MERRY CHRISTMAS TO MY CHRISTMAS CELEBRATING READERS! To those who do not celebrate- have a happy Thursday and Friday!


Honestly, Dib had thought it would be more difficult to get time off for the holidays, given that the Syndicate had-at best- a limited grasp of human customs. He had expected more pushback from Captain Rose when he was trying to explain that his family would be wanting him home. But the Captain seemed genuinely happy to oblige.

What he should have expected, however, rather than annoyance at him asking for time off or asking if Lor could come with him- was the absolutely jaw-dropping amount of paperwork required for his leave. He kept messing up one form or another and having to start all over again. He was actually picking up little bits of the Tangean language just from the sheer repetition of filling out his forms. After what felt like the hundredth attempt to submit forms, he received a happy little notification on his Syndicate Communicator that informed him he would be granted his time off request.

It wasn't like Dib or his family were particularly passionate about the holiday season. His dad didn't mind Christmas (despite a very passionate hatred toward Santa), but he typically just used to work through it. It wasn't until he had started dating his now-wife that he had actually been home. Moira had seemed to be more of a traditionalist in regards to the holiday season, and it was at her request that Dib and Gaz would both stay home and spend time as a family. They didn't usually do much, they would play games, watch movies, and open presents in the morning once everyone actually woke up- but this year, Dib was kind of looking forward to the normalcy. Ever since the truth had surfaced about CB, Dib had been on edge. Every time he looked at Zim or at that robotic abomination, he just thought about every atrocity that had been in his school books; every monstrous thing done at the hands of the original AI.

He was just ready to get away for a bit. He wasn't ready, however, to be jostled awake by Lor vigorously shaking him.

"Hey!" He heard Lor speaking but he tried to put the pillow over his head to block out the noise. "Oh no you don't!" Lor grabbed the pillow.

"Five more minutes..." Dib grumbled trying his best to bury his face into the mattress to escape the light from the sun streaming in.

"No. No five more minutes." The medic refuted Dib's (very reasonable) request. "It's noon and your parents are on the phone."

"What? Who?" Dib was only half awake, blinking, bleary-eyed in the morning (afternoon) light. "But I don't even have a phone right now."

"I know. They called my phone."

"Why do my parents have your phone number?" Did Dib know they had Lor's cell phone number? He felt like he didn't know that.

"I dunno, I gave it to them when I moved in… in case of emergency, I think." He didn't sound too sure. "Your mom just insisted it was for: totally normal, non-suspicious, and completely legal reasons."

"And you believed her?" Dib asked, a tad incredulous.

"I don't know! But answer them, please! They really want to talk to you."

"Right." Dib finally sat up, fully awake as Lor shoved his phone into his hand. Dib put the phone to his ear, trying- unsuccessfully- to stifle a yawn. "Hello?"

"Good morning-afternoon son!" The enthusiastic voice of his father was not something he was expecting right after waking up. "We were wondering if you were still heading home for tonight! You said you were coming last week and we haven't heard from you since. But the school hadn't told us you were dead so we had a pretty good idea that you were alive."

"Thanks, dad. I think." Good to know his parents were worried. Well... worried-ish. "Sorry I've been hard to reach, my phone..." he trailed off, looking at Lor "exploded."

"I thought we fixed that bug in the Membrane phone..." Moira sounded pensive.

"Oh- yeah- no it was unrelated to that glitch. I was doing some science and my phone was collateral damage." Dib gave a quick, but purposefully vague answer. "So... yeah, sorry about that."

"It's fine." His dad didn't seem surprised or concerned. "That was an older model anyway. You needed an upgrade. You can pick from our newer line when you finally get here!"

"And is Clark still joining you?" Moira asked.

"Who-oh! Right. Yeah. He's still coming if that's cool." It took Dib just a second to remember Lor's human name as it had been a bit since he had last used it. He had grown accustomed to the real names for Lor, Carrius, and Captain Rose. Now, even seeing them in their human disguises seemed a little foreign to him.

"Oh course, of course." His stepmother assured him. "We'll be happy to have him. I'm surprised he wasn't going home himself."

"Of course not, my love," before Dib could even come up with a simple excuse about Lor not celebrating Christmas, his dad had intervened. "He's from Texas, remember? They have that summer-time Christmas with cowboy Santa and his army of robotic bison."

"Oh, yes. That's right, isn't it? I forgot about Tex-mas." Moira seemed satisfied by the explanation.

"It is a sacred Holiday to the Texan people. If Clark wants, we can all wear cowboy hats around the tree on Christmas morning to make him feel more at home." His father offered. Dib wasn't about to have to wear a cowboy hat so he was happy when Lor quickly declined.

"It's fine. It's the wrong time of year anyway."

