As promised, the second of this Sunday's postings.
Disclaimer: I wish...
Words To Know:
ki--energy, more or less, at least here; in the context of this story, the opposite of youki, or demonic energy
(As before, please let me know if I missed one)
Chapter Three: Mourning
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Oh my love,
I can't let go;
Somethin's wrong,
I can't let go;
Nature's cruel,
She laughs at me….
"Rain City"/ Turin Brakes
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Four hours later, she climbed out of the well and leaned against it, shaking violently.
Kagome had laid on her side in it, stubbornly refusing to believe that the well had deposited her here and decided that was more than enough. She had stayed in the well, lying to herself, telling herself that the magic would come soon and take her home, where she had to take a shower and get in her car and go to work. She had to go home, where she had another life far from this one, where the people she loved were still alive and with her.
She'd listened to Mine and several other villagers come looking for her, calling for her—"Kagome-sama!"—but she had remained silent, not wanting them to find her, not wanting anyone to find her ever again. Eventually, they moved away from the well, though no one bothered to check it. If the thought had occurred to her, she might have wondered at that, wondered why Kaede-baa-chan hadn't let her secret slip, even though it was probably a very dishonorable and uncharitable thought to entertain of the old miko.
Some time after the villagers had given up their search for her, Kagome had slowly realized that her neck was aching, her pajamas were soiled, she was getting dirty…and the well wasn't going to be transporting her home any time soon.
So, because she couldn't stay in there forever, she had reluctantly climbed out of it and up into the world, to face what she had been dreading, what she had felt squatting out there, waiting for her, as she lay curled up in the bottom of the well: her grief.
It assaulted her the second her bare feet touched the grass, and she felt her heart squeezing and twisting in her chest. She leaned against the well for support, trying to breathe through the pain. She looked at Goshinboku and convulsed, then lurched up off the well and stumbled toward it, tears blinding her.
The little headstone was several feet away from the giant tree, hidden by the long grass. It had been very well tended to, and in the back of her mind she wondered who she had to thank for that kindness; finding Inuyasha's final resting place in disrepair would have been cruel indeed.
She fell down before it on her knees and stared, tears running down her cheeks, and she felt her mind shut down, found her head empty—for once—of everything. It was just empty.
Kagome stayed that way for several hours, numb and unable to move under the weight of her grief. In late afternoon, she had to change position, so she sat on her backside, knees drawn up in front of her, and rocked back and forth and stared at the headstone in silence. The birds had left the area long ago, and nothing dared stir when anguish was so palpable in the air.
By the time the sun was descending, Kagome's pain had consumed her, and she keened and cried, unable to fight back the need to lament any longer, saying she was sorry over and over again until she lost her voice two hours before dawn. Her cries were something almost terrifying to hear in the deep of night. There was a world of aching loss and agony in the wails that made them both more and less human, horrible and exquisite in their bitterness, and the forest was respectfully quiet in the face of her sorrow. It was a sound that lived with many of the people in Edo for the rest of their lives, a memory of mourning too powerful to forget.
It was the sound of a heart dying.
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When Kagome awakened the next day, she experienced a panicky moment of not knowing where she was.
She opened her eyes, encrusted with dried tears, and found her cheek resting on something rough and cool, found grass stretching out before her and disappearing into a forest. She was cold and damp, and most of her was on the grass—her head and arms were pillowed on the rough and cool whatever it was under them—and for one awful moment, she didn't remember where she was. Then, as if the sunlight streaming down illuminated her mind the way it had illuminated the world, she recalled yesterday's events: of falling down the well, of going back in time, of seeing the stunning progress Edo had made, of learning of Kaede-baa-chan's death…learning of Inuyasha's death.
At that memory, Kagome swallowed painfully and shut her eyes, the wound on her heart pulsing anew.
Oh gods, she thought, feeling new tears threatening.
She laid there for a long long while, eyes shut, wishing she could die and join him. Finally, admitting there was little chance of that, she opened her eyes and decided, despite the jerk of her heart at the thought, that it was time to get up.
She pushed herself up, to her knees, then sat back on her heels and stared at the headstone that bore the characters of his name, INUYASHA, strong and bold, at the grass and dirt that now blanketed his body.
"I'm so sorry," she rasped, her voice almost gone, her throat raw from the tears and wailing of the night before. She reached down and placed a hand on the headstone. Cold, wet with her tears. She closed her eyes, wondered how she was going to get up and leave him here all alone. She reflected that he had probably died alone, and the shock waves from the pain that thought caused made her jerk in reaction, made her breath hitch audibly. Then, she sat there in silence, legs numbing and brain shutting down again. Subconsciously, it was making sure that her body was continuing on with the business of living despite her own personal wishes. But thinking, real thinking, was entirely out of the question.
