(Been a bit, but here's the next chapter in this tale. Trying to let the flow of events proceed naturally while getting to the meat of the story itself. Looking forward to getting the next entries in so more of the cast can finally get some attention!

Enjoy!)

Open Wounds

Their exodus from the converted apartment and the Towers was quick and quiet. Garrus pushed the wheelchair along at a steady pace, taking care not to bump against doorways or corners as he transported Shepard through the halls. For her part, Shepard sat still and let herself be wheeled out of the place without comment; it appeared that the weight of her situation was finally settling onto her shoulders, hunched as they were. The joyous surprise of their reunion was mixed with the shared realization that for the time being, she would be getting carted around by others any time she wanted to do anything.

Garrus understood her silence all too well and didn't take it personally. His girlfriend had paid a high price for the peace she'd won them. He could only be thankful that it hadn't been higher.

Having had to take the stairs down from further up in the Towers, Garrus decided that their best option would be riding the elevator to the thirty-fifth floor and calling Cortez from the landing pad there. The others had clearly realized this as well; when the elevator doors opened and Garrus pushed Shepard out into the hall, he found Liara and Tali standing at the exit to the landing pad, talking to Admiral Hackett.

The old human looked to have regained a bit of vigor compared to earlier, and his face brightened further when he saw the pair of them coming down the hall. Hackett turned and stood straighter even as Tali laughed and ran forward to meet them halfway, leaning down and wrapping her arms tight around Shepard. "You stupid, crazy bosh'tet of a captain," she said in a voice both trembling and joyful. "You have to stop scaring us like that."

For the first time since they left the apartment, Shepard spoke up, her own tone full of delighted amusement. "I'll try my best, Tali. C'mere." She returned Tali's hug with her own arm, squeezing the quarian against her for a long while. "It's awesome to see you again. Thanks for looking out for this big lug while I was out."

"Anytime, Shepard. Thank you for not dying on us."

Releasing her grip on Tali after giving her shoulder one last squeeze, Shepard peered past her to smile at Liara, who had followed the quarian at a more measured pace and now waited a few steps away, wearing a small smile of her own. "I should thank you both. I heard it was a team effort."

Liara's eyes flickered up to meet Garrus' own briefly, amusement in her gaze. "He certainly didn't make it easy at first. I think he missed you."

Garrus grunted, feeling a bit miffed. "I'm right here, you know."

Shepard reached over her shoulder and patted his hand where it gripped the wheelchair's handle, chuckling as she did so. "How about you, Liara? Miss me as well?"

Liara's grin widened even as the glimmer of tears shone in the corner of her eyes. "Perhaps a little. It's a relief to have my faith in your survival rewarded."

"I bet it's also a relief that you won't have to go on another galaxy-wide search for my body."

"There is that, too." A quivering laugh slipped out of the asari as she hesitantly stepped forward. The embrace with Shepard that she leaned down into wasn't quite as energetic as Tali's had been. Garrus could see Liara shaking as she pressed her face against Shepard's shoulder, and her voice was strangled as she managed to murmur, "You saved us all. Thank you. Thank you."

Janna held Liara tight, whispering something to her that Garrus couldn't quite catch. No one spoke as the two friends shared a heartfelt moment together, a great deal of tension visibly leaving the asari as she hugged Janna with all her strength. Liara eventually drew away, letting out a shaky breath, and Shepard held the asari's hand in her own for a moment longer before turning towards the only person in the hall that she hadn't yet greeted.

Hackett had remained at a distance, waiting in respectful silence as Shepard reunited with her crewmates. Only when she turned her attention to him did the old human speak up, grinning faintly as he removed his hat and held it before him. "Commander Shepard. I can't express how glad I am to finally see you awake. Let me be the first to thank you, on the behalf of the Alliance, for what you did for us, for everyone."

"Admiral Hackett. It's good to see you made it through the battle, sir." Shepard released Liara's hand to bring her own up for a salute, only for the old man to shake his head quickly.

"No, Commander. You don't salute me, not after what you did for us. If I could have it my way you'd never salute anyone again." The grin faded from Hackett's face as he continued, "Doubt I'll be getting my way much anymore. Especially where it concerns you."

The serious change in the human's tone had Garrus stepping around the wheelchair to stand by Shepard's side, and he glanced aside to see his girlfriend's face full of confusion as her hand slowly fell. "Sir?" she asked hesitantly.

Hackett's eyes flicked across the four of them, three members of Shepard's crew standing around their seated captain, and he let out a long sigh. "Commander, even if we had all day I wouldn't get to say half the things I want to. We don't have that kind of time, unfortunately, so I'll keep this brief. Dr. T'Soni and Ms. Rayah can fill in the blanks later, and I'll find time to contact you again soon. But for now…"

The old admiral shifted in place to stand at attention and address them, just as he had via hologram throughout the war. "Per my directive, maybe twenty people in total knew for certain that you were alive these last few months. With your ship and crew returned and questions flying around, that state of affairs can no longer be maintained. In twenty-four hours I'll be making a public statement detailing your survival and the fact that you've been in recovery until now."

Hackett paused, looking at Shepard with something akin to pity. "I'm sorry to say this, but you and your crew may want to depart Earth as soon as possible following that announcement."

Garrus stiffened, indignation and hostility arising at the admiral's words even as Tali exclaimed, "Now hold on, you didn't say anything about-!"

The quarian was silenced by Shepard's hand gently grabbing her arm. Tali looked at her captain and stood down with obvious reluctance as Janna leaned forward, a hard frown fixed on her face. "What's going on, sir? I'd appreciate it if we could speak freely; I did just wake up, after all."