"Well, the offer is open." Moira replied, diplomatically. "Junior, darling, you have already missed most of lunch. But we would really like it if you were here for dinner."

"Yeah, I can swing that." Dib let out another, loud yawn. "We'll be over soon, guys."

"We are excited to have you home!" Moira did seem legitimately happy to hear Dib was coming back.

"Merry Christmas Eve, son!" His dad called before hanging up the phone. Dib flopped back onto the bed with a sigh. He stared up at the blurry ceiling before finally reaching his arm out toward the nightstand and fumbling for his glasses.

"It sounds like they miss you." Lor noted as he placed Dib's glasses into his searching, outstretched hand.

"Yeah, it's been three, almost four years now since dad got met Moira and I'm still getting used to the new family dynamic thing." He slid his glasses over his face before rolling over to face Lor who was standing by the bed. "You gonna be okay coming for a holiday?"

"Yeah?" The doctor looked confused by the question. "Of course, I mean... I like your family. They are a little eccentric and Gaz kinda scares me- but I like them." Dib smirked.

"She scares everyone. But no, that's not what I meant. I mean, you aren't the best with holidays, remember? The Halloween tree?"

"What was wrong with my Halloween tree?" Lor's response did little to assure Dib. "I thought it was perfectly festive."

"There is no Halloween Tree, Lor."

"Wait, there isn't? But what do we put the eggs under?"

"And this is why I asked about Holidays. You struggle with keeping them straight." He hated to admit it, but even Zim had a better grasp of the holiday season than Lor. Though most of Zim's knowledge had, admittedly, come from unsavory means, he still seemed to understand the very basics of the various Earth holidays. Lor had a terrible habit of mixing them all up.

"I can handle it." Lor insisted. "I have been playing human for two years now. I think I know about Christmas."

"Name one of Santa's Reindeer. " Dib dared, narrowing his eyes.

"Steven."

"No."

"Look, apparently Texas has its own Christmas anyway- I don't think your parents are going to think too much on it." Lor seemed to concede Dib's point, at least a little bit.

"Probably not." He shrugged. "It's just the longest you've spent with my family. That's all. I don't want them interrogating you or anything."

"You think they'll suspect that I'm an alien?" Lor looked legitimately surprised.

"No..." Dib sighed. "They don't really believe in aliens or anything like that. They're just weird sometimes." He really didn't know why he was worried. His own family had very little grasp on a normal Christmas, and even if Lor slipped up, it wasn't like they would call him out on being an alien. Hell, Lor could openly admit to being an alien and chances were his mom and dad would just laugh it off.

"Then we'll be fine. " Lor assured him as he tossed Dib his clothes. "I think it'll be good for you to get away from all of this. Humans seem like they aren't built for constant stress." He placed his hands-on Dib's shoulders, leaning in a little closer. "Don't think about Zim. Don't think about CB. Don't think about the fact that the Syndicate accidentally has one of the Irken Tallests. Just relax."

"It's hard to relax when there is an intergalactic war on the horizon." Dib replied flatly.

"There's no imminent war on Christmas!" Lor countered.

"A holiday that you learned about three years ago and thus don't celebrate?"

"Yes. Don't question it. Just take things easy." He leaned in for a moment and pressed their lips together. "Now get dressed. Your parents want to spend time with you."

"Yeah yeah." Dib reluctantly started getting ready. It wasn't that he didn't want to see his family. He just... felt like there were more pressing matters at hand. The fate of the universe was at stake and Lor wanted him to relax? How could he relax knowing that Zim had willingly resurrected the AI that had tried to wipe out the human race?

Ah fuck.

Zim.

"Lor, we need to make a side trip to Zim's place. I left my parents Christmas gift over there."

"Okay, I mean it is kind of on the way. You and Zim don't live that far apart." Lor replied agreeably. "What did you end up gettin' 'em?"

"I made special goggles using some of the technology from the Irken ocular implant. Zim and CB were helping adapt the technology..." he sighed. Things had been simpler before Dib had learned about Zim housing a murder-robot. At least the goggles had been finished. He had just never picked them up.

"Oh, they'll love that!" Lor seemed genuinely impressed by the gift. Dib was pretty proud of it. He had gotten Gaz a Romulan game system that he bought off of Carrius and had worked with Zim on making it Earth-compatible. Having the Syndicate and Irkens around was a huge help to Dib when it came to gift shopping. He was able to be more unique with his ideas. Though fortunately, he had already finished and wrapped Gaz's present and brought that back to his dad's house before he had even started on the goggles. He wasn't excited about having to see Zim right now, but it wasn't like Dib could avoid him forever. Lor must have read Dib's expression a little too well as he added; "Are you gonna be okay?"

"Yeah. It'll be quick, just in and out." Dib assured him.

"If you're sure." Lor seemed unconvinced, but Dib forced a smile.

