CHAPTER 16 - Shadow of the past


Vadim Kiselev - "Give me your hand", "Shadows"


Horse's hooves tapped steadily on the tamped road leading to Chavigny. The cart moved forward slowly, swaying slightly and bouncing on the stones. With a sigh, Oscar pulled her legs out to stretch them a little and closed her eyes, enjoying the October sun. Behind closed lids, to the rhythm of the passing trees, the light flickered like multicolored crystals. She didn't have to open her eyes to know that they had just passed a grove with a few trees, and then nothing for a long, long time, then another long line of trees.

The journey was long and tedious. They had over four hours to Chavigny in a cart, which, as Oscar said, moved at a snail's pace. Andre was adamant, however. The distance to Chavigny was long enough that the trip could not be wasted on just one thing. Therefore, on the occasion of the long-promised clothing purchases, Andre wanted to do some errands at the market, sell the honey they had collected over the past two weeks and visit the post office. If it weren't for that, they might just get on their horses like they did in the good, old days and be there in an hour, at most an hour and a half. Oscar sighed again in boredom, opened her eyes and sat up straight. It was torture to spend four hours sitting next to Andre who hardly spoke to her. She wasn't even allowed to look at him, because when she was looking too long, Andre would turn his head and frown angrily, or ask "Is anything wrong?" - in a tone that heralded the provocation. Andre was acting like a very gruff guide. Along the way, he showed her the most important places, briefly telling about them. He only brightened a few times when they passed through Saint-Pierre-de-Maillé and La Puye and met people he knew. He smiled warmly then and greeted them, or stopped for a few minutes to talk. In those moments, his face changed completely, and Andre became her old friend again, only to put on his usual "Mr Pissed-Off" mask in a moment. That was what Oscar mentally called him. Of course, she knew that the nickname she had invented for him didn't reflect Andre's attitude to the world at all, but only to her, but she couldn't help it. It was easier to deal humorously with all the coldness that was between them.

- Why are you chuckling? - asked "Mr. Pissed Off" in a dry tone, looking at her piercingly.

Oscar froze for a moment. It seemed she had accidentally allowed herself to reveal her inner emotions.

- It's nothing - she shook her head, not looking at Andre. She was afraid that if she saw that frown between his eyebrows again, she would burst out laughing.

Andre made no comment.

- We are approaching soon - he just said, and whistled his whip to hasten the horse a bit.

In fact, they were there in fifteen minutes. Chavigny was a much larger town than Angles. The River Vienne flowed lazily through its center and most of the houses were situated wide on the eastern bank of the river. The castles of Chateau Baronnial and Chateau Harcourt, as well as the collegiate church of Saint-Pierre, towered above the town. It was midday when they arrived, so the city was busy. People moved in all directions, vendors in the little square shouted loudly, and carts filled with vegetables and fruit squeezed through the main street. They stopped the cart near the square and jumped off the goat. Oscar looked around and immediately noticed quite a lot of excitement among sellers and buyers. A great crowd was huddling around the wagon that had just arrived. On it, in a huge pile, were potatoes packed in huge sacks. People squeezed through and tried to get as close as possible.

- What's happening? - Oscar asked, discreetly pointing Andre at the crowd of people - Why are they fighting each other like this?

Andre snorted a little impatiently, but then replied.

- I didn't want to say anything at home so as not to worry Grandma, but the situation is bad all over France.

- Bad? - Oscar interrupted him, eyes widening - What do you mean?

- Due to these constant rains the season was weak. Or rather, very weak - said Andre with a sneer - There is a shortage of food everywhere and the society is starving. It seems that our region has suffered the least, so people from far away come here to buy food.

Oscar looked nervously at the crowd of people jostling.

- The revolution was supposed to give them a better future - she replied in an undertone, a bit to herself - but it doesn't seem like their lives changed at all..