Finally, the discomfort of her numb legs demanded she get up, so she leaned forward, tenderly kissed the headstone and struggled painfully to her feet.
She stared at the headstone, legs shaking and mind blank, then slowly turned, vaguely remembering that she had met Edo's miko yesterday, and the woman was probably wondering what had become of her. Upon turning, she realized she was no longer alone: Sesshoumaru, Lord of the Western Lands and Inuyasha's elder half-brother, stood before her, amber eyes silent and flat, watching her.
Kagome stared at him mutely, too tired and heart-sick to wonder at his being there. He stared back, giving away nothing. Still icy, still distant, still alive. Watching him watch her, Kagome found she didn't care what business had brought Sesshoumaru here this day, here to impose on her grief. To hell with him: the love of her life was dead, and there was a gaping hole in her heart where Inuyasha had resided all these years, ragged and bleeding. She swallowed a sob as fresh waves of sorrow washed over her. Then, once she'd gotten a handle on it, she slowly walked toward him and then past him, back to Edo. Idly, she thought that she'd never known that misery was so very exhausting. She was running on auto-pilot, trusting her feet to remember their way back, stumbling her way to the village—the town. Absently, she felt the demon lord's eyes follow her progress.
Kagome ignored him and continued walking, cradling the sad tatters of her broken heart.
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Hours later, in the middle of the afternoon, Kagome was curled up on a mat in Mine's hut, head and heart aching.
She was lying by the fire, having washed and changed into clothing more suited to her surroundings and eaten. Or rather, having quietly submitted to Mine's ministrations, not having the strength or inclination to take care of herself.
She heard the brush of cloth and slowly opened her eyes and looked at the doorway. But instead of the miko, the demon lord loomed before her. Kagome stared at him, caught between her misery and the sleep her aching body begged for.
"Miko," the demon said, voice quiet, as if he were aware of the pounding of her head and didn't wish to cause her any more discomfort. If it had been anyone else, Kagome might have believed it.
She was silent for a moment, then whispered,
"Sesshoumaru."
He didn't respond. Instead, he merely watched her, then walked into the hut and to a corner and sat there, back to the wall, and continued his scrutiny. Kagome closed her eyes and surrendered to sleep.
Slumber was slow to claim her, and once it did, she was very rudely yanked back into reality:
"YOUKAI!" came a screech, and Kagome jumped completely off the mat, heart ready to explode out of her chest. She looked around wildly, disoriented and scared out of her mind, and saw Mine standing by the fire, looking at the corner in absolute horror. Kagome followed the miko's bug-eyed stare, expecting to see something terrible…and saw only Sesshoumaru, sitting with his back to the wall, hands in the sleeves of his kimono—eyes narrowed in a manner that boded no good.
Oh wait, Kagome thought suddenly, horrified, Sesshoumaru pissed is terrible!
She stumbled awkwardly to her feet and then to the corner, catching sight of the slightest expression of shock on his face before whirling to face Mine, who had removed an arrow from her quiver and was presently in the process of nocking said arrow. Kagome flung her arms out, heart beat accelerating even more, if that was possible.
"No!" she yelled, and felt her throat punish her with pain. "Don't! It's—"
"Kagome-sama, get away from the youkai," Mine ordered, raising her bow.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit, Kagome thought feverishly.
"Please, listen, he's—" Was I really about to call Sesshoumaru harmless, Kagome wondered as her brain worked to frantically get her meaning to Mine before—
"Kagome-sama! Move!" Mine yelled, and let the arrow fly.
The next thing Kagome knew, her entire body exploded into bright light as her holy ki, long dormant, kicked into high gear, literally. She heard a yelp of surprise and the light abruptly died. Blinking, she saw smoke rising from something on the floor before her, and looked down to find the miko's purifying arrow…well, completely and utterly useless.
I didn't know I could counteract other mikos' powers, Kagome thought to herself absently, as if making an observation on the quality of the food she'd eaten or the change in temperature.
A sound above her head had her looking up in time to see a piece of the charred roof detach itself from the structure. She leapt back, startled, and crashed into Sesshoumaru, who let out a grunt and grabbed one of her arms—probably an automatic response—then hissed and snatched his hand back when her ki, triggered by his proximity and his considerable youki, flared back to life.
"Kagome-sama?" Mine asked, sounding, and looking, dubious.
Kagome sighed wearily, starting to feel dizzy. Her hand reached out and found the wall and she leaned that way in an attempt to steady herself.