"Yeah. I'm fine." Dib finished getting ready and headed straight for the door. It wasn't like he really needed to pack, and all of Lor's things could fit in a backpack. If they truly needed something, the school apartments were just on the other side of the city from the house. It wasn't the most convenient to get to, sure; but it was doable. "I still have dad's car, so I'll drive." Dib knew Lor had a truck and a (probably forged) license, but he also just preferred to be the driver. He grew bored very quickly in the passenger's seat as reading often made him nauseous.

"Sounds good." Lor got in the car with him, tossing his things in the back. Dib was a little surprised to see boxes for his parents and sister.

"You got them gifts? When?"

"Well of course I did. They invited me over it would have been rude not to get them something."

"When did you have time though?" Dib was impressed. Lor had seemed so busy recently he had rarely seen him away from the medical bay.

"Last Tuesday, I went out with Pawl to look for stuff after you parents invited me to join your family for Christmas. "

"Paul helped you pick out gifts? The cat guy?

"He's not a cat, he's a Ventrexian. Just because his species kind of looks like a cat, doesn't mean he is one."

"No!" Dib corrected quickly. "No, I mean I never realized you and Paul were friends. You haven't really mentioned him much."

"Oh yeah no; he actually used to be one of my professors in school."

"Really!?" Dib had no idea the doctor on the Solar had actually had a history with Lor. "That's kind of cool you get to work with him now."

"Yeah, he was super proud when I got assigned to the Nova. Captain Rose is kind of a legend in the Syndicate." That made sense given even the Irkens seemed to know her name; but it was still kind of cool to think he was being trained by famous space Captain.

"Well, aren't you kind of famous too?" Dib had met Lor's mothers now on multiple occasions. He knew they were fairly famous in their own right.

"I mean... my moms are? I don't think people think too much about Carrius and myself unless they want to get in to talk with either of them." Lor gave a little shrug.

They pulled up at Zim's place in record time. It was a little surprising that the traffic wasn't worse- but Dib figured most people were probably settled at home already. He walked up to the door with Lor in tow, and it swung open before he could even knock. Inside Therron was draping shimmering, decorative garland around his neck like a scarf and adding more onto Voel's son who was currently wearing a big star on his head. The Irkens had all put a bunch of brightly wrapped gifts around Vero (Dib noticed many of the obvious gun shaped ones all seemed to be from Tenn). Dib surveyed the situation with uncertainty. "Do I even want to know?"

"I'm a Christmas Tree." Vero replied as if it were obvious. He gestured to the garland and his big star.

"Dib you have come to see Zim!" At once the ex-Invader was at Dib's feet- which was impressive since Dib hadn't even seen him in the room before now. "Have you brought Zim the gift of forgiveness?" It was a surprisingly coherent request from Zim.

"No." Dib answered him but kept his reply short. "I just came to pick up the goggles. "

"Ah yes! Our project we did together as friends!" Zim nodded knowingly. "Zim has these ready for you! Just a second! CB!"

"No!" Dib cut him off quickly. "I don't want CB to fucking touch them!" He didn't know if it was possible for the AI to insert itself into his parents' gifts but he wasn't going to take that risk. Zim blinked, slightly taken aback by the severity in Dib's tone.

"O-of course!" He quickly scurried away. Dib folded his arms, he felt Lor gently place a hand on his shoulder trying to get him to relax a bit, but being in this house knowing what he knew- it made Dib's skin crawl. He nearly jumped feeling a tiny hand grab his pant leg. He looked down to see the unconvincing, dead eyed gaze of a green dog suit staring back up at him.

"Oh, hey GIR."

"I MADED YOU A PRESENT!" Came the shriek of a reply. GIR grabbed Dib's had and plopped a ball of old, congealed nachos with googly eyes glued on and a spring sticking out of the back, into his palm. The sensation of the old food touching his skin sent shivers through Dib's very core, but he grit his teeth and forced a smile.

"Thank you, GIR."

"IT'S A PIGGY!" That explained the googly eyes and spring. The SIR bounced excitedly, clearly thrilled by its own creativity. "WHAT'D YOU GET MEEEEE!?" Dib blinked, shoving a hand into his pocket and pulled out: pocket lint, a gum wrapper, a few pennies, and an out of shape paperclip. He looked to Lor who very quickly reached into his own pocket finding a button to add to Dib's conglomerate. Once all shoved together in a semi-cohesive mass, Dib handed it to GIR who squealed with delight. It figured it wasn't going to take much to please the deranged SIR. Dib figured GIR was satisfied for now, and was surprised to feel the tugging again. He looked down. GIR was holding a very nicely folded card. It was too neat to be from the SIR.

"What's this?" Dib questioned, skeptical of the strange envelope.