"I know, Commander. I know you did." Garrus had learned enough about human expressions from his time with C-Sec and with Shepard to recognize an honest apology on Hackett's face. "Everyone wanted to know what happened to you after the Crucible activated and the war ended. Much of the surviving Alliance leadership were adamant that you be found at any cost. They said the galaxy would still need a symbol in the trying times ahead, and who better than the human who saved us all?"

The last few words were spoken with a weary intonation, and Garrus crossed his arms even as Shepard's face darkened at the same time. None of them missed the implications of that phrasing.

"The Alliance is trying to take the credit for the Reapers' defeat?" Janna growled, sounding furious.

"No, nothing so overt, and not all the new Admiralty are of that frame of mind. It's just…" Hackett ran a hand through what little hair he had and sighed in frustration. "The pieces of our torn-up galaxy are falling back into place, Commander, and people are maneuvering to be in advantageous positions when they land. There are many who will point out that the war was won here at Earth, and that it was a human who dealt the decisive blow to the Reapers. They would argue that humanity's efforts warrant a greater share of authority over the upcoming decisions that the galaxy will face."

"And what decisions would those be, exactly?" Garrus cut in. "Deciding which war-torn planets receive aid first? Granting resettling rights for abandoned worlds? Is the Alliance claiming that their authority in those matters outstrips the Council's now, just because the war ended on their turf?"

Hackett turned to face Garrus' glare, and the guarded expression in the old human's eyes told a story of its own. Liara and Tali were both looking at him now, he realized, and there was trepidation in their gazes as well.

Shepard was the first to speak. "Oh. Oh, shit," she whispered. "The entire Council?"

The old admiral nodded. "The Presidium was hit hardest. The mess that the Reapers left the Citadel in made rescue and recovery options difficult- and a census damn near impossible- but we did our best. As far as we can tell, about half this station's inhabitants lost their lives before the war ended. The Council, most of C-Sec, and the majority of every race's ambassadors were among that number."

Garrus closed his eyes, taking a moment to master the grief that swept over him. First Cerberus' attack on the Citadel, and now this. There hadn't been time to think about what the Reapers seizing the Citadel would mean for the people onboard, not when they had been facing what was likely their last battle ever. Shepard had occupied his thoughts throughout the months following the war's end. Now, however, there was no escaping the fact that every single friend he'd ever made in C-Sec was probably dead.

When his eyes opened again, he found Shepard looking no less horrified than he felt. "Admiral..." she started, swallowing hard before continuing, "Do… do you know if Chakwas-?"

"Dr. Chakwas made it out alive." For a fleeting moment, Hackett wore the ghost of a smile. "I checked up on her personally and put her to work in one of the few good hospitals Vancouver has left after the war."

Shepard slumped back in her seat, letting out a shaky breath, and it wasn't hard to guess what was going through her head at that second. Garrus remembered the look that had been on her face after she returned from ordering Chakwas to stay on the Citadel and assist the war effort there. He took a moment to thank the spirits for protecting the doctor; that would have been one death Shepard would never forgive herself for.

Garrus then turned his gaze back to Hackett and growled, "Everyone on the Normandy has friends and family they need to find now that the war's over. The crew will need some damn rest after three months with few resources and no contact with the rest of the galaxy. Did you even consider that before deciding that throwing Shepard back out into space would be easier than keeping a bunch of ambitious Alliance types out of her hair?"

If Hackett took offense to that, the poker face he instantly adopted betrayed none of it. The old man spoke softly as he replied, "I did consider it, Vakarian. While I agree that the crew of the Normandy deserves downtime, I wasn't joking about not getting my way anymore. You, Commander Shepard, are the single most important person in the galaxy now, and you were hidden away for months on my order. My actions will be misconstrued by many as keeping you in my custody for use as a political bargaining chip. There's little doubt that within a week, the subject of my retirement will be brought up amongst the Admiralty. I intend to comply."

That got Janna fired up again. "Admiral Hackett, no," she blurted out, sitting up straight. "That's going too far. I don't care what people are saying, the galaxy needs you at the Alliance's helm more than it needs me as some kind of idol." The last word twisted her mouth, but she got it out.

"There's not much good I can do while people are convinced that I tried to use your name to further my own ends, Commander. If I step down from the Admiralty, I can still act in other capacities elsewhere. More importantly, you get a blank slate to determine your own course of action in these uncertain times."

Hackett looked Shepard dead in the eye, his gaze unwavering. "No one in the Alliance will be so obvious in their efforts to pressure you, be it with words or action. Not after watching me 'attempting' the same and seeing my career end over it. All the same, remaining at Earth increases the odds that people start pursuing your support for their agendas. All I can do is buy you time to make your plans and get underway."

Shepard just shook her head, staring at Hackett in disbelief. "Why, Admiral? You don't owe me this."

"Actually, I do. The whole galaxy owes you a tremendous debt, Commander, and I can only try to pay back my small piece of it. Beyond that... " The old man's expression grew somber. "You're going to need time to cope with your losses. Anyone would. This is the only way I could get it for you; they won't leave you be otherwise."

"I can handle a few injuries."

"Not what I was referring to. It took us a while to find you after the first teams made it back onboard the Citadel, but it was only a short while into search and rescue operations…" Hackett paused and sighed. "...That we found Admiral Anderson. He was killed in action, Shepard. I'm sorry. I know the two of you were close."

