Chapter 9
The wallpaper was peeling off in interesting patterns, Harry noticed. He wondered if it had had help or if it was just falling off due to age. He would have thought someone would have placed a sticking charm on it at some point, but as far as he could tell, no one had gotten to that level of restoration in the drawing-room. To Harry, it just made the room look more depressing.
It wasn't as if Harry didn't have enough reasons to be feeling down. He was currently sitting on a mildewy velvet couch awaiting his execution, after all. Across from him, the ordinarily exuberant Weasley twins were looking anything but bubbly. They were looking positively grim. At least they didn't seem to be blaming Harry for the predicament they were all in. None of their glowers were directed at him.
On the other hand, Ginny made no secret that she was angry at her brothers and at Harry. She refused to look at any of them. Her arms were crossed tight around her chest, and the only sound she made was the occasional angry huff.
"Have you ever noticed, Brother George, the resemblance between our Little Sis and a nesting dragon?" Fred mused, returning his sister's glare.
"Stuff it, George," was Ginny's only response.
Fred grinned at Harry, who managed a soft smile in return. Harry was, unfortunately, no stranger to being in trouble. He had been in this same position, waiting for an authority figure, many times in his life. In primary school, Dudley had enjoyed blaming things on Harry. At Hogwarts, that role usually fell to Malfoy. Snape never listened to his side of the story. He always just punished him and ignored him.
Then again, Harry thought miserably, he didn't really have a side. He had gone along with it—all of it. If Snape called him an idiot or a fool, he deserved it. He wanted to be angry at the twins for talking him into it or angry at Snape for making him go in the first place, but it was no use.
"What's taking them so long?" Harry mumbled, mostly to himself.
"Oh, they're each agreeing which part of your hide to take," Fred responded conversationally.
"Right," George agreed. "You are an important person, Harry Dear. Can't just let one person punish you. They all want a piece."
Harry looked at them in horror.
"They're kidding," Ginny reassured Harry, telling her brothers, "Leave him alone. Can't you see he's worried enough as it is?"
While he wanted to say it wasn't true, Harry had enough experience with an angry Snape to know better. He had also seen the look on Snape's face when he had Apparated them back to Grimmauld Place. His guardian hadn't said more than three words to Harry, and two of them were, "Sit down!"
The door burst open, and Molly Weasley came bustling in, followed by Sirius. Harry hung his head. He didn't want to see Snape, but he didn't particularly want to see either of them. He felt both frustrated and ashamed by everything that had happened. He didn't want to admit that he had done anything wrong, but he felt bad enough to realize that maybe he had.
"How could you!" Mrs. Weasley started off. "Breaking security. Well, I never!"
"Molly …," Sirius started to say, but she wouldn't let him get a word in edgewise.
"What were you two thinking, getting Harry mixed up in this!" Mrs. Weasley yelled, her voice close to a screech. She descended on Fred and George so fast that even Harry flinched. "You could have been killed! He could have been killed! How could you take an innocent boy like that into such a place?"
"Mum!" Fred protested, "He's not so innocent."
"Yeah," George agreed. "He fights dragons!"
"And basilisks!" said Fred.
"And You Know Who!" said George.
"Not if he doesn't have to!" Molly yelled. "This is not a joke, young man!"
That last comment seemed to be directed at both of them as if they were one person, something the twins didn't seem to object to. Molly spun around and turned her ire on Harry next. He saw her eyes and winced, knowing what was coming next.
"And you! How could you?" she demanded. "I thought you had more sense!"
"Hey now," Sirius said. "This one's mine."
Any hopes Harry'd had that Sirius was there to defend him instead of scolding him went out with that. He still didn't know where Snape was, but he figured that of the two, he was better off with his godfather. Apparently, the former Marauder wasn't going to let his personal history of pranks and hijinks influence him.
"It wasn't my fault," Harry mumbled.
"Not your fault?" Sirius said, folding his arms and looking down at Harry. "They tied you up and kidnapped you? They dragged you off to Knockturn Alley?"
"Well, no," Harry admitted.
"Then you went willingly," Sirius stated.
'Willingly' wouldn't be a word Harry would want to use. He hadn't even been in Diagon Alley willingly. It was all Snape's fault for making him go shopping, and he planned to tell the man as much—if he lived that long.
Sirius seemed to take Harry's silence as an acknowledgment. He let out a grunt of frustration and turned to Molly Weasley. The two exchanged a purely parental look. Harry crossed his arms and slid down on the sofa. He hadn't known Sirius had it in him.
"You're grounded," Molly declared, stabbing her finger at the twins, "don't ask me for how long because I haven't decided yet. When your father gets here, he will see to the rest of your punishment." The twins lost some of their happy-go-lucky bravado at that pronouncement. "And all of you," she looked around to be sure that Ginny and Harry knew they were included in this part of the sentencing, "will be meeting her tomorrow bright and early for cleaning duty."
Ginny wrinkled her nose, and the twins made a face, but otherwise, no one said anything. Harry was surprised he was going to be allowed to return. He assumed Snape was going to lock him up and throw away the key for this fiasco.
"Well, then," Ms. Weasley said, calming down now that she had said her piece. "Off you go, Harry. Your … Severus is waiting for you."
