(Onto the first full chapter of the story! I've broken the first draft up into two chapters as it was very long. As a result, chapter two will be a direct continuation of this one and will be released soon!
Enjoy!)
Reminiscing
Space around the Arcturus Stream's mass relay was experiencing something of a traffic jam, relatively speaking. The large number of ships were not lined up front to back, but there were several even within visual range of the Normandy SR-2's viewports. Scores of others lay further out in the void, all of them waiting for their turn to access the relay.
It was slow going; like most others in the galaxy, the relay was still weakened considerably. Its element zero core needed time to safely charge back up to a level that could propel ships across the stars. Only a few ships could use the relay at a time before it had to be left unused for a while to recover.
Kaiden, Vega, and others on the crew had argued with what Alliance officials were available for the Normandy to receive priority clearance to travel back to the Sol Cluster, but they had been forced to wait as well. There were too many ships carrying refugees and injured, too many vessels carrying vital resources that would help the recovery process on Earth. Only now, after two whole days of waiting, was the Normandy set to travel back to the Sol Cluster in the next group.
I suppose we should be grateful it's only taken three months to recover this much. A little more waiting won't change anything, Liara T'soni pondered as she gazed out the window of her private room, watching the mass relay spin and glow. The datapad journal she'd been updating lay on her desk before her, most of the recently finished entries concerning the time they'd spent stranded.
When the crew of the Normandy finished repairs and departed the uncharted world they had landed on, they had discovered that their wild, unplanned flight from the Crucible's blast had triggered a multi-relay jump ending in the Voyager Cluster. A far more terrible discovery had been the cluster's mass relay, inactive and badly damaged. There had been shock, fear, and grief amongst the crew, many of them wondering if they were trapped in that section of the galaxy for the remainder of their days. The situation had been all the more grim with the loss of EDI; none of them would soon forget Joker's cries as the AI- their friend- had whispered her final words to him, shaking in his arms as she succumbed to whatever the Crucible had done.
For weeks, they had coasted through space, rationing supplies and scanning any nearby systems for signs of civilization or other ships. It had been a month before the first scout ship arrived from Sol; by that time, much of the crew was simply idling about the ship each day, spending time alone or together with friends or significant others. There had been scant motivation to do more than survive day to day, awaiting whatever bleak fate lay ahead. James Vega, gung-ho as ever, had been the main force in keeping the crew searching for a sign of hope.
Joker had kept Normandy on the move, burying his grief in flying or further repairing the ship. Their pilot was a quiet and withdrawn man now, deprived of much of his old energy and wit, rarely cracking jokes where he once had one ready at a moment's notice. Even the arrival of the Alliance frigate Ares to the local relay,loaded with supplies and bringing news of total victory over the Reapers and repairs to the mass relay system, had failed to rouse him much.
The repair work to the Charon relay, begun mere days after the war's end with the resources available from the remains of the Crucible and the knowledge of the galaxy's greatest minds that had built it, had only been sufficient to send a handful of ships like the Ares out into the galaxy at first. They had brought what information was available about the damage to the relays and how they might be repaired, spreading the word to survivors on planets they could reach. The Crucible's blast had damaged the element zero cores of the relays, but partially repaired primary relays still recognized their partners and could send ships on a one-way trip to them.
For months the work to restore the mass relay system had carried on as the galaxy came together once more, reuniting with cut off systems and pooling resources and manpower to accomplish the great undertaking. The communication buoys of the mass relay system hadn't been spared from the damage, and a similar effort to restore comms throughout the galaxy proceeded apace.
By all accounts, it was an effort to rival the construction of the Crucible itself. Liara felt just as frustrated now as she had when she'd first learned of the rebuilding process. Everything she'd learned in her studies of ancient technologies and past cycles might have been of some use, yet she'd been sidelined when it mattered most. Even when the reconstruction effort had finally reached the Voyager Cluster weeks ago, there'd been little for the crew of the Normandy to do but wait even longer, the asari and turian expeditions that had arrived already versed in the repair process for the mass relays.
Now, however, three months of frustration, grief, and endless waiting were finally at an end. Liara was ready to get back to the galaxy and do her part to rebuild what they'd lost, and she'd leverage whatever was left of her Shadow Broker network to do so.