Garrus heard a small gasp from Liara- evidently Hackett hadn't mentioned that part to them yet- but he had eyes only for his girlfriend. Shepard's face turned into a dead-eyed mask, skin going pale as she seemed to shrink in upon herself. Seeing the woman who'd faced down Reaper Brutes without flinching in that kind of distress painfully twisted something inside of him.

"I…" Shepard started in a choked voice, her eyes fixed on her shaking hand that gripped the wheelchair's arm hard. "I didn't…"

Whatever she was trying to say, she failed to get it out and simply slumped in her seat. "Take me back to the Normandy, Garrus. Please."

As soon as the last word left her mouth, he grabbed Janna's wheelchair and began pushing it towards the landing pad exit, storming past Hackett. The old human said nothing and watched them go, clearly troubled, but Garrus hardly cared at that moment. Shepard needed to be onboard her ship and that was all that mattered.

More than anything, he wanted to get Shepard out of there because of the look on her face and how much it unnerved him. What she didn't look like was someone shocked or horrified by unexpected and tragic news.

With all the practice he'd had at reading humans and Janna in particular, Garrus could only term the expression he'd seen on her face as agonized guilt.


To his credit, Cortez picked up on the mood as soon as he appeared in the opening shuttle door and saw their grim expressions. Much as the pilot looked like he wanted to jump for joy at his commander's return, Steve simply gave Shepard a restrained nod before returning to the cockpit. Janna didn't seem to notice, sitting limply and staring at nothing in particular as Garrus pushed her wheelchair up the shuttle's ramp, Liara and Tali right behind him. When he helped Shepard into one of the shuttle's seats for a more secure ride, she wouldn't meet his eyes.

No one spoke on the flight back to the Normandy. Liara buried her face in her omni-tool's screen, taking in more reports and intel and trying very hard to not look at Shepard. Tali stared out the window at the ruined Citadel below them in an effort to do the same. Only Garrus dared, sitting directly across from Janna and watching her as the hum of the shuttle's flight reverberated around them. The guilt and pain that Shepard displayed soon gave way to something like resignation as she stared at her lap, oblivious to everyone else in the shuttle.

Eventually they drew close to a hangar that Joker had told Cortez to head to after he picked them back up. The familiar sleek shape of the Normandy came into view, docked with its cargo bay open and more than one empty shuttle on landing pads nearby.

To Garrus' relief, the light finally returned to Shepard's eyes as she looked up and beheld her ship once more. A small but genuine smile appeared on her face as she appraised, "Doesn't look worse for wear, at least. Did the crew scatter when you all arrived?"

"No idea. We left the ship before it even docked." Tali sounded pleased with Shepard's change in mood; the feeling of coming home to one's ship was something the quarian certainly understood. "Some were planning on meeting with whatever Alliance officials they could, but I bet at least a few of them will be waiting for their captain's return."

Liara spoke up then, giving Shepard a warm smile as she did. "I know one person who'll most definitely be onboard. He's probably glued to his console in the cockpit, watching us fly in right now."

"Joker," Shepard murmured, a hint of elation in her tone. Though she seemed pleased at the thought of seeing her oldest friend again, trepidation crept over her face after a few moments. She looked around at them all, chewing on her words before simply stating, "I need to talk to him. Right away."

Her ominous tone had Garrus sharing a concerned glance with Liara as the Kodiak's engines flared and they slowed to a crawl, Cortez expertly gliding the shuttle into the Normandy's cargo bay. As the craft settled to the floor and the door slid open with a hiss, Garrus stood from his seat and dragged Shepard's wheelchair over to her, but she held up a hand to stop him. Janna instead turned towards the cockpit and called out, "Steve, get out here."

After a moment's pause, Cortez appeared in the cockpit entrance, looking extremely nervous. His eyes flickered briefly towards Shepard's left side, but he made no comment about her injuries. "Commander. It's… it's good to see you again. Are you-?"

"I'm fine, Lieutenant. I was just out of it for a bit there, and I'm sorry about that." A soft smile played across Janna's lips as she leaned forward, holding her hand out towards the pilot. "It's good to see you too. Wouldn't feel right if it wasn't you flying me back to the Normandy."

His face breaking into a smile of his own, Cortez stepped forward to grasp Janna's hand with his own and shake it eagerly. "It's my job, ma'am. All I've hoped for was the chance to do it again."

"You'll have it. I'll still need your help going forward." Shepard jerked her head towards her missing limbs. "A lot more than I used to, I think."

"In that case…" Cortez stood up straight, snapping off a crisp salute. "Let me be the first to welcome you back aboard the Normandy, Commander Shepard."

Janna's remaining hand rose to return the salute, her form as sharp as it'd ever been. "Thank you, Steve." Only then did she reach over and grab the arm of the wheelchair, hauling herself into it and looking up at Tali and Liara. "I may be talking with Joker for a while. Can you guys sweep the crew deck and see who else is onboard? Tell them I'm back and that I'll address everyone on the crew deck later on."

"Well, the fact that no one's come running out to greet us yet is telling." Tali jerked a thumb at the shuttle's open door and the empty space of the bay visible through it. "If we find anyone, though, we'll let them know."

"I also must return to my station and get to work putting the remains of the Shadow Broker network back together," Liara cut in. "We'll need all the information we can get in the coming days. I'll start with whoever might be left among my Citadel contacts and build from there- assuming that communications beyond this system work at all yet."

Janna nodded in agreement. "While you're on that, Liara, do me a favor and see what you can find about what any surviving Spectres have been up to since the war's end. The Council's gone, and Hackett would have mentioned if there were plans to replace them soon. I need to know what that will mean for Kaidan and myself."

