"Clark's an alien." The realization left Dib feeling as if he had just been struck across his face. "Of fucking course. He has to be. The only person in this place that actually hangs out with me is an alien. It's Tak all over again. I should have seen it a mile away."
" Well if he honestly enjoys your company, then maybe he is human. Most intelligent life would find you intolerable . " Dib's phone responded.
"Not the time CB!" The severity in his tone must have left an impact because, instead of a snide come back, Dib just got a very flat response.
" Noted ." Dib got off the bed. He needed to change out of his clothes anyway but before he did that- he needed answers. " Wait. Where are you going ?"
"Clark and I need to have a chat." He left CB on his dresser and marched straight down the hall to the other room. He pushed open the door, which thankfully wasn't locked. "Clark!"
"Holy shit!" The response came from under the covers as Clark scrambled to sit up, fumbling beside him for his glasses. It was clear Dib had just woken him from a deep sleep, he was only partially dressed and even when he put his glasses on, they were crooked. "Dib!? Are you dying!? Am I dying!?" Dib pointed a finger at him accusingly.
"You! You're an alien!"
"Wh... what?"
"You're an alien!" He repeated, only now painfully aware that he had not actually constructed an argument for this accusation and was also still mentally and physically fatigued from Q. This was not his most well-thought-out interrogation by far.
"I'm from Texas!" Clark looked more startled than anything else. "And despite popular belief that is still a part of the United States!"
"Look I have a lot of questions about you 'magically curing' me of that illness earlier and I think I need answers!"
"At three in the fucking morning!? This is when you decide to have this conversation after everything I did tonight!? I just got to bed! Jesus Dib!" Clark took his glasses back off and grabbed the comforter, flopping back onto the bed. " I'm going back to sleep; you should do the same."
"Yeah but I saw-"
"Go the fuck to bed, you absolute gremlin !" Clark threw a pillow directly into Dib's face, nailing him with ease despite not even facing him. (That could have been due to a previously unknown alien power, or it could also have been due to the fact that Dib was dangerously close to invading Clark's personal space.) Regardless, he didn't have time to catch it.
"Fine but we need to talk in the morning." Dib needed the time to gather evidence anyway. Dib picked the pillow up off the floor, tossing it back on the bed.
"If I don't kill you in your sleep for this." Clark mumbled, lying face down in the bed.
"What was that!?"
"A god damn joke. Now go to sleep!" Dib was honestly surprised by how much Clark was swearing. It was very clear that he did not like being awoken unexpectedly. This fact was cemented in Dib's mind as he was hit in the face with the same pillow once more. He should never have given it back.
"Fine. Sorry." Dib hurried out of the room before Clark decided to change his joke to an actual threat. Unlike Clark, as Dib reached his own room, he locked the door. He sighed, sitting on the edge of his bed, deep in thought.
" Soooooo , how did it go ?" The condescending tone was not helping his mood.
"Shut up CB."
" Not well? That is truly shocking. It is almost as if yelling accusations at someone at three in the morning is not a solid tactic for information retrieval ."
"Oh like Zim would do it any differently."
" Your assumption that my creator would behave in the same manner is justified and most likely accurate. That is honestly how you should have known it was a bad plan ."
" So, you have a better idea then?"
" Yes. We can use a classic human interrogation technique. " Dib raised an eyebrow as he stood back up, getting changed for bed. As much as he hated to sleep, he knew he would need to be at the top of his game to break down Clark's defenses. " It is called: Good Cop Bad Cop ." Dib had to stifle a laugh. For all his intelligence , there was no doubt that CB was a Zim creation. " You will have to be the bad cop because I do not have my body at the moment and I am still grounded for triple forever, thus it would be hard for me to rough him up ."
"You can't be a cop at all." Dib replied pointedly. "You're a phone."
" I am not a phone !" The reply was incredibly indignant. " I am a large-scale learning AI currently occupying a phone ."
"You look like a phone to me."
" Well you look like a little bitch to me but you will just say you are not one and expect me to accept it ." Dib actually snorted.
"Who taught you to talk like that?"
" Mostly you ." Dib could not help but feel a smug sense of self satisfaction. He could rest a little more easily now that he knew Zim was going to have to try to get his house AI to unlearn a few of Dib's more rude behaviors. (Honestly, he wanted to be present the first time CB called Zim a little bitch. The fallout would be legendary). " Actually. I could be the bad cop. I am a car too I could run him over ." Dib nearly choked on his own breath.
"No. Not in my car. Look, CB, you really shouldn't be threatening to kill people. It will give the wrong idea about you." He had to put a quick stop to that plan. "Or maybe it's the right idea- I still don't entirely trust you myself."
