Luna wasn't ready to hear it. She already knew what she was dealing with. Deep down, she'd known from the start. She'd watched her parents and several other family members go through the exact same thing- it wasn't something that went away. At least, it hadn't for them, not completely.
The night before, she'd managed to get through the night without any more nightmares after the first. Astra coming down and laying with her for the rest of the night had helped, but Luna knew that it couldn't last. Astra couldn't stay with her every night, and it wasn't likely to be a sure fix anyway. And that was just the nightmares- what would stop the flashes she got during the day, the sudden bursts of anxiety that were worse than anything she'd ever felt before? Luna was terrified that there was simply no way of dealing with it.
And that was why she was here. As much as Luna didn't want to hear it said out loud, Astra had been right- getting an official diagnosis and whatever help she could was better than doing nothing about it at all. If it would at least make Astra feel better, that had to count for something. And so, Luna had stuck to her word and made her way to Verity's office the next morning, where she'd told her everything.
"So," Verity sat down in her chair, across from Luna. "Given your family history, I'm guessing you already have a pretty good idea of what I'm going to say."
Luna nodded. She'd been trying to prepare herself for this all morning.
"Right, well, when people go through a traumatic experience, it can have lasting effects, long after the event has passed," Verity explained, "Witnessing the near-death of one of your loved ones definitely falls into that category. These effects can range from disturbing thoughts, flashbacks, or nightmares, all things you've told me that you're dealing with."
Luna tried to swallow her anxiety. "So…I do have it then?"
"Post-traumatic stress disorder, yes," Verity confirmed. "Assuming that's the 'it' you meant."
Luna's heart sunk. Like mothers, like daughter, she supposed. "Am I…going to have it forever? Like my parents?"
Verity shook her head. "It's hard to say how long it'll last. Your parents were unfortunate enough to have to deal with trauma after trauma for several years. They weren't given enough time to rest and heal, so even after they started getting therapy, they had a lot more shit to deal with than the average young adult. For you, it could be gone in as little as a month. Or it could be something that affects you for the rest of your life. Different people are affected differently."
Hopelessness squirmed in Luna's stomach. This wasn't reassuring at all. Verity must have noticed, because sympathy crossed her face.
"Hey, that doesn't mean that you'll be suffering forever. There are still things that can be done to help ease your symptoms, even if they last for a long time."
"Like what?"
Verity got up from her chair and walked over to a filing cabinet, opening a drawer to sift through it. "Well, there's medication, for one thing. Are you on any right now?"
"Just anti-anxiety meds," Luna told her, "I've been on them for a while."
"Do they help much?"
Luna shrugged. "I…think so?" She'd been taking them for so long now that it was hard to remember if her life was more stressful without them or not. Whatever the case, she didn't want to stop taking them and risk finding out.
Verity pulled a document out of the cabinet. "Well, I could see about increasing your dose a little, if you wouldn't mind?"
Luna gave a nod of permission, and Verity wrote something on the document.
"We can also try you on antidepressants," The doctor continued, "They're generally the first thing prescribed to patients with PTSD. Sedatives might also help with the nightmares. Does that sound okay?"
Luna nodded again. Anything sounded fine to her if it would help with reliving the worst moment of her life over and over again.
"Great," Verity wrote more into the document, before placing it on the desk beside her. "I'll send your prescription off as soon as I can, and you should be able to pick it up tomorrow."
Luna shifted in her chair, wanting to be done with this. "Is that it?"
"If you want," Verity sat back down. "But medication isn't always the only thing you need to get better. You don't have to if you don't want to, but I would suggest therapy."
Luna tried not to grimace. She'd been afraid of this. All her life, she'd had people suggest therapy as the solution to all of her problems, and it just didn't sound great to her. Having to pour her heart out to someone she didn't even know? It sounded terrifying, and not especially helpful.
She avoided Verity's gaze. "I…don't really know about it," she admitted. "Being so open and vulnerable with a total stranger…I don't know if I could do that."
Verity leaned back in her chair. "Well, sure, you could do it with a total stranger," she said, her eyes beginning to sparkle. "Or you could do it with your favourite school nurse."
Luna blinked at her, realizing what she was trying to say. "You…?"
"I happen to be a licensed therapist," Verity told her, a hint of pride in her voice, it's right there on the wall."
Luna turned and looked. Sure enough, there was a framed psychology degree on the wall. "And you'd be willing to help me?"
Verity smiled at her. "Helping people is why I took this job, kid. I don't usually do entire therapy sessions, but if a student winds up with psychological problems from things like missions, it's kind of my responsibility."
The room was quiet for a moment as Luna turned the thought over in her head. Therapy with Verity certainly sounded better than dealing with someone she didn't know at all, but it wasn't as if they were friends or anything. She would still be opening up to someone she wasn't exactly close with, and it was a daunting concept.
"I'll need some time to think about it," she admitted.
Verity nodded. "I understand. The holidays should give you plenty of time for that, at least. But Luna," she leaned forward, her expression gentle. "Even if it's not me, I really think you should talk to someone about this, maybe your parents. I know it can be scary, but it helps. Trust me."
Luna sighed. "I know. I'll try to talk to my parents about it over the holidays." Of all the people who could help, Luna could at least acknowledge that her parents would have good advice to give. They always did, even if following it was easier said than done.
Verity gave her a warm smile. "For what it's worth, I think you can get through this. You've got a lot of guts."
Luna managed a smile back. "Thanks."
Getting up from her chair, Luna left Verity to get the prescription sorted, unable to untie to knots that were quickly forming in her chest. She had PTSD, there was no denying it now. And now she'd have to take all this medication and maybe even begin therapy just to potentially feel the slightest bit better.
