"Congratulations, human pig-filth! You are going to be bonded today!" Zim was on his PAK legs as he straightened the tie around Dib's neck, giving him a once over. "You look... nervous. Honestly, not a good look for you."
"I'm not nervous." Dib retorted, pulling on the lapel of his suit, trying to even it out. "Lor just wants everything to be perfect."
"Yeah," the scoff came from the little couch in the dressing room where Gaz was lying, feet propped up on the arm, playing a game on her phone. She made quotation marks with her fingers. "I am sure 'Lor' is really stressed."
"Of course! This wedding is a really big deal for the Syndicate! It's the first ever big event of its kind! It's just a lot of pressure for Lor."
"Nonsense silly Dib," Zim put an arm around the human's shoulders. "You and your bond mate have nothing to worry about! You have the Almighty Tallest here to assure everything is held to your ridiculously high standards!"
"My standards aren't ridiculous." Dib retorted indignantly.
"They are a bit." CB poked his head in the door.
"You don't even know what we're talking about." Dib snapped back. "You just got here."
"I know everything. I am everywhere. Always."
"Good to see he hasn't changed after becoming a full Control Brain." Dib sighed heavily, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "Is everything good with the haunted house?"
"Affirmative. Voel has really outdone himself. On an unrelated note, you should probably not let him work so closely with your parents ever again. And on an equally unrelated note, the Irken military has commissioned several thousand of the cobra guns."
"Ah good. Zim always liked that gun." Zim nodded. He was pleased to know the Membranes were still open to arms dealing. The Syndicate hadn't softened them too much.
"Do most Irkens even know what cobras are?" Dib raised an eyebrow.
"They don't have to know what they are, Dib, they just need to know that they are dangerous." Zim waved off his concern.
"Also, your parents want to know if they can come in."
"It's fine." Dib nodded quickly. "CB, can you check the perimeter again? I just... feel like Q is going to try something."
"I would be surprised if he did not." CB turned and quickly left the room, he left the door slightly ajar and the Membranes quickly hurried in.
"Aw Junior, you look so handsome!" Dib's stepmother surveyed Dib with approval. "I am glad you were able to salvage some of your father's old suit."
"It wasn't easy," Dib examined the soft silken fabric of his clothing, "Dad had ripped both of the sleeves off."
"One of the many dangers of having robot arms son!" Professor Membrane chuckled, putting both hands on his hips. There was a whirring sound and Zim could see the arms slowly transforming. The fabric of the sleeves of the professor's suit exploded off as his arms were now guns. "See?"
"Not again, dad. That is your fourth jacket today." Dib sighed, rubbing his eyes, looking fatigued.
"We should invent sleeves capable of containing the might of my awesome robot arms!" Professor Membrane looked to his wife.
"Not a bad idea," she looked deep I thought, placing a hand on her husband's chest, "think of all the robot-armed people in the Syndicate that we would be helping!"
"Is that a large portion of the population?" Zim asked curiously. Just how popular were robot arms? Should Zim get some?
"It should be! Look at all the things they can do!" Professor Membrane held up both arms and they turned from guns, to swords, to microscopes, to chairs, to a full sized mechanical horse.
"Dad! No transforming into a horse in the dressing room!" Dib very quickly interrupted the demonstration. "We talked about this."
"Apologies son." The professor's arms both transformed back into regular arms. "I got carried away! But worry not. There is no inventing today. This day is all about you and your future husband!" Professor Membrane clapped a hand on Dib's shoulder.
"It's fine, I'm just trying to make sure that everything goes perfectly. It's very important to Lor." Dib waved off the apology.
"Yep." Gaz piped up again on the couch. "Lor."
"This is a big event for him, Gazline." Dib narrowed his eyes at his sister who met his gaze with a smirk. "He is the High Council Chairman's son! The whole family's reputation is on the line here. "
"I don't really think Tiriana cares if the spiderweb drapes look 'too fake' and 'clash with the skull centerpieces'." Gaz retorted.
"It's High Council Chairman Tiriana, not just 'Tiriana'." Dib corrected quickly.
"It's about to be your mother-in-law Tiriana." Gaz met his gaze. Dib visibly paled for a moment and Zim quickly nudged him back so the too-tall human could sit on the couch.
"Gaz, go easy on your brother, he's nervous." Moira hurried to the sink, wetting a towel with cool water and handing it to Dib.
"I'm not nervous." Dib countered.
"Don't be nervous, son!" Dib's father came over, sitting next to him, as the Clone wiped his face with the towel Moira had given him. "Marriage is great! Just look at your mom and I! Not only did we make a family, we combined our labs into a super-ultra lab!"
"And we had a big fancy wedding too," Moira sat on Dib's other side. "And everything went smoothly." She paused for a moment, reflecting on the day. "Except the top tier of our cake went missing..."
"Ah yes. Zim knows nothing about that." Zim cleared his throat, expertly diverting the suspicion off of himself. "It is one of Dib's Mysterious Mysteries. And this is not about the fate of that delicious cake- this is about Dib's nerves."
"I'm not nerv-" Dib began to protest again but the door to the dressing room flew open quite suddenly as Carrius kicked it in. Dib shouted, falling back further into the couch. Zim was pleased with himself for having the forethought to get Dib to sit. "Carrius! Dude! What the fuck!"
"Oh. Hey Dib." The Romulan gave a cheerful wave. "Everything is perfectly fine."
"Did you just kick down my door to tell me how everything is fine?" Dib was still clutching at his chest, eyeing Carrius with growing suspicion.
"Yes." Carrius replied quickly. "I just need to talk to Zim for a second. Official Best Man business."
"You need me too?" Gaz sat up slightly. Carrius seemed to think it over, Gaz was something called: the maid of honor which Zim felt made her some sort of security head- but for some reason she was just doing similar stuff to Zim.
"Yes..." Carrius spoke slowly. "We just need to discuss how fine things are at the moment. We will all be right back." He waved to Dib before ushering Gaz and Zim out into the hallway. He closed the door behind them before taking a deep breath. "This might shock you, but everything might not actually be fine."
"What?" Gaz feigned a look of shock.
"I know." Zim was also confused. "You just said that everything was fine." Zim's rounded eyes narrowed as he looked Carrius up and down. "So what's the truth, Romulan?"
"Well something went wrong, but we're not sure how bad it is because this whole 'wedding' concept is still pretty new to us." Carrius admitted, rubbing the back of hid head as he looked slightly unsure of himself. "But quick question: how important are the rings?"
"Very." Gaz's sudden response caught Zim off guard, even Carrius looked somewhat taken aback.
"Okay," Carrius took a deep breath, "then perhaps we have a problem. The rings are... well... missing?"
"Those rings were an heirloom." Gaz pinched the bridge of her nose. "Our dad gave them to Dib as a gift when he was going to propose to Lor. They belonged to my abuelito and abuelita! Usually, I don't care about this sentimental shit. But these are one of the few things our dad has from his parents and if my brother finds out about this-'' she sighed, "well if you thought he was a groomzilla before..." she trailed off so as to leave the horrible imagery to Zim and Carrius's respective imaginations. Zim blinked up at her.
"Groom... zilla?" He tilted his head to the side. "Like Godzilla?"
"Yeah, I guess." Gaz shrugged.
"But Godzilla is one of our gods." Zim quickly pointed out the flaw in Gaz's logic. "Wouldn't Dib becoming more like him be a good thing?"
"Not in this case, Zim. Trust me." She turned back to Carrius, "how did the rings go missing in the first place?"
