Life Without You
Olivia looked at the dashboard clock. 12:43. She took a breath and picked up the red rose beside her. She got out of her car and moved through the grass. She passed a man she saw everyday and smiled at him. He waved and moved to her. "Mrs. Stabler, how are you today?"
"Fine, Mr. Spencer. How are you?"
"Its been 15 years today," he said smiling sadly at her
"She's knows you've been here Shawn."
"Thank you Olivia. Have a great day."
"Thanks."
She moved through the cemetery until she reached one tall headstone under a the largest oak tree. It read:
April 1961- October 2006
Wonderful Father. Wonderful Cop.
The Love of My Life.
He will be missed.
Olivia sniffled as she placed the red rose by his grave. "Hey baby. Im here." She kneeled in front of the grave "We just solved the Miller case that I have been telling you about. Fin collared him and I interrogated. John was working a transfer case in Baltimore at the time, so that is why we worked it. Casey will lock him away. I just know it."
Olivia looked at the sky and saw blue with thin whispering clouds. "Elliot, the sky is blue today. But you probably know that already. I remember you telling me one night in bed that you wanted to take me on a walk in the spring where the sky was blue and the flowers came out. You said you wanted to take me on a horse carriage for Valentine's Day. It was really beautiful, Elliot. Really beautiful."
"I had dinner at Kathy's the other night. Joanna is so beautiful. Bright blonde hair and green eyes. She is the most vibrant baby at 4 months old that I have ever seen. You would have had a laugh watching Dickie tickle her. She has Kathy's smile."
Tears came up in her eyes as she took a breath. She then looked at the gravestone and smiled sadly. "I thought about getting a dog for the apartment, baby. It is just so quiet and lonely now that you are gone. I put long King Size pillows on your side of the bed at night in hopes of maybe feeling you again. But nothing comes close to the way our bodies molded together after we'd make love. Every time with you was like the first time. I remember how your eyes would turn from light to dark almost instantly. I remember our hearts beating in time as you held me to your side. I can remember your taste. I can still feel you close to me. In me. Completing me..."
Her tears were falling as the clouds began to gather. She knew it was going to snow, but she wasn't going to move. She needed to be there. She needed him.
"On the way here, our song came on the radio. You know, Mystery by Live. It was the whole song, baby. I remember the way you held me at Disneyland when we walked through Fantasy Land. Only you would fall into my romantic behavior in that theme park. I remember when we were walking and you began to sing me the lyrics to that song in front of the castle. And I remember you and I both crying when that one couple said they wanted to be like us when they got married. It was wonderful just being with you. You baby. You..."
She sat there and cried. She didn't mean to cry for so long, but she sobbed. "Im sorry, Elliot. Im sorry that you and I never got to run away together for an abrupt vacation. Im sorry that you never got to see your kids get married. Im sorry we never got the opportunity to wake up fifty years after we got married and find ourselves still hopelessly in love..."
She cried and touched his grave and said, "Im sorry I never got to tell you that I was pregnant with your son." It was then that she rubbed her cold hands on her pregnant stomach. "Im five months along all ready, baby. The doctor told me that this little boy is so strong. I heard its heart beat. It's all Stabler." She smiled at the thought and rubbed her hands over the stomach. "I don't know what I am going to tell him, El. What can I say? Besides the fact that I am completely in love with you but you are away in heaven watching over us? It isn't fair that God took you away from me. I love you so much. You are such a big part of me. You completed me. Im still hopelessly in love with you."
She put her head in her hands and cried. She then felt a comforting hand on her shoulder. She reached to grab hold of it, but there was nothing but air.
Nothing.
Olivia looked around her looking for any sign of life. Anything that would have grabbed her shoulder, but there was no one. She put her head in her hands and cried. Cried for her lover. Cried for her baby. Cried for her broken heart.
She then felt her baby move in her stomach. "Hi baby," she whispered to her stomach. "I promise that Im going to love you with all of my heart. You will never end up alone. Your father would have fallen in love with you, my son. I wonder if you will have his vibrant blue eyes. Or his dark hair. Or his defined chin. Maybe even his nose. I can't wait to meet you. I'll make sure we have a dog before you are born."
She loved the way their baby move within her. It would kick her ribs and she would think, This is SO Elliot's child. She leaned her head down and kissed her bump, hoping that their son in some way felt her. "I love you, baby. Your father would have loved you too. I promise you that I will be there for you for whatever you need."
She focused her attention back to the grave and sat in silence. In a tragic way, she was with her family. Her son and her husband. Just then, the wind blew in her hair. She felt his presence. He was with her. In her mind. In her body. In her heart. She then felt a pair of arms wrap around her shoulders. "Elliot?..."
"Im sorry Livia, its me."
"Maureen, hey baby," she said wiping away her tears. "How long have you been here?"
"Long enough," she said looking at her sadly. "Livia, the doctor said no stress."
"Visiting your father is not stress Maureen. He was my world. Im still in love with him. I don't think I ever won't be."
Maureen looked at the woman she idolized sadly. This woman, who in her life has seen her as the peak of woman perfection, was completely broken in front of her. There was nothing that would heal that hurt. But Maureen remembered the doctorÕs warning. She needed to stay objective.
"Livia, I want you to do me a favor."
Olivia looked at her with a questioning stare.
"I want you to go rest. Ask Uncle Don for a couple days off and take a trip down to the beach or something. You shouldn't just stay here. Your baby needs you to stay strong and healthy. My little brother needs you."
They were both crying by this point. Olivia gathered her step daughter in her arms and cried. "You think he can see us down here Maureen? Do you think he's disappointed in me?"
"Not at all, Livia. Not at all. I know he can see us. I remember him telling me how much he loved you one night when you took the twins for ice cream. I had never seen him so in love or happy before. I think he would want you and my brother to be happy too."
"I won't ever fall in love again, Maureen," Olivia said with a determined look on her face. "No one could make me love them like your father."
"I would never expect you to do so, Livia." Maureen said pulling her into another hug.
"Would you do me a favor, Maureen?" Olivia asked holding onto her.
"Sure," Maureen said wanting to soothe her.
"Will you be in the delivery room for me, when your brother is born?"
Maureen froze as she felt tears stream down her face. She replied, with tears evident in her voice, "Of course, Livia. I'd be honored if I was there. Thank you for asking me."
Both women were crying as they sat talking at Elliot's grave. Then a snowflake fell from the sky and landed in Olivia's hair. "Uh oh," Maureen said looking up at the sky. "We should leave."
"You go on ahead, Maureen. I want to be here a little while longer."
"Livia..."
"I'll only be here a couple minutes. You can call me in ten to make sure that Im not still here."
Maureen gave in and smiled sadly. "Okay. Bye Daddy. I love you. Love you Livia. I'll call you."
Olivia chuckled and smiled. "I love you too, kid. Now get outta her."
Olivia watched her walk away and wrapped her arms around her baby. "I guess I should go now, El." A tear dripped from her eyes and she moved her hands over his grave and touched the ground that now freshly fallen snow had covered. She placed her hand to her lips and placed it on his name. "I'll be on tomorrow, baby. I love you, El, forever."
