Author's Note: Since I made you wait twice as long as I usually do, I wrote twice as more. (About 20 pgs. on Word) Enjoy!

Author's Note 2: The dashes mean either a change in narrative or time (mostly due to the site not letting me double return). I know this might make things a little confusing but hopefully you'll catch on to what's what.

Author's Note 3: Italicized sentences in ' ' are thoughts.

Feedback: Greatly appreciated.


PART XV: Take It Easy (Love Nothing)

"Now I do as I please, and I lie through my teeth. / Someone might get hurt, but it won't be me. / I should probably feel cheap, but I just feel free / And a little bit empty…"

– Bright Eyes, Take It Easy (Love Nothing)

Entering Tad's red brick Italianate mansion, I was met by the warmth of recycled breath and the smell of sex. Rhythmic beats of a pop song shook the walls and caused those who heard it to dance or, if they were not aware of it, to sway thoughtlessly as if it was instinctive. Lyrics about dancing with sexual connotations were repeated over and over again as if they were a primitive chant; a part of a mating ritual for the contemporary adolescent.

As I made my way to the bar, gingerly side-stepping those who were already far beyond the dance rite, I felt a tug on my arm. Although I could tell it was a woman's hand, her touch was too tentative to be Joanna's.

When I turned around, her blue eyes widened as if she could not believe she was able to get to where she was. I smiled at her, which caused her to ease slightly. Her tense fist disassembled into loosened fingers. She smiled. "Hi."

"Hi," I mirrored back then laughed as if out of awkwardness, but I would never truly feel awkward.

"Did you–" The rest of her sentence was drowned out by the music.

"What?" I asked. But when she repeated her question, I was still unable to understand what she had said. I gestured in the direction of the bar, which was away from the blaring speakers. She nodded.

------

"'Did you just get here?' she repeated for the third time and final time."

I laughed. It seemed like something you were supposed to laugh at. "Yeah. You know…" I shrugged as though it were nothing. "Fashionably late and all that."

I helped her up onto one of the tall bar stools before taking the one next to her. She had clumsily tried to do it on her own, but was amusingly unable to lift her butt over the edge of the seat. "Why are bar stools so anti-" she was careful with her choice of words, "not-as-tall people?"

"If you saw how amusing you were trying to sit on one of them, you'd know exactly why," I teased. She playfully hit me. "Ow," I whined, gingerly rubbing my arm.

"What?" she asked, not believing for a moment that she had hurt me.

"Short people are vindictive."

She opened her mouth, feigning offense, but before she could voice a retort, the bartender came by, sporting the clichéd rag over the shoulder. "Hypnotiq on the rocks," I said before he could even ask. I turned toward Jessie. "Do you want anything?"

"Water, please," she said then blushed slightly as if she was embarrassed to order such a plain beverage. "Sparkling water," she quickly added. I smiled.

When the bartender handed us our drinks, Jessie gaped at the turquoise liquid with childlike fascination. "What is that?"

"Hypnotiq? It's kind of like a wine cooler." 'Except stronger,' I failed to add. "You'd like it."

"I don't–"

Before she could decline, I handed her the drink with a coaxing smile. "Here, take it." Wordlessly, she did as I had insisted. "So what's up?"

"Tad's cat," she said casually as she peered into the glass after taking a tentative sip.

"What?" I drank the sparkling water, which would have tasted better with sloe gin and a few ounces of lemon juice, but I needed to be fully alert and effective when dealing with Jessie.

"Ajay and Tad were having a fight over by the pool about whether or not cats could land on their feet, and Tad said that they can, but Ajay wouldn't believe him."

"So Tad threw his cat onto the roof?" I asked with a feigned look of shock to cover up the amusement I found in the image of Tad chucking his cat into the air just so he could prove that he was right.

"No. Then Tad said that Ajay was 'mad stupid,'" I knitted my eyebrows and smiled, slightly caught off-guard by the disarming way Jessie had slowly enunciated 'mad stupid.' "which made Ajay mad."

"So he chucked Tad's cat on the roof."

"No!" Jessie became more excited and reflexively leaned closer to me. "Then Ajay made a reference to Tad's 'mama.'"

