So in the million years since my last update, I went to Alaska, it changed my life, holy shit, it's one of those things where you leave part of you behind when you leave and I already want to go back and move there and have my ashes spread there and all that beautiful shit, anyway, finally got back, got settled, dealt with crazy shit in my real life that included me losing access to all my Microsoft programs which means I typed this in a Google Doc which I stubbornly had refused to learn how to use until this year because apparently I am a curmudgeon at 28 years old.
Happy couldn't remember the last time there'd been so much activity in the garage.
Not activity in the way one might think of it. It wasn't like they had a million different moving parts that they were trying to get to come together. She wasn't working on a machine while Toby studied the posture of someone on surveillance footage while Florence figured out the best way to dissolve a lock and Walter yelled at a CEO while Paige apologized to the CEO and Sylvester ran calculations in his head faster than Paige could jab her elbow into Walter's ribs when he threw out a condescending remark to the person who would ultimately be the one to pay them.
Not activity in the way one might think of it...but wasn't this, though?
"The sky is the limit. Which may not be the best phrasing given our unfortunate track record flying in planes. We should travel more by boat. Walter, can we get a boat?"
"No, Tobias," Walter said. "The money has to be used for the greater good."
"Okay, what if I argue that I am your greatest good, and I want a boat?"
"Your claim lacks substantiating evidence."
"Paige!" Toby shouted. "Tell Walter you want a boat!"
"I don't want a boat," Paige said as she descended the stairs. "The upkeep on those things are insane."
"You just had to be cool for, like, ten seconds," Toby said under his breath.
"No watercraft," Walter said.
"What about a submarine we can use to study the health of the ocean?" Toby said.
"Can we afford a submarine?" Happy asked, attempting to ground her husband - or rather, keep him above the surface.
"We can afford whatever the hell we want, baby," Toby said. He grinned at Walter. "I was kidding about the random boat, but wow, it is cool that we'll basically never have to worry about being able to afford to help people again. Especially with less military assistance since Cabe retired."
"I don't like submarines," Florence said. "Even after everything, I'd rather take a plane. What goes up must come down but what goes down doesn't necessarily have to come back up."
"A fair point, but statistically-"
Happy's phone rang. It was Allie. One of the kids was probably losing their shit over something small - but that was a welcome break from the madhouse. She put the phone to her ear as she darted away, toward the kitchen. "Hello?"
Florence was glad that Allie came to bring Tad and Ellie to the garage. The euphoria over winning the money only partially masked the conflict in her head, and getting to cuddle with Tad always helped. But then, all too soon - though it was probably an hour after they arrived - Happy and Toby packed them up and headed home. Then the others started heading out as well. Florence found herself in the kitchen again, reading the texts Sylvester had sent her, as she had been doing earlier before they'd read the email. She forced herself to count as she inhaled, because she knew that would help slow her heart down.
"Florence, honey?" Allie asked, peeking into the kitchen. "Do you need to talk to somebody?"
Florence smiled. "I talk to people at Linda's group."
"I know, but…"
"I know what you mean," she said, sighing. "I don't know. I'm still going in circles."
"They said Tilly can come home soon, right?" Allie asked. "Getting close to her due date."
"Yeah. That's the hope." Florence traced a faint circle on the table. Tad had drawn it with a sharpie years ago. It was very faint, but they could still see it if they knew where to look. "I still don't know how that's going to go. I'm feeling better, usually, mostly, but I still don't know how to bond with her." She paused. "I want it, you know. I do."
"I know you do."
"No, I mean, for a while I almost resented her. Like from now on it wasn't going to be me and Sylvester, and the absolutely awful things my brain was doing made me wish we hadn't had her at all. Because I wouldn't be feeling this way if we didn't. And I hated that those were the feelings I was having about her. My own daughter. She is the only person in the world who know what my heartbeat sounds like from inside my body. So why doesn't she feel like my heart that is beating outside? I want to feel that way about her."
"There are many things you can do to bond with her," Allie said. "Sing to her. Just talk to her, even if she can't talk back. We all talked to you when you were in a coma after the explosion three years ago, even though we didn't know if you could hear us. It helped us feel close to you, and we hoped it would help you feel closer to us. You know Tilly can hear you. And she can't understand complex thought, but she will understand that you're her mother. And right now she doesn't understand how you're feeling, and she doesn't blame you because she doesn't know. By the time she's old enough to understand, she'll know how much you love her."
"That's what one of the doctors said," Florence said.
"See? And he's an expert. He knows what he's talking about. Think of a story to tell her, the next time you go in. Or think of something to sing."
