September 29th 2023, 8:19 PM
Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. R-
Yukino: …
Hachiman: … Hello? Are you still there?
Yukino: … Yes. Nothing has changed in the ten minutes since you hung up on me, as you would expect.
Hachiman: Technically it's been thirteen minutes.
Yukino: Is… Is that so?
Hachiman: Yeah. When I heard your voice over the phone, I spent the first three or four minutes just sitting there, looking at the wall. I don't really know why. It was probably like when a computer needs a massive update but doesn't have enough storage to process the data. Yeah, that's about right.
Yukino: … I… That is… that is an interesting analogy.
Hachiman: Then for the next six minutes, I tried to figure out what to do next. I considered just carrying on as if nothing had happened, and then I realised that was moronic. Then I considered calling Komachi and asking her what the fuck was going on, because she clearly has a role in this, and then I realised that was also pretty moronic. I mean, hanging up on you like that was abrupt, and though I wouldn't hesitate to hang up on anyone else, I think we both know you're not anyone. So I settled on calling you back as soon as I got the nerve. That took up the last three minutes.
Yukino: …
Hachiman: … Are you going to respond? Cause believe me, it's taking everything I've got to stay calm right now.
Yukino: … I… My apologies, ah… It would be polite of me to ask what I should call you?
Hachiman: Hikigaya-kun is fine.
Yukino: Hikigaya-kun… Again, my apologies, I just… I find myself tongue-tied. It really is the nature of things to be tongue tied at the worst possible moments.
Hachiman: How about you start by explaining… well, by just explaining.
Yukino: Y- yes. I'll endeavour to start there. But m- may I just say, your… your voice does not sound how I was expecting. I… I had of course researched several things about you and your career before making this phone-call. For a light novelist of your stature, I had assumed there would be a great many interviews with you available online. Your reclusive nature has been a considerable obstacle to me in getting to this point. I… I read the transcript of several interviews, including the one recently published. And there was one very brief interview available on Youtube, but you didn't talk much and the audio quality was very poor and so there was only a limited frame of reference for me to go on, as most of them were written up, and… I… I apologise. Now I fear that I am rambling.
Hachiman: … How did you expect my voice to sound?
Yukino: (laughs uncomfortably) Thinking twice, it would be inappropriate to say that I expected anything. For me to have considered the sound of your voice would imply that I also expected this phone-call to take place. For an awful long time I had assumed that to talk with you would be completely impossible. On top of that, I had assumed you would have no reason to talk to me in return. F- for around four years, I would say that was the accurate state of things. But now all of my expectations have been so thoroughly surpassed, and… and, well, I… Now I can hear your voice. I am not imagining it. You are really talking to me.
Hachiman: …
Yukino: … I… Please accept my sincerest apologies. Everything I've just said must have been very embarrassing for you. If you so wish, then-
Hachiman: You really remember me then? From New York?
Yukino: I… I remember your words more than I do your voice, hence my r- rambling. It was only one simple phrase, after all. "You aren't alone". It was pitch black and I was frightened when you said it. But yes, I remember. Turning around, sensing someone was there, you throwing my diary at my feet. It is all extremely clear in my mind-
Hachiman: I don't understand.
Yukino: …
Hachiman: I don't understand. I should be nothing more than a bad memory to you. Why would you remember something as horrible as that?
Yukino: … I don't think what you said was horrible in the slightest. Why would you suggest that?
Hachiman: I'm being realistic. That's in my nature, you see-
Yukino: Being cynical is not the same as being realistic. Telling me I wasn't alone was not horrible or cruel or inappropriate. It was exactly what needed to be said at exactly the right time in my life. I would go as far as saying that it was one of the kindest things I have ever heard said to me. I find it distasteful that the person responsible for such kindness would seek to pass it off as 'realism', or perhaps even something less than that, Hikigaya-kun.
Hachiman: (bitter) You've thought a lot about this, I see.
Yukino: I've had a long time to do so.
Hachiman: Huh… a long time to think about this… I'd say that's about right.
Yukino: … Are you trying to imply something?
Hachiman: You tell me.
Yukino: …. Please, Hikigaya-kun. Please do not come under the impression that I've called you under false pretences. There is nothing I would wish less than for you to think ill of me-
Hachiman: Oh really? And what am I supposed to think… Yukinoshita-san? Is that what you want me to call you?