"Oh no! Not the 'yo mama' card," I said with exaggerated dread, silently noting our increased proximity.

"Uh-huh." Her speech quickened into a feverish pace. "So Tad pushed Ajay over a lawn chair, and he tripped and KNOCKED into Cynthia, who then fell into the pool and SPLASHED cold water all over Alexa, who, IN SHOCK, threw her cup in the air and spilt beer all over Marni's head."

"Poor Marni," I said, not knowing who Marni was or ever really caring; only because it felt like the proper thing to say.

"Yeah," said Jessie with genuine sympathy. "But she's okay. I convinced her that washing your hair with beer was good for it."

"It adds body and shine." I flipped my hair, mocking the semi-famous actresses who get paid millions of dollars to become spokespeople for hair products that they would never normally use.

"And it makes you smell just like Lindsay Lohan!" announced Jessie in the sensational voice of advertising.

"Actually, she smells more of cigarettes and vanilla," I nostalgically added, remembering the taste of her skin and the pleasurable sting of her deep red fingernails – the same color as the blood she drew from my back. 'I love overhead mirrors.'

"What?"

"Nothing." I cleared my throat and returned focus to the elaborate story that had not yet answered the question: "So how did the cat end up on the roof?"

"Oh, by climbing up the drain pipe," said Jessie, as if it was a minor detail.

I stared at her incredulously. "So what was with the whole spiel?"

"After seeing all the commotion, Tad's cat freaked out and ran to the safest place possible."

"The roof?" I asked, hinting at the fact that the top of a three-story drop wasn't exactly the brightest of choices.

"I know. Tad tried to get her down, but every time he got near her, she would take a swipe at him. I think he said she was in heat or something."

"Poor Tad. He can't even get a horny cat to go near him."

Jessie smiled and exhaled a small laugh through her nose. Then there was an awkward silence. As I took another sip from my glass and surveyed the room, she finally asked, "So where's Joanna?"

With my head still turned to one side, I smirked on the side that Jessie could not see. "Oh," I said, acting as though I had almost forgotten. "I'm meeting her here."

Jessie nodded then looked into her glass, contemplating whether she should verbalize the curiosity already present in her face. "So are you guys…" She paused mid-sentence, hoping that she could finish her question with a look.

"What?" I said, playing as if I didn't know what she was getting at.

"You know… Um, dating?"

"Joanna's not really the type who dates."

"Then what would she… Oh." Jessie's face fell, realizing what else one could do besides date in order to maintain a romantic relationship.

"Yeah. But no. We don't…" I avoided saying the word 'fuck' for Jessie's comfort. Even with its absence, her face began to flush. "Not anymore."

"But you and Joanna used to…"

"Together? Or with other people? Or together with other people?"

"Katie…"

"Yes, we used to… be romantically involved… together." Then slightly, ever so slightly, a tinge of jealousy flashed across Jessie's face. And although it was small, it was savored, like a droplet of water on Tantalus' tongue.

Jessie traced her finger around the rim of her glass, creating a low hum. "Isn't it weird being around your ex all the time? I mean, wouldn't it be?"

I shrugged. "It's just like a room full of pink elephants."

"What?"

"You know the idiom 'the pink elephant in the corner' for like a problem…"

"That everyone tries to ignore…"

"Yeah, so it feels kind of awkward?" Jessie nodded then remained silent, understanding the idiom but wanting to hear the end of my point. "Well, if you're in a room full of pink elephants and wherever you go, there are always pink elephants – pink elephants in the hallways, pink elephants in the streets, pink elephants on the trains, planes, automobiles, whatever… You kind of forget that they're there."

Jessie took a moment to process what I had said about ex's and pink elephants and the room being full of them then narrowed her eyes in suspicion. "How many pink elephants are in this room right now?"

"None. What am I? Fucking crazy?"

Jessie laughed, but I could tell by the way her eyelids dropped that she was not satisfied by my answer. I could have told her the more direct truth, but she had not asked me the more direct question. And I liked it better that way. 'Ask me no questions, and I tell you no lies,' I thought to say, but was interrupted when I heard my name being called by a distinct voice amongst the din.

"There you are!" cried Joanna, emerging from the crowd with her hands raised high in the air.