"Well that's the thing, I don't know." Carrius admitted. "All I know is they were on the little cushion that Zim's son was going to take down the aisle and then when I went to check on the cake, I stopped by to look at them and they were gone."
"Impossible! Gavin was the bearer of rings! He would not have let them out of his sight!" Zim scoffed. Dib had bestowed the honor of ring-keeper on his youngest smeet. There was no way Base Baby would have slipped up and allowed thievery on his watch.
"Isn't he like six?" Gaz sounded skeptical. "I don't think he's even tall enough to see the rings on the pedestal."
"Nonsense! Gavin is very tall! His father is the Tallest!" Zim retorted, indignantly. "We can talk to him."
"I have always wanted to interrogate a six year old." Gaz gestured for Carrius and Zim to follow her. "Let's hurry and find these rings before my idiot brother realizes that they're gone."
"Right! Dib is already crazy, let's not make him crazier." Zim had to agree with Gaz, as far as humans went, she typically made the most sense. They made their way through the Syndicate Council Building to find the room wherein the ceremony was to be taking place. A carpet was the same crimson color as human blood and contrasted with the dark black marbling of the floor and walls. The once bright windows had been covered in heavy cloth, draped like something out of one of Dib's weird movies with the human-eating-humans in it. There were fake webs from earth-spiders (which was odd, Zim wasn't sure why Dib would want his bonding location to look old and dirty, but this was all up to his ridiculous specifications), the lighting was dimmed, enhanced by the archaic candles that humans seemed obsessed with- after all, they spent an uncanny amount of time trying to make these wax-fire-sticks smell like 'pumpkins', or 'cinnamon', or 'the very concept of Christmas'. In the back of the room, behind the dark black archway that Membrane Senior had erected, was a tall, black tree adorned with various trinkets and tokens that represented Halloween. They had pumpkins with (allegedly) scary faces, various personifications of undead humans (be they floating or brain-eating), black cats, brooms, eggs, turkeys, and a small copy of cowboy Santa's head. Zim had the sneaking suspicion this was Lor's contribution to everything.
Off to the side of all the decor, was a tall pedestal with a silk red cushion adorned on the top. Upon this cushion, should have been the rings. However, as Carrius had mentioned, they were currently not in their proper location. "Gavin!" Zim called for his youngest smeet and instantly the heavy, velvet tablecloths shifted and a small human crawled his way out dressed in the uniform of an Irken Elite. The boy's black hair had been styled with two strands sticking up to mimic antennae. Zim took a moment to admire his handiwork on his son's costume. He looked very convincing as an Irken.
"Hi dad!"
"Gavin, why were you under the table?" Zim raised one of his antennae questioningly, tilting his head to the side.
"Because Vero is too big to fit." Gavin replied as-a-matter-of-factly. Zim nodded, that made sense. Vero was too tall to fit under the tables.
"Good point." Zim turned to leave but Gaz turned him back around.
"Ask him follow up questions, Zim." She gave him a stern look. Zim blinked. "You still don't know why he was under the table."
"Because Vero is too big to fit, Dib-Sister." Zim gestured to the table and Gaz rolled her eyes, clearly annoyed- well more annoyed than usual. She turned to look at Gavin.
"Did Vero tell you to go under the table?"
"Yeah! He told me he lost his chip bag and he asked me to look for it." Gavin brushed himself off. "But there's nothing under there. Also, it's dark."
"Then use your night-vision." Zim patted his son on the head, careful not to mess up the carefully crafted antennae.
"I don't have that." Gavin shook his head.
"Right." Zim would need to figure out if Irken ocular implants were compatible with human eyes.
"Did you see what happened to the rings?" Gaz crossed her arms, looking down at Gavin who looked up at the pedestal, pointing at the pillow on top.
"They're right there. That's where they've always been."
"No," Gaz corrected, "they're not there. Did you see where they went?"
"How should I know? I'm too short to see them." As if to emphasize the point, Gavin stood next to the pedestal and the pillow was easily a foot taller than he was. Zim could not see the top without the use of his PAK legs, so he understood Gavin's plight. He put his hands on his son's shoulders looking him in the eyes.
"Don't say that, Gavin. You're not short. You're tall where it matters. In your cardiac-spooch."
"Thanks dad!" Gavin seemed to appreciate Zim's pep talk, but Gaz was becoming increasingly irate.
"Wasn't someone with him? I doubt we left the actual child unattended."
"Tenn was." Carrius spoke up. "I spoke with her before I had to help Lor get ready."
"Great!" Gaz clapped her hands together loudly. "So where is Tenn?"
"Probably in the ceiling." Zim figured that was obvious, but it was possible Gaz didn't know Tenn as well as they did. "It's not like she would leave my smeet unattended. Human smeets aren't as capable as Irken smeets; Gavin requires surveillance. Don't you?" Zim cooed as he placed his forehead against that of his child.
"Dad, you're embarrassing me." Gavin made a face.
"We could check the ceiling for her..." Carrius looked thoughtful, eyes scanning the tall rafters that had been expertly decorated by Syndicate and Irken staff. Zim had brought the entirety of the Massive Mark-02 Electric Boogaloo to witness Dib's bonding party because this was an important event to Dib, and that made it important to Zim too. So the decorations had been a combined effort for two Intergalactic powerhouses.
"Zim, you can get up there, right?" Gaz cast her gaze upward as well. Zim puffed out his chest, smirking proudly.
"Of course. Zim is amazing. Tenn isn't the only ceiling sniper. I was top of my class in ceiling snipes back at the academy." The PAK legs emerged from Zim's back as he hopped triumphantly on the table.
"That class sounds fictional, but prove it to me anyway." Gaz sounded vaguely bemused by Zim's claim. It was true that, perhaps, Zim had embellished the story just slightly. Ceiling Sniping was a newer part of the Academy curriculum that Tenn was teaching- but had it existed at the time- Zim would have been the best at it.
"Easy." The legs of Zim's PAK moved fluidly as he began climbing up into the atmospheric darkness that had settled in the rafters. His ocular implants scanned for signs of Tenn. She didn't seem to be in the immediate vicinity. However, the scratch marks on the periphery of a nearby vent indicated the direction in which she might have gone. Zim scurried over, prying the metal cover of the vent off with ease and sliding inside. It was a tight fit, not intolerable, but certainly uncomfortable. He paused for a moment, his antennae twitched as he tried to locate any signs of movement. He felt tremors up ahead and carefully followed until he saw Tenn, peering down through one of the grates at the wedding guests below. "Tenn?"
"My Tallest!" She perked up upon seeing him.
"I see that I have successfully stalked and tracked you." Zim gave a confident little smile. You may take a moment to be startled by my sudden entrance."
"I heard you coming."
"Ah, but did you?"
"Yes."
"Did you..." he paused for dramatic effect, "... really?"
"Um..." she blinked at him, "yes."
"Oh. Well, that is because Zim didn't want to scare you so badly that you fell out of the vents. That could possibly cause you to fall on the cake, and Zim has seen this cake and it looks Oh so delicious."
"Yeah that cake looks fucking awesome." Tenn gave a slight nod- her movements still somewhat restricted by their current location. "Good thinking my Tallest!"
"Of course it is good thinking! It came from me." Zim felt as if he shouldn't have to explain his greatness to Tenn, but he did so regardless, in case the vent had restricted the blood flow to her brain and somehow resulted in short-term memory loss. "Zim had the brilliant idea to come find you and pump you for information."