"Of course. I admit that I'm curious about that particular situation as well."

"Thanks." Only then did Shepard turn her head to finally look Garrus in the eye. "Before we head up to see Joker, can we talk for a minute?"

The others picked up on the cue immediately; Tali and Liara were out of the shuttle and on their way to the elevator while Steve retreated to the cockpit muttering about "diagnostics". As the door closed behind Cortez, Garrus wheeled Shepard down the shuttle's extended ramp and into the empty space of the bay before stepping around the chair to face her. "I think we should talk, yeah. I have questions."

"I figured. We left some stuff unsaid earlier."

"Like how it seems that you weren't done recalling everything after all?" he asked pointedly. "Janna, I haven't seen you freeze up like that before. Ever."

He shook his head slowly, mandibles tightening in concern as he stared down at the woman he loved. "What the hell happened the day the war ended? What happened to Admiral Anderson?"

Shepard hesitated, and though she tried to maintain her poker face, Garrus could see the weariness and trauma surfacing in her eyes. For the rest of them, it had been three months since the war's end. For her, it probably seemed like mere hours, and she'd awoken to a serious shock. Much as he hated questioning her like this, bringing up what had obviously been a painful conclusion to the war, Garrus suspected that his girlfriend was a few steps away from a breakdown. Better to know ahead of time whether she was going to fall apart.

"Anderson…" Janna whispered, swallowing hard before starting over. "Anderson made it onto the Citadel before me. He was looking for some way to use the Crucible, I was looking for him, and… the Illusive Man found us both."

His fingers curled into tight fists upon hearing that damned name. Trying to keep a tremor of rage out of his sub-vocals, Garrus quietly asked, "The Reapers left him alive?"

"They had control of him but left enough of his will intact that he didn't even realize it; it was like Saren all over again. He got biotics or something, I don't know what exactly, but he froze Anderson and myself in place. He started talking about controlling the Reapers, trying to convince us that he'd been right all along, and then… then he decided to prove a point."

Shepard closed her eyes for a moment, taking in a shuddering breath before meeting his gaze again with a look of pure misery. "He forced me to shoot Anderson. The gun was in my hand, and he made me raise it and I couldn't stop it, Garrus. I wasn't strong enough, and I failed him."

There had been few enough times in Garrus' life when he'd been at a loss for words, yet now he found himself wondering if there was any real way to respond to what Shepard had just said. He blinked slowly, trying to balance his search for the right reply with an even greater fury directed at the Illusive Man.

Janna had told him before what Anderson was to her, had explained the role he'd played in her life since she'd lost her family and joined the Alliance. The Illusive Man had made Shepard shoot and kill her father figure. There was no hell painful enough for the insane human.

"It wasn't on you," he finally got out. "You said it yourself, the Illusive Man was controlling you. Doesn't matter how it went down, he's the one who murdered the admiral. Not you."

"Doesn't change anything. Anderson's gone, Garrus." Janna rubbed her face over with her remaining hand, looking utterly exhausted. "I'm sorry I fell apart back there. When everything started coming back to me, I guess I was blocking that part out, or hoping it was another nightmare, or something other than the truth. Hackett informing me otherwise took a bit to process, but I-" She sighed. "I'll handle it."

"Can you?"

"What choice do I have? I can beat myself up about it every day until I die and it won't change what happened. The crew held themselves together after the war; I owe it to them to do the same."

"You don't owe anyone a damn thing," Garrus growled. "Not after what you've been through."

"Look, just… don't tell anyone. Please. Anderson was a hero and he died as one, and that's all I want anyone to remember about his death.'

A thought occurred to Garrus then. "That woman we met at Grissom Academy. Kahlee Sanders, the one that was close to Anderson. We leaving her in the dark too?"

That made Shepard pause, a fresh look of sorrow passing across her face. Garrus hated being the cause of it, but he wasn't going to let Shepard keep a secret that he knew would eat at her. Not unless she'd considered everyone that might deserve to know the truth first.

"...No," Janna finally replied. "I'll look Kahlee up when I have the chance and tell her what happened. If there's one person he'd want me to tell, it's her."

He nodded, pleased that she'd acquiesced to that, and grabbed the wheelchair's handles again to push Shepard over to the elevator. "I'm assuming you at least got to avenge Anderson afterward, since you're still breathing," Garrus muttered as he stepped aside to hit the pad and call the lift down. "Did the Illusive Man lose control over you in the end?"

"More like he got control of himself back for a moment. He blew his own brains out."

His mandibles twitch upward briefly as he realized what that implied. "You talked him into it, didn't you? Saren all over again like you said?"

"It wasn't quite that straightforward, but… yeah, I guess I kind of did in the end."

"So that's two for two with you talking indoctrinated enemies into offing themselves. I swear, your tongue's always been your deadliest weapon."

"Well, you would know."

Garrus heard rather than saw her coy smile, but a witty retort died on his tongue as he turned to look at her and saw something like regret replacing it. The elevator doors opened even as he considered questioning her reaction, as well as others that he'd caught earlier. Given that it could possibly be a long and uncomfortable conversation, he quickly decided that it could wait until later.

After all, he had a pretty good idea of what Shepard wanted to talk to Joker about. It seemed likely that she'd be emotionally drained afterward.

The elevator ride was quick as ever, and when the doors opened they revealed a deserted CIC. Blank, unmanned terminals ringed the room with not a soul in sight, although the holographic map of the galaxy was still active, humming and spinning in the center. With so many of the screens in the CIC inactive, the place looked a great deal darker than it usually was.