- You're talking nonsense! - Andre was indignant - The revolution has nothing to do with bad weather and a poor season! Our leaders are doing everything to deal with it, although it is not easy at all, because thanks to Ludwik and his wife, the state cash register is empty! We will not pay our neighbors for food with Marie Antoinette's dresses! - he added ironically.

Oscar swallowed hard and said nothing. Andre was now a faithful son of the revolution, and his anger towards the king, queen and nobility could easily be directed towards her. After all, she was born a noble, although no one here knew about it.

- Please show me this store where I should go - she changed the subject quickly.

Andre briefly explained how to reach Mrs. Dubois's clothing store.

- Are you able to do it? - he asked hesitantly.

- I've dealt with worse things - she replied indignantly, then turned and walked away.

...

She spent a lot of time in the store. After trying on a few dresses, she selected three and sat down, unable to choose. The more she looked at them, the less she was sure which one to buy. One was peach-colored with lovely lace on the shoulders. It was beautiful, but very impractical because of its bright color. The other one was cornflower blue, with ruffles adding style and very comfortable. Third - carmine like Ella's dress, with a hint of exoticism and very feminine. The third one would probably appeal to Andre the most, but Oscar wasn't going to use such cheap tricks. So she put it down with a sigh and pondered the other two. That's how Andre found her, impatient with her long absence, decided to check what had happened.

- Why is it taking so long? - he muttered next to her, making her jump with fear.

Instinctively, she hit him hard on the shoulder.

- Don't scare me like that, okay? - she was indignant.

Andre stared at her, then a familiar frown began to appear between his eyebrows.

- I'm sorry - Oscar said, looking away. She forgot again that they were not living in the de Jarjayes Manor anymore and were no longer friends. But it was hard to get rid of the habits.

- I cannot decide - she added quickly to blur the bad impression - What do you think which of these dresses I should buy?

Andre looked at both gowns with interest, then glanced at the carmine gown lying nearby.

- Why don't you get that one? - he pointed with his finger.

Oscar blushed to the roots of her hair. She seemed to have guessed Andre's tastes well.

- It's beautiful, but I wouldn't want anyone to think that.. - she broke off, because the explanation was so idiotic that she was embarrassed by it herself.

- Take the blue one - Andre said quickly, and turned to the shop window, pretending to be suddenly interested in something that was going on in the street.

Oscar took the gown and handed it to Mrs. Dubois.

- A very good choice - the old woman smiled warmly at her, wrapping the dress in paper - Your husband has good taste.

Hearing this, Andre choked and began to cough, and Oscar smiled faintly.

- Cousin, he is my cousin - she explained, and Mrs. Dubois nodded in understanding, though she did not seem to believe her.

Moments later they were walking towards the cart. Oscar pressed to her chest the packet with the gown she had bought in person for the first time in her life. She felt so proud of herself.

Suddenly, Andre stopped in front of a small bakery.

- Do you see these sweet rolls? - he pointed with his hand - These are Lusien's favorite sweets. Come in and buy them for him. I have still something else to do. I'll meet you at the cart.

Several minutes later they were on the way back to Angles, and Andre seemed even more silent than before. Oscar was close to breaking this deathly silence several times, but always gave up at the last moment. But right behind Puye, Andre spoke for the first time in two hours.

- I found you a job - he said, his voice empty of emotion.

- What? - Oscar blurted out, completely unlike a noble woman.

- Exactly what you heard - said Andre - A school by the Church of Saint Pierre in Chavigny has recently opened. It is attended by the children of the local, wealthier townspeople, a little bit like a private school. They lack a French and History teacher and so I applied for you some time ago. Today I found out that they expressed their willingness to hire you so I agreed.

- You must be kidding.. - Oscar's voice was barely audible now. She felt as if every limb of her body was trembling in anger and she was trying with all her strength not to explode - How could you make such a decision without consulting me?!

- I'm sorry - said Andre, completely dispassionately - When I proposed your candidacy, I didn't think they would agree. And today I had to make a decision quickly. Hope you don't mind.

- Stop the cart - Oscar said suddenly. Her hands began to tremble and she felt that she had to move away from this man immediately, otherwise she would strangle him with her bare hands.

