Vanya woke up with a start again somewhere in the middle of the night. This time to a pair of hands running over her body in feverish moves that puzzled her sleepy mind.
She blinked away some sleep and even in the darkness of her room recognized Five's silhouette on top of her as she laid with her back on the ground where she came to join him after he found him there and not on her couch.
Reality kicked in and Vanya dumbfounded laid still as she felt his hands roaming over her shoulder and stomach, arms and chest in too quick and feverish touches to be in any way mistaken for some romantic or seductive attempts of any kind. They were too urgent and desperate almost like he was fighting with her body but also not quite.
Despite the just woken up state, the brunette quickly realized that something was wrong.
'F-five?' she asked worried and put her hands against his face as he continued to move on top of her not sure what his hands were searching for exactly, 'Five, it's okay,' she tried remembering the time when he first showed up, then when he teleported them from the hospital and then in the bathtub, 'I'm here. I'm okay.'
His hands didn't slow down, however. Maybe he was too far gone.
He wasn't crushing her. He wasn't even properly sitting on her or anything which would cause her pain just trying to…feel her.
Without thinking she reached one of her hands and took a hold of his shirt before she started to drag him toward her having a feeling maybe all he really needed was reassurance just like before that she was really there, and that he really made it home.
She moved her hands into his hair and carefully laid his head against her chest turning into a temporary pillow for his head all the while whispering softly into the dark and hopefully his somewhat listening ear, 'Five, it's okay. I'm here.'
She imagined that was how a mother would have calmed down her son if he was having a nightmare with care and comfort and the feeling of being close to her heart to remind him that he was safe, and with her, and home.
As his head reached her chest his hands stopped moving over her shoulder and side, but his breathing was still a bit loo loud almost panting loudly, almost violently in the silent night.
'I'm here, Five. You're back. You made it back to me,' she told him again and pushed him closer against her body hoping that even with her bony frame he could find enough softness to come back from whatever madness was consuming him, maybe even fall asleep again.
It felt like an hour or two passed with her fingers combing his hair into the rhythm of Vanya's slowing down the heartbeat. She was worried after she realized Five was once again suffering an episode but with how calm he appeared now it relaxed her as well.
'Vanya,' mumbled eventually and pushed his entire face against her chest, his nose close to the beginning of her shirt that even if it shouldn't, left her to feel some blood rush to her cheeks causing them to blush.
It was a normal reaction. She tried to convince herself of that. It was dark. It was a while for her to touch anyone like this. Her connection with Five was always strong, and he was an adult man pressed against her breasts, of course, she felt something. But that didn't mean it matter or meant anything. She was just being silly and her body was just working on primal levels.
'It's okay, Five. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere, I promise,' she whispered into the dark her fingers gently stroking his hair like they did the night before convincing herself that he was here.
He came back.
Oh Five, what had happened to you out there in the world?
He nodded against her and let his hand rest on her shoulders keeping her close as if she wasn't already under him and with no way to get out even if she wanted to which she didn't. He should be heavy since he was so much taller than her, but the extra weight was actually welcoming. It had been a long while since she had anyone to sleep next to her, and even then, it was never this close or intimate. She knew her lower belly twisting in that wonderfully dreadful way was a mistake, but with no way out, she didn't have the strength to stop it so she just let it run its natural course telling herself she would be angry with her body reactions tomorrow. She had more pressing matters now than whatever her heart seemed to have in mind.
She wasn't sure if Five had another episode or a bad dream, but she wanted to shield him away from both of them the same. He didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve this fear and state of mind. Whatever he had been through and wouldn't tell her must have been horrible, and broke Vanya's heart over and over again just scaring herself with the possibilities of what it could have been.
Taking in a deep breath Vanya started to stroke his hair again not realizing she stopped and wondered if she shouldn't have been more upset that she woke up to him touching her like that but given how freaked out he looked and still felt, she didn't have it in her. Besides, ever since she was a child, she had this primal instinct that she could trust Five. With her secrets, with her worries even with her life. Whenever she needed to help one of their other siblings, she occasionally wondered if she wouldn't get hurt accidentally of course, but still. Never with Five though. With him, Vanya always knew he would rather get hurt himself than hurt her. She wondered if that wasn't the case why he didn't wake her up and instead sneaked into her bedroom if he wanted to be close to her. He rather suffered a bad back in the morning than cause her discomfort.
