Chapter 15- You Can Save Me
Girls were never a big spectacle for Honda. Even when he was younger, he never said they had "cooties" and he didn't think they were annoying. He didn't try to lift up their skirts or pull the heads off their dolls (even though Jou always wanted him to.) To be honest, Honda thought they were always great to talk to and were pleasant to look at.
Though, it didn't take him forever for him to realize he liked boys just a little bit more. Sure, he dated Miho and couple other girls in his time, but boys like Ryou and, of course, Kaiba, were what really drove Honda wild.
He wasn't officially "out". Not a lot of people knew either. He could only think of three off the top of his head. Not even Jou, his secret teller, knew and that scared him the most.
"As if it isn't obvious." Otogi said when Honda had tried to talk to him about it. It was about a month after his first night's stay.
Honda just stared into his coffee mug. The honey was creating a swirl pattern to his tea. He took a look at his baggy jeans and his loose white shirt. What part of his attire screamed gay? He was sitting like a normal guy would with his legs apart and his elbows on the counter. There wasn't anything homo about that. Did someone secretly tattoo "gay" on his forehead? He would have noticed. Though, without the mirrors in the house anymore, Otogi could have easily put it on him while he slept and he would never know the wiser. He watched Otogi swing his hips in his leather pants to the music coming from the radio. His long hair was pulled back into his usual ponytail. Now he was an obvious boy-lover.
Otogi moved to the music and caught the look of confusion on Honda's face. He sighed and retired from his dancing, "Look, it may not seem right to you, but trust me, you'll get used to it." he passed Honda a muffin, "Eat your breakfast."
"You're so demanding." Honda snapped, but stuck out his tongue as a sign of teasing, "I'm not worried about me being gay. It's how Yugi will react and Anzu. Malik, Mokuba, Isis, and Mai-"
"Slow down. You don't have to tell everyone in a rush, Honda." the dice master pointed out as he ruffled the other boy's hair, "Take it in strides and you'll eventually trip." he smiled, "Baby steps."
The odd comfort in Otogi's words made Honda take a nibble out of the muffin in his hands. It was bitter to his mind but he could vaguely remember the fluffy texture. He couldn't mentally remember what a muffin tasted like. He had to reteach himself everything about food again; relearn what he had forgotten. It was going to be so hard, but he was more than relieved to have Otogi with him.
"You feel like doing anything today?" Otogi asked with a casual tone.
Honda shook his head, "Not really." he bit his lip, "I should call work."
"You're still not going back?" Otogi asked, quirking an eyebrow, "You're going to get fired."
"I know." Honda picked the crumbs off of the napkin he was eating off of and placed them onto his tongue. It was common sense to quit working for Seto. Though, in spite of how he felt towards his boss and adoration, he couldn't give up. He couldn't show someone who was so strong see the weakness in Honda.
A quiet but cocky laughter came out of Honda as added, "I wouldn't give Kaiba the satisfaction."
x-x-x
The next couple of days were slow. Honda slumped around the house. He cherished the time he was with Otogi and missed him when he was away at work. At night, Honda wouldn't dream. He'd only see black. The mental exhaustion he'd been fighting had finally caught up with him and he's sleep from eight at night until noon almost everyday.
Otogi had also bought a ton of snacks to satisfy Honda's hunger. Honda's stomach had finally returned to normal and he was gaining back his weight little by little.
He rarely thought of Seto and he never called Jou. At school, he'd pretend to be busy with work and would never fake sleep in class just to catch a look at him. He avoided Seto and never attempted to speak with him about anything; not even the weather.
Finally, the day Honda had to return to work, just in time for the Valentine's Day mail to be floating around; Otogi sat on his bed and asked, "What are you going to do?"
"What I've always done." he replied while fixing his tie, "Pretend nothing ever happened."
Otogi sighed, "You should be a freakin' actor when you get older, Man." he fell back and bounced a little on the mattress.
Honda laughed and leaned over Otogi, "Can you help me with my history homework when I get home?" he kissed Otogi's forehead.
The other boy rolled his eyes, "Hell, with the way my night's going, I'll probably just do it for you."
"That'd be awesome." Honda grinned and grabbed his jacket, "I'll bring home dinner."
"Don't forget."
Honda grabbed his keys and his helmet and headed outside. It was really warm for February. He was worried about the snow melting. For the longest time, he had hated snow, but lately, he smiled whenever he saw it. It reminded him that things aren't so different anymore. Light and day still existed and snow still fell. The world was living without him and even though this thought comforted him, it still frightened him to realize that he wasn't really that important on the planet.
Hotaru was happy to see him when he came up the giant elevator to the top floor. She looked horribly unprofessional as she lost her composure and waved. Realizing her mistake, she squeaked and buried her head in her folder of work. Honda tried not to laugh. This woman was something else.
"G-Good morning, Mister Honda." she said, pushing her glasses up her nose, "It's nice to have you back."
"Thank you, Ms. Hotaru." he nodded and added a cheeky wink to charm her. It never hurt to play his charade if it didn't get too serious. After all, that's how he's lived his entire life.
A cool sweat layered over Honda's skin. He approached the double doors that led to the room he used to adore. He wiped his palms against the upper thigh of his pants and took a deep breath. Nothing could scare him right now. Everything will be fine. He kept repeating that to himself in his head as he went to open the door.
The door swung open and to his surprise, there was no light in the room. The blinds touched the floor, shielding any ray of daylight from coming in. The only light Honda could see was the blue glow coming from Seto's computer. The billionaire himself had his arms cushioning his head on his desk; the boy was fast asleep.
