CHAPTER 5 - With the first rays of the sun


Vadim Kiselev - "Sunrise Mist", "Separation"


March 1785

At the beginning of March, spring came unexpectedly, with warm rays of the sun and a refreshing wind that heralded the arrival of something new. It was going to be a beautiful, fertile season and the farmers were already looking forward to a rich harvest. In Paris, all the shutters were opened wide, and the quilts and eiderdowns were ventiled on each sill. People, for no other reason, rejoiced at the arrival of spring and bright days. It was easier to endure poverty and hunger when at least you weren't freezing.

There was feverish anticipation for days in the south wing of Jarjayes Manor. Grandma Marie was still anxiously checking Oscar's condition. Several times a day she knocked on her room, asking if she was feeling well. Finally, one cloudy afternoon in the second half of March, Oscar responded differently than usual.

- There is something's wrong, Nanny. It hurts - she gripped the armrest sharply, a scowl of pain on her face.

Marie had her own childbirth behind her. She also assisted in several others, including her own daughter, who gave birth to Andre. Looking at Oscar's face, she knew her time had finally come. She called Rosalie immediately and also told Andre that he had to fetch a midwife who lived nearby.

- I'll send someone for her - Andre protested panicked - I don't want to go anywhere!

- Nonsense! - snapped the old lady - Childbirth is not a case for men! You won't be of any use here anyway. You are to get the midwife and then wait.

Andre sighed but obediently did what she asked for. In fact, he knew nothing about giving birth. Nor about the children. As he paced back and forth in the living room hours later, hearing Oscar scream every now and then, he realized even more clearly how little he knew about the births. How was it possible that this took so long? How was it possible that a woman who had never even groaned when he accidentally had stabbed her with a sword or when she had fallen off her horse now suffered so much? God, if he knew.. How could he ask her to make such a sacrifice?..

- Andre! Get some more hot water! - his grandmother, who suddenly appeared with a pelvis full of water and blood, ordered him

Andre looked at her with terrified eyes.

- Why is it taking so long, Grandma? - he asked, almost in a whisper - Are you sure everything is okay?

- What were you thinking? - Marie pouted - That giving birth is like snapping your fingers? No, giving birth is hard work, especially the first one. There is a bit of a complication, because the baby is wrongly positioned, so we will have to turn it over - she said mechanically, but saw that Andre is starting to turn pale so she added - Bring the water, this is the best way to help us! - And by the way, maybe you won't pass out here, the old lady thought, laughing inwardly.

Around three in the morning, Andre, tired of stress, fell asleep reclining on the sofa in the sitting room.

...

- Andre - Grandma Marie shook his shoulder tenderly - Wake up, Andre - she said gently

He opened his eyes slowly, still very sleepy. He saw Grandma lean over him with a soft smile, and suddenly he remembered everything. He jumped up from his chair.

- What about Oscar ?! - he shouted - And about the child?

- Come on - said Grandma, taking his hand and pulling him along

They quietly entered Oscar's bedroom and approached her bed. Oscar was sleeping deeply and peacefully, her cheek pressed against the pillow. She was very pale but was breathing normally. Beside her, hugged against her shoulder, was a small bundle.

- Do you want to pick him up? - Grandma asked in a whisper

- Him? - Andre whispered, his throat lowered with emotion

- Yes - nodded Marie - You have a son, Andre. He was born today with the first rays of the sun.

Andre covered his eyes with his arm for a moment, fighting back the tears that had begun to gather at the corners of his eyes.

- I don't want to wake him up - he said finally

- He's awake - replied grandmother - When Oscar fell asleep, we put him to her breast so that he would eat a little. He ate enough, but he did not fall asleep. He's just lying there and looking at me with those big eyes - Marie laughed softly

She saw that the grandson, out of emotion, was not even able to answer. So she walked over to the bed and gently picked up the little bundle, then skillfully placed it in his arms.

Andre looked at his newborn son for the first time. He was so tiny that he was lost in the large, white blanket he was wrapped in. It had tiny hands clenched into fists, a tiny head framed by a mop of dark hair, a small nose and large eyes, blue as the sea depths.