Harry didn't need to be told twice. He hopped up and darted out of the room while the twins made the sound of the funeral march after him as their mother shouted again. He wanted to find it funny, but he couldn't help agreeing with them. Snape was furious, and he wasn't sure what to expect when they got home.
Sure enough, Snape's coal-black eyes bored into Harry when he joined Snape on the landing. His guardian didn't say a word but simply grabbed him by the arm and led him outside. Harry noticed that despite the man's temper, his touch was firm but not harsh. He found himself hoping that it wouldn't be that bad.
When he had first come to Hogwarts, he could remember being afraid Snape really was out to kill him. He knew Snape wasn't actually evil now. The man had been decent to him. No one else had ever adopted him. Harry wasn't sure why the Dursleys had taken him in at all. He used to think it was out of obligation. Now he was beginning to think they'd been bribed. It was a horrible thought. If they were being paid to take care of Harry, it was probably because Dumbledore had expected them to use the money for Harry's care. Instead, they had always made Harry feel like an unwanted burden.
Snape wasn't treating Harry that way. He had given even him a bedroom. As much as he resented the shopping trip, Harry had to admit that it was nice of Snape to provide him with all new clothes in addition to everything else he'd given him. Still, Harry was finding it hard to reconcile the bullying, belittling Snape he'd known since he was eleven with the one who was suddenly being so nice.
After Apparating them home, Snape let go of Harry's arm and went to the door. Harry watched him release the wards to open it and then followed him inside. He still felt both nervous and angry and was wondering himself which one would win out.
"Go upstairs and put away your new things," Snape ordered in a stern but mostly neutral voice.
"Yes, Sir," Harry decided that complying was the best way to stave off the fireworks for now.
Once he got upstairs, however, Harry didn't move beyond walking inside the door. He heard a tapping on the window and went over to let Hedwig in. Seeing her made him feel only slightly better.
"Hi, Girl," he said sadly, stroking her gently. "I hope you had a better day than I did."
She cocked her head at him as if to ask a question. Harry sighed. The truth was that, although he hadn't wanted to go, the day hadn't been as bad as he'd expected. It had been primarily fun. Even shopping with Ginny hadn't been as bad as he'd expected, though it had definitely been plenty embarrassing at times.
"I'm in pretty big trouble," Harry told Hedwig. "I broke security. Went off with Fred and George to Diagon Alley. It's all Snape's fault, though!"
Hedwig gave him a scolding look and nipped his finger.
"Yeah," Harry said with a sigh. "I doubt that argument's going to work on him either."
"Master Prince!" a high squeaky voice said after a popping sound.
Harry looked around for the voice. He couldn't find anyone. He finally leaned over the side of his bed to see the tiniest elf he'd ever seen. It must have been a child.
"Hi," Harry told it.
"Master Prince," the little elf said in an imitation of pompously but not entirely pulling it off, "you is wanted downstairs at suppertime."
"Okay … uh … I didn't quite catch your name?" Harry said, trying not to laugh at the little elf child trying to act adult.
"My names, Master Prince, is Rupert Grinnert Flinny III!" the elf removed his pointed hat, gave a tremendous bow, lost it, and tipped all the way over. He scrambled to his feet, turning red, and returned the hat.
"Oh, well, nice to meet you, uh, Flinny," Harry said, biting his tongue to keep from laughing.
The elf seemed relieved and popped out of sight. Harry let out the laugh, then remembered the elves might still hear him. He covered his mouth and went downstairs.
By the time he was back downstairs, he no longer felt like laughing. He slid into his chair gingerly, looking up at Snape's stony expression with caution. There was a plate of sandwiches and a bowl of salad. Harry took a couple and some salad, and they ate without a word.
The quiet meal was getting on Harry's nerves, but he knew that he had to eat, or Snape would say something to him. Somehow, he managed to eat most of what he had served himself, though he had to force himself to do it. When Snape vanished the remains of their meal, Harry looked up at him.
"Let us retire to my study then," Snape said grimly. "You and I have a lot to discuss."
"Yes, Sir," Harry said because he knew Snape wanted him to answer verbally.
He followed Snape into the room, which seemed more intimidating than before now that he was in trouble. Snape waved a hand, and a chair flew out to position in front of the desk. He gestured for Harry to sit and then took his own chair behind the desk in a fluid movement of black robes.
Harry sat down and crossed his arms. He frowned. He was not going to sit here and submit to an interrogation, whatever Snape thought. Harry glared at his guardian across the desk. Snape stared back. For some time, neither one moved or spoke.
"I would like to hear some kind of explanation for your behavior today, Harry," Snape finally said.
That was it. He didn't yell. He didn't call Harry names. He didn't even describe Harry's behavior as idiotic or belittle Harry the way he usually would have. Most of these interactions in the past had included Harry standing there trying not to get hit with spittle while a furious Snape shouted at him. He remembered the flying car incident at the beginning of his second year. That had been one of the worst in terms of Snape temper tantrums, but there had been plenty of others. In some cases, Harry had done something to deserve it. Often, he hadn't.
"It wasn't my fault," Harry said, in a voice so low he wasn't even sure Snape heard him.
