CHAPTER 14 - The day after
Vadim Kiselev - "The day after", "The Autumn Falls - September"
Her hands were all stained with blood. Blood ran down her wrists, making long, bloody paths on her shirt. Her dress was soaked already and it was carmine, although it should be light blue. The blood from the wound on his back wouldn't stop flowing, even though she tried with all her might to stop it. Andre went paler and paler. In the distance, she could hear a baby crying.
- Someone help me - she whispered again and again, but no one was there.
The image of dying Andre vanished, and she could see only her own hands, decorated with the redness of his blood.
- It's not my fault, it's not my fault..
…
Oscar jumped up from the bed abruptly. It took a moment for her to realize that it was just a bad dream and she was lying in her own bed in the sun-drenched room. There were no traces of blood on her hands, only the hair stuck to her sweaty forehead was evidence of a nightmare that was plaguing her a moment ago. Ever since the day she saw that scar on Andre's back, the dream of him bleeding and dying had haunted her every night. It was the fourth night in a row. In the evening she was afraid to even close her eyes, knowing what awaited her. She was exhausted.
She got slowly out of bed and began to put on her dress automatically. Halfway through dressing, her eyes fell to the bottom of the dress, covered in mud. So she pulled it off and reached for another. This one didn't look good either, dotted with mud spots all the way to the middle of the skirt. The third dress was in best condition. Oscar stood in front of a small mirror and began precisely tying the corset strings. Luckily Andre made sure each of the dresses Ella gave her had lacing on the front otherwise she wouldn't have been able to put them on. She had a lot of trouble wearing dresses for the first week, but then she got used to it. She was slightly taller than Andre's girlfriend, so the dresses did not drag on the ground, which was quite practical.
Oscar looked at herself in the mirror very carefully. When she first wore these feminine outfits, she thought she looked weird. For the first few days, she sneaked under Andre's gaze, blushing with embarrassment and wanting to sink through the floor. But he only nodded appreciatively the first time he saw her dressed like that, and then he completely ignored her. So her embarrassment slowly faded away. Now, looking at herself, she could see a woman in front of her. Slim, feminine and quite pretty. The reflection in the mirror showed someone completely different from the last thirty-something years in her life. Or maybe it's not only her appearance that changed?
Oscar cast one last look at the woman in the mirror and went to breakfast.
A surprise awaited her in the dining room. Lusien brought to the table his new pet. Now he was eating porridge, contentedly holding a large brown frog in his lap.
- Put that animal away when you are eating, Lusien - Andre admonished.
- No - the boy replied shortly.
- Lusien! - Andre got irritated - House is not a place for a frog. You should bring it back to where you got it.
- Daaad - the child sniffed - But I don't want to.. Jolie would be lonely if I leave her.
- What did you call it? - grandma Marie laughed. All three looked at each other amused.
Lusien loved animals. Horses the most, but he also liked all the dogs and cats in the area, and the animals he found in the garden and in the meadow. From his walks he brought home frogs, snails and crickets, and gave each of them a name. The names were amusing and utterly inadequate to those bearing them. Like the name Jolie (fr. pretty) to this particular frog.
- Your dad is right, Lusien - said Oscar after a while - Frog in the human house will not be happy. She probably already misses her own frog family.
Lusien looked sad. He stroked the frog gently and sighed.
- Do you think so, Auntie?..
- Yes, I do. I think Jolie would rather play with her brothers and sisters. And she certainly misses a bath in the river. We will do this way - Oscar leaned closer to him and stroked his head – Right after breakfast, we will sit down and draw the frog so that it can always be with you. And then we'll go down to the river and give it to her family. What do you think?
- We'll go together, Auntie, okay? - Lusien raised his head and looked at her with pleading in his eyes.
- Of course! - Oscar smiled - We'll take grandma, a frog and dirty underwear. Is it okay, nanny? - she added, laughing - I really have to do this laundry. All my dresses look awful. But I can't do it all by myself..
- Sure - the old lady nodded.
Andre looked at Oscar long and with interest, but said nothing. After breakfast, he went to work, and Oscar with Lusien, as promised, drew a frog.
- Will you sign the drawing for me, Auntie? - Lusien asked at the end – Jolie. Her name is Jolie.
Oscar wrote the frog's name in decorative letters, full of twirls.
- What's that letter? - the boy asked, pointing to the piece of paper.
- It's „j" - Oscar replied.
- And this one?
- "o"
- I'd like to learn the letters - Lusien said unexpectedly, then took the drawing and carried it to his room. After a while he returned and ordered - We're going to the river.
It was the beginning of September and the day was beautiful and sunny. There was no trace of the rains, and the harvest luckily did not suffer, to everyone's delight. Huge amounts of ripe apples and pears hung on the trees in orchards. It looked like the season would be successful after all.