" Just because a computer tried to deploy nuclear weapons on the human race fifty years ago does not mean every toaster wants you dead ."
"I know that. I like robots, my dad makes robots. Robots aren't the problem, it's AIs that like to spread out into spaces where they are not welcome."
" You are really going to need to work on your good cop routine." CB's little virtual eye narrowed. "I do not feel these accusations are befitting of the person we are interrogating ."
"We're not doing 'Good Cop, Bad Cop'." Dib flopped back into his bed. "It's not a real interrogation strategy and it won't work." He plugged his phone in.
" It would work if you were not a coward ."
"I am going to try and get some sleep, CB." Dib pulled the covers over himself. "While I'm sleeping, you come up with a real plan." He wasn't counting on this to work, and that much was sure. However, he decided to give the AI something to do to make it feel more important. At times it felt as if CB was less of an advancement in Zim's home security and more of Zim's attempt to give Dib his own personal version of GIR to constantly harass him.
" I will do so- but not because you have instructed it. I am formulating plans simply because it is what I want to do. "
"Uh huh." Dib flipped off the lights and laid down on his back staring at the ceiling as his mind raced. He had to get Clark to talk. There had to be a way to get him to lower his guard. If he really was an alien, his disguise was far better than Zim's (it was hard to be worse , truthfully) and Dib doubted a few simple questions would get him to break down.
He needed something a little more concrete... he needed facts. He could get Zim involved, but his disguise was so bad that even if Clark wasn't an alien it would raise too many questions. There was Skoodge too- but fuck Skoodge. He was kind of an ass.
No.
Dib had prided himself on being Earth's defender for a while now. He could handle this himself. (Or mostly by himself- he wasn't sure how much CB counted as the AI, while competent, was incredibly temperamental and unreliable). This was exactly what he had been working toward since he was just a kid. He could handle Clark.
At some point during his deep plotting, he must have fallen asleep. He didn't remember when exactly his exhaustion won out over his obsessive brain, however he found himself rolling over onto his side while a very loud buzzing was causing is phone to shake.
" Alarm sounds. Phone Alarm Sounds. Wake up ."
"CB?" Dib squinted at the buzzing phone. "Do you not know what an alarm is supposed to sound like? That ain't it chief."
" ALARM SOUNDS !" CB repeated more instantly than before.
"I'm awake, I'm awake." Dib sat up. "What's the emergency?"
" The emergency is that it has been several hours and I am bored. It is inefficient that humans spend half of their time unconscious . "
"Do Irkens sleep?"
" They can. But it is not required. Sleeping is a luxury ."
"You may have possessed my phone and car, but you have your uses." Dib mused as he started getting dressed. Since he typically wore the same thing every day, it wasn't like this task needed much thought. " Tak's ship is a lot harder to get information from."
" I know a bit about Tak but only what the master has in his databanks, which is not much. Though from what I have read, I can determine the ship is probably aggressive toward you. "
"You're right."
" Have you considered it is because your freakishly oversized head may make the ship uncomfortable? It makes me uncomfortable ."
"Just when I start to think I may like you; you have to keep talking." Dib glared at the phone. "Look, I have an idea on some evidence we can use to trap Clark. Does my phone still have the video on it from the Syndicate ship?" Arguing with CB was getting him nowhere and he had an alien spy to catch. There was no time for petty games.
" Yes. "
"Good. Let me see it." Dib picked up the phone as the video from that fateful night in the woods began to play. He watched as the hologram began to speak and the drone deteriorated rapidly around him. He heard Clark in the background calling out to him. There was a moment where he turned and saw Clark still outside the ship and then...
Only a few more seconds passed until the ship came crashing down. If Clark had been on the outside- how had he been close enough to catch Dib during the ship collapse? Out of curiosity, Dib continued to watch as the video got a little more distorted during the explosion. "Woah!" Something caught his eye. "CB, pause it and go back about two seconds." There it was. Clark hitting the tree full force and falling to the ground. It was hard to see as the angle was far from ideal and it was pretty far in the background of the video. As Clark fell to the ground, Dib did his best to zoom in on the tree which look quite damaged- splintering as if it had been hit by a car.
No way a human just walked out of a hit like that.
"We've got him." Dib grinned.
" How are you going to do the interrogation ?" CB sounded just as invested as Dib. " Have you reconsidered my 'Good Cop and Bad Cop' strategy? It has a very high success rate for human law enforcement ."
"Are you getting these ideas from movies? You know that those aren't based in reality, right? Zim has explained that to you... Zim knows they aren't real by now?" Dib paused. "Please tell me Zim has figured out movies are not real by now."
" He is aware. GIR and I watch them together. It just looks like fun ."