Outside of the room, Luna wasn't surprised to see Astra sitting against the hallway wall, her wheelchair beside her. She had come with Luna for moral support, but had told her that she'd had quite enough time in the care ward to want to actually go inside the room itself. It looked like she'd waited here the whole time.
Astra looked up the moment Luna opened the door. "How'd it go?"
Luna sat down beside her with a sigh. "I told her everything. She said that uh…yeah. I have PTSD." The words stuck in her throat.
Astra's face fell. "Oh."
Luna flipped her ponytail over her shoulder and played with the ends of her hair. "Yeah, uh…she prescribed me some medication. Offered therapy…I don't really know if I want to do it or not, though."
"I'm sorry," Astra's words came out choked, and Luna turned sharply to look at her.
"No, you were right to tell me to talk to her," Luna assured her, "I'm sure it'll help at least a little bit."
Astra shook her head, her eyes squeezed shut. "No, it's not that; I just…this is all my fault."
Luna stared at her, suddenly feeling the guilt coming off her like a wave.
Astra opened her eyes again, regret clear in her expression as she welled up. "You're dealing with all this stress and trauma…these nightmares…all because I was stupid and got hurt."
Now, Luna was feeling her own guilt. How much of their conversation when Astra had first woken up was contributing to this? She reached out to hold one of Astra's hands in her own. "Astra…you can't control how my brain works. You couldn't have known this would happen."
"But I should have!" Astra protested, "I know you; I know how you can react to things like this. I should have known better, I…" She shook her head again and buried her face in her knees.
Luna leaned closer to her, trying to keep her voice firm. "You didn't have time to think about that," she insisted. "Do you really think you could have weighed up the pros and cons of what you were doing in such a tense situation?"
"I…why are you suddenly the one defending that?" There was a bit of a laugh in Astra's voice, a confused mix of amusement and grief.
Luna huffed. "I know, but…I don't know," she sighed. "I still wish you hadn't been so reckless, but like…I still get it. I understand why you did it. I just…wish you hadn't." She didn't know if she was making any sense. This was all so complicated.
Astra lifted her head and crossed her arms over her knees, settling her chin into them. "I wish I hadn't," Her face was red, her expression still pained. "I caused you and everyone else so much pain…I should be the one who's still traumatized over it."
"I don't think anyone deserves to be traumatized like this," Luna replied softly. "But Astra…you've already been through so much. I might be having to deal with PTSD my whole life, but you're the one with chronic pain. I'd hate to see you go through this on top of that."
"But I'm the one who made the mistake," Astra muttered. "I'm the only one who deserves to hurt." She turned her head away. "You deserve better."
Luna stared at her, trying to hold back a cry of despair. Was this really how Astra saw herself, as someone who deserved to suffer? All because she'd done something out of love?
"You don't deserve it, though," Luna's words came out fiercer than she meant them to, but she continued, "You were reckless, sure, but it wasn't as if you did it to hurt anyone. You did it because you didn't want me to lose something I cared about. And I hate that you think you're not worth anything to be because of it."
Luna ran her hand over the bandana on her arm as she spoke, her emotions threatening to burn her up. Her own intensity surprised her, but she didn't care. "You can be intense, and careless, and make really stupid choices sometimes, but you don't deserve to be in any kind of pain."
Astra was staring at her now, eyes wide, and Luna swept on, "You're everything, Astra. Not even just to me. You're just everything. And maybe I'm the one being reckless for saying this, but you're the person I want to spend my entire life with. And here's my proof."
She untied the purple bandanna from her arm and rubbed it in her thumbs, before turning and placing it in Astra's hands. The action seemed so calm and gentle in comparison to Luna's storm of emotion.
Astra's gaze flickered to the fabric she was now holding, and then back to Luna. "But it's…this was your mother's."
"Yang gave it to Blake," Luna reminded her. "And now I'm giving it to you," her words were calmer now, her emotions settling. "I love you, Astra Katt, in a way that I didn't even know I was capable of loving anyone. And I can't stand hearing you talk as if I deserve anyone other than you as my soulmate."
Astra welled up again, her lip trembling. "Are you…are you sure?" Her voice shook as she spoke.
"For once in my life, I'm completely sure," Luna assured her. "And any time you doubt that, I want you to look at that bandanna and remember how you got it- by being the bravest, smartest, most incredible girlfriend anyone could ask for."
Astra clutched the bandanna to her chest, sniffling, before she threw her arms around Luna. Luna hugged her back, her intense emotions melting away to be replaced with softer affection. "I love you, Astra," she whispered. "Don't forget that, dumbass."
Astra's response was between a sob and a laugh. "I love you too." She pulled back, wiping her eyes. "I'm sorry for being such a mess."
Luna wiped a tear from Astra's cheek, before leaning forward and kissing her. "You've already apologized today. No more."
"Right," Astra sniffed. "Or you'll yell at me again, right?"
Luna chuckled. "I'm not going to yell at you. I just want you to be nice to yourself." She leaned on Astra's shoulder. "We're going to get through this together, okay?"
Astra nodded. "Together. I think that could work."
Luna was happy to sit there with Astra for a moment more, hoping that nobody came down this hallway to disturb them. She had to believe what she'd said, at least for Astra's sake. On her own, Luna wasn't sure she could deal with her newfound issue. But with Astra at her side, practically set in stone with a family tradition? Yeah, maybe then, she stood a chance. They would be helping each other, and perhaps that was the best Luna could ask for.