"Oh, did you ask CB where I was?"
Zim had not considered that option.
"Of course not. CB is very busy looking for Q."
"Oh! That's what I'm doing too! I thought I saw him coming through the vents and he was wearing white!"
"White?" Zim echoed her words with equal horror in his voice. "At a wedding!? That's illegal!"
"Punishable by death on Earth." Tenn agreed. It made sense that they were on the same metaphorical page about the travesty that was taking place. The Irkens on the Massive had been marathoning every human movie that involved weddings. Zim needed to be prepared for anything. (Especially when it came to the 'object' part of the wedding. As Zim knew for a fact that Dib had no disgruntled former lovers to burst in at the last second, he could only assume it would be one of Lor's- and since Zim didn't know what species they might be, he was ready for anything.)
"While I admit that this is definitely a crisis, it did not give you permission to leave my smeet unattended."
"Unattended?" Tenn looked surprised. "I didn't leave him unattended. I left him with Vero."
"Tenn, you've met Vero. That's practically the same thing."
"I mean... he said he'd keep an eye on Gavin."
"Vero can't watch Gavin, Vero can barely watch himself."
"Isn't he your heir though?" Tenn sounded confused. "He's had Tallest experience!"
"He was Tallest for like a day." Zim waved it off. "Zim hasn't decided who will take over. Currently, my plan is just to live forever."
"That's a good plan."
"I know. That's why I thought of it. Now come back and keep an eye on Gavin. Skoodge and CB are keeping eyes out for Q. You have more important tasks!"
"Of course my Tallest!" Tenn's PAK legs wriggled from her PAK, cutting into the metal beneath her. The floor of the vent fell out onto the floor of the room below them and Tenn landed gracefully on the legs of her PAK startling the members of the Syndicate group below.
"Fear not, Syndicate fools! This is not an emergency! We were inspecting your vents!" Zim had used Tenn's carefully crafted escape hatch to free himself of the claustrophobic vents. One of the Syndicate members looked up at the hole Tenn had created.
"You broke our vent."
"That part was not up to our inspection,s standards! It should be ashamed! And so should you!" Zim dusted himself off.
"But I have nothing to do with ventilation. I'm a caterer." The fur covered Syndicate chef looked taken aback.
"Yes. Well." Zim took one of the tiny sandwiches off of the plate beside him and tossed it in his mouth. "That is very good. As you were, Syndicate." Zim glanced beside him at Tenn, "repair the vent."
"Yes my Tallest!" She climbed up the wall and welded the floor of the vent back into place.
"Is this part of a wedding?" One of the Syndicate guests leaned over asking the caterer as if they would have any more knowledge about the ceremony in question. (It was foolish to think, after all, Zim was a wedding expert and it took him a lot of research.)
"Probably. That is the best man." The caterer shrugged.
"Yes, and as Best and Tallest Man, it is Zim's job to rigorously inspect all aspects of the ventilation systems. Now," he held up both hands taking on a commanding tone, "as you were!" The Syndicate staff shrugged and went back to their boring and less-important tasks. Zim nodded in approval, taking a moment to watch them work before he turned back to Tenn. "Let's go."
"Yes, My Tallest!" She followed him quickly back to where Gaz and Carrius were waiting with Gavin.
"I did it!" Zim puffed his chest out triumphantly, antennae angled back.
"You found the rings?" Carrius looked excited.
"What? No. That was both of your jobs! Zim found Tenn." He gestured to the Elite behind him.
"Hi!" Tenn waved.
"Tenn," Gaz looked frustrated, though Zim assumed it was because Zim had been successful in his task while Dib's sister and Lor's brother had been slacking on finding the rings. "Do you have any idea where the rings went?"
"The rings are missing?" Tenn looked up at the pedestal that towered over her head.
"Maybe we should have put taller Irkens in charge of watching the rings." Carrius remarked.
"What, like Therron? He'd be terrible." Zim scoffed.
"More like Voel." Carrius countered.
"Voel is busy helping with the spooky house." Zim had delegated tasks perfectly. The missing rings was clearly a security failing on the Syndicate's side of things.
"Haunted house." Gaz corrected.
"Lor calls it Spooky house." Zim reminded her.
"Yes, and Lor is wrong." Gaz replied quickly. Carrius squinted at her for a moment, looking perplexed.
"I don't think Lor can be wrong on his wedding day, Gaz. Our research indicates that his word is law."
"Where did you get this research?" Gaz made a frustrated noise placing her hand to her forehead. "Look, it doesn't matter. What matters is getting those rings back so my brother doesn't absolutely lose his shit."
"I mean, if it was Q that I saw," Tenn spoke up, "maybe he took them?"
"Oh. Yeah no that makes sense." Carrius put his hands on his waist. "Stealing the rings is totally something he would do."
"Q is here?" Gaz pulled an electrified gun from inside her suit jacket and powered it on, "where?"
"Oooo" Ten and Carrius took a moment to admire the weapon.
"Where did you get that?" Carrius asked eagerly.
"Prototype from dad." Gaz smirked a bit. "If that Parasite took the rings, he is going to answer to me."
"Seems like shooting a Parasite is really more of a job for the Best Man..." Zim just really wanted to shoot Q. "But Skoodge is keeping an eye out for Q. If he is here, Skoodge will know."
"Then let's find Skoodge." Gaz looked toward the ceiling. "CB!"
"Yes?" The hologram instantly shimmered into view. CB had chosen to dress up as IX. At least. CB insisted that his outfit was what IX had looked like. To Zim, IX had just looked like Sym, but he would take CB's word for it. Zim had thought about going as Almighty Tallest V as a joke, but Voel and Skoodge convinced him to join their group costume as the three heads of Ghidora. So Zim was adorned in golden armaments, complete with a fang lined helmet.
"Do you know where we can find Skoodge?" Carrius asked quickly.
"Affirmative."
"Perfect! All right CB, lead the way." Zim gestured emphatically toward one of the many exits. CB tilted his head to the side for a moment looking thoughtful.
"He is not that way."
"Zim knew that. I was merely testing you. You passed. Good work, son." CB's helmet lit up brightly with a multitude of colors and confetti exploded around him.
"Yay! I am smart!"
"Of course you are. I made you." Zim went to pat CB on the back but his hand went straight through him as CB was still just a hologram at the moment (which of course, Zim also knew. He was testing Gaz and Carrius to see if they remembered, but seeing as how neither moved to stop him, it was clear that they had forgotten and thus, failed the test).
"Papa Skoodge is this way, and you will be pleased to know that we were successful in securing the Parasite."
"Of course you were." Zim had the utmost confidence when it came to his bond mate's capabilities. Skoodge had only flourished in his position as Vice Tallest (the title was still being workshopped). The important tasks were always given to him, things that Zim could trust with no one else, like what the family would eat for dinner- or what new Control Brains got initiated into the Collective. The group followed him to the front of the council building where Skoodge had a very annoyed looking Q cuffed at the wrists.
"Skoodge! You have caught the intruder!: Zim clapped his hands together in approval. "Excellent work!"
"He was skulking in the vents." Skoodge had Q standing at his side, in his default form. The red scarf-like appendages were cuffed as well as the hands of his humanoid body.
"I was not skulking, I was touring; I wanted to explore the venue. Not everyday you get invited to a wedding." Fortunately for the Irkens, Q was wearing a translator.
"You weren't invited today either." Skoodge informed him. "Dib hates you."
"He doesn't hate me, he loves me. I can read his mind, you know."
