CHAPTER 20 - Night talk
Vadim Kiselev - "Conversation", "La Notte"
Oscar didn't go far. When Andre found her, she was standing motionless on the riverbank, staring into the dark water. She wasn't crying, but her shoulders were shaking.
- Oscar - he said quietly, not wanting to scare her.
She flinched, surprised, but didn't turn around. So Andre stepped closer. In the dim light of the small crescent moon, he could now see the profile of her face.
- Is that true, Oscar? - he asked carefully, though his voice was filled with impatience and bitterness.
She didn't answer, just wrapped the scarf tighter around her body and lowered her head. She knew she should tell him everything now, but she didn't dare even meet his eyes. She had imagined this conversation so many times before, and when it did happen, she couldn't find the right words.
- Oscar, I need to know that - Andre stepped closer and put his hand on her shoulder gently - Answer me. Is it true that your father threatened you?
Oscar took a few deep breaths to suppress the panic, then looked at him desperately.
- Yes, Andre. It's true - she admitted in a shaky but firm voice.
He looked at her intensely for a moment, then placed the hand on his forehead with a nervous gesture.
- Holy shit - he cursed. He turned to the river and stared at the water, just like she had a moment ago.
There was a silence so deep Oscar would swear she could hear the racing thoughts in Andre's head.
- You should have told me this right then, Oscar - he said gloomily after a moment.
- I know, Andre - she said almost inaudibly - I know that now. But then.. I thought I could handle it myself.. You know me. I've always wanted to be independent. Even when I shouldn't, I had tried to do everything myself. I didn't want anyone to solve my problems in behalf of me.
- What the hell are you talking about!? - Andre raised his voice, impatient - You could have solved your own problems by yourself, but this matter concerned both of us! Why didn't you want to tell me something so important! Instead of hiding the truth from me, you should come and tell me about it! We were friends, Oscar, damn it! Friends don't do that! People who are close to each other try to solve problems together. You preferred to cut yourself off from me, then treat me as an enemy and throw me out of the house! At least that's what it was like to me back then, you know, Oscar?
- I'm so sorry, Andre.. - she whispered, lowering her head. She was prepared to be reprimanded. After all, she deserved it for all the lies she was feeding him.
- I don't want your apology, Oscar - he pouted - It's Lusien you should be apologizing to, not me. It's him you should ask for forgiveness. Not only did you throw your own son out of your house as if he were some stray dog, then this child was almost left without a father to take care of him! I'll tell you honestly now - he said, turning to her, his voice hard as steel - When you threw us out of the house overnight, I was really angry and embittered. Then, when you didn't come to us for over two years, even though we lived so close to each other, I was really devastated. But when your father's soldiers nearly killed me, I started to hate you, Oscar. Him and you. I started to hate you because it was close and Lusien was left with no loved ones to take care of him. For others.. for you.. my life may have meant nothing. But for him, me and Grandma were the most important. If anything happened to us, Lusien would be left alone, to the prey of strangers. Do you think it's something you can just forget?
- I had nothing to do with the attack on you, Andre. You have to believe me! - Oscar said fevereshly.
- I never thought you had! - Andre shrugged - I just thought you didn't care what was happening to us. It would be so you.
- That's not true either.. - she replied in a whisper.
- Not true? - he replied with a slight hint of irony - Then tell me what the truth is. Tell me everything from start to finish, Oscar.
She clenched her hands into fists, then turned boldly to him and looked him straight in the face.
- Ever since I came here, I've wanted to tell you the truth. I wanted to try to explain myself, make you forgive me - Oscar's voice trembled slightly - It was you who didn't want to talk to me from the very first moment. Was it not like that, Andre?
They stared at each other for a moment in anger, then Andre looked down.
- You're right - he replied - I was afraid you'd make excuses, and I really didn't want to listen to them. Instead, I just wanted to cut off that part of my life and move on. However, I was wrong. I cannot go any further if this part of my past is not sufficiently explained. Come on - he reached out and grasped her hand gently, releasing her fist. And then he pulled along.
Andre did not stop until they reached the bonfire which was already dying out. The company had already gone, only a pair of blankets were lying by the fire, probably left there by the always wise Ella. Andre put wood on the fire and in a moment they felt a pleasant warmth on their faces. They sat side by side on the blankets and stared at the flames.