Idiot
Either way, it was a problem for the morning, so for now she again closed her eyes and tried to fall asleep on the floor again. Tomorrow she would tell him they were sharing the bed whether he liked it or not.
'Honestly, you worry too much, Vanya,' she could still hear his young voice knowing he was smirking in that brave and cocky way so typical for him, 'What's the worst thing that could dad do to us?'
'Tear us away from each other.'
In the morning, Vanya silently cursed Five to the deepest hells when she woke up in the morning her back killing her, before she realized she didn't really mean it, well, maybe just a little bit. Her back really hurt, and she couldn't recall the last time she slept on a floor. Maybe when Klaus got high as hell after Ben's passing and asked her to stay in his room but then spread over the whole bed like a starfish? Yeah, it definitely hurt more now.
Stupid grownup body.
It took a moment for Five to fully wake up, but once he did, he literally shot his head up and looked at her startled. It was clear, he didn't recall the events of last night. His green eyes were filled with shock ad panic upon being this close to her, in such a position.
Vanya's annoyance from the back pain melted away quickly upon seeing him look so rested and better than before even with such a facial expression, not to mention seeing him and knowing he was still here, and he was real.
She offered him a smile a bit pretended just so she could calm him down and let her hand careless his hair once more while looking at him never breaking the eye contact to assure him that this was alright, 'Good morning.'
Five's eyes moved over her face with intense focus taking in every inch of her.
She wondered what he was looking for before he asked, 'Is-is this…real?'
'Yes,' she said softly and offered him a more honest small smile.
He didn't return it but some of the horrors shifted into something less urgent and horrified, 'It's not a dream?'
She shook her head and watched as he leaned down again for a moment feeling her cheeks warm up as now he purposely brushed against her chest before he quickly shook his head and abruptly sat up.
She saw the look of newfound shock cross his face. Instant fear which she mistook as another episode.
Her hands reached for his face running her fingers over his cheeks and beard carefully stroking him just like she did in the night to make him feel her love and care, 'Hey, it's okay. I'm here. You're back.'
Five blinked the scared look crushing Vanya's heart all over again, 'Did I hurt you?' The desperation in his voice and dread almost touchable and Vanya wanted to snatch it and toss it away, to clear him from it all.
He shook his head again probably coming back to himself and what happened last night and tried to get away from her as if he really believed he hurt her and could do so again.
'Why were you on the ground and…,' he stopped talking his breathing increasing all over again.
'You didn't do anything,' she said calmly seeking his eyes, but he purposely chose to look at her right shoulder, so she tried to explain, 'I-I didn't want you to sleep alone on the floor when it was so cold and that's all.'
He continued to shake his head, 'Don't lie to me. Don't try to protect me.'
'I'm not,' she told him and pushed his face to make them at eye level so he would have to look at her, even if he ever so stubbornly refused to.
'Damn it, Five, look at me,' she ordered him a bit more heated than either of them were used to from her, and the mere shock caused Five's eye to blink to hers, 'You didn't do anything. You must have woke up in the night looking for me to make sure I was still here, maybe to make sure you were still here.'
She stroked his cheeks with her thumbs, 'You didn't hurt me, Five. You could never hurt me-'
'You don't know what-'
'I know you,' she said firmly, 'Years apart or not, I do know you, Five,' she sighed for a moment to continue her voice a bit lower again, 'So I know. If…if you can't trust yourself, trust me. You can trust me. Always,' she said and watched his eyes searching for some indication that her words made an impact on his psyche. It felt like forever but finally, she saw some of the pain, fear, and shock fade away as he was coming to acceptance.
'Please, don't leave me again,' she said voicing what she feared the most about his episodes and post-episodes guilt.
Five shook his head putting his hands over hers on his face, 'Never. Not ever. Vanya if I'm leaving it's only with your hand in mine. Just like it was supposed to be…Like I promised. Like I should have…Vanya, I'm…I shouldn't have left you.'
She nodded and leaned closer to him pressing her forehead against his, 'What's done it's done. We can't change that. I'm just glad you're back. I….gosh, I missed you so damn much.'