"You are also entirely capable of lying, which is what you are doing right now." Skoodge looked completely unamused. "It's not even a good lie."
"Excuse you, Dib and I have a complicated friendship that you couldn't possibly understand."
"Yes." Zim nodded. "Because he hates you."
"It's more nuanced than that."
"Even if Dib did not hate you, which he does," Zim gestured to Q "we can't let you in looking like that."
"Looking like... what... exactly?"
"Dude," Carrius narrowed his eyes, folding his arms over his chest as he made a point to look Q up and down in disgust, "you're wearing white. We can have you arrested for wedding crimes."
"I can't change my coloration." All seven eyes glared indignantly at the group. "If that bothers you, take it up with Tall, Red, and Angry."
"Even if you could, there are still the very valid points about you not being liked and not being invited." Skoodge remarked dryly.
"And!" Zim raised himself up on the legs of his PAK in order to look Q in his hideous face. "You took the rings, you stupid, smelly Parasite!"
"I did what?" Q tilted his head quizzically to the side.
"What happened?" Skoodge blinked.
"Q stole the very important rings that Gavin was supposed to bear!" Zim realized only now that Skoodge had not been privy to this information.
"I did what now?"
"Silence you..." Zim paused only long enough to concoct a good insult, "squirmy, icky Parasite! Zim already has figured out this scheme of yours! The rings are missing and- unlike when GIR went missing- Zim has realized instantly that you are the culprit!"
"But I didn't kidnap GIR. Carrius took him. Did you see if he took these 'rings'?"
"I didn't kidnap GIR either!" Carrius protested. "We went out for pizza! And I can't take rings out for pizza. They don't even eat. I mean," he looked to Gaz, "do they? They don't right?"
"No. These are actual, normal rings, not one of my parents' little projects." She assured him before turning to Q. "And let's face it, you're pretty much the only one here who would do something this shitty."
"Would I? Yes. And honestly, I'm a little upset that I didn't think of it first."
"Meaning?" Gaz has her gun pointed directly at Q who looked more annoyed than intimidated.
"Meaning, like with GIR, I'm innocent. But if I had known that two pieces of rounded metal were important to everyone I probably would have stolen them to cause chaos."
"So you know what the rings look like!" Carrius pointed accusingly at Q who smirked. He raised his own hands and slowly pushed Carrius's hand down.
"Mind reader. Remember?"
"More like: mind-eater." Zim scoffed.
"I don't think it was Q." Skoodge sighed, begrudgingly coming to the defense of the creature. "He hasn't been here that long."
"How do you know that?" Gaz sounded genuinely curious.
"CB." Skoodge gestured to the hologram. "He has cameras all over this place. We caught Q after only a few minutes."
"Wait, CB," Gaz turned to face the hologram, "do you have a camera watching the rings?"
"Affirmative."
"Did you know about this?" Gaz looked to Zim.
"Of course! Zim knows everything, always." Zim was insulted that she even had to ask. Even in his golden armor she should still be able to see his Tallest Emblem. "That is why he is the Greatest, Tallest, and All-Time-Superior Man."
"Best man." Carrius corrected him only out of jealousy for Zim's better title. "It's just: best man."
"Maybe for you." Zim waved him off.
"So why," Gaz crossed her arms, looking down at Zim, "didn't we ask CB to check the cameras when the rings first went missing?"
"Because he was busy looking for Q." Zim replied. It should have been obvious.
"He can multitask." Gaz spoke flatly, but her eyes were narrowed. "He's a computer."
"A Control Brain." Zim corrected. "And why would we need to bother him when it is so obvious that Q is the only one at this wedding who dislikes Dib enough to cause a scene. Look at him Gaz, he is wearing white! What more proof do you need!?"
"Really?" Q raised three of his brows in a skeptical expression. "I'm the only one here with a vendetta- which by the way, I don't hate Diego, I don't even dislike him. I think he's delicious."
"Delightful...? Right?" Carrius made an expression of deep concern, "... right?"
"I know what I said."
"You just said earlier you would have stolen the rings if you had thought of it first!" Zim reminded him. Q laughed, the translator on his neck echoed with an unsettling chuckle.
"I would have, but not out of revenge. I just like to cause stress so I can eat more. It's not personal. But perhaps it was personal for... someone else?"
"Miss Bitters!" Zim slammed his fist into his open palm. "Of course!"
"I don't think she's here, Zim." Gaz was far too quick to dismiss him.
"She could go anywhere. Don't underestimate that woman." Zim stood firm in his belief.
"I do not believe she is present at the wedding, father." CB made a valiant attempt to pat Zim on the back, despite being a hologram at the moment.
"Well if it isn't her then who...?" Zim trailed off, deep in thought.
"Why don't we-" Gaz began to speak, but Zim was struck by a sudden, brilliant realization.
"Torque! He did this."
"No." Gaz raised her voice again, "Zim."
"Original A.I.!"
"Father, I am not comfortable with that accusation as it implies that he still exists."
"No!" Gaz was more frustrated now, "Zim!"
"The MacMeaty's Drive Through guy!"
"Zim!"
"The Moose in that room I was going to feed Dib into! I promised the moose his enormous head and now he craves it!"
"Maybe it was a jaded ex lover- Lor might have one. I assume Diego doesn't; as he is mostly just unlovable."
"Lor doesn't have too many exes " Carrius dismissed Q's idea, which was fine as it was nowhere as good as Zim's. "But I think he had some drama about his biological father-"
"Carrius! Shut up!" Gaz held a hand up to him. "Don't even start."
"Santa did it! No wait... cowboy Santa! No!" Zim was on a roll. "The HALLOWEENIES!"
"ZIM!" Zim found himself lifted off the ground and dangled in the air by an angry looking Gaz. "Shut the fuck up for five godamn seconds and let's have CB check the footage."
"Oh. Yes, we could do that, I suppose." Zim blinked at her. "If you want to do it the easy way." He waited for Gaz to put him down before turning to look over at his robotic smeet. "CB, replay footage from today that involves the rings."
"Yes father."
The hologram made a square shape with his fingers, a screen materialized in the empty space, growing larger as he pulled his hands apart. Zim could see Gavin and Tenn playing some kind of game. The footage began to run backward. They did see Q scamper toward the vents with Tenn in pursuit- however- the rings were already missing.
Mothra damn it, Q was innocent.
Vero was there as Tenn left, proving Tenn had told the truth about leaving Gavin with Vero. As things continued backward Zim saw the point where Vero had arrived, but he wasn't alone. Zim saw Xia move backward into the frame, as it seemed she had knocked Vero's chips from his hand and stormed away. As they watched the two argue, Zim saw Xia's hand swipe the rings from the pedestal.
So it was Xia! She was going to be so grounded after this. (And she was still grounded from her prior attempt to conquer Irk and start an all-out war). Zim had to admit that Q had been falsely accused once again- and that was a truly terrible fate. Though, Zim couldn't imagine why Xia would do something so stupid as to take the rings that Gavin was meant to bear. Did she want to be the great bearer of rings? Traditionally speaking, human children filled that role and Xia did not fit that description in the slightest.
"Then, we must find Xia." Zim took a deep breath. "It will be a long, arduous task but if we work together-"
"CB," Gaz cut him off, "where's Xia?"
"Currently Xia is in the main hall with Vero, Ara, and Ven."
"Very good Gaz, perhaps you are an honorable maid after all." Zim nodded in approval.
