CHAPTER 4 - Melancholy


Vadim Kiselev "My Melancholy", "Cold"


October 1794

The weather was kind that fall. Despite it was already the end of October, the days were still relatively warm and sunny. Oscar, wrapped in a blanket, was sitting in a rocking chair on the wide terrace that belonged to her rooms, warming herself in the rays of the late afternoon sun. Andre stood a short distance away by the door to the terrace and watched for a moment as the wind blown her hair hard, and she closed her eyes, savoring the feeling. Since all the stomach discomfort was gone, Oscar felt so much better and her body revived. Andre had to admit that she was more beautiful now than ever, her skin was smooth and her hair was shiny. Since she was always slim, the pregnancy belly wasn't very visible yet, and she was hiding it anyway, still wearing her usual shirts and vests.

But Andre was worried. Oscar's body endured the pregnancy without any problems, but her mind was not coping that well. Since moving, Oscar withdrew completely from everyone. For hours she could sit still and stare at one point, or sit like she does now, on the terrace, doing nothing but basking in the sun. Sometimes she had better days and would just read while sitting in an armchair or bed. There were even such blessed days that she spoke to his grandmother for a while. Almost never to him. If he asked her something, she would reply with half-words or ignore him entirely. However, he tried to be understanding and kind to all her quirks. Deaf to unpleasant comments. He knew he would forget it the moment he picked up his baby. It was all worth it.

Today Andre was in a really good mood. After several weeks of searching, he finally managed to find a suitable house. Already at the beginning it turned out, as he had suspected, that buying his own apartment was beyond his reach. So, the rental remained and just today, after seeing over twenty different houses and apartments, he found the perfect place. The house was not very big, but comfortable enough for three people to live cosily in it. It had three bedrooms, a large living room, and a very nice kitchen that Grandma should like. The house had a small garden where they could plant basic vegetables and herbs. The house was just outside Paris, but Andre thought it might be even better. With a small child they will need peace and freedom that they would not have if they lived in the city center. He decided to take his grandmother there tomorrow to accept his choice. Then he would be able to start preparing the interior for living.

The house belonged to a widowed, childless man from poorer nobility. He was now living alone in a small apartment near Notre Dame, and his family house was empty. Although it would be rational to just sell it, the sentiment did not allow the old man to take such a step so far. So it was a real luck for him that some young man appeared who wanted to rent a house for long and looked honest.

The house was long unoccupied, but still in perfect condition. It was enough to whitewash the walls again, repair some shutters and weed up the garden, which no one looked after for a long time. Andre was already imagining how to arrange a room for the child. His son (he always thought of him as a son, although in fact he might have had a daughter, he laughed to himself) will have anything he wants. Consequently, as soon as he found a house, he was going to start looking for some job. It was obvious to him that he would not be able to continue working at Jarjayes Manor. Now that he was no longer Oscar's orderly, he worked mostly in the stable. He tended horses, shoed them, repaired carts and various equipment around the house. However, this job was to be finished soon, and he could not only count on what he would receive from Oscar. He had savings, but he knew it would be responsible to save them for later in case the need arose, for example an illness requiring medical help. So he had to find a job, and quickly, because time passed inexorably.

Andre came back to reality. He watched Oscar for a moment as she straightened her wind-ruffled hair in a very feminine gesture. He had to show himself quickly, though, because she didn't like it so much when he watched her so stealthily. She was angry then and called him "insolent". So he walked over, not trying to suppress his footsteps, and leaned against the railing next to her chair.

- Good afternoon, Oscar - he said calmly, in his usual pleasant voice

She didn't answer. She just turned her head slightly and looked at him coldly, then returned to her previous position and closed her eyes.

- How are you feeling today? - Andre asked, not put off by her silence - Are you okay?

- Yes - she replied in a tone that contained no emotion, without opening her eyes

- Are you hungry? - he asked with concern

- No - came the reply again

- But Grandma says you didn't eat much today - continued Andre - Why don't you eat something more? I brought you a piece of cake, it's an apple pie, your favorite. Grandma baked it of apples from our garden today. If you don't want a cake, maybe something else? What can I give you?

- Go away! - Oscar hissed angrily

- I brought you hot tea, too - he said, turning to her and smiling slightly - I bought raspberry juice on the Champes Elysees today from Monsieur Ingres of Saint-Denis. You remember him, right? It is probably the best raspberry juice in the whole country! We used to buy it a lot. Thought you might want to try.

Oscar looked at him again, this time with a faint interest, and began to get up. Andre immediately reached out to help her, but she pushed him away. She got up and walked briskly into the living room. She sat down at the table, poured herself a cup of tea with juice, and for a moment savoring its smell, then its taste. Then she reached for the cake and began eating without a word.