"Mine," she began, "I was trying to tell you, that the youkai means me no harm. He means us no harm," she added, and she heard Sesshoumaru mutter something that sounded uncomfortably like, "That was before my person was endangered."
Her nerves jerked at the implied threat and she came up off the wall and stepped back, closer to him, not sure if she was protecting the miko or Sesshoumaru, though the second motive was as laughable as it was insulting to the demon lord.
Mine still looked suspicious.
"How are you so certain, Kagome-sama?" she asked, still holding her bow tightly.
"I'm…I know this youkai. I fought…we fought, a common enemy, once upon a time." Kagome returned, swallowing a hot, tight ball of tears; Please, she begged silently as another piece of her heart died, please accept this explanation and let it go.
Fate seemed to take pity on her: Mine's grip on the bow loosened, and her face, though still not completely convinced, relaxed slightly.
It was quiet in the hut for a long moment, with only the snap of the fire keeping it from being entirely silent, before the sounds of people moving around the village and distant shouts of "Youkai!" reached them.
"Go to them, please, and calm them. Say it was a mistake, that you mistook a stranger for a youkai," Kagome said, which wasn't a lie, really…but not entirely true, either.
Mine nodded and left the hut, and Kagome, shoulders slumped, walked back to the fire and collapsed on her mat and shut her eyes, not really thinking of anything. Remembering suddenly that her ki had reacted badly to his touch, she asked Sesshoumaru,
"Is your hand badly injured?"
"It has already healed," he coolly returned. Kagome heard a whisper of fabric as he once more settled down in the corner. She didn't have anything to say to that, so she settled on an apology.
"I'm sorry—injuring you wasn't my intent."
"A natural reaction to a youkai," Sesshoumaru said, voice clinical.
With no reply ready, Kagome said nothing, and within several minutes she had drifted back into the soothing nothingness of sleep.
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Kagome had never done so little and yet been so tired in her entire life.
She spent the next three days doing nothing but sleeping on the mat in front of Mine's fire, docilely allowing the elder woman to awaken her so that she might eat two or three bites of food she never really took the time to identify, and to attend to personal needs like relieving herself, though in truth, Kagome had ingested so little in her four days in Sengoku Jidai that there was scarcely any point in the action.
Her sleep was mercifully lacking in dreams of any kind, but that hardly mattered. She never seemed to be able to sleep enough. And vaguely, she thought it might have something to do with the silent, sullen presence in the corner of Mine's hut.
Sesshoumaru, as far as Kagome could tell, hadn't moved since the afternoon he'd ensconced himself in the corner. When she awakened, he was there, watching her, almost as if he were waiting for something. If she hadn't seen him blink occasionally, she might have been forgiven for believing he'd died—perhaps of boredom, since the man—demon, she sluggishly corrected—couldn't be troubled to get even slightly animated about anything.
If his presence was affecting her sleep, it was playing merry hell with Mine's general constitution. The older woman was clearly frightened of the demon lord, and she stayed as far away from her hut as she could, spending as much of her time out of it as was reasonable.
It was during one of Mine's frequent and long absences that Kagome opened heavy eyes on the fourth day, an hour before sunset. She stared at the fire that Mine had left burning for her, watching dying flames try to live long enough for Mine to come back and start dinner, and an idea, insubstantial at first, danced through her head: was that how Inuyasha had died, fighting to survive? The thought shattered the numb cold that had settled in her body and ripped a sob from her. She curled into a ball on the mat and shoved a fist into her mouth to keep from disturbing Mine, whom she believed to be somewhere nearby; Sesshoumaru's unsettling presence had yet to penetrate her senses, though she could feel something, at the very periphery of her field of awareness, moving around her.
He watched the woman awaken from her sleep, watched her stare into the fire and saw a shadow pass over her face before she convulsed and let out a pitiful sound. He tilted his head and watched her curl into a ball on the mat where she spent so much of her time, listened to her make strange noises that were half anguished, half pathetic, and smelled the familiar scent of her tears as she made some kind of effort—he assumed—to control herself.
So, Sesshoumaru thought, lips quirking in distaste, this is the powerful miko Inuyasha spoke so highly of. A disappointment, not that I'm surprised.