Above all else, she and everyone else on the Normandy needed to get back to Earth so they could know. They all needed to know with certainty what had happened to the woman who had led them, who had formed them into a crew and family closer than any other. Whether it be good news or bad, they were all overdue to learn the fate of Janna Shepard.
One member of the crew needed that knowledge more than any other, for his own well being.
Liara glanced up at the ceiling, wishing she could see through the combat information center to the top of the ship, where the private cabin was. Shepard's quarters, nearly untouched save for one soul since the battle of Earth. Garrus had taken up residence there after he left Shepard's name lying next to the memorial wall, and he had spent most of his time holed up in the cabin, rarely venturing to the lower decks. Few members of the crew ever intruded on him, not after he had lashed out at Javik a few days after they'd added names to the wall.
In hindsight, the Prothean's comment on his envy of Shepard for her "most glorious end" would have best been made out of earshot of Garrus. Javik had been fortunate that James was already standing between him and the enraged turian, powerful biotics or no. Liara legitimately believed that Garrus had wanted to tear Javik apart for a moment.
The incident had seemed to drain whatever strength had been left in Garrus; he had seemed so hopeful when he placed Shepard's memorial plaque aside instead of on the wall, turning to the crew and telling them that he wasn't giving up so easily. His outburst revealed the true depths of the despair behind his facade of optimism, and now it was rare for anyone besides Liara and occasionally Tali to go visit him.
During Garrus' isolation, Liara had brought the turian dextro-amino based meals put together by Vega whenever he failed to show up for dinner and Tali was busy. Many of those times, he would ask her to stay and talk for a bit, usually just reminiscing about their homeworlds and childhoods. Occasionally he talked about his time as Archangel, or Liara would discuss the many things she'd learned about the galaxy as the Shadow Broker. They never spoke of Shepard, however; Liara had lacked both the courage and any idea of how to bring her up with Garrus.
The two of them had fought through the worst the galaxy could throw at them together, always with Commander Shepard leading them forward, and Liara counted the turian amongst her dearest friends. It had torn her apart, watching him force his pain down and put on a mask for her, but she patiently spent as much time with Garrus as he wished and didn't push him to talk any more than he wanted to.
As much as she had tried to be there for Garrus before- and failed, in some ways- what came next was another matter entirely. After being cut off from the galaxy for so long and left to agonize over Shepard's fate, potentially receiving the bad news that they'd all dreaded for months could very well break the turian. Courage was no longer a factor; she could not let him face this ordeal alone.
Liara abruptly stood up from her seat and turned to check the monitors of her work station one more time. Communication with what few contacts she had reconnected with was still slow going, as the transit mass relays had taken priority over the communication buoys, and updates were few and far between. At this point, checking her feeds was more a nervous habit than anything. "Glyph, time remaining until we are set to move through the relay?"
"Half of a standard hour, Dr. T'Soni. We will be the third ship through. Another refugee ship from Artemis Tau and a relief ship returning from Kite's Nest will go ahead of us." Glyph's functionality had been touch and go after the Crucible scoured the galaxy, but he'd clearly not been advanced enough to register as one of its targets; the damage had been minor and repaired quickly, and he was as quick with presenting information she requested as he ever was.
"Thank you, Glyph, that will be all," Liara cut the drone off before he could go into further detail. Normally she allowed the drone to ramble on, sometimes gleaning details from his meticulous reports that she'd previously missed, but she hadn't the time or patience for it at the moment. The moment of truth was nearly upon them, and right now she needed to be at her friend's side, helping him through whatever came next.
She left her room at a brisk pace, taking note of the few crew members present in the open area of the deck. Vega and Cortez were talking at the kitchen table together, Cortez in uniform and Vega in his usual T-shirt, and Vega gave her a brief nod and smile as she walked by. She returned the smile, glad for his presence on the ship; the powerful Marine was still the most upbeat person around, even with his commander MIA, and he saw it as his duty to cheer up anyone he could by any means.
On the other side of the dividing wall, Tali sat opposite from the memorial, her knees up against her chest. Her black-purple quarantine suit looked maintained and polished; like most others on the ship, the young quarian had likely needed something to occupy time and take her mind off Shepard. The decision to stop attempting to reactivate EDI was definitely weighing heavily on her as well. She'd spent more time at the memorial wall as of late, usually too distracted to do more than briefly acknowledge others, but Liara paused when she saw Tali turn to face her.