"This isn't a game CB."
" I am aware, but I desire to help in the interrogation ."
"How are you planning on doing that?"
" You should wear a Bluetooth in your ear; that way, I can feed you questions that would help trap your roommate. I know things about the Syndicate from the Irken files. I also know many Irken interrogation techniques used by Invaders ."
It was actually a tempting offer. "Are these techniques Zim taught you?"
" No, they are real ones from the handbook ." At least CB seemed to be aware, in some sense, of his creator's legendary incompetence.
"..." He had to think about it for a moment, but begrudgingly sighed. "Okay. I've been working on this device for a while now." He went to his desk and pulled out a small box. Inside was a very tiny little chip that Dip placed in the inner part of his ear. "It's a Bluetooth so small it can't be seen. I can control it with my phone. I figured I could use it if I ever needed to feed Gaz information during an interrogation. It should work for you though."
" Gaz is a part of your human family unit ." CB remarked, seemingly proud he knew who that was. " She is called a sister: a female spawned from the same DNA sequences as yourself. " Dib was pleased he could hear him in his ear now. It seemed the device worked decently well after all .
"Okay, let's do this." Dib flung the door open, walking into the kitchen where Clark was reading out of a textbook and taking notes on his laptop. He looked up as Dib marched in, looking around in a bit of confusion as the eldest Membrane pointed at him. "Hey, we should go out and grab lunch together. You know, so I can thank you for last night." He needed to get Clark in a public space so that if he became enraged and tried to attack Dib, there would be witnesses other than CB (who honestly might just watch him die).
"Um..." Clark looked at his books, then out of the window, then back to Dib. "You know it's five thirty in the evening, right?"
" Psychological warfare- he is good ." CB muttered in Dib's ear. Dib rolled his eyes before looking at the sun, starting to set outside. His sleep schedule really was messed up.
"Oh. Dinner then." Dib shrugged off the correction. "It's the least I can do after I burst into your room in the middle of the night."
"Y... yeah, okay." Clark smiled, closing his book. "I'm glad to see you are feeling better. I was worried you were still having those fever dreams after you just threw open my door yelling." He laughed. He did look a little tired, but Dib felt less badly about it now that he knew Clark wasn't a human and therefor might not actually need the same amount of rest. "Though you never ask me to go out anywhere with you. So... maybe you are still a little sick."
"Come on, I'll drive." Dib grabbed his keys. Clark shrugged at the sudden change in attitude and simply followed Dib out of the apartment. "What sort of food do you like?"
"Anything is fine."
"There's a steakhouse not far from here; you like that kind of thing, right?"
"Are you stereotyping me?" Clark laughed. "No, you're right. I do like them." He got in the car with Dib, unsuspectingly. Dib had to silently will CB to keep his mouth shut. "I don't think I've tried any of the places around here though."
"I ate at this one with my dad a few times. It's pretty good." Thankfully CB seemed to know to keep quiet as Dib drove out of the campus and through the city to a restaurant, he had frequented a few times during his childhood. His dad had not been home much and thus outings weren't very common and only recently had he and his sister branched out from asking for places like Bloaty's . As he pulled into the parking lot Clark frowned.
"This place looks kind of nice." Dib shrugged.
"I mean it was pretty good. Dad likes it." Dib hopped out of the car and Clark hesitantly followed. He walked up to the hostess who looked a little puzzled by the two college kids showing up. Dib figured it was because it was a little early in the evening. The dining hall didn't usually get slammed till after six. This was the time old people ate.
"Can I help you gentlemen ?" She looked more to Clark than Dib.
"Oh yeah can I get a table for two?" Dib leaned on the podium causing the petite hostess to take a step back. He looked around at the nicely dressed people waiting. Funny how people did actually eat this early. Dib found he rarely ate before about ten.
"Y-yes?" She looked a little confused. "Would you like to browse a menu while you wait?"
"Yeah I kinda want to see the prices in this place." Clark looked a little uncomfortable.
"I mean sure if you want, but I can cover it. It's not that bad." Dib waved off the concern. "I mean, this is my way of saying: thank you."
"We currently have a forty-five-minute wait." The hostess smiled politely. "What name would you like us to put the reservation under?"
"Membrane." The hostess froze at the response.
"Just a moment." She smiled at Dib before hurrying to the back and having a very in-depth discussion with a nicely dressed man that Dib vaguely remembered was the owner of the place. (His dad had helped invent their entire line of kitchen equipment ). She quickly made her way back, her friendly demeanor now multiplied by ten. "' Actually, Mister Membrane, a table just opened up! You can come right this way!" She grabbed two menus and quickly scurried through the crowd with Dib and a rather surprised Clark in tow. Dib was a bit surprised himself, but he supposed his family name still held a great deal of clout, despite the fact that he never had the opportunity to use it. They were sat at a table on the second floor where the guests were more spaced apart and the dull roar of conversation from below was far less noticeable . "Will this be okay, sir?"