His hands let hers go only to wrap around her shoulder and back pushing her closer to him until she was basically sitting on top of his legs the blanket lost somewhere on the floor, 'Me too. Jesus, Vanya, you can't-you can't imagine.'
They stayed like that again for god knew how long. It always seemed to fall back here to them hugging one another to feel each other's presence and closeness to know they were back together, alive, and safe. To know they were with each other and wouldn't be taken apart again. It was almost magnetic how they needed to keep close to each other, and Vanya never wanted it to fade, she wouldn't allow it to.
Maybe days, weeks, months, years, and ages passed before they finally let the other out of their embrace of love, care, and devotion still craving, still desperate for each other's closeness.
'Breakfast?' suggested Vanya letting her hand run over his shoulder, and he nodded his beard scratching the side of her head not in a completely uncomfortable way.
They worked on breakfast together mostly in silence. It wasn't necessary due to what happened tonight. Growing up they were inseparable at times, and it was easy to fall into comfortable habits doing their own things like reading, playing the violin, or working on equations. Sometimes they were joined by Ben since he also understood the beauty of being able to stay in someone's presence without the need to be loud. Ironically, Vanya never enjoyed loud sounds or noises.
'It does make sense that you hate it, Vanya,' said thirteen years old Five with distaste as he covered his ears to tune out the horrible racket that was Diego's music choice when he was in his heavy metal phase, 'This is not really music, and you're a musician.' Usually, he would break them all out of their misery by hiding Diego's CDs.
She tried to give him space so he wouldn't notice she was still worried about him and what was going on, inside his head. But only really showed it when she paused what she was doing as he tried to make coffee.
'Relax,' he said without looking at her, his brows twisted and eyes narrowed. He was clearly annoyed with her trying to babe him about it so she knew she made a good call by trying to pretend before she wasn't.
He managed to make them both two cups without much trouble that allowed her to roll her eyes and comment jokily, 'Of course, you wouldn't forget how to make coffee.'
His annoyance melted away upon hearing that and he shot her a famous smirk, 'Never.'
They sat down and ate in the most bizarrely comfortable and domestic way, Vanya could imagine they would after over a decade apart. Everything felt almost normal inside her apartment, and if Vanya was less sure about her state of mind, she would almost wonder if she hadn't gotten mad and hallucinated all of this.
Gosh, I hope not.
He finished first but waited for her sipping his second cup.
It was nice until Vanya noticed his right hand. It was moving in very slow but quick strokes in the air. It took her a moment, but she realized he was writing something without an actual pen and paper.
Puzzled she glanced at his face, but he seemed to be occupied by looking out of her window with a fire escape lost in thoughts.
'It's a nice day,' she said suddenly and noticed how instantly his hand stopped moving as he turned to her with a calm look on his face.
'W-would you like to go for a walk later?' she asked softly catching the brief hesitation before it was pushed away to a more neutral look, 'Maybe later.'
So no.
She glanced at his hand again wondering what it was all about. Five had some quirky habits like any mad genius she supposed, but this was new even for her. It made her wonder if he was subconsciously calculating his equations. The moves looked similar enough at least.
Hopefully, it didn't mean he would be leaving soon, not after he promised her, he would only leave with her.
After breakfast, they ended up by her laptop again in a lazy Sunday kind of way that only added to the simple and domestic feeling of it all. This was new to her. She never had any of her boyfriends if they could even be called that over just to watch TV shows or spent time. She knew she was a very anxious and shy person by nature. The thought of having to sit around with people she didn't know so well and spent time with them made her feel dread inside her stomach about how she would act and if it wouldn't all be awkward and uncomfortable. With Five such thoughts didn't even enter her mind. It seemed they instantly found their footing around one another and could function together well without such awkwardness. It made her feel so good and at peace about everything. She really wouldn't mind if all of her vacations were like this, just the two of them inside with each other's company.
'If you're bored we could do something else,' she said with a small smile when he leaned his head over his arm with his eyes close. If it was anyone else she would be freaked out about the idea of them being bored, but with Five she felt more relaxed and opened to be herself and not care about such appearances.
'That's not it,' he said and the softness smile pulled the corner of his lips before his green eyes opened and looked over at her with more joy than she had seen in the last two days.
'What?' she asked almost amazed he could look so relaxed and soft if he wasn't sleeping.