- Pardon?

- Stop the cart right now! - she repeated, raising her voice - I want to get off!

As Andre obediently stopped a horse, Oscar was on the road in one leap, then briskly away, breaking through the tall grass. Andre caught up with her quickly, however.

- What are you doing? - he grabbed her wrist sharply and turned to face him.

- I think I should ask you this question! - Oscar snapped back angrily - What are you doing, Andre? Who gave you the right to decide for me anyway?!

- You yourself gave me this right, Oscar - he replied without hesitating, still squeezing her hand tightly - I let you live here with us as if you were a member of our family. I am the head of this family, Oscar, and if you don't accept it, we have a problem here!

- Since when have you been such a misogynist, Andre? - she hissed angrily.

- A misogynist? - he laughed ironically - You must be kidding! If I were, could I be a woman orderly for twenty years? Don't be riddiculous!

- Then what is going on?! - she asked, fighting back aggression. When he said nothing, she spat another words out in anger - I know you didn't like me coming here from the beginning. I also know that you hate that I live with you. Just tell me to get out! Say it, Andre!

They stood facing each other for a moment, staring furiously into each other's eyes and panting heavily. Then Andre released Oscar's wrist and instead, grasped her hand in his and dragged her along. This time she did not object. Despite the anger that ran through her veins now instead of blood, she couldn't help noticing how gentle his gesture was. Completely different than the previous handle that left a red hoop on the skin. Nor did Andre tell her right away that she should get out, as she had previously imagined he should at a time like this. Everything was different than what she expected.

When they reached the cart, Andre lifted her up without a word and set her on the trestle, then jumped himself up and whipped his whip at the horse.

- We should go - he just said - It's not safe to stand like this by the road.

They rode in silence for a while, and finally Oscar could not stand it.

- Is it the money, Andre? If so, I have money. I took everything with me that I could quickly organize before my escape. You don't have to worry about it.

Andre snorted in response.

- Money has this feature, Oscar, that they end quickly. Whatever the sum you may have, on the end you don't even have one small denarius left. I just think you should work. You have the ability and the skills to do this. Use it.

Oscar looked at him carefully. His words seemed sincere. Could it be that he was just trying to be responsible. Moreover, teach her the same responsibility.

- Okay, I understand and I agree - she nodded in response.

He didn't turn his head, but his back visibly relaxed.

- There is one more.. - he began cautiously, still not looking at her - Angles is a friendly but small town. People start to gossip..

- Gossip? - Oscar was surprised - I don't understand.

Andre sighed heavily.

- You are an unmarried woman living in the house of a man who is not married. Officially, I'm a widower - he said nervously - but that still doesn't change the whole situation. Additionally, you don't work, and for the people living here, work is the basis of existence.

- Do you want me to move out and live in Chavigny? - Oscar asked with a sigh of disappointment.

- No, that's not what I meant – Andre objected - It's just that if you start working, going out to people, in the eyes of these women you'll become a person trying to make a life for yourself. Outside of Angles.

- Outside your home?

- Yes - said Andre shortly.

- Do you want me to get married? - Oscar joked, although she didn't feel in the mood for jokes at all. The hope she hid somewhere deep at the bottom of her heart was just dying to echo his serious, sober words.

- You do what you think is necessary - he replied dryly - I just want you to give this job a chance. I know it is a long way and you will have to cover this route twice a week, but there is no other job in the area that is not physically difficult. It is also the only job that is even a little close to your qualifications.

- I could also teach horseback riding! Or fencing! - Oscar suggested. She tried not to think about the fact that Andre hadn't even bothered about the idea of her getting married.

- Do not even think about it! - Andre shouted, so violently that she jumped.

- But why? - she asked, sincerely surprised.

He was silent for a long time.

- Reach into my coat pocket and take out the letter - he replied seriously.