"Here I am!" I said, with widened eyes and a gaping smile, mocking her over-the-top excitement.

"Have you been hiding from me?" she asked as she placed a hand on her hip and the other on my lap. Jessie became uneasy by our contact.

"Never. I just got here. Ask Jessie."

Joanna's smile faded when she finally noticed her. "Oh, hey, Jessie," she said out of politeness.

"Hi, Joa–"

Cutting her off, Joanna possessively took my hand and leaned in close. When she wet her lips, the tip of her tongue touched my ear. "C'mon, I want to show you something," she whispered.

"OK, but I'm talking to Jessie right now."

Joanna looked at Jessie and cocked her head to the side, gauging how much of a threat she could be. If she proved to be an obstacle, Joanna would have no hesitance in pushing her out of the way. Rather than sidestepping, Joanna liked to take problems head on, sometimes literally. This could not be said about Jessie.

"That's OK. I can talk to you later," she said, quickly backing down. Joanna retracted her claws.

"Are you sure?" I asked, offering her a final chance.

"Uh-huh."

I was disappointed she gave up so easily. I stood up from my seat, but waited a while to see if she would protest at the last minute. Instead, Joanna tugged on my arm, growing impatient.

"C'mon, let's go!"

"All right, all right. Calm down." I smiled at Jessie as I reached for my glass. "I'll see you later, Jess."

She meekly raised up her hand with a polite half-smile. "Bye," she said. But I could barely hear her as Joanna led me away into the noisy crowd with her arms tucked around my neck. She walked backwards, her eyes never leaving me. And every time she stepped on someone, she laughed.

------

I arrived at the party later than I would have liked, way past when it was fashionable. I would have arrived earlier if it wasn't for Keith's disappearance. I called for him to bring up my car several times, but no one responded. When someone named Robert, whom I don't remember ever seeing before, although he insisted I had, finally drove my SLR McLaren to the front of the house, I told him to fire Keith immediately.

With all my time wasted on tracking down AWOL valets and waiting for someone to bring me my goddamned car, I hadn't had time to replenish myself and was in critical need of a drink. I pushed my way through groping couples and stepped on a few people already passed out on the floor.

"Jack and Coke," I barked at the bartender. "No, fuck the Coke. Just replace it with more Jack."

"So you want a Jack and Jack?"

"Are you trying to be funny?" I asked, not in the least bit amused. "Do you see me laughing?"

"No." The bartender shook his head, suddenly regretting his words.

"No," I said gently. "That's why you're a bartender and not a fucking comedian, so why don't you just do your job and get me my goddamned drink, OK?" I gave him a patronizing smile. "And no ice. The ice just waters it down." Without another word, he scurried off.

"Hi, Sarah," said a voice I could not tolerate at the moment.

"Hey–" I couldn't bring myself to say her name. "You."

I heard the promising sound of glass sliding on polished wood. "Here's your drink, Miss."

"Thank fucking Christ."

I grabbed the glass, welcoming the slick feel of cool condensation, and knocked back the concoction in three huge gulps. The warmth of it going down was soothing. I closed my eyes and let out a highly-satisfied sigh.

"Would you like another?"

I opened my eyes, newly revitalized. "Why, yes I would." I smiled and handed him a fifty as a sign of gratitude and encouragement. "See? Isn't it great to stick with what you're good at?" Calmed by the much needed alcohol, I turned to Jessie with a saccharine smile, finally able to deal with the incompetence of the world. "So where's Katie?" I asked, remembering why I had gone through so much torture to attend Tad's trivial event.

"Over by Laughie McLaugherson," said Jessie, almost bitterly. She took a swig from her drink. It was then that I noticed the half-empty glass of Hypnotiq in her hand. I had no doubts Katie was the one who offered it to her. Jessie seemed like the type to keep away from all things fun. I was disappointed in Katie for using the aid of alcohol in her pursuit. It was an amateur tactic. But I suppose she needed to pull out all the stops when dealing with Mrs. Jesus.

"What?" I asked, finding Jessie's pathetic insult for Joanna more absurd than her actual statement.

