Title: Lost and Found
Summary: And then he came back.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
Sometimes Vanya wondered if this was all there was to life. Walking up, going to work, coming home. Years passing by in the blink of an eye. She used to think she would find freedom and purpose outside the walls of the Academy, in the real world, where she belonged all along, but maybe she didn't belong anywhere.
She wondered if maybe growing up in the Academy ruined her too much for the real world. Maybe she was being too optimistic and kind to herself in the book. She was screwed up just as much as the others.
Another day went by. Work was uneventful. She loved to play but playing in the orchestra with so many people who were far more talented and ambitious it sucked out the joy of playing. Pills helped like always. They made her feel less, which was a good thing because honestly, she didn't know what she would do if she didn't have her music.
She came home. When she first moved away she enjoyed the pure silence of no other person but herself. She used to hate the hushed noises of coming from her siblings' rooms which always had the door closed because they were too busy or not interested to spend the day with her. But sometimes, especially now more than ever, Vanya felt this strange coldness from the silence. It was like it was mocking her in a way, letting her know she was alone. All alone.
She set down her violin case and went to change. Perhaps she should get a cat. Someone to have around, to create some movement or noise. Someone to come home to and have around. Maybe she would feel less empty inside.
Once she changed into something comfortable, her old sweat pants and worn out t-shirt she ordered take out. She had no energy for cooking left inside her for months now.
When the food arrived, she tipped the delivery boy and sat herself in front of a laptop to watch some TV show until it was time for her to go to bed or she would be too tired. After the episode, a promo came on for some other TV show where Allison Hargreeves was supposed to be a guest star for next week. Vanya stopped everything and closed her laptop taking care of her dishes to busy herself. It had been four months and two days since her book was published and everything went to shit. She still remembered the horrifying call from Diego as he shouted at her for almost fifteen minutes, and she had no strength to end it. All she could do was to listen to the endless terribleness and nastiness he had to say to her before he finally hung up.
I hope you die in a ditch!
Her hands shook as she went to take a pill accidentally spilling the content of her medication on the table before she finally swallowed one dry. She thought their hate would have been better than their ignorance. She was wrong. At least in Diego's case.
Allison didn't call her at all, but someone from the agency did and threatened with a lawsuit. Luckily, they hadn't called since, so Vanya assumed they dropped it, or Allison decided she wanted nothing to do with her and suing her would give her bad press. She couldn't imagine facing her anywhere let alone in a courtroom.
She hadn't spoken with Klaus in years and she doubted he knew where she lived or her new number anyway. Oddly, she thought Klaus would be one of the few who wouldn't hate the book so much mainly because he was always sticking it up to dad, but on the other hand, she always thought he wouldn't care enough.
Luther called but sounded mostly disappointed and told her she harmed the good name of the academy. Vanya knew he was mostly upset about dad not about what she wrote about him. He was always a follower.
She wasn't sure what Ben would say or Five. They might be upset. She was sure they would be upset, and she wouldn't blame them. She thought about them more often now than ever wondering about what would they be like and if their relationships toward her would be as cold as with her other siblings.
She used to be close with them or as close as possible given how they tended to stick to each other, to the members of the academy. But once again, she fucked everything up. They would probably be pretty upset as well. She should have accepted she was only meant to be ordinary and never achieve anything worthy of mentioning or coming out to the spotlight.
Vanyawent to brush her teeth, it wasn't that late, but a part of her just felt that she wanted to go to bed early and not have to deal with anything for a couple of hours. There wasn't anything to actually deal with, but the loneliness and numbness disappeared whenever she was in bed. The bed was a safe place for her somewhere she could hide from the world and stay all day watching TV shows or reading books not dwelling about the outside world and all the problems and loneliness. It was the only place she never felt as alone as she did everywhere else.
Bending down she thought she heard something, but it was mostly covered by the sound of the water as she washed her mouth and face.
Still, Vanya turned around.