Honda didn't know what to do. As adorable as it was to see the sleeping CEO, he knew that Seto didn't want to wake up knowing he had wasted valuable time. Honda walked around and stood behind the giant leather chair. He frowned, How long has he been like this? He gently reached over and ran a hesitant hand on Seto's back. He knew he shouldn't, but he couldn't stop himself from touching the God that was Seto Kaiba. He feared nothing and risked everything by putting his other hand on Seto's shoulder and began to massage the tense muscles that were beneath his fingers.
Honda's head felt light. He was in his own heaven. He didn't care if Seto woke up and scolded him or if Jou walked in and saw the comfortable position of his lover and best friend. He certainly didn't try to control himself. He felt his hormones taking over his body and began to massage the back of Seto's neck, taking a pleasure in knowing how soft Seto's skin really was and laughed softly as he felt the stray hairs under his thumbs.
Seto hadn't moved from Honda's ministrations. Assuming he was still sleeping, Honda stopped his touches and sighed. Maybe this was his chance. He could very well confess right now. If he couldn't do it to Seto's face while he was awake, he could easily do it as the boy slept. Honda sighed and sat on the free space on Seto's desk. He interlaced his fingers and rested his elbows on his knees. Taking another deep sigh, he said softly, "Hey, Kaiba. Or should I still be calling you 'Mister'?" he laughed a little, "I uh... I have a problem and I'll just come out and say it has a great deal to do with you.
"I've missed 34 days of work here at KaibaCorp." Honda continued to say, "I'm sure you remember the day I ran out so I'm positive you know that the excuses I've been telling the mail room aren't true. I'm not deathly ill, but I am sick." he swallowed hard, "I'm sick with love, Kaiba." he choked it out, "I'm in love with you.
"I- I know that it's probably horribly obvious and that I'm the biggest idiot in the world and there's no way you'd ever be with me and all of these things, but I just wanted you to know that I've thought of nothing but you for the longest time. You make me ache with desire and it burns...because you're with Jou." he paused to breathe. This was all coming out so quickly, "My best friend since I don't even remember...Jounouchi Katsuya." he laughed bitterly, "Of all the people for you to love, Kaiba. Did you have to love him? Why couldn't it be someone else? Why are you making me hate my best friend? Why couldn't you just like girls?" his grip around his own fingers began to tighten. He was becoming angry and all of his blame, his hurt, was aimed right at the boy that had yet to shift from his sleep.
"I can see why you don't love me. I'm so weak." Honda said as he looked down at the floor. "I'm not even talented at anything. Hell, I don't think I've ever won anything in my entire life. I don't do well in sports, I can't get amazing grades, I'm the worst duelist on the planet, and I could never run my own company."
His voice got soft, "I hate myself. I despise the fact that your love has caused me to make myself even worse than I was. I lost roughly 30-something pounds while this has been happening. Aren't I gross? I've only managed to gain back 10 or so. I've been hiding it so well. Nobody's really noticed. Nobody ever notices me and until a little while ago, I was okay with that. It didn't matter as long as you kept smiling at me like you do sometimes. You're so sickeningly polite to me, but I can tell that you really mean it when you smile."
"There's something about you, Kaiba. Something I can't explain. You're just so beautiful and so smart and..." Honda swallowed hard, "and when I see you hold Jou the way you do, I get so jealous. I want to run up and pull him away. It's not fair. It's horribly unfair that you make me feel that way. Have you no shame? Don't you feel the least bit sorry?" Honda took a couple deep breaths. He felt his nose burning from the tears that were gathering in the corner of his eyes, but he didn't let them spill. He didn't want to cry just in case Seto saw. He composed himself and sniffled.
"I don't know how long it's been." He kept saying, "I don't remember exactly when I fell in love with you. Though, I do know that I don't regret it. I may have become physically sick and I know I could never have the same friendship with Jou that I once had, but I will never take back how I feel about you." he slid off of Seto's desk and stared at the executive with want burning from deep his soul, "You're probably dreaming about him right now. You're probably thinking about making love to him right at this second..." he sighed, "...and yet I stand here telling you about how strong you make me."
He didn't have anything more to say. Just about everything on his mind was just pulled away and he sighed with a bit of a smile. He had done it and he was over it. He ran his fingers through Kaiba's hair one last time and said, "I'll see you around, Kaiba. If you need anything, I'll be in the mailroom." and he left, shutting the door softly behind him.
x-x-x
That night, little was said at Otogi's house. The two greeted each other when they saw each other and ate dinner with Otogi ranting about work. Honda had done the dishes, taken a shower, and crawled into his bed. As he stared at the ceiling, he couldn't think about anything. He knew that if he started to, he would make himself sick remembering what he had done in Kaiba's office. Though, as his mind began to shut down, he recalled what he had said and felt a hollow feeling in his stomach.
He got out from under the covers and tiptoed down the corridor. There, he pushed open the door to Otogi's room and crept in. Otogi was fast asleep, sprawled out in his king sized bed. Honda's knees touched the edge of the bed as he whispered, "Otogi? I'm going to sleep in your bed tonight, okay?" he slipped into the blankets and slept fairly close to his friend, "...and if you molest me," Honda said softer, "I'll hit you again."
x-x-x
Sorry it took so long. I didn't mean to. I got a boyfriend and drowned in teenage love for a while, but it's over and I'm back, so expect another update soon, okay? Thanks for any comments. I really appreciate them!
-Rain
