CHAPTER 10 - Anger and lullaby
Vadim Kiselev - "Lullaby"
When she knocked on the door, at first nothing happened for a long time and no sound came from inside. Oscar stood for a moment wondering what to do next. She was afraid to push the doorknob. The memory of that day, when she had entered the house in Charonne, finding the scattered furniture and a large stain of blood on the floor, was still vivid in her mind. She didn't want to experience something like that again. So she knocked once again. After a few minutes she heard the sound of small footsteps at the far end of the house and the door swung open. The person behind them was an old lady with messy hair and a sleepy face. As her gaze fell on the woman standing at the threshold, her expression changed in the blink of an eye. Marie opened her eyes wide in astonishment and covered her mouth with her hand. She stood there for a moment, just staring at Oscar, who also froze, not knowing what to do or say.
- Good evening, Nanny - Oscar said finally, her voice trembling with emotion
The elderly woman suddenly woke up from lethargy. With a loud sob, she threw herself at the younger woman's neck, squeezing her tight.
- Oscar.. - she whispered - You are finally here! You don't know how many times I've dreamed of seeing you on our doorstep! Let me take a look at you - she said, stepping back from her a little - How skinny you are! - she added shocked - And what are these clothes!?
- I'm sorry, Nanny - Oscar laughed, feeling as if a heavy weight fall from her heart - It took me a week to get here and the conditions along the way were terrible!
- Come quickly! - Marie took her hand and pulled her inside the house - You must change and eat something!
Oscar looked anxiously inside, which did not escape the old lady's attention.
- Andre isn't here yet - she said by default - He's working and will be back later. And the boy is already asleep. I just took a nap, putting him to sleep - she ran a hand through her messy hair.
- Can I leave my horse in your stable? - Oscar asked again.
- Of course, honey! - Marie exclaimed with a broad smile.
The stable was small, with stalls for up to three horses, and at that moment empty. Right next to it was a room in which a small black and white cow stood sleeping peacefully. Oscar left the horse in one of the stalls, gave him a bucket of water and some oats, and returned home.
During this time, Marie prepared hot water for washing and a meal for her. Oscar washed off the dirt and then helped the nanny pour out the water. When she sat down to dinner, refreshed and dressed, she felt really great. The food was simple, veggie soup, barley pie with honey, and coffee, but Oscar seemed to be the best dinner she had eaten in years. As she ate, she looked carefully around the inside of the house. From the porch one entered a large room that served as a kitchen, dining room and living room. There was a huge stove in one corner, and a round table with chairs and a long bench in the other. The room must have been very bright, it had three large windows and an exit to the terrace, from which at that moment she could still see a graying view of the garden. There was a desk by one of the windows, more ornate than the rest of the furniture, with papers piled on top of it. This had to be where Andre wrote his articles. The room to the left and right of the main entrance had a door leading to the rest of the rooms.
- The house is not big - said Nanny, seeing that Oscar was watching everything with great attention. - But we are comfortable here. I also have a beautiful garden. I'll show it to you tomorrow if you like. Are you going to stay longer?.. - she asked hopefully
- As long as I don't disturb you.. - Oscar replied uncertainly
Marie looked at her for a long time, and seemed to be unsure what she should tell exactly.
- This wound is fresh, right? - she asked instead, immediately changing the subject - Come on, I'll put a bandage again. You certainly couldn't do it yourself properly.
The old lady brought the pieces of linen and the alcohol, and they both sat on the bench by the window.
- Ugly wound. From the bullet, right? - Marie said expertly - But it is sewn very nicely.
- It was Rosalie who sewed me up - Oscar said, gritting her teeth as nanny doused the wound copiously with alcohol.
- Really? - the woman asked surprised - This girl is very talented indeed.
- I met her in Paris on the day when the revolution began. She took me to the hospital and looked after me. From her I found out where you live.
- I'm not surprised - Marie said, without meeting her eyes - Rosalie has asked Andre many times to let her give you our address. But he was adamant..
Oscar felt the same uneasiness she had felt during that conversation with Rosalie.
- Andre.. - she began to talk slowly, feeling cold sweat on her forehead - Andre didn't want me to find you?..
Marie gave her one more look, then shook her head.
- Oscar - the old woman touched her hand gently - Andre.. He.. He experienced strongly everything that happened. Please.. Whatever he says, don't take it so much to heart. He certainly doesn't think so, but..
- Don't worry, Nanny - Oscar replied softly - I came here to talk to him and apologize. I would also like to.. meet my son.
Marie smiled faintly and nodded. Oscar really had no idea what she was going to face. The current Andre wasn't exactly the same person she had known for so many years.
- Do you wanna see the boy now?
- But he's already asleep!- Oscar objected - Let's not wake him up, Nanny. I'll have plenty of time for that tomorrow - she smiled broadly.
