Chapter 7: Lessons in Life
John's POV
Where's something to break when you truly need it? Like Kavanaugh and my former CO from Afghanistan? Or former Vice President Kinsey? Or about 100 Wraith?
To say that I was angry and scared out of my mind would be an understatement. I had just been forced to listen to my friends discussing when they were going to let me die! I can't believe that this could really be happening! What happened to not leaving anyone behind, including not giving up on them? I wouldn't have!
Didn't you just do so, though, John? You wrote in your report of the whole mess that you didn't think Ford would ever willingly return.
A voice from outside intruded on my self-beratement. "Rodney'll sleep for a while, if any of you want to spend a little time with Colonel Sheppard, say... good-bye."
Carson's voice choked on the last word, and I could hear Elizabeth's soft comforting as she apparently led him away from me. What the hell had happened to Rodney? Touched the wrong gadget without waiting to translate the full instructions again?
Now what do I do? I haven't heard or felt Allie, if she tried to connect with me. What if they really pull the...! Don't, John. Think! There has to be some way to let them know that their instruments are wrong. You've never given up before, and you're not about to start now!
A heavy hand on my shoulder diverted me once more to what was occurring outside the body that had become my prison. I was in a situation that I had absolutely no control over, and it was my worst nightmare wrapped up in a plot right out of the imagination of one of the masters of horror. I absolutely hated it.
"Sheppard."
Ronon.
"I couldn't have asked for a better friend and leader. You gave me a chance at a new life when I was almost ready to give up."
Oh, good. Now don't give up on me. I'm not ready for the whole glowy scene yet.
"Good-bye. One warrior to another, I salute you."
I heard the heavy tread of his boots moving away.
Wait! That's it? I mean, I know you're not one for talking a lot, Chewy, but that was short even for you! Come on, no remarks about how you can wipe the mat with me at hand to hand? How about my ability to get us into trouble? No warning that if I'm not around, you're going to shoot McKay? Oh, well, its the thought that counts. Literally for me right now.
"John Sheppard, it is not right that you should leave us this way."
You got that right, Teyla. Should have known with Ronon here, you wouldn't be far behind.
"I will honor your memory, and that of the kindness you have shown my people. You have been a strong, true friend and I shall sorely miss you. Dr. Weir showed me a photograph of one of your Ferris Wheels. I should have liked to have the opportunity to ride one with you when we had the leisure to visit Earth. She told me of one that General O'Neill told her about that has two wheels connected, which both rotate as the entire machine rotates as well. It is at someplace called the Minnesota State Fair. We had wished to surprise you with the possibility of traveling there for your next birthday."
Hang in there, Teyla, maybe we still can. I'll even try to act surprised, and you're right, it sounds pretty cool. Too bad Minnesota doesn't have a decent football team. I'd take you to a game, too.
"Jinto will miss playing catch with you, and all the children will miss your stories. Though they do require some occasional explaining. I will try-"
No, don't start crying on me, Teyla. I can't handle that right now! Deep breaths, slow and easy.
"I will try to be a friend and mentor to Allie. Atlantis will not be the same without you."
Oh, shit.
That did it. I wanted to be anywhere but there at the moment. To scream, cry, chew her out, anything but this. The thought that my little girl believed I was dead, so soon after promising her I wouldn't leave... I could hear the beeping of the heart monitor pick up speed in reaction to my thoughts.
Hey! Maybe... Nope, no movement.
"Dr. Beckett! Carson! I need you now!"
Teyla's call was extremely demanding for my normally tranquil team mate. Several sets of running feet immediately answered, skidding to a halt near me.
"Teyla! What is it, love?" Carson.
"John's heartbeat has quite abruptly become much faster. I believe it may have been in response to my mentioning of Allie."
The soft whir of the Ancient scanner passed by my ear. Hands gently pulled the blankets off of me and the cold of a stethoscope rested against my chest. A disappointed sigh.
"It's just an automatic response to the medication in his IV. There's no other change except his auditory nerves firin' for some reason. I'm afraid there really isn't a chance for anything improvin'. The power surge that went through him seems to have destroyed all the brain's neural pathways. Its like wipin' a computer clean, love. There's nothin' left to tell it how to rewire itself so it can work again."
"Then there is truly no hope this time?"
"I've only heard of one case where the brain repaired itself that was anywhere near this level of damage, but it took six years for the man to come out of the coma and the damage wasn't this severe. It was also the result of head trauma during a car accident, not an electrical discharge. Imagine his brain takin' the same kind of damage as Rodney's left hand, but several times stronger."
Teyla's reply was soft, broken. "Thank you, Carson. I just-"
"I know, love. I feel the same way. If there were even the slightest hope, I wouldna hesitate to take it, but... Even the colonel has run out of miracles this time."
I sure hope you're wrong about that one, Carson! I don't feel like someone used my brain in that old anti-drug commercial... So tired...
"-isn't very fair of you to leave me here on my own, John!"
Whoa! Waking up to an angry Elizabeth is not what I had in mind!
"Dammit! Maybe I should have General O'Neill bust you back down to Major so you'll quit trying to die on me! Colonels in this galaxy seem to have too short a life-expectancy."
