CHAPTER 8 - Walking in the dark
Vadim Kiselev - "Autumn Wind", "Alone in the dark"
Oscar was awakened by the sun trying to break through the golden and brown leaves on the trees. She was lying on her back on a damp carpet of moss and leaves, her body stiffened. She opened her eyes slowly, trying to remember why she was there. Suddenly, the memory of what had happened the day before seized her consciousness, and she sprang up abruptly. Her stomach twisted dangerously again, but she didn't have much to vomit anymore, so she just felt a tug and began to cough. When the attack was over, she raised her hands in front of her eyes and saw that they were all dirty with decaying leaves, dirt and blood. The sides of her hands were scratched. Trees - she thought, remembering - the bark of trees. She struggled to her feet and walked to the river on trembling legs. She knelt at its edge and washed her hands and face. This activity sobered her up a bit. She sat down and tried to organize her thoughts.
…
As soon as she discovered a blood stain on the floor of the living room of a house in Charonne, she started knocking on the neighboring houses and the apartments of a small tenement house that stood nearby. Most of the townspeople didn't even open. Some people opened and then closed the door with a snap, glancing fearfully at her ornate uniform. In fact, Oscar went to Charonne without even changing clothes, and Parisians now feared soldiers more than criminals. However, two houses away, Oscar came across an elderly woman who nodded in response to the question of whether she knew the family who lived in a house with a large linden tree in the garden.
- Yes, they've lived here for a while - she said firmly - Marie Glace, a very nice person. And her grandson with that little boy. But they are gone. What is going on? - she asked suspiciously
- Don't you know what happened? Why did they leave? Where did they go? - Oscar asked, overjoyed that she had finally found someone who wanted to talk to her at all
- I don't know anything - said the old woman - It's just that one day the soldiers showed up, and the next day they left. My son helped them pack everything on such a big carriage. And him too.
- Him? - Oscar asked frightened - Are you talking about Andre Grandier, Madame?
- Of course, about him, and about whom else! - the woman pouted - He looked terrible, all battered. These soldiers are beasts.. - she broke off, because suddenly she realized that she was talking to one of them. Although this soldier looked different, he was kinder and more gentle, but he was a soldier after all. And it's probably one of the more important ones. Damn, my long tongue, the woman thought to herself, and added quickly - But I really don't know anything else.
- Soldiers? - Oscar was surprised, as if not hearing her last words - Who were these soldiers?
- I don't know. I don't know anything about it. Please ask Coulbert's boy, he was with them when it happened. Besides, Agathe, the boy's mother, had been friends with that family for a long time. She probably knows more.
The woman explained how to reach Agathe's apartment. Soon after, Oscar stood in front of the tenement in which she lived. The house was very old, you could see it clearly in the flaking walls and breaking shutters. The roof was also not in the best condition and the staircase smelled of mold and dirt. Oscar climbed to the second floor and knocked on the door of one of the apartments. After a while a nice looking woman in her forties opened her. Widow, as could be seen from her black skirt.
- Good afternoon - said Oscar - Is that Madame Agathe Coulbert?
- Yes - the woman replied hesitantly, eyeing Oscar's uniform and sword suspiciously
- I am sorry for the intrusion - Oscar smiled nervously - I'm Oscar Francois de Jarjayes - she extended her hand - Could we talk for a while?
The woman shook her hand uncertainly, staring at her with a strange expression on her face.
- De Jarjayes? - she asked, and Oscar nodded - Come in, Mademoiselle - she said finally, inviting her inside. She closed the door and motioned the other to a seat at the table.
The apartment was clean and tidy which was a great contrast to the condition of the whole building. The shutters had been repaired and the walls had been freshly whitewashed. The furniture was sparse and very simple, but all solid. There was a vase on the table in which sunflowers and asters were placed. Oscar held up a finger to touch the familiar ornamentation on the rim of the vase. The same vases were the family mementos of the nanny.
- I got it from Marie - Agathe said, seeing her examine the vase curiously
Oscar tore her eyes from the pattern on the vase and stared at the woman intensely.
- You're the mother of the baby, aren't you? - Agathe asked freely, sitting down in front of her
Oscar looked into her eyes but saw no mockery in them, the woman was sincere and friendly. She nodded.
- I breastfed your son until he was one year old - Agathe smiled - He is a nice boy, sensitive. Very similar to his father.
Oscar winced at the mention of Andre. It hurt.