Snape, however, had excellent hearing. He wasn't referred to as the 'dungeon bat' for nothing. He leaned forward, turning his glare into a ferocious scowl.
"It wasn't your fault?" He repeated. "You did nothing, then? I did not follow you from Madam Malkin's to Borgin and Burkes in Knockturn Alley?"
The way he said this made Harry squirm. Rather than yell, his voice got lower and seemed to get softer with each word so that the last two were nearly whispered. Harry realized he had, in fact, never made Snape properly angry before, but he was undoubtedly angry now.
"I didn't want to go," Harry said, talking more loudly this time, bravado making up for the sick feeling pooling inside of him.
"You didn't want to go to Knockturn Alley?" Snape demanded. "Why did you go then?"
"No!" Harry jumped to his feet, no longer caring about the consequences. "I didn't want to go AT ALL. To Diagon Alley!"
"Do. Not. Shout. At. Me."
Snape enunciated each word, pinning Harry with his eyes as he did so. He stared at Harry, and Harry had the horrible feeling that Snape was trying to get his own temper under control since it was evident that Harry couldn't control his. Harry glared but said nothing.
"Your instructions were to go to Diagon Alley and purchase what was on the list," Snape said coolly. "I gave you several options for accomplishing that task, including a choice of companions. I believe I have been infinitely patient with you. You, on the other hand, are behaving like a brat. There are many occasions when you have to do things that you do not want to do."
Harry seethed, his breath coming in short bursts. He did not know why he was so angry, except that Snape was unfair, calling him names again. He should have known it would come to this. Snape was just pretending to treat him well. The whole adoption was a sham.
"You just wanted to adopt me so that I'd be under your control," Harry said. "I should have never listened to you. You've wanted to control me ever since I GOT to Hogwarts, and now that I'm legally your son, you can. You can do whatever you want to me."
"Harry!" Snape snapped.
"No!" Harry interrupted. "You did this on purpose. You adopted me so that you would get to punish me. Now you can punish me like you've always wanted. I'm already expelled from Hogwarts, and this didn't happen in school anyway. So what will you do, Snape? Will you lock me up? Starve me? Beat me?"
"Harry!" Snape repeated. "Stop this nonsense and listen to me…"
"No!" Harry said. "You listen to ME, Snape. It doesn't matter what you do to me, because you know what? I'm not the pampered prince you thought I was. My life has been HELL for as long as I can remember. Anything you think to do to me, I'm sure they've already done since I could walk. So, go ahead, Snape. Give it your best. Do your worst. It doesn't make a damn bit of difference. You can't break me. I'm already broken."
With that, Harry turned and ran, right out the front door.
He didn't stop running until he got to a thicket of trees where he felt a slight buzzing that got more insistent as he walked through them. Harry realized he was at the edge of the wards. Going out the front door had been pointless. He didn't really know where he was, and he had no way to get anywhere. He really wished he knew how to Apparate.
Now that he had reached the edge of the wards, Snape would know precisely where he was. Harry reached down and grabbed a stone and threw it at a tree in frustration. All he wanted was to get away from Snape, and he had led the man right to him. Harry glowered at the invisible barrier and took a hesitant step forward.
"Don't even think about it."
"Why?" Harry demanded. "What do you care anyway? Why don't you just let them get me? It would make it easier for everyone."
"You don't really believe that."
Harry turned around to face Snape. He had expected to see anger on the man's face, but instead, he saw a different expression. It looked like worry mixed with something that Harry hoped wasn't pity. He didn't want to be pitied by Snape or anybody else. It just made him angrier.
"What good do I do anybody, anyway?" Harry demanded, realizing that all his anger at the last few days was now turning inward. He was as angry at himself as he had been at everyone else.
"You are loved by plenty of people," Snape told him firmly, holding out his arm. "But I think this is a conversation that we need to complete inside. You, young man, are not walking one step closer to those wards."
Harry nodded; all the fight had left him. He took Snape's arm, and they Apparated back to the Prince Manor front porch. Harry followed Snape inside the house with a feeling of complete submission.
Instead of leading Harry back to the study to complete the interrogation, Snape took him to the parlor. Harry hadn't spent much time there before. It was a multipurpose room, neither too formal nor too informal. Harry had found it reasonably cozy when he first looked at it. Right now, he didn't care.
"Make yourself comfortable, Harry," Snape said.
Snape sat down in a large armchair that wasn't quite overstuffed and gestured for Harry to choose between the sofa and a few other armchairs. Harry sat on the couch. He removed his shoes and put his feet up, curling into the corner. He wanted to disappear.
"I think we need to back up a bit, Harry," Snape said. "First of all, I explained to you that I did not take you in because I hate you. I did not adopt you to have more power over you or to torture you. While there might have been some bureaucratic sleight of hand involved because your situation was dire timewise, had Dumbledore come to me—or if you had—I would have agreed."
"Forgive me, Sir, but I have a hard time believing that," Harry said, looking down at his hands. "You've never been anything but awful to me. You're a Death Eater. Why should I trust you? Why should I not believe you want to turn me over to Voldemort at the first opportunity, and you're not just pretending?"