"Liara. Hey…" Tali greeted her. "Are you going upstairs?"
Liara didn't have to ask which deck she meant by that. "Yes. Someone should be up there with him when we reach Earth." She paused, assessing the quarian's body language and tone of voice, mannerisms she'd learnt over the years until the mask Tali wore was hardly an impediment in conversation. Loneliness and anxiety radiated from her friend at the moment. "Do you wish to come with me? Perhaps… perhaps he would appreciate more company, at least for today. We should all face this together, as we have everything else."
Tali shook her head slowly. "It should just be you. The two of you went through so much with her, even more than Kaidan and I. I'll probably need some time alone anyway if… if they say she's…" Her voice started to choke up audibly even through the mask, and Liara reflexively knelt down to hug her, feeling Tali's arms wrap around her in turn. The two of them stayed like that for a long moment, taking comfort in each other's presence.
"We made it through the Reapers, Tali. We can make it through this, too," Liara murmured. "No matter what happens next, you'll get to go home to Rannoch afterward, and help your people continue to rebuild. Take comfort in that."
"...I'll try to." Tali squeezed Liara one more time before releasing her from the embrace. "Thank you, Liara. Can I come find you later? I think I'd like to talk more then."
Liara smiled. "Of course, Tali. Whenever you want to." She stood back up, touching Tali's shoulder one last time, and she turned to step into the ship's main elevator and touched the console to travel upwards. As the doors began to close, Liara got one last glimpse of Tali turning back to face the memorial.
From the orientation of her helmet, the quarian seemed to be looking at Legion's name.
A sigh escaped Liara as the elevator doors closed. When the Ares had found them and brought news from Earth, learning the fate of the geth had hit Tali hard. Legion's sacrifice and the geth's immediate efforts to help the quarians rebuild on Rannoch had obviously been a lot for Tali to process. Peace established with the synthetics her people had created and turned on, a chance for a bright future of coexistence after 200 years of war. Barely a few months later, all that came crashing down as the Crucible apparently left every geth in the galaxy dead, their network erased. Liara couldn't imagine the mix of emotions that was causing for her quarian friend.
For all that had been lost, however, Tali still had a home and friends to go back to. They'd always known that Tali would have to leave the Normandy at some point and join her people in integrating back into their homeworld. But Garrus…. even if his sister and father turned out to still be alive, she imagined that was a cold comfort. Liara had watched as the Commander changed Garrus' life for the better and that change, that love, had been ripped away from him…if Shepard was actually dead.
Three months was a long time, but communications hadn't been restored in their section of the galaxy and the Ares hadn't even heard of any rumors before traveling through the relays. Liara had never given up on Shepard and wouldn't now; when they returned to Earth, she would confirm her dear friend's fate with her own eyes.
The elevator reached the top deck and opened, allowing Liara to step out and walk to the door of the captain's cabin. She raised a hand to knock at the door, but hesitated when she heard Garrus' voice inside. The turian appeared to be talking to himself, and when Liara listened a little more closely, she took note of methodical speech and pointed pauses. She also heard the word "spirits" more than once, realizing that it wasn't a conversation but a prayer. Liara found herself rather taken aback; in all the time she'd known Garrus, he'd never seemed particularly religious.
After a moment of hesitation, Liara raised her hand to the door and waited until Garrus' murmuring ceased before knocking softly. The silence from within continued for a moment, then she heard him call out, "That you, Liara?"
"Yes. I wanted to talk to you, if that's alright."
"...Come in."
Garrus never bothered locking the door now, with none of the crew very keen on barging in on him and Liara and Tali always knocking first. She slid the cabin door open and stepped inside, her eyes adjusting to the dimmer light. Shepard had preferred a darker tone of lighting for her quarters on the SR-2- she'd claimed it made the fish tank's glow more appealing- and Garrus hadn't changed a thing in the time he'd been in here. When her eyesight returned properly, Liara saw that her turian friend was sitting on the corner couch, his back to the door.