The old woman nodded again without saying a word, then picked up the bowl of water and headed outside. Oscar at that time sat for a while, staring at the window beyond which the world had already begun to disappear into the blackness of the night. She felt tired, afraid of what Andre would say to her, but most of all really excited about this new life that was waiting for her. Would she be able to adapt to it?
Fifteen minutes later Andre came home. His merry whistling was heard long before he himself appeared at the door. Oscar, hearing this, felt her hands tremble, and nanny gave her a frightened look.
- I'm home, Grandma! - he said cheerfully, standing on the threshold
He went inside, walked over to the old woman and kissed her cheek. Oscar huddled tighter in her corner by the window at the sight of him. The candle that stood on the table and the crackling fire under the stove were the only sources of light, so the presence of a third person initially completely escaped Andre's attention. Oscar watched his form which, though the man had grown more muscular over the years, was still so familiar. The memory of his arms wrapping around her naked body suddenly flashed into her head and took her breath away, and all her courage with it. So she tried to push those thoughts away because it was not the right time for them.
- Old Horace called me too late again - Andre said sarcastically, looking at the soup pot on the plate - One of the hooves was already slightly damaged, so I took off all the horseshoes so that the horse could rest. I'll be back there tomorrow to shoe it properly. I also left Robuste for them to go out into the field tomorrow, and I went on foot. I already thought that this storm would catch me, but I think it passed by - he started taking out a bowl and pouring soup.
- Andre.. - his grandmother began to say, seeing that he was completely unaware that they had a guest. If he had gone to the stables to see the horse off, he would have realized immediately.
- Uhm? - he muttered, busy preparing his own meal.
- Andre! - Marie said more firmly
The man, surprised by her tone of voice, looked at her attentively, and she nodded her head. When he turned that way, he finally saw a woman sitting at the table of his house. He paused and just stared at her for a long time without saying anything. Oscar also stiffened, because his gaze had little to do with a warm and kind welcome. On the contrary, it was cold and hostile. After a moment, Andre frowned and turned to his grandmother without greeting Oscar with a single word.
- What the hell is she doing here ?! - he said irritated.
- Andre.. - Marie whispered pleadingly
- How did she get here?! - he continued, as if he had heard nothing - I hope it wasn't you who brought her here, Grandma!?
- Andre.. - the old woman repeated
Oscar got up from the table and walked closer. Of course, she had expected Andre not to be delighted with her appearance, but it never occurred to her that he would react so violently. She felt devastated.
- Good evening, Andre - she said as gently as she could - Could we talk for a moment?
He looked at her grimly, his eyes dark with anger.
- We two have nothing to talk about - he hissed - You are to get out of this house immediately. I don't want to see you here! - he said again, and turned back to the stove as if he thought the conversation was over.
Oscar stood for a moment, unsure what to do next. She was a proud woman who was born a noble and such behavior of this commoner was like a slap on the cheek. But she had to remember that this was his house, he was the host, and she had no right to command him anymore. So she should go out and disappear as he wished. But..
Child.
Suddenly that one word popped into her head.
She didn't come here to argue. She also did not come to resign immediately. As she traveled those painful miles, sleeping in dirty beds and eating mean food, only one thought lit her way and made her get up the next morning. Her son was waiting for her there. And she had to see him.
- I'm not leaving - she said in a calm voice - I came to see my son.
- Your son?! - growled Andre, turning abruptly - Since when do you care for this child at all? Since when do you call him your son?!
- I have a right to do that - Oscar replied, still very calm
Andre just snorted with a mixture of contempt and amusement.
- She's right, Andre - Marie cut in - After all, she's his mother.
- A mother? - the man looked at his grandmother with eyes sparkling with anger - The mother?! What mother is throwing her child out of her house as if it were a worthless thing?! What mother would not visit her child for over four years at all?! Even once! Oh no, no! - he shook his head firmly and point his finger at Oscar - She's not his mother! It's just the woman who gave birth to him!
- Let me explain everything.. - Oscar whispered, feeling the view in front of her eyes slowly blur.
- I don't want to hear anything - Andre said grimly - Get out!
- Andre.. - Oscar's voice cracked noticeably
- Are you fucking deaf! - Andre shouted, already completely out of balance - Get out!
In the silence that followed his words, everyone heard well the cry of the baby, which at that moment sounded in the next room.
- That's great! - Grandma huffed angrily - You woke him up with your senseless screams! I had to put him to sleep this long.
- I'm sorry, Grandma. I will go to him - he stopped the woman with a movement of his hand and, sending Oscar a dark look, he went towards the room from which the crying was coming.
