Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any characters discussed.

The Hogwarts Sorting Hat History Lesson Song

So you have come once again,

To hear my warning song.

To hear of sadness and of pain,

Of the autumn night and winter long.

I sit in Dumbledore's cabinet,

With no one but a toast rack for chat.

And a mouldy old croquet set,

They think I have no feelings, just 'cos I'm a hat.

You want to hear of the four Great Founders?

Well I'll tell you a story or two,

Of Christmas' long gone by,

That everyone forgets but I.

Great House of Gryffindor, the noble, the brave,

Was actually a drunk, a scallywag, a pain.

As he ran away from battles, at his enemies would wave,

Always on the Quidditch field, an injury he would fain.

Great House of Hufflepuff, the gentle, the sweet,

Was in fact a rebel, a gangster, a rioter.

Down a dark alley, her you would not want to meet,

The wrath of the Ministry she continued to incur.

Great House of Ravenclaw, the worker, the intelligent

Was actually a layabout, a slob, a loafer.

Down to the pub is where Ravenclaw went,

In the morning would be found asleep on the sofa.

Great House of Slytherin, the sly, the conniving,

Was actually a straight-player, a hero, a gentleman.

Around the castle and grounds he liked to sing,

And drinking in the castle, this he tried to ban.

And now we come to the real reason,

Why Hogwarts started to split.

The scenario that you've been told is a con,

The mystery around this image is starting to un-knit.

Gryffindor picked fights with the others, ones he couldn't win,

Hufflepuff got arrested and to Azkaban was sent.

While Ravenclaw sat in the castle and grew a double chin,

Only Slytherin was left and his patience was spent.

He left the castle and so the myth began,

Of three Noble Founders and Slytherin the bad guy,

Well now that the stuff's really hitting the fan,

Ask Dumbledore the truth; you'll know if he tells a lie.