- He's so lovely - Andre sighed in delight, then touched the baby's smooth hair with the tips of his fingers. Compared to his hand, the baby's head seemed even smaller. The baby, feeling the touch, moved slightly, then yawned delightfully - Is he sleepy? - Andre asked from her grandmother

- Probably he is - she replied - The birth was very long and tiring, not only for Oscar, but also for him. Actually, I don't know why he's still awake. Why don't you take a walk with him for a while? Children love rocking.

Andre remembered what Oscar had told him once. „The baby was moving a lot. I started walking and it calmed down." Maybe this method also works when they are born? - he wondered. At first he walked over to the window where the sun was already shining bright.

- Look, honey - he said to the baby who was still staring at him with wide eyes - This is the world. When you get older, I'll show you everything. But now go to sleep - he hugged him tighter and began to walk around the room, slightly rocking him.

After several minutes, the boy fell asleep, gasping softly. Andre set it gently on the bed next to Oscar and sat there for a long time, watching them both. He was happy and downcast at the same time. Happy because the woman he loved bore him the most beautiful son. Depressed because the moment he felt like they were family was just an illusion that was about to dissipate. But as he looked at his baby's sleeping face, he knew it was worth it after all. Because he had already loved this little one the most in the world.

Finally he had to get up and go back to his duties. Because no one in the manor, except for them, should know that this day was absolutely special. He adjusted his son's blanket a little more, then he carefully covered Oscar.

- I'm sorry - he said quietly, looking at her face, which clearly showed the effort she went through - And thank you.. - he finished, leaving the room noiselessly.

- I'm home! - Andre shouted cheerfully, rushing into the living room a few hours later. His serene expression faded as soon as he saw the grimace on his grandmother's face. She paced back and forth with the crying baby in her arms, rocking him and trying to soothe him.

- My God, it's good that you are here! - she sighed with relief - You must go get that woman from Charonne who you make an appointment with!

- What?! - Andre was surprised - Right now? But.. What exactly happened? - he looked around the room, seeing a mess everywhere, which was completely unlike his grandmother. The baby was crying harder and harder.

- Oscar does not want to feed him - the old lady answered him in a grave voice - Rosalie went to get the cow's milk, we will try to dilute it a little and maybe we will survive somehow until you bring the wet nurse. But hurry up, Andre!

- Damn it! - he got angry - What is wrong with her!? What woman would allow her toddler to be starving!? I'll talk to her! - he opened the door with a bang

- Stop! - Marie shouted firmly, and he stopped in mid-step. Grandma rarely raised her voice, and he was not used to it - If she won't feed him, you can't make her. Upset, she won't be able to give him milk anyway. Better go get the wet nurse if your son's well-being is important to you.

Andre didn't hesitate to be back in an hour, bringing the woman to feed the baby.

It was a good thing that a month earlier his grandmother had ordered him to ask for a wet nurse in the area where they would live. It turned out that very close, almost next door, was a woman whose child had recently died. This woman, in order not to go mad with pain, fed two local children and agreed to take care of his child as well. He promised her a generous payment, because she was raising three more children and he could not imagine that she would do it for free. Andre knew that when they moved to Charonne, he would have to ask the woman for help for at least a few months. But he never thought her help would be needed so soon. It never crossed his mind that Oscar, even briefly, would not want to feed her own child. And he was furious with her.

Agathe, because that was the wet nurse's name, quickly took the baby from Marie's arms, sat down on the edge of the sofa and began to feed it. The little one, very nervous at first, quickly calmed down and began to suck greedily, almost choking. Andre watched it from the side, fists clenched in anger. How could Oscar do that? He couldn't believe it outright.

- I'm going to talk to her - he finally decided

Before he could do anything, however, Grandma walked over to him and took his hands. She led him to a table and made to sit down.

- She's not here anymore - she replied, still holding his hands in hers

- What?! - he shouted, surprised

- Be quiet, Andre - the grandmother nodded to the baby, already falling asleep next to Agathe's breast - Don't be nervous, okay? Will you not be?