In all truth, he was feeling more than a little provoked by the woman and her weeping. Fine—he would accept that she was mourning over the death of his half-brother, a companion of hers from sixty years prior. But four days? Surely that was too much. Even Sesshoumaru would have been content with a mere two days of mourning from his vassals in the event of his own untimely death (unlikely though it was), and then only because there was one particular youkai who was far too interested in the Western Lands for his peace of mind; in the aftermath of his demise, the bastard would cheerfully swoop in and do his damnedest to snatch what he could. He was trying even now, when the inu youkai lord was still breathing, to grab all he could. And, much as it pained Sesshoumaru to admit it, the youkai bastard was doing very well. Far too well. And he would willingly submit to being dragged to hell by Naraku's ghost before he'd allow his father's legacy to be ripped apart like so much meaningless paper.
So, he'd remembered Inuyasha mooning over some human woman who used to travel with him: the living miko who bore such a strong resemblance to the dead one. He'd recalled several examples of her considerable power, and decided that those powers should be pressed into his service, and he'd set off for Edo, to see if he could find her. He'd nearly been there when the world had rippled strangely, as if it had found a wrinkle somewhere and had gently tugged at the fabric of life to straighten it out. Then an ear-shattering screech of delight had reached him and he'd nearly fallen out of the tree top where he'd landed just before the startling shriek had left the offender's mouth, hands clutched over his ringing ears and fangs bared at the indignity his hearing had been subjected to.
He'd made it to the well that Inuyasha had jumped into so many times, trying to go back to the future, what ever the hell that meant, and had lightly landed before it and begun his careful inspection. He had immediately noticed that there was a residue of ancient magic in the air, and the more forceful scent of a young human female—the miko, he recognized after quick analysis. The dark well had drawn his curiosity, though, kept him from following the miko. He'd leapt down the well and landed softly on his feet at the bottom, sniffing around and examining it, true to his dog nature. It might have been an ordinary well, if he hadn't sensed the magical residue. Eyes narrowed, he'd attempted to identify its origin, and was in the process of that particular endeavor when shouts had reached him and he'd shot out of the well and high into the air, landing safely in the tree tops nearby. He'd watched with interest as the miko ran from Edo as if being chased, reached the well and threw herself down it. He also watched several people come running after her from the town, yelling "Kagome-sama!" and searching for her. Curiously, none of them so much as glanced at the well, and Sesshoumaru wondered why before deciding it was superfluous information.
The people had soon given up and gone back to Edo, never once thinking to look down the well. Sesshoumaru had expected the miko to climb out as soon as the people were gone, but she hadn't. He thought she might have gone back to her own time, and frowned darkly at the thought. He sniffed the air, caught a whiff of her, and decided that she was still here, just not ready to come out of hiding yet. So, he'd settled down to wait for her. Four hours later, she had emerged, and gone to Goshinboku, and Sesshoumaru had sighed and realized what had happened. Someone in Edo had obviously told her Inuyasha had died nearly fifty years ago.
After a moment's contemplation, he decided she might be more receptive to his plan to take her with him to the Western Lands if he allowed her some time to grieve—the last thing he wanted was a disgruntled female he'd probably have to kill once she'd annoyed him sufficiently, making his careful planning and traveling all for naught. He'd realized the error in his unusual act of magnanimity the moment it became apparent that she had no intention of moving from Inuyasha's headstone for some time yet. And then the keening had started and Sesshoumaru, teeth gritted tightly, knew he had never suffered as he did that night, listening to the woman's loud, anguished sobs. Grief, he had learned, was a noisy and thoroughly undisciplined business, particularly for humans, who were so prone to their emotions.
He'd briefly entertained the idea of leaving and coming back in the morning, but quickly discarded it. The miko was his last chance at this point, and he did not want to risk wasting precious time looking for her if she got it into her idiot head to leave the vicinity of Edo. So he'd stayed and nearly lost his composure—had come close to ordering for her to shut up several times out of sheer frustration. After a few excruciating hours, he'd managed to block her out and save his sanity, and he'd even allowed himself the chance to sleep—he hadn't for nearly a month now, and not resting was beginning to tax him.
The rising sun had awakened him, and he'd watched it ascend into the sky, then leapt down from the tree he'd spent the night in and landed lightly, eyes narrowed and searching for anyone hiding in the forest who might have escaped his notice—not likely, of course, but he was a man who liked to take precautions.
Finding nothing, of course, he'd walked to the tree where his useless half-brother had been pinned by the dead miko's arrow over a hundred years ago, and stopped upon seeing the living miko sprawled over Inuyasha's headstone, apparently asleep. Sesshoumaru had raised an eyebrow; a hanyou Inuyasha might have been, but he doubted that even his half-brother's resting place should be misused in such a manner. He considered waking her, and stepped forward to do just that, but she awakened, and Sesshoumaru stayed put.