- Thank you - she said - Thank you for taking care of my baby when I didn't want to.
The woman shook her head.
- I have told Andre many times that this is not something to be thanked for. But he thanked me anyway - she laughed - He was helping me all the time. What you see around you is all thanks to him. Despite having so many responsibilities of his own, he always made time for me to fix what broke. He's.. a good man - she added, blushing a bit.
Oscar did not miss the blush. But she wasn't going to ask about what was the private matter of the other. She understood that it was very easy for this woman to fall in love with someone like Andre. Only monsters like herself were indifferent.
- And you've come at last - Agathe said, trying to regain her balance – But it's too late now.
Her words helped Oscar come back to reality.
- What happend, Madame? - she asked in a trembling voice - Why did they leave?
- They had no choice - the other replied - One day the soldiers came and told them to leave. My younger son - she pointed to the child who was sitting by the window with a book - was playing in Marie's garden when the others came. Apparently they screamed and smashed everything. They beat Andre.. - she added with difficulty, her eyes glazed over
- I found blood in their living room.. - Oscar whispered
- Yes - Agathe nodded - When I ran, Marie was bandaging his head - her voice broke - He was in poor condition.
- And the baby? - Oscar felt her hands tremble
- He's all right, they didn't touch him - the woman reassured her - When I came, Lu was very scared and cried. I had to hug him for a long time before he stopped shaking. And then I took care of him while Marie packed their things. She.. didn't want to explain anything to me. She said the less I know the better for me. I don't even know where they went..
- Damn - Oscar cursed, clenching her fists. It all seemed very suspicious. And how is she supposed to find them now? - And the soldiers? Did you know who these soldiers were? Maybe the Royal Guard? - she asked
Agathe looked at her uniform intensely, as if only now realizing many things that she had never known before. Then she turned to her son and motioned him to come over. A boy, about ten years old, stood next to his mother and stared at Oscar.
- The Royal Guard no, Monsieur - the boy said
- Mademoiselle - his mother corrected him, and his eyes widened even more
- How do you know it wasn't the Royal Guard? - Oscar asked him curiously
- Sometimes I go to Versailles to watch the guards - the boy blushed - And they didn't have such uniforms. Those had navy blue jackets, but not like the City Guard, some other. And yellow vests.
- Dragons - Oscar said to herself - But what would the Dragons want from Andre? Do you remember anything else? - she asked the boy - Any detail? Maybe a commander?
The boy first shook his head in disagreement, but then looked at her and pointed his finger at her sword.
- Lion - he said
- I don't understand - Oscar replied
- When I was running away to call my mother, I noticed there was a carriage in the alley. And it had a lion on his side like yours, Madmoiselle.
Oscar held her breath.
- Thank you, boy - she replied almost soundlessly, fighting the rising panic.
Agathe sensed her change of mood.
- You know who they were, Madmoiselle - she said rather than asked, and Oscar nodded - You'll find them, won't you? Andre and the boy?
- I'll try - Oscar replied softly – Thank you for all. Goodbye.
There was no time to waste, she had to act right away. Before getting up, she took all the money she had with her from her vest. Including those that Andre didn't pick up and those that she was supposed to pay that day. She put them on the table and headed for the door. Agathe sat stunned for a moment, staring at the money.
- Madamoiselle! - she shouted for the other to stop - Mademoiselle Oscar!
Oscar stopped and turned to her. She nodded, pointing to the money.
- Take them - she smiled - For everything you've done for my son. And for Andre. I can't repay you otherwise, so take this at least. Find a better home for your kids. Take care of their education - she looked at the three children who now gathered around their mother and stared at her, at the greatest amount of money they had ever seen in their lives – Keep well! - Oscar said for goodbye and left.
As she drove back towards the de Jarjayes mansion, she realized that she had not asked Agathe about the child's name. Lu, she remembered. The other said so. What exactly was her son's name? When I find them, I'll learn it myself, she thought firmly.
…
Oscar stormed into her father's office. She slammed the door hard, ran to the desk where he was sitting, and slapped her fists on the tabletop so hard that all the items jumped.
- How could you do that, Father!? - she screamed - Why did you do that ?!
The general looked at her with pity, put the paper he had in his hands calmly back on the desk, then leaned back against the chair and folded his arms at chest height.
- Don't yell at me, Oscar - he warned, in a sullen voice - You have to calm down immediately.
- I'm not fucking calming down! - Oscar yelled at the top of her throat - I won't calm down until you explain to me what all this is about!