Yukino: Yukinoshita-san is fine-
Hachiman: And just what am I supposed to think, Yukinoshita-san? You have to understand how this seems. A person you should be just an unhappy footnote to suddenly calls up after years of silence- years of silence appropriate for whatever the hell exists between us- and starts saying all these things? It's too good to be-
Yukino: (passionate) Yet you remember me as well, Hikigaya-kun. Only a minute or so ago you claimed you could hardly find the strength within you to call me back. Evidently, I have left just as much of an impression on you as you have left on me. Evidently, the amount of time I have spent on you is matched only by that which you have spent on me. So yes, Hikigaya-kun, I do understand how this seems. We are speaking right now because I have seen fit to put the entirety of my life on hold just so this could happen. Just so I could talk to the person who very probably saved me.
Hachiman: …
Yukino: (quiet) … You… You saved me, Hikigaya-kun. That is how I understand our present situation.
Hachiman: … Prove it.
Yukino: … Excuse me, c- could you repeat that? The connection on the line is breaking up a little-
Hachiman: Prove to me that you're not calling under false pretences. You used to work at Whitecross Publishing. You might still be working there. You could just be saying what I want to hear. Sweet-talking me into breaking my contract with Shogakukan, or something. I don't fucking know. Just prove to me that you're genuine.
Yukino: … How… How exactly can I do that over the phone?
Hachiman: Figure something out.
Yukino: I… I have no idea what you want me to say. How can you expect me to spill my heart out like that, in our first ever conversation? Regardless of any… any complications relating to our encounter in New York… Regardless… Hi- Hikigaya-kun, surely you must understand that I… that I can't justify a phone-call built entirely on presumptions and imaginings? I don't know you. I never have. The only thing I do know of you is a momentary scrap… that one sentence of comfort, telling me I wasn't alone… I… That one sentence is all I have of you, Hikigaya-kun. But that's been enough to bring me all the way here-
Hachiman: All the way here? What do you mean?
Yukino: N- nevermind. I just… I… I can't comprehend what you want of me. I can't prove that I'm calling you because of myself, and my own silliness. My only intention in calling you tonight, Hikigaya-kun, is just to hear more of you. To collect more scraps. I… You're right. At first, I thought what you said to me was frightening. I thought it was the garbled threat of a stalker who might well have badly hurt me. But as the days went by, and I started running over what happened in my mind… how you'd brought my diary back to me… how you must have read it, knowing where to find me by the Hudson, and… and read all the things I wrote there, about how lost I was back then… I begun to realise that it was nothing of the sort. Telling me I wasn't alone was purely surface level. There was no subtext, no sarcasm, no deception. Only one thing happened that night. A person… you, Hikigaya-kun… took the time to comfort me when no one else would.
Hachiman: (silence)
Yukino: … (sighs) … Undoubtedly, what I'm saying is pitiable. Pathetic, even. It was pathetic how I latched onto those words, and took them into my chest. How I remembered them whenever the world started to run rings around me again. Even after months, after years, I... I never stopped remembering them. If ever my work or my family was plaguing me, I would return to those words. To you. If a complete stranger had read my diary and cared, then who was I to think no one else could? It would be fair to say that I… that I allowed your words to become you. My story of you. You became like an old schoolmate to me. Someone who set a few desks across from me. Someone I had a strange understanding with but never really opened up to, or even properly met. Someone that, in a different reality, I could have… I could have…
Hachiman: (silence)
Yukino: (bitter) Was my explanation sufficient, Hikigaya-kun?
Hachiman: (whisper) … Yes.
Yukino: …
Hachiman: Yes. I believe you, Yukinoshita-san.
Yukino: … W- well… That is… that is very reassuring.
Hachiman: …
Yukino: Are you going to respond? That's typically how people conduct a conversation-
Hachiman: You're not calling from abroad. Your number is registered to Japan.
Yukino: … Yes. I am in Japan. In a Tokyo hotel, precisely. I… I caught a flight from New York to Haneda only forty eight hours ago. It was a draining journey, needless to say, and I am yet to adjust to Japanese time. The jet-lag is mind-numbing. As… as a light novelist of international repute, I am certain you will be accustomed to travelling…?
Hachiman: …
Yukino: It's very difficult to have a conversation without active participation, Hikigaya-kun-
Hachiman: You could have just called me from the US. Yet you came to Japan. Why?
Yukino: … And when you do participate, you seem intent on embarrassing me-
Hachiman: It's just a question. Answer it or don't.
Yukino: I… I, Hikigaya-kun… (sighs) … Whether my trip to Japan is a success or not can only be judged on the outcome of this phone-call-
Hachiman: In other words, if the outcome is good, you want to meet me.
Yukino: …
Hachiman: Go on. Admit it. You want to meet me.
Yukino: Y- you are making me uncomfortable, Hikigaya-kun-
Hachiman: If you admit it, then I might have the strength to do the same.
Yukino: …
Hachiman: Well?