Hmmm... Tell me about it, I shortened one of them and the other said he wished I'd been there to do it again!
"You know, I depend on you to help me run this place. You're my anchor, the one I can always count on to back me up, or tell me I'm being an idiot. Do you even realize how much safer you make everyone feel just being around here? There's going to be a giant hole in the fabric of this place when you leave, and nobody is ever going to be able to fill it."
Elizabeth...please don't. You don't owe me anything. You gave me a chance when no one else would. Even if I knew how it would end, there's no way I would have turned down the last two years.
"I'm not really sure how you'd feel about this, John, but..."
Uh oh, please tell me you didn't do what I think you're about to say you did!
"When I sent the update to the SGC this morning, I asked General Landry to contact your father."
Crap. Crap, crap, and double crap.
"I thought he should at least be notified of your condition, that Dr. Beckett doesn't think... Well, you know we can't tell him where you're actually at or what you're doing, and you never mention him, but I thought he needed to know."
There's a good reason for that, Elizabeth. He has a lower opinion of me than even Sumner did. To him, I'm nothing but a worthless screw-up who's a disgrace to the uniform.
"I want you to know, John, how much I value you for just being you. You've made me laugh when all I wanted to do was give up and cry, even when I should have slapped you and Rodney both in time outs for acting like two-year-olds. Don't think that I don't know who really put super glue on Kavanaugh's chair, or that blue dye in his hair gel!"
Elizabeth laughed softly, obviously enjoying the memory.
Oh yeah, that was fun! Dr. Z pulled some nice ones, too, like modifying the jerk's computer so every time he hit 'Enter', the thing insulted him!
"I'll take care of him for you, John. Allie, too. We all will. Neither one of them is taking this very well, as you can imagine. It's going to be a rough road, going on without you, and I highly doubt Caldwell will be going out of his way to make it easier. Did you know that Rodney's been so focused on you that he hasn't once asked Carson to let Radek bring him any work? He hasn't been driving the nurses insane with requests, either."
Not good. A quiet Rodney needs to be watched pretty closely. I really need to be up and around, I have too much to do to lay here dying!
"Elizabeth?"
"Rodney! You startled me, I thought you were still asleep."
"I was until just a second ago."
"Are you in pain? I can get Carson..."
"No! To quote a friend, 'I'm good.' I just- I want to sit with him for a while, if you don't mind. I need to- Well, you know."
"Yes... I'll be with Carson in his office if you need anything. We have some problems to go over with that project he wants to run, not the least of which is how to capture another Wraith in the first place."
Soft footsteps came to the head of my bed and a hand smoothed my always unruly hair.
"I'll come back later, John."
Silence descended except for the electronic chorus of the machines. I had almost let myself float back into sleep when-
"You have a lot of nerve up and dying on me right now, after all the messes I've pulled your butt out of. And making me decide-"
He broke off mid sentence, then continued, quieter.
"I really don't know if I can. Something just feels wrong about this whole mess! That kind of trust..."
You're my team mate and my friend. Who better? I trust you with my life every time we walk through that gate. And you- all of you- trust me with yours.
"I don't know what made you choose me for your team, believe that I actually had the courage somewhere deep inside, but all I can say is thank you."
Your welcome. I knew it was there the minute you grabbed that shield and headed down the steps of the Control Room. I just had to make you dig deep enough to find it. Really, really deep.
"You've taught me a lot, you know. Me, the genius who thought he knew everything, or at least ten times more than any fly boy. You showed me just how wrong I was."
A mocking chuckle, then the scrape of a chair near my bed.
"I'm not very good with people, you know that, but... I feel like I ought to make one of those stupid posters. 'All I Need to Know to Survive in the Pegasus Galaxy, I Learned From John Sheppard... Never lose the clip out of your gun or you'll be doing target practice for the next month. When Wraith are involved, find team mates with lots of muscles and big guns. Never tell an Air Force Colonel something's impossible. The military is occasionally good for something besides blowing things up. Blowing up three-fourths of a solar system, however, is bad."
There was a heavy pause, and when he continued, Rodney's tone had lost its slightly sarcastic teasing note. Now it was just heavy, and very, very sad.
"Trust is precious, and should never be taken lightly. Don't get so caught up in the science that you put the safety of yourself or your team at risk. Even a self-proclaimed coward can be a hero. Always look for the good in others. Never give up, there's always a way out, you just haven't thought of it yet. Friends can show up as the unlikeliest person around. And we never, ever leave our people behind."
Oh, shit, Rodney. I suck at the whole emotional thing. You're killing me here. No pun intended.
"I don't know if you'd agree with this or not, but I can't give up on you, John. Not yet, not until I'm certain. So you just tell your heart to stay beating for me awhile longer, okay?"
I've never been so glad to have you around, my friend. Thank you. You just showed exactly why I do trust you to make this decision. We'll have to work on Carson and his belief in the impossible if you get me out of this. He did well enough with the whole retrovirus mess, though. I'm really tired, Rodney. Think I'll just sleep for a while. Wouldn't be the first time I did that to you...
