ENDING – Trust me. Forgive me.
Vadim Kiselev – „Give me your hand", „Forgive me"
- Where are you going? - the man's voice sounded rough and harsh.
Oscar couldn't see his face, hidden in the dark, but she thought the familiar frown must have appeared between his eyebrows. As usual when he was dissatisfied.
- How did you find me, Andre? - she asked with barely hidden anger.
She was so close now. Close enough to end it all so that nothing could endanger them anymore. Why did he have to stand in her way? How the hell did he get here at all?
- I found a letter. - Andre replied honestly. - When I read it, I knew immediately what would come to your mind and that you would like to throw this accusation at him. I know you so well after all, don't I?
Oscar turned and checked the bag. Right. The letter must have fallen out when she was in a rush to run.
- But I was wrong - she said, trying to dismiss him quickly. She knew she had to run away as fast as possible. If she looked at him for a moment longer, she wouldn't be able to leave him anymore. - I was wrong. Pierre is not to blame. It had to be someone else.
- I thought so - Andre nodded.
- Did you? - Oscar was surprised.
He sighed heavily.
- When you told me who he is, I checked him out and kept an eye on him. He hasn't been making any suspicious movements lately. He's clean.
- Diligent as usual - Oscar said a little sardonically - Okay. Now step back, Andre.
- No - he said impudently - I'm not going anywhere. I won't take a step back until you hear me out.
- I don't have time for this! - irritated Oscar was trying to put her foot in the stirrup, but the wet dress tangled around her ankle. - Damn - she cursed.
- Could you please listen to what I have to say to you, Oscar? - Andre did not give up - I have to tell you so many things.. Come home with me now. Please.. - he added in a suddenly soft voice.
- No way, Andre! Now that you know the content of the letter, you know very well that I have no other option. I have to leave. I need to see my father! - she shouted, struggling with the fabric of her dress.
- It's not true - he objected. - There is always another way out. For example, you could wait for me and show me the letter. Together, we could decide what to do next. Again, you made the decision about all of us. Alone.
Oscar's heart tightened with regret. Andre was right. It seemed that she was doomed to keep making the same mistakes over and over again.
- I'm so sorry - she whispered.
- Don't apologize, just come back with me. Please.. - he walked a few steps closer and extended his hand towards her.
She could see his silhouette clearly now. The water was streaming down his coat, wet hair was sticking out from under the hood, tangled in pods.
- I can't, Andre - she said in a broken voice, fighting the tears that started to appear in the corners of her eyes. - It's about your lives! Yours, Lusien's, Grandma's. I am a threat to you and therefore I must leave. Free you from me!
- What are you talking about?! - Andre got angry.
- You read the letter. If I don't meet him, he'll come here and kill you all! - she screamed.
Why doesn't he understand this? Why wouldn't he understand?, she thought.
Andre sighed resignedly.
- And if you go there, he'd kill you - he said dryly.
- Perhaps - Oscar shrugged - it's only a small price to pay for you being safe.
- And you believe that's what we need - he said sternly. - You see no other option but to go there and get yourself killed. And leave us here feeling guilty. Is that what you want?
Oscar grabbed the reins and gripped them nervously.
- You know very well that is not what I mean, Andre! Leave it already!
- No way! - He walked over to her a few more steps. He was so close now that she could see his face in the dim light of the distant street lamp. He was clearly angry. - Damn it! If I hadn't come back sooner and hadn't found this letter accidentally.. Has it ever occurred to you that your father might have been lying? That it was all just a trap he wanted to close you in? Since when do you trust so much everything he tells you?
- Don't try to cheat me! - Now Oscar was angry too. - I know you will say anything now to stop me. I know your feelings towards me, but it's still not enough, Andre! It is not enough to oppose the forces that want to destroy us!
Andre opened his mouth to scream out the answer he had prepared in advance, but hesitated.
- What did you say? - He stared at her with shocked eyes.
Only now Oscar realized that in anger she had revealed the secret. Something she had no right to know.
- Ella - she explained, trying not to meet his eyes - Ella told me everything.
Andre exhaled loudly, then laughed nervously.
- So you already know everything - he put his hand on the wet hood in a gesture of embarrassment - You know that I love you, and yet you want to leave. Why.. why am I still surprised?..