- Go ahead then - Andre urged her.
Oscar breathed a few times to chase away the fear.
- At the very beginning - she said in a shaky voice - when I found out about my pregnancy, I was really scared. And mad. But can you try to understand me? I was raised like a man and my life should look completely different. You know how much I went through and how much I had to sacrifice to achieve what I achieved. However, I do not want to justify myself. It was you who made me realize that this child's life is valuable. But I didn't want to change my life for this reason yet then. I figured out how to deal with it and presented this offer to my father. It seemed to me the only sensible solution at the time. However.. here you have to take my word for it.. I never wanted you to leave our house. I thought we could all live under one roof and watch the child grow up.
- Then you told me something else, Oscar, don't you remember? - Andre interrupted impatiently.
- And you did believe me, right? - her voice trembled more strongly - You remember then in Paris.. If I could, I would cover this little boy with my own body. I took home a young girl from the Parisian slums so that she could find her mother's killer. And you believed that I wanted to banish you and my son? What were you thinking about me then, Andre?
He did not answer. Suddenly he felt confused and a strange chill started penetrating his heart. Could he have been so wrong?
- At first I just didn't tell my father the whole truth. All I said was that I would not try to keep the baby. Back then, the most important thing was that he let me give birth. I would promise him everything.. But my father was smarter than I was. He made one tough condition right away. He demanded that I give up the baby after the labor and not even try to contact him. I couldn't help but agree, Andre. When I tried to negotiate, my father threatened to take the child from me and then hide so that no one would find it, to gave it to strangers. I think you understand that it was better for the child to stay with you. I also thought that somehow later I would manage to cheat my father. That when my behavior confirmed that everything was back to normal, then I would find you.
- But you didn't - muttered Andre.
- No, it did not happen. Everything turned out differently than I expected - Oscar agreed sadly - I was selfish then and later. When I told you all these terrible things, I was sure I was doing the right thing. I was afraid that you would drill down and find out the truth. I was afraid that when my father found out that you were the father of the child, he would get rid of the baby immediately after birth and neither of us would ever see him again. So I preferred you to hate me. Now I know how stupid it was.. I should never have done this. You are absolutely right about that.
- Are you sure it really was like that? - Andre was irritated - Are you sure it was your only motivation? Didn't you just want to get rid of the problem, so that nothing could stand in the way of your career as a soldier?
- You don't have to believe me if you don't want to - she replied sadly - But that's the truth.
- One thing I still do not understand, Oscar.. - said Andre - During all those months, when we were waiting for Lusien, were you pretending? This anger and hatred? Were you pretending? It was so.. real, Oscar..
Oscar didn't answer for a moment, just threw small sticks and leaves into the fire. Pine needles shot skyward, hissing and smoking profusely.
- Have you ever had the feeling that you are falling into some dark abyss and despite your best efforts, you are not able to get out of it? - she asked finally - Normally such things happen in dreams. But then you wake up and joyfully realize that you are lying in your own bed, and that was just one of those nightmares. It's just that I couldn't wake up from my bad dream then. All these months, I lived as if I was locked in a room with no windows. I didn't see anything. I felt nothing but anger. You know.. Sometimes I wanted to end all this. Go to the Seine and jump into its gray water. Or slit my own veins.
- Oscar.. - whispered Andre in horror. Suddenly, one of the memories hit him violently. One evening he came to say good night to her and found her staring intently at the bloody blade of the sharp knife they used to cut the fruit. A long horizontal line blushed on her wrist, staining her shirt with carmine. He was scared then because he thought the knife had just fallen from her hand. Since then, there were no sharp knives in the Oscar rooms, and the fruit always neatly sliced before serving. When he thought about it now.. Who knows what he prevented by his over-concern..
- One day - Oscar continued - I felt the baby move. At first, the moves were as gentle as the brush of a butterfly's wings. Totally unreal - she smiled at her memories- but it was soon clear that it wasn't just an illusion. That a child is really developing inside of me. That I am a temporary home for him. And we stayed together like that. In this dark room of my mind. Him and me. After some time.. I realized that I would not be able to part with him anymore. That was the first time I went to see my father.
- Pardon?! - Andre looked at her with wide eyes - How come I didn't know that?