Snape said nothing for so long that Harry looked up at him to see why. He appeared to be reflecting or maybe genuinely regretful. Harry looked back down. He didn't want to feel for Snape. He didn't want to trust him.
"You're right, Harry," Snape finally said. "I have given you little reason to trust me over the years. I played my part well—too well. I thought you were a spoiled little rich boy, as arrogant as your father and even more entitled. You had everything he had and more. He was never as famous as you were, after all."
Harry snorted. Snape had ridiculed him for being arrogant and spoiled since he had arrived at Hogwarts. He had never understood why since he certainly had never acted that way. Snape saw what he wanted to see.
"We are both going to need to start over, Harry," Snape said softly, in a gentle voice Harry had never heard him use before. "I don't know how to convince you that my proposal was genuine, but if you didn't believe it on some level, and I didn't, the magic to bind you to me as my heir would never have worked."
Harry looked up at Snape, surprised. He hadn't known that. Of course, he had wanted to go with Snape, if only to get away from everyone else. That was the problem with having nowhere to go.
"Okay," was all Harry said, shrugging.
"I am not a Death Eater, Harry," Snape said. "I am not going to say that I am no longer a spy because I will continue to operate in the Order in some capacity, though I will no longer be a double agent. I will be training new recruits most likely."
"What, new spies?" Harry demanded.
"Possibly," Snape demurred. "That is none of your concern. I know it is hard for you to understand, but there will be much about the war effort that I cannot, and will not, tell you. You are not a member of the Order, and you will not be one until you are seventeen."
"That's not fair!" Harry said, jumping up.
Before he could continue, Snape put up a hand to forestall further arguments. "It is nonnegotiable, Harry. You have your part to play in this war, unfortunately. It was not chosen for you. It is regrettable. You will be kept busy enough with that."
Harry slumped back onto the sofa in defeat. He should have known Snape wouldn't tell him anything. Everyone seemed determined to treat him like a child.
"Let's move back to the present, shall we?" Snape said in a sterner tone. "I've had enough of your running away when you don't want to face a situation. This is a new behavior in you, and I believe it has developed because you have reached the breaking point of what you can handle. You have done a lot of shouting and running lately, like a toddler throwing tantrums. There is no need for any of it, Harry. You are not alone. You have a dependable parent now, whether you realize it or not. It is a new experience, and you will have to get used to it. I imagine it will be rocky in the beginning, but once you settle in, you might find that having someone set boundaries on you is actually preferable to having to do everything yourself."
Harry stared at Snape in disbelief. He didn't like the sound of that. Harry had always depended on no one but himself. He also didn't like Snape imposing boundaries on him.
"Let's start at the beginning, shall we?" Snape said, leaning forward and steepling his fingers. "Your behavior today was unacceptable. I think that you will agree with me on that if you stop blustering and see sense."
"But—" Harry began.
"Let's take the infractions one at a time," Snape continued, not letting Harry stop him. "First, I was clear on my expectations of you. You were to remain with Lupin at all times, or at least within his sight. I allowed you to go with him and take friends so as not to be embarrassed with the indignity of clothes shopping with a parent. Is this correct?"
In reply, Harry crossed his arms and frowned at the floor. He did remember those instructions, but it didn't change the fact that the whole thing was unfair, to begin with. He refused to answer.
"Harry!"
Snape's sharp tone made Harry's head snap up. He narrowed his eyes at his new guardian, trying to read the situation. The man had been patient with him, but Harry knew this was going nowhere good.
"Yes, Sir," Harry grumbled. "But you were spying on me!"
"Oh, I see," Snape said with something like a snort. "You expected me to allow you into a crowded place with only Lupin and those troublemakers you call friends for protection?"
"Hey!" Harry protested. "They are my friends. And Fred and George are going to be Seventh Years! They must know loads of spells!"
"They must know? Seventh years? Do you even hear yourself? You are making my point for me!" Snape exploded. He stood up and marched over to Harry, kneeling down in front of him until his face was inches away. "I am trying to keep you safe! Has that not gotten through your thick skull?"
Harry leaned back, using his feet to push himself into the cushions of the couch as far as he could go to get away from his angry guardian. "Okay, I get it! But Lupin was the Defense teacher! And he's in the Order!"
"One fully grown wizard. One Order member?" Snape growled.
"Okay," Harry said, defeated. "I get it. I see your point."
Snape leaned back, nodding. He sat back on his heels. "I am not quite sure you do, Harry, and that worries me. I think that you have faced danger and gotten away too often. It has made you underestimate the risks."
"Underestimate? I faced Voldemort! I fought him!" Harry shouted.
"Ahh," Snape leaned back a little, shaking his head. "Let me dissuade you of that little notion, Young Man. You did not fight him."
"What?" Harry said in disbelief. "You don't believe me."
"Don't misunderstand," Snape said, putting up a finger. "I do not doubt your version of events, just your interpretation of them. The version of the Dark Lord you faced was very weak and also extremely distracted. The incident with the wands completely surprised him. If it hadn't been for that, you would be dead."
"I know," Harry said in a haunted voice. "I still have nightmares about it. Wormtail … Cedric … Him … and the wands. All of it. I see it every night."