Oscar felt tears appear in her eyes. She should tell him now that he didn't understand anything at all. That she chose to leave precisely because she cares. That she loved him, loved him so much, and if the situation were different.. But now she was not allowed to reveal it. If Andre found out, he wouldn't let her go and save them all. She couldn't tell him the truth.
- It's not like that, Andre - she replied quietly. - Your love for me, as well as myself.. this is only a burden. You see for yourself how it all ended. I destroyed our life, the one we led in Paris. And now I also destroyed the life you started rebuilding in Angles. It's because of me that Ella left.. I can't forgive myself.. I'm like a bad omen, wherever I am, something bad is happening..
Hearing her words, Andre's hands began to shake noticeably. How was he going to convince her how wrong she was? How to show her that even after everything he's been through, he still loved her. That if he had been able to choose, the difficult life with her, that night, and even those years without her, he would still have chosen the same.
He couldn't let her go. He couldn't lose her again. So he stepped closer and pulled her to him, wrapping his arms around her tenderly.
She let him do it. He was so close she could feel his body tremble and his heart racing.
- Oscar.. - his voice lost all angry blackness and became soft and warm now, enveloping. - Could you trust me? This one, only time, would you please stop fighting me, close your eyes and just take my hand? Please, Oscar.. Just trust me..
And she suddenly felt safe. As if the fear-bearing teeth of the threats in that letter had lost their sharpness. Her body, taut at first like a string, ready to run at any moment, now relaxed. She was so tired. Of running away. Of hiding her feelings. Of the senseless fight with Andre. She just wanted him to hold her like that for the rest of their days. Even if these days were short, it would be worth it.
- I'm sorry, Oscar - Andre whispered close to her ear. - I'm screaming at you and accusing you, but actually it's me who's guilty. No one else but me.. I was hiding the truth from you. If I hadn't caught up with you.. If you had gone and let yourself be killed.. I would never forgive myself for that.
- What are you talking about? - She raised her head and looked straight into his eyes, full of guilt, glistening with regret and anxiety.
- This letter is indeed a trap - he replied honestly - Your father is no longer a threat to us. I've known about this for a few days, but.. I'm sorry I didn't tell you.
- Not a threat? - Oscar felt that her head was humming - What do you mean?
- I'll tell you everything I know, okay? Let's go back and I'll tell you everything.
Oscar felt doubts. Andre could, of course, be lying to stop her at any cost. But even if he was lying, even if..
Why hadn't she thought about it before? That her father might have been trying to cheat her. That there may also be other, better solutions than escape and confrontation. Suddenly she realized that she had just chosen the easiest way, and she was ashamed. She always thought she was so strong, but she turned out to be weak. Selfish.
She really wanted to trust Andre. She wanted to hear him. Suddenly, everything else didn't matter. All she wanted was to be with him.
- It's raining harder and you and I are soaked - she replied after a moment in a trembling voice - Let's find an inn, warm up and dry. You will tell me everything there. And then we'll go home.
Andre's hug suddenly felt firmer. They stood there for a moment, silent.
- All right - Andre said finally, relieved, a hint of a smile on his face - There's an inn not far from here, there should be a vacancies there at this time of the year. Come on. - He stepped back slightly and held out his hand to her.
She grabbed his hand with a certainty she had never felt before. She wasn't alone at last. The two of them were a force that nothing can resist.
- And Pierre? - she remembered suddenly - Will he not look for me?
- Don't worry, I already arranged it while you were standing under that balcony - Andre replied with a smirk.
- Oh, you made it all up so well! You are so clever! - She teased him.
He laughed, really happily this time. He moved closer to her and adjusted the hood over her head with a thoughtful gesture. Then he pulled his hood deeper over his forehead, took her hand back, and led her briskly down the dimly lit street.
...
Soon after, they entered the warm and dry main room of a small inn. There was few guests inside. Some of them were sitting over glasses of wine, a bit drunk already, others ate their meals or played cards. A fat man bustled between the tables, clearing and wiping the tables with a rag, which he tossed nonchalantly over his shoulder. Opposite the door, behind a small counter, stood a middle-aged woman. She had been so busy checking bills that it took her a moment to realize that new guests had arrived.
- Good evening, Madame Colin - Andre said as they came closer, and Oscar realized that they must know each other.
- Monsieur Andre! - The woman smiled broadly. - What brings you to us at such a late hour and in such a bad weather?! Is everything OK? How's Grandma?