He was clad in his armor as always, the upgraded steel-grey and golden-striped set that Shepard had gotten for the turian after the rocket that scarred his face also damaged his original gear. Repairing the damage it had sustained on Earth had consumed Garrus for weeks after the battle; he'd been working on it nearly every time Liara had visited him back then, clearly trying to drown his pain in labor. The day after he'd finished the task and restored the armor, Liara had found him three sheets to the wind thanks to one of the expensive bottles he'd bought to share with Janna.
Garrus had made a mess of the room that time, stumbling around in a drunken stupor, but the cabin was cleaned back up now. It was almost too tidy, with all of Shepard's possessions placed neatly on shelves or tucked away in drawers. Her ship models still hung neatly on their racks and the hamster was rolling around in shavings, very well fed in contrast to the thinning turian that cared for it. Shepard's old N7 helmet sat on the desk on the far side of the room, Garrus' weapons lying next to it. The couch's centerpiece table was clear of the usual wine glasses and datapad or two, however. Only a liquor bottle and a framed picture of the crew, all of them standing and sitting together in Shepard's Citadel apartment, lay on the table now.
The turian turned to look at her, his blue eyes thankfully sober and almost glowing as they reflected the light of the fish tank. The scars on his face still stood out, joined now by several on the skin below his carapace from his injuries on Earth. Said injuries still pained him occasionally- he couldn't hide that from her no matter how hard he tried- but she knew better than to bring the matter up. He looked more haggard than ever with a hunched posture and drooping mandibles, and his skin had grown paler due to the turian never bothering to join the crew for forays outside onto the few planets they could reach. His voice wasn't much better, sounding scratchy from disuse as he addressed her. "Any word on what'll happen when we get to the Sol Cluster?"
"The captain of an Alliance ship on this end informed us that all returning ships are to fly straight to the Citadel. Zakera apparently suffered the least damage of the five wards, and is being used as a processing point for anyone coming through the relay as well as a general refugee site."
"And nothing about anyone waiting to meet us specifically?"
"Not that I heard," Liara admitted. "I can only assume they'll have prepared some kind of response to our return, given the Normandy's significance in the war."
"Yeah, I bet. People will probably be clamoring for the return of their hero like all of them out here were." Garrus waved his arm vaguely at the wall, but Liara knew he meant the ships surrounding them in space, several of which had raised the Normandy when they'd arrived at the relay. Some had been asking questions about the state of the galaxy where they'd come from. The Alliance officials they'd been in contact with had asked to speak with Shepard directly to discuss the Normandy's situation. Most had just asked for the chance to talk to the great Commander Shepard or offered thanks and congratulations and all manner of platitudes to the savior of the galaxy.
Specialist Traynor had eventually started sending back a template message that their comms were still damaged and they had to cease transmissions for the time being to enact further repairs. It had been too much for her and everyone else aboard to deal with.
"We can't blame them for looking for heroes and cause for celebration now, especially since it's clear no one out here knows what happened to her. Too many people lost too much to the Reapers."
He didn't answer her, so Liara stepped down the short staircase and rounded the table to sit across from Garrus, who had dropped her gaze and was looking at the photograph on the table again.
She remembered that night, the wild party that had let all of them just celebrate being alive together. Floating Vega off the balcony had been her highlight of the night, and getting to simply have friends and spend time with them was a luxury she hadn't realized she needed so badly until then. Liara also remembered that Shepard and Garrus had eyes only for one another by the end of the evening; indeed, even in the picture they were each other's focus.
Garrus himself seemed lost in the memories, hardly even registering her last words. Liara leaned forward to lay a hand on his shoulder, and the turian slowly turned to face her again. This close, Liara could now see the sheer weariness in his eyes, and something more lurked further inward, something almost akin to rage. She almost shrank back from him, but steeled herself and remained where she was.
"Garrus, I came up here because I'm concerned for you and what might happen today," she murmured. "The last three months, you've worried me and the rest of the crew, isolated up here like this."
"You didn't need to worry," he answered, a little too quickly. "I've been fine up here. People can do their jobs without me in the way and don't need to waste time on platitudes."
"Enough, Garrus, please." Her firm demand seemed to startle the turian; before he could reply, Liara pressed on. "Avoiding us meant avoiding any mention of Shepard, as well as not having to deal with Kaiden or Javik. I understand that and I accepted it because I am your friend. I didn't want you to be in any more pain than you already are, but if our fears are confirmed when we reach the Citadel then I need to be there with you, and you need to be honest with me."