- You went to the market with the nanny then, or to see the house, I don't remember - Oscar explained - I asked Rosalie to tell my father that I wanted to talk to him. If you could see his face when he came to my room - she laughed bitterly - He looked at me as if I was the most disgusting bug. Then I felt that it was all for nothing. But I still tried. He refused of course.. I had to be mad at you when you got back. I don't remember it anymore.
Andre clenched his hands into fists. How the hell was it possible that he didn't know so many things? Indeed, he was a real idiot.
- As the baby grew, my panic grew too. Each day brought me closer to the parting.. - Oscar's voice trembled slightly - And I couldn't do anything.. So when I saw your joy when you were waiting for the birth of the baby.. I was so terribly angry. Mad at you..
- It's not true that you couldn't have done anything - Andre said - You could have told me the whole truth. We would have find a solution. We would have run away together.
Oscar laughed again, half bitter, half surprise.
- You've always been a dreamer, Andre! - she looked at him with amusement - And then what? Where would we go? Would we hide? Would we go abroad? How would we live? I was the commander of the Royal Guard. Heir of a noble family. You think they would just let me go? Come on, you know perfectly well that it was not possible.
Andre didn't answer. His desires were indeed infantile. He knew it then.
- Do your remember when you found me in the garden back in the winter? - Oscar asked thoughtfully after a moment.
He nodded. He never managed to erase that memory, which tasted bittersweet.
- That day the child was moving so much that I couldn't take it anymore. Then I went to the terrace and stood for a long time thinking what I should do. An icy wind was blowing, and it seemed to blow away the fog that surrounded my mind. After Grandma Marie left me alone that night, I sneaked out and got into my father's bedroom through a secret passage. There.. on my knees, I begged him to let me keep the baby, and from now on I would obey him in everything. I heard a bunch of the worst insults instead. He said that I should get rid of the baby right after labor and never see him. He threatened that if he found a child in this house, he would hurt him. Him and his father.. - Oscar's voice broke, and the first tear ran down her cheek - What was I supposed to do, Andre? Do you really think I should take so much risk? I was afraid.. If there was even a shadow of a possibility that my father's threats were real, I couldn't so tempt fate. I remember running out into the garden then, waiting in the frost for my tears to dry. I already knew it was over. The day Lusien was born, my father send me a letter reminding me of our contract. So.. - Oscar sobbed, hiding her face in the hands - I hugged the child one last time and ran away.
Andre sat petrified. Oscar was crying with her face in her hands.
She cried because the memories were so painful. But she also felt a heavy weight falling from her heart. Finally, after all these years, she was able to let go of everything that was haunting her. Soothe her pangs of conscience.
- I'm sorry Andre - she whispered - I should have fought more for him. Forgive me.
Andre didn't answer, just without thinking he pulled her to him and hugged her. He couldn't even find the right words to answer her. All these months and years he had lived under the conviction that Oscar had become a monster with no human feelings. And yet, instead of a monster, there was a woman from birth locked in a cage from which she could not break free. Lost and suffering. He thought about his earlier behavior and felt ashamed.
- You did what you thought was right - he replied softly - Don't worry about it anymore.
Oscar sniffed and nodded. Then she moved gently away from him and pulled the blanket back over her back. Since they stopped being children, they both tended to avoid physical contact. Until that fateful night of course..
Andre grunted in embarrassment and started throwing the wood into the fire.
- You know.. - Oscar added - Nevertheless, I don't think I fully believed that he would be able to do it. After all, he was my father. I didn't want to think badly of him. But I tried to conform to what he expected. I went back into Guard and was his heir again. I buried the memories deeply, so that after some time I myself believed that it was better as it was. In order not to feel the pain, I turned my heart to stone. And I didn't try to look for you until Lusien was one year old. Then..
- What? - Andre jumped up - What happened during Lusien's birthday?!
- This was the day I came to your house for the first time - Oscar whispered.
- Christ - Andre ran his hand through his hair nervously - You were there and you didn't even show up? Do you know how long I've been waiting for you?!
- I have nothing to excuse myself - she shook her head - I was there, but I chickened out. I was afraid you'd be mad at me. I was afraid to look at my child's face..
- You've always been so proud of your bravery - muttered Andre, and angrily tossed the log into the fire - What happened suddenly? You should have come then, Oscar.