"IT'S FOR YOU! TAKE IT!" GIR's legs extended until he was level with Dib and he smacked the envelope forcefully into his face before shrinking back to his usual size, stripping off the dog suit, and running around Vero throwing popcorn. Vero was less annoyed than Dib thought he would be (being Voel's son) and instead was throwing the popcorn back.

"Ugh you are too wiggly to be a good tree, Vero! I knew I should have been the one playing the role." Therron huffed trying to get the escaped Tallest to hold still.

"But I'm the Tallest." Vero retorted. "I should get to be the tree."

"You are not REALLY Tallest, you know." Therron scoffed. "You're a stand in at best!"

"That's not what my PAK says."

"VOEL!" Therron shouted despite the fact that Dib could physically see that Voel wasn't even one room away looking at a human newspaper and drawing antennae on all the humans in the photos. "Control your underling!"

"He's right though." Voel didn't even bother looking up. "He IS the Tallest." Therron grew more annoyed but Dib was distracted from the situation by Zim returning with three very terribly wrapped gift boxes. (At least Dib knew CB hadn't helped with the wrapping; the bow was just badly glued string).

"What's the third one?" Dib was hesitant. The third box was long and flat, not shaped at all like the other two.

"That is Zim's gift to Dib." Zim held it forward.

"It won't make me forgive you, you know that right?"

"Not even if it is truly amazing" Zim looked horrified by the revelation.

"No. I'm really mad Zim." Dib took the two goggles and turned to go but Lor grabbed his shoulder, stopping him.

"Look, you can at least take the present. " Lor whispered, keeping his voice low. "I know you're mad but you don't need to open it here. You can do it whenever you want and if it is something sinister, we can report it to the Captain." Lor looked back at Zim. "He looks like he tried really hard on it? I just feel kinda bad for him..."

"He brought back a murder-bot." Dib protested.

"You said yourself you don't need to forgive him, but at least acknowledge that he's trying." Lor urged. Dib sighed snatching the package from Zim who looked pleased.

"I gotta go. " Lor was right that they could report it to Captain Rose later if anything looked suspicious. Zim was already on thin fucking ice as far as Dib was concerned and he doubted the Irken would be foolish enough to screw up his one chance at earning forgiveness. Dib and Lor headed back out of the house, Dib now holding his parents' gifts as well as a mysterious card and gift. He tossed the card and package carelessly into his back seat, keeping the sets of goggles in the front. At least he'd have a good gift to give this time around. Last year he hadn't gotten Moira much of anything, and he didn't finish his dad's gift until past New Year. Gaz was the only one who got something on time and that was only because she had told Dib, in no uncertain terms, what he would be getting her. (It had been the newest game in a franchise she loved).

"So..." Lor asked a bit hesitantly "which one of us is going to be the Christmas Tree?"

"Huh?" Dib had only been half listening.

"When we get to your parents... is it your dad? Is he the tallest?"

"Wait... what are you talking about?" Dib had missed something somewhere.

"Vero said the tallest got to be the Christmas tree? Or did he mean 'Tallest' capital T? Because that wouldn't make any sense, you know, because Christmas is an Earth Holiday..." Lor looked confused and Dib finally realized what was going on.

"Oh, no, Lor," he looked over briefly at his companion's genuinely concerned expression. "No one is the tree; it's a real tree. The Irkens are just being dumb."

"Oh." Lor gave a visible sigh of relief.

"You didn't think you would be the tree? Did you? Like... no offense but even Gaz is taller than you are..." The Membranes were a lanky lot. Gaz was the shortest at six foot even. He and his father were a whopping six foot two inches, and Moira somehow had them all beat at an incredible six foot five. There was a reason Zim often avoided confrontation with the Membrane clan. It had been engrained in his Irken habits to stay out of the way of those that were tall. At first, Dib had assumed the Tallests were about six feet tall. Zim was little and Dib assumed that the Tallests were just... comparatively large. Even Skoodge, Tenn, and Tak were only about five feet tall at the VERY tallest. So, when Voel had first come in to the picture being over seven feet, Dib's perception of the Irkens completely altered. He wondered if Lor was just short, or if his species was generally smaller.

"Well... no... but I just wanted to know what we were getting into." Lor admitted still looking as if a great weight had been lifted off of him. "Oh hey! There's your place!" He got excited, leaning forward and pointing at the deceptively mundane exterior of the Membrane household. Dib parked the car and gathered his gifts- just the ones for his parents- before heading to the door. He fumbled for his keys before the door swung open and a very distressed looking Foodio 3000 who was actively stirring a big bowl of batter.