Snape gave Harry a pained look. He nodded slowly, then leaned forward and patted Harry gently on the arm. Harry wasn't sure how to interpret the gesture, but for once, he was glad for it. That light, gentle touch of reassurance helped.
"We will need to address this too," Snape said suddenly, leaning back and standing up. "I am well aware that you have nightmares and … have experienced trauma. It is important that you deal with it."
"What do you mean, deal with it?" Harry demanded.
"You are going to speak to someone," Snape said, returning to his chair. "That is nonnegotiable."
"I don't want to," Harry said. "I'm fine."
"You are not," Snape said. "When people have been through events such as the ones in your past, even one of the events of which you have experienced many, it is important to talk to someone."
"Talk to who?" Harry asked.
"That will be up to you," Snape said. "We can talk about it, and we will talk about some of it. Since I have authority over you, you may not want to talk to me. You need someone neutral. You can talk to Black …"
Harry began violently shaking his head as soon as Snape mentioned Sirius. There was no way he could tell Sirius about his nightmares, the graveyard, or half of what he had been through. He wouldn't do it, and Snape couldn't make him.
"All right," Snape continued, "There are counselors in the muggle world who are also wizards, as well as mind healers at St. Mungo's."
"No way!" Harry said. "I can't tell a stranger that stuff!"
"Sometimes it's easier to talk to a stranger, Harry," Snape told him gently.
"Have you?" Harry asked, both curious and mulish.
"I should have, perhaps," Snape said. "Do not use me as a model of mental health, Harry. You have seen how I am. You do not want to turn out like me. I do not want you to turn out like me."
"I have secrets, Snape," Harry insisted. "Not just my own, but you know, about the war. I'm not conceited."
"I agree, Harry," Snape said. "You will have more. Counselors and healers are bound by spells. They cannot—literally can not—break confidentiality."
"Oh," Harry said.
"There is also Lupin," Snape said.
"Remus?" Harry considered that.
Remus was easy to talk to and didn't seem judgmental. Although Harry was still a bit angry at him for abandoning him for the fourth year, he might need to get over it. He had few people in his life, after all.
"I am aware that you are angry at him right now, or that you were," Snape said as if reading Harry's thoughts, but he has training both in muggle counseling methods and wizard methods of mind healing. He also knows enough of your past that you might be more comfortable talking to him. He is also at headquarters, and I am willing to have him come here."
"How often?"
"As often as necessary."
Harry grimaced. He did not like the sound of this at all. He had never enjoyed talking to people about himself, and now he was being forced to.
"He's probably angry at me," Harry mused.
"I am sure he has forgiven you," Snape said with a grunt. "The man was a Marauder. Trouble is in his DNA."
Harry smiled at that. He supposed Snape was right. Lupin had gotten into a lot of trouble at Harry's age, after all.
"Okay," Harry said. "I pick Remus."
"Very well," Snape said with a nod. "I will make arrangements for him. I would like you to have your first session with him as soon as possible, so you do not fret about it constantly."
Harry made a face. Snape had a point about that. It would be better to get it over with.
"On to other matters," Snape continued. "Assuming that beginning sessions with Lupin allows you to work on some of your behavior, we should see no more of this running off. Agreed?"
"Yes, Sir," Harry said.
He wasn't really sure why he kept doing it. He didn't want to agree with Snape that he was having a tantrum like some sodding toddler, but then, on the other hand, he did keep acting out of control. There was nothing else to do but agree. He had almost run out of the wards. That was foolish; even Harry could see that.
"I have not been strict with you yet, because you are just settling in, but you have had enough time now," Snape told him. "You seem to have managed to break just about every rule in the short time I have been your guardian. Whether I gave you specific rules or not is irrelevant. Some common sense applies here, and I told you specifically what I wanted from you today."
Without looking up, Harry groaned internally. Here it came. Snape would give him a hundred rules and forbid him from doing anything, going anywhere, or talking to anyone. It would be like a Potions class every day.
"Are you listening, Harry?" Snape demanded.
"Yes, Sir," Harry said softly.
"I have two main rules for you to follow. Most things will fall into one or the other," Snape told him. Harry looked up. "Rule One, you will avoid anything dangerous. This means no dangerous activities or engaging with anything dangerous. Do you understand?"
"Um, so I broke that rule today, huh?" Harry said, only half-joking.
"Indeed, you did," Snape said. "Breaking security by leaving Lupin and going to Knockturn Alley. Any questions on why that was dangerous?"
"No, Sir," Harry sighed.
"Rule Two is that you will obey me or any other adult that is in charge of you. This includes avoiding insolence and disrespect, as you have a tendency toward. The exception to this rule is when it violates Rule One," Snape told him. "Do you understand?"
"So, if an adult tells me to do something dangerous, don't do it?" Harry asked.
"Precisely," Snape said.
"This is about the Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers, isn't it?" Harry said with a grin.
"Not entirely," Snape said with a slight smirk. "However, yes, I would put the idiocy of those individuals in this category. If any professor tries to use an Unforgivable on you, you are to leave the class and find me at once."
