CHAPTER 24 - Drunken talk
Vadim Kiselev - "Remember", "Touch"
- I'm glad you waited for me - Oscar said to Andre, who was sitting on the goat next to her.
The man didn't answer, just nodded, then waved his whip to urge the horse.
Previously, they had rarely traveled together from Chavigny to Angles. Usually, Oscar was going to work alone. It might not be very safe, but her horse was fast and she always had a loaded gun in her bag. However, as the days began to shorten, Andre started to become noticeably more nervous when she didn't come home before dusk. So once or twice a week he organized his time so that they could go there together, on horses or in a cart. He always found the right excuse. Chavigny market. Post. The client far from home.
- Have you got things done as you wanted? - Oscar spoke again, trying to get him into the conversation.
Since that case with Ella, Andre had withdrawn into himself. Instead of the cheerful, joking Andre she once knew and who had miraculously returned from that night of confessions, current Andre in front of her was absent. Dimmed. Taciturn. It was something that absolutely didn't suit him. Andre had always been a rather cheerful person, expressive. Even when she had come there without an invitation, he was more furious with her than kept silent. Now Andre plunged into himself. He isolated. Oscar was painfully aware that Andre's heart was full of regret. Ella entered Andre's life in one of the most difficult moments and was a support for him, a help, a vital point. A mother for a child. Beloved. She became for him the woman Oscar once rejected to be. Sometime long ago. And now she couldn't go back to it.
Ella was important to Andre. And now it could all be gone at any moment.
- I have - said Andre laconically - And you?
- I bought everything I wanted - she said, trying to smile - Even the dress I told you about.
Andre glanced over his shoulder at the package, where a piece of pink cloth was sticking out from under the paper.
- Pretty - he said shortly.
- It's pretty - Oscar confirmed - I want it to be a gift for Ella.
Andre looked at her in surprise.
- She won't take it - he said shortly.
- She won't take it from me - Oscar said matter-of-factly - but I'm sure she'll be glad if you give it to her. It was very nice for me when you.. - She broke off and blushed. She shouldn't reveal herself like that.
Andre continued to stare at her face in consternation. However, he didn't notice the blush because it was dusk and their faces were lit anyway with the red glow of the setting sun.
- Should I give it to her? - he asked, not fully understanding – Why?
Oscar didn't know exactly where the idea came from. Maybe because she loved Andre. And she wanted him to be happy. And if his happiness was associated with that girl..
- I think you should take that dress, flowers and go apologize to her - she replied, pretending indifference - Explain to her that she misunderstood you. That.. that there is nothing.. between you and me..
- Oscar.. - Andre started, but she cut him off.
- She's been hurt enough already. Her life.. And what happened recently - Oscar continued, afraid that if she stopped talking she would collapse - She must be sure of you. Trust you.
- Since when are you such a relationship expert? - Andre snorted, and Oscar sensed that he was already nervous.
- I'm not - she replied quietly - I've never been good with feelings, and you know it yourself.
Andre started, but she didn't notice, too preoccupied with keeping her emotions in check.
- But I know Ella cares about you. And that you.. care about her also - continued Oscar - You should both make up and.. finally start talking about the future.
Andre turned his head back to the road and urged the horse. There was silence for a moment, as if they were both mulling over the words they had just said.
- Is this your advice? - Andre finally asked, his voice trembling and changed - Is that what you really want?
- I.. - Oscar began, and her hand tightened nervously on the fabric of the dress. Lie to make someone happy. Maybe lying was not always wrong.. - Yes, this is what I want - she replied, trying to make her voice sound firm.
- Okay then - Andre said and it was a sense of regret in his voice, which Oscar didn't notice.
Perhaps Andre, deep down, had always expected this. Even if their lives changed completely, even though Oscar changed completely, her feelings for him could never change. So he could now definitively close this chapter and move on. He believed that this disappointment would one day pass. And love would disappear from his heart. He just needed a little more time.
…
Andre didn't come back for a long time. As Oscar had advised him, after lunch he picked up a neatly packed dress and went to meet Ella. Hours had passed and he hadn't been here yet.
Grandma Marie went to bed right after dinner. Recently, the old lady was more and more ailing. She complained of bone pain and fatigue. She had to rest more often and she would fall asleep quickly in the evenings, though then she would wake up before dawn, unable to sleep any longer. Oscar was very worried about her. So she tried to help as much as she could, although Marie liked to do things her own way, like the old lady does, and sometimes she was nervous.
