Why?

Spoiler: Formalities, Grave Danger,Way to go

Disclaimer: CSI isn´t mine but Andrew Zuckermann. Everything else is mine.

Characters: Grissom centric, small Cath/Grissom

Summary: Grissom think about women and decisions in his life.

Why? Why I am scared of her? I´m also scared of my loneliness, epecially after Nick was kidnapped. I wish someone in my life. I need a woman as Cathrine said me some time ago. Yeah, I need a woman but I won´t any woman than her. She´s everything what I would love to have in my life but.. There is one big but. I haven´t any courage to said her it. I never will have. I am scared of rejection.

Why will someone as her have a persone as me in her life? So I made a desicion. I went to over her. I could have her as my friend,not so close as before but as a friend always. Desione which was a mistake. I thought that there isn´t any chance with her. So I went to Sara.

Why? Why? Why? Am I so stupid or what? When I look abck in time I saw Terri, Sophia and Lady Heather as mistakes too. I went to theirs arms cause they were beside woman I always loved, love and will love. They were my second chance, my ticket to happiness. I never availed these chances. Now,I screwed up everything what has some sense in my damn life.

However, my last decision was the biggest mistake of my life. Sara, the name of my error, cost me all. Rest of my friendship with Cathrine, my friendship with Nick and Warrick. All people about me feel that I am doing error. When the lab found out that Sara and I are an item, it was storm full of emotions. Some people picked their thumb up but the rest of them gave me faces where I could and can read that it´s so distgusting.

The worst thing was my argument with Cath. She came to my office and said only two words. Why,GIl? I said her that I need someone in my life and Sara can me give love which I need and want. I lied to her.

She had saddness write in her face. She had her eyes withou life after my vicious words. She sat in her usually place in front my table. She was several minutes in shock. After this time she stand up and went from my office without word. I thought that she will just so walk away from me but suddenly she stopped in the door and little turned. The sentence she said will be sound in my mind to the end of my life.

"Why I couldn´t give you my love, Gil? Why I am not in her place, Gil? Damn, Gil, why I must live you?"

And then she walked from my office, from building and maybe from my life too.

I know think why I was so scared though I knew in the bottom of my heart that she loved me.

Why? Why I was so stupid?