With a shudder, Harry remembered those horrible lessons with the imposter Crouch, the Death Eater impersonating Moody. He had been forced to watch as the man pretending to be his teacher had demonstrated the Killing Curse right in front of him on a spider. He had also demonstrated the Imperius on the students, including Harry.
"But, Sir," Harry protested, "I did learn how to fight off the Imperius.
For a moment, Snape was silent, and his face was expressionless. Harry wasn't sure if he was angry or not when it became masklike in this way, and he swallowed slowly. Even if he had said the wrong thing, it was the truth. Crouch had helped him survive Voldemort.
"Yes, Harry," Snape finally said. "I am grateful to Crouch for that. But he was a Death Eater, and you never should have been regularly subjected to an Unforgiveable. I failed you last year. You were right about that. I was too distracted by my anger for Karkaroff and Moody to see what was happening under my very nose. That failure is one of the reasons that you are here. I cannot allow it to happen again. I am going to make sure you are safe, or at least as safe as I can make you."
Something broke in Harry then. He felt a warmth in the back of his eyes, even though he rarely cried. It just felt good to know someone cared that much about him, even though it had happened because his relatives cared so little about him to throw him out. At least something good happened from something terrible.
"Thank you, Sir," Harry said in a choked voice.
"And that is why," Snape continued, his voice stronger and sterner now, "you must make sure to follow those rules. I am going to do what I can to protect you. You must do your part. Do you understand?"
Harry nodded, unable to talk. All he could think about was the Dursleys and how they had dumped him like yesterday's trash because they thought that their precious son's life was in danger. They didn't care that Harry had saved him, had saved both of them. Harry's life hadn't mattered. Harry was gone, just like that. He was never wanted, he knew that, but it was so easy to say that they would have nothing more to do with him.
"I know that you do not want to tell me about your life with your aunt and uncle," Snape said, again seeming to follow Harry's thoughts, "and I am not going to ask you to. You will, however, discuss it with Lupin. I am aware of a few things, however, that I was not aware of before I picked you up a few days ago."
Harry hung his head. He didn't want Snape to know anything about his life at Privet Drive. It was humiliating to think that Snape might have seen his cupboard or his bedroom or heard how his relatives talked about him as an unwanted freak.
"You have a fresh start, Harry," Snape said softly. "I did not have a happy childhood. I know what it is like to unwanted. I know what it is like to have relatives who fear and detest magic. I know what it is like to be punished for accidental magic."
Looking up at Snape, Harry found it hard to believe that the man shared these profoundly personal things with him. He didn't think that Snape was making them up. He wouldn't. If they had as much in common, it explained why Snape would take him in.
"Albus has been telling me for years that you and I are more alike than I cared to accept," Snape said with a sigh. "I didn't want to see it. It was easier to play my role if I kept you at a distance. I couldn't protect you if I got close emotionally."
"Sir?" Harry asked.
"I know it seems like a contradiction," Snape said, "and in some ways, it is one. Your mother's death, your parents' death, was very difficult for me. I knew that when you finally arrived at Hogwarts, it would break me. I suppose I formed a plan to distance myself because I could not lose someone else."
Harry just shook his head, still confused, or maybe not wanting to understand.
"It was folly, Harry," Snape said wistfully as if lost in a memory. "I made sure to alienate you on your very first day. Oh, I kept my promise to protect you. I kept you at arms' length. I had to. It's a good thing for both of us you weren't in Slytherin. It would have been much harder to do it."
"I almost was," Harry said, without thinking.
"What?" Snape barked in what seemed like genuine surprise and amusement.
"Dumbledore never told you?" Harry said with a laugh. "Ha! I thought he would have. Yeah, that had wanted to put me there. I talked it out of it."
"You talked the hat out of Slytherin?" Snape demanded. "Why?"
"Malfoy," Harry spat the name as if it tasted terrible.
"Ah," Snape said in understanding.
"Yeah," Harry said with a wry smile. "I'd met him a couple of times, and he was a real prat. Anywhere he was, I wanted to be somewhere else. He reminded me of my cousin. Plus, Ron was friendly, so …" Harry shrugged.
"It's for the best," Snape said wryly. "You wouldn't have gotten away with half as much in Slytherin."
"Bah!" Harry protested. "You never take points or reprimand them for anything!"
"Harry," Snape said. "Just because I don't take points or reprimand them publicly doesn't mean they are never held to account privately."
Harry gaped an 'O' with shock. It had never occurred to him that Snape might punish the Slytherins somehow later. He always assumed that Malfoy and the others got away with everything.
"Well, good!" Harry said. "I guess."
Snape raised an eyebrow.
"Malfoy is always starting something!" Harry complained. "You never do anything!"
"I think we have gotten a little off-topic, don't you think," Snape commented.
Harry nodded, but a thought had occurred to him. "Are you going to be fairer to me now? Now that you are not a spy?"
"It's going to be an interesting year," Snape said. "I will not show preference to you because you are my son, though. You will behave in the classroom, or you will still earn detention. And I expect top marks. In all your subjects. You are capable of much more."
"Wait, what?" Harry asked, slightly distracted by the fact that Snape had just called him his son, "I can't get top marks in Potions! I am rubbish at it!"