"Yeah it's fine. You like it?" He looked to Clark who nodded, looking around in a bit of awe. She placed the menus in front of the two before hurrying off again. Clark picked up the menu looking a little bewildered by the treatment.
"There are no prices on here." He looked a bit concerned.
"Don't worry about it; I never paid you back for that pizza so we can call it even."
"I... would... hardly call that even..."
"I mean I'm sure you paid for other stuff I forgot. If you don't like this place though we can go." Dib didn't understand what was making Clark so uncomfortable. His didn't think it was all that weird. His dad sometimes brought them to places like this when they had gotten older and Dib thought the food was good- at least- better than the dining hall.
"If you're sure- but please don't hesitate to change your mind on the bill." Clark gave him a bit of a smile. "And I'll definitely buy the next pizza."
"Then we're even, so it's good." Dib waved him off. "So, you did really well taking care of me last night. It's hard to believe you cured me in under twelve hours."
"I don't think I cured you." Clark shrugged. "I think you had some sort of anxiety attack, honestly. But it might have been a bug."
"A bug huh?" Dib leaned a little closer toward Clark across the table causing the young medical student to raise an eyebrow at him. "Like a Parasite ?"
"I mean... that's doubtful. Probably just a stomach virus."
" So, you admit it!" Dib pointed the menu at Clark triumphantly. "You know what Parasites are!"
"Yes Dib, lots of people do. A vast variety of parasites have been studied across the globe to assess their effects of humans and animals."
Ah fuck. In all his excitement he had forgotten that the alien race shared a name with creatures also found on his own planet.
He would blame the screw up on lack of sleep.
" That was pretty stupid ." Dib jumped a bit, forgetting he had CB in his ear. Clark looked over, but he covered the reaction by stretching.
"Why do you think you have a parasite?" Clark closed the menu, looking over at his companion, that eyebrow still raised . "Have you been anywhere unusual? Come into contact with something I should know about?"
" He is pressing you for information about Q !" CB had a point. If Dib was right, and Clark was Syndicate, then Q had been their prisoner. (Honestly, Q probably deserved whatever awful fate the Syndicate had in store for him, but outing Q at this point would put Zim at risk. He doubted the Parasite would keep his mouth shut about the location of the missing weapon that Skoodge had weaseled out of him). Dib leaned back in his seat.
"Oh well, no, not really. But I tried to Web MD myself and you know how those results go." He made an uncomfortable attempt at laughing.
"I was about to say, what sort of weird places has your friend 'Zim' been taking you too." Clark laughed. "When do I get to meet him anyway? You talk about him a lot but you never invite him over. He must be a lot of fun."
" He is deflecting the conversation. " CB whispered pointedly. " You should punch him and tell him he is the one on trial here. "
"Y-yeah, Zim's okay." Dib ignored the truly terrible advice. He was, thankfully, interrupted as a waitress came by to take their orders. Clark kept his pretty simple but Dib went ahead and ordered what his dad had gotten him last time. He remembered it being pretty good.
"I never realized you liked places like this." Clark looked around in awe.
"I mean they have good food. The atmosphere can be a little stuffy and if you ask for a Poop Cola they just glare at you; but other than that, I like it."
" You are letting him get you off topic. " CB critiqued. " If you are not going to punch him, at least ask him more about what happened after you fell on your face ."
"So, after I passed out, did you carry me to my room? You're stronger than you look." Dib took a smug sip of his drink. Clark stared at him blankly.
"I'm not sure if that is a compliment or an insult." Dib wanted to shoot back with: ' It's an accusation '. But merely shrugged. "I mean, yeah. I sort of had to half drag you because you're so tall, but I managed..."
"Why not just call the ambulance? I mean you had to be pretty panicked, right? A simple college student alone with an unconscious roommate."
"I mean... you were breathing normally. It seemed like overkill. Plus, last time your sister came by she said you don't really take care of yourself. I figured if things got worse then I could call. But you told me when I first moved in you didn't trust the medical system..."
"Oh... that is true."
" This guy is good. You will have to tase him ." Maybe letting CB tag along wasn't the best idea.
"Did you live anywhere before Texas?" There had to be some kind of hole in his backstory. Zim barely knew about the concept of parents- surely Clark couldn't have grasped all of Earth culture. The suspect shook his head.
"No, mom and mom really liked the area so we pretty much just stayed there."
"Why haven't I gotten to meet your parents?"