She didn't see anything. Maybe it was just in her head.
She took a towel and dried her hands taking her time. It was night, but not too late. She shouldn't even go to bed, but she didn't have the energy for reading and she finished another TV show yesterday, so she would have to go through the process of finding something new to watch which she always wasn't in the mood in. Not to mention she felt her stomach turn every time she thought about seeing the promo for Allison's role.
When she heard something fall in the living room, she paused and turned around.
The only light was coming from her bedroom lamp and bathroom where she was currently standing, but the noises sounded more distant, but not distant enough to come from another apartment.
Vanyaheld her breath trying to pay closer attention to the silence in her apartment.
Did she just imagine it?
She slowly walked out of the room. She also thought she heard something before when she was brushing her teeth. It made her nervous now. Could it be someone was in her apartment? She never had a break-in but her neighborhood wasn't the safest. Maybe she should have invested the money from the book into a new place.
She kept a baseball bat inside her closet just in case. Growing up the way she did know the city and people weren't all good also hearing Five's nagging voice that she always needed to have an escape plan. Even as a child he used to be incredibly paranoid, but she was also touched he always thought about keeping her safe. Ironically Diego was the one who brought it to her after she refused to keep a knife inside her mattress.
So her plan was to swing the bat as hard as she could if there was an intruder and rushed to the hallway hoping at least one of her neighbors will let her stay in their place and call the police. That was the plan. She assumed it was a good plan, well, she hoped. Giving that her landline was in the kitchen and her cell was somewhere in the living room she didn't even know where it was the best plan she could think of.
She managed to get the bat and slowly made her way closer to the living room. It was all dark and it was much easier to be brave when she constructed the plan in her mind. This was ridiculous. She should lock herself in the bathroom and wait it out, right? How was she a 5'1 tiny woman supposed to defend herself against a burglar on her own?
A horrible scenario where she would die at the end of this came to her might just as she caught a bluish light and heard the voice.
'No, no, no. Not here. I wasn't supposed to be here,' someone, a man, said out loud and Vanya watched as her living room came for a moment lightened by a bright blue color followed by what sounded like...like...
'Damn it, come on!' snapped the man and Vanya dropped the bat covering her mouth as in that frustrated urgency along with the voice and blue color she recognized... she recognized...
Her free hand reached for the light switched as she let go of her mouth breathing out a bit louder than a whisper, 'Five?'
There was a man wearing a dirty rag or a coat kneeling on her carpet with his back toward her.
'Not the right time,' he snapped in a sharper than a knife voice, and Vanya swallowed her heart which was now in her throat as she made her way to the man slowly without any means of defense if she turned out to be wrong, and he was just some homeless weirdo.
She walked around the couch so there was still some distance between the man who started to mumble something to himself.
Not the right time. Must go back. Wrong equations.
And other things Vanya couldn't hear properly over the mumbling.
'Five? Is...is that you?' she asked once she got close now seeing the man was wearing a large scarf over his mouth and a hat. She couldn't properly see his face, but even so, it was seventeen years. How the hell was she supposed to know how Five looked like? If it was him that is. But the light and his voice she just...she felt something inside her like an intuition telling her that yes despite all odds this was her long-lost brother. She just…used to leave the lights on and his favorite sandwiches all over the house in hopes he would come back. They used to be close. The closest of their siblings. Everyone was paired with someone Luther with Allison, Diego with Mom and Klaus with Ben and Five…Five with her. He was the only one whose door even if it was closed always opened whenever she knocked. She remembered how sometimes his eyes softened when he found her there and told her, 'Good just in time for our next session.' That was what he called him explaining about his theories and ideas. The ones she rarely understood, but he never seemed to mind as he always ended with. 'Thank you for listening, it was the most productive I have been all day.' Or something equally close to a compliment.
'Five, can you hear me? Please, Number Five,' she said as she got closer to the man, and suddenly the man's mumble stopped. He didn't move or try to look at her, but she could see his hands were shaking now even if hidden by the torn gloves.