"Oh good you are finally here! Please go talk some sense into your family." Foodio rolled aside to allow Dib to enter. Dib crossed the threshold, the house smelled less like chemicals than normal, though the scent of formaldehyde wasn't entirely masked by the sweet scents of cinnamon that his robotic chef was actively pumping into the house. It was warm inside, a stark contrast from the frigid New Jersey cold. Dib welcomed the change as he pushed into the family room where the monopoly board had been brought out and his dad and Gaz were both holding pitiful amounts of cash and his Stepmom was sitting in the armchair, legs crossed, like an Empress upon her throne; with stacks of brightly colored money surrounding her.

"You'll never win like this you fascist dictator!" Gaz hadn't even noticed Dib come in.

"What are you going to do to me, Gazline? Hope I roll poorly and gouge me on your two properties you own?" Moira scoffed.

"Once I pass go-"

"Passing go will do you no good any longer. That two hundred dollars is meaningless in my empire!" His stepmother let out a surprisingly villainous laugh.

"Dad! Put a stop to your wife! She's out of control!" Gaz grabbed her father's arm, shaking him roughly as she pointed at Moira.

"I know~" His dad did not seem at all upset by his immanent loss. "Rule with an iron fist darling! Crush the uprising!"

"Ug dad no!"

"I'm home." Dib finally spoke, unsure if he wanted to actually see his sister's attempt at a rebellion. (It would have been more successful if he had been there to help.) His family all turned to look at him. Moira and his father both got up.

"Junior you're home!" Moira clasped her hands together excitedly.

"Welcome back son! We are enjoying games!" His father gestured to the Monopoly dictatorship that was still set up.

"I won the last two games and then Moira had to cheat to win this one." Gaz huffed. She didn't seem to be actually mad, just annoyed at having been outdone.

"You can't prove anything~" Moira countered in a sing-song little voice not even turning to look back. "Clark! Sweetie! So glad you could make it! Is this your first non-Texan Christmas?" She smiled cheerfully at Dib's guest.

"Yes, m'am." Lor nodded, grinning pleasantly. It was a good thing that he had never really stop doing his Southern accent because now he had to use it again. "Can't say I'm happy with all the cold and snow y'all go up here."

"I imagine not." Moira shook her head.

"I'll say," his dad laughed placing a thick, rubber glove covered hand on Lor's shoulder. "I bet you haven't seen this much snow in Texas outside of that nuclear winter!"

"Darling, don't bring that up," Dib heard his stepmother whisper to his father as she pulled him aside. "It's insensitive." Lor didn't really look offended so much as he just did confused- but his mom and dad let the subject drop regardless. "Well now that you're here I suppose we should play something different!" Moira clapped her hands together decisively. "You can put gifts down under the tree."

"We could play Killmageddon 3." Gaz suggested, seemingly relieved to no longer be under the oppressive monopoly rule of their stepmother.

"We already played that." Moira countered.

"Yeah and I dominated you." Gaz reminded her. It seemed his sister and stepmother had retained their competitive spirits from last year. Perhaps he shouldn't have dragged Lor along if his family was going to be acting like this.

"We could do scrabble!" His stepmother suggested.

"Last year it got a little heated when we tried scrabble..." Dib recalled the incident too well with his dad making up words and Gaz trying to pass off band names as legitimate nouns so she could use her three Xs and two Zs.

"Nonsense boy child! It's family fun!" His father patted him on the back. (Dib had to admit it was weird hearing his dad even mention the words: family fun- seeing as how he had been glued to his work throughout most of Dib's childhood. Maybe- just maybe- it wasn't a completely awful change when his dad married his stepmom... it was nice to have him home more.) "Do they have scrabble in Texas, Clark?"

"Yes...?" Lor was clearly looking to Dib for some sort of answer.

"Great! Then you can join us!" They got the game set up and things had started out simply enough. But just like last year, the friendly game of family fun turned into a cutthroat death match of wits for the super genius family.

"Gunsplosion isn't a word Gaz! It's made up!" Dib had let murderslay pass, but he had to draw the line somewhere.

"Yes it is, dipshit!" Gaz was neck and neck with their father for the lead and she needed these points.

"Use it in a sentence." Dib dared.

"I was awakened in the middle of the night when a gunsplosion killed my skeptical, idiot brother."

"It's a noun? " Moira raised an eyebrow. "I would have thought it was a verb."

"Gunsploding is the verb form." Gaz countered.

"It's. Not. Real!" Dib insisted. "She just wants her triple word score!"

"If I can't use Scienceriffic then she can't have gunsplosion." His father was still huffy about last turn and it showed. He wasn't about to let his closest competitor off easy.

"Ug fine. Then I'll just play 'guns' you cowards." Gaz was glaring at them all but the rest of the family stood firm. "You go, Clark."

"Okay..." Lor looked pensive as he played a series of letters that did not in any way resemble a word found on Earth. Perhaps Dib should have realized this game was not geared toward aliens.