"We will spend some time this summer reviewing," Snape assured him, "and I am sure that without the … pressure of the classroom, you will improve. You may even like it."
Shoulders slumped; Harry sighed. "Without Malfoy sabotaging me, you mean!"
"Perhaps without you tittering on with Weasley?" Snape interjected.
At a stalemate, Harry decided to quit while he was behind. Maybe Potions in the summer would not be too bad if Snape wasn't yelling at him and insulting him the entire time, and there were no Slytherins laughing about it. He gave Snape a look he hoped showed he deserved sympathy.
"We will, of course, be spending time on reviewing defensive spells and tactics," Snape smirked.
That perked Harry up. He supposed Snape had expected that, which was why he had brought it up. Harry grinned and popped up.
"I can do magic here, right?"
"Yes," Snape said. "Of course, you will only do so with supervision except for spells you have permission to perform unsupervised."
"Brilliant!"
"Indeed."
Maybe this would be a brilliant summer, after all, if Harry could learn more defensive magic. It was better than spending the entire time pretending he didn't exist. Even working on Potions was worth it as a tradeoff.
"I will teach you some household spells as well," Snape continued, "since you did not grow up learning magic. You are living with a wizard now, and it is time you learned more about the culture. As a Halfblood raised by Muggles, you have rather fallen through the cracks culturally. I will endeavor to fill you in. Do not hesitate to ask questions when you do not understand how something works or why we do something some way. Traditions are often just that—tradition. It is still best to learn."
"Do I have chores?" Harry asked.
"Hmm," Snape said. "We will be very busy. There are house elves to do most of the household work. I will give you an allowance. You are not to touch the Potter vaults. We will discuss that later. I will teach you how to manage them and the finer points of wizarding investment. For now, we will settle on a reasonable allowance so you can learn to manage money. It appears you have done little of that. Correct?"
Harry nodded. He had gone to Diagon Alley and purchased what was on the list. The rest of his clothes were mostly Dursley or Weasley castoffs.
"It is important to learn," Snape said. "You have essentially three fortunes coming to you, in addition to whatever you earn when you get your own profession. We will discuss that too. You will be asked this year. I have looked at your courses. What in Merlin's name possessed you to take Divination?"
"Umm," Harry said. "Ron was taking it?"
"Humf," Snape said. "If you are amenable, we will replace it with an independent study. I doubt you'd earn an OWL anyway. Do you see that happening?"
With a snort, Harry said, "No, Sir. What kind of independent study?"
"Tactics, defense, healing, subterfuge, alchemy, we will decide where your talents lie," Snape said dismissively.
"Wow!"
"If I could pull you from the standard defense course, I would, but the Ministry would not allow it," Snape said, almost to himself. "At any rate, you and I will continue to train. You," you stabbed a finger at Harry, "will keep your head down."
"Yes, Sir," Harry said, wondering why that was so important, other than the obvious.
Snape seemed distracted, possibly pondering the Ministry's involvement in Harry's life. Harry watched him, but he could no longer hold his questions any longer. He had to ask.
"Um, Sir," Harry asked.
"Yes," Snape snapped out of his reverie.
"I'm in trouble, aren't I?" Harry asked, half hoping he really wasn't.
"Of course, you are," Snape said nonchalantly.
"Oh," Harry said. "Okay. So, is this, what, one of your spy techniques? Torturing me by making me wait until you tell me what you are going to do to me?"
"Is it working?" Snape asked, amused.
"Yeah, kind of, Sir," Harry said, not wanting to admit that he thought he'd been plenty patient.
"Very well, we will move to the penalty phase then, if you like," Snape said mildly.
"Not really," Harry mumbled.
He thought Snape was making relatively light of things since Harry was undoubtedly in major trouble. If Snape was going to turn him into Potions ingredients, he had better do it already. This conversation had been enlightening and distracting, but Harry'd had enough.
"Your relatives were abominable people, Harry," Snape said. "I do not intend to treat you like they did. I also do not intend to treat you like I did at Hogwarts. My behavior was inappropriate, and I apologize."
There was a pause. Snape seemed to be waiting for a response. Harry looked up at him and was tempted to shrug. He had shouted enough at Snape, and there was nothing to be done about the Dursleys. He didn't want to talk about that.
"Yes, Sir," Harry said quietly.
"You are a child, and you will make mistakes like you did today. When you break one of the rules, you will be punished and then forgiven. The purpose of discipline is to teach you, not to break you," Snape told him firmly. "Do you understand?"
He didn't.
"We have already discussed how you will recount the events of your previous life to Lupin in your sessions with him," Snape began. "However, if there are any particular punishments that you would like to avoid because they are associated with traumatic events for you, I need you to tell me. I realize that is difficult for you to do. You don't need to do so out loud. You can tell Lupin or write me a letter. You may also object, respectfully, to a punishment. In the beginning, I will give you options. I am not doing so to be lenient, but so that we may learn about one another and so that you may learn from the discipline as opposed to being broken by it. Do you understand?"
"I think so, Sir," Harry said.
He didn't like where this was going. He didn't want to think about the Dursleys and how they had locked him in his cupboard or his room for hours. He didn't want to think about not eating for days. He didn't want to think about hours of chores with no food.
