SERENA
It's official: Morrigan was right. I really am an impulsive, blabbering idiot. Not that there weren't any prior moments to doubt, but . . . what was I thinking?
Why did I tell Varric and Hawke I'd think about their offer?
Entering the Deep Roads again was never part of the plan. Nor was saving anyone or drawing attention from others.
So then, why?
Why did I say and do that?
I sigh and look up at the shimmering stars gleaming overhead. My only source of light, as I make my way across the dark coastal trails toward Sundermount, the supposed new location of my clan. A fact I only recently came to know about by happenstance in a bar, no less.
The thought makes me stop on impulse again. I've lost track of how many times that makes now. At least fifty this past week, if that's not undercutting it. The accompanying mixture of fear and dread sinks into my stomach as usual afterwards, swirling together to form a familiar, nauseous whirlpool, beyond all hope of management.
Creators, what am I thinking?
None of this is a good idea. I shouldn't even be here!
I should go.
Go now.
I can't go back. I can't face the others, tell them that I-I-
My lungs tighten. Constrict.
The world spins, the night sky twisting into an indistinguishable white and black mosaic.
Visions of the past flash through my head. I see Tamlen smiling down at me in those accursed ruins, Duncan and Marethari staring at me with evident sorrow outside our wooden aravels, blood—so much blood—on my hands, my chest, my dagger, and—
Fenedhis lasa, Serena! Get a hold of yourself!
I smack my cheeks. Hard. The memories and world spinning halted. Disrupted. And not too soon.
Both my hands and cheeks sting from the fierce impact, and I rub at the sites, partly regretting the action.
But no. I needed the wakeup call. Panicking and recalling the past won't get me anywhere. I need to keep a calm, level head. Make a decision and stick by it, here and now.
Am I ready to see them or not?
The answer comes faster than I expect. Shouting in the back of my head like it's screaming in my bloody eardrums. Bursting forth easier than I'm able to breathe air.
No, I'm not.
I don't know if I ever will be, because even forever feels too soon. Too soon for someone like me to dare think about. But . . .maybe . . . maybe I can just check on them. Make sure they're alright. Keep watch over them, for a little while, from a distance.
Yes. Yes, that should be manageable.
And it's the least I can do. I owe them that much, for everything they've done for me until now. For all the trouble I've ever put them through. After that . . . After that I can go. Leave in peace. They don't need me, and we'd all be better off, continuing to go our separate ways.
And as for Varric and Hawke . . . Well, the same can be said for them.
Yes.
I can never get involved with others again.
It's better for everyone if I just vanish.