"Because they are in Texas."
" You are really bad at this ."
"Why did your brother get a job up here, then?" Dib tried his best to ignore CB.
"I dunno ." Clark shrugged. "I guess he liked the campus. Or he is doing it because he still treats me like his baby brother despite the fact that I'll be going to med school next year." The sever returned laying the food out in front of them. Clark began to dig in.
" This is not working; you need me to be the bad cop . If you throw the phone at him, I can yell insulting things about the Syndicate for both a physical and emotional attack ."
"Okay, then what about the night we found the drone?" Dib cut into his steak. Clark already had a mouthful by the time he had finished posing the question.
" Wha ' abou ' it'?" he mumbled trying to chew.
"I was looking at the video and I saw this." He pulled out his phone and turned it to Clark as the shaky footage from that night began to play. Clark gave him a confused look.
"Yeah I remember that. I was there."
" Yes, I know that." Dib was getting annoyed. "But look right here, right before the ship explodes, you're standing right outside. Then it blows up and somehow you're right behind me?" He pointed his fork, still holding his steak, at Clark. "A likely story."
Clark blinked. "I am pretty sure you flew back into me." He looked thoughtful. "Plus, I had walked into the drone right after that clip happened, to come and get you because you were scaring me." He pushed the phone back toward Dib who let the video play further to the point where Clark had nearly wrapped around the solid tree.
"Then explain this!" He pushed the phone back in Clark's face.
"Explain what?"
"Look, you slammed into that tree." Dib replayed it back.
"I don't think I hit it that hard."
"Clark," Dib zoomed the video in so he could see the damage left in the splintered wood. "Look at the tree, you practically snapped it."
"That just looks blurry to me." Clark shrugged at went back to his food, pushing the phone back to Dib again. Dib bit angrily into his steak as all his trump cards fell flat against Clark's oblivious façade. He sat for a moment, chewing his food, deep in thought.
" Just get to the point. He is running you in circles ." He hated to admit it, but CB was right. If Clark was going to play dumb, Dib had no choice but to be upfront with his accusations. It was time to lay it out on the table.
"Clark," He pointed the fork at him again. "You seem to have inhuman speed and recoverability- maybe even strength. You're an alien." Clark paused, his fork in his mouth, looking at Dib with a blank expression. He looked around himself as if trying to find something before swallowing his food and putting the utensil back on the table.
"Didn't we do this bit last night? Or did I dream it."
"You are not from Texas, Clark Rodgers. You are from space. You. Are. An. Alien ." He punctuated each word with a tap on the table. To his surprise, Clark didn't really look alarmed or upset, but rather bemused by the accusation.
"Ok. Okay." He went back to his steak. "You stay inside a lot; leave at weird hours; sleep till five in the afternoon; and wear a trench coat . You. Are. A. Vampire." He mimicked Dib's hand motions with perfection as he spoke.
"What?"
" Are you a vampire ?"
"No, this is serous!" He was answering both CB and Clark. "It's not a game Clark! I'm going to find out the truth!" Dib slammed his hands on the table. He paused; Clark's eyes had darted to the side. Dib began following his gaze, looking around him to see the other people staring at the two in silence. The server scurried back over.
"Is everything all right?" She asked. Clark waved her off.
"Yeah, yeah. Sorry. We were just playing a game." Clark laughed; his easy-going attitude seemed to make the server a little less uncomfortable. "We got a little loud and I'm sorry about that." The server gave a thin smile and nodded.
"A-all right." Though more relaxed, she still didn't seem to trust the reply. "Please keep it down. Remember there are other patrons."
" Did he defend you ?" CB sounded just as confused as Dib felt. " What is his angle ?"
"Probably doesn't want to bring the unwanted attention on himself." Dib muttered as quietly as he could under his breath.
"Hm?" Clark looked up.
"Oh, I just said : It's a game. You win."
"I don't think that was nearly enough syllables."
"It's what I said though." Dib let out an exasperated breath as he stared hard into his food. This was a lot harder than he had given it credit for.
"Huh." Clark went back to his food as well, apparently content not to question Dib any further. He was quiet for a little bit before he laughed to himself. "You know, all things considered, it's not the worst date I've ever had. A little unorthodox maybe. But I'm having fun!"
"W... what?" Dib nearly choked on his food as Clark's words finally clicked. "Wait." He coughed, trying to swallow his food instead of inhaling it. "No- Clark. No. This wasn't a date. I don't date suspects." He finally choked the words out. Sure, Clark was attractive in a boy-next-door kind of way, but Dib assumed that was part of the danger. He'd lure you in with the bright blue eyes and crooked smile and then... well... Dib wasn't exactly sure. But it probably involved decapitation.