Why was he dressed so poorly? What happened to him? God, was it even him?
She took in a deep breath and took the last few steps now facing the man maybe three or four steps away from him everything inside her buzzing with anxiety and expectation of the possibility no matter how small that he was who her gut was telling her he was.
'It's me, Five. Do you recognize me?' she asked slowly and waited, but the man's eyes kept on the carpet and his hands rather than her.
She gathered all her courage and walked toward the man a bit closer feeling the hair on the back of her neck standing up as she knew that if it was an intruder it would take him maybe two seconds to grab her and tackle her to the ground.
'Number Five.'
Not knowing if it was smart and it probably wasn't, she put her hands over his noticing how damaged they were from labor work of some sort at least from what she could see on the torn parts of the gloves. The skin on his palms was burned and scarred, and Vanya felt that when she covered them she saved herself from imagining what might them caused them to look like that.
'It's me, Vanya.'
The man's head snapped up his eyes, forest green and intense just as she remembered them even if the experience and surprised behind them were new. But at last, it was the final proof she needed to know for sure that her heart was right and this was Five, how could he not be? She would recognize his eyes everywhere.
'Look at me. I won't stop until you push that hair of yours away and look me in the eyes, Seven,' she remembered an eleven year old Five holding her by the shoulders when she wanted to leave too afraid of what dad might do if he caught them talking and not studying in the library.
She took a hold of his wrists sneaking her fingers under the dirty sleeves of the coat locking his hands under hers, 'Do you remember me?'
The eyes she knew all too well and hadn't seen for so long blinked with new realization and recognition. So he remembered her as well. Upon the almost impossible to contain the joy of Five truly kneeling on her carpet alive she always felt pride and something else warm and heavy inside her chest knowing he even recognized her.
He was silent as he pulled one hand away from hers and reached out to her face. The tips of his fingers stopping against her cheek ever so slightly yet she could feel their warmth against her skin and wondered if he felt hers against them as well, 'Vanya.'
She smiled a bit feeling tears rushing into her eyes because of the way he said her name was the same. Oh, she could never forget the way he would say her name. With care, patience, sometimes a laugh or chuckle when she did something he thought was funny or adorable. He was the only one who ever told her she was funny or adorable during her childhood and adulthood.
'Hi, Five. Welcome back,' she said watching as his eyes moved over her face to the rest of her taking her in like he saw her for the first time making her feel almost dizzy with from the intense and yet amazed gaze like she was a miracle or a fine painting.
'Vanya,' he said and shifted his fingers pressing his whole palm against her cheek.
'Yes, yes,' she said and touched the wrist of the hand he pressed against her face not able to hold the tears any longer. She dreamed and prayed for Five to come back for so long, she lost hope years ago, feeling like a traitor when dad forced her to leave more or less kicking her out. She craved the whole night wondering if Five would hate her if he came home to find her gone if he would think she gave up on him somehow.
But here he was alive and back.
'Oh, my God, Five, you're back.'
The green eyes blinked the rest of his face still hidden by the scarf and hat as he said, 'I...I'm back?'
Vanya went to answer when all of the sudden Five's hand slipped from her face and he fell to the ground causing her to let out a startled gasp before trying to shake him awake, 'Five? Five!'
He mumbled something but didn't wake up much to Vanya's worries. She tried to check on the surface of his dirty clothes for any injuries, but she couldn't find anything.
'Five, Five, are you hurt? I-I'll call dad-'
'Not dad,' she heard him whisper. She quickly removed the scarf and hat and was meet with a man with a very large and not well-attended beard, 'not dad, please, Vanya.'
She bit her lip before she nodded. Five only said please if he was being sarcastic or really meant it. Somehow she had a feeling that didn't change and it meant the same it did then now.