- Are you satisfied now? - she asked after a moment with obvious irony in her voice

Andre sighed and began to close the patio door. How hard it was to talk to Oscar now. What exactly happened to her?

- I was in Paris again today - he said after a moment, sitting down in front of her at the table - And I think I've finally found something. This is a very lovely, old house just outside Charonne. Not far from there to the castle of Vincennes. A very beautiful place! - he continued cheerfully - I will just tidy up a little there, I will redo it and it will be possible to settle down. Once I'm done with the owner things, I'll be looking around for a job.

Oscar stopped eating and looked at him for a long time, anger in her eyes.

- Why are you telling me all this? - she asked, pretending to be surprised

- I thought.. - Andre hesitated - I thought you'd want to know about it..

- Stop acting like you are my husband! - Oscar hissed, her voice trembling angrily - You're not him and it would be wonderful if you don't forget about it. I don't care what you do. Now get out! - she finished her longest speech she had given him in weeks.

- As you wish, Oscar - Andre replied with a statement he had always repeated, almost as often as his own name.

He got up and left, quietly closing the door to her room. Right outside the door, he leaned heavily against the wall, trying to control his shaking hands. It felt as if each day was getting harder. He was always trying to be positive, but Oscar's attitude towards himself continued to deteriorate. That's why he liked the moments when he watched her from hiding. He could then imagine that he would come up to her in a moment and touch her hair and then kiss her softly on the lips. And then she would throw her arms around his neck and kiss him back. And then they could sit hugged all evening, planning their future together. He could put his hand on her belly where his son lives and feel him gently moving.

The moments he fantasized about it resulted in a heartache afterwards, stronger each time. Because instead of being touched, his hand was pushed away. Instead of a kiss, he only received bitter words. And sometimes he didn't even have enough strength for another talk. However, despite everything, he still came to her, tried to talk, believing that his determination and care he showed her would one day be appreciated.

January 1795

- My God, I'm exhausted! - Andre groaned as he sat down heavily at the table in the parlor that served as their dining room. He looked down at his worn hands, slashed by numerous abrasions and cuts, but he didn't care too much. He was used to the pain. Any kind.

- You will wear out, boy, if you work so hard every day! - his grandmother shouted at him, giving him dinner - Remember that your baby is about to be born and it needs a father. Alive!

Andre laughed and began to eat with relish. He was hungry as a wolf. For three months he had been working for two every day. First, he performed all the duties at the manor, then immediately went to Charonne to prepare the house for living. He had already whitened all the walls, fixed what could be repaired and cleaned the interiors until it shone. Now he was preparing the kitchen and furniture in the rooms. He didn't have much time left and he had to hurry. Only the garden was still gloomy and neglected, covered with a blanket of snow, but Grandma promised that she would take care of this little piece of land in the spring. In addition to preparing a new home, Andre was constantly looking for a job. And it looked like he finally made it.

- I met Monsieur Chatellet today about this job I told you about recently - he said to Grandma, who sat in front of him, savoring the sight of his grandson eating so deliciously.

- Are you sure he can be trusted? It's a strange job - she turn up her nose

- He's an acquaintance of Monsieur Robespierre, do you remember? I told you we met him once with Oscar in Arras. He is a very respecful man, a lawyer. I don't know why this job seems so strange to you. It's maybe a bit.. unusual, but if they want someone like me there, why not to try it. You can see that there is simply no other job in Paris!

- Doesn't it bother them that you were a command of the Royal Guard's orderly? These people have rather liberal views, anti-monarchist ..

- No no! They think it's one of my advantages! - Andre laughed – That, thanks to my knowledge of Versailles from within, I can be more useful to them.

- Just don't get into any trouble, okay? - Marie asked him

- I'm not going to, Grandma - Andre promised - I'm having a son soon, and I plan to be the most responsible father in the world! - he laughed, and the old lady pretended that she was going to hit him

- Has Oscar had dinner yet? - he asked as he finished his own bowl of soup

- She said she wasn't hungry - Grandma replied sarcastically

- Damn it, again!? - Andre got angry - Okay, I'll go talk to her - he stood up abruptly, but the old lady grabbed his hand

- Don't go, Andre - she pleaded - You're going to argue again, and it's not good for her or the baby.

- But I never argue with her, Grandma - he pouted irritably - I never even raised my voice to her! I never said a bad word to her! It's her who keeps cursing me and yelling at me. But if it weren't for my stubbornness, she wouldn't eat anything at all. She wouldn't go outside at all. Do you think that would be good for her and the baby?