He didn't answer which compelled her to lean closer to him, 'What? Five, tell me.'
His smile manifested into a mischief grin. He wanted to tease her now. She was sure of it.
'I think I will keep it to myself for now,' he said only adding flame to her curiosity.
Oh, she did not miss that at all.
She rolled her eyes and with all the pleasure she could muster said, 'Brat.'
He chuckled with amusement behind his green eyes. He loved to press her buttons at times when they were growing up. She always forgot about that. It was so long since someone tried to be this at ease with her to joke and goof around, 'That's the best you can do?'
'Spoiled brat,' she tried to add some authority into it remembering that one time they took turns in pretending to be each of their family members only for both of them to start laughing whatever they were watching forgotten.
'I don't think I will ever recover from hearing you say that,' he said as he rose his head shaking it a bit at her but the smirk still decorating his face, 'My image of you is absolutely ruined, dear Vanya.'
'See what you pushed me to do?' she raised her feet on the couch with her own smile so wide it almost hurt. It had been ages since she laughed properly. It felt so damn good and warm after laughing out like that, she dared to think it was better than sex.
'And I was such a nice girl before,' she saw something shift through his eyes before it was gone, and he snorted, 'Right. Especially when you agreed to help Klaus prank me. Real nice girl you were.'
'It was one time. Get over yourself,' she said and looked to the front of them at the forgotten show before she returned to look back at him noting that he had his eyes on her the entire time.
His eyes spoke volume his words didn't, but Vanya could tell some of the amusement and teasing melted into something else more delicate that caused her heart to skip a beat with the way how intensely focused his gaze appeared on her. It was as if she was the only person in the world at the moment. The only person in Five's world at least and that carried great weight and pressure in its own way, not all of it bad, but not all of it something Vanya could take lightly or handle after only such a short time, 'It's exactly the way I pictured it.'
Her voice felt stranded as she spoke, worried she would break the beautifully tender moment between them, 'What is?'
'This,' he said and his breath tickled her face a bit. Did he move closer or did she? She felt warmth crept into her face. She had no doubt the red blush found a home there once again.
She wet her lips for a moment but kept her eyes on his her heat threatening to burst out of her chest. She wanted to ask more. She wanted to ask what this was, but as always Five beat her to it. Always wanting to be better, first, and on top of things, he considered worth it.
'Coming back here, back to you,' he said with such vulnerability as if he was he admitting to the most humiliating secret.
'Five…,' her breath must have disappeared between his slightly parted lips, 'where did you go?'
She regretted the moment she let it out seeing the look of devastation crossed his face, so painful it caused her heart to stop and shatter just like every other time she saw him like this. This weak, this broken, this so not the Five she knew.
Just like that the moment was disturbed and ruined.
She put her hand against his face before he had the time to lean away, no doubt planning to in order to save his dignity and gather some strength to define her, 'Five, please. Talking about it helps.'
He grabbed her wrist and pulled her hand away causing Vanya to feel cold all of a sudden even if they were still touching, 'Right. Just like it helps you?'
She blinked pulling her hand back. She recognized him becoming defensive. She knew he could lash out and would if she didn't stop. She hoped she would have enough strength to survive it though.
'It does help, Five,' she started carefully, 'Especially when whatever it is that happened to you is causing you to act like this.'
'Like what?! Tell me, Vanya. Like what?' he snapped his gaze cold like ice threatening to turn her into a popsicle if she didn't stop, 'I'm worried. I just want you to be better.'
His lips turned into a twisted grimace, 'And what about you? Huh?! Are you talking out what you have been keeping inside?'
She swallowed shaking her head her voice broke a bit, 'I don't-'
The corner of his lips fell causing his face to look even angrier than before with the way he was frowning at her, 'You think I wouldn't notice? You think I don't know you? I spent almost a decade and a half trying thinking about you and remembering you. No one thought about you more than me,' Despite the argument and the upset voice, Five's words sparked something inside her she tried to push away for later constantly stopping her mind from trying to analyze what he said, 'no one knows you more than me. So if you're going around pointing fingers for not sharing baggage how about you start with yourself?' he asked his voice trembling with fire he wasn't even pretending to hide anymore.
However, with how cold his eyes were all Vanya could allow herself to feel were chilling shivers, 'I'm not the one hurting, Five.'
