From the author

This is my second fanfiction. Admittedly, with the first one, I swore that it would be the last, that it seems that I got hooked. Recently I had an idea and I'll try to use it.

As for the plot. "Fate" was quite light and even a little humorous sometimes, this story will be different. I wish it were darker and gave rise to extreme emotions. I hope I can do it.

Publishing "Fate" was easier for me, because the story was already almost written (when I was publishing I had 90% of the story ready). Now I'm starting completely from scratch. Keep fingers crossed ;)

Yours,

Joanna / Jo-jie81

Ps1. While writing this story, I was accompanied by the music of Vadim Kiselev. It was also an inspiration for some of the subtitles. For each chapter, I will recommend you a song that suits it. Please listen! :)

Ps2. English is not my mother tongue, so please be forgiving ;)


Heart of stone

When did I feel this love? I do not know. I cannot indicate this moment in my past. When I think about it, I always see how he gently strokes our son's hair and hums him a lullaby to sleep. This image will stay with me to the end.

But maybe this love had started earlier. Perhaps on that dark, moonless night, when I lay on the forest grass, my body torn in torsion and my soul torn in two. Or even earlier, when he was comforting me, holding me tenderly even though he knew my heart belonged to someone else.

Every thing he did. Every word. Every look. Now I remember everything.

But that doesn't matter anymore. I can't turn back time. I can't change what I did wrong.

He can't forgive me. Maybe we both really have hearts of stone.

I'm sorry, my son.

CHAPTER 1 - Broken hearts


Vadim Kiselev "Broken Heart", "Emptiness"


June 1784*

This June night was exceptionally warm and bright. High in the sky, the full moon silvered the treetops of the garden of the Manor de Jarjayes, embedded in the soft quilt of black.

Andre slowly opened the shutters, sat down on the windowsill, and sighed as he stared out into distance. Somewhere out there, in Versailles, there was a woman he loved. Wearing a blue silk dress, she was probably spinning in the arms of a man she had secretly loved for many years. The man who wasn't him.

Andre had long been painfully aware of Oscar's feelings for the young Count Fersen. He was guessing them from the words she was saying to him. With laughter, different than usual. He could see the feelings in her eyes which, as she looked at the count, shone like fireflies on a summer night. In the tears of regret and longing that had betrayed her since the latter had left for America four years ago.

For Andre, however, these years were one of the most beautiful years of his life. He liked to think of them as years when he had Oscar all to himself. But it was selfish and utterly untrue, and he didn't really know why he kept deceiving himself. Oscar had never been and never would be his. She could be a friend, even a sister, but never anything else.

Andre was still unsuccessfully trying to convince himself that this was what it had to be like, that he couldn't want anything else. After all, for a commoner like him, a roof over his head, a comfortable bed to sleep on, and a full stomach should be sufficient when most of his social class was suffering from hunger and poverty. So he should not wish for anything more to be happy.

But that love came to him by itself, unnoticed like a thief, and before he knew it, it was too late. Before he could somehow react, he wanted this woman more, to the point of madness. The feeling hidden under the mask of friendship instead of fading, it wrapped around his chest like ivy, and sometimes he couldn't even breathe.

Oscar's indifference hurt like a knife blade day after day, but Andre knew it was a reality. And he tried to accept it.

But when he saw her that evening, wearing this gown. She looked so unearthly beautiful, perfect. Knowing that she had dressed like that for that man, only for that one, tore his soul apart. Hope, hidden somewhere at the bottom of his heart, was dispelled in an instant and there was nothing left but emptiness.

Andre clenched his hands into fists. Yes, emptiness. Nothing. Always nothing. Crumbs of feelings for some. Everything for others.

Was it really worth the hassle? Did his hidden suffering make any sense at all?

The wind gently blew his hair as if stroking him with a comforting gesture. Andre looked up at the moon's silver face. He loosened his fists and looked helplessly at his open hands. Even if, what about it? He couldn't stop loving her. Nor could he go away and leave her. All he could do was stay faithfully by her side, guard her, protect her. In silence.