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Rodney's POV
It had been three long, torturous days, but somehow I still couldn't bring myself to tell Carson to flip that switch. Thankfully, he wasn't pushing me to make a decision, so I'd sort of made one by not making one. No more of John's systems had shut down, as the doctors expected them to, but there hadn't been any improvement, either. I had been officially released from the infirmary two days ago with instructions to rest, though I was still spending most of my time there, with him.
I had gotten off lucky with only a serious, not severe, jolting and burns, as Carson never ceased to remind me. Even I admitted it was a first-year students' mistake, and I definitely deserved the criticism, but did he really feel it necessary to bring it up every time I saw him? Granted, I had given him nine kinds of hell after Hoff, until even John was yelling at me to knock it off...
Irritably, I pulled at the light wrapping encasing my left hand. The stupid thing itched horribly, though the green goop that Carson insisted on slathering it with did seem to be helping with the healing and pain. For all his technology, the voodoo doctor couldn't come up with something better for burns than the sap of some cactus-like plant he kept in his office? Medicine was definitely not a true science!
"Am I really doing the right thing, waiting, or am I really just avoiding letting go like everyone says?"
Without the slightest bit of my previous self-consciousness, I watched the screen of the laptop sitting open on the bedside table for an answer.
'No! I'm not ready to give up, either. Can I tell you a secret, Dr. McKay? You won't laugh?'
It was a measure of how far Allie and I had come in the last few days that I didn't scornfully dismiss the girl for such a question. Not to mention that she'd felt comfortable enough to ask it in the first place. It had started out tentatively, with a game of chess on the computer as I sat late one night with John, unable to sleep. The next morning, we had actually begun talking to each other, comparing our insights on a certain colonel, and sharing stories. Allie had the advantage of seeing John on occasions when I had been too busy, or just plain elsewhere. I wish I'd been there to witness him finally beat Teyla, or run Ronon into the ground! Now, well, the kid and I at least tolerated each other.
"No. I may tell you its stupid, but I won't laugh at you."
'Once or twice I... I thought I heard John calling for me. I felt his love, like he'd just thought me a hug. He always does that just before bed time.'
I shut my eyes and dropped my head, unable to reply right away. I couldn't believe how much this hurt. It hadn't been like this when my parents died, but to them I'd been nothing more than a trophy, a triumph of their bedroom prowess and genetics to parade in front of their teeth grinding 'friends'.
"That's not stupid." I managed a strangled whisper. Reaching out, I rested my good hand on John's slack one. "You hear that, you self-destructive idiot? There are people here who love and depend on you! Allie and I are even working with Radek on the repairs without arguing."
'I thought you said you were going to be honest. Dr. Smartypants.'
I smiled slightly. "Twerp. All right, so there's some mild arguing and creative name calling, but no yelling. Its scary how much the kid's like you already. That's just what we need around here, too. A mini-John Sheppard in our computer. I- Hey!"
The body on the bed seemed to be convulsing suddenly.
"CARSON! Carson! Help! No, no, no... You can't die yet, I'm not ready! Stupid, stubborn, scrawny, self-sacrificing-"
"Bloody hell! Move, Rodney!" The doctor shoved me firmly aside and a moment later the privacy curtain was shut in my face.
With a resigned grumble, I set about calling Elizabeth, Ronon, and Teyla, telling them that something was going on, I just wasn't sure what. I just hoped it wasn't like some of the stories I'd heard, where someone held on until they were sure something had come out the way they wanted it to, then let go... All of us had been taking turns sitting with John the last few days, making sure he wasn't alone just in case. I knew they had been waiting for and dreading this call as much as I was. Getting acknowledgments that they were all on their way, I sank down into a nearby plastic chair, gratefully accepting my laptop from a distracted nurse. Allie and I could at least work at untangling some of the central programming screwed up by the virus. Maybe, just maybe, it would let us both forget for a few minutes...
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John's POV
I was almost resigned, now, to dying. I didn't want to, wasn't ready to, but it seemed I wouldn't get a choice this time. No last minute reprieve or Beckett/McKay insane miracle this time. No glowing spirit guide to ascension so far, either, though I had mixed feelings about that.
I had a few bones to pick with their night lighted highnesses, and I doubted they were going to be very receptive to my opinions. Kind of like trying to explain to the Genii that bullying and bigger guns weren't always a smart way to get what you wanted.
Probably would get myself kicked out within a day, anyway. The minute someone from Atlantis got into trouble, nothing that lazy bunch could do would stop me from a little interference... Just how Dr. Jackson put up with their stupid rules as long as he did is beyond me. Then, patience has never been a virtue of mine.
I didn't have any clue how long it had been anymore. I had been drifting in and out of consciousness quite a bit. Sometimes I'd wake up to talking, other times to silence, but a faint rustle, a shifting foot or the scrape of a chair told me I was never alone. I wished I could thank them for that. It made it easier as I lay there, feeling my body weaken, my time awake growing shorter and shorter...
Only to wake for what I was sure would be the last time, choking, fighting desperately to take just one more breath...
TBC...