"...Honest about what, exactly?"
"Look me in the eye and promise me that you will not do anything foolish if they tell us Janna is dead."
Garrus stared at her for a long moment. When he spoke, the flanging effect of his voice was more pronounced, as it always was when he was agitated or speaking loudly. "Did you really come in here to ask me if I'm going to off myself? You think I'd do something like that?"
"I don't know," she emphasized. "You've spent all this time suffering pain that no one should ever have to bear, and you suffered through it alone because you cut yourself off from nearly everyone and refused to talk about her. What am I supposed to believe, Garrus? That you're in perfect health and of a sound mind?"
"You and I talked-"
"We've talked of the past, and of better days, Garrus. We never spoke about Shepard." Liara cut him off. "That's coping, not healing."
"Healing?" Garrus choked out. Anger filled the turian's voice, and he leaned forward as the mess of emotions she'd glimpsed earlier surged to the fore. "Healing? Liara, what should I have done, gone down there with everyone and pretend that life was still going on? That I haven't been stuck in a damned limbo, waiting for the day I find out about Shepard and dreading it more and more as that day gets closer? I've hung onto this one scrap of hope that she's alive and nothing else for three months, and now it may be about to get ripped away from me. You want to know what I'm going to do when we find out? I don't know either."
He sat back, breathing hard, and she let her hand fall from his shoulder as the two of them stared at each other for a long moment. Liara was the first to speak, softening her tone again. "Is it only a scrap of hope, Garrus? After everything we went through with Shepard, everything we saw her survive?"
"You tell me. The last thing we saw back at Earth was the Citadel charging something up and starting to tear itself apart with her inside, Liara. We watched, and I wasn't there with her." The anger left Garrus suddenly, and he slumped where he sat. "I was never big into asking the spirits for help, you know. Didn't seem practical to rely on something intangible like that. But when we were on Earth, before we made the push to the beam, Janna and I talked about the future, about living together… with kids. She said either we'd both make it or she'd be looking out for me from a bar somewhere beyond. She… she promised me I'd never be alone, no matter what."
Liara sat as still as a stone, struggling to reign in her grief. Her two friends had loved each other more than any couple she'd ever seen or heard of before. Talking about their final private moments, probably for the first time since the battle, looked like it physically pained Garrus with each word.
The turian exhaled, mastering himself before continuing to speak. "When she stepped away, that was the first time I ever asked the spirits for anything. Asked them to see her through that mess, to make that future we talked about happen. I would've given anything to get that happy ever after for us, or at least to die alongside her. If the spirits exist, they weren't in a giving mood that day, I guess."
"Oh, Garrus…"
"Now we're about to find out what happened and I can't help asking the spirits again for something, anything, even if it's just to see her one more time. If they can't even give me that, if we go back there and they tell us she's gone, if she died alone and I didn't have her back at the end…" Garrus' mandibles tightened and his voice became almost strangled as he bent over the table, staring at the picture in front of him. "I don't think it matters what I do if that's the case. Everything I am now is because of her. Without Shepard, I'm nothing."
"That's not true," Liara whispered defiantly, even as a tear started to fall down her cheek. "She had faith in you, Garrus. I know she still does, no matter if she's still with us or gone. She believed that you could carry on."
"I don't know if she ever truly thought that we'd have to find out if I could. I still can't believe that I'll have to. You weren't wrong; even if the Citadel came apart with her on board, I've seen her survive too much. I haven't been able to mourn her because it's impossible to think that she's dead. And that's what's scaring me most, that this unshakeable faith in her means that getting bad news will tear me apart."
Garrus' eyes met hers again, and there was still that anger in his gaze, only now she realized it for what it was. Self-loathing. "You want to know the worst of it? I caught myself wondering if I would still hurt this much if I'd never fallen in love with her. I actually thought, for one brief moment, that never being with her might've been worth it to not have to feel like this. If I could've beaten myself to a pulp for thinking that, I would've. Had to let the bottle do the work instead."