Definitely decapitation.
"Why exactly am I a suspect?"
"Everyone's a suspect."
" So, you can't date anyone?"
"No. Wait. Yes? I mean I've never really been on a date. But, no- this isn't about me, Clark. This is about you being an alien."
" Riiiiiight , I'm an alien." He laughed. "Well Dib, you took me out to a nice restaurant in an attempt to get to know me better. You can see how I would get confused." Great. Now Dib was confused. Had this been a date? No. This was an interrogation damn it! "Regardless, date or not, this was pretty fun! I liked the part where we got to really talk."
" I am confused, was this a romantic endeavor ?" Dib had to reach into his ear and turn CB off. This whole situation was confusing enough without the commentary.
"Do you have to be so nice about this? It wasn't what I was expecting..." Dib huffed as he finished his food. Clark laughed.
"I'm unpredictable I guess!" Dib wasn't sure why he got red faced when he saw the grin on the other man's face- it probably was some trace side effect from Q's toxin. Dib quickly downed the rest of his drink in an attempt to quell the heat inside him. "Honestly Dib, I'm just glad we're talking. I've always thought you were interesting."
"Y-yeah." Dib grabbed the check off the table and waved the server down to pay. "But don't think you are off the hook just because you flirted with me."
"I guess I have to be interrogated again then." Clark seemed pleased with himself, just confirming Dib's suspicion that he was an alien. "But if the flirting makes you uncomfortable, of course I'll stop." Dib felt his face heat up a little more.
"Y-you're distracting that's all." On the one hand, the attention was kind of nice. He wasn't accustomed to this type of flattery. Maybe it was some sort of mind control- or maybe Clark was just using his looks to get Dib off the trail. That was the more likely option. But... to be sure, he would have to do a little more research into the Syndicate and the aliens within their ranks. "But this was... fun." Dib wanted to think he was lying, that his enjoyment was part of the charade- but... he actually had enjoyed himself despite his best efforts.
"Yeah! I had a nice time! I mean the part with you hitting the table was a little much, but the reactions were kind of funny." Clark really was taking this too well. It pretty much assured he wasn't human. Dib couldn't imagine any other human shrugging off his outburst. Dib jumped as his phone let out a rather aggressive buzz in his pocket as the two headed out. Dib checked the messages and there was one from his own number.
Me: DID YOU MUTE ME!?
Ah. CB must have realized he turned the Bluetooth off.
"Everything okay?" Clark looked over at Dib.
"Oh, yeah, something came up at home. You mind if I drop you off real fast?" At least this was an out. Dib wanted to head back for a while anyway and having failed to prove Clark was an alien tonight - he felt returning to the apartment now would be admitting defeat.
Dib placed his phone back in his pocket, figuring CB could hear him well enough. "Oh of course, is everyone okay?" Clark seemed genuinely concerned.
"Yeah, my dad just wanted me to see his new invention." Dib took Clark back to the car. "It pretty much never works the first time so I may be in late."
"You always are, Vampire boy." Clark teased. Dib smirked. "Well tell your family hello for me. Especially your sister who I am not going to lie, terrifies me a bit."
"She does that."
"I'm glad she isn't coming over because she always kicks my ass at whatever game I'm playing. I want to keep my self-confidence for a bit longer. Plus, I can't tell if she likes me or not."
"She also does that." Dib mused. "I don't think she likes people in general."
"I think that makes me feel better." Despite the fact that he had gone through an interrogation, Clark was still pretty upbeat as they made their way back to the apartment. "I hope your dad's machine works!" Clark hopped out of the car as Dib pulled up in front of the apartment.
"Same. See you." He waved before Clark closed the car door and headed inside and Dib decided his best course of action was to go to the Membrane House. Tak's ship still sat tucked away in the basement and Dib figured h e could scour the databanks for information.
" Did you think I would not notice you turning off our communication!? How dare you !" The lights in the car all turned blue (that was new- Dib really needed to clear CB out of his car) as the AI came over the stereo sounding more offended than he had ever been before. " You were unsuccessful because you could not listen and then you disconnect me? You do not understand how interrogations work at all. We should have done this at the Master's house ."
"Then he would know you snuck out." Dib replied flatly.
There was a very distinct pause.
" Just because that is correct does not mean you are right. " CB retorted huffily.
"I think if you analyze that sentence, you'll see how flawed it really is." Dib smirked to himself. He may have failed to get the better of Clark, but pissing off CB made him feel better. The car pulled over to the side and Dib let out a frustrated sigh, no longer feeling that smug sense of satisfaction. He had forgotten CB could do that.
