CHAPTER 26 - Revelation
Vadim Kiselev - Awakening, Heartbeat
The next few days passed as if Oscar was staring at everything through tarnished glass. Every day she woke up fearing what that day might bring and what might happen to them. In the morning she was afraid to look out the window so as not to see an army platoon in the yard.
All because of dreams.
She had nightmares every night. Pierre's father, his face all blue and bloody, complained and blamed her for the death of his wife and his own. Another time, Pierre was there, his face changed with hatred, screaming that she would regret what she had done. She saw him, at the head of a regiment of soldiers, walk towards her, then point his finger at her accusingly. And they run towards her to tear her body apart. And there's blood. Her. And Andre's. And Lusien's. The blood of all who were dear to her. In her dreams, Oscar saw little Angles burning. A red glow hovered over the town, and smoke rose high and enveloped the white walls of the castle ruins.
Sometimes she dreamed that she was running away. She got on the horse and ran straight ahead, without even wondering where. Just to remove the danger from beloved people's lives. She was a danger. She had to go far so that no one would suffer because of her again.
Every morning, Oscar woke up with sweat on her face. Or tears. Then she sat for a long time, trying to calm her pounding heart. And when she went out the threshold of the room, she would put on a mask so that no one would know how scared she was. Especially Lusien shouldn't know. A sensitive child could read any change in her mood. When the boy saw her sad, he sat down next to her and looked at her with serious eyes, too serious for a child of several years. Then he cuddled up to her lap. Or he was stroking her hand. Or he tried to chatter.
Only Lusien could tell the truth from her eyes. The truth that deep down, Oscar has already made the decision to part ways. And that decision tore her heart apart.
Lusien can handle it, she tried to explain to herself. He has only known me for six months, he has not had time to become so attached. When I'm gone, he'll forget about me soon. And he will be able to live a normal life. Safely. He would finally be able to have a normal family.
However, despite the decision already made, Oscar was delaying. Every day she woke up and say to herself "not yet today." As if she was missing a real reason, a spark to act. Or as if she still felt that she hadn't finished something here.
.…
That day, she caught Andre standing in her room, staring at the pale pink gown draped over the back of an armchair. His hand dangled in the air as if he wanted to grasp the fabric with his fingers, but he changed his mind at the last moment.
- Andre? - Oscar said, surprised by his presence - What are you doing here?
The man shuddered in surprise, then shifted his unconscious gaze to her, as if returning from the land of memories or dreams.
- This fabric looks as delicate as silk - he said in a changed voice, ignoring her question - The dress is so beautiful. Why don't you wear it?
- It's not mine - Oscar shrugged. - It belongs to Ella.
Andre stared at her for a moment, then muttered something to himself that sounded very much like "nonsense". Oscar felt a slight pang of anger.
- What are you doing here? - she asked again.
Andre scanned the room several times, clearly looking for something.
- Dressings - he pulled out from behind his back his left hand, on the back of which a long, vertical cut was reddening - Grandma says that those dressings that.. Ella.. left are at your room.
Oscar nodded without saying a word, then reached under the bed and pulled out the basket in which she kept the various necessities.
- Sit down, okay? - She showed him a place on the armchair.
Holding Andre's hand in hers, Oscar felt a strange shiver. The skin of Andre's hand was warm and even rougher than she remembered it had been years ago. The thought how would it be if those rough fingers were gliding over her naked body suddenly faded her consciousness for a moment. It took her longer to apply the dressing than it should have been. She scolded herself for being hopeless.
A dress, she remembered.
- You should try again - she said, tightening the end knot of the dressing.
- Huh? - Andre asked, obviously focused on something entirely different.
- Apologize to Ella - Oscar explained. - You should go back and try to make up. You can't go on like this.
Andre jerked his hand away with a nervous gesture.
- I'm not gonna do this.
- Not? - Oscar was busy putting things back in the basket and didn't even look at him. So she didn't see the pain that frowned on his brow. - Why?
Andre stood up slowly and clenched his not injured hand into a fist. This alarmed Oscar. She looked up to see his eyes darken, and the familiar "Mr pissed off" line appeared between his eyes.
- I'm done with that - he replied seriously.
- You done? - Oscar continued the series of questions, as if she did not understand the danger behind it. - What does it mean?
- I'm done - said Andre in an even darker tone - with begging someone to stay. I have already learned that it's not worth whining for affection. Never again.
It's because of me, Oscar thought. It's me who made his heart harden.
However, Ella was not Oscar. Oscar might have pushed the hand held out toward her, but certainly not Ella. This girl was a nice, sweet person. She would never..
- But I think you should.. - she began to speak in good intentions, but he didn't let her finish.
