A big huge thanks (as always) to my beta, fulfilled, who made this what it is today. She's my assigner, motivator, hand-holding and re-writer, and I couldn't do it without her.

Sexual Behavior and the Human Condition
Entry #1: Sexual Past

23 May 2006

What would you change about your sexual past? How does your past influence your present? Your future?

What would I change about my sexual past? Probably the beginning. I really don't think much else – the beginning was enough by itself. I lost my virginity to my ex-boyfriend – my married ex-boyfriend. It wasn't the best decision I ever made and I'm not particularly proud of it.

I had always seen Dean as safe and reliable, so after a year of uncertainty where everything was new and different, I allowed myself to get swept away by him. There are a million excuses I could give for what happened that night. I was lonely and frustrated with being single; Dean was upset with his life and annoyed with Lindsay. Dean was "safe," and I was reaching out to the familiar. He was regretting his choice and reached out for the past. The truth is, it doesn't matter. I slept with Dean while he was married. Really married – went-home-to-his-wife-after-he-left-my-bed married.

I say I'd like to change that, and maybe going back to Dean – regardless of his marital status – was not the best idea, but I'm sort of glad Dean was my first – in a way, Dean-the-perfect-first-boyfriend was the perfect person to be my "first." I don't think I would have been able to start with Logan the way I did if I had still been a virgin at the time. And Logan – as much of a playboy and womanizer as he was, he never would have allowed our relationship to start if I'd been a virgin, I can guarantee that. That was always a big thing with Logan – equal footing. Making sure the girls he was with knew the deal, right from the start – he was not a "commitment" guy, and they needed to accept that.

My sexual past actually started before I lost my virginity, now that I think about it. I never thought Dean would be the one I'd lose my virginity to. We dated for two years in high school but it was all very innocent and puppy love – nothing sexual. Now that I look back on it, I'm surprised that there was nothing sexual about our relationship (until two years later, when there was everything sexual about it). We were sixteen – seventeen – healthy young adults, red-blooded American teenagers. Why did we never go past kissing? I don't know. I just know it was something I never thought about.

Then there was Jess. We never had sex – or even came close, really – but just being around him was sexual. There was an energy about him – still is, really – that exudes sexuality. He was the first guy I ever thought was "sexy." Dean was cute, good-looking, sweet – but I never thought "sexy" with him. With Jess, though – he was really sexy. He opened me up to the possibility of sex, made me start thinking about it. If our relationship hadn't ended when it did, the way it did, I'm sure I would have slept with him.

Wow. I think I knew that, at the time, but I haven't really thought about it in years. Sleeping with Jess. Sex with Jess. Losing my virginity to Jess. It certainly would have made things a lot less complicated, for one thing. It just would've made sense. I'd say I'd like to change that – that it would have been Jess for my first time, and not a married Dean. Though it wasn't really a decision that I made – the ending of that relationship – so it's not really something that I could have done differently even if I'd wanted to.

When Logan and I started, it was all about "no strings," "no commitment," seeing other people – all very casual. I never thought I'd be okay with an arrangement like that, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. The whole thing with Dean was still so fresh, and I thought I didn't want such a serious relationship. That my last one had been so disastrous, and the one before that had ended so horribly, that perhaps this non-relationship thing was the way to go. It wasn't fantastic, knowing I wasn't the only girl in his life (or in his bed) and I don't think I'd ever do it again, but I don't regret it. It's not on the list of things I'd do differently.

How does the past influence the present? If I hadn't dated Jess or even fallen for him in the first place – if I had stayed with Dean (and been happy and content in that relationship) – I don't know when or if sex would have started. I mean, I 'm sure we would have slept together but it wouldn't have been as big of a deal – in the good or the bad way.

My sexual past has helped to define who I am now. If I had still been a virgin when I met Logan – when the sparks started flying – I can almost guarantee that I would not be with him now. I would not have been able to do the no-strings sex for my first time. I divide my relationship with Logan into three parts. The first part – no commitment, no strings. The second part – "I can be a boyfriend." The third – after we got back together from the fight in the fall. Each part influenced the next.

Part 1, we explored the sexual part of our relationship – which was fun, don't get me wrong—but eventually I realized that it just wasn't going to cut it anymore. More and more, I hated not being the only girl. I thought I could handle it – I thought not having an actual relationship was the way to go, was the answer to my problems. But the more I thought about it, the more I hated thinking I wasn't special to him, that I was the same as everyone else. When I made up my mind to tell him that I couldn't do it anymore, he didn't quite see what I was saying, but it didn't matter. To this day, I don't know what made him decide to commit. Not that I minded, of course – I hadn't wanted to pressure him into doing anything he didn't want to do, but this was definitely better than the alternative. And that led to the next part, which led to the third part.

As for how my past influences the future, I honestly don't know. I think I've learned that everything in life, including sex, is an experience and everything builds upon everything else. My relationship with Dean (the first time – the first two times, really) influenced my relationship with Jess, and that, in turn, influenced not only the third try with Dean, but also my relationship with Logan as it is now. My experiences, sexual and otherwise, with Logan will have a great effect on my future. How that will be, however, remains to be seen.