However, there was light enough for them both to catch sight of the figure already coming down the hallway from the cockpit.

Joker's limping gait meant that he couldn't rush Shepard the way that Tali had, remaining instead at the top of the short flight of stairs to the CIC floor. With a steadying hand on the headrest of one of the nearby seats, the helmsman nodded at Shepard, wearing a semblance of his old cocky grin while clearly fighting back tears. "Commander. Saw you coming in on the bay's video feed. I figured our usual cockpit chat wasn't going to happen."

"Doubt it. Stairs are going to be a chore in this thing." Shepard patted the chair's right wheel, a frown flickering across her face. "Sorry about this, Joker, but you'll probably have to drag yourself out of that seat of yours for our talks now."

"What, getting a ramp installed is out of the question?" Joker shook his head and gave a quick laugh even as his lips started to tremble. "Fine, might as well get some physical therapy in. Worth it since we still… we still get to…"

He choked up and wiped at his watering eyes, the humor in them gone now. "Dammit. Sorry, Commander. Not trying to make our reunion all depressing, but… I turned this ship around when you were still aboard the Citadel. Didn't even try to fly in there and find you. If we'd never seen you again, I'd spend the rest of my life wondering if that was on me. I can't explain how it feels right now, seeing you alive and knowing that's not going to be the case."

"I was told that Alenko ordered you to get us out of there, Joker," Garrus cut in, stepping around the wheelchair to stand next to Janna. "The Citadel apparently looked like it was going to blow any second. I didn't see it myself, but I believe them. It would have been dangerous to stay, especially considering the havoc that the pulse from the Crucible wreaked."

Shepard reached over to give his hand a grateful squeeze. "Aside from all that, it wouldn't have changed anything if you'd tried to come for me. You got my crew out of there. You protected them for me. That was your job, and you got it done. I'm proud of you."

"God," Joker muttered. His hand slid off the headrest, and he sat down hard at the top of the stairs, his face in his hands. "I didn't even know how much I needed to hear that from you. If I'd never gotten to… If you'd died…"

"I didn't. Let's not mull on it." Shepard let out a long sigh. "Joker, listen. It's great to see you, and there's a lot that I need to explain, but before I say anything else… I'm sorry for what the war cost you."

Joker's shoulders hunched as he seemed to shrink into himself, peering at Shepard through his fingers with empty eyes. "You already heard about EDI, then."

The look that came over Janna's face then was one Garrus knew well from their many battles together- she was gearing herself up for an imminent and difficult conflict. In a low voice, she clarified, "I didn't need to hear it. The day the war ended, I knew what winning it would take from the galaxy. From you."

There was silence for a moment as Joker slowly lowered his hands, staring at his commander in confusion. "What do you mean? How…?"

Shepard just shook her head. "Before I say anything else, are we going to be disturbed here? Did the whole crew leave the ship or something?"

"Yeah, I thought Alenko said some of them would be staying here while the situation developed?" Garrus cut in. "What changed?"

"The Alliance asked everyone to disembark," Joker muttered, still watching Shepard warily. "They've got a place set up on the Citadel for returning folks to get processed and start looking for any friends or family they've got left. They'll all probably be gone for a while."

His voice grew hollow as he continued, "Not like I had anyone else left to look up, so I stayed here. Insisted on it, and Kaiden backed me up. I wanted to find out as soon as possible if you were still with us, Commander. It's nice to see that I haven't lost everyone."

Garrus had never been the best of friends with their helmsman- the guy injected humor into literally everything and occasionally had too much fun at the expense of others- but even he felt a surge of sympathy for the human. He remembered a bad day, earlier in the war, when Shepard had come back from a visit to Thane at Huerta Memorial. The look on her face had prompted him to immediately ask what was wrong, and she'd told him the story of a traumatized asari commando that she'd overheard.

Only after some gentle reassurance from him had Janna steeled herself and gone to Joker, sharing what she'd realized after putting two and two together- Joker's sister Hillary was gone, yet another victim of the Reapers.

Shepard hesitated, seemingly collecting herself as she gazed at her longtime friend. "Joker… no one should have to go through what you have. Part of that's on me, and so I need you to hear what I have to say before anyone else does." She turned then to Garrus, looking up at him with a sorrowful expression. "I need you both to understand what I did to stop the Reapers, and… and what I could have done instead."

Her tone prompted Garrus to place a hand on her shoulder, squeezing gently in a gesture of support. "Let's hear it, Shepard."

Joker just nodded slowly, looking equally concerned and curious after hearing Janna's ominous words. Their mutual affirmation prompted Janna to take a deep breath and start speaking, slowly and carefully. Her eyes grew distant, staring through Joker as she began her story, and once she got going it all came pouring out. Shepard left out the details of Anderson's demise this time to spare Joker that knowledge, but other than that, her entire ordeal from her ascent up the beam in London to the firing of the Crucible was laid out before them.

Before she was halfway done, Garrus' head was spinning. It was a tale of an artificial intelligence of unfathomable age, of a Catalyst that was the source of the Reapers instead of the key to beating them. The Leviathans' folly had seen untold trillions murdered across the ages, all because an advanced program had decided that cyclical galactic genocide was an efficient solution to conflict between organics and synthetics.

And then the damn thing had declared that it had been wrong all along and told Shepard to choose the fate of the entire galaxy, just like that.