That evening, Oscar put Lusien to bed and read him two fairy tales, and then they talked about animals for a long time until he fell asleep. Lusien seemed to be more and more attached to her every day. When she came home from work, he didn't leave her step. On her days off they often walked together, and in bad weather they looked at books or studied.
Oscar had gotten used to telling him stories. She entwined her own many years of experience in working at the royal court in fairy-tale motifs and told him about princesses, knights and witches. About the pursuit of dragons, treasures hidden in caves and the intrigues of trolls. About good that has always triumphed over evil. Lusien loved these stories, and she constantly had to come up with something new, because the boy knew immediately when the fairy tale was repeating itself. Sometimes Andre would sit next to them and listen to her stories with an altered expression. And when he clearly felt that he was their main character, he smiled half jokingly, half ironically. Especially since Oscar always described him as a heroic flawless knight. Because that's what he was for her. Although he didn't know it.
Andre..
Andre didn't come back for a long time.
Apparently, the night of apology that Oscar had initiated herself had turned out to be a success.
When it struck midnight, Oscar decided not to wait any longer and go to sleep. But she had barely changed into her nightgown when Andre returned. The rumble of his heavy footsteps could be heard clearly on the hardwood floor, and he even closed the door a little too loud for the middle of the night. Soon after, Oscar heard a loud bang, and then there was silence. When she burst into the main room, terrified, she found Andre sitting against the wall next to the front door, head in his hands and swaying slightly.
Maybe someone attacked him and he was injured? Or he fell off his horse?
- Andre? - She touched his arm lightly to make sure he was okay. But it wasn't until she leaned over him that she smelled the strong odor of alcohol. She immediately withdrew her hand. She stood beside him, folding her arms over her chest and examining him.
Andre presented a picture of misery and despair. His coat was soiled, as if he had fallen several times, and his hair, always tied neatly, was tangled around his face.
The intact package with the dress was lying beside him. It seemed that Ella had not accepted the gift.
- You're drunk, Andre - Oscar said reproachfully.
- Oscar.. - Andre lowered his hands, lifted his head and looked at her absently, smiling dreamily. - I just drank a little. Look, so little - he showed how little on his fingers, but Oscar was not fooled.
- Get up! I'll help you take off that muddy coat - she ordered.
- Your order! - Andre muttered, and Oscar rolled her eyes.
The man rose from the floor on shaky legs and held the walls. He had to drink a lot to bring himself to this state. Oscar somehow managed to pry his body out of his soaked coat, and then helped him take off his shoes as well.
- Thank you Oscar - said Andre, struggling with the slurred tongue - Such a wife.. - he guttered - Such a wife is a real treasure..
- Don't talk nonsense! - Oscar got angry. She wanted to slap him in the head to wake him up, but she was afraid that then he would fall over and she wouldn't be able to deal with him completely. It wouldn't be a nice sight for Lusien to find his father sleeping on the bare floor by the door in the morning.
- What? - Andre asked with a surprised look on his face. He did not seem to remember what he had just said.
Oscar pushed him gently towards the door of his room. Once inside, she quietly closed the door and leaned against the doorframe with a sigh of relief. But Andre staggered and instead of lying down on bed, he lost his balance and sat down on the rug next to bed, leaning back against the bed frame.
- Beautiful.. - Oscar murmured, then added louder. - You're completely drunk, Andre. Better get up and go to bed right now. Otherwise you will fall asleep sitting there - she snorted - How could you ever bring yourself to such a state!
- It's all because of you! - Andre cried tearfully. - Women! You'll drive me crazy someday!
Oscar frowned. Andre was saying strange things while drunk. Maybe it was better to leave him here alone to sober up alone. So she decided to leave.
- Not! Don't go, Oscar! - Andre shouted suddenly, so that she almost jumped with fear.
- Be quiet, Andre! - she scolded him – Do you want to wake up Lusien and Grandma? Calm down immediately!
- Okay, okay - the man muttered again, more quietly - But don't go anywhere, stay here. I have to tell you something - he motioned a finger to make her come closer.
Oscar sighed. She didn't feel like talking to the drunkard, but it seemed like the only way he would finally calm down and go to sleep. She wanted to sit on the bed next to him, but as soon as she got closer, Andre grabbed her arm sharply and pulled so hard that she landed beside him on the floor beside the bed.