"Do you know the difference between discipline and abuse, Harry?"
Harry shook his head. In his heart, he thought he knew the answer. He had known since he was small that what his relatives had done was wrong. Snape was trying to get him to understand that, but he wasn't ready to talk about it.
"To put it simply, any reasonable discipline taken too far can be abusive. Let's taken a standard punishment I use at Hogwarts. You have washed cauldrons many times, yes?" Snape said.
Harry nodded.
"If I had you do it for hours and hours, or refused to allow you to go to sleep, or use the restroom, or eat, that would be abuse and not discipline. Does that make sense?"
"Okay," Harry said. "You didn't."
"No," Snape said. "And you won't be washing cauldrons this time. For one thing, I don't have many cauldrons. Also, that is more detention than punishment for home."
"In most cases, the punishment will be related to the offense," Snape continued. "For example, if you take your broom out without permission, you would lose the privilege of your broom for a certain amount of time."
Harry nodded. That sounded fair to him. After all, he never got to use his broom in the summer anyway. To be able to ride his broom here would be amazing.
"The most serious rule is Rule One," Snape said. "My first inclination would be to say that you are grounded. At Hogwarts, that would mean that you would stay in our quarters instead of the tower and be restricted from activities other than classes."
"Wait, what?" Harry said, suddenly catching on to what Snape said. "I have to stay in your quarters?"
"Not all of the time, Harry," Snape said calmly, "when you are grounded."
"Ugh," Harry groaned. "That's not fair!"
"I see that will be a very effective punishment," Snape said with a smirk.
At that reaction, Harry realized he probably should have ridden his true feelings. Snape would now know how much Harry hated the idea of being banned from the tower. That was wily.
"Sneaky, Sir!" Harry said with a bit of a smile.
"I'm not a Slytherin for nothing," Snape said. "Stay out of trouble. It won't matter."
"Yes, Sir."
"Wait!" Harry remembered suddenly. "You said I had a choice."
"You do," Snape nodded. "This time, it is five days grounded to your room here, or five with the ruler."
"The ruler?" Harry asked.
Snape waved his hand, and it appeared. Harry grimaced at it. He was not used to corporal punishment. The Dursleys preferred to grab him and throw him into the cupboard, and at school, they preferred to send him home to the Dursleys. He'd been surprised in his first year that no one ever caned him. Hogwarts seemed to leave it up to the Head of House, and McGonagall didn't use it. Obviously, Snape did. Harry now understood what he meant when he said he took care of things a different way.
"I'm a little old to be spanked, aren't I, Sir?" Harry asked hopefully.
"Not if you're still old enough to misbehave," Snape said.
"Okay," Harry said.
"Okay, what?" Snape asked.
"I choose the ruler, Sir."
"Why?"
"Does it matter?" Harry asked.
"Not really," Snape said. "I would like to know, though. I am not planning to abuse you, as I said. I would like to know why you made this choice."
"I don't like being locked up," Harry said darkly.
From the way Snape nodded, Harry had a feeling he had known that all along, and that was why he had offered Harry the choice.
"Very well," Snape said. "Let's adjourn to the study then to finish this conversation."
They walked to the study without a word. When they got there, Harry found himself thinking that it seemed like a lifetime ago when they had been there before to talk about everything. Something had changed. They no longer seemed like strangers.
"Lean over the desk," Snape said.
His voice was calm, and Harry felt calmer too. He realized that Snape would not hurt him. It was infinitely better to be popped on the bottom a few times than locked in his bedroom. He'd had too much of that already.
Harry did as he was asked, and Snape struck him five times in even intervals. It was over almost as soon as it began. Harry felt not much more than a bit of discomfort. He wouldn't say Snape had gone too easy on him or anything because that would have made him feel like Snape was babying him. Instead, he just felt like Snape was being fair and not mean. It was odd, thinking of Snape as not mean. He'd have to get used to that.
"That's all. You have been punished for putting yourself in danger. Don't ever do anything that dangerous again," Snape said. "I can't lose you."
Harry turned around. For some reason, he threw his arms around Snape. He didn't know why, but the idea that Snape had explained that he needed to punish him for doing something so dangerous had broken something inside Harry. For the first time, he felt safe and cared for. For the first time, someone wanted him. Harry cried into Snape's black robes for a long time. Snape let him, speaking soothingly into his ear. Harry didn't even hear the words. All that mattered was that someone was saying them—to him.
Author's Note: I usually avoid author notes, so skip this if you like. I feel the need to add one here.
Also, this is a work of FICTION (in case the presence of magic wasn't enough to clue you in). This society still uses candles, parchment, and quill pens. Corporal punishment is not much of a stretch. And no, this author is not a proponent of the practice, though it was common in the middle ages. If you don't like corporal punishment, you MIGHT not want to keep reading because, one word of warning: UMBRIDGE (yeah, I don't like her either, but I have big plans for her). 😉
Also- Snape is not perfect, of course. No characters in this story are. This is AU. The characters are reacting to alternate events off the canon timeline. He has no idea how to be a parent. Enjoy the journey along with him and agree or disagree with him—politely—in the reviews! It's sure to be a bumpy ride!