She nodded toward the cozy couple in the corner sitting on an armchair designed for one person. Joanna sat with her legs across Katie's lap and held herself up by wrapping her arm around Katie's shoulders. The hem of Joanna's skirt had bunched up to just under her ass, and Katie's hand rested there. She must have said something funny because Joanna started laughing hysterically, resting her head in the crook of Katie's neck. Katie smiled and looked at Jessie before leaning her head against Joanna's. She whispered something into her ear. Joanna laughed even harder.

Becoming terribly self-conscious, Jessie sat up straight and accidentally knocked over a perfectly good bottle of Grey Goose with her elbow. It fell to the floor with a loud crash followed by an expletive from the bartender. People briefly turned their attention to the minor commotion, causing Jessie to turn beet red. When she met Katie's eyes, she immediately looked down and unhinged her jaw, tensely moving it from side to side. Deep breaths emitted from her mouth. With her head still bent toward the floor, Jessie glanced in Katie's direction. The two were back to their toothy laughter; the kind that precedes heavy petting. "I wonder what's so funny," asked Jessie, with genuine curiosity.

"So let's find out." I quickly downed my second drink then began to move from my seat.

"What?"

"HEY, KATIE!" I took Jessie's arm and pulled her off the stool and delighted in the way she almost fell.

"Oh my god. No, no." Jessie's eyes darted from left to right in desperation. She continued to protest as I dragged her away, but that only made me walk faster. "What are you–" Suddenly we were standing in front of Katie and a suspicious Joanna. "Hi, again," said Jessie to her shoes.

"Hello," said Katie cautiously. She glared at me, knowing what I was up to. "What's going on?"

"We were over there looking at you. Well, I was looking at you. Jessie was more longingly staring at you." Jessie's jaw fell slightly. She looked at Katie then to me in disbelief. "Both of you actually. Because you two seemed like you were having just the greatest time." I clasped my hands together with a beaming smile for emphasis. Jessie's face was now a lovely shade of embarrassment that I would have liked to turn into a crayon and share with all the children of the world. Katie, however, was not as delighted by Jessie's reaction as I had been. She was quite the opposite actually. And I loved it.

Feeling bad for Jessie, Katie took her hand off of Joanna's leg and placed it onto the arm of the chair. "Point, Sarah," she insisted, her face delightfully becoming more peeved.

"She just wanted to know what was so funny," I said innocently.

"Your face!" shouted an obnoxious voice from behind me. Katie laughed simply to spite me.

"Fuck you, Tad," I retorted, not annoyed so much as tired of his childish interjections.

He snaked his arm around my waist. "You promise?" I tried to elbow him in his ribs, but, being used to women violently rebuffing his advances, he anticipated my attack and grabbed my elbow with his hand. "Ooh, feisty."

I yanked my arm free from his grasp. "What do you want, Tad?"

"Have any of you guys seen Russell?"

Joanna tried to hold back her laughter. "Nooo. Nope." Katie poked her in the side, which released a fit of giggles. Everyone looked at her curiously, except for me. I was just annoyed. "What?"

"I thought he wasn't coming," volunteered Jessie.

Tad deflated slightly. "Oh. Okay. That's cool." He then leered at us and began to wrap his arms around me and Jessie, but quickly checked his actions when I threatened to take away a certain part of his anatomy needed to sire progeny (which I now realize might have done the world a favor). He shuffled away from me while still trying to seem cool. "If any of you ladies want to join in the festivities, we're going to be doing body shots in the pool house in five minutes."

"I know who you want to do in five minutes," said Joanna suggestively under her breath.

"What?" Tad genuinely didn't hear her.

Katie signaled Joanna to keep quiet, but Joanna was obviously drunk and could not help blurting out, "Russell!" before exploding into a fit of insane laughter.

Tad grew even more bewildered and a little scared (which was collective amongst those opposite the armchair), but before he could react or even figure out how to react, Katie distracted him by pointing to a group of guys carrying in a small aluminum barrel.

"Hey Tad, look! A keg! Woo!"

Tad whipped around and pumped his fists in the air. "KEG! WOO!" And like howls to wolves, the pack of dim-witted oafs "WOO!"-ed back, accepting Tad to join them on their journey to the pool house.

"What was that about?" asked Jessie.

"I ran out of shiny objects to throw, but moving kegs work just as well."