'Okay, but what's wrong with you? Where are you hurt?' she asked and put her hand against his cheek. He looked so much different. If she didn't see his eyes maybe she wouldn't even know it was him. She would have passed him on the street and assume it was a stranger.
He didn't answer and remained motionless on the ground and against her touch.
'Five? FIVE!'
She tried to shake him awake again, but he slipped into unconsciousness for good.
'Shit,' she said feverishly looking around thinking what to do next before she decided to call for help.
Vanya bought herself a coffee from the nearby coffee machine and returned to the room they put Five in.
Since he didn't want her to contact dad, she had to improvise and call the ambulance making up a story that she knew James, the homeless man and offered him to stay the night, but he fainted. The ambulance came and even with a few grumpy remarks about how he stank and that she was crazy for allowing someone like that into her apartment, they took him to the hospital. When the doctor started to list everything from the countless number of scars all over his body, to not properly healed broken bones, and a recently opened wound on the side not to mention feat and dehydration Vanya barely held in the remains of her lunch and tears.
What happened to you, Five? Where did you go?
Even if Vanya spent countless of hours daydreaming and dreaming about where Five was she always pictured him in a nice place. Better than the house and academy. Somewhere he could have worked on his equations and theories and not have to deal with dad and their siblings. Somewhere good. Even if a darker thought did cross her mind about him being somewhere not so pleasant where something bad might have happened to him. She only ever allowed thoughts like that when she got bitter about his absence and why he never came back before she changed them away feeling horrible. In the end, she didn't care when Five went as long as he was okay. That would be enough. No surprise that another one of her childhood wishes didn't come true.
The chat with the doctor was a couple of hours ago, and Five still hadn't woken up. The doctor said they cleaned up all wounds and fixed some of the bones. He explained that he might have been still unconscious only due to exhaustion, but it didn't ease Vanya's mind one bit.
She sat the coffee on the small table next to his bed and went to his sleeping form lightly brushing his long hair away from his face, 'What happened to you? Where did you go?'
She still felt like she was inside a dream. The whole time since she called the ambulance up until this moment, there was still a part of her that was waiting for her to wake up and realize it was all a dream and Five was still gone.
'Please, don't be a dream,' she whispered to him and grimaced a bit, 'I really...I really missed you, and I need you now more than ever.'
He stayed unresponsive, but as long as he stayed she was fine with it for now.
Her fingers trailed a recent scar on his cheek, and she wondered how he got it, or any of the scars and wounds he had. Did he get into a fight wherever he ended up with? Was he tortured?
Her own heart bled with such a terrible thought.
She didn't even care how he found her, she was just so happy he was there with her. The doctor said he should be alright, and it was honestly the only thing which was keeping her from crying her eyes out.
'Five, you're back,' she said more to herself than him at that moment trying to fully embrace it all when suddenly Five's eyes flew open and he caught her forearm in his grip firmly.
It startled Vanya to remain speechlessly looking at him for a few seconds as he glared at her hand now only close to his face, but not touching him anymore.
'Five, it's alright,' she spoke and watched as his eyes softened with the same realization as before, and then looked up to see her face. She hoped she looked as non-threatening and calm as possible when she offered him a small smile, 'Hi.'
He blinked still holding her forearm tightly. It lasted a couple of moments before he started to look around the room too.
'We're in a hospital. You didn't want me to contact dad, so I got you here. They did a checkup and everything and-'
'Fuck that,' he cut her off, and she blinked shocked for a moment her mouth opened. She never heard him curse like that which was understandable they were kids when they last saw each other but still.
'Uh, what?'
He sat up and moved to the edge of the bed. Definitely something the doctor advised not to do so shortly after waking up.
'Wait, you shouldn't walk, the doctor said-'
He pulled her by the forearm closer to him and they put another hand around her waist almost pressing her against his chest complete which made her only now realize just how tall he got, 'Five?'
Before she knew it her stomach did a triple jump as she felt like she was falling through time and space or whatever that meant and then literally falling to the carpet in her apartment feeling like she wanted to puke.