Yukino: I… I want… (whispers) I w- want to meet you… Hikigaya-kun…
Hachiman: … I want to meet you too, Yukinoshita-san. I want to know you. Now that I've found it in me to both call you back and admit that… Well, just know that I'll probably try and keep this phone-call going for as long as possible. The last filter on my mouth was not believing you were genuine, Yukinoshita-san. Now that's gone… well. Who knows what crap's gonna come out of my mouth?
Yukino: … I see-
Hachiman: Hearing you speak is strange. I've haven't got a clue what my heart is doing right now, but it's never done it before. As long as all this is out in the open, we might be able to have a normal conversation.
Yukino: … A normal conversation?
Hachiman: If you're willing.
Yukino: I… I would very much like that, Hikigaya-kun, but… but you asked me to explain how I found your number, did you not? If y- you wish to make a request of me, please try to keep it consistent.
Hachiman: Talk about what you want. Or explain what you want. I don't care. I'll listen. Your voice isn't how I remember it, but then again I never really heard it properly. It's… I don't know. It's softer than I've come to imagine it. But I don't really care what you're saying. Just talk.
Yukino: W- why do I have to be only one who talks?
Hachiman: You don't. If that's the way you want it, I'll talk. What do you want me to talk about?
Yukino: No, I… Hikigaya-kun, if this phone-call has proven a- anything, it's that you haven't the faintest idea how human interaction works. It's perfectly acceptable for us both to talk…
Hachiman: … Sorry. I don't have much control over what I'm saying right now. It's just… It'd be fair to say the past few weeks have been rough. Mentally, I guess. You're the chief cause of that. Not that you meant to be. It's just I've been thinking about… about New York. A lot. About what it means, and… and how much it changed me, in hindsight. I've even been writing about it. To keep me sane I've been calling it a recount, and I've tried to stick to recording what happened, but shit, mostly it's just been me self-indulgently ranting. Maybe I should self-indulgently rant more often if it gets me phone-calls with you.
Yukino: Hikigaya-kun… You… I'd anticipated someone reclusive but… not to this extent. When exactly was the last time you spoke to a human being?
Hachiman: What, are you a social butterfly now? If you still resemble the person I read about in your diary, then you can't be much different.
Yukino: … No. I suppose you're right.
Hachiman: …
Yukino: How about we approach the rest of this phone-call more calmly, Hikigaya-kun? Both of us… Less incoherency, more sense. A- and maybe you'll learn something about the workings of a normal conversation, too.
Hachiman: Go on then, Yukinoshita Yukino-san. Educate me.
Yukino: … It is the responsibility of those with gifts to help those without. I'll surely try.
Hachiman: …
Yukino: … Your… Your sister, Komachi-san, is a very charming woman.
Hachiman: … I knew she had something to do with this. I'll fucking kill her for not telling me you were going to-
Yukino: She wasn't as involved as you seem to think. I can assure you the organisation of this phone-call was largely my own initiative. But without her, I could never have made the final step.
Hachiman: … How long have you been trying to contact me?
Yukino: … It's… I'm not certain. It couldn't be amiss to say a year, surely…? A year since I really started to set things in motion, researching you and your contacts and such… The notion of calling the man who spoke to me by the Hudson had occurred to me much earlier. Long enough ago for me to be even less certain about the time-frame. I… You were little more than three small words in my memory that point, Hikigaya-kun. There was no face to you, no personality. Just a comforting sound in my head. I'd all but resigned myself to the fact that you were gone forever. And then… then I read Love and Coffee.
Hachiman: … You did, huh?
Yukino: Yes… I do still work at Whitecross Publishing. My work ethic seems to have impressed the right people, or some of them. I have people who call me their boss now... It was partly the success of your books that opened our eyes to the light novel industry. Love and Coffee was a break-out hit for the genre, as you well know. About a year and a half ago, everyone in western publishing was scrambling around looking for the next imitators. It was almost required that I read Love and Coffee; it would be unprofessional and close-minded not to do so. It was supposed to be a chore for work. But then I started to read, and… and I didn't stop. I put down the other novel I was reading at the time- The Bridges of Madison Country- and for several weeks devoted myself to your series.
Hachiman: What did you think? Did you lik- no. Don't tell me. I'd rather not know.
Yukino: Why not, Hikigaya-kun?
Hachiman: … It's been awhile since I asked for someone's opinion about Love and Coffee un-ironically. Does that answer your question?
Yukino: … In a… In a way, I suppose it does. I'll do you the courtesy of answering your question too.
Hachiman: Thanks, I guess.