The women took two tubs and a basket filled to the brim with dirty underwear, and Lusien took his frog. When they got there, they took the animal gently from the basket and laid it on the bank of the river, in a quiet place surrounded by rushes. Frog sat still for a moment, as if it didn't believe in its luck, and then jumped into the water and disappeard.
Lusien sniffed, tears welling up in his eyes. Oscar leaned over and put her arm around him.
- Think how pleased your frog is now to take a bath on such a warm day. Come on! Can you help me get some water for laundry washing? I can't do it without you - she smiled at him.
Lusien nodded and placed his little hand confidently in her.
In her past life, as Oscar liked to think of the time before her arrival to Angles, she had often watched women doing their laundry by a river or pond. The sight of their figures leaning over the bathtubes seemed so exotic to her that she sometimes stared at their work for a long time. She admired how they carefully rubbed the fabric on the grater and then rinsed it many times. There was something cutely innocent about this simple act. Now she knew that the everyday lives of these women were by no means innocent and not at all cute. Her own hands were now burned from the stove as she tried to help Nanny prepare the meals every day. Now there are these abrasions from the grater. When washing the second gown, cracks appeared on her hands, and Oscar gritted her teeth to keep from showing it. Meanwhile, Nanny Marie washed some of Andre's shirts and Lusien's clothes, singing cheerfully. Once again Oscar thought how little she still knew about real life and about hard work.
Andre showed up an hour later. He and Lusien played chasing crickets and running, later Andre offered a swim in the river. In the place where they stopped, the river had a gentle shore, so it was possible to scoop water for washing without any problems, and also safely go down and bathe. Oscar watched Andre patiently explain the secrets of swimming, then hold the boy so he could exercise. Lusien was a very clever student and quite quickly managed to swim a distance in a place where the river current was calm. After emerging from the water, father and son lay down on the soft grass mattress and watched the clouds, trying to guess their shapes.
Oscar looked at them for a long time, so carefree and happy. But when Andre's back flashed before her eyes, a scar clearly visible beneath his wet shirt stuck to his skin, she looked away. Guilt tightened her throat again. She sat down next to the tub and wiped the sweat from her forehead, trying to keep her hands from shaking.
- Is everything allright? - Marie asked her softly.
Oscar looked at her seriously.
- That scar on Andre's back, nanny.. - she asked bravely - Is it because of .
- Don't worry about it, child - the elderly woman interrupted her - It is a past already.
- I only want to understand.. - Oscar whispered.
Marie sighed in resignation. She sat down next to her and wiped her wet hands on her skirt.
- When the soldiers came, we were sitting at dinner - she began to tell - It was so unexpected that at first neither of us was even able to move. As they began to yell, Lusien started to cry and hug Andre. Then one of the soldiers forcibly tore the child from Andre's embrace and threw him on the floor. Can you imagine such bestiality? - Marie's voice cracked.
Oscar's hand tightened on the fabric of the dress. She couldn't get a word out.
- As you can imagine, when Andre saw this, he went berserk. He tried to throw them out the door, but there were three of them and he was the only one. While they fought, I picked up Lusien and tried to escape, but one of the soldiers was faster and cut us off. Then.. - the old woman's eyes glazed over - When he swung at us, Andre just covered us with his body. The sword cut was deep. Hence the scar..
- My father.. - Oscar said in a broken voice, feeling salty tears in her mouth - My father assured me that it was an accident.. That he did not order the soldiers to hurt you..
- I don't know that, Oscar - said Nanny in a flat voice - Maybe the soldiers did not obey his order properly.
- It's impossible - Oscar clenched her hands into fists - Father is too respected General for soldiers to just ignore his orders.
- So we have to assume that your father was lying, Oscar.. - Marie told her in a hard voice, then hugged her gently to her. Oscar trembled all over, even though the day was very warm.
- Andre will never forgive me for this, nanny - whispered the girl - Such a thing.. who could forgive something like that..
- I told you previously..
- That everyone deserves forgiveness, I know - Oscar replied, standing up and wiping her face from tears - But look at him - she pointed at the man sitting in the distance - He does not even talk to me. And now.. I am slowly beginning to understand him.
- Oscar.. - Marie put a hand on her shoulder gently - I still think the same as I told you then. However, you must remember that to forgive, you must be deeply convinced that you really want to do it. You just have to be ready for it. He apparently isn't yet. Andre, he.. He's always been stubborn, since he was a kid. Maybe you didn't notice, busy enough with your life, that there was someone so persistent and strong next to you that he was able to endure a lot. And I have always suspected that.. that you were his strength..
- Me? - Oscar was surprised, flushing a little.
