September 29th 2023, 11:44 AM
My recount is over. Finished, in some form or other. I wrote down most of it in this document, and told the things that were too painful to write over the phone. My editor was as good a person as any to hear my useless thoughts, and he duly heard them.
He also tried to tell me, again, that Love and Coffee was some sort've life altering project for him. Really wish I had the strength to indulge that irritatingly helpful and benevolent bastard. But I've always thrived on pushing away the people who could help me. It's made me the success story I am today!
Funny how most people would take that comment at face value. I am, by all the superficial measures that decide the worth of a person's career, successful. I can't say how much yen I make from book sales themselves, merchandise, royalties, endorsements, adaptations, and not knowing the exact amount is probably the best indicator.
If you make enough to lose track and delegate it to your accountant, then you're a success. Simple as. But I guess Yukinoshita Yukino was theoretically successful when I read her diary in New York. Why is that success so successfully fucks you up?
Then again, I really wouldn't have it any other way. I'd much rather by successful and miserable than a failure and miserable. It's an old, irritating cliche that poor equals happy, and an extremely irritating one at that. Most of the time, it's not even true.
People who live pay check to pay check aren't relieved of the pretentious 'burden of success'. They're just miserable. Fuck off with that virtue-signalling bullshit, Hollywood. Being wealthy means you're unbelievably lucky. I write that without a hint of sarcasm.
I'm impossibly lucky to not know how much money I make a year, and as impossibly unlucky as everyone else to feel perpetually unsatisfied by it. Why are humans like that? Why do we struggle so much to see the bright side, even when the bright side (as is true in my case) is as plain as day?
I envy the rare people who have the gift of optimism. Well, sort've. Looking at things realistically is vital, and too much optimism has the same effect on my stomach as a laxative, but a little bit of optimism can nonetheless go a long way. Just take Komachi, for example.
Komachi
Well done for reminding yourself of how you haven't called her in months, Hachiman. That was exactly what you needed.
I strongly considered calling my sister instead of Katsomoto-kun three nights ago. She would've been more appropriate seeing as she's just as emotionally invested in L and C as my editor apparently is, and also because I'm supposed to be a sis-con. What kind of sis-con doesn't contact his sis for months on end?
Not just that, I actively ignore her calls when she tries to make contact. I mean, I write this knowing full well it's because I know the kind of things she'll say to me if I do call. The things like 'it's ok to reach out to others' and 'you can talk to me about what ur feeling' and all those things that a good sibling should be doing.
And Komachi isn't just a good sibling. She's the best sibling in the entire fucking world, in my totally unbiased opinion. She's so sickeningly good at being my sister that it reminds me how pitifully bad I've become at being her brother.
I used to be kinda idyllic on the 'big brother' front, back at Sobu High. I'd say with a reasonable amount of confidence that a you couldn't ask for a better older sibling. I was over-protective, over-appreciative, over-indulgent. The whole god-damn package. We flattered each other's siblings instincts with aplomb.
But then this idea of mine comes along. Love and Coffee. When I got back from those dreaded two weeks, and the emotional fallout all channeled itself into an urge to write, all I did was work on L and C. I kept up my other jobs, but with even less motivation than before. I poured all my waking moments, thinking and working, into Etsuji and his supporting cast.
Komachi picked up on that- she picks up on all the minute shifts in my mood- and threw herself willingly into the task of proof-reader. She would read all my early drafts, listen to all my early ideas for plot and character, offer me suggestions which often found their way into Volume 1. She was the og editor, and the og check to my ego.
I
God
Just thinking about that
Damn. That really was nice.
One of the proudest moments of my life, Computer-chan, was when I told Komachi Love and Coffee had been accepted for publication. I'd sent it to what felt like an infinite amount of publishing houses. Shogakukan really was the last spin of the dice. Both of us thought it was pretty hopeless, at that point.