- What the hell you are doing? - she was indignant.
- Just for a while, okay, just sit here for a moment - Andre said, slurred to articulate his words - I really want to tell you one thing.
- I'm listening - she said resignedly, smoothing her dress and leaning her back against the bed.
- I talked to Ella - Andre admitted sincerely - And you know what she told me? - He made a significant pause to emphasize the importance of what he intended to communicate. - She said that we should consider whether this relationship made sense at all. That maybe it's time to consider - he raised his finger upwards as if he were a orator in a pulpit - to consider.. if we are really the right people for each other. Con..si..der.. - he accentuated the words, gibbering hard.
- And what did you say to her? - Oscar asked with a sigh. This was not how she had imagined their conversation when she suggested it this afternoon,
- I said.. - Andre hesitated - that she has to give me a chance because I love her.
- Very rightly - Oscar sighed once more, this time with a hint of regret that Andre didn't notice at all.
- No, no, not at all - Andre waved his finger - She asked me if I'm sure. If.. I.. am.. sure.. Look, how smart this Ella of mine is, don't you think? Such a smart girl!
- Sure - Oscar confirmed tartly.
- Well, tell me - Andre continued, ignoring the bitter tone of Oscar's voice - Isn't that strange? I know her, how long exactly? Two years, right? Ella has managed to get to know me better in such a short time than you have in all the years we lived together.. What's wrong with you, Oscar? - he added reproachfully.
- I don't understand what you mean! - Oscar got angry. She didn't like what this conversation was leading to. She wasn't going to argue with him. She started to get up awkwardly, because she had a backache from sitting on the floor - I'll better go. Good night, Andre.
He gripped her arm violently again, so that she lost her balance and landed on the floor again.
- How can you just go, Oscar? - Andre said tearfully, not letting go of her hand - While I'm sitting here and I'm miserable. Comfort me, Oscar! Do you remember? I consoled you when Fersen broke your heart. You should console me the same as I did you then, Oscar! - he grabbed her shoulders and pulled her vigorously towards him.
She pulled away and slapped him hard. The blow sobered him a little. He put his hand to his aching cheek and looked at her with a guilty look.
- I'm sorry, Oscar - he whispered contrite - Forgive me, I wasn't myself for a moment.
He reached for her hand and squeezed gently. Then he started to get up awkwardly off the floor. She grabbed his arm and helped him get up, then lie down on the bed.
- Thank you - he smiled faintly.
- No problem - she replied - Sleep now.
He grabbed her hand again.
- Don't go, Oscar, stay with me. Please.. - he said quietly. He sounded completely sober again, although Oscar knew it wasn't like that.
She looked at him closely for a moment. His eyes darkened as if he was fighting something he was hiding deep inside him. Oscar remembered what he had just wanted to do.
- Go to sleep, Andre - she said, releasing her fingers from his grip.
His hand fell limp on the sheets. Oscar turned to leave.
- Do you remember when we were children.. - she heard his sad voice suddenly behind her - We tried to share problems and solve them together. We supported and lifted our spirits. When we grew up.. each of us locked ourselves in our world - continued Andre slowly, almost in a whisper - And we built this wall of silence stone by stone.. until it became impenetrable. Why has this happened, Oscar?..
Oscar sighed and took her hand off the doorknob, then walked over and sat down next to him on the bed.
- I remember in childhood, when one of us got spanked, we sneaked into our rooms to comfort ourselves. - She smiled faintly at distant memories - We lay on the bed side by side, wrapped in a blanket and told terrible stories until we fell asleep. And later.. Later we grew up and life got scary and complicated enough that there was no need to tell stories anymore. Or maybe.. maybe we just stopped trusting each other then, Andre? We stopped being honest with each other. We have lost the ability to relieve our pain.
- Maybe it's not too late, Oscar? - Andre said, and patted the seat beside him behind the bed significantly.
Oscar twitched and looked at him in surprise.
- Don't be afraid, I won't hurt you - he said reassuringly - I'm me again. Maybe a little tipsy, but that's all - he chuckled.
Oscar sat for a moment hesitating. His earlier behavior had scared and confused her, but now she felt there was nothing to fear anymore. Former, common-sense Andre was back. Only his mind was a little bit dimmed by the wine.
- Fine, but be polite - she smiled faintly.
- Your order, Commander! - Andre replied, trying to salute.