- Yes, I think so - the old woman smiled - You see, you are surprised. It is quite natural that we least notice those who stand next to us in silence, no matter how faithful and steadfast. You were his strength, but all kind of strength eventually wears out. And even the greatest enthusiasm can be killed.. When.. - Nanny lowered her voice a bit - When we had to take the child and leave de Jarjayes Manor, Andre was devastated. But he didn't stop believing you would change your mind. After we moved to Charonne, he came out on the porch each evening, at time when you should be leaving after duty, waiting for you to show up. He waited like this for a year. On the day Lusien turned one, he went to wait last time. Then he stopped. When I asked him about it later, he said that if you didn't even show up on your son's birthday, meaned you really didn't care. So he too should stop living under illusions.
- I was there, Nanny - Oscar whispered - On Lusien's first birthday, I came to your house. But I didn't dare knock on the door.
Marie looked at her intently, surprised, then nodded.
- I wish you hadn't. Sometimes one small decision can change our future. Now, of course, it's too late, but at least you should tell him about it - Nanny nodded her head towards Andre, lying on the grass and talking happily with his son - I think he would like to know about it.
Oscar lost in thoughts. She saw Andre brush the boy's hair from his forehead, laughing.
- I'll tell him about it someday, Nanny - she replied confidently in her voice - One day I'll tell him everything.
When it was time to go home, the women picked up the laundry and put it in the basket. Marie wanted to carry everything herself, as usual, but Oscar firmly took the basket from her hands. She hissed in pain as she felt blisters open on her hands. She didn't even realize the moment her hands became empty, and she saw only Andre's silhouette receding. Her friend carried the basket without the slightest sign of effort, and Lusien was jumping beside him, chattering happily. Oscar looked after them for a long time, feeling a surge of tenderness and bitterness in her heart.
...
The same evening, after supper, Oscar sat for a long time, still pensive, staring at the flickering flame of the candle. Nanny had just gone to bed and Andre was putting Lusien to sleep, so she sat all alone listening to the buzzing silence. Every day she learned something completely new. About the past. And about Andre.
What secrets do you still keep inside yourself, Andre? - she thought with a sigh - Will you let me discover them? Will I have enough time to get to know you again?
Get to know again.. Or maybe get to know at all? As she remembered Nanny's words, she realized that maybe she never knew anything about Andre. She always thought they were friends, but were they really them? It was not enough to live next to each other, work together, or even spend time together. A friend should be someone who knows your thoughts, feelings, problems. Did she really know what was going on in Andre's heart?
She shook her head, disbelieving her own ignorance and selfishness. It's hard to admit to herself that in the past she didn't really care what her closed one thought and felt. She naively believed he was happy living the life they chose for him, doing what they expected of him. Was it really? She never asked him.
I also never asked him why he made love to me that night..
She flinched when she heard the door slam gently shut. The figure of Andre emerged from the shadows unexpectedly close to her. The man pulled up a chair and sat in front of her.
- Show me your hands - he said firmly.
Oscar held out her hands, covered in blisters and wounds, without saying a word. She looked at him in consternation. It was actually the first time they were alone together. Over the previous few weeks there had always been Nanny or Lusien. In the past being together was completely natural and did not cause any emotions, but now even the mere presence of Andre, so close, was confusing Oscar's mind.
Andre examined her hands very carefully, then took the compress prepared, washed the wounds clean, then began to wrap them with clean pieces of cloth. His touch was gentle and caring, and Oscar felt herself flush to the roots of her hair.
- You should take better care of yourself - said Andre dispassionately, without even looking at her - Wounds can get infected and you will end up with a fever again. If this goes on, you'll never get better.
Oscar laughed bitterly.
- And you'll never get rid of me - she said sarcastically - Right?
Andre didn't answer, just continued patiently wrapping the cloth around her hands.
- At least you're honest - Oscar replied in a resigned voice, and somewhere in her heart she felt a pain so terrible that for a moment she was breathless.
But should she just give up without a fight?
- Andre, could we.. - she began to ask, but didn't finish.
He stood up abruptly, releasing her hands so that they fell limp to her lap.
- I have to go now, sorry - he said coldly, avoiding her face.
After a while, he disappeared behind his bedroom door, and there was again silence in the room.
- ..talk? - Oscar finished the sentence in an almost inaudible whisper.
As she sat for so long, listening to the rhythm of her own rapid breathing, she realized that maybe it was really too late. Maybe the past is too terrible to be forgotten. That this very moment, whatever she did or said, it would always be later. That this present day would always be the day after.
And this could not be changed in any way. There was no turning back time.
...
That night she dreamed her bloody dream again. But Andre was gone. There was also no baby crying. There was only silence and her hands, carmine with blood.