- Grandma in good health, please don't worry - he said cheerfully - We were late and this terrible rain caught us unfortunately - he laughed - Are there any spare rooms, Madame? For this one night only, we will go to Angles in the morning.
The woman scratched her head.
- The last storm damaged our roof and there are leaks in a few rooms upstairs. We need to fix this, but for now..
- One room is enough - Oscar stood next to Andre. Her voice was firm. - All we need is a fire in the fireplace and a place to change. We won't stay long.
Andre held his breath for a moment, then exhaled loudly. The innkeeper looked at Oscar with round eyes. She was as surprised as Andre.
- Oh, I didn't know.. - She blinked, trying to act normal. - We still have one empty room at the end of the corridor. It is small but warm. You and your wife can stay there - she turned back to Andre.
- We aren't.. - he began to explain, but Oscar grabbed his arm and squeezed him so tightly that he hissed.
- Thank you very much, Madame! - she replied politely and nodded to the woman behind the counter.
- Why didn't you let me explain? - Andre whispered as they walked along the long corridor to the room indicated. He wondered what even came to Oscar's mind to pretend to be his wife.
- For what? It makes no difference to me. - She shrugged, closing the topic.
Andre opened his mouth to say something, then closed it without a word. He had barely dissuaded Oscar from going straight to death, and he had no intention to argue with her now.
The room was small, but very cozy. There was a large stone fireplace on one wall, and on the other, a double bed with a velor canopy that remembered the previous fashion.
While Oscar was changing, Andre lit a fire in the fireplace. Shortly thereafter, a pleasant warmth beamed from the fireplace. Gold and read flames painted dancing shadows on the walls.
- How nice - said Oscar, who had just emerged from behind the screen, dressed in dry clothes. Then she sneezed.
- Sit by the fire or you will catch a cold - Andre moved the rug lying on the floor near the fireplace, and when she sat on it, he covered her with a blanket - Wait here and warm up. I will change quickly, and then I will bring something to eat. Okay?
Oscar nodded and stared at the flames. She was oddly calm. As if the fear that had gripped her hours ago was now a feeling completely distant, not her own. She was no longer afraid of anything. Not with Andre. She didn't know what she might hear from him this evening, but decided to trust him, just as he asked her to.
- Do you like it? - he asked, sitting next to her on the rug and watching with contentment as she was eagerly eating the meal he had just brought. Slices of fresh rye bread, white cheese and grain coffee with milk. Andre also hadn't had anything in his mouth since lunch, and only now felt how hungry he was.
When there was not a single crumb of bread left, Oscar straightened and looked at him seriously.
- Go ahead - she said.
Andre took a few sips of coffee as if to give himself courage, cleared his throat, then put the cup down and stared down at his hands.
- A couple of days ago I got a letter from Bernard. Its content.. Let's say that I was shocked. And reassured at the same time. I'm sorry for those words..
- What was in that letter? - Oscar asked impatiently. Andre was not in the habit of dodging an answer like that.
- Your father - Andre looked up at her, his eyes troubled - Your father has always remained faithful to the monarchy. In the months after the revolution, he spent dividing his time between searching for you and conspiring. A secret society was established and it was planned to help the king and his family escape from France. But someone betrayed and the plans ended. Your father was arrested and charged with treason to the revolution. In a speedy trial, he was found guilty and sentenced to death. The sentence was to be executed.. yesterday..
- Yesterday?! - Oscar covered her mouth with her hand. She felt her head spin. - Why didn't you tell me? - she groaned in pain.
- It wouldn't change anything, Oscar - Andre replied sadly. - There was nothing you could do about it, and all this would only cause you unnecessary pain. That man.. was your father after all. I was afraid that..
- You were afraid that I would leave, right? - she whispered, trying to hold back her tears - that I will go to Paris and try to free him from prison?
- Could I have thought otherwise? - he spread his hands.
- I understand you - she said painfully. - You knew me as a person who obeyed his every command. I surrendered my freedom and my right to choose almost without a fight.
- I was thinking rather about love, about family ties.. - Andre objected.
Oscar fell silent. Her love for her father. Didn't her father destroy that feeling by trying to take the lives of those who were dear to her?