But Shogakukan took a chance on me, and Komachi burst into tears the moment she found out. Really soppy, sentimental tears. It was the best acknowledgement of the work possible. Our work. It really didn't matter to me how Love and Coffee sold, just for seeing those tears.
Then the series blew up like crazy, topped bestseller lists for weeks straight, and the schedule became way more demanding, and exchange with Shogakukan editors got way more bureaucratic, and the time I got to talk with Komachi, even on phone, got less and less and less.
Worse things was, if we did talk, it was always about me. I fucking hated that. She was always asking me how I was feeling, if I was keeping up with things, if I was meeting deadlines, cause that's what good sisters do. The conversation kept turning back to me, even if I tried to turn it to her. I wanted our conversations to be about her.
Things only degraded to silence the last year or so, though. We don't see each other for months at a time. Literally fucking months. We get brief phone calls that are tense and preachy and defensive. And now when I do get the chance to call her, I'm ashamed at how long it's taken and end up persuading myself not to.
I really want to talk to Komachi.
I really want to hear her voice, Computer-chan. I really do. But I don't want to hear the concerned Komachi voice. The one of a sister whose being forced to act like my parent cause of the hole I've fallen into. I want to hear the voice of before Love and Coffee. Komachi's voice.
She probably thinks the same. 'I want to hear my sis-con Onii-chan's voice again. The voice when he wasn't this strange, bitter celebrity who I barely recognise as my brother anymore. What happened to that Hikigaya Hachiman?'
What did happen to him, huh? Have you seen him lately, Computer-chan? I hope he turns up again sooner or later.
There's that word again. Hope.
I told the home interviewer, Kawa-something, that 'hope' was what Love and Coffee was about. Her newspaper published the article on me yesterday, and I read i
September 29th 2023, 12:31 PM
Unknown Number: Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Rin-
Call End.
Fucking unknown number calls. Really wish there was a phone out there that blocked them out automatically. Or one that automatically called my sister for me.
I've been writing it into my so-called schedule more and more. I keep having to remind myself to talk to the person I probably care most about in the whole world. How does that work? I really am a disgrace to sis-con's everywhere.
Kawa-something's article. That's what I was talking about. Why was I talking about that again?
Oh yeah, that's why
It was so fucking disappointment seeing that word in her article, reminding me about how I'd let my guard down. In the last five years I've revealed virtually nothing of my personal feelings towards Love and Coffee. Zero, zilch, nada. But oh, a hot girl walks in and suddenly I'm drooling at the mouth.
'Hope'. For fuck's sake? What does that even mean, anyway?
'
Then the
Oh u kno wat screw this. Just screw this. I'm gonna call my damn sister
September 29th 2023, 12:57 PM
Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Rin-
Komachi: …
Hachiman: … Yo.
Komachi: …
Hachiman: … I'm sorry.
Komachi: … Starting off a conversation with an apology. Is that like your new favourite thing?
Hachiman: Nope. You're always best at doing what you hate.
Komachi: Brave of you to assume you're good at apologising.
Hachiman: Yeah…
Komachi: … Onii-chan.
Hachiman: Yes?
Komachi: I could probably spend half an hour or so complaining about how you haven't called me, how I've been worried sick about you, but there wouldn't be much point, would there? You'll just say sorry and then convince yourself that the right action is to go even longer without calling me. What's the record now, Onii-chan? Half a year?
Hachiman: Not quite that. But I don't keep track, really.
Komachi: I do. Weirdly enough, I count the days.
Hachiman: … How's your boyfriend?
Komachi: Why do you ask?
Hachiman: Cause I'd rather talk about you. How's your boyfriend?
Komachi: I'm not in a position to know.
Hachiman: … You mean you broke up with him.
Komachi: Pretty much.
Hachiman: I'm sorry.
Komachi: That's your second apology already. And by the way, I'm not cut up about it. It's been coming for awhile.