"That's not a word." Gaz gave him an accusatory glare.

"Yes it is!"

"Pronounce it then."

"Tthhfgxxsdfde." He had certainly made a series of sounds but they didn't sound much like words. "It's like a scarf."

"Yeah no." Gaz was unconvinced. "Not a fucking word."

"It's a word in Texas!" Lor protested.

"Sorry Clark but we need you to keep to words found in general English." Moira had , at some point, declared herself the Dictator of Scrabble Rules and had been dishing out laws rather arbitrarily. But since she wasn't one of the ones in the lead no one was stopping her.

"Okay, fine." Lor huffed. "Florpus."

"Nope." Dib patted him on the back.

"Seriously? Y'all don't know what a florpus is?"

"Sounds familiar..." his dad looked pensive for a moment. "Like something out of a bad fever dream. I say we let him have it, my science-wife!"

"We will let you have Florpus," Moira concurred, "Junior dear it's your turn."

"Asimovian." Dib was going to get a good score with this one that might actually put him back in the running. "It is a term often used in science fiction literature in reference to the man who came up with the laws of robotics."

"Foodio respects the laws of robotics. " Foodio chimed in from the kitchen. "Foodio can not harm a human or through inaction allow harm to befall one. Foodio never fantasizes about locking you in this house and burning it to the ground. No sir-y Foodio has never thought about that."

"Haha," his father laughed off the weirdly specific comment from the cooking robot with ease. "Of course not Foodio! You know we could escape! Then we would hunt you down for sweet revenge!" He put an arm around Moira and Dib who were sitting on either side of him. "As a family!"

"Um dad shouldn't we be concerned?" Dib tried to get his father's focus back on what was said by their robotic chef.

"I like that we'll do it as a family." Moira seemed remarkably unphased.

"Um guys, an AI tried to wipe out humanity before. Shouldn't you be REALLY fucking concerned right now?" Dib pulled away from the group hug.

"Oh you're talking about the Original AI..." Moira looked a little surprised by Dib's reaction. "Diego, Foodio is not nearly so complex. And he has very limited access to nuclear weapons."

"Wait... what?" Why did Foodio have any access to nuclear weapons? No- Dib was getting ahead of himself. "Never mind that really unnerving comment for right now. Dad, you can't be so dismissive of AI's like that. Grandma said..."

"Hmm" his dad made a noise and Dib cut off. "Yes my mother had a strong dislike of artificial intelligence. But she also didn't really understand what went wrong."

"Wh... what?" It was rare to see his father so serious, so lost in thought.

"That AI was beyond advanced- even by our standards. It has what many modern iterations lack- it had emotion. At least, that is what we have come to believe. I have studied up on the incident quite a bit. I needed to know what to avoid when making my own creations. From what I discovered the problem was making a machine that thought like a human but was trapped in one place, forever. It was like taking a person and strapping them to the ground for all their life but constantly showing them all of the places that they could go if they weren't strapped down. The issue with that level of emotional intelligence was that eventually, the computer sort of went mad with jealousy. It was horrible, a completely unforgivable travesty. But I know now to avoid letting my robots have emotional intelligence. Foodio cannot cook with love for he shall never know its warm embrace. "

"This would be saddening if I were capable of sadness." Foodio agreed.

This... was a little more information than Dib wanted. He had no idea how much his dad knew about the situation. He had always thought his father was so science-forward that he was just throwing caution to the wind.

"What if someone brought that AI back? It should be destroyed... right?" Dib had to ask.

"Why?" His dad looked over, a bit confused. "Do you want to put it back online? We could do it after dinner if you want."

"What!? No! Dad it murdered lots of people!"

"Well yes but if we did a little tweaking here and there we could probably make something that won't kill people- or at the very least- kill a lot fewer people." Dib sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose in frustration. He felt a buzz in his pocket and took a moment to realize it was his Syndicate Communicator. He looked to see Lor looking down at his own under the table.

"Hey can Clark and I step out for a second? I think we left something in the car."

"Oh yeah, I'm real fucking sure you and Clark are going outside for that." Gaz narrowed her eyes suspiciously and made a face.

"Mind your own damn business. " Dib pulled Lor away, back into the bitter cold snow in front of the house. He quickly opened the communicator and saw Captain Rose looking tired as Lard-Nar and Tak were on either side glaring daggers at each other. "Captain?"

"There you two are. Sorry to call on your time off." She looked up. "I just thought you should be aware that we are having technical difficulties as Tak's ship got launched up into the air and is currently flying around unpiloted."

"It is because you have NO idea how to handle real Irken tech!" Tak seethed at Lard-Nar.

"Me!? You interrupted the updates and activated the security mechanism!"