"Maid of honor." Gaz tried to correct him but Zim scoffed at her attempts.
"That is what I said."
"With you, Zim, and CB all out here," Carrius spoke up as they made their way to the main hall of the venue, "then isn't that Dib's whole wedding party? Who is helping him get ready?"
"I am. My body is in the room with him. I am everywhere. All the time."
"Haha," Carrius let out a laugh that sounded uncomfortable, "you're kind of creepy CB."
"I am not creepy, I am ubiquitous."
"Mom and dad have Dib covered," Gaz replied quickly, "I'm sure of it. And I don't exactly trust you three to handle this ring thing. My brother is stressed enough as it is, and when he is stressed, he gets really annoying. Plus," she added, almost as an afterthought, "that asshole deserves a great wedding. He had a lot of bad experiences with parties and shit back in school so maybe I just want to help him have a fucking nice time."
"Aw, you're a good sister." Carrius sounded genuinely surprised by the revelation.
"Shut the fuck up." Gaz turned her attention back toward the crowd. "There's Xia." She started in a straight line toward them. "Hey bitch!"
"Vero, someone is calling for you." Xia didn't look up from her reader. She was currently lounging across four different seats reserved for various important guests- none of which were her- as she scrolled through her reader mindlessly looking at photos of various Irken weapons.
"Heya!" Vero was standing by- where else- the snack table. "What can I do for you guys?" Zim gave him a once over, before looking at Xia.
"You got her to do a group costume?" He had to admit he was surprised as the last he had spoken with Xia, she told him she'd rather be devoured alive by gniders than participate in this 'inane bullshit'.
"Yep!" Vero flourished his purple armor, "Xixi and I are Almighty Tallests Red and Purple!"
"Xia could have done better on her Tallest Red outfit. She doesn't even have the shoulder pads or cloak." Zim was a little disappointed in the amount of effort from his smeet. Vero had pretty much made an exact replica of Therron's armor.
"I'm not dressed up " came the insistent reply from the chairs, "I'm just wearing red."
"It's still a pretty good costume. You do look a lot like him." Carrius was trying to be optimistic in the face of Xia's (let's face it) sub-par costume attempt.
"Your attempt at kindness is noted, Romulan. However," Zim held up a silencing finger, "you are not the best when it comes to costumes either. You have been the same thing every year since you discovered Halloween." He gestured to Carrius in his black suit and sunglasses.
"I'm an alien hunter from Earth." Carrius explained, sounding annoyed. "They wear suits, fight aliens, and they're cool and scary."
"I could fight them." Xia scoffed looking him up and down.
"Um, no you couldn't," Carrius corrected her, "because they have awesome guns and weaponized cars that are filled with more guns.
"Listen, Xia, can you stop being a bitch for five seconds so we can interrogate you?" If this was Gaz's attempt at being sweet. It left a lot to be desired as Zim saw she didn't even give Xia a chance to answer before she continued. "Thanks."
"Wait! I'm bitch?" Xia looked truly appalled. "I thought you were talking to Vero!"
"No." Gaz's voice was flat. "I was talking to you. You are a bitch."
"I'm a fucking delight," Xia jumped to her feet, antennae straight back, teeth bared aggressively.
"Ah! I see the Tallest Red costume now." Carrius folded his arms over his chest as he surveyed the irate Irken. "See, Tallest Zim? It's actually pretty good."
"Ah yes, Zim sees it now." Zim nodded approvingly.
"Mothra damn it! I'm not wearing a costume!" Xia whirled to face Zim only to be spun back around by Gaz.
"Where are the rings?" Her voice was very cold, commanding. Xia looked somewhat taken aback.
"Excuse me?"
"My stupid brother's rings: where are they? You stole them off of the pedestal."
"I did no such thing-" Xia's defense was cut short as Gaz had seemingly reached the end of her very short fuse.
"CB has video of you stealing them."
"That traitor!" Xia glared at the hologram.
"I told you that you shouldn't have done it." Vero clicked his tongue in emphasis.
"They are just stupid bits of metal!" Xia placed her hand to her brother's face and shoved him backward. "Meaningless, trivial circles with shiny bits attached! They are not worth all of this fuss."
"If they are so meaningless, why steal them?"
"Because they were important enough that there was a position of importance manufactured around them!" Xia glowered at the hologram looking ready to fight, should CB bring his body. "And who do you all pick to take on the mighty position of bearer of the rings? Zim's ugly pet!"
"Are you talking about M?" Zim widened one eye, looking at Xia uncertainly. While M did tasks for the Irken Empire, Zim wasn't sure where Xia got the idea that she was some kind of pet. "She wasn't even invited." None of the Parasites had actually been invited, though Zim was starting to wonder if he should have brought M just to act as Q repellent. "Also, don't call me Zim. Call me dad, father, Almighty Tallest, or Zim the great and wonderful."
"No." Xia glared down at him, "and I wasn't talking about M, though admittedly, she is truly ugly. I was talking about Base Baby!"
"Base Baby isn't a pet, Xia, he's your brother." Zim corrected her quickly. Xia seemed to have the most trouble grasping the concept of the family unit, and it was possible that she was still learning.
"He isn't even Irken!" She protested.
"He's Irken where it matters, in his cardiac spooch, and in his PAK." Zim assured her. Poor, confused Xia. She'd get the hang of New Irk one day.
"That isn't even a real PAK! It's just some sort of human-made satchel that you painted to look like a PAK!" Xia was getting increasingly frustrated. Zim understood. His daughter was just having trouble adapting! She clearly had Voel's stubbornness and lacked Zim's amazing adaptability skills.
"So you were jealous of Gavin and you stole the rings." Carrius looked somewhat perplexed by the motivation.
"That pretty much sums it up." Vero had finally piped up.
"No! I should have been the one to bear the rings! I am the only one on board the Massive that has any fucking sense or skills! If there was an important task, it should have gone to me!" Xia put her hand to Vero's head and pushed harder than, perhaps, she intended as Vero's head popped from the stitching on his neck and rolled to the floor.
"Ah dang." Vero didn't sound too upset. Zim picked up the head, holding it up so Vero could take it back and reattach it. The severed head was an old injury that predated Zim's reign, but Vero didn't seem too upset over it, so Zim often forgot it existed.
"Don't knock off your brother's head, Xia!" Voel had just walked in, wearing similar armor to Zim's. "He needs it for his costume. "
"I also need it to see." Vero added helpfully as he attempted to reattach his head. His PAK legs were moving of their own accord, trying to stitch the neck back up. "So there's that."
"Just tell us where the rings are and then we can let you go back to being the worst person here." Gaz was focused more on the situation with the wedding rings, than the fact that Vero had just gotten decapitated again.
"Wait, what did Xia do?" Voel was only just now being let in on the situation.
"She stole the sacred rings that Gavin was supposed to bear during the bonding ritual." Zim explained as Voel's eyes narrowed at Xia in disapproval.
"Xia, what the fuck?" Voel crossed his arms.
"She's obviously grounded." Zim nodded seriously.
"What!? You cannot ground me! I'm an adult!" Xia's protests were loud, but still unconvincing. "And I thought I was already grounded for forever after I ate Sym's pudding cup."
"She was very upset by that." Zim shuddered at the memory. "But worry not, you can be grounded for double forever."
"Wait!" Xia's antennae flattened more. "What!?"
"Haha." CB looked oddly self-satisfied by the punishment.
"Double forever isn't even a thing!" Xia tried to argue.
