CHAPTER 12 - Ella
Vadim Kiselev - "Whisper"
The next day, after breakfast, Oscar was sitting on the bench at the table, leaning against the wall. Her shoulder hurt a lot, but she tried not to show anything, because she didn't want to worry either the nanny or the child. She just stared blankly out the window, trying not to analyze her feelings too much. Lusien was sitting right next to her with his hands all dirty, because the challenge of the day was to paint a horse on a piece of paper, but necessarily with charcoal. So he focused on black lines, and then rubbed the contours with his little fingers. Her son had really crazy ideas!
Marie was bustling around the stove, preparing dinner, sometimes throwing anxious glances at the woman sitting at the table. Oscar looked very worried. Of course, it wasn't weird considering the situation, but Nanny had known this girl since she was born and could see that something was biting her a lot. When Oscar sighed for the tenth time, Marie couldn't stand it.
- Are you sure you are well? - she asked concerned
Oscar looked at her, trying to look normal, but then confessed.
- No - she answered honestly - It's a hand. My hand hurts.
And the heart, she thought.
Nanny looked at her searchingly. She didn't believe her.
- You can ask me anything if you want.
Oscar swallowed hard. How was it possible that these people knew her so much when she thought she didn't know them at all? She glanced at her son, but he seemed completely absorbed in his activity and ignored them.
- The girl who lent me the dresses.. - Oscar began to say, nervously flexing her fingers.
- Ella - Marie said - Ella Moreau. Her father is a miller here in Angles.
Oscar pondered deeply. She didn't really know what to ask. All the questions felt so silly and inappropriate. Was it serious? Did Andre love her?
Why should she even care?
- You are worried, but unnecessarily - Marie said after a moment in a cheerful tone, and Oscar looked at her, blinking nervously - They're really good, decent people. I'm sure Ella will be able to take care of the baby, even though she is young and inexperienced. You know.. - the old lady sat down at the table for a moment, rubbing her hands – I'm quite old arealdy and sometimes I simply lack strength. I really need some help, and I know Ella can take care of the house. She is a very capable and sensible girl. What is even more important is that Lusien likes her.
- Yes! - confirmed the boy happily, taking a break from his work for a moment - Aunt Ella is so nice! He takes me on trips and buys me sweets at the Chauvigny market!
Oscar nodded, smiling faintly. It wasn't exactly what she wanted to hear.
- Despite what happened - said Nanny, lowering her voice so that the child couldn't hear her – I'm pretty sure you and Andre will get along somehow. I don't believe he'll want to separate you and.. - she wanted to say "baby", but just nodded slightly in the boy's direction. - I think Ella won't mind you visiting him, even after they get married. Do not worry! - the old woman reached across the table and squeezed her hand gently.
- I can help you too, nanny.. - Oscar replied with a trembling voice.
Marie laughed sincerely at the words.
- My dear - she replied - I appreciate your willingness, but I don't think you can.
- I can learn..
- Oh, yeah! - the older woman smiled significantly - As if I heard Andre. You're both just as stubborn. When you are well, I will of course be happy to teach you something. Eventually there will come a day when you will have to live alone and it would be better if you know how to prepare a meal or wash your clothes.
"To live alone.." Oscar repeated in mind like an echo. She felt her head humming. She had never even considered such an option. The Jarjayes Manor was always full of people and she never felt alone. Driving here, she thought naively that Andre would just let her live with them. As if it were the most natural thing in the world. How wrong she was. It was clear that if Andre got married, there would be no room for another person in this house. Anyway, which wife would accept another woman at home, especially one with whom her husband had something to do with. Even if this "something" was only one night together ..
…
She met Ella unexpectedly a week later.
The wound on her arm seemed to heal without any problems, but one day Oscar woke up and felt as if her body was on fire and she did not have the strength to get out of bed.
Two days earlier, she and the nanny had tidied up the old storage room, which has now become her own room. The room was tiny, with only a bed, a chest of drawers, and an armchair inside, but Oscar still felt much better than sleeping night after night on the floor under the stove. But now the locked room turned out to be a trap.
- Nanny.. - Oscar tried to call, but too softly for anyone to hear.
The old woman did not come in until an hour later, surprised that the girl was still not getting up. By this time, Oscar had already passed out. So Nanny ran to the neighbors asking for help, and in half an hour Ella Moreau arrived at the hut. She checked the woman's body temperature and the wound on her arm, but found no signs of infection. To lower the fever, she recommended cooling her hands and feet with cold compresses. After a while, Oscar's body temperature actually dropped noticeably and the woman woke up. When she opened her eyes, she saw an unknown person sitting by her bed. The girl could not be more than twenty and was very beautiful. She had an olive complexion and brown eyes framed by thick, long lashes, and black curls cascaded down her back. The carmine-colored dress that hugged her slim body emphasized her beauty and youth even more.