Janna finished her story with a run-down of the three choices she'd been presented with, ending on the one she'd opted for- blowing the power conduit to the Crucible and setting off the device, putting an end to the Reapers along with all other synthetic life. Her voice trailed off at that point, eyes distant as she no doubt relived those final moments of the war in vivid detail.

Garrus' hands hung limply at his sides, and though he wanted to reach out to Janna once more he found himself frozen instead, staring at her as his mind raced. He couldn't reasonably put himself in Shepard's shoes in that singular moment, trying to decide the way forward for the entire galaxy. The massive choices she'd been faced with, right after enduring hell and with a hopeless war still raging around her, were too much to expect any one person to shoulder.

And yet she'd chosen anyway, gambling on a future without Reapers or geth or EDI being better than one with the Reapers under control or existing side by side with a galaxy of synthetic hybrids. It slowly dawned on Garrus, the full knowledge of what his girlfriend had done and how huge the impact of her choice had been on the potential future of the galaxy.

The small, cold and logical voice in the back of his head noted that though he recognized the other two choices would've meant her certain death, he couldn't consciously bring himself to think they'd been completely and utterly out of the question. Not with all the possibility they might have held for everyone except Shepard and himself.

He stamped down on that line of thought hard even as Joker leaned forward, staring at Shepard and trying to form words. "So… you went ahead and killed them all. Just went straight to destroying all the Reapers, no matter what we'd lose as well?"

Joker's voice brought Shepard's focus back to him, and her eyes grew somber as she nodded. "Like I said earlier, I knew what the cost would be, and I went through with it anyway. It all had to end there."

"Ok, just…" Joker held his head in his hands for a moment, breathing hard and visibly trying to control himself. "Look, Commander, I have always trusted you, no matter what mess you've ordered us into. I was to trust you when you say that you made the right choice. But I need you to help me understand why those other two options were off the table. I mean…" He gestured vaguely at Shepard. "You said you were sure at the time that destroying that power conduit was a one-way ticket for you, just like the other choices would have been?"

"My survival wasn't a factor in the decision. As far as I knew, I was dead no matter what." Shepard's blunt reply nearly made Garrus wince. His girlfriend being resigned to her death was an alien concept- she'd never given up before, not once. What she must have been feeling at the time, finally believing herself to be at the end of the line, he didn't want to imagine.

"Alright, so if that's the case, then… then what was wrong with taking control of the Reapers? I mean, you would've still been around in some way, right? And they could've been used to rebuild the galaxy? That's what you said this Catalyst thing implied."

"Joker, look-"

"Don't tell me this was about proving the Illusive Man wrong," Joker muttered, sounding bitter to the extreme. "All that shit he spewed during the war, don't tell me it was about doing the opposite of what he would've. EDI's life wasn't worth-"

"Moreau." The anger in Shepard's snarl caught Garrus off guard and shut Joker up immediately. Their helmsman leaned away from Janna as she took a breath to calm herself down. "Don't ever say that again. You know me better than that."

There was silence in the CIC for a moment before Joker's red-tinged gaze lowered to the floor. "Sorry. Just… please, tell me why EDI had to die."

"I wish it hadn't come to that. But the long and short of it is that I couldn't trust the Catalyst when it claimed that I could bring peace by controlling the Reapers. That thing believed that people were simple and incapable of change, that they would inevitably destroy themselves by building hostile synthetic life. It never gave anyone a chance to do better, it just wiped out the galaxy over and over."

Janna shook her head in disgust. "That AI had a warped view of what people are like, and it claimed that I would 'lose my connection to my kind', but my thoughts and memories would endure. For all I know, I would've become some emotionless, callous overlord with a faint echo of Janna Shepard lingering, and the Catalyst would've seen nothing wrong with that. What odds would you give someone's mind making it through death intact? All on the promise of an ancient failed peacekeeping program?"

"Ok, ok. I get that. That part does sound more far-fetched anyway you look at it, but… the synthesis deal it offered instead." Joker stared at Shepard with an almost pleading look in his eyes. "Commander, it sounds like that would've fixed everything. The things it might've changed for the better-"

"And what might it have taken away, Jeff?" Shepard cut him off, her voice quiet and subdued now. "What guarantee was there that altering everyone in the galaxy in such a fundamental way would end well? Hell, the Catalyst admitted that the Reapers had tried synthesis before. It didn't work then, but it was supposed to just magically work now?"

Garrus jumped in at that point, his curiosity piqued by Janna's previous statement. "They tried it before? Did it say exactly what went wrong?"

Shepard turned to meet his gaze, shaking her head slowly. "It just said that synthesis failed because people weren't ready. The Catalyst said that it couldn't be forced onto organics- and that's exactly what I'd have been doing if I'd gone through with that option. It couldn't understand that. I think it saw me as some kind of representative of the galaxy as a whole, just because I was the first one to make it that far against the Reapers. It believed that I had the right to make the choice for everyone."

"And you didn't agree." It all clicked in Garrus' mind, then, exactly how Shepard had come to her final decision that fateful day.

"I didn't," she quietly affirmed. "I don't care what I went through to end the war. I don't care if the galaxy sees me as some almighty hero. There was no way I was going to force a change with so many unknowns like that on everyone."

"You could've," Joker murmured, prompting both of them to turn towards the helmsman. The semi-plea was gone from his face; only the bare pain of his loss showed there now. "Maybe that synthesis choice was a risk, but it really sounds like it could have been worth it. You did have the right, Commander; if anyone were to make that call on their own, it should have been you. If you were certain that there was no way out of there, how could you not even consider it…?"