"Well if you're going to argue with me then it will be triple forever." Zim was not in the mood to humor Xia's antics like yelling, complaining, or trying to overthrow the new Irken government.
"Do it, father. Bring down your iron fist."
"Stay out of this, CB." Voel heaved a heavy sigh as he shook his head in exasperation. "Look, Xia, just give back the rings and we can discuss lightening the punishment. There will be consequences, but they won't be triple-forever."
"I don't have them anymore." Xia crossed her arms and slunk into her seat looking quite huffy.
"Don't lie." Voel was getting increasingly more annoyed as Xia refused to look at any of them, hunkering down into her seat.
"I'm not lying!" Xia spat back.
"It's true! She's not lying!" Zim turned to see that Ven and Ara had somehow arrived silently onto the scene. Ven, who was the one who had initially spoken, was dressed in Voel's old Rodan costume which was a little too big on him.
"Ara, what are you supposed to be?" Zim blinked seeing the stout little Irken dressed with blue and gold. Ara cleared her throat, straightening her posture.
"You need to make an appointment."
"Oh that is scary." Zim suddenly recognized the gold and blue as Sym's elaborate uniform. "But you need her headdress."
"I can't just take it from her. I think it's unique to her uniform." Ara explained.
"Yes, well we can have one made for you. Ven, go and get the staff to make a replica of Sym's headdress for your sister."
"Okay!" Ven was always the most agreeable of his smeets.
"Wait a second!" Xia got to her feet. "Why don't we let Kyle explain that I don't actually have the rings before you put him to meaningless tasks that benefit no one."
"His name is Ven, Xia. You know this." Voel spoke with a somewhat defeated tone. "And the headpiece is for your sister, Ara."
"I know what I said." Xia sunk back into her chair again.
"Oh yeah! Xia doesn't have the rings!" Ven had never cared about his eldest sister's inability to remember his name. "We caught her with them so we made her give them back to a responsible adult."
"Not Vero, right?" Voel very quickly looked at his smeet, who was tapping on his head to see if it had properly reattached and ended up almost knocking it off again. "Stop it." Voel grabbed Vero's hand as the PAK sprang to life, fixing the damage once again
"No. Uncle Therron." Ven assured them.
"Ugh, that might actually be worse. CB, where is Therron?" Voel winced.
"Therron is outside at the front of the venue, greeting guests."
"Was that something he was supposed to do?" Zim blinked looking at Gaz and Carrius. If Therron had been given this task then he, the greatest man, should have been told.
"I wasn't told about it…" Carrius shrugged. "I thought our mom's were supposed to be helping welcome people."
"I did not approve of that either." Gaz looked more annoyed.
"There was no message from either Groom in regards to Therron taking on the role of greeter. I argued about it with him for a moment but the High Council Chairman said she would deal with him."
"Do you want me to deal with this?" Voel looked to Zim for instruction.
"No no," Zim held up his hand, "this is a job for the most ultimate man. We will deal with Therron. You keep the spooky house in prime, scaring condition."
"Yes, my Tallest." Voel gave a bit of a smirk.
"CB," Zim gestured dramatically toward what he assumed was the exit, "take us to Therron!"
"That is a broom closet."
"Zim knew that! He was testing you and you have passed!" Zim followed CB down the decorated halls, past various Syndicate and Irken guests, to the front of the building where he could see Therron adorned in shimmering, pale gossamer wings. He was arguing with the High Council Chairman and her wife.
"Oh thank the gods." The Chairman looked relieved as Zim, Gaz, and Carrius approached. "Can you tell him that his costume is not appropriate wedding attire?"
"Therron you can't wear white. It's a wedding crime. Only Lor can wear it." Zim looked him up and down.
"It's not white, it's eggshell and cream. That's different." Therron insisted. "Plus, I'm Mothra. I am basically blessing they're wedding."
"I think those colors are still white." Zim squinted hard at the outfit, trying to discern anything different about the coloration.
"Then why do they have different names, Zim?" Therron countered. Zim blinked, that was a pretty good point. They did have different names.
"They're shades of white. So this is definitely a no." Gaz informed him quickly.
"I don't think you get to-" Therron began to protest but Zim interrupted before he could construct his argument.
"You can not question Dib's most honorable maid! She was chosen by him to fulfill important- though less important than Zim's- duties at this wedding! Her word is law! Unless, of course, it is contradicted by Zim's word which is MORE law! Because Zim is the Ultimate-Supreme-Man, also chosen by Dib."
"I still think it's just Best Man." Carrius paused, looking thoughtful.
"Maybe that's just your title." Zim waved him off. "Now! Therron, you must tell us the location of the rings that are to be born by Gavin!"
"The rings?" Therron looked thoughtful for a moment. "Oh, yeah! Xia handed me some rings because Vero, Ara, and Ven were all ganging up on her or something. I wasn't actually listening. I think it had something to do with the fact that Vero got to dress up as me and Xia was stuck having to be Voel. Why? Were they important?"
"Important? Yes. Apparently very important." Zim replied, recalling the reaction Gaz had when she discovered that Xia had absconded with them.
"Hang on, they went with my costume, but since I have to change anyway because someone is being difficult-" he looked at Gaz- "I suppose I can get them."
"It is not 'being difficult' you are a wedding criminal guilty of committing wedding crimes. This is an Earth tradition. You are lucky we do not feed you to the Bridezilla."
"Bridezilla? Is that like Godzilla?" Therron looked slightly off-put by the idea. Zim wasn't sure- he was worried about Dib becoming the dreaded 'Groomzilla'- though he still wasn't quite sure what it was or if that was medically treatable (they did have a lot of Syndicate doctors at the wedding). But if they had another monster on par with the great Godzilla, then he felt like he should have been made aware so he could increase security.
"Affirmative. I believe it arises from petals distributed by the flower maiden and devours those who create difficulties with the wedding."
"See this is why bonding is a private affair!" Therron seemed genuinely unnerved by the idea of the Bridezilla coming for him, so he had become instantly more agreeable. "Fine! I'll have my secretary get it." Therron sent a quick message on his communicator.
"Secretary? Did Zim assign you a secretary?" Zim raised an antenna quizzically. He didn't recall doing that.
"I hired a very qualified Irken to help me out. I'm a diplomat, I'm very busy." Therron replied as-a-matter-of-factly.
"This seems like something I should have at least known about." Zim might have forgotten about saying yes, but it was more likely Therron didn't ask.
"Don't worry. He's more than perfect for the job." Therron didn't really answer Zim's question, but Zim had come to expect that. Therron had a talent for circumventing difficult questions, that's what made him such a great diplomat.
"Hey Tallest Periwinkle! I brought your rings." Zim blinked as he saw the tall, blue-eyed Irken come stumbling in with a single piece of bread taped to his head. He was holding a plate with two bowls of soup on it.
"Is that Gil the waiter?" Zim had run across this… particular Irken in the underground sewers. There were a lot of words that described Gil but 'qualified' was not one that made the top of any list.
"Gil the Intern." Therron replied, taking the tray. "Gil, these are not rings. These are bowls of soup. I don't know where you got these."
"Oh. From the restaurant." Gil gestured in a direction that Zim was almost certain led to a Syndicate medical facility. "They're round, right? So they're rings." He offered the soup again. "I mean, rings are round, right?"
"Theron, is Gil really qualified for… any job?" Zim was starting to have doubts.
"Rings are round, Zim." Therron scoffed.
"Yes, Zim supposes that is true." Zim couldn't argue with the fact that rings were- in fact round- but somehow he was starting to think that Therron was trying to divert his attention away from the real problem.