Hachiman: Really, huh… and, uh… how… how-
Komachi: How long ago was that? Just two weeks ago. I was gonna call or text but then I pictured you lounging around that house of yours and got annoyed all over again.
Hachiman: Two weeks… not too long then.
Komachi: You say that like it makes any difference.
Hachiman: … Even… even if, um… Look, even if things are a bit strained between us at the moment, and non regarding whose fault that is-
Komachi: -yours-
Hachiman: -I'd still like to know about the really big things. I… well, I… you're Komachi.
Komachi: Yes. I am.
Hachiman: No, but… I mean… that's who you are. The cutest sister in the world. And even if something really big had happened with me, I would have called you. A- and I mean that wholeheartedly. I would have. If I'm not calling you, it's… it's probably cause I feel shit that I have nothing show for two or three months of my life.
Komachi: … I hope you don't think that was worth any Komachi points.
Hachiman: Not even one?
Komachi: No. You're like, so far into the negatives right now. I've had to buy a new scale just to compensate how low you've got.
Hachiman: Doesn't surprise me. But you are still the cutest. If that helps.
Komachi: … *sigh* Right, let's go through the checkpoints. How are you feeling, have you been sleeping, have you been working on Love and Coffee, are you still giving Koto-kun a hard time, have you managed to get your shit together-
Hachiman: The answer to those questions is basically what you'd expect.
Komachi: The worst possible answer for all of them, then?
Hachiman: Yep.
Komachi: Did you end up talking to the seiyuus for KyoAni?
Hachiman: Nope. They sent me a few texts but I didn't reply. They were all asking braindead questions.
Komachi: Like what?
Hachiman: Like, 'oh, what do you think Etsuji's deepest motivation is', or 'oh, what do you think Mei feels for Etsuji at this point in the series'.
Komachi: They sound like valid questions to me-
Hachiman: And nothing they couldn't find out very easily though use of a search engine. Heck, there are more character analysis pages for Love and Coffee than the internet could ever possibly need.
Komachi: And none of them will be as good as the author's interpretation. You created those characters, Onii-chan.
Hachiman: We created them.
Komachi: That's not worth any points either-
Hachiman: No, I… Komachi. I know this whole Love and Coffee thing has become a massive fucking barrier between us, but I'm not just trying to save face here. If I say stuff like that, I mean it. We created those characters, Komachi. I haven't forgotten what… what…
Komachi: …
Hachiman: … I haven't forgotten who…
Komachi: … Neither have I, Onii-chan. You just make it hard to remember sometimes. Really hard.
Hachiman: Komachi, I-
Komachi: Have you received any calls today?
Hachiman: Huh?
Komachi: Have you received any calls today? From an unknown number?
Hachiman: Uh… yeah. Why?
Komachi: Just so you know, it's from Kaa-san. She's got a new phone and she's trying to get through to you with it.
Hachiman: Oh, right. Next time she calls I'll pick it up, or something.
Komachi: Good. I know you ignore every call that isn't from a contact. And the ones from your contacts too, really.
Hachiman: L- look, what I'm trying to say is-
Komachi: I saw that new article from your home interview.
Hachiman: … Komachi, I'm trying to-
Komachi: Some of your answers really surprised me-
Hachiman: Komachi!
Komachi: …
Hachiman: Komachi, I'm… I'm… I'm trying to tell you how much I-
Komachi: Oh zip it, you big dump stupid annoying idiotic moronic stupid dumb… Onii-chan.
Hachiman: …
Komachi: … Don't you see? I'm just happy to hear your voice right now. If you're going to spend months avoiding me, then fine, I can stomach it. Not really, but I can try to and most of the time I won't get upset before I fall asleep. But when you do call me, let me decide how the conversation goes! Let me decide! I don't want to waste my precious moments with you, not even with you but over the phone with you… I don't want to waste them listening to your half-assed apologies. Even if you do mean them, w- which I know you do, because we grew up together and I love your big dumb skull and you love my big dumb skull, I… I don't want to hear them. I just want to hear you. Your answers to my silly questions, your voice, your ridiculous cynical insights that aren't even really true. I want that Onii-chan. Not the pretentious apologising wreck of a light novelist whose let his fame get out of hand.
