Disclaimer: I have no rights. J.K. Rowling owns me. Yadda, yadda, yadda.
I have no affiliation with anyone. Nothing is copyrighted. What did you expect? A leather-bound copy? Come on now, no one here is an actual writer. They are just sad, sad people, who wish they were. And that includes me.
Chapter the Fourth: The Hunt is On!
Now with more angst!
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Dumbledore sat reclining on his leather armchair, petting Marcus Flint who was purring contentedly in his lap. He was disturbed from his moment of ecstasy by a harried Draco and Ron.
"Hogwarts has been infiltrated!"
Ron let out a high-pitched screech to emphasize Draco's exclamation.
"What do you mean? Has Snape invited the Chippendale dancers for anther weekend of whipped cream and lube?" Dumbledore's eyes lit up at the thought.
"No, a Mary Sue has made her way into the castle!"
Again, Ron shrieked.
"Get Longbottom on this immediately!"
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Neville has gathered everyone together to update them on the current Mary Sue status. Harry, however, seemed quite perplexed over the situation.
"Why don't we just kill her?"
"She has the uncanny ability to change her eye and hair color at will!"
"She is truly the spawn of Satan."
Hermione pondered the situation, "So we can't be sure who is a real student and who is the Mary Sue, it could be anyone!"
Harry's eyes widened in realization, "It could even be me!"
Harry began brutally punching himself, attempting to extract from him the possible Mary Sue within his soul.
Hermione grabbed his hands, "I don't think it's you Harry!"
As Hermione calmed down Harry, Neville stood and spoke to the rest, "We shall reconvene in the hour, and be prepared……..TO KILL!"
Everyone met at the bottom of the staircase an hour later, each holding their wands and wearing war paint.
"Well, it seems we're ready", Draco stated.
"Ron looked around, "Where's Harry?"
At that moment Harry came flailing down the staircase, wearing leather pants and a blonde wig.
awkward silence
Harry stomped his foot, "I'm Huffy the Mary-Sue Slayer!"
"Oh."
'Right."
"Of Course."
"I knew that."
Dumbledore appeared next to Harry, dressed as usual, with the exception of staff in his hand in place of a wand.
"Who are you supposed to be?"
Dumbledore chuckled, "Isn't it obvious?"
silence
"I'm Gandalf, yo!"
Everyone ignored Gandalf's…err, Dumbledore's unnecessary statement and went their separate ways. According to Neville's orders, they were to Avada Kedavara the unholy Mary-Sue on site.
Hermione made her way down the great hall, eyeing everyone warily. How was she supposed to discern who was a normal student and who was the Mary-Sue? Hermione slumped against one of the table in the great hall in defeat.
As she did so, a young girl with strawberry-blonde tresses with black tips and red and blue streaks sidled up next to Hermione. The girl's eyes were hazel-green with a speck of blue in them and they seemed almost gray when she was sad.
"What a freak of nature", Hermione thought to herself as she looked up at the girl.
"Wait! You must be the Mary-Sue!" Hermione jumped to her feet, drawing her wand, but the Mary-Sue already had her wand to Hermione's face.
"Marysueis Fanficus."
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Hermione's screams could be heard throughout Hogwarts.
All of those who were hunting the Mary Sue stopped what they were doing and ran in the direction of the screams.
As the group approached Hermione she curled up in a ball, obviously not wanting the rest to see her.
Draco frowned slightly, "What's wrong?"
Hermione whimpered, "The Mary Sue is giving us…" she paused for a moment and then finished her sentence in a frantic screech, "Fanfic makeovers!"
Hermione stood up, revealing a new outfit consisting of converse sneakers and a low-cut shirt revealing too much cleavage. In her left hand was a rusty razor.
"You've got to help me", Hermione pleaded, "I have a huge urge to cut myself and cry over non-important things while listening to a Death Cab for Cutie c.d."
Ron's eyes widened. "Wow Hermione, you've really filled out in all the right places."
Fred and George exchanged a look.
"Never mind that", Neville exclaimed, his wand at the ready. "The Mary Sue has turned Hermione into an angsty, emo teen whoor."
Harry took out his shotgun.
"Let's go Mary Sue hunting!"
Neville shook his head. "We will lure her to us; there is one thing which no Mary Sue can resist."
"WHAT?" everyone exclaimed.
"Reviews."
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Marcus Flint stood in the middle of the great hall, whimpering in his pink wig. 'why do I have to be the bait?"
"Because you have snaggle-teeth and everyone in the fandom hates you." Dumbledore called out.
Marcus Flint sniffled a little, and then began to yell loudly, "Has anyone read this new fanfic? It's like so totally awesome! I looove how Hermione has filled out in all the right places and Draco wears leather pants! I can't wait for the next chapter! Update soon, dear author, update soon!"
A loud crack could be heard as the Mary Sue apparated in front of Marcus. "Do you really like my fic that much?" She asked, her eyes sparkling a brilliant blue-green-hazel-violet-white.
"Now!".
The next few moments were a flurry of spells being cast at all directions towards the Mary-Sue. When all was said and done, the Mary Sue had been Avada Kedavra'd a total of 39 times.
As the Mary Sue's body was been "disposed" by a hungry Hagrid, the rest of the gang sat in Dumbledore's office, sharing a rather large bowl of sherbet lemons.
"Well, yet another job well-done!" said Dumbledore, feeding sherbet lemons to a content Marcus Flint.
The rest nodded and ate their sweets in silence, enjoying a Mary Sue-free evening.
"Uh, Harry?..."
"Yeah, Neville?"
"……You can take off that wig now."
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I love a heart-warming ending, don't you?
TO BE CONTINUED IN CHAPTER 5-
Once I stop procrastinating, that is.