"Try again Gil." Therron sent him away with a wave, "but leave the soup." Theron took the tray, sniffing it. "It smells like Syndicate food which can be quite good." As Gil left, Carrius leaned a bit closer to Zim, lowering his voice.
"I don't think this guy was a good waiter."
"He was not a waiter, but rather a greeter." CB cut in, also leaning into the whisper huddle that was forming around Zim. Gil returned once again, this time with two balls of Earth yarn that must have come from the supplies that Zim had picked up for the Spooky House while they were on Earth for Dib's bachelor party. (Zim knew the party was successful, despite the fact that everyone remembered it- and the best bachelor parties were allegedly forgotten. Zim just assumed Irken memories were just too amazing.)
"These are still not rings." Therron sighed a bit.
"Um, Tallest Periwinkle-"
"He's also not the Tallest. I am." Zim waved.
"Oh yeah, I know, My Tallest." He wiggled his antennae respectfully to Zim. "His name is Tallest."
"His name is Therron." Zim corrected.
"Oh. Yeah. That sounds kinda similar." T didn't. "I can see where I'd get confused." Gil shrugged. "Anyway, I got your rings."
"This is yarn from the planet Earth, Gil." Therron informed him, flatly.
"It's rings, Ya know? Round string? Round plus string equals ring." Gil insisted.
"Yeah okay why don't we go look together?" Therron sighed, leading Gil away, and taking the soup with them.
"What is going on out here, is everything okay? We're getting ready to start soon." The voice of Captain Rose drew Zim's attention as the Captain, clad in a beautiful green dress with her red hair decorated with jewels, came up looking quite concerned.
"Everything has been better." Zim admitted.
"Wait." Gaz looked the Captain up and down, "are you finally dressing as an elf?" Captain Rose let out a defeated sigh and nodded.
"I know the humans have wanted this for a long time and this is a special ceremony in their culture. I have had a very small version of a human wedding, remember? I think I'm pretty experienced on this matter. I got Lor dressed up accordingly." The Captain was Lor's Honorable Matron- which sounded equally if not more important than the Honorable Maiden Gaz that was serving Dib.
"Things are a little hectic. The rings got lost but Therron's bringing them back." Carrius informed her.
"The rings?" The Chairman and the General came from the doorway. The Chairman, who had spoken, looked concerned. "Is that important?"
"We're taking care of it." Zim assured them. "Now, go be with your smeet We are starting soon!" He hurried them away but Captain Rose lingered.
"The ring is important. Gary made sure we had ours when we got married. And humans want you to have it after too. You have to always know where that ring is. And," she held up her own hand, "it is preferable if you just keep them on this finger. You don't lose it that way." Zim saw a golden band adorned with a shining stone on the Captain's finger. He had never noticed it before- but typically the Captain wore gloves.
"Oh. It's you." Therron arrived looking at the Captain with suspicion. "Well, that explains a lot, doesn't it?"
"Excuse me?" Captain Rose crossed her arms, meeting the gaze of the former Tallest. "Can I help you Therron?"
"Well I just went to get the rings, but now they're gone which isn't surprising." He gestured to the Captain, "because someone here must have taken them to get my attention. I mean, really? After all this time? You're still in love with me?"
"I'm happily married with a kid." Captain Rose replied flatly.
"And that's why you need to give up this obsession." Therron shook his head looking disappointed in the Captain.
"Look, time is ticking, we have to get this wedding started in less than five minuets. Are you sure you don't have the rings?" The Captain narrowed her eyes, raising herself up to her full height, which was taller than usual due to a certain type of shoe that she was wearing.
"No. They were on the counter in my room and now they're gone. I don't know what you want!" Therron huffed.
"What's gone?" Everyone jumped as the voice of Dib intruded in the conversation.
"Oh! Hello Dib-filth!" Zim waved to him, trying to distract him. "We were all just rehearsing for a play."
"What's gone? What happened? Zim, you and Gaz just vanished and CB and mom and dad have been the only ones helping me. We're about to start and you're still not back. So, what's going on?" Dib was not so easily distracted, as most of his kind were, by bright colors and rapid movement. Clearly he was a more intelligent human- but Zim knew this.
"Nothing, don't worry about it. Let's get you to the ceremony." Gaz grabbed Dib by the arm. "CB," she turned to the AI, "go through every fucking bit of footage and find those rings." Her voice was barely a hiss.
"Rings!?" Dib froze. "The rings are missing?"
"We like to think of it as: the rings are on an unauthorized adventure."
"Gaz those belonged to-" Dib began but Gaz was starting to drag him into the wedding hall. Seeing her struggle, Zim's PAK legs launched into action and he too began pushing Dib along toward the ceremony.
"I know." Gaz assured him. "We'll find them. Just don't freak out. Carrius, Captain Rose, go see Lor. We have to get this underway."
"Are you kidding!? This is a fucking disaster! I can't- I mean- Lor, he's going to be so upset! This is the first ever Syndicate wedding! There can't be mistakes!" Dib kept trying to turn back, but Zim and Gaz kept him facing forward.
"Look, we have an all powerful AI, two alien governments, and our psychotic but crazy parents here. We'll find them, it just might be after the ceremony." Gaz spoke calmly.
"After- that's too late Gaz! WAY too late! The whole thing will be ruined-" Gaz held her hand over her brother's mouth as they made it back into the entrance hall.
"Guess it's too late to change…" Zim heard Therron mutter, sounding pleased as he slipped in behind them. Zim saw guests filing in, Moira Membrane was talking to what looked to be a large Earth hamster and a gorilla in a space suit.
"Junior! Sweetie! Come meet Winston and Hammond, coworkers of mine from the moon." she gestured for Dib, and Gaz and Zim forced him forward. Maybe if he talked with guests, he would forget about the impending wedding disaster.
"Mom I don't have time for- wait is that a moon monkey- like…" Dib was briefly distracted from his crippling anxiety by raw curiosity. "A real moon monkey? You and dad were being serious about that?"
"It's a little more complicated than just 'moon monkey'," the moon monkey replied, sounding a tad indignant.
"And he… talks." Dib blinked. "I'm not even surprised by anything anymore. Sure. Hello Winston," Dib offered his hand, "Hammond, thank you for coming."
"Why would your father and I make that up? It was quite the scandal when it happened." Moira looked surprised by the accusation. "The moon monkeys aren't even that hard to believe. Now if I had led with the moon hamsters- oh go get your seats we're almost ready to start." Moira began ushering the last, lingering guests inside the hall. Zim occupied himself with making sure everyone who was supposed to be present was, in fact, in the hall. There was no Lor- but Zim knew that Dib was not supposed to see Lor yet.
"The rings are gone." Dib's voice drew Zim back, he saw Dib, pacing as he explained the situation to his parents.
"We'll find them, son. We can use Lor's X-ray vision after the ceremony." Professor Membrane didn't sound too concerned. "There's no need to freak out. We can get everyone to help look once you're married!"
"Once I'm-" Dib looked ready to pass out. "There won't be a wedding without rings! How can there be!? The officiant says to place the ring on Lor's finger and I reach over and take NOTHING off a pillow? It-" Dib cut out as music began to flow from the event hall. "Oh fuck it's starting."
"It'll be fine, Junior. Just breathe." Moira took his arm.
"Or don't! You can survive for several hours without oxygen. It's one of your many clone features." His father patted him on the back before taking his other arm. The doors opened and Dib was escorted away from the group by his parents down a long, ornately decorated hallway of dim lights, cobwebs, and a plush red carpet.