Andre swallowed hard and nodded his agreement.

Marie sighed heavily before speaking again. She had never faced such a situation before. Even from her perspective, the whole story was hard to accept, let alone Andre, who was even more emotionally involved. And it wasn't just about the baby. Grandma knew very well that the boy had been in love with Oscar for a long time, although of course he never admitted anything. How would he feel when he found out everything?

- Oscar moved back to her apartment two hours ago - she said with her heart in her throat - And she forbade any of us to come to her and ask for anything.

Andre took a deep breath in his lungs and let it out slowly, trying to calm himself down. He promised his grandma he wouldn't be nervous, but it was so hard to keep that promise.

- There is one more thing, Andre - Marie added hesitantly, knowing that each word would hurt him more - Oscar got a letter from the general, informing her that he is returning from the mission tomorrow. Therefore.. We must leave the manor by tomorrow morning at the latest.

Marie just felt her grandson's hands, which she had kept in hers throughout the conversation, begin to tremble. The boy wasn't even mad anymore. He just sat with his head lowered sadly and was silent. After a long moment he looked up at her so sad that it took her breath away.

- Okay, Grandma - he only said very calmly - We've got plenty of time to pack, but we'd better get started. Agathe's sister took care of her children, so she herself will be able to stay with us here until tomorrow. I will give her and the child my room, I can sleep.. - ..in Oscar's room - somewhere else.

He took his hands out of hers with a calm gesture, then sat down next to Agathe on the sofa and looked with a gentle smile at the baby sleeping in her arms. He touched gently his head full of dark, matted hair. He was so tiny and vulnerable. Andre felt a wave of tenderness in his heart. This little creature was counting on him. On his strength, responsibility, wisdom. He could not fail his son.

- Thank you - he said in an undertone to the woman sitting next to him

Agathe smiled and shook her head. It wasn't something to be thanked for.

- What's the boy's name? - she asked curiously

Andre laughed, embarrassed.

- Of all this, I haven't chosen a name for him yet - he replied shyly

He didn't really choose a name because he believed that he and Oscar would choose it when the little one was born. However, it seemed that it would not be possible..

- There is no rush - Agathe said indulgently - I am sure that there will be a moment when this name will appear in your head, Monsieur - she smiled again, looking at the child carefully - He looks very similar to you - she added

- He's my son - said Andre proudly

It was last evening, last night, and then morning. Andre thrashed all night like a wounded animal, trying to preserve the memories. On the one hand, he never wanted to forget, on the other - recalling memories hurt. And the pain was unbearable.

But when he stood in the morning at the terrace window of the room Oscar had occupied before and saw the first rays of the sun appear on the horizon, for one tiny moment he felt happy. That's when the name popped into his head. Agathe was right, he didn't have to think much. This name would always remind him of that magical moment when his son appeared in this world. Like a ray of hope. Like love that warms the heart. Perfect name.

The next day, at the crack of dawn, a hired carriage stood in the courtyard of de Jarjayes Manor, packed to the brim with suitcases and bundles.

As they prepared to depart, Andre's soul was torn by conflicting emotions. The pain, sadness, and longing he was beginning to feel mingled with the excitement of this new life just beginning for all three of them. He looked at his son's tiny head, when the baby was sleeping soundly in his grandmother's arms, and felt a tear in the corner of his eye. He quickly rubbed his eyes with his sleeve, helped the women climb inside the carriage, and jumped onto the trestle himself. He looked hopefully at the manor door, but Oscar wasn't there. He waved goodbye to Rosalie standing nearby and motioned for the horses to move on. After a moment he turned once more. His last memory of that place was the painful absence of Oscar, who hadn't even come to see them one last time. Andre felt bitter and disappointed. Suddenly he realized that at that very moment, instead of the enormous love he had always fallen for Oscar, he felt something completely different. Something he completely did not expect from himself.

- So that's Andre Grandier? - Oscar's father said to her a few days after their departure - How low you fell.. - he added in disgust

These were the only words the general used to comment on the whole matter. For the next two and a half years, Andre Grandier did not appear in the conversation between them even for a moment.