Andre sighed again and put his feet on the floor. Without closing the shutters, he lay down in bed and tried to sleep. The smell of grass and the sounds of the night lulled him to sleep.

When the tears stopped flowing, Oscar got into the carriage and returned home. She should go straight to her room and take off this symbol of humiliation, but instead, she directed her steps towards the garden. She was afraid of being confined within four walls and circling there like a wounded animal. She wasn't ready to face it in the solitude of her room yet. In the garden there was space and peace that could soothe the soul. Even her footsteps, muffled by the soft grass carpet, did not break the blissful silence. Yet, unlike the lethargic nature, Oscar's soul was torn by a hurricane of emotions. She no longer knew whether she was happy or hurt; feeling relief or rather a dominant emptiness. At first she thought she was happy. That one moment in the arms of the man who had stolen her heart was worth even putting on this embarrassing feminine outfit. To be able to be so close to him, look into his eyes without embarrassment, feel his skin against her skin. She had known from the beginning that she could count on nothing more than this one dance, this one shard of romance. The words he had spoken to her only confirmed what she had long been aware of. Fersen looked at her as if she was a friend. Close and very dear to him, but only a friend.

Oscar stopped and leaned heavily against a birch trunk. Rough tree bark scratched her bare back, but she didn't seem to feel it. Regret tightened her heart again. This was what unrequited love was like. Like a wound that couldn't heal and reopened over and over again. Until a few hours ago, it had seemed to her that by going there she would be able to heal this wound and close this chapter forever. That this would be the end of this love. A romance that never happened. No more all female rubbish. Finally, she would be what her father always wanted her to be. Exemplary soldier. The perfect commander. Man. Son. Heir. She wanted her woman's life to end right now. She decided so.

Looking back now, she knew she was wrong. She shouldn't have gone there at all. She just hurt herself unnecessarily. Instead of feeling stronger, she felt fragile and lost. Instead of standing on her feet, she just wanted to hug someone and cry.

Nanny. It was her first thought. A nanny, so dear to her heart, as if she were her grandmother. The only person who won't judge her.

But it was past midnight and Nanny went to bed very early. It would be inhuman to wake her up in the middle of the night.

So.. Andre.

Oscar looked up at the windows of the first-floor room. The light was off, so Andre was already asleep a long time ago. But when she looked closer, she noticed the shutters open wide. Maybe Andre is not asleep after all, but lying down and thinking about something, as he did often. Or he was eating something stealthily. Oscar looked at her gown, then measured the distance from the balcony. She hadn't done this since childhood and began to laugh inwardly, what she was thinking about. She went to the balcony and took off her uncomfortable shoes, tossing them into the bushes. Then she rolled up her dress and began to climb the protruding ledges. After a few minutes she was there. Without hesitating, she swung her legs over the sill and stood in Andre's room. She lowered and smoothed her gown, then looked around. In the bright moonlight, she saw the silhouette of Andre, buried under the sheet. However, he was asleep. She walked quietly to the bed, sat on the edge and sighed.

- You know, I always envied you - she said quietly so as not to wake him - That ability to fall asleep in a second and sleep like a stone. I probably won't get any sleep today.

She sat for a long time, listening to the steady rhythm of his breathing, which was like calming music. Andre was always able to soothe her anger, even the greatest. How good that she had such a wonderful friend next to her. Andre was the man she always wanted to be. Calm and composed, never succumbing to emotions. Always friendly, always kind. Not favoring anyone. Competent. Not falling into stupid romances, but always rational.

A violent sob shook Oscar's chest. Why couldn't she be such a man? Why did she have to fall in love so idiotically?

- Oscar? - she heard Andre's voice suddenly. In a hurricane of emotions, she didn't notice that he had woken up and looked at her now with consternation - Oscar, what are you doing here? What happened? - he asked fearfully

Only a louder sob answered him. There were tears on her cheeks, lit by the moonlight.