"We can find them, right CB?" Zim looked to the AI's body which had accompanied Dib when he had gone outside. CB's lights were flashing as he seemed to be deep in thought.
"Processing."
"Right." Zim had to keep the wedding going. "GIR! Gavin, you two are next." Lor had insisted GIR be the flower bunny- a Halloween wedding tradition. GIR ran up to Zim in his very convincing bunny suit with a basket full of eggs decorated like flowers (They were not real eggs- though tradition seemed to dictate they should be, no one trusted GIR with real eggs.) GIR gave a salute
"READY MY MASTER!"
"Where have you been all day?" Zim just assumed CB had been watching him and it seemed like all the fake-eggs were intact.
"I WAS EATIN SPIDERS!"
"Right." Zim had no further questions. "Now, hop down the aisle like we practiced." He tapped GIR and the SIR bounced into the room, tossing the fake eggs in every direction, giggling excitedly as Zim felt he could see color draining from Dib's face as he stood by the altar. (Zim assumed there would be a sacrifice on this altar after the wedding, though there had been no mention of the protocol for a sacrifice). "Gavin?"
"I got my pillow but there's nothing on it." Gavin shrugged.
"Just pretend." Zim assured him.
"Okay!" Gavin waited until GIR had flopped down in front of Dib's feet and then headed down the aisle as well.
"Ooo, I like this song, did Diego pick it?" Zim finally heard Lor's voice as the other groom arrived with Pawl making the wedding parties complete.
"Probably." Gaz took a deep breath. "Look, Lor, my brother might be a little stressed out. So try not to run for the hills if he blows up out there."
"Oh no, I hope he doesn't explode. I wanna get married." Lor looked a little concerned. "Is there something wrong with his genetic makeup making him unstable?"
"It's an expression." Gaz sighed. "Pawl, CB, go." It was time for the wedding party to make an entrance as Pawl, the medic on the Solar (and apparently a long-time mentor to Lor) linked arms with CB's body and the two headed down the aisle. CB's hologram was still floating off to the side running through a day's worth of video. "Zim, you and Captain Rose." Gaz instructed. Zim nodded and raised up on his PAK legs so that he could reach the arm of the Captain who had not changed her height to make things easier on Zim, despite the fact that Zim had made the brilliant suggestion ages ago. Zim made it down the aisle to stand by Dib who was looking even more pallid than before.
"This is a disaster." Dib whispered under his breath.
"Not really. Vero's birthday party was a disaster. No one had caught on fire here." Zim assured him. (Zim did not think anyone had combusted, but it might be that he was unaware of an incident because he was busy with important ring business.)
"No rings? And Q's here?" Dib hissed back.
"Oh yeah, but Skoodge has him." Zim assured him. Gaz and Carrius began to make their way down the aisle.
"I can still feel him staring at me." Dib countered.
"It'll be okay." Gaz was now close enough to hear and she gave a quick but stern reply. "Now calm down, and enjoy the moment." The doors opened once again and Lor walked out, escorted by both of his mothers, and clad in a long, flowing white gown, complete with the translucent veil covering part of his face- looking vaguely akin to the Mothra Elite. Zim had seen variations of the outfit in every wedding film he had watched (for educational purposes, of course) and he knew Captain Rose- who had human wedding experience- had helped Lor choose it. Of course, as was human tradition, this was the first time Dib had seen it as the two parties getting married were not allowed to see the other's outfit before the day, or else the wedding would be cursed. Dib seemed to be stricken speechless for a moment.
"He really looks good in anything." Dib laughed, and Zim hoped for a second that the stress had passed as Lor reached the end of the walk and turned to Dib, taking his hand as they stood beneath the Halloween tree. "You look amazing."
"So do you." Lor smiled at him. "Please don't explode, okay?"
"What?" Dib blinked but the two silenced as the officiant began to speak, describing the process and importance of marriage (though, it sounded just like a lesser version of bonding. Zim felt as if he already knew this part.) Though, soon came time for the rings. Dib looked at the empty pillow in silence.
"Take these rings, and place them on your partner's finger," the officiant paused for a moment, also looking at the empty pillow. "Oh, do we not have rings?"
"Did something happen to them?" Lor blinked.
"Lor, look I can explain," Dib began to speak but suddenly, CB lunged forward, tackling GIR who had been happily sitting on the ground. He grabbed the SIR by the foot, hanging him upside down and shaking him over Gavin's pillow until two rings plopped onto the fabric.
"Noooooo MY SPIDERS!"
"Found them!" CB sounded rather proud of himself as he struggled to put the wriggling GIR back on the floor. "You are very welcome." He nodded to DIb who had both his hands over his face.
"Lor," Dib's voice shook. "I am so sorry I-" There was a pause as Lor burst out laughing. Dib cut off, slowly bringing his hands down from his face to see Lor almost doubled over laughing, holding onto Dib for support.
"That's amazing! Did you plan that!? Is that normal for weddings!?"
"No I mean, that's not supposed to happen- you're not freaking out?" Dib looked shocked by the reaction. "We worked so hard and then this all just… spiraled."
"Diego…" Lor took his hand again, "Diego Isandro Bolivar Membrane Junior, I don't care about details. I mean, in the Syndicate all that matters is paperwork." He wiped tears of laughter away with Dib's hand still clasped in his. "This party is something we did because it's important on Earth. But in the end as long as I get to call you my husband, I don't care how we get there." He smiled. "So please don't explode."
"Why do you keep saying that?" Dib was actually starting to smile too.
"Gaz told me you might blow up and I got worried."
"No, I think… I think I'm okay now." Dib took one of the rings off the pillow, kneeling as he took Lor's hand. "It's been in GIR's mouth but if you still want it…"
"I do." Lor squeezed Dib's hand. "Though we're washing it later."
"Oh absolutely." Dib nodded. Lor took the other ring and carefully slid it on Dib's finger. The officiant looked around, trying to see if there was more to expect, but when no one moved, they smiled.
"Then by the law of the Syndicate, The Irken Empire, and the customs of planet Earth, I now pronounce you: Husband and husband. You may now kiss the groom." The room applauded as Dib took Lor in his arms, lifting the veil from over his face, kissing him deeply, and hugging him close.
"This still seems like a lot for bonding." Zim leaned over to Gaz as he clapped. "But Zim is pleased that Dib is happy."
"Yeah, weddings are a fucking pain." Gaz mused. "You Irkens might be onto something with your bonding ceremony. But…" She watched Dib as he pulled away from Lor, face alight, "my stupid brother did deserve one special day. I guess."
"He did help save Irk," Zim nodded.
"Now introducing, for the first time," The officiant's voice interrupted Zim and Gaz's whisper session. "Mister and Mister Diego and Lor Membrane!"
Zim smiled.
The Syndicate and the Empire were here, together, to celebrate No conflict, no war, no impending invasion. Zim was leading the planet he loved with the most important Irkens (and non-Irkens) in his life. Things were only improving, not just for the smelly human child that Zim had watched bloom into a competent (now bonded) scientist, but for everyone who had fought beside him:
For freedom.
For Integrity.
And For the Glory of Irk.
Shoutout to Invader Johnny who requested Lor's wedding outfit! :D
THE END!
If there are any questions, ideas, fan theories, anything for the story you have please feel free to share them in the comments! This is currently the last chapter I have planned for the story! Thank you all for reading!