"I think she was referring to Laughie McLaugherson's homosexual innuendo."

"Laughie McLaugherson?" questioned Joanna, who while even drunk found the insult to be exceedingly lame.

I shrugged innocently. "It's Jessie's nickname for you."

Joanna quickly turned to Jessie with a venomous stare, but to my disappointment Katie was able to once again deter any confrontation with a change of focus.

"We think Tad and Russell have an underlying sexual tension that underpins their friendship."

I rolled my eyes. "Must every friendship have some underlying sexual tension with you?"

"With me? No. Not every friendship must have an underlying sexual tension with me," said Katie, pointing out the easily malleable wording of my sentence like a smart ass. "But I can't help that there is." With an arrogant grin, she looked toward Jessie.

Her suggestive gaze made Jessie quickly shuffle her weight from one foot to the other. Jessie then stood up straight, retched a little then said, "I need to go to the bathroom," and fled.

"I guess you're not the sex god you think you are, Singer," I teased.

"But that doesn't keep you from wanting me."

I exhaled a breath scoffingly, while I gritted my teeth, secretly knowing that she was… maybe, perhaps… right. Still, I was prepared to retort with a sharp comeback but was deviated by a familiar and annoying shrill that came from the other side of the room and was fast approaching.

"SARAH!" whined Grace desperately. "Where have you been?" She clung onto my arm, but I swatted her away. "Ow."

"Hello, Grace," said Katie with a mischievous smirk. She brought her drink to her lips and fished out a hollow cylindrical piece of ice with her tongue and sucked on it for a while before biting hard with a satisfying crunch.

"Hey, Katie," murmured Grace, suddenly becoming uncomfortable and subsequently quiet. 'Thank God.'

"Who's the spaz?" snickered Joanna.

"Joanna, be nice," warned Katie, as if addressing a child.

"Whatever."

Grace turned her back to the couple on the armchair. "Why aren't you answering your phone?" she asked me in an angered whisper. "I've been trying to reach you all day!" 'So that's why my new Balenciaga handbag had been vibrating every two minutes.'

"I can't find it," I explained. "Even after I emptied out my purse, I could still feel it vibrating inside. It's like it melded with my bag." I reached into my Chanel clutch and pulled out a silver sequined handheld device with a flat screen LCD monitor across its face. "I've been reduced to using my Sidekick as my primary phone."

"The world weeps for you," said Katie sardonically, obviously eavesdropping on our conversation.

"Oh, that sucks!" piped up Joanna with sincere commiseration. "I hate when that happens." Katie glowered at her with annoyance. "What? You're supposed to use it with your other phone. That's why they call it a sidekick."

"How I pity the future of our youth."

"When you say 'our,' you do mean in the universal sense, right?" I asked, not being able to picture Katie as a mother and fearing Joanna ever becoming one.

"Sarah!" hissed Grace, pulling my attention away from Katie.

"What! What is it?"

"Can I please talk to you somewhere else? In private?"

------

Grace carefully peered her head inside. We were outside the last room on the third floor. All the others we had checked out were occupied by people in various stages of nudity and copulation. 'If I see another bare hairy ass of one of Tad's jock friends, I swear! I will become strictly gay FOR LIFEor for at least three weeks.'

"This place is good," confirmed Grace, walking in. It was a study, which I'm sure Tad had rarely been in and consequently none of his jock friends. It would be hard for one to get hot and heavy in a room where the only busts around were that of old dead men. It had the clichéd floor-to-ceiling bookcases built into its walls (although they were not nearly as tall as Katie's; and many of the books seemed to have been hollow fill-ins) as well as the 19th century mahogany desk creatively paired with the 19th century mahogany desk chair. There was the ivory standing globe whose purpose was far from being a geographic aid and the built-in marble fireplace that was never used. And to top it all off, there were the requisite trimmings – the rare antique mantle clock, the million dollar paintings and the mounted head of the endangered black rhinoceros acquired during a big game hunt in Eastern Africa. It was a study straight from the pages of a Charlotte Brontë novel, matched piece by piece.

"So what's your damage?" I asked, sitting on the Victorian-style couch in the middle of the room, conveniently located by the drink cart. I poured myself a quarter glass of scotch, not so much to numb the irritation of Grace's voice as to protect her from my ripping her throat out because of it.