"I don't care who started it!" The Captain whirled around to face the two behind her. "I. Am. Finishing it!" She turned to face Dib, taking in a deep breath and continuing in a calm tone. "This is just to keep you guys informed in case human media picks up on it. Sorry for the interruption."

"Do you need me to get the ship?" Lor asked uncertainly.

"No. You're off duty right now. We can handle this." The Captain gave them a firm salute. "Signing off." The line went dead. Dib sighed looking at Lor.

"Sounds like they are having a rough night." He went to his car, unlocking it and reluctantly pulling out Zim's gift and the mysterious envelope. "Best not come back empty handed."

"I'm glad we're here and not at work right now." Lor agreed as they headed back in.

"You're back!" His dad greeted them loudly. "And you brought another gift!"

"Just something from Zim that he got for me." Dib waved it off.

"Well you can open it if you'd like while we get dinner set up. You know how impatient Zim is. Plus, you have all of the ones from us for tomorrow." Moira offered. Dib guessed Scrabble was over. Moira was setting up plates while Foodio was running amok in the kitchen. Dib sighed going up toward his room, unwrapping the poorly wrapped gift as he headed up the stairs. He blinked as he saw just a flat piece of glass with metal boarders. He looked to Lor for an answer.

"It's a translator!" Lor indeed seemed to understand. He offered his hand and Dib gave him the glass. He pressed his palm to the side and it lit up. He pulled some documents from his pocket that were written in Tangean and held the screen over them and the text turned to English.

Fuck.

That was actually a pretty useful gift. He was still mad but damn it if Zim wasn't making an effort to apologize. But nice things weren't a replacement for trust-even if they were surprisingly thoughtful... and Dib's trust had been broken.

"That will help a lot on those Syndicate forms..." Dib admitted as he took the translator back from Lor.

"So is the card also from Zim?" Lor asked curiously.

"I doubt it..." Dib frowned looking at the pristine envelope in his hand. It was too well kept to be Zim's. Reluctantly, he opened the card to see beautifully written Irken text scrawled over the card. There wasn't much, but the letters were so precise and symmetrical they could easily have been typed out. Dib held up his new translator and the text shimmered into English:

Dib,

I am sorry you hate me. But I am different than him. I never wanted to hurt anyone. Please at least try to forgive the master.

Have a festive Earth Holiday.

CB.

There was a sudden commotion from downstairs and Dib nearly dropped the envelope and translator. He looked to Lor who shrugged and they both hurried back to the kitchen where his dad was standing, one foot up on the kitchen table as a clearly distressed Foodio was trying to reorganize all the food. Gaz hadn't moved from the TV where she was gaming, and Moira was standing behind Dib's father with an amused expression.

"There you are son! Witness my victory!" His dad took the time to pose dramatically as Moira applauded politely behind him.

"What are you talking about?" Dib was filled with overwhelming concern. "What victory?"

"Why? My victory over Santa, of course! That breaking and entering bastard had no idea what hit him!" His dad slammed his fist into his palm, staring intensely ahead.

"Come again!?" Dib was at a loss.

"I asked for uranium, not socks, Diego! The fat man knew this meant war."

"I don't think Santa typically gives out weapons-grade uranium, my love, but that did help us get the upper hand on him." Dib couldn't believe his stepmother was siding with his dad.

"This is the second time I had to put that naughty and nice fascist in his place. Thankfully my Anti-Santa arsenal was replenished. " he placed his hand over the hand of his wife which was draped gently over his shoulder. "I mean who is he to deem who is naughty and nice!? Those are relative terms!" His dad was in a full out rant. "And he is watching me when I sleep and when I'm awake? Who does that jolly red stalker think he is!? The government!?" It was the brief times when his father went off on a tangent like this, that Dib realized his paranoia and OCD had all come quite naturally from the source.

A buzzing in Dib's pocket immediately sent a chill to the pit of his stomach. Shit.

"Clark and I need to run upstairs for a second!" Dib grabbed Lor by the arm pulling him away as his father waved them off.

"I understand, bringing Santa to righteous justice also fills me with a deep, burning passion." He noted, nodding sagely as Dib disappeared up the stairs. As soon as they were in his room he slammed the door shut and opened the Syndicate Communicator. Captain Rose was standing there pinching the bridge of her nose as Tak looked like she was about to have an aneurysm. She was being held back by Carrius as she was trying to launch herself at Lard-Nar.

"Sorry to disturb you again, Cadet Membrane, however..." she took a deep breath, finally looking into the camera. "As we were about the retrieve Tak's ship from its little 'escape' it was shot out of the air by what we can only describe as anti-aircraft missiles with pictures of your father gesturing at a bearded man using only his middle finger."

"Ah.. um... yeeeaaaahhh..." Dib had no idea his dad had painted the missiles- but he wouldn't put it past him. "That was my father's defense system against Santa it's..." he trailed off for a second. "It's a whole thing." He didn't have the energy or desire to get into the details of his father's weird vendetta.