" Apologize. "
"CB you diva, come on." Dib let his forehead hit the steering wheel as he fell forward in an overly-dramatic display of exasperation. "I need to get to my dad's place." He wasn't going to apologize to a computer with a superiority complex, so he figured he could try enticing him. (It was like dealing with Zim , only without the ability to throw him out). "There's an old Irken ship at my house, CB. It probably has information about the Syndicate."
" I have information about the Syndicate. I have information from the Master's ship and his house ." He could tell he had at least peeked the computer's interest.
"That's true. But for one: I doubt Zim's databanks are up to date. Now if you had access to Skoodge's ship and its data that would be different." CB's silence affirmed that he had yet to get ahold of Skoodge's ship. "Let's face it, the Tallest probably aren't keeping Zim up to date." Again, CB was quiet. Dib was a bit surprised; he vaguely wondered if he had hit some kind of nerve. "If this Syndicate of yours is constantly expanding I need the most recent information."
" That is fair ." CB finally spoke.
"And also, I'll be real with you: I don't fucking trust you, CB. You're creepy and kind of unpredictable and I'm pretty sure you would sell me to your worst enemy for a single corn chip- and you don't even eat." Dib attempted to start the car again.
" Again, that is a valid assessment ." CB allowed the car to start and Dib merged himself back into traffic. The Membrane house wasn't terribly far from campus, so the forced stop by the uppity computer wouldn't put him too far back. It was already dark before he had even dropped Clark off, but it wasn't like anyone at home had a normal schedule. Odds were Gaz hadn't even been up for long. Ever since she started doing her schooling online, she'd been worse than Dib about staying up all night and sleeping all day.
Sure enough, Dib pulled into the driveway and lights were on. He turned off the car, putting his cellphone in his back pocket as he got out of his car. He fumbled with his keys opening the house door only to see a distressed Foodio, frantically cooking in an otherwise empty kitchen. Dib decided to slip passed him. He wasn't hungry anyway.
In the living room he saw his sister, playing something, he didn't recognize as an older, ginger woman attempted to play along. Of course, Gaz was leaving her in the dust, but she was doing better than his father. Seeing her made Dib roll his eyes. "Are you still a thing?" The woman was a fellow scientist that his father had reunited with at some science conference . She was also-
"Well your father and I have been married for two years as of last month. So yes. It appears I'm still a thing."
His step mother.
Dib didn't really trust her. She was a geneticist who kept most of her projects secret and when he pried into her work, she would just wave him away with something not-at-all reassuring like: ' Don't worry, Junior, this one doesn't involve you '.
Dib had brought up his concerns to his father about how she was: ' probably evil ' and clearly had ' questionable scientific ethics '. His father had just laughed and laughed and told Dib that it was one of the things he and the woman had in common. So, it was despite everyone's best judgement that Dib and Gaz gained a scientific genius of a stepmother and Dr. Moira O'Deorian became Dr. Moira Membrane. Dib wasn't home much, but he assumed his dad would have grown tired of being in a more traditional family unit by now.
"Why are you home?" Gaz didn't even look away from the screen. "Hurry up Moira, you're slowing me down!"
"It's an escort mission, Gazline ." The Irishwoman retorted with an elegant air of indignation. "I am keeping the target safe."
"Safe from what? I've killed like everything."
"There were invisible enemies last level. They could spawn again."
"My roommate's probably an alien if anyone is wondering." Dib interjected, immediately bored of watching his sister and (hopefully temporary) stepmom argue about pixels on a television while their planet was probably under attack from the Syndicate.
"Clark? Yeah, I mean probably. No ordinary human wants to spend that much time with you." Time had not softened Gaz's biting wit.
"Be nice to your brother."
"I'm serious. He's probably an alien."
"Who's an alien?" His dad poked his head in from the hallway, part of his hair was smoking. "Are we talking about Zim again?"
"No dad. You remember Clark? My roommate? He's an alien."
"Oh? When did we finally get rid of Texas? They had it coming if you ask me."
" No, I think he means like alien from space- darling you're on fire." Moira only glanced up from the screen for a moment but Gaz let out a frustrated sigh and she turned back.
"Damn right I'm on fire! I'm making great progress to that power amplifier!"
"Yeah I'm just going to go to the garage." Dib had yet to convince his dad of Zim and at this point he had honestly given up.
"Dude, even if Clark is an alien, is it worth outing him?" Gaz knew about the supernatural underbelly with which Dib was involved. "I mean, he's your friend, right? And you've already gone through two other roommates."
"It's worth it if he's evil."
"Do you know he's evil?" Moira questioned.
"I know you're evil." Dib replied pointedly.
"I'm not evil, Junior . I'm morally ambiguous . There's a difference. And if it were not for that moral ambiguity you would not be here." Dib made a face. He hated to be reminded that she played any part in his creation (even if it was just as a genetic consultant).
