Disclaimer: I have no rights. J.K. Rowling owns me. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

Chapter the Third: Meeting of the Counterparts

Now with more angst!


Harry sat in a dark corner brooding, and practicing his "angst" face. He had gotten quite good at it since it was the only expression he ever made.

The rest were standing in the hall nearby, discussing the recent packs of Mary Sue's making their way to Hogwarts.

Neville shook his head, "There's thousands, no, hundreds of thousand of them, and they all come armed with improbable plots and OOC's!"

Ron (who appears suddenly even though he was excluded from the last chapter) said "Have you seen their bad grammar? Say it with me people, commas are your friends."

Draco seemed the most outraged of them all, "Do you know how many people write slash? And all of them suggest that I am madly in love with Potter and that my father beats me."

Hermione interjected, "Yeah that's pretty stupid, we all know that Draco doesn't like Harry and that his father doesn't beat him………"

"Yeah!", Draco agreed.

"….He likes Oliver Wood and Dobby is the one who beats on him", Hermione finished.

"Yeah...oh wait…I mean…….NO!" Draco said, stamping his foot.

"We must rid Hogwarts of these Mary Sues", Neville decided.

"Indeed" agreed Ron, "Are you done practicing your angst face yet Harry?"

Harry gave one more supermodel pout and then jumped up. "I shall slay all Mary Sues, in the name of grammar!"

"YEA!" they all shouted.

"Wait, do you mean Kelsey Grammar?" asked Ron.

"Of course not, Kelsey Grammar shall be left out of this parody for fear of the author getting sued by an aging man who has hasn't been able to get any acting roles since Frasier went off the air."

"Oh", said Ron.

And they merrily made their way down the hall.


The walls of Hogwarts were now trembling with the pressure of hundreds of thousands of Mary Sues pressing into the castle; trying anyway they could to get in.

This morning a group had created a human ladder. As a naïve 13 year old got to the top she let out a fan-girl squeal when she saw Harry awaiting her at the top.

"Like, OMG! I like, love you even though you're not real! Marry me Harry! I want to bare your children! Me love you long time!"

Harry twitched. "That's nice." He said. And then he killed her.

After that the Mary Sues gave up their human ladder idea, but they were still outside, persistently trying to find a way to get in.

The gang stood atop a balcony, listening to the bad English of the Mary Sues.

"Wow, I guess they really do speak like they write", said Draco.

"There's only one solution here; they say they won't leave until they get us, and so, we will give them us", said Neville.

"Are you crazy? They'd kill us before you could say supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!" stated Ron.

At the mention of such a big word Hermione's head exploded.

The remnants of her brain fluid trickled down to the hoard of screaming fan girls who tried to catch it on their tongues as if it were a Hermione flavored-snowflake.

"You forget amid all the whooring in the sixth book that we actually have powers", said Neville.

He took out his 13 inch wand (heh, I just had to add that in somewhere) and called out a spell, "Appearus Actorus!"

At that moment Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, Emma Watson, Tom Felton, Matthew Lewis, Alan Rickman, and the Phelps twins magically appear out of nowhere.

"What the deuce?" yelled out a terrified Rupert Grint.

Draco explained to them the situation, "The fan girls demand a blood sacrifice, but our blood is too precious to this parody, and so we must offer yours. It may seem unfair to all of you that you must die but think of it this way, you died for the greater good, riding us of Mary Sues. Also, now you can no longer be exploited by J.K. Rowling!"

And with that they threw Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, Emma Watson, Alan Rickman, and the Phelp twins over the edge of the balcony.

(The author sneaks in unnoticed and steals Matthew Lewis for herself, and Tom Felton for her friend, Mari.)

The group can't stand to watch the horrible death of the actors…. except for Harry,because hes asadistic bitch.

As the fan girls tear them to shreds, their pitiful cries can be heard.

"Please don't do this!" yelled Alan Rickman as he was groped by horny fan girls. "I'm old enough to be your father!" And then, he was gone.

"I didn't want to die a virgin!" yelled out Emma Watson as she was beaten to death by overzealous Ron lovers who could not comprehend that she was only an actress portraying a character.

The rest of the actors were snogged to death.

As the fan girls were momentarily distracted with murdering innocent actors, the group seized their opportunity and all extended their wands towards the throbbing mob.

"AVADA KEDAVRA!"

The ground was now a sea of dead Mary Sues.

The group sent out Hagrid to "dispose" of the corpses (heh, see chapter two for Hagrid's method of "disposing").

At that moment Hermione's body came back to life.

"Hey, I thought you were dead."

"Nah, the author needs me to be the town whore in the next chapter."

'Makes sense."

"Get me my pudding biatch!" yelled Harry at Hermione.

"I'm not your biatch!"

"I said get me pudding!" said Harry as he whacked Hermione with his pimp stick.

And with that, Hermione scampered off to get pudding for Mr.Angst.


I love a heart-warming ending, don't you?

TO BE CONTINUED IN CHAPTER 4-

Unless I get flames from angry Mary Sues, in which case, I'll still continue it in chapter 4.