She gasped in shock realizing what must have happened, what Five must have done, and spun around to find him pressed against her wall, his eyes closed and him mumbling something to himself.
'Five, you weren't supposed to leave the hospital...,' she stopped talking as he saw him pushed even more into the wall and continue to mumble while his eyes staying closed.
She walked on her knees toward him before she stopped in front of him and put her hands on his face causing him to finally stop mumbling and take a deep breath.
'Are you real?' he asked not opening his eyes, 'Tell me are you real?'
She stroked his cheeks, 'Yes, Five, I'm real.'
'I can't tell...I can't tell anymore...you...I don't know anymore,' he said and opened his eyes. They looked so broken, he looked so broken. It made her want to cry for him because knowing him or the boy she knew when she was a child, he wouldn't do it himself.
She tried to say something but didn't know what. She didn't know how to make him feel better.
She grabbed one of his hands and pressed it against her chest where her heart was beating like crazy, 'Can you feel my heart? My heartbeat?'
He pressed his palm further into her chest his eyes on their hands. Five remained silent for a while probably feeling her heartbeat, listening if it was really there.
But instead of relief she saw the conflict in his eyes as he shook his head tears now falling down his cheeks breaking her already broken heart even more, 'I dream of you all the time. I see you all the time...I don't know if you're real. How are you real? How is this not just a cruel daydream again or nightmare and I will-I will,' his voice got quieter by the end as he closed his eyes the last tear running down his cheek and chin before falling to the ground, 'I will still be in that place.'
Vanya shook her head as well even if she didn't know how to prove it to him that they were really together again, that it was real.
She brushed her own tears away doing her best in holding the other ones inside and pulled Five into her arms in the tightest hug her weak skinny arms could make, 'I'm real. I'm Vanya. I used to come into your room and complain about how dad was being cruel and unfair, and you would tell me to be patient and that we would be out soon living how we wanted to.'
His hands circled her back as well pulling her into an even tighter embrace holding her closer. She tried to remember the last time she ever hugged someone like that, but even in her brief flings no lover ever held her that close and that desperately as Five making it almost seem like she would get lost in the embrace. Honestly, she would want nothing more but to do that feeling everything from his wild heartbeat against her chest, his shaky breathing against her shoulder and neck, his warm and body against her own. Just feeling all of him.
She didn't know what to do, but if holding him helped just a little bit, she would hold him all night long, 'Your walls were always such a mess of numbers, formulas, and equations. No one but you understood them. Remember when you tried to explain them to me, and we ended up laughing as I couldn't get anything right? You never made fun of me for not understanding. You said you were glad I at least tried and was the only one who listened and was the easiest to talk to. You were too. Everyone else always looked so annoyed when I spoke with them, not you though. You always acted like my ramble about dad and music was the most interesting in the world, remember?' she continued to talk to him without waiting for an answer for what felt like hours maybe even longer until she felt his grip loosened but didn't let go.
She pulled him closer and kissed the side of his head not letting go either, 'You were always my favorite. My only confidant, did you know?'
With that, he pulled her closer again, but still didn't say anything maybe because he still didn't believe her, maybe because he did believe her. It didn't matter. None of it. All she cared about was that he was back in her arms, and she felt ridiculously happy even when he was such a mess. She just wanted to hold him close and know he was there with her.
She brushed her fingers through his hair all through the night in the uncomfortable position of their embrace on her floor talking to him nonstop. It was the most she had spoken in seventeen years, and she felt her throat hurt by the end of it when morning came, but she didn't care.
When he started to slide against her chest she let him and then allowed him to lie his head down into her lap as trying to move his legs and arms to a more comfortable way even if it would still suck for him in the morning when he woke up after sleeping like this.