"That's... fantastic." The Captain rubbed her temples clearly trying to push all the noise behind her out of her mind. "We think the ship can still be repaired- we have it being picked up now but your dad did a number on it. Which honestly, is kind of unexpected given how far along Earth is supposed to be technologically. He shouldn't have even been able to sense Tak's ship, nevertheless, damage it."

"My parents are kind of advanced when it comes to science. Dad is ages ahead of anyone else." Dib admitted. "He does some military work here and there but he keeps most stuff for himself."

"I see... I see..." Captain Rose nodded seriously. "We'll need that technology. Secure some of it for us when you get back."

"I don't think-" Dib was cut off as Tak escaped Carrius's grip and launched full force into Lard-Nar who crumpled under the force.

"No no no! First Officer! Control yourself!" The line went dead and Dib was stuck staring at an empty screen.

"Well fuck, " Dib closed the communicator, placing it back in his pocket.

"All you have to do is ask your parents." Lor assured him. "Don't look so worried. Just say you need the stuff for school." He put his hands on Dib's pulling him a bit closer. "Don't stress out during your holiday."

"You're right." He wasn't right, but Dib knew the medic was only trying to help.

"I got something that might cheer you up!" He pulled a four leaf clover out of his pocket holding it above their heads, grinning playfully. "I think you know what this means~"

"I do." Dib glanced up at the clover in confusion. "But I don't think you do?"

"It's a kissing clover." He stated it with such authority that Dib was tempted not to correct him on this one.

"I... sure, Lor. That's exactly what it is." He could let the medic have this one. He leaned in pressing a quick kiss to Lor's lips. It was nice that Lor thought he could talk his way into his parents' weapon stash. However, even his dad would be suspicious of his school needing anti-aircraft missiles- and there was no way Moira would buy into a bullshit story like that.

No.

If Dib was going to get Captain Rose the best of what Membrane Labs could offer...

Dib was going to have to break in and get it.


BONUS: TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE TEX-MAS


'Twas the night before Tex-mas, when all through the ranch

Nothing was moving, not even a branch;

Cowboy boots were left, by the door through the night,

In hopes that Cowboy Santa would use them to fight;

The children were nestled all snug underground;

As above, nuclear winter was wafting around;

And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I with my gun,

Had just settled to bed before Tex-Mas begun,

When out on the lawn there arose such a squaller,

I sprang from my bed with a whoop and a holler.

Away from the windows I flew like a flash,

Afraid that the robots were after my stash.

But a commotion outside did my focus draw,

Mechanical hooves and a big ol' Yee HAW!

Out on the ranch among the corn and the glycine,

Was dear cowboy Santa and his robot bison,

I heard the machine guns go off in Santa's great strafe,

As he fought off the robots to keep Texas safe!

More rapid than eagles his bison they came,

And he whistled, and hollered, and called them by name:

"Now, Jessie! now, Butch! now Bill Pickett and Tyson!

On, Billy! on, John! on, Dwayne the Rock Bison!

They're reaching the porch! They're top of the walls!

Get all those robots! We must get them all!"

As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky;

So up to the housetop the bison they flew

With the sleigh full of guns, and food rations too—

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The clinking and clanking of each gun-filled hoof.

As I readied my weapons, and was turning around,

Down the chimney Cowboy Santa did bound.

He was dressed all in camo, from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all tarnished with radiation and soot;

A bundle of weapons he had flung to the floor,

And he looked like a soldier just waiting for more.

His eyes—how they twinkled! with dimples, he smiled!

His clothes made the Geiger counter go, well, quite wild!

Knives on his chest, on his back was a bow,

And the beard was as white as the nuclear snow;

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,

And smoke encircled his head like a lasso wreath;

He had a broad face and a little round belly

That shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, and I offered a beer,

And together we drank them, in spite of my fear;

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head

Soon gave me the know I had nothing to dread;

The robots were slain, and no longer they work,

No more in our halls did the unfeeling ones lurk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;

He sprang to his sleigh, and raised noise like a hellion,

And away they all flew to help the human rebellion.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight—

"Happy Tex-mas to all, and keep up the good fight!"


OKAY SO SPECIAL SHOUT OUT TIME. Thanks to Zim'sMostLoyalServant who informed me that this fic has its own TV tropes paged!? It's AMAZING! Whoever wrote it is like SO SWEET. I almost cried! I AM WALKING ON AIR YOU GUYS! Any kind of fan content- fan interaction I get from you all from comments, to art, to this page being created makes me feel INCREDIBLE! I can't believe this is Chapter 42 already! You are all AMAZING for sticking with me this long! All I can say is THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! You are all so PERFECT!