- Don't tell me what to do! - he was indignant - Stop interfering, okay?! Deal with your problems and I will handle mine! Thank you - he added, pointing to the dressing and left, closing the door carefully.
It was at this point that Oscar thought the time had come. The decision to leave has never seemed more obvious than it was then. There was, however, one little thing she should still do.
…
Moreau's house was small but very cozy. Inside it smelled like dinner which boiled on the stove and herbs. It was no coincidence, because dried herbs and flowers hung in thick bouquets from the ceiling along the beams.
- Lusien, please sit here for a while, okay? - Oscar put her hand on the boy's head gently. - I need to talk to Aunt Ella.
- Okay - the boy agreed, then settled in the chair by the window. He pulled a book out from under his jacket and held it for a moment in his lap, stroking its cover.
- This is a beautiful book - Ella told him. - Are there any pictures in it?
A broad smile appeared on Lusien's face.
- It's a fairy tale book! I got it from Auntie - he replied proudly - Auntie says that in the past there were no pictures in it, but when she and Daddy were little, they had to draw a picture for each story. Look! - the boy opened the book and began flipping through pages full of small drawings made with children's hands. - You know, Auntie, that Daddy and Aunt Francoise used to play together when they were kids? Nice, isn't it? - he asked, raising his laughing eyes at Ella.
She nodded and smiled, but didn't look up. She was staring at the page from the book, on which there were the drawing of two crossed swords and the initials, written in handwriting full of funny twirls and ornaments: OFJ & AG.
- How can I help you? - Ella asked politely, though formally, as they both sat on the chairs next to the stove.
- I'd like to.. I'd like to ask you a favor. - Oscar replied.
She thought about it for a long time. She silenced her heart so that it would not drown out the clarity of thought, and then discussed all the pros and cons, analyzed different solutions to come to the same conclusion every time. She had to disappear. Even for a while.
- Favour? - there was surprise in Ella's voice.
- I want you.. - Oscar felt her heart beating like a hammer. Throwing those words out meant the end. For her. Probably the beginning for them. - I want you to look after Lusien. And Andre. And Grandma Marie. I want you to look after them when I leave. I know that I have no right to ask you to do so, and you are under no obligation to fulfill my request. And you've done so much for them in the past. But I would be calmer knowing that someone was watching over them. That someone who really cares about them is here to protect them. Please don't refuse me.
Ella sat motionless, frozen, and only a slight tremor in her eyes indicated that she had heard every word Oscar said. After a while her expression changed, and Oscar had never seen her so.. Mad?
- Have you talked to Andre about this? - Ella hissed angrily.
- Oh, no, you got me wrong! - Oscar waved her hands in denial - It wasn't Andre who sent me here!
- I'm not talking about that, damn it! - Ella's voice was pitch black now - Have you talked to him that you want to leave them?!
Oscar looked down and began fiddling with her fingers nervously.
- No, I haven't - she said quietly - I think it's better if he doesn't know in advance. You know what he is like. He's a good man, he'll want to stop me, thinking it's the better solution. But it's not. I can't tell you everything, but I'd better leave. It's not like I'm going to disappear forever. I'll probably be back in a year or two when everything calms down. I'm not leaving my son. But I can't.. - she said even more quietly - I can't disturb Andre's life anymore. He deserves to finally find happiness. I.. I'm just standing in his way.
- Standing in his way? - Ella laughed a little sarcastically.
- Yes, yes, Ella, please believe me - Oscar looked up at her, and there was now silent pleading in her eyes. - You must believe that we have nothing in common, Andre and me. You have to let him apologize to you, you can't just throw it all away over a simple misunderstanding!
- You care so much about Andre's happiness - the girl said in an empty voice - that you came here to convince me to give him a chance. You are even ready to leave!
- I care about his happiness - Oscar replied honestly - Him and Lusien's. Happiness of all of them. Is that so weird?
Ella looked at her seriously for a moment, then her face changed.
- You love him - she said - Before, I only suspected it, but now I'm sure.
Oscar heard a loud rush of blood in her ears.
- It doesn't matter - she said quickly.
- But it does! - Ella objected. - You can't leave until you tell him.
- Tell him? - Oscar laughed with a slight hint of irony. - Ella, maybe you don't know but I'm a proud woman, I've always been. Andre and I have humiliated each other often enough and I don't think I can accept one more blow. And even if I do tell him, so what?. He would feel obligated to keep me at his house out of pity. Then we would bite each other for the rest of our lives, because he would not be heartless enough to throw me away. Please! This is not the life I want for him. And this is definitely not the future I want for Lusien!
Ella just shook her head this time.
- You're both idiots. - She said with disgust – You and him fit together.
- What's that supposed to mean? - Oscar said indignantly.