She took another careful look at his face. He changed so much. He grew up like the rest of them, but his face held so much more pain. What happened to him? Who hurt him like this? All thoughts and theories continued to rush through her mind as she watched his sleeping form. At least now he looked at peace and not haunted by whatever he had been through. It made the smallest smile to form on her face as in just a few hours of coming back to her Five managed to make her feel what she hadn't since the day he left, needed and wanted to be around someone.
Taking a deep breath Vanya pressed her back against the wall behind her. She didn't take her eyes off of him or stopped stroking his hair. She was no longer worried that he would be a dream, but she dreaded what he would feel or do if he woke up and not see her again. She wouldn't want that either so she remained on the floor with him not caring if her back and ass will blame her for it later.
When Five woke up again it was much calmer than when he did so in the hospital. Vanya was looking at the sunrise outside her window still running her fingers through his messy hair when she felt him stir. He blinked a few times his eyes fixed at her face without saying anything, and neither did Vanya for a moment giving him time to adjust again.
He took a deep breath and raised his hand slowly reaching for the side of her neck touching her skin right under the collar of her shirt gently like a feather of a bird, 'Are you really real?'
'Yes,' she said instantly barely letting him finish.
His eyes watched her for a moment the softness from last night and all those years before back when he asked, 'Promise?'
'Cross my heart and hope to die,' she said pressing her hand against her chest looking down at him while his fingers stroke the side of her neck softly before he looked away from her to her apartment and the daylight outside.
A few more minutes, and he sat up, Vanya immediately missing the feeling and warmth of his body against hers before she got used to the absence again.
'Are you hungry? The doctor said...,' she paused not sure how to start the topic of the poor physical state his body was in before she thought better, 'I can make breakfast.'
She stood up giving him a hand to help him up, he took it but looked around the room again his eyes landing on the black plastic bag which Vanya assumed was his and left in the apartment.
He nodded before looking around her apartment which made her bite her lip and think. Should she ask him now? Should she wait?
'I don't have marshmallows thought or peanut butter for that matter... or bread,' she said realizing her fridge was definitely empty since she hadn't cooked in ages and stopped eating breakfast around the time she moved her.
Five blinked and look at her and for a moment she felt a stab in the heart that he didn't remember before the corner of one of his lips ever so slightly crooked to the side and he said, 'Now, that's a crime. My first day back, I can't even have my favorite sandwich?'
She chuckled and looked away before she looked back at him catching him looking at her a bit stunned as she said, 'I will go buy it...'
She paused again realizing she would be forced to leave Five alone for that time being.
He seemed to realize it too before he said, 'I don't need it. Anything will do.'
She looked away embarrassed and feeling her stomach sickening as he was being nice about it which made it even worse, 'Yeah, I don't really have anything here but a jar of pickles.'
'I can eat it,' he said, and she brushed her hair only now realize it was down. She must have lost her hair tie during the jumping from the hospital back to her apartment.
'It's been open forever. I only keep it because if I don't I will turn my fridge fully off which would mean I resigned to ever buy food again,' she babbled knowing it sounded ridiculous, but Five just shrugged his shoulders said with a straight face, 'I ate worse.'
She felt the same stab in the chest as before feeling he was telling the truth before she said stepped closer, 'I will go to the groceries it's right down the street you can see it from my bedroom window. You…,' she paused searching his eyes, 'you came back. I want to make you a proper treat. I made a few while you were gone in case you came home.' One thousand and fifty-seven, but he didn't need to know that. She used to make one every day for a few years.
His eyes changed a bit for a second before he nodded, and he looked almost pleased before he straightened his face and said, 'Alright then.'
Vanya took in his appearance again, 'Maybe you can take a shower I will be back before you know it. Unless you want to come with me?' she asked slowly and watched as something flashed behind his face, something like panic, 'I will wait here.'
She nodded for a moment again not knowing what to do before she rushed to the bedroom, 'I might have something for you to wear and, uh, towels,' she spoke out loud filling the silence.
Five followed close behind but stayed on the doorstep just looking at her, in the end, a bit hesitant.