Oscar stood petrified for a long moment, fighting the tears that had burst in her eyes. But she knew well that she deserved it. Every word Andre had just shouted at her was true. A painful reality. Only he didn't know so many things yet, and she had so much to tell him, to explain. But how to do it if he doesn't even want to talk to her now.
- Follow him - Marie whispered to her and pointed to the door to the room where Andre had disappeared.
Oscar shook her head. It was completely pointless. It would only upset him more, and it would't help anyone at all.
- Go, Oscar - Nanny walked over to her and lightly pushed her towards the door
…
- Why did you shout like that, Papa? - asked the little boy, putting his arms around man's neck - I got scared.
- I'm sorry, honey - said Andre, hugging him - I promise it will never happen again. Come, lie down here. I'll sing you a lullaby, okay?
- Yes! - the boy smiled radiantly and rubbed his sleepy eyes with his fists.
Andre sat up on the bed and leaned his back against the wall while the baby closed his eyes and rested his head in his lap. The father covered him with a sheet and began to sing, stroking his son's lightly matted hair.
.
Somewhere far away is a land, a dreamland
The sky is pink and the clouds are cotton candy
There are big gardens, but in trees
Sweet cakes hang instead of apples
.
On huge meadows full of rustling grass
Unicorns gallop, raising their horns to the sky
You are safe here, my little bunny
Nothing bad will ever happen to you
.
In this dreamland our rabbit family
Will be stuck together in happiness
No evil will touch us, no pain
Neither lion nor lynx will scare us
.
Oscar stopped, leaning against the doorframe, as her legs completely failed her. In the soft candlelight, she could see father and son huddled together. Andre stroked the boy's hair gently and tenderly and sang him a soft song, the melody of which was known to Oscar almost forever. When she was a child, Nanny often sang this melody to her for bedtime. The beautiful, gentle sounds of childhood that were now only a memory from the past. Only the words of the song seemed different. These must have been arranged by her childhood friend for sure. She remembered that Andre had always liked making up new words to familiar melodies, and his imagination was endless.
She stood and looked at them for a long time, feeling the wave of emotion flood her heart. The boy had grown a lot since the last time she had seen him. His hair was longer now, and his fair skin was red from the sun. The child was an exact copy of his father, they had exactly the same shape of the nose and mouth, the same line of cheeks. They were both beautiful. Perfect. Oscar thought so. She stood clutching the doorframe, tears streaming down her cheeks.
After a few minutes the boy fell asleep. Andre finished humming, looked up, and only now did he notice the woman standing in the doorway. His gaze boldly searched her tear-stained face and red eyes. Oscar thought he was mocking her with just a look. She lowered her head and went back to the main room. Without a word, she sat down at the table, squeezing into the same corner as before. After a while Andre also returned. Without saying a word, he went over to the pot of soup, poured himself a plate, sat down at the table and began to eat. When he finished, he pushed his plate away and looked at the two women who were now sitting side by side on the bench.
- You can stay until tomorrow - he said to Oscar, his voice seemed resigned - When I get home from work, we'll talk and then you leave. You can sleep here today. I think we still have a mattress to put on the floor.
- Andre! - Marie said indignantly
- What's the matter? - the man asked coldly - Do you prefer her to spend the night in the hay in the stable? Free way, I won't stop her! It is going to rain soon - he added, and the thunder outside the window onlyconfirmed his words - but if she does not like the floor in our house, she will have to look for another place.
- I will stay, Nanny - Oscar put her hand on the old lady's shoulder with a gentle gesture - Thank you - she said to Andre with a slight nod of her head.
The man replied the same, only muttered an almost incomprehensible "good night" and shut himself up in his room.
- Would he get over it? - Oscar asked once they had laid out the mattress for her next to the stove
- I think so - Nanny smiled at her reassuringly - He's really angry now, but he's a good boy, he won't be angry forever.
After all, I'm not quite sure about it, the old lady thought, though she didn't intend to share these fears with Oscar so as not to discourage her. The girl had already listened enough for one evening.
...
There was a storm outside. Heavy rain beat on the roof and windows, and the wind roared through the chimney. Oscar was lying in total darkness on a makeshift bed, and sleep was not coming. She was afraid of the next day. How would it be to get to know her own child? Would she be able to make contact with him? What if the boy wouldn't like her?
And Andre? What would Andre say to her?..
.
In this dreamland our rabbit family
Will be stuck together in happiness
No evil will touch us, no pain
Neither lion nor lynx will scare us
.
Oscar remembered the words of the lullaby Andre was humming. She shuddered as if she only now understood their meaning. She didn't belong to their family. She was a stranger. She was the lion to be feared and from which Andre wanted to protect his son.
Andre..
He..
He really hated her now.
She pressed her face against the makeshift pillow to stifle the sobs that shook her chest again and again. Finally, exhausted by crying, she fell asleep.