That went a long way to explaining why the normally-restrained turian had become so inebriated when he'd been left with nothing to distract him. It did nothing to ease Liara's grief as she realized the true depths of the agony her friend had been enduring. Fighting back a fresh wave of emotion, she moved over on the couch and reached out to grasp his shoulder again, although this time she pulled him gently towards her and Garrus didn't resist.
Liara leaned her head against the crests of his, feeling him shaking ever so slightly. Closing her eyes to hold back her tears, she whispered, "No matter what you feel right now, I know your love for her is far greater, Garrus. You'd never let go of it and of her. Don't punish yourself for something that isn't worth the consideration."
"...I just miss her so damn much, Liara," Garrus whispered. The sub-harmonics of his voice warbled with sorrow that he could no longer conceal. "It feels like it's killing me, a small piece of me dying each day. I had to shut down for months because I couldn't stand the waiting, and now I want to get to Earth and see her because she can't be dead, and I'm terrified at the idea of finding out that she's gone. It's all just too much."
"I know. I know it is, Garrus, but we can't talk as if the worst has already been confirmed. There's still hope that she's waiting for us, and hope is not an evil thing to hold onto. Even if she's gone, don't see it as that hope being taken from you. Remember that you had faith in her, all the way to the end. But I don't believe that will be the case."
Garrus didn't reply for a moment, seemingly processing what she'd said. When he did finally speak again, it was in a hoarse murmur. "Do you really think she's still alive?"
"I do." Liara was caught off guard by her own confidence, but she forged ahead and sat back up to look Garrus in the eye once more. "In all the time we knew Shepard, she always made it out of situations as long as even the faintest chance of survival existed. I know there had to be some way for her to make it out of there."
"You know that, huh?"
"Of course I do. I am the Shadow Broker, Garrus. I know everything."
That got a reluctant chuckle out of Garrus. "Of course you do," he repeated. His expression was still one of terrible weariness, but his mandibles lifted in a faint smile. "Thanks for coming up here, Liara. I mean it. You and Tali have helped."
She opened her mouth to reply, but Garrus held a three-fingered hand up to indicate that he wasn't finished. "You said you wanted honesty. I can tell you that I won't try to join her if she's dead. Janna would never forgive me for doing something that stupid, and I'm not going to let her down again."
There was no trace of a lie on Garrus' face, and a weight left Liara's shoulders that she hadn't realized was there. "I needed to hear that, Garrus. We've all already lost so much. I can't bury more friends…"
"I understand. Sorry for making you worry."
"And I'm sorry that I can't do more for you right now, Garrus. I'm aware that nothing I say will really make today any easier to get through."
"Nothing anyone could do will make it easier. Not as if easy was ever an option onboard this ship, though. She always put us through the wringer, didn't she?"
It was Liara's turn to laugh softly. "Yes, she did. So many close calls and wild adventures by her side, it was hard to keep track of them all. And I wouldn't give up a single moment of it for anything."
"Neither would I." Garrus looked as if he wanted to say something more, but they were interrupted by the ship-wide intercom, Joker's voice filling the cabin from the speakers above and drawing both their gazes upward.
"Heads up, people. We just got cleared to go through the relay, making the jump in thirty seconds. We're heading home." The familiar vibration could be felt through the floor as the Normandy went into motion, antiproton thrusters propelling the ship forward.
Liara looked back down and saw that Garrus was staring at the photograph of the crew once more, gaze locked on Shepard's face within. Without meeting her eyes, he muttered, "Moment of truth, then. I… I'm not ready for this, Liara."
"I'm not ready either," she admitted. "But let's see it through regardless, together as always. And let us pray that soon enough, she'll be back with us once more." She reached out with one open hand, and after a moment of hesitation Garrus took it in his own, his three fingers tightly gripping her five.
Asari and turian sat together without speaking, listening instead to the faint hum of the ship interacting with the mass relay. They both knew the process by heart after all their travels with Shepard, could tell what was happening just by the noise; the charging of the element zero core, the opening of the mass-free corridor, and then an near-instantaneous transition from one part of the galaxy to the next, all of it audible as a series of hums and whines from the ship's inner workings, and felt as a light sensation of 'butterflies in the stomach' as the humans often put it.
In just a few short hours, their months of waiting would end. They would be back in the Sol Cluster, on their way to Earth and the Citadel.
On their way to Shepard.