Oscar took out the letter and studied the sender. Bernard Chatellet, Rosalie's husband. The letter was not long, mostly thanks for the last article and for information about the large amount of food in New Aquitaine. Oscar gave Andre a quick glance. She already knew where so many people had come from at the Chavigny market. Does he really have to be damn good and generous? What if, due to his good heart, there wouldn't be enough food for the local inhabitants?

A spy - Oscar snorted silently, not knowing whether she should be proud of him or furious with him.

Bernard also mentioned Rosalie. About the fact that she was sick and now she feels good. And that she still insists on letting her write to her "dearest baby". Oscar decided to get angry about it on Andre later. It was only at the end of the letter that she found what Andre probably had in mind and it chilled her more than the cold wind that had just started blowing.

"I had an unexpected visitor yesterday. This is someone who still feels that the world has stopped in June and that he may still threaten us. As the first two visits were unsuccessful, this time he decided to make the trouble himself. You can probably guess who it is. I told him what we both know that his daughter died during the revolution and it is unknown where she was buried. But he still doesn't believe it. If he could, he would have dug up every grave in Paris so she couldn't sleep peacefully. He claims that traitors do not even deserve a dignified burial, and certainly not to live."

There was a complicated sign at the end of the sentence that Oscar had never seen before. She put the letter down on her lap with trembling hands.

- What does that mean, Andre? - she asked, so quietly that her voice was hardly heard, muffled by the sound of the cart wheels.

- They asked about you before, Oscar - Andre replied firmly - We have signals that not only in Paris, but also in some of the larger cities. Your father is trying his best to find you, even though we have made up the lie Bernard wrote about.

- Why didn't you tell me before? - she got upset - Why did you hide it from me?

- We had to make sure his intentions first - Andre replied again in the official's voice - Now that his motives are clear, you can finally find out. Hope you don't do anything stupid now, like returning to Paris.

- I.. - Oscar began, but stopped. Yes, if it had been earlier, she would probably get on the horse right away and come back, asking her father's forgiveness and accepting the punishment she deserved. But that was before. Now she was a different person - You didn't have to worry about me, Andre. I never meant to come back..

Andre snorted again, as was his habit.

- And who's worried? - he replied ironically and there was silence again.

Oscar felt her heart beating so fast as if it was about to pop out. Andre, that stupid boy, actually cared for her. And now he was doing exactly what he had been doing in the twenty years they had lived together. He stood silently beside her and protected her, expecting nothing in return. Andre had always been her shield, against which all evil reflected, so that not even a fragment would scratch her. She realized that even the job offer that had upset her so much was a deliberate, rational step. Nobody would be looking for Francoise Boyer, the French teacher from New Aquitaine.

- What does this sign made by Bernard at the end of this sentence mean? It looks like a snake wrapped around a flower? - she asked, studying the subtle drawing.

Andre didn't even look as he was driving the cart.

- This sign means „be careful" - he replied in a serious voice.

That two words, sharp and cold as steel, left a mark on her soul. Oscar shuddered with the cold and pulled the scarf over her shoulders tighter. Did it really make sense to run away? Wherever she went, this shadow would follow her. A shadow of her former life. A shadow of wasted years. A shadow of hurt pride. A shadow of a failing monarchy. This shadow who was just waiting to find and devour her. Ready to destroy this new life which she began to rebuild from the ashes and ruins.

What would happen if the father searched for the Grandiers and found her there with them? Wasn't she a threat to them?

She looked fondly at Andre sitting next to her. He seemed calm and composed, but now she knew it was only on the surface. Probably from the day she arrived, Andre did everything to prevent anyone from finding her here. Whether he was doing it for her or more for the baby, it didn't matter now. She couldn't let him down now.

Only together they could overcome this shadow that wants to destroy all.

I will get up earlier. I will work harder. I'm not giving up, Andre. I want you to be proud of me. I will prove to you that I am worthy of the hand you held out to me.

Thank you Andre..

...

When in the evening she found a package with a carmine dress on her bed, she simply sat down and cried. She wasn't sure her heart would stand so much happiness.