"Something awful happened the other day," she said, falling into the seat beside me.

"What do you mean?" My ears perked up along with my mood. The only thing that she could have been referring to was Katie's successful seduction of her. Although it had happened at my house, on my own bed no less, Grace assumed that I didn't know, for that day after Katie left and Grace was still asleep in my room, I had gone to visit a friend to indulge in, let's say, the benefits of our friendship. When I came back she was already gone. I told the maid to burn the sheets at once.

Grace looked away, ashamed. "I don't know if I should tell you."

'And why the fuck not!' After enduring all the whining, all the stairs and long hallways, all the bare asses, I felt like I earned the right to know. Taking in a deep breath and another quarter glass of scotch, I gently took a hold of her hand and said, "You should feel free to tell me anything."

"But it involves your friend Katie."

"Then I have to know. If one of your friends did something hurtful to another one of your friends, wouldn't you want to know about it?"

"I guess," said Grace, hesitantly giving in. I nodded reassuringly and patted her hand as a sign that it was all right to continue. She opened her mouth, but it took a while before any words came out. "After you left to help the crispy burnt children, I went upstairs to talk to Katie…"

"Uh-huh."

"And I told her about how I was really upset that my mom is dating Eli's dad. And how horrible I was for being in love with Eli when Gavin's still technically my boyfriend. But then she told me that I can fuck whoever I want. And I was like 'fuck?' And then she found out that I was a virgin–"

"Whoa, whoa. Wait." I held up a hand to halt her fast-paced rambling. "Was?"

"Katie took advantage of me," she whispered, her eyes slowly watering.

I feigned shock. "She forced herself on you!"

Grace averted her gaze to the floor. "No… Not exactly. But it was like I couldn't defend myself."

"Why? Did she tie you up?"

"No!" She blushed at the idea. "She just has a way of putting things. Like, you can't think of an answer."

"Not even 'no'?"

"I kept on saying 'no' the whole time…" Her speech slowed as she started to realize how foolish she sounded. "But somehow, that wasn't what I was doing." Then, no longer able to keep what little composure she had left, she collapsed into my chest. "I'm so ashamed."

I placed a comforting hand on her head and cradled her like a mother. I recalled my first time at the tender age of thirteen. Looking back on it now, I admit that I had been too young. It was with a boy five years my senior. I had met him at a fund raiser Katie's mother had thrown. He was to begin enrollment at West Point, the prestigious U.S. military academy, that fall under the influence of his father and was exceedingly reluctant to go. He, Katie and I stole glasses of Champagne from tables and waiter's trays and even an entire case of it from the kitchen. We were to drink in honor of his departure, although we were just looking for a reason to get plastered. Katie ended up passing out, while we drunkenly fooled around beside her, having one drunken thing lead to another. He was the first of many to tell me that he loved me, and I can't even remember what he looked like. "You'll find the shame is like the pain. You only feel it once."

"So what should I do?"

"Do you really want my advice?"

"Yes! Please!"

"Well, first off, no sniveling." I pulled her off me. Her tears had already begun to soak through my $800 Chloé top, along with her snot. I made a mental note to throw it away as soon as I got home. "You had sex. Be happy. Many people would kill to be in your position, especially with someone as attractive as Katie." Grace opened her mouth to protest, but I held up a hand, commanding her to let me finish. "Furthermore, I insist you continue sleeping with Katie. Think of her as your tutor. Let her instruct you."

"But I don't love Katie. I love Eli."

"So? Don't you want to know how to make Eli happy when you guys finally make love?" I hated saying those two words. They were a bullshit euphemism for fucking.

"Yes," she admitted sheepishly, her tear-streaked face becoming redder.

"Well, practice makes perfect. And the only way to do that is to sleep with as many people as possible."

"But wouldn't that make me a slut?"

"Grace…" I gritted my teeth, holding back the hate I felt whenever anyone made an ignorant comment, especially when it was drawn from a notion as absurd as double standards. "Everybody does it. It's just that nobody talks about it," I managed to say matter-of-factly.

"Ohh… It's like a secret society."