She handed him what she could find, 'The pants are Diego's. He used to live here for a while a long time ago, but they might fit. Uh, I wear large shirts to bed.'
He nodded and took the clothes and then towel looking at her like he wanted to say something but didn't.
She didn't want to go. Honestly, she would feel better if she stayed with him, but took a deep breath and nodded to herself, 'Take as much time as you wish in the shower, I will try to hurry.'
He nodded as well and finally looked at her his expression soft again. Vanya shook her head and threw her arms around him pulling him for a tight hug again, 'I'm sorry, I just-you were gone for so long-'
'It's fine. I...missed you too. You can't imagine,' he said one of his hands letting go of the items squeezed between their bodies and touching her head pressing it even more against his shoulder in a very affectionate way. No one touched her like this for ages if ever. It reminded her of the time dad was especially meaningful to her and Five forced her into his room where he tugged her into his bed and put a blanket over her head, 'Now, dad can't get to you. No one can. The blanket will keep you safe. I will keep you safe.'
'Missed you more,' she said trying to be coy, but she felt him shake his head and pressed his beard against her forehead scratching her a bit, but she found the sensation oddly nice.
'No. Believe me, I missed you more,' he said holding her for a few seconds longer making her get familiar with his breathing, his heartbeat, his smell even if it was bad, his pure existence. She tried to recall the last time they hugged like this before he was gone. When dad told her something so mean about her playing she cried? When he told Five his theories were childish and he was an idiot for believing them? When he made the training extra hard and told Vanya to stay in her room without dinner? She couldn't remember when was it, but she could clearly picture the moment she was in Five's arms feeling safe and knowing however sad and bad she was feeling it would all pass because Five was there holding her close and tight. Even if now he was covered in dirt and smelled like he hadn't shower for weeks, possibly months, under all that filth she could still smell him. A constant reminder of how all would be well. She used to sneak into his room after he was gone just to recall it and the feeling it evoked inside her.
Very slowly he started to let her go looking down at her, 'I'll be here.'
'Okay,' she said the feeling he wanted to say something else before she rushed to the door knowing if she stayed a second longer she wouldn't force herself to leave at all, and as tempting as it was, they needed food.
It took her longer than she expected because once in the store, she realized she should buy more food in case Five was planning to stick around which caused her to space out a bit wondering if he really was planning to stay. They haven't talked. She rushed out of the apartment the first chance she got, and she had no idea if Five was planning to stay or leave. If he planned to contact the others meet up with them or eventually dad. She shivered at the thought remembering just why that would be a terrible idea. She would have to come clean about the book and let him read it and make up his own mind about it and hate her. She almost dropped the bags with the sudden nausea of the realization that Five just came home, back to her and he would hate her because of the stupid book.
She unlocked the door and rushed inside pausing when she caught the sound of the water in the bathroom running. She noticed the black plastic bag was gone from the living room, but with the water, she was sure he was still in the apartment and let out a revealed sighed. He stayed.
She started to put away the groceries and make lunch since it was too later for breakfast. She made ten peanut butter sandwiches with marshmallows and one regular one for her making sure they were neatly set on the table remembering the times she did this when she was a kid. She smiled almost fondly even if she just a bit as she recalled Pogo always falling a victim to her sandwiches.
She maybe played a bit too much with the sandwiches but by the time she was done, she realized it was close to evening. It surprised her, and she blinked confused wondering if Five still wasn't done with the shower.
She bit her lip listing the pros and cons of going to check up on him. Just to be sure.
'Hey, I'm back,' she said not sure what else to say.
No answer. Her heart dropped a bit by that and she tried again knocking a few times before she took the handle and turned it around fearing that he might have left the water running and left or…or…
He left the door unlocked which surprised her even more.
Inside she found him the tub sitting there motionless.
She averted her eyes to the side trying to look at her wall than at his naked body because she was never good with nudity and was sure this was a violation of every boundary people had between each other, 'Five? Are you alright?'