- Don't ask anything, Andre - she whispered in a broken voice - Don't ask anything, just hug me. Just like in childhood when I hit myself or cut my arm. Just hug me - she asked

Andre moved closer to her and wrapped his arms gently around her. He hugged her and let her rest her head against his chest. He hadn't hugged her like that since they both grew up. Once upon a time, when they were children, they often sneaked into their rooms in search of warmth and comfort. When one or the other was reprimanded, hit, punished, or afraid of something. They were a haven for each other, a safe harbor where one could take refuge. Then they grew up and the world around them stopped looking at their bond with kind eyes. Oscar had changed too. Her soul was harder and overbearing. Since then, she no longer needed his hugs. Until today.

She asked him not to question her and he obeyed. Anyway, he didn't have to ask. He knew very well where this grief and sadness came from.

- Why does it hurt so much, Andre? - she asked after a moment, her voice changed and trembling - When someone doesn't love you, why does it hurt so much?

Andre didn't answer, pressing her closer to him. What was he going to tell her? That he shared the same pain and despair..? That he understood her more than she could have imagined..? She couldn't know it, she never could find out.

- Say nothing, shh - he whispered, stroking her hair gently with a tender gesture, and she cried even harder

What was he going to do to console her? How could one broken heart console another that was just as broken? He held her closer to him and dandled her like a child in despair.

Eventually she calmed down. She lifted her tear-stained face at him and smiled faintly.

- Thank you, Andre - she just said, and he nodded. He loosened a grip and his arms fell to the bed, empty. Before she got up, she looked into his eyes, which seemed to her full of some strange melancholy - Why are you sad? - she asked with concern.

He shook his head and looked down. He was afraid she might read all the love he felt for her in his eyes. Only the rustle of silk told him she had moved closer. She kissed him lightly on the lips, and her lips tasted of tears. He looked up at her in surprise, but she didn't see it. She was still kissing him gently, pressing her fingers against his cheek. Andre didn't know why she was doing this. Should he push her away? But how could he do that when all he wanted now was to kiss her harder.

- Stop it, Oscar - he only managed to whisper

- Why? - she asked, laughing slightly, then answered herself - I know exactly what you want to tell me. That I am your dearest friend. Say it, Andre. Say it like he does. Say you don't see a woman in me either.

- It's not like that, Oscar.. - he protested.

He sighed as he felt her fingers stroking his bare skin under his shirt. Why did she have to make everything so difficult? How was he to resist her?

- If not, make love to me today, Andre - she said in a trembling voice - Make me a woman.

And this morning, with the first rays of sunshine, this woman is going to die, Oscar thought.

They were two empty souls trying to fill themselves with the light of the other. Seeking warmth in the heat of passion. As Andre filled her with himself, he thought about the beginning. When Oscar felt him filling her completely, she thought about dying. And that in her scream a woman disappears from this world and a man is born. Someone who will never feel the trembling of love in his heart again. New Oscar.

...

The next morning they met at the stables to go to Versailles as usual. He wanted to hug her, but she pulled away and looked at him with icy eyes.

- What are you doing, Andre? - she asked coldly - What happened tonight doesn't change anything between us. This is a closed chapter for me. Be kind to never mention it again.

And he realized it was really over. And that now his heart can't be put together anymore.


* The beginning date for this story is the actual, historic date of Fersen's return to France after the end of the American War. The anime tells about 7 years of his absence (Fersen leaves in May 1780 and returns in 1787), however, historical facts make it clear that Fersen returned to Europe in 1783 and came to France for the first time after returning from America on 7th June 1784. At the end of June of the same year, the King of Sweden, Gustav, and Fersen were invited to the Trianon. I assume that this visit could have been accompanied by a dance party, which Oscar could have attended wearing a gown.

In connection with the change in chronology, you must remember that, for example, the Necklace Affair has not yet taken place, because historically this scandal broke out at the turn of 1784 and 1785. The Black Knight Incident could not have happened yet, because the anger of the people was only intensified by this Necklace Affair.