'What a fucking idiot.' I smiled. My teeth were beginning to file down from the pressure of clenching my teeth. "That's one way of looking at it."

"Cool!" Grace got up and left, but not without prancing in glee and repeatedly cheering, "Secret society, secret society…" She opened the door to one of the neighboring bedrooms and exclaimed, "Hello, fellow member!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" a voice shouted back.

"Oh, yeah," she said, remembering that it was supposed to be a secret society. She locked her mouth with an imaginary key then turned to me and mimed for me to stay silent.

I rolled my eyes and exhaled a deep breath. 'I need another Jack and Jack.'

------

The pool area was unusually deserted. Everyone, including Joanna, had gone into the pool house for body shots. Except for one. "Hey… I've been looking all over for you." Jessie sat by the edge of the pool. She had taken off her shoes and had rolled up the cuffs of her jeans, so that her feet could dangle in the water.

"Really?" The pool's underwater lights illuminated her face, and together with the movement of the water, it was as if she was sparkling.

I looked away and laughed abashedly. "No." I spread out my arms, as though I was attempting to hug the expanse of Tad's estate. "This place is huge! It would take me a day to cover even half the place." Then I whirled around and smiled at her with every iota of my sincerity and said, "But I'm glad that I found you." I began to take off my shoes and roll up the cuffs of my pants. "How's the water?" I asked. But before she could answer, I had already dipped my toe in. "Hmm," I said thoughtfully, judging its temperature with an exaggerated look of conceit. "It's tolerable." She playfully kicked some water onto my face. "Hey!" I wiped at my cheek with my sleeve. "I see you're feeling better."

"What do you mean?"

"Before– You said you needed to go to the bathroom. I thought you were going to–" I mimed someone gagging and added in a 'blech' for emphasis.

"Oh, no. Surprisingly, I can hold my alcohol," said Jessie, as if she could not believe it herself. "But it does make you want to pee a lot." I laughed in agreement, recalling the time when Tad had passed out during the after-party for cotillion and woke up the next morning with a huge yellow stain down the leg of his White Knight tuxedo. "Ew," she said, giggling. "I bet he never got his deposit back."

"I probably wasn't supposed to tell you that."

"I promise I won't tell," said Jessie, crossing her heart.

Suddenly there was a loud uproar of drunken merriment from the direction of the pool house. From where we sat we could see everyone had crowded around whoever was the body portion of the body shot and was egging on whoever was drinking in loud one syllable chants – another rite of the contemporary adolescent. It was a way to gain acceptance from the higher-ups of the tribe. As one of the higher-ups, I was expected to attend, and Jessie knew this. "Why aren't you joining them?"

I shrugged and watched my feet as they slowly treaded water. "I'm not into that kind of fare anymore."

"Oh, really?" asked Jessie, with partial disbelief.

"Nope… Not since a strong new influence entered my life."

"Has Katie Singer finally found God?" she teased.

"No." I looked at her and casually said, "Just you."

Jessie laughed. It was an awkward kind of laugh. A laugh that one makes when she doesn't know what else to say or how else she's supposed to react. And finally when she did manage to say something, it was, "Sure." She just said, "Sure."

"You don't even realize it, do you?" I let my feet be still. They looked closer and abnormally bent as though the water had caused them to deform. I pulled them out.

"Realize what?"

"You've changed me in a way that was thought impossible."

"What?" she asked with a nervous smile, half-thinking this was all a joke.

I stared ahead at the bushes hedged into a gate far at the other side of me, which separated the pool area from the rest of the estate. There was nothing but woods beyond them, so I wondered if they were there to keep things out or to seal us in, and suddenly I felt trapped. "Until I met you… I had only ever experienced desire. But love? Never." It was becoming harder to breathe, but I didn't show it, except perhaps in the pauses I took in between words, but I spoke with a steady voice and at a normal volume, not afraid of what I said or if other people heard, not like they could. Although there were people around not more than ten yards away from us, they were all in their own little world as we were. As I was. "I thought that I had," I continued, thinking of Sarah and the way we were so much alike. It was as if we were someone who had been cut in half and subsequently grew into two separate beings. 'And that's supposed to count for something, right?' "But I was wrong… Do you know why?" I was careful not to look at her. I could feel her eyes searing into the side of my head, dissecting for what I was getting at. "Because there was no pain… It wasn't until I met you; until I began to feel actual physical pain every time you left the room that it finally dawned on me." I inhaled deeply, preparing to cough out this foreign body that I had kept lodged in my throat for so long. I had been afraid of what would happen if I were to spit it out; expose it to the world, but the more I kept it inside, the more it ate away at me. It obstructed my breath, impaired my senses and infected my entire being. And it only grew worse when I was near her. I had to get rid of it. I had to finally expel it from my throat – "I love you."