Shepard just shook her head. "Destroying the Reapers was the way forward with the fewest variables. I wasn't going to gamble everything we all fought for on the guesswork of a genocidal AI. Controlling the Reapers might have made me just like that thing. Forcing synthesis onto everyone would have."

"I don't think I believe that."

There was no venom in Joker's words, no real condemnation of Shepard, yet Garrus saw from the look on Janna's face that his flat disagreement hurt her more than anything else might have. She sat back in her wheelchair, seeming to struggle for her next words before finally murmuring, "I'm not telling you this so we can debate what's already done, Jeff. I'm telling you so there won't be any secrets between us while we're flying together. I'm still going to need a helmsman in the days ahead."

Her expression grew just a little apprehensive as she softly continued, "Unless you need an absence of leave, some time away from the ship and to yourself. I won't stop you."

Joker was quiet for a long moment, still staring at Janna with that loss-ridden gaze. When he finally spoke, his voice was soft and hollow. "This ship's my home. I'm not going anywhere."

He stood then, moving slowly on account of his brittle limbs but standing straight all the same. "But I do need some time to myself, Commander." The helmsman turned his back on Shepard and limped back down the hallway to the cockpit. Janna watched him go, motionless in her wheelchair, and Garrus waited to break the silence until Joker was back at the front of the ship, lowering himself into his seat.

"Whatever happens, you did the right thing, telling him now," he murmured. "He'll have time to process it and grieve again before everyone else finds out what happened."

Shepard slowly turned towards him, and the look in her eyes made his heart wrench. She seemed all too aware that her friendship with Joker might be irrevocably strained, but she made no comment of her own about it. She simply whispered, "I'd like to see my cabin now, please."

She was clearly done with people for the time being, and he couldn't blame her.


When the door slid open to reveal the interior of the captain's cabin, Garrus heard what sounded like a pent-up breath escaping Janna. "You ok?" he asked her.

"Just good to be home," she replied. Her eyes roved around the room as Garrus pushed her inside, and a faint smile played across her lips as she saw the fish and hamster tanks, their respective inhabitants swimming and scurrying about. "Thanks for keeping my pets alive, big guy."

"Didn't have much else to do. The rodent's good company- even if he does run on his wheel whenever someone's sleeping in here."

Shepard laughed softly at that. "Agreed." Her mirth quickly faded when she got a second glance at the fish tank; it took Garrus a moment to realize that it was her reflection in the glass she was staring at.

Before he could say anything, Shepard spoke up again, the humor gone from her voice. "I think we can leave this thing by the door."

Garrus glanced at her, faintly alarmed. "You know, it might help to have it on hand if you need to-"

"I am not getting wheeled around my own room, Vakarian," Janna growled. She pushed off the wheelchair's arm and forced herself upright, taking one hopping step over to the railing of the stairs and steadying herself on it with her remaining hand. Now greatly concerned, Garrus quickly discarded the wheelchair by the door as she'd suggested and moved to grab her shoulders to hold her up, exclaiming, "Shepard, just wait a second!"

As soon as he touched her, Janna quickly turned and shook her head. "Don't. Just don't." The plea in her eyes was enough to make him release her, although Garrus hovered right at her side, ready to catch her if she fell. Taking a deep breath, Janna hopped down the stairs one at a time, reaching the chair that stood next to the coffee table and bracing herself on it. Dangerously wobbly, she took a second to regain control before forcing herself off the chair and making one more hop over to her bed. Shepard turned and collapsed onto the mattress in a single movement, grunting before slowly pushing herself back up into a sitting position.

In other circumstances, the whole scene might have looked comical, but Garrus didn't feel a hint of humor at the sight. Mounting frustration and pain was evident on Shepard's face as she sat on the edge of her bed, staring at the space where her missing leg used to be. Garrus sighed and walked over, taking a knee at her side.

"Shepard, look at me," he instructed. When she didn't respond at first, he gently cupped her chin in one hand and raised her face towards his. "I don't think Chakwas and Michel would be happy to see something like that."

"Do you think anyone will be happy to see this?" Shepard gestured vaguely at her left side as he let his hand fall away. "The great Commander Shepard, a goddamn cripple. I'm going to be honest here- this sucks. A lot."

Garrus nodded in agreement. "Yeah, it does. I think Joker would phrase it as 'sucking major ass'."

After a second, both of them started to chuckle, and Shepard leaned forward to rest her forehead against his. Garrus's subharmonics trilled softly, a tune of comfort among turians as he wrapped an arm around her in a gentle hug. Shepard's eyes closed as she sank into his embrace, and she sounded weary beyond belief as she spoke again. "What am I going to do about him? What am I going to do about anything while I'm like this?"

"For Joker, I don't know. You've always been the people person out of the two of us; you'll figure it out. I do know that he's lost someone dear to him and he may partially blame you, even if everyone- including him- knows that would be irrational. That blame may fade with time."

Shepard groaned in frustration, her forehead sliding off of his and landing on his shoulder as she leaned into him further. Garrus quickly continued, "As for what you should do about the rest, the answer is nothing. This is the time for you to stand down and heal. You've woken up with some tough circumstances to deal with; you have to rest and give Tali and the others a chance to get you back in the game."

"I know that's what you want for me. The others might want their commander back, though."

"They'll get their commander back when she's good and ready. Besides, your crew is more reasonable than that. They'll give you the space you need."

"And how about the rest of the galaxy? Are they going to give me space? You heard Hackett; the Alliance and probably everyone else will want to see Shepard, or at least the hero they've made me out to be. I can't be that for them, not like this."