Oscar tightened her hands on the fabric of the dress and did not answer for a moment.
- No, Andre - she finally choked out - I shouldn't have come at all. I didn't know about it, but I was followed. The second time I came to your house was in June. There was a fever raging in Paris then, and I.. I got scared. I just wanted to make sure you all was all right. But I shouldn't have done this. How could I not have foreseen this? Because of my short-sightedness and stupidity, you almost died. And Lusien might have lost his father. From the moment I found out what happened, my remorse kept me awake. I should have stayed away from you and my father would have no excuse to touch you.
- Do you know what the soldiers who burst into our house said? - asked Andre with an ironic smile - They said: "Commander Oscar Francois de Jarjayes wishes you all to leave Paris immediately."
- What?! - Oscar shouted in surprise - Tell me you didn't believe them!
- Of course I didn't believe them, Oscar! - he pouted - Do I look like a fool?! I knew immediately that it was not the Guard and whose soldiers they really were. I asked them to leave but they refused. I got angry.. Then Lusien started crying..
- I know everything - Oscar interrupted him - Nanny told me what happened.
Andre nodded.
- I knew you didn't send them, but I was angry anyway. Never did I think the general would want us dead.
- Father said that he did not intend to hurt you.. - Oscar said sarcastically - That it was an accident. But deep down, I never believed him. But I made sure of this when I heard from the nanny what exactly happened. My own father.. how could he do that? - she sighed sadly.
- I have always considered General de Jarjayes to be an honest and righteous man - said Andre bitterly - Proud, but not without kindness of heart. How wrong I was..
- I don't think either of us really knew him. It turned out that for my father pride and honor were more important than human life. Nothing else mattered to him.. - Oscar replied, disappointment in her voice.
- I only regained consciousness after three weeks - said Andre after a pause - When I woke up, I was already home in Angles. I don't know how Grandma managed to transport me this far in such a state. Also with a small child.. Then I was recovering for a long time. But I survived. There was only a scar left. The souvenir..
- I'm sorry Andre - Oscar whispered bitterly - I never wanted that to happen. When I found that blood stain in your living room, and then found out that it was my father's soldiers who hurt you. Something broke inside me, Andre.. Suddenly I stopped being afraid of the consequences. Suddenly, everything that happened before, all doubts, ceased to be an obstacle. I just wanted to find you. But as much as I tried, I couldn't. I had the impression that you disappeared into thin air..
- Only Rosalie and Bernard knew where we were - he answered - We had to let someone know that we were alive. But I forbade them to reveal it because I didn't trust you then, Oscar.. I was afraid it would all happen again. I just wanted to live in peace. I wanted Lusien to finally be able to enjoy a normal childhood.
- Now I understand everything - Oscar nodded understandingly.
- Everything? - Andre asked slightly surprised.
- Yes - she raised her head and smiled faintly at him - Why you were so furious when I showed up at your house in July. Why you treated me like that.
- I'm sorry.. - he looked at her tearful face - I was bitter and got too carried away by negative emotions.
- You had every right to do so - she said firmly - I know it won't be easy for you to forgive me, Andre, but I hope it would happen someday. I also hope that you will never try to separate me from Lusien, because now I will fight for him. Even with you.
- What are you talking about? - Andre laughed, and his laugh sounded light now, as if the great weight that rested on his chest had suddenly disappeared - I never wanted to separate you from him. From the first days he was born, I wanted us to be together. I wanted us, in any way, to be a family.
- Don't you remember how you wanted to kick me out of the house? - Oscar laughed, looking at him with amusement.
- Don't you remember that you threw us out of your house - Andre returned her gaze courageously, but in his gaze Oscar saw no longer anger, but relief. And also happy sparkles.
She laughed.
- You'll never forget that.
- Probably not - he smiled mysteriously - But I can try not to mention it too often. Maybe we'll just start once again?
- Once again? - Oscar's heart began to beat faster.
- Yes - he replied, extending his hand to her - We probably won't be able to make it right away, but maybe let's try to put our friendship together somehow. What do you think?
- Why not? - she asked, shaking his hand.
When they returned home side by side, Oscar thought that she had just achieved what she had promised herself a long, long time ago. She regained her son. She reconciled with her friend. She should be happy now. But was she really?..