"You love me?"

"Yes," I exhaled, finally free.

"Yes…" she said to herself as though it were a revelation. And as I leaned in to kiss her, I hoped that which infected me still lingered upon my lips so that I might pass it on to her. But before our lips could touch, she pushed me away. "No."

"No?"

"No!" she said hard so that she could have something sturdy to regain her balance on. "You can't. We can't–" she stumbled, still trying to catch herself. "I can't."

"He, she, it can't."

"I'm serious, Katie."

"So am I!" I stood up so that I could look down at her. "You think I'm telling you this just because I want to fuck you?" I began to pace to calm myself down. "I won't deny that when I first saw you, that's all I wanted to do with you. But when I got to know you…" I stopped and folded my arms, facing away from her. It felt easier to say it away from her. "I realized that your beauty, although greatly esteemed, is the least of your qualities. You are selfless and sincere and altogether kind, which are virtues that I had not found in any one soul before… And it is for that reason I am in love with you. And it is for that reason I have changed." I then knelt down beside her and looked at her solemnly. "For, you see… It's not that I want to have you. All I want is to deserve you." I took a hold of her hands. They felt as soft and delicate as they had seemed. No part of her could deceive. "So tell me what to do. Show me how to behave. I'll do anything you ask of me."

"I want you…" she whispered, her eyes beginning to close as I leaned in a second time. "To leave."

"What?"

And then she stood. Her balance finally regained. "You're good… You really caught me off-guard with the 'I love you,' even though that was the most expected line. But the 'Show me how to behave. I'll do anything you say' was a little much. You should think about cutting that out."

"No, Jessie, I–" I tried to gain equal footing, but Jessie insisted on shooting me down.

"And F.Y.I., listing my qualities on your fingers is not going to get you anywhere with me. The best you could hope for is my friendship. And you're really walking a fine line at that."

"Jessie…" Where were her hands? Where were her soft and delicate hands?

"I'll see you at rehearsal tomorrow," she said, sounding so far away. "Good night, Katie." And she was gone.

And for the first time in my life, I think my heart had actually broke. I didn't know what to do. I didn't understand. I was freaking out. I hurled a lawn chair into the pool. "FUCK!"

"Yes, please." Suddenly Joanna appeared by my side, reaching out a hand. It held a shot of tequila. "Body shot?"

I quickly downed the burning substance and smashed the glass into shards, hoping that they would cut into my feet because I was numb and I needed to feel something.

Joanna offered a lime in her mouth, and I caught it with my teeth then let it fall as I moved my lips to hers. She tasted like alcohol. She tasted like somebody else. Somebody else who wasn't her. I pulled away and grabbed her hand. "Let's go."

"I thought you'd never ask."

I needed something to feel. I needed something to do. I led her upstairs.

"Katie, wait!" I heard someone call behind me, but I had no time for that. 'Something to feel. Something to do.' Then there was a tug on my arm. A woman's hand. A tentative touch. It wasn't Joanna's. 'Somebody else… Her.'

I turned around. It was Grace. 'Saving grace,' I thought bitterly.

"I was wondering…" she began, staring at the floor. Then, as if remembering what she was after, she awkwardly arched her back and flipped her hair. A few strands became stuck to her heavily glossed lips. "Do you want to get a room somewhere?" she tried to say seductively in a low voice, but came off sounding like an effeminate man.

"That's kind of what we're doing at the moment."

"Oh." She returned to staring at the floor, unsure of what to do next. "Well, then…" She looked up at us and asked simply, "Can I join you?"

I looked to Joanna. She shrugged indifferently.

"C'mon."

I needed something to feel. I needed something to do. 'And the more to do, the more to feel…'