Hachiman: … That's why I don't want to talk about me.
Komachi: What are you saying now-
Hachiman: If all we're going to do is talk about me, about how much I've changed, then just hang up. I… I don't want to waste your time either, Komachi. If you're here, I want to talk about you, because you've always been the thing that made me better, and I'd rather not hear about myself if at all possible. I really wouldn't.
Komachi: … You keep saying that 'we' created Love and Coffee-
Hachiman: -that's because-
Komachi: -and by that logic, talking about your series is also talking about me. If I was as involved in Love and Coffee as you say I am, then don't complain when we talk about it. Okay? Let me ask the questions, Onii-chan.
Hachiman: … Alright. Go ahead.
Komachi: … Some of your answers in the interview really surprised me. I've read most of the interviews you've given. That one was… different. It surprised me a lot, Onii-chan. I really don't like having to keep track of you by looking out for newspaper articles on online blogs… Sometimes, it's like I've half forgotten what your face looks like, before seeing it on the cover of a magazine.
Hachiman: …
Komachi: You opened up a bit about New York. I never thought you'd do that.
Hachiman: … Not really. I didn't give her any specific details.
Komachi: … *chuckles*
Hachiman: What?
Komachi: I guess you haven't changed that much.
Hachiman: Oh I see-
Komachi: All it takes is a cute girl and boom-
Hachiman: Hey. I resent the implication I only spoke to her because of her appearance. She was a genuinely good interviewer. Isn't that a bit sexist on your part?
Komachi: As if. You know she went to Sobu High? I used to be friends with her brother.
Hachiman: Brother? What brother?
Komachi: Taishi-kun. Don't you remember him?
Hachiman: … Oh yes. One of the many insects who came round to our house back then-
Komachi: He didn't come round that often. I never met his sister, either. But now that you have, maybe we can talk about getting her numbe-
Hachiman: Not a chance.
Komachi: *chuckles* … See?
Hachiman: Huh?
Komachi: It's not all that difficult to get the old Onii-chan out. Not for me, anyway.
Hachiman: … No… Never for you, Komachi.
Komachi: … I do want an answer, ya know.
Hachiman: To why I 'opened' up, despite that being a huge exaggeration?
Komachi: Yep. What was all that about 'hope'?
Hachiman: … I've… I've told you about New York before. You don't need to hear it again.
Komachi: Excuse me, 'told'? All you've told me before is that you met someone in New York. Not who they are, not what their name is, not even what they look like. But now, apparently the whole world's allowed to know-
Hachiman: It's really not important. I didn't meet someone in New York- not properly. Saying 'hope' was just a generic response to get the interviewer off my back.
Komachi: You didn't meet them properly… how cryptic. And just how cute was this girl?
Hachiman: Girl?
Komachi: Onii-chan. I'm no bestselling light novelist, but I'm not dense. Whenever we sat down and discussed Volume 1, you had super specific notions of Mei, Akane and Kagami's personality. The dots are already joined.
Hachiman: … We were never anything more than strangers. I never told you about it because it's not a big deal.
Komachi: As lying goes, that's one of the worst I've ever heard.
Hachiman: You're probably right. But I'm still not comfortable talking about it. Not even to myself, apparently.
Komachi: … Yourself?
Hachiman: … Guess you could say I've been working on something, recently. A recount. I've been trying to write about what happened in New York.
Komachi: And talk about it as well… Hachiman…
Hachiman: The way you said my name there sounds like an ominous conversation starter.
Komachi: For someone in denial like you, it probs is. But I consider it my sisterly duty to ask.
Hachiman: … Alright.
Komachi: Is there one thing that you think would make you happy?
Hachiman: So much for not talking about me.