- Good morning - Oscar whispered politely, trying to look at the girl more closely, despite the mist still covering her eyes.
- Good morning, Mademoiselle Francoise - replied the other. She had a nice, low-pitched voice with a barely noticeable foreign accent. - How are you?
Oscar raised her hand in front of her eyes, then touched her own forehead. It was warm, but it no longer burned like a hot stove.
- I'm better, thank you - she replied, shifting her body and settling on the pillows so that she could see more.
- I'm Ella Moreau - she held out her hand and Oscar squeezed it.
- You're Andre's fiancée, aren't you? - Oscar asked, thinking her friend had really good taste. The girl was lovely and very nice.
Ella blushed and looked down.
- We're not engaged - she said honestly.
- Ah - Oscar opened her eyes in surprise - Then I'm sorry. Nanny Marie said that.. - she broke off, because she suddenly realized that she didn't know this woman at all and that she had no right to ask questions about her private life.
- No problem - Ella replied, rummaging through the basket in her lap - I have herbs here that should help you recover. I will give them to Grandma Marie and she will brew them for you twice a day. And please don't overdo yourself for a few days at least. It is best if you stay in bed a little longer.
Oscar looked at her closely.
- Are you a doctor?
- Do I look like one? - Ella laughed - No. Women like me don't become doctors. I just have a bit of experience in herbalism and medicine. People like me are called quacks here.
Oscar giggled.
- I always imagined quack as old man with a long, gray beard who lived in a forest hut covered with a moss. Or toothless old lady, like those from fairy tales about witches.
Ella laughed again and shook her head in disbelief.
- Andre told me exactly the same! You can see right away that you used to be friends.
Oscar stopped laughing. You used to be friends. Ella's words scraped like a sharp knife. We used to be, Oscar thought. The girl immediately noticed the change of mood. Before she could say anything, however, Lusien burst into the room, swinging the door wide open as usual, and leapt onto the Oscar's bed at cheetah speed.
- Auntie! - the child hugged her tightly, embracing her waist with his arms - Why are you lying here? Are you sick?
Oscar looked over the child's head at a woman standing nearby. Ella knew everything, exactly everything, about the whole situation. And it embarrassed them both.
- It's not a big deal, Lusien - Oscar replied, stroking his head - Say hello to Aunt Ella, okay?
The boy noticed the other woman only now and in a moment he pressed tightly against her legs.
Oscar noticed again how sweet this child was, so kind and friendly to everyone. She loved him from the moment she met him, more and more every day. This love was so obvious, so natural. As if the past had been cut off and forgotten. As if only this present moment was real and the love she felt. But Oscar knew that was not true and the past was just waiting outside the door to remind her of itself. When she realized that soon she would have to leave that sweet child again, she felt devastated. Maybe that was what made her body sick? As if it knew that full health would mean a goodbye.
After hugging the aunt, Lusien stood in front of her as if waiting. Ella crouched down in front of him, smiling broadly, and the boy held out his hand.
- You rascal! - the girl laughed, reaching into the pocket of her skirt and pulling out a small bundle
- Yay! Thank you Auntie! - Lusien shouted overjoyed and then sat down on the bed, next to Oscar, unpacking the package and savoring the sweet cake it contained.
- I'll leave Grandma these herbs now - Ella said, turning to Oscar - If you still feel unwell, send for me.
- Thank you, Mademoiselle Moreau - Oscar replied.
- Ella. Call me Ella - the other smiled and left.
Afterwards Oscar was long thinking and analyzing the whole situation. She really should hate Ella. Eventually, this woman who appeared at Andre's side would try to take her place as the mother of the child. But how could you hate someone so good and kind? And Andre.. Andre had the right to make a life for himself. How could she blame him for not wanting to be lonely. After all, being alone is so sad and pointless, and her friend had every right to be happy.
By then, she should have known that she was just lying to herself.
…
When she saw these two kissing in the backyard garden a few days later, she felt angry and jealous. Suddenly, in one second, she realized how much she wanted to be in this woman's shoes right now, and the feeling embarrassed her so much that she didn't say a word all evening. She just glanced surreptitiously at Andre, trying to understand her emotions.
She came to Angles to find her son. She also came to reconcile with a friend. What awaited her was, in fact, a honeycomb love. This love she felt every day touching her son's little hands.
Other feelings, completely different, awaited her as well. One was the bitterness of the disappointment she felt as she looked into Andre's unfriendly eyes. And the second, which appeared suddenly and which she had never expected. A feeling as pungent as drinking a bottle of vinegar. All-embracing and confusing thoughts.
The feeling of losing what should be hers. Extremely selfish. Sometimes, in moments of honesty with herself, she wondered if she even deserved this child's love and other people's kindness. She was a really bad person after all.