Grandma shook her head. The grandson was right. Oscar stopped taking care of her needs completely. Andre didn't even know it, but Marie helped her wash and change clothes every day. Not that Oscar was unable to do it, because she was physically fine. She endured the pregnancy very well and the belly was not very big. Of course, it was the end of pregnancy, so the girl's legs often swelled or her back ached, but it was completely natural and did not explain that she didn't care about her appearance any more. As Grandma thought about the joy with which Andre awaited the birth of this child, and how indifferent Oscar was, she couldn't help but notice how big the difference was, how big the gap between their approach was. Marie had her years behind her and enough life experience. She looked at her grandson's enthusiasm and was afraid for him. She was afraid how disappointed and hurt he would be when he finally realized Oscar would not change her mind. Never.

Andre returned in a few minutes, out of breath.

- Oscar is not in the room! - he shouted to Grandma

- How is it possible?! - the old woman opened her eyes wide with surprise - I was at her place half an hour ago and it seemed that she was going to sleep. She even changed clothes.

- The door was wide open, and she's nowhere to be found. Okay, you check over here, Grandma, I'll go outside - Andre ordered. He dressed hastily and went outside. He didn't actually know why he had the idea that she might have gone there. The sun was long gone and it was very cold, an icy wind was blowing. Why would Oscar wander in such weather? But when he saw her standing in the middle of the garden, he thought that he still knew her best after all. She was wearing only a nightgown and shoes, and a blanket was thrown over her shoulders. As he got closer he saw that she was shivering with cold, but she didn't seem to be paying attention to it, watching the moon.

- Oscar - Andre put his hand softly on her shoulder. The woman twitched and looked at him with blurry eyes.

- Ah, it's you - she said very gently, smiling

- It's me - he said, putting his arm around her - It's cold, you have to go inside. Come on, Oscar - he delicately turned her over and led her back - You can't go out in the middle of the night not properly dressed. You'll catch a cold.

- Don't tell me what to do - hissed Oscar.

Oho, thought Andre, old Oscar has returned.

- I won't - he just said and fell silent. He led her into a room, put her in bed, and wrapped her up to keep her warm. She let him do it all, though she kept looking at him with that look that reminded him of the eyes of a caged animal, helpless and hopeless.

- When I lay down, the baby started to move so much - she said at one point - I couldn't bear it. I started walking and it calmed down. I don't even know how I got to the garden.

He nodded that he was listening and understanding. Oscar hadn't said so many sincere words to him for a long time and he was afraid to miss this moment because of his carelessness.

- Do you want me to stay until you fall asleep? - he asked carefully after a moment

- Yes - she replied, and closed her eyes, settling more comfortably on the pillow

After she fell asleep, he sat next to her on the edge of the bed with a sigh and began to study her. She was so beautiful with that slightly rounded figure and face. Hesitantly, he raised his hand, then stroked her gently on the golden locks that fell over her shoulders. Her hair was so soft. He remembered how wonderful it was to slip his hands into those cascades of gold and kiss her, kiss her endlessly. He dismissed the thought in an instant. It wasn't worth recalling memories that were too painful. Now he was trying with all his strength to stand firmly on his feet and soberly assess the reality. He tried to be responsible.

However, this cold January evening had some magic that brought him back to happy memories from the past. Snowball fights making them laugh until they were breathless. Kisses on the cheek, which Oscar always returned when he gave her birthday and holiday gifts he had prepared for her. Winter evenings where they read scary tales, hiding under blankets. Then, when they were adults, afternoons spending by the crackling fire, reading and writing short stories. Oscar had always appreciated his writing ability and was the only one whom he had courage to show to what he wrote.

Oscar shifted in bed, muttering something incomprehensible, then tore the cover off herself with a nervous gesture. Andre checked, but she was still asleep. She must have had nightmares to be so anxious. He looked at her bloated stomach where his son waited for his moment to appear in this world. He summoned courage and touched it gently. He knew Oscar would never let him do that, and he felt a little guilty, but he just couldn't help it. The baby shifted slightly under his hand, and Andre gasped in amazement. For him, this child was a miracle, a wonderful dream that was about to come true. And now he felt how real it was! Under Oscar's heart, the tiny creature that was the result of that night together, did indeed develop. Andre felt tears welling up under his eyelids.

- I'm here - he whispered - I'm here waiting for you. I'm sure your mom would also like to see you very much, although she never talks about it. But when you are born and she takes you in her arms, she will surely fall in love with you in a second. See you, little son! - he added goodbye, covering Oscar back with the duvet and blanket.

He stood at the door a moment longer, fighting the urge to stay with her all night, but he knew it wasn't a good idea. In the morning, when Oscar woke up, everything would be as usual again. He wanted this evening to remain as a fond memory, one of the few in recent months.

- Good night, Oscar - he said softly and very tenderly. Then he left, closing the door carefully.