'Don't try to bullshit me. You have no food in your whole apartment, no one seems to bat an eye over you taking a two-week vacation, you haven't touched your violin once, over the whole time that I'm here you didn't call or get a call from anyone, and you still run to your bottle of pills like they're your miracle salvation,' just as he finished his harsh truths the anger and icy look of his eyes melted away as he realized just how cruel he must have been toward her now, 'I just…don't act like you're not hurting too.'
Vanya was left speechless. She wasn't sure if Five only said it because she pushed him too hard or because he noticed all those things and cared about her wellbeing too, but she found her mouth shut tight closed not able to speak after that.
Five looked away and took in a deep breath.
Suddenly she wasn't sure how to sit properly on the couch all too aware of herself and how Five saw right through most of her lies.
She stood up and his eyes suddenly snapped back at her causing her to stir as if she was expecting him to reveal another unpleasant to heart truth about her.
'Please, don't-,' his voice broke at the end and whatever he wanted to say was lost.
She blinked while her lips parted and pressed together again whatever she wanted to say a mystery to her as well.
The Adam apple inside his throat moved as he tried to talk, 'I…I didn't want to upset you. I-please don't leave.'
She nodded mechanically, 'I'm not. I'm just going to the bathroom.'
'Vanya-'
'I'm not leaving. I just…'
'Please… I'm sorry,' he said, and she felt a stab knowing Five who ran away from home, so sure of himself and his actions would never apologize. Another thing that must have changed about him wherever he went and whatever he had been through. It caused some of his pride to shatter and the confidence although there was damaged not quite at the height it used to be growing up where Five looked like he thought he was better than anyone at everything he considered worth it.
'I know,' she started carefully thinking over her words so she wouldn't cause another argument and soften his worries, 'I'm not perfect. Far from it. Maybe it would be better for you if could talk or not talk to someone else.'
The panic look behind his eyes forced her to hurry up her speech, 'But nevertheless, I love you, Five,' his eyes widened for a brief moment, and she tried to convince herself it was perfectly normal for them to use such words before she continued, 'and I will always try to help you.'
She smiled a bit to herself seeing how his face lost some of the terrifying fear it carried before upon her words.
Her fingers reached out and brushed some of his bangs away from his forehead, 'I survived your crazy junkie I know how to teleport phase and your mad genius protégé phase even your gone for twelve years phase.'
She looked into his eyes with more confidence than she really felt but hoped it would be enough of an assurance for him, 'I doubt there is anything you can do to or say that would make me want to leave you, Five.'
It felt like forever before Five offered her a slow nod, 'Thank you, Vanya. I'm sorry.'
'It's fine-'
'It's not. You're the one person I should have never said those things,' he said and the honesty of his words and the look behind his eyes caused her to feel tight warmth inside her chest spreading to the rest of her body. It was both pleasant and worrisome especially given everything else that was going on and how it made her feel.
'They're true.'
'They're cruel. I never…I never want to be cruel with you, I'm sorry, Vanya,' he said and took her hand planting a soft kiss to her skin as an apology only adding to the chaos inside her with shivers running over her spine now on the outside as well.
He then shot her a bitter smirk, 'See. I guess you were wrong about me never hurting you.'
She shook her head instantly, 'Five-'
He let go of her hand and nodded toward her room, 'You wanted to go-'
'You know very well we were talking about physical violence, you ass,' she said annoyed with him at the moment for always trying to turn everything against him. Painting him out to be worse than he was even if he hurt her now, she would never hold it against him. She pushed him too, and she knew it was all a defense mechanism. It honestly annoyed her, he tried to take more blame than she was willing to give him.
'Vanya, such vulgar language from such a nice girl,' he said with dry humor even if it was clear it wasn't the same joking they engaged in a moment ago.
Sighing, Vanya started to walk toward the bathroom hoping a bit distance would help them find some closure in all of this. She knew they weren't done. She knew she would bring the topic again and again until Five finally gave in and talk about it. He needed it. She needed him to talk. Whatever he was going through wouldn't go away if he didn't open up. Not to mention satisfy her need to comfort and help him.
A.N:Hey, sorry it took so long to update but life and other stories got in the way. I will try to update more frequently, but no promises. I hope everyone is safe and alright. Have a nice day