…
- You can't send her away now, Andre! - Ella whispered indignantly.
The girl tried to speak quietly, but Oscar's alert ear immediately registered the conversation.
- Why not? - the man said - You said yourself that her wound is actually healed.
- The wound yes, but her health is still not the best - the girl replied firmly.
Andre was silent for a while, digesting what he heard.
- I didn't expect that it would be you who insist that she stay here longer - he replied with a sigh of irritation - I don't know how I can stand it. I can barely bear her presence anyway.
- Then if it's not for her, do it for the baby. Lusien likes her so much.
Another moment of silence.
- You're not jealous of me at all - Andre said, pretending to be offended.
- Why should I be jealous, honey? - the girl was surprised - You told me many times that your feelings for her are long gone. I have no reason not to trust you. And yet she..
- What about her?
- She is and will always be Lusien's mother - Ella said seriously - Do you really want something bad to happen to her? How could you later meet your son's eyes?
- How do you get such wisdom, girl? - Andre laughed softly and tried to tickle her, and she shook a finger at him, smiling.
- I'll think about it, okay? - he replied finally, defeated.
…
In the evening it started to rain again. Oscar was lying on her bed, listening to the drops pounding on the roof, and she couldn't sleep. The wound in her hand throbbed as if pieces of her flesh were being torn off one by one. Oscar wondered if she was going to die here after all.
Actually, why not? - she thought. She had already done what she had promised herself.
She found her son.
In fact, that was the only thing that interested her for a long time. Apart from the most important thing, nothing mattered. There was also no "later".
She was so focused on this main task that she didn't even think what would happen next when she found him. Now she knew. There was nothing waiting for her here. Her son didn't really need her at all. He had a father who loved him the most in the world and who did everything in his power to ensure that the child would not miss anything. He had a great-grandmother who took care of his needs. And soon he would also have a mother, a new mother. A mother who would never leave and would be a real support for him.
For someone like her, there was simply no place here.
So maybe death would be a convenient way out after all. Easy.
Oscar shuddered. She remembered exactly the feeling she experienced when she had sat alone in the quiet and deserted wing of Jarjayes' Mansion years ago. The realization that inside her stomach was a baby she didn't want, that she had to make a decision she didn't want at all, clouded her mind. She was then thinking about death. Repeatedly. She imagined herself hammering her own sword deep into her heart. Or that she was pulling the trigger of a gun to her own head. Sometimes she wondered what it would feel like to be drowning. She often felt that the distant Seine was whispering to her, summoning her to herself. And then these thoughts were lost in the darkness of unconsciousness.
Why didn't she do that then? Why didn't she end up with herself like that devil somewhere inside her whispered?
It was all Andre's fault.
Andre appeared magical always at the worst times. As if the blackness of her thoughts drew him like a magnet. He appeared suddenly, waking her from lethargy with his annoying presence. How she hated him! She blamed him for everything then, although she knew deep down that it wasn't true. So she tried to push away her remorse and focused all her anger on him. How unfair! Andre endured it all with equanimity and dignity. He had never even been angry with her once. His stoicism irritated her even more. How could he be so calm when her life fell apart and crumbled?!
So when he came to ask her how she was doing, she ignored him. When he wanted to keep her company, she kicked him out of the room. When he covered her with a blanket, she looked away..
The sound of falling rain grew louder. Oscar curled tighter under the covers, but she was still cold. The fever seemed to be returning.
Why did she remember all of this now?
You've told me many times that your feelings for her are long gone.
What did Ella mean by that? Feelings for her? How could Andre feel for her?
What feelings made him endure as she trampled on him?
What feelings held him with her, despite the screams and insults?
You're not jealous.
The feelings are long gone.
Oscar remembered Andre gently supporting her as she then lost herself in the garden in the middle of winter. His touch was warm and soothing.
Come on, Oscar.
And a voice so full of concern. So full of..
Was it love after all, Andre?
- What does it matter now - Oscar thought bitterly - when our roles have turned? Now I'm holding out my arms and he turns his back to me. What an irony..
..
As the fever rose, Oscar saw a scene of Moirai sitting at a wooden reel in front of her, spinning a thin thread of destiny. For some reason Oscar knew that this particular thread was her own. It was thin and shiny like the purest steel. It had to be also sharp, because Moirai's hands were all red with blood, but the goddess continued her work anyway. Oscar suddenly felt sorry for that immortal woman who had suffered such an ungrateful fate.
- That's enough, stop it.. - she whispered to her with the last of her strength.
When a startled Moirai looked up, throwing her long golden curls back, Oscar found in horror that she was staring into her own face.
Then she understood.
Dear Readers! I'm struggling with a writing and motivation crisis right now, so it's very possible that the next chapter won't be in a week, but later, possibly a lot later. Please be patient. And understanding. See you soon! (I hope :) )