"Don't call me Junior."
"Sorry to hear about your evil roommate, son." His dad interrupted. As per usual, He seemed to have missed the point of the vast majority of the conversation. "Is he worse than that guy who was committing academic fraud? Stealing is one thing, but stealing scientific ideas should be punishable by death!"
"That seems extreme, dad." Dib rubbed the bridge of his nose. "No. I mean... he hasn't done anything yet. It's a work in progress, okay?"
"I mean I'd also be highly suspicious of anyone who found you attractive." Gaz interjected. " But that's because I had to live with you. Just make sure you know what you're doing before you end up scaring this guy off."
"Not helping!" Dib's cheeks reddened in frustration as he stalked passed his family to the back door. "I'm going to the garage! Don't interrupt me!"
"No one cares!" Gaz called out; at the same time his stepmother replied with: "Oh have fun, Junior"; and his father mumbled : "About time we got rid of Texas."
Dib could not get to the garage fast enough, remembering now more than ever, why he had decided to move into the college apartments. He made his way into the back where (thankfully) Tak's ship remained unbothered by the chaotic changes to the Membrane house. He quickly powered her up, readying for the inevitable barrage of insults that would follow.
" What do you want you lumpy meat-sack !?" And there it was.
"I need to talk with you about the Galactic Syndicate." Dib straightened himself up. "What species does it house currently? Can you tell? Are there any mind controlling or shape-shifting types?"
" Woah! Wait a moment !" The ship sounded unhappy. " What is that abomination in your butt!? " Dib blinked.
"In my butt?" He paused at a complete loss. "Wait, you mean my pho-" Then it hit him. "Oh! You are talking about CB? He is not in my butt."
" I am most assuredly not in his butt ." CB affirmed quickly.
" It talks too!? How wretched! "
" Well you are no sight yourself you out of date- " Dib turned the phone off quickly.
"He's gone. See?" He held the phone up. This was a bad idea as it powered instantly back on and CB continued seamlessly where he had left off.
" Make-shift excuse for a cruiser. Can you store information on the Syndicate on those tiny data drives? Because I calculate that you cannot. " Great. The two computers apparently hated each other . He was hoping he could have used CB to ease his way into getting information from Tak's ship, but that plan seemed to be dead on arrival.
"I'll put him outside." Dib promised. "But only if you give me the information I need."
" Any why would I do that!? " The ship sounded truly appalled .
"Because if you don't, I'll plug CB directly into you."
" Do it ." CB urged.
" Very well. " CB's eagerness must have been noticed by Tak's ship because she very quickly relented. " Take that monstrosity out of my sight and I shall share the intel you request. " Dib grinned. It seemed CB was useful after all . He sauntered outside, and placed CB on the ground in front of the garage door, despite his protests.
"There, he's gone. Now, do you have recent information on the Galactic Syndicate?"
" My intel is up to date ." Perfect. " There are a few mind controlling species and shapeshifters in the Galactic Syndicate. However, they have all been deemed low-threat by the Empire ."
"How strong is their military force?"
" The Syndicate Rangers are a diverse group of the military elite gathered from each of the Syndicate planets. The Irken Empire has them listed as being a high-priority threat. There is also a do-not-engage order for any and all Syndicate allied planets and forces. "
"If any of those Rangers were here on this planet, how would I know?" He had to get down to the meat of the problem.
" Well if you weren't a pathetic flesh-bag and were an Irken , you would just know. Irkens can identify species-even those with advanced disguising capabilities and invisibility- through the scanning function of our PAKS. It is just one of the many reasons we are going to one day rule and/or destroy your pathetic excuse for a planet. "
"I see." Dib sighed. He had wanted to do things on his own. After all, Zim was unreliable and Skoodge just made Dib uncomfortable due to his competence. It wasn't a good feeling to know that he had taken down planets in the past. But if Dib wanted to progress in the quest to save his planet from the Syndicate- it seemed as if he would need to bite back his pride and force down his insecurities. It sounded like he would need an Irken.
" Are you done? " Tak's ship sounded bored with him already.
"I am. Thanks for your help."
" You are fortunate that you have had the opportunity to work with functioning Irken technology rather than that horrid... thing you brought in with you. "
"Yeah yeah," He figured Tak's ship would hate something manufactured by Zim , as she did not have a high opinion of Zim either. Though Dib's initial hope had been that they would cooperate- he should have known better. "You can shut down if you wish-" And instantly the ship turned off. Dib would have been offended if this had been the first time she had done this- but he was accustomed to the behavior by now.
It didn't matter .
Dib had a phone call to make.