- He was a bad man - Oscar said in a broken voice. - He knew he was going to die and decided to drag me with him. What kind of father does something like that to his own child? - she felt the first hot tears on her cheeks. - How did it happen, Andre? How did his heart turn into a cold, hard stone? Why?
- Oscar.. - Andre pulled her gently to him. He didn't even know what words to comfort her with. As a father, he could not even imagine such cruelty.
Oscar sobbed quietly for a moment, snuggling against his shoulder.
- I wonder how my father could find out I was here. - she said finally in a choked voice - Do you think it's because of those two thugs I shot saving Ella? Pierre said he heard they were going to Paris. I wouldn't be surprised if they got into trouble there and ended up in a cell in the Bastille..
- Perhaps - agreed Andre. - But it could also be a coincidence. Your father sent his spies everywhere. Maybe the Polignacs? They spied on you even before the revolution, before they fled France like cowards. But their henchmen are still hiding somewhere.
- Countess Polignac? - Oscar was surprised.
- Yes - confirmed Andre. - You didn't even suspect anything? Unfortunately, Bernard writes that correspondence with her husband was found in your father's belongins. Letters mentioning your name. They managed to take away and destroy those that could in any way undermine the thesis about your death.
- My God.. - groaned Oscar, suddenly remembering the conversation from a few years ago - Back then, when Lusien was born, the Countess knew.. She knew about everything from the very beginning. How could my father get involved with these horrible people?
- I'm sorry you had to find out about it like that - said Andre sadly.
Oscar shook her head.
- And what about my family? Do you know anything about them?
- Your mother and sisters fled to Belgium not long after the Bastille fell. I was able to find their address. If you want to go back to them.. Just tell me. But if.. - Andre paused.
He had to try it now. If he didn't ask her to stay now, it might not be another chance. He took Oscar's hand gently in his.
- Oscar.. - he said, his voice a little shaky with emotion - I asked you earlier to come home with me. Can you do it, Oscar? I give you my word that life with us will not be hard for you from now on. You don't have to pay attention to my feelings at all, just pretend you don't know anything. We will live together as before, as if nothing had happened. We're gonna be family, Grandma, Lusien, you and me. A family that may be a bit unusual, but certainly warm and loving. Let's give Lusien what he hasn't had so far, okay? Mother and father. I know you love Lusien and you want the best for him, so please, Oscar.. Please don't reject me..
Oscar raised her eyes, still wet with tears, and looked straight into his, emerald and gentle. They stared at each other for a long moment without speaking.
- You don't have to worry about Lusien. I love my son the most in the world, he is my light, my treasure. I'd do anything to make him happy, so I'll stay, if only for him. But there is one more thing, equally important.. - Oscar said seriously. - I will never be able to make amends for the wrongs that you have suffered because of me, Andre. I will never be able to take back my own actions and words which were supposed to be the right thing but only caused you all suffering. I will never be able to pay back this debt of gratitude I owe you. But if you let me at least try to fix what I did.. Tell me, if I love you for the rest of our live, will you forgive me? Will you forgive me, Andre?
- Oscar.. - he only managed to choke out in shock.
He stared into her eyes in disbelief, twisting their hands together unconsciously tighter. He had the impression that he did not understand what Oscar was saying at all.
Seeing his confusion, she smiled softly, then moved closer so that their cheeks touched. Then she kissed him. She clung to his lips gently at first, a little still uncertainly. He tasted exactly as she remembered it, though that was so long ago. Andre sighed and tried to pull away, but she clung to him tighter, kissing him more feverishly. Her free hand touched his neck, running her fingers over his skin.
Andre's mind was agitated. Oscar had talked about love, and now she was kissing him with a passion he had never expected of her. Why?
- Oscar, Oscar, you don't have to do this - he finally protested. - You don't own me anything. And I already told you that I don't expect you to return my feelings..
Oscar broke away from his lips for a moment and looked at him with mock sternness.
- You're unwise - she said, trying not to burst out laughing at his confused face. - Stubborn. Often pissed off. Dissatisfied with me. But also affectionate. Caring. Frank. Hardworking and helpful. And I love you, Andre, just the way you are.
With every word she said, Andre's eyes grew bigger and bigger. Sometimes, later, he wondered how he had endured so much happiness at that moment.
- But how? - he asked foolishly. - Is that true, Oscar? When?
Oscar smiled.