When he didn't answer which caused her to blink and turn back to him. He was still sitting motionless without any indication he was aware she was present. Maybe it was a bad idea to leave the hospital. Apart from the physical injuries, there could have been something psychologically wrong with him as well, and she was the last person who would knew how to handle that.
Slowly she walked closer to him trying to keep her eyes at eye level feeling her face slowly warming up but writing it off as due to the awkwardness of the situation and the hotness of the running water in the closed room.
'Five,' she very gently put her hand on his shoulder, and he looked up at her blinking. He didn't look stressed or surprised she was there. He just blinked very slowly at her, 'Vanya.'
She wasn't sure what to do but she knew the water would run cold at some point, and it looked like all he did was sit still there under the stream.
'Come on let me help you with that,' she said trying to gather her thoughts and what she just said. She took the soap and the sponge and just did what she would do if she was the one taking the shower. Vanya wasn't a very social person. It was a curse that followed her from childhood. Sometimes she wasn't sure if it wasn't just something that imprinted on her because of how dad and her siblings threatened her, but other times she wondered if it wasn't her own fault. She never went out with any of her colleagues for drinks or to celebrate anything. She didn't even talk to them. She kept to herself not knowing any of her neighbors' surnames and never initiated small chat. As for closer relationships apart from now hating siblings, she didn't have any friends, not by the definition or relationship. She barely functioned with her colleagues. And as for lovers they were as short-lived as her Chinese food, and they weren't deep not at all. No matter how much she gave of herself and far she took the relationship in the bedroom, she didn't feel any intimacy. Not the real one she hoped existed when two people connected at least she still hoped there was and not just a pretty lie of the fiction books and movies she watched. With most of them, she didn't even get fully naked feeling too exposed and not ready which was why they maybe never lasted although when she looked back she didn't really want to. She just wanted them to fill the void.
Washing Five was something which made her feel like she was the one exposed, naked, bare. She felt almost like she was butt naked in the tub and not him because every nerve ending in her body was tickled and lightened up in a way that made her all too aware of everything. It felt strange, but not terrible. She would think it was like when people let themselves out of their comfort zone and did a new thing. They weren't necessarily bad, but they made a person feel painfully aware of what they were doing. Vanya couldn't help, but think It felt more intimate than any of the times she had sex which should make her feel sad and pathetic but only got her to look at it as a precious moment and experience. It wasn't even sexual at least not all the time which might have helped to make it so intriguing until she started to move lower to apply soap and felt him go hard against her touch.
She gasped a bit before she could stop herself, but Five didn't look at her then and continued to look ahead giving her an easy escape.
She knew now she was blushing but told herself it was just the physical reaction of his body pushing the embarrassment away and blaming the heat on the warm water.
'All done,' she said when after what felt like a lifetime when managed to wash all the soap and shampoo out of his Five's body trying to keep her eyes on his blank face rather than anywhere else even if she already touched him there a few times now. He looked and smelled a hundred times better, but the beard definitely needed some cutting.
She turned around for a moment to give him the towel, not sure how she would be able to get him out of the tub when Five stepped out of it on his own and surprised her by putting his hands over her cheeks not bothered by his nakedness one bit. His face was clearer now and his eyes more focused as they scanned her face before he leaned down pressing his forehead against hers. His voice was a whisper, 'Not a dream.'
Vanya wanted to joke. She wanted to lighten up the situation and her embarrassment with a joke like if he often dreamed of her getting him cleaned, but forgot it the moment she realized he was still scared it wasn't real and pushed the idea away for both of their sakes.
She threw the towel over his shoulders and then pressed her hands against and the front of it against his chest. She still wasn't used to how tall he was, 'No, it's not.'
Five remained still for a moment his eyes shut and their bodies close before he stepped away putting the towel properly, 'Where's my sandwich?'
A.N: Thank you for reading and the support. If you want to leave some feedback. Hope all of you and your loved ones are okay.