Komachi: Don't worry. I'm asking that question pretty selfishly.
Hachiman: Dunno. Seems like a selfless question to me.
Komachi: It isn't. Believe it or not, Onii-chan, I don't spend my every day thinking about you. It's more like a 'ten loaded seconds' kind of deal. Most of the day I'm just going about my business, answering messages from all the people who want to talk to me-
Hachiman: -I see that hasn't change-
Komachi: -or working or watching shows. You'll cross my mind for ten seconds that seem to last an awful long time, and then someone will text me asking to meet up and I'm zooming off to a cafe or something. I have a sneaking suspicion that all the time we spent talking about coffee made me just as much an addict as you. You still drinking MAXX Coffee?
Hachiman: Course. I'm not a heretic.
Komachi: And lattes when MAXX Coffee isn't available?
Hachiman: There are some mainstays with me, Komachi.
Komachi: I have lattes a lot too. Double espressos more often, but lattes as well. It's one of the smaller details that keep my spirits up. Everyone has a few boxes that need ticking for them to be happy. You understand what I mean, Onii-chan, right? When we were growing up I knew all of yours. Every single one. Since Love and Coffee, I feel like some new boxes have been added… some new categories, and… and I still haven't quite gotten hold of them. You know most of mine. You know I need to be talking to people- that I'm a bit more egotistical in that way. I like that people like to spend time with me. You're a bit egotistical too. You do like that people like your writing, even if you don't appreciate the way they like it. And one of my boxes to be happy happens to be be that you, too, are happy. So me asking what you need to be happy, the one thing, is a pretty selfish question. I'm ticking my own boxes just as much as yours. And the person that you met in New York… they're a part of your happiness now, aren't they? Maybe not the one crucial thing, but a thing all the same.
Hachiman: …
Komachi: So this hope of yours… is it hope that you'll meet again? Is that what it is?
Hachiman: … No.
Komachi: Are you lying?
Hachiman: I don't know. I wouldn't know until I met them again.
Komachi: … So you do want to meet them?
Hachiman: Why are you asking me this, all of a sudden? And why… why am I suddenly ready to talk about it?
Komachi: … Maybe because you feel like you are ready. You did say you've been writing about New York. About her. Maybe that's a sign too.
Hachiman: …
Komachi: Can you tell me this cute girl's name? You don't have to tell me everything, but I take pride in knowing your secrets. As your sister, it's my right and responsibility.
Hachiman: … How many points would I get for telling you her name?
Komachi: Enough to get you out of the negatives.
Hachiman: … Alright. That's a good enough bribe.
Komachi: Glad to hear it.
Hachiman: … Her name was… her name was Yukinoshita Yukino.
Komachi: … *sigh* I'm glad.
Hachiman: Wha-
Komachi: Anyway, I really should be going Onii-chan. Remember not to give Koto-kun a hard time and to stay humble and to keep being the amazing light novelist I know you can be on occasion. Gotta run and meet Taishi-kun. Y'know I called him up again when I saw his sister had written that article? Might not have mentioned it-
Hachiman: -what the fuc-
Komachi: Oh, and remember to pick up Kaa-san's call. Believe me, you don't want to miss it.
Hachiman: Komachi-
Komachi: See you around, Onii-chan! Hope you're happy next time I call!
Call End.
September 29th 2023, 3:08 PM
It's not worth hoping
It really isn't
It's not worth hoping because I'd given up on all that
I gave up on that. Like Yukinoshita Yukino
It's not worth hoping
September 29th 2023, 6:01 PM
Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring.
No Answer.
September 29th 2023, 8:06 PM
Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Rin-
Hachiman: …
Unknown Number: …
Hachiman: Kaa-san? That's you, right? I'll add your new number to my contacts. You didn't have to call.
Unknown Number: … Hi… Hikigaya Hachiman?
Hachiman: …
Yukino: That's… It's you, isn't it?
Hachiman: …
End Call.