Yukino: … It would be inaccurate to say I liked it. My feelings towards it are more… not more complicated, but… but much harder to define. My reading taste is often fussy and selective. I don't feel indebted to finish a book once I've started; if the writing is poor or the content disagreeable, I drop it and move on. Love and Coffee was… it was by no means offensive, in terms of writing or content. The dialogue was often witty and never dull. The plots were mundane, undoubtedly the weakest aspect of the series, but… I must confess I found your books difficult to put down in general. Not least because of how… (sigh) … At times, it felt very much like someone had opened my head with a scalpel and written down what they found into a story.
Hachiman: …
Yukino: I can see I was right to think as much. As the volumes progressed, it only became more pronounced. In Kagami, Mei and Akane, I was reading my own thoughts, feelings and actions. The similarity was... unerring. First, it was tolerable to put it down to coincidence. Then, the label of 'coincidence' became unrealistic… The tipping point for me, however, was the-
Hachiman: The cafe scene in Volume 4. Between Etsuji and Akane.
Yukino: … Yes. That scene was… As I said, that… th- that was the tipping point. When I read Etsuji's line, just after Akane has fallen asleep from overwork on his shoulder… Then, I knew immediately. I knew that Hikigaya Hachiman and the person who spoke to me by the Hudson River had to be one and the same. It felt… It felt rather like my mind was screaming at me. I had no choice but to find you. To tell you how… how…
Hachiman: ... Well. I'm really not surprised you found out. The first time I wrote that line, I thought it was too much. Too similar. Then I figured… Oh, who the fuck knows what I figured. Maybe I wanted it to be obvious. That's probably the case.
Yukino: … "You aren't alone". You didn't… (murmur) You didn't even try to hide it.
Hachiman: No. I didn't. My mind must have been screaming at me too.
Yukino: … Hikigaya-kun, I… I… (stuttering) … I don't know what to…
Hachiman: ... So you contacted my sister, yes? To try and get my number.
Yukino: … (swallow) ... There were many steps inbetween my reading Love and Coffee and contacting your sister. I had to pull all the strings in my contact-book. Being part of Whitecross Publishing helped. Dozens of agents and distant relatives of agents who had met you at some point or other… Shogakukan were very obtrusive to me. They likely thought the same as you; that I was contacting you with a rival offer. Once it became clear I couldn't reach you in a 'professional' capacity, I switched to the personal. As I said, your reclusiveness was an obstacle that brought me many nights of frustration. But I persisted, and found my way to Komachi-san. It took several phone-calls to convince her of who I was… In truth, I'd al- already made preparations for the eventuality that you wouldn't believe me either, Hikigaya-kun. I… My deepest fear was that you would have forgotten. Or worse still, that… that I'd only been projecting my desire onto the pages of your novels-
Hachiman: But luckily, I'm just as pathetic as you are. How about that, Yukinoshita-san?
Yukino: … (laughs quietly) … Perhaps we should raise a toast?
Hachiman: (laughs)
Yukino: … What time is it now, Hikigaya-kun?
Hachiman: (pause) … Nearly 9:15. We've been talking for about an hour.
Yukino: Yo- you have my rambling to thank for that.
Hachiman: I do. I wasn't lying when I said I'd try and keep the call going as long as possible.
Yukino: Apparently I'm just as complicit.
Hachiman: … I wasn't lying in Love and Coffee either.
Yukino: … In saying that I'm...?
Hachiman: Yes. You're not, Yukinoshita Yukino.
Yukino: … Neither… Neither are… (pause) … You understand what I'm trying to say, don't you?
Hachiman: I do.
(silence)
9:21 PM
Yukino: … One of us… One of us should try to talk. Otherwise we can't call this a conversation.
Hachiman: … I dunno. The silence isn't too bad.
Yukino: Perhaps not, but if we don't talk, then you'll never learn what a normal conversation is. And I promised to educate you.
Hachiman: … I'd prefer silent understanding to pointless talking.
Yukino: But we don't understand each other!
Hachiman: Not yet. But I understand you more than I did at the start of the phone-call. Considerably more. In my eyes, that's not just a normal conversation, but a very successful one.
(silence)
9:25 PM
Yukino: … Hi- Hikigaya-kun. We can't just sit here all night.
Hachiman: If you say so.
Yukino: I do say so. I think… I think both of us need time to process what we've heard- what's happened- and then, maybe we can reconvene, so to speak. Or… or, um… or-
Hachiman: Or meet.
Yukino: … (whisper) … Yes.
Hachiman: …
Yukino: …
Hachiman: …
Yukino: … Goodnight, Hikigaya Hachiman.
Hachiman: … Goodnight, Yukinoshita Yukino.
(silence)
9:34 PM: Call End