- Nothing - Ella shrugged. - If you don't want to, don't tell him anything. If you're so scared of losing face or something just because you tell a commoner that you love him.. That's it, right? Is it because there is blue noble blood in your veins? - the girl began to irony.
- That's enough - Oscar rose from the chair irritated - You don't know anything about me.
- I'm sorry - Ella grabbed her arm quickly - I shouldn't have said that. And you're right, I hardly know you. Forgive my outrage, but you and Andre.. you're both complicating things. If you find it so hard to tell him how you feel, just ask him.
- Ask him? I don't understand. What should I ask him? - Oscar was surprised.
- Don't go without a word. Ask him if he wants you to leave. - Ella swallowed hard, as if afraid that the words she was about to say would get stuck in her throat - Ask him if he loves you.
Oscar twitched at girl's words and looked at her face with consternation.
- What do you mean by.. - she began, but then stopped, afraid to finish the sentence.
- Ask him if his feelings have changed. Ask him if he still loves you. - the girl repeated again - Do it, Oscar..
Her real name in Ella's mouth felt like a punch. Oscar sat back down heavily in the chair without saying a word.
- For me you will always be Francoise - continued Ella, seeing the effect she achieved with this simple act - But for him you have always been and are Oscar. Since you came back, he talks only about you. He seemed angry at first, but somehow I immediately felt that it was just a mask. That he'd rather try to push you away than be disappointed again. And then slowly, gradually, the way he talked about you changed.
"Oscar did the laundry today," he once said excitedly, "You have no idea what her hands looked like later! I had to dress them. Stupid Oscar",
"Oscar makes me porridge for breakfast. The first two times were terrible, but now they're really tasty. She adds some ingredient to it, but she won't tell me what it is.",
"Do you know how Lusien likes Oscar? That stupid kid of mine will go with any woman who shows him more affection."
And so on and so forth. Each time he told me more about you and with more and more admiration. You think I decided to end the relationship because I saw him worry about you the day I was assaulted? Wrong! What I saw then only confirmed what I had suspected for a long time.
- Suspected? What? - Oscar asked, feeling the tinnitus grow louder and louder.
- Oh no, no - Ella laughed. - It would be too easy if I just told you like that. Take the baby now and go home. Andre is out of the house today, right? Make him dinner and wait for him to come back. Then, once you're alone, ask him the questions I mentioned earlier. I'll keep the dress. - she added - I will take it as a gesture of gratitude for putting your life in order.
The memory of Ella, leaning against the door frame and waving goodbye at her, accompanied Oscar for a long time on the way back. She forced herself to go forward, though her legs would not carry her at all. She would rather sit somewhere by the road and cry desperately.
Because of her own stupidity. Surprise. Happiness.
Ella's words were pounding on her head:
Ask if his feelings have CHANGED.
Ask him if he STILL loves you.
How was it possible that she had never noticed this before? Was she that blind? Was he hiding it so well? How long has Andre actually been cherishing these feelings for her?
Or maybe Ella was wrong? Perhaps she had mistaken Andre's concern for love? After all, Oscar and Andre had always been friends. Andre who always.. protected her, cared for her. Andre who held out a helping hand when she needed it. He advised her. Or stayed silent next to her. He was always there when she needed him. He surrounded her with himself like a warm blanket. She still remembered well how much she missed this warmth when he left.
Andre, who protected her even after she had hurt him and pushed him away.
So maybe she, Oscar, mistook love for friendship and didn't see the truth..?
Andre was right, she was stupid. Stupid, stupid Oscar. She threw them all into an abyss of anguish, when all she had to do was reach out and grab Andre's hand, warm and strong. And then put her arms around him and never let him go.
How close it was to make a mistake again and leave them again, hurt them again. Now she suddenly realized that Andre might not forgive her anymore. Andre, who had endured all the wrongs and continued to do so, STILL saved a bit of his affection for her. How tough he was, how persistent. Why hadn't she noticed it before?
Stupid Oscar who almost destroyed her happiness.
Lost in thought, she hardly heard the call of the postman, who came on horseback from Chavigny's side.
- I still have to go to the parish priest - gasped the man in a hurry - Mademoiselle Boyer, will you take this letter to Monsieur Grandier? It must be something urgent. From Paris.
- Sure - she said without hesitating, taking the letter in her hand.
As the man drove away, Oscar looked at the paper in her hands. There was no sender or seal on the back, but as she turned the letter over and looked at the handwriting with which the recipient had been written, she felt suddenly as if she ran out of air. She swayed a little, but instead of stopping, she took Lusien's hand and quickened her pace. There was no time to waste.
…
When Andre entered the house that evening, he knew immediately that something was wrong. Grandma Marie was leaning against the wall in the chair by the stove, her expression glum, and a lamp was still on in Lusien's room.