- I don't know, Andre - she replied honestly. - Perhaps this feeling was always in me, but I only realized it when you disappeared without a trace. When I saw that blood stain on the floor.. The thought that you might have died shocked me deeply. But I never stopped believing that I would find you and that I could tell you both how much I love you. Hug my son. Kiss you again.
- Oscar.. - He put his hand on her hair, still a bit hesitantly - Why didn't you tell me about it right away, when you came here? We would have avoided so many misunderstandings, so many quarrels..
- I couldn't find the right time between the moments when you were angry at me and when you pretended I wasn't there at all - Oscar teased him.
- You're right, my behavior was terrible. If only I knew..
- So you believe me - she whispered, kissing him again.
- I don't think I have a choice - Andre laughed, then pulled her to him gustily.
Relief. Disbelief. Happiness. Inside him, there was thousand feelings and emotions he couldn't even describe.
My Oscar, he thought fondly, my Oscar.
...
That night, years ago, she closed her eyes, imagining that she was making love with someone else. The realization that she thereby left almost no memories for herself haunted her later and became almost an obsession. Then she promised herself that if she ever had the chance to make love to Andre again, she would keep her eyes wide open to remember everything. Every emotion his face would show, every touch, every tremble. She promised to hear every sigh and every scream.
She had never felt such desire as she did that evening in Chauvigny. Her body burned like an incandescent torch at the touch of Andre's fingers. In his embrace, rocked by the sound of his rapid breathing, she found her lost femininity
On that rug next to the fireplace, screaming his name, she said goodbye to former Oscar without regret, to become someone else entirely. A free woman to make decisions about herself. Wife. Mother. By her own choice.
- I think we should get married - she said, even before their bodies had cooled from their sudden passion.
- Oscar.. I couldn't dream about anything else - replied Andre - But you know that we cannot..
- Why not? - she objected - Oscar Francois de Jarjayes is long dead, and I am Francoise Boyer, a teacher who came from Paris. Your very, very, very distant cousin. Nothing prevents us from getting married - she explained confidently.
Andre laughed, stroking her arm lightly with his fingertips. Then he kissed her lips, slowly and tenderly.
- All right, Colonel - he said after a long moment, teasing her.
Oscar slapped him gently on the shoulder.
- Don't call me that anymore! - she snapped, pretending to be offended. - From now on you are to call me Madame Grandier. Or beloved wife!
- My beloved wife - Andre repeated obediently, choking with laughter.
- Let's go back, Andre - Oscar said after a while - Grandma and Lusien will be worried.
Andre nodded, then hugged her again, very tightly.
- I love you so much, Oscar - he whispered in her ear.
...
When Grandma Marie opened her eyes in the morning, the first thing she felt was the pain in the back of her neck. She had been in pain lately. Her hands. Her legs. Her back. Yesterday Lusien was so devastated by the absence of his parents that he did not want to fall asleep at all. When he did eventually, Marie collapsed on the bed, deathly tired.
Last evening.
Grandma Marie got to her feet, remembering all recent events. Oscar leaving. Andre trying to catch up with her. A feeling that something very, very bad was happening. Lusien's crying.
Marie dragged herself to the main room and scanned the place. Two cloaks, still almost completely wet, were drying near the stove, which radiated pleasant warmth. She felt her heart beat faster. With silent hope, she went to check the bedrooms. Andre's room was empty so she opened the door to Lusien's room. There were three people crowded in Lusien's small bed now. Andre slept on his back with Oscar pressed against his shoulder, their heads touching. Lusien slept between them, his head on Oscar's chest, his hands pressed tightly around her waist.
Grandma Marie closed the door quietly so as not to wake them and went back into the kitchen.
I have to prepare breakfast, she thought, wiping her tearful cheeks, When they wake up they will be hungry as wolves. Maybe I'll bake an apple pie too. All three love it.
With that in mind, she went to work, singing quietly.
...
THE END
...
Note from the author.
And this is where our story ends. Writing it had been a long, bumpy and winding road. Many thanks to everyone who wanted to follow this path with me. Without you, my motivation would not exist, this story would not exist.
I am so sorry to everyone that it all took so long, especially how long you had to wait for the ending. I hope you will find it was worth to wait.
Thank you for every review and every kind word. My readers, you are amazing!
Perhaps we will meet again somewhere, in a different place, in different stories, in a different fandom. If not, I just say goodbye and take care!
Yours,
Jo