Oscar lay down on the bed, a little embarrassed. They lay facing each other a short distance away so that their bodies were not touching.
- I'm not a Commander anymore, Andre - Oscar replied with a sigh.
- No, you're not - Andre confirmed, staring intently at her face. His eyes were blurry and slightly unconscious, and his voice was now slurred again. - Now you are Francoise Boyer, a girl from Angles. A pretty teacher - he raised his hand and took one of her light strands gently between his fingers.
Oscar held her breath for a moment. Suddenly, the memory of the night from many years ago hit her hard. Then, after all, he touched her hair in the same way, gently and looked at her with that dreamy gaze. She dimly remembered seeing a tear in his eye. But then she turned her head so as not to look at him anymore. So maybe it was just an illusion..
- You know very well it's a lie. From start to finish - she said painfully.
- A lie? - He was surprised, still toying with the strand of her hair - Well, the name and surname are lies. But all the rest – it's true - he laughed as he took another strand of her hair in his fingers.
- You know very well that's not what I mean - Oscar reminded him.
- What exactly? - Andre winked with a smile – The fact that you are pretty? But you are, you are - he raised his hand and laid it over her head. Oscar froze. His touch was delicate. He stroked her hair in a slow motion, as if she were a child to be calmed down. - You were pretty even in your uniform. And now..
Andre pushed her hair back from her face slowly and she felt his fingers against the skin of her neck.
- Tell me, Oscar - he muttered sleepily - What did you feel then? Tell me.. What did you feel the night I touched you?
Andre's fingers traced her skin drowsily. His hands felt warm as if he had a fever.
- I.. - Oscar began to say in a trembling voice. What if she told him now that she felt a pleasure that night that she had never known before and never after? What if she told him she had closed her eyes then, imagining it was Fersen who was making love to her, not Andre? Would it hurt him? What if she told him that she would have given anything to turn back time and keep her eyes opened that night? To experience it all consciously? - I..
Andre's hand went still, his fingers gently cupping Oscar's neck. Andre's eyes were and his breathing became deep and steady. He fell asleep.
Oscar stared at him for a moment, admiring how peacefully he was asleep. Then she raised her hand and gathered the strands of hair scattered across his face so that they wouldn't bother him. Her hand slipped and rested on his shoulder, and even through his clothes she felt the heat of his body. Oscar thought how much she wanted to cuddle against his chest now and fall asleep next to him. And then in the morning, wake him up with a kiss and laugh that his head hurts. Because it would hurt him, she knew for sure.
"You were pretty even in uniform"
"What did you feel when I touched you?"
His words kept buzzing in her head, like a tower bell that won't stop ringing.
Has he..?
"You said feelings for her are long gone," she remembered what Ella had said months ago.
Has he..?
Oscar was lying next to Andre and suddenly a wave of memories flooded her. Andre, who was always there for her. His uplifting words, his valuable advice. His patience. His smile. His eyes followed her every move. And then.. sadness, regret, resignation. Anger.
Have you.. have you ever loved me, Andre?
"She has to give me a chance because I love her."
So this is past for you, Andre. You and me. We are the past, Oscar thought painfully, looking at his beautiful, sleeping face. Ella is now your present. She is your future. I shouldn't get in your way.
She squeezed his arm gently, fighting the temptation to touch his face. But she knew too well that it would only hurt her more. Sometimes it is better not to reach for the unattainable, not to touch the impossible. Touching what can never be yours hurts a hundred times more.
I'm sorry Andre..
…
- Wait, Oscar - Andre said to her right after the breakfast he hadn't even touched. - Yesterday.. you helped me, right?
- Don't you remember? - she asked in surprise, looking at his tired face.
- I don't remember much from yesterday evening - Andre ran his hand through his hair nervously. - But I'm sure that your face flashed somewhere.. I hope.. - he looked at her fearfully – I hope I didn't do or said anything stupid? If so, please forgive me.. Don't believe a single word I said yesterday!
- You don't have to worry - Oscar replied, feeling the cold penetrating into her heart - You went to sleep almost immediately.
- Good - Andre sighed with relief and tried to smile.
- Maybe.. Maybe you would like to talk.. - Oscar began hesitantly, although the only thing she wanted to do at that moment was to shut herself up in her room, press her face against the pillow and cry out all the regret she felt in her heart.
Andre hesitated for a moment, then waved his hand and shook his head.
- Nothing to talk about - he said, and turned away.
And then he left.