It had taken her a while to get up and turn around, and when he saw her face, he was severely disappointed: her eyes were red-rimmed, and the purple smudges under them bespoke of no rest. Her visage was pale and unhealthy, and she looked, all in all, like one stiff breeze would send her flying. This was nothing more than a weepy girl, and he'd almost growled in acute irritation…but when she'd walked by him, his youki had retreated slightly, something that had never happened before. It had been startling enough to make him pause and reconsider his original judgment.
Before following her, however, he'd walked to Inuyasha's headstone, just to make sure she hadn't done any permanent damage. He'd leaned down and wiped the woman's tears off the characters of his half-brother's name, and let his fingers lightly sweep over them for a moment before straightening and observing a moment of respectful silence, even though it was more than he believed Inuyasha deserved.
Despite himself, he'd made sure that Inuyasha's resting place was maintained, and he usually came to check on it and make sure his orders were being carried out to his satisfaction. Inuyasha might have been a worthless half-youkai, but he was still his father's son, and as such, even his lowly remains had to be properly taken care of.
His respectful silence lasted far longer than he'd planned. He fell asleep standing by Inuyasha's grave, and when he awakened, he'd never been so annoyed with himself in his life. He'd glared down at the grave, blaming it for his exhaustion, but then decided that was ridiculous and wasted energy. So, he'd walked to Edo, following the miko's scent. When he'd entered the hut and found her curled up on the floor, he thought it should have been impossible that she should still be so tired. But, when she'd opened her eyes and stared at him, he'd felt the force of her grief.
At this point, he'd admitted to himself that it was unlikely that she'd be traveling anywhere in this state, and frankly, she was essentially useless to him like this, so he made himself comfortable in a corner, awaiting the time when this lethargy that had sunk its claws into her disappeared. And then, the elder miko had come in….
Sesshoumaru had been extremely impressed and alarmed by the young miko's power. Impressed, because she had managed to completely obliterate the elder miko's purifying arrow, something that he hadn't known mikos were capable of. Alarmed, because she had absolutely no control over her ki; she'd used far too much of it to counteract one arrow, and such excess was completely unacceptable. He wasn't sure if it was inexperience or her emotions that had caused such a wildly off-balance response, but regardless of what had caused it, that was something that had to be remedied posthaste if she was going to be even remotely useful.
That show of power had been enough to convince him she was exactly what he needed, despite the odds stacked against her. He was sure that with proper study and focus, she would be able to perform the duty he required of her.
Granted, that had been three days ago. Now, he was seriously second-guessing himself, something which moved him from his now familiar realm of irritation into an entirely new realm of acute displeasure he hadn't realized existed. He eyed her from his corner, face the picture of distaste; rather than control her obnoxious weeping, she was getting louder.
This Sesshoumaru will not endure this indignity any longer, he thought to himself, annoyed.
"Enough," he said, voice sharp. She froze and stopped crying, then slowly raised her head to meet his disapproving eyes.
Kagome felt her heart stop at the sound of the demon lord's voice, felt mortified that he was in the room while she was crying. If there was one person on the face of the planet she didn't want to see her cry, it was the always taciturn and proper demon who had tried, on several occasions, to kill both her and Inuyasha. She would rather take twelve algebra exams back to back.
She sniffled loudly and hiccupped, despite her best efforts, and almost died when Sesshoumaru's eyes narrowed.
"Miko, you will cease these hysterics," he said, voice low and threatening, "immediately."
What is it about the man—demon—that makes deference to his dictates so swift and unconscious? Kagome thought to herself as she swallowed and nodded her head. She managed to swallow another hiccup in the process, and discreetly held her breath in a desperate attempt to get rid of the hiccups and thus save herself from anymore of his displeasure.
"Sit up," he ordered, once she had a semblance of control over herself.
She was quick to do just that, and watched him warily, eyes still shadowed by sorrow. And then a thought occurred, slicing through the pain and gloom in her mind like one of the two swords at his side: Sesshoumaru was here, in Edo, in a miko's hut, and he was talking to her. Kagome stiffened, and for the first time began to think about the demon lord's presence, which didn't make any kind of sense at all, regardless of what spin a person put on it. She let that information settle in before raising her eyes to meet his over the fire.
Those flat eyes were watching her, expression closed. And yet…there was something strange about his demeanor, something that she didn't remember from her days traveling with Inuyasha and Sango and Miroku and Shippou. She couldn't place her finger over it, try though she might.
"Why are you here?" she asked at long last.
He stared at her in silence for a long while, then closed his eyes and leaned back into the corner, hands shoved into the sleeves of his kimono.
"For you."