- Sorry to be late, Grandma. - Andre kissed her cheek as usual. - But on the road from Lurais the axle broke in Mr. Dache's cart. I was passing by and helped him put it together so he could go home. Lusien is still awake? Where is Oscar?
- Lusien won't fall asleep without you or Oscar - Marie replied resignedly. - Go to him, okay?
- Sure, I'll go. But where is Oscar? Why is she not home?
Grandma got up and grabbed him gently by the shoulders.
- Oscar's gone - she said softly.
- What? Gone?! - Andre raised his voice. - What do you mean by that?!
- Quiet, Andre! - Marie got angry - Lusien is upset enough that she is not there. Try to cheer him up somehow. Tell him she's only gone for a while and that she'll be back soon. Say what you want, he will listen to you only.
- But.. - he started to talk, but Grandma pushed him towards his son's room.
- Hi, honey - Andre gently ruffled the boy's hair above his forehead. - I heard from your great-grandma that you don't want to sleep. What's happening?
- I don't want to without you or Auntie - Lusien sniffed. - Why haven't you been back for so long, Dad?
- Sorry - Andre hugged him tightly.
- Dad, is this my fault? - the boy pressed his cheek against his chest - Is it my fault that Autie left?
- What are you saying, sweetheart! Sure it's not your fault!
- Good - Lusien's voice sounded a little happier. - Because today Auntie was weird. At first she was sad, when we're going back from Aunt Ella's home she was happy, and then when she got that letter from Mr. Perron she was sad again. And then she told me she had to go and arrange something, but she squeezed me so tightly she almost suffocated me. You know, Dad? I couldn't breathe at all! And then I saw that she had tears in her eyes, that I said.. I told her.. oh dad, I think I told her something bad because then she started crying..
- It's definitely not your fault, honey - Andre tried to cheer him up - Auntie had to leave.. for a while.. she will probably be back in.. in a few days.. What did you tell her?
- But don't be angry, okay? Dad? Don't be angry.. - the boy was anxious - I know I shouldn't.. But Auntie was so sad.. and it somehow slipped.. Don't cry, mommy, I said. Auntie is as lovely to me as a real mom, you know? Don't be angry, okay?
Andre's world stopped suddenly. He felt nothing but his heart pounding in his chest as if it wanted to break free. He heard nothing except the soft rustle of rain that had just begun to fall and the sound of his own breathing.
Ever since that child appeared in his life, he was his priority, always. Why had he acted differently now? He should have thrown back his pride and ignored his wounded soul and just begged her on his knees to stay here forever. He should have proposed a long time ago. For Lusien. And for himself. Instead, he let her believe she was indifferent to him. He was so stupid. Ella was right.
"We had a great time together, Andre, but it's over. I know this. And you too. Tear down that stone wall that you have built around your heart and give yourself a chance to be happy! You know well that behind this wall you hid a feeling that never disappeared. You were just kidding yourself. "
"You tell me you love me, and that may be true. I will always be grateful for that little piece of your heart. But I'm not going to reach for something that isn't basically mine. Give this heart to its rightful owner. "
"She is the mother of the child and loves him more than anything else in the world. You do not believe? Look into her eyes as she looks at him. Look at her hands as she strokes his hair. Think what she did to be here, what she passed through to stay. And trust her. And most of all, trust Lusien. "
Trust Lusien.
- Lusien says Oscar got the letter! - Andre stormed into the main room – Do you know what was in that letter, Grandma?!
- Andre.. - Marie tried to calm him down - Yes, she got the letter but she didn't tell me what was in it exactly. She just said she had to leave immediately. She took some money and.. and a gun.. She pleaded.. begged you not to look for her.
- But he'll be back, right? She said she would be back?
- I asked, but she didn't answer. She just cried, Andre, she cried so terribly.. - Marie's voice broke.
- Damn! - Andre cursed, and then in a few steps he was at the door to her room. He swung the door open so violently that the wood smashed into the wall next to it, destroying the whitewashing. He scanned the room, but everything looked completely normal. The bed was made and the gowns hung neatly as usual. Only the purse that Oscar had always kept on the bedside table was missing. Andre walked over to the table and looked into a drawer. It was empty. When he closed, something caught his attention. He crouched down and pulled out from under the bed neatly folded paper. The letter must have fallen out as she packed up the road. As she ran away.
The front of the envelope was written in faded blue ink: Oscar. On the back, instead of the sender, there were only two words: Guess who.
Andre would never be able to forget that handwriting. He had seen it for over twenty years on thousands of orders, payroll receipts and letters.
How did General de Jarjayes find Oscar in little Angles at the end of the world..?