- I see you've visited Charonne again - the general replied, without any sign of emotion - That's why Oscar, that's exactly why. Someone had to clean it up, if you just couldn't help yourself.
- What the hell are you talking about, Father!? - the woman blushed with anger
- I know you were there. When the boy turned a year, you went to them - said the old man coldly - I decided to give it up, because it was the first time. But when you went there again..
- How do you know that I ...? - Oscar began, then broke off, dropping helplessly on the chair - It is impossible. Did you order someone to follow me?
- It's clear - confirmed the general - As a commander, you should know that control is the highest form of trust. And it turned out that I was right. You can't be trusted, Oscar. You broke our contract.
- Yes, I did - she nodded - But if you had me followed, you know very well that I haven't even met them. I just went to see if they were doing well, nothing else.
- It doesn't matter, Oscar - the general continued in a cold voice - Our deal was clear. You were supposed to give up the baby right after birth and never see him again. If you couldn't keep it, I had to take care of it myself.
- To take care? By killing Andre? - Oscar whispered with difficulty
- Oh, no, it wasn't planned - the general laughed - My soldiers were only supposed to deliver a message, scare him a little, so he would leave immediately. Well, I couldn't help it that the boys got carried away a bit!
- You're lying! - hissed Oscar, staring at him
- Curb your tongue, Oscar - growled the general - I guess you've forgotten who you talk to!? I'm not one of your soldiers! You should be grateful to me for trying to fix your own mistakes. Yours! It was you who disgraced the family by giving yourself to the commoner and bearing him a child! What if someone found out!? You put us in danger, and now you still hold a grudge against me! I was just trying to save our family, the honor of this family! Also yours! And I succeeded. They've all vanished from here, and no one will ever know. I wanted only that.
- Where are they? - Oscar asked weakly - Do you know where Andre and my son are?
- How do I know? - the general waved his hand dismissively - And even if I knew, I wouldn't tell you. And I absolutely forbid you to look for them! If I find out you're trying, I'll find them earlier, Oscar. I'll find them and take care of this once and for all. You know me well enough to realize I'm capable of it. Remember what I once told you.
Oscar looked at him with a mixture of rage and sadness. When did her father change like that? Since when was he able to kill a man in defense of something as fleeting as honor? When did he stop loving her? Was there a stranger in front of her?
She felt that she could not stand even a moment longer with him in the same room. Without a word, she got up and left, slamming the door.
…
She stopped the horse when she reached a place she knew well. She should only cross the grove to reach the Seine fork. There they used to come with Andre from early childhood to swim, play or climb trees. Later, they spent hot afternoons there, reading or talking. They ate apples, threw cores, and laughed to tears. It was such a wonderful time, carefree and happy. When Andre was with her, everything was simpler, brighter. When she fell, he was there to support her. When he was happy, he shared his own happiness with her. Always equally. Fairly.
And now she was all alone. No arms to hug her. Without the voice, the sound of which was already soothing.
Oscar took Caesar's reins in her hands and, step by step, plunged into the forest. The sun was setting below the horizon, and the sky was turning purple and then gray. Oscar didn't seem to notice it. She was walking automatically, not looking around. Eventually she reached her destination, left her horse at the waterhole, and sat down herself, leaning against the tree trunk.
She sat and wondered when she had actually gotten so lost. When she lost sight of what mattered most. What the devil had told her that she would find meaning only when she pushed away all those who were close to her. What utter nonsense! She never found that meaning. Work gave no satisfaction when you couldn't share it with someone. Lonely ways home, lonely evenings. Even the tea alone tasted more bitter. How she missed those afternoons spent reading and talking. Andre often sat at the table scratching something, then read to her what he wrote. Sometimes they laughed together if the text was funny. Another time they were moved to tears.
She remembered that one day he would not let her read what he wrote. She was surprised because it was the first time. Finally, after a long chase, she snatched the paper from him and read it with her eyes blazing with curiosity. Then she sat there for a long time, pensive. Andre wrote a story about the vanishing goddess.
„One day a goddess came to live in an olive grove of a poor farmer. She was a beautiful woman with eyes like two lakes and long ebony hair that reached her feet. The goddess walked among the olive trees in her airy robes, and wherever she touched the tree was sprouting new leaves and buds. The young farmer watched her from a distance, afraid to come closer. But when the goddess looked over his shoulder while he was working, he asked her:
- Each of the gods has some attributes - he said politely - Zeus has his lightning bolt, Hermes has wings at his boots, Athena wields a bow and arrows, and Ares has his sword and shield. What attribute do you have, lady?