"Don't be." He felt Janna's head leave his shoulder and he turned to meet her deep blue eyes; even with the shorn hair and scars and drooping eyelid, she was still as beautiful as ever. "I told you earlier, you've done enough. The galaxy can't rely on you alone, or it'll fall apart once you really are gone."

He brushed her cheek with one finger and she shivered at his touch. "Let's just go. Take this ship somewhere far away from everything and look after our own for a while. The galaxy will still be there after we've rested and recovered; you saw to that when you ended the Reapers."

There was silence for a moment before Shepard whispered in a voice etched with worry, "Do you think I made the right call? Ending the war that way?"

He hesitated then, just for a second, but it was enough for Shepard to flinch away. "Garrus, your opinion is the one I value above all others," she muttered, looking miserable. "Just tell it to me straight if you think I should have gotten over myself and tried to control the Reapers or synthesize everyone."

"I can't," he replied. She cocked an eyebrow at him, prompting him to clarify, "I'm biased, Shepard. Since I know that the decision you made is the one that brought you back to me, I can't call the other options viable. Not in good faith."

"You can't imagine what you might say about it if you weren't biased?"

"I'd rather not."

"Please try."

Garrus sighed and looked away, mulling over his words carefully. "I believe," he began, "that even if you were correct about one person not having the right to choose synthesis for the galaxy, a lot of people would have wanted you to go for it anyway. They wouldn't care that the Reapers tried that solution before and failed. And I can understand why. Who knows how much promise that kind of evolution holds?"

"You think I was wrong then?" Shepard queried. The slightest hint of nervous anticipation had slipped into her tone.

"I think that another person, standing where you stood, might have made a different choice," he stated. "But it wasn't someone else, it was you. You stuck to what you believed in- freedom from the Reapers and their cycle- all the way to the end. It'd be stupid to say that was wrong of you."

"Freedom…" Janna murmured. "Like the geth had just regained. Like EDI had just discovered. It feels hypocritical, talking about not having the right to force synthesis onto all races when I chose death for one."

Garrus paused for a moment before asking, "You remember what we talked about, the day that Victus and I decided to pull the turian fleets back at Palaven, holding out for the Crucible?"

"...Ruthless calculus."

"Ruthless calculus," he affirmed. "Putting Alliance ships between Sovereign's geth and the Council. Destroying the Alpha Relay, no matter what it cost the Bahak system. Victory is always going to have a price. I learned that from watching you."

"It's the highest price we've paid so far."

"Hey, EDI and the geth would've known the score better than anyone else. Their lives against a monumental change being forced onto the entire galaxy? One that had already been tried before, and might not have worked this time either? Looking at the numbers alone, the way that they would have, the right choice seems a lot more obvious."

Janna looked down, chewing on her lip, and he could still see doubt in her eyes. "You don't second guess your own decisions," he said softly. "You never have. Why now?"

"Well, it turns out that I actually have to live with the consequences. Like I told Joker, that wasn't a consideration at the time."

Garrus didn't have an immediate reply for that. Letting go of Shepard for the moment, he stood slowly and turned to sit on the bed next to her. Side by side, the two of them sat wordlessly, illuminated by the fish tank's bright blue glow. The cabin had seemed far too empty without Janna, but even with her next to him now, in that moment of dead quiet it still felt cavernous and lonely.

"It still hasn't sunk in, I think," Shepard whispered. "Being alive. Might take some time to get used to the idea."

"Hard to get back on the road after being convinced you were at the end of it?"

"Sounds about right." She shook her head and sighed. "I'm sorry for going on about all of that. My mind's been all over the place. I need… I need some rest. Actual sleep instead of drugs keeping me under."

"Get as much as you need." His mandibles twitching upward just a bit, Garrus asked, "Will you sleep better if I leave you alone, or do you want some company?"

Shepard let out a snort of amusement. "What do you think? Out of the armor, Vakarian."

Garrus shed his armor with practiced efficiency, leaving it in a neat pile near the desk while Shepard managed to loosen her jacket one-handed and tossed it onto the chair near the bed before lying down. He joined her on the bed in his jumpsuit, and Janna immediately curled up against his side the way she'd always preferred, her right arm across his chest and face pressed against the hide of his neck.

Or at least, she tried to. Even as he wrapped an arm around Shepard's shoulders to hold her close, Garrus could feel her squirming around a little. "You alright?"

"Just trying to-" she grunted and turned over partway, "-get used to this. Laying on my side feels weird now."

"If you need me to move…"

"You're fine. Just stay still."

A few moments of further struggling ended with Shepard huffing in annoyance before turning over to lie on her stomach, head turned towards him. Garrus met her gaze and saw how very tired she looked as she muttered, "Something else to figure out, I guess."

"For later. Get some sleep, Shepard. We'll take things one problem at a time." He lifted a hand towards her and she gladly took it in her own, her five fingers tightly intertwined with his three. Garrus still marveled at how warm she was, at how badly he'd missed such a simple sensation. It seemed to do the trick for Shepard as well; she smiled softly and closed her eyes as he ran his thumb along her skin, settling herself in for some shut-eye.

Watching her start to drift off, Garrus finally noticed how exhausted he was as well; all the tension and lack of sleep from the days leading up to now seemed to be crashing over him at once. His eyes grew heavy, and the last thing he remembered was the sound of Shepard's breathing and the weight of the last few months finally falling from his shoulders.


What felt like just a few minutes later, Garrus jolted awake to the sound of Shepard punching the wall with a shout of horror.