The goddess looked at him attentively, then spread her arms out and showed him her empty hands.
- But there's nothing here! - the farmer was surprised
- I am a vanishing goddess - she replied - I come to test people's hearts. My attribute is "nothing" because I show them how easy it is to lose what you love.
The farmer didn't understand any of this, but the goddess made him sit down and listen. She said that since she was born with the first olive tree, she has been walking around the world and testing men, women and children. Her natural charm soon makes people care for her. She was a mother for them, a sister, a friend or a lover. But the goddess admitted that she enjoyed testing men's hearts the most because they were more naive and gullible. She then took her true form and made them fall hopelessly, madly in love with her. And she graciously allowed them to do so, yet they could only love her in secret. At the very moment they revealed their love to her, she vanished, leaving them in despair.
- Why are you telling me all this? - asked the surprised young man - Have you not come here to test my heart?
The goddess laughed.
- Your olive grove is a very nice place. I came here to rest.
Because the goddess saw no man in the poor farmer who could fall in love with her. However, she did not foresee that love sometimes comes even when someone is not consciously trying to arouse it. And the farmer has gone mad with love. But he knew that he could never, ever tell her about it, because then she would disappear from his life and he would never see her again. So he feigned indifference as his heart burned with heat. Years passed, and the goddess still strolled among the olive trees, sometimes resting among their boughs. In the evening, she always lay down among the roots of the largest tree and fell asleep, just like a human.
One evening the farmer felt he could not stand it anymore. He went to the goddess sleeping among the roots of the olive tree and touched her hair. Then he leaned in and touched her lips with his in a kiss as soft as the thump of a butterfly's wings.
- I love you - he whispered softly, thinking she wouldn't hear
Only the poor farmer forgot that he was not dealing with an ordinary woman. The goddess opened her eyes wide and looked at him with an expression of utter amazement.
- Why did you do that? - she asked
Then she vanished, blurring like a mist in the rays of the rising sun.
And the farmer has gone mad with grief. He walked all over Greece, from grove to grove, from one olive tree to another, looking for her, but he never saw her again. Out of despair, he threw himself into the sea, because he preferred death to life without her.
So sometimes it's better to be silent than to open your own heart. "*
Oscar took another sip of wine from the half-empty wineskin. Why did she remember exactly this story? Andre wrote so many, why this one?
What did you want to confess with that, Andre?
Her head was spinning, but she didn't care. She had to suppress this pain or she would go mad. Wasn't she herself like that vanishing goddess to Andre? She laughed. Andre never said he loved her. She didn't even know if he felt anything more than friendship for her. Though she had told him so frankly and audaciously about the motives that had prompted her to spend the night with him, she had never asked him about his motives.
Why did you do this to me then, Andre? To cheer me up? Out of pity? Or did you love me after all? Is that why you fought so hard for this child then?
Child.
The pain she felt when she thought of this little creature bent her. She rested her hands on the carpet of dry leaves and took a few deep breaths, trying to contain her despair.
You left him. You abandoned him like an unnecessary thing. You are a monster with no feelings.
I miss you little son. I miss you so much ..
She missed that little head, which she touched only with the tip of her fingers. She missed those little hands. Missed the weight of his body in her arms. Nobody knew about it, but on that last day she took him in her arms and hugged him tightly to say goodbye. And then she ran away because the longer she looked at him, the harder it was to leave him.
I'll explain it to you one day, son. I'll explain it to you one day, Andre.. If we meet again, I'll be begging you for forgiveness. If..
Oscar remembered what that old woman from Charonne had said. Andre was in bad shape. What if..
She felt more dizzy and the first tug in her stomach. What if Andre died?
- Oh no, no, it's impossible, he couldn't die! I must see him, I must see him again - these last words she whispered desperately, trying to get up from her knees. She rested her hands on a tree trunk, but her hands slipped helplessly and the bark peeled off her skin. She fell limp again and began to vomit. She didn't know anymore whether it was the fault of the wine or the realization that she might never see him again. When the jerks stopped, she lay down, exhausted, on the forest floor that had already begun to damp.
Even if Andre died, she thought painfully, I still have someone to live for. I need to find my own son. And I'll do anything to find him. Damn the consequences!
* To Verset, the answer for your question: The story of the goddess, I made it up myself. I hope you like it :)
