It was so strange to go home without the baby, but she was still too small and weak to leave the hospital yet. She is definately a Rizzoli-Isles baby as she is a fighter. She even surprised the doctors, whose original prognosis was really low for her. But 4 weeks on and she is still here. They've even been able to remove her out of the incubator now. And today's the day, we are finally allowed to hold our baby girl.
This particularly morning Angela was at the house. And to Jane's relief she was glad she was there for a change.
"Maura would you like a tea dear?" Angela calls out from the kitchen to her daughter in-law sat in an armchair, staring out of the window. No reply. Sighing she turns to face her daughter.
Jane can see the look of concern in her mothers face, "I know Ma, she's been like this since leaving the hospital. I told her that we're finally going to be able to hold our daughter today and she didn't show any interest". Turning her back on her mother so she can look out of the kitchen window, scared that she might show the sadness in her face. "I don't know what to do Ma!" she says letting out a sigh, trying to not let her voice break.
Stepping closer to her daughter, Angela gently places a hand on Janes back and starts to rub in circles, "It'll be ok hun" the older woman says feeling that her heart is breaking. Underneath her touch she feels her daughters shoulders slump, which saddens her even more. "Look at me" she says in a soothing voice.
Jane does as her mother asks and turns around and faces the older woman, scared to make eye contact in case she starts to cry.
"Oh Janni, look at me" pausing until she see those hazel eyes looking at her. "you've already been through so much together and you'll both get through this" Angela says before embracing her daughter in a quick hug. "Right, I'm ready to hold my granddaughter" She says with the biggest smile on her face. "I'll go and get the car ready" she says before disappearing out of the house.
"Thanks Ma" Jane shouts after her. Taking a big breath she makes her way over to her wife. Who is still sat in the armchair looking out of the window. Carefully and gently Jane places her hand on her wifes shoulder. "Hey Maura, you ready to go?". For a second there is no response, then Maura looks at her, slightly confused.
"Go where?" Maura says in a dazed voice.
Bending down and placing her hands on her wife's knees. "We're going to the hospital, we're going to see our baby girl" Jane says in her soothing raspy tone.
As if snapping out of a dream Maura now remembers, and is suddenly filled with dread. "Ok" is all she manages to say. Slowly getting up from the armchair, she feels Jane hold her arm to help her lift her up. Slowly and carefully with Jane on her arm, she uses the crutch and makes her way to the car. Feeling that she is a terrible person because she doesn't want to see her baby daughter.
The journey to the hospital was uneventful, apart from Maura not saying a word whilst sat in the back seat. Angela had tried to lighten the mood by talking about anything and everything. Jane was grateful for the distraction and that her mother had come along with them, as otherwise the drive would have been very uncomfortable.
Making there way to the NICU unit, Jane spots there friend Nurse Phoebe. Angela carries on towards the changing room, with Maura by her side.
"Hey Phoebe, hows my little girl doing?" Jane says with a smile.
Phoebe can see sadness in her friends eyes, but doesn't want to press her further about it. "I must say Jane, you're little girl is truly a fighter", she says with genuine warmth in her voice. "She just keeps surprising us, she's getting stronger and stronger each day".
"That's fantastic to hear, I can't wait to take her home with us" Jane says with excitement in her voice.
"So, when are you going to give her a name?" Phoebe says letting out a little laugh.
Instantly Jane's demeanor changes, and her thoughts go back to how her wife is dealing with all of this. "To be honest I don't know, I keep trying to discuss it with Maura, but she is either not interested or she just seems so far away in her own thoughts that she doesn't even respond to me". She says trying to swallow the lump that is forming in her throat.
Reaching over the counter Phoebe takes her friends hand in her own. "Now listen to me Jane, you haven't done anything wrong, so don't blame yourself for any of this" she says giving the hand a little squeeze. "Also Maura went through a major trauma, not only thinking that she was miscarrying, to having extensive surgery, to not giving birth, she could even be suffering with postnatal depression which is quite common for new mothers". Letting go of her friends hand she starts to type something into the computer. "Go and be with your family, when you're finished I'll give you some information, and contact details for an organisation that can help both you and Maura" she says looking up at her friend and giving her a warm smile.
Suddenly feeling like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders a sense of relief washes over Jane. Knowing that her friend understands what is happening, and that she isn't alone in this. "Thank you" is all she can manage to say, trying to hide the trembling in her voice.
Making her way to the changing room, she can see her mother is inside holding her daughter. She looks so tiny in the older woman's arms. Whilst getting changed into the scrubs provided by the hospital, and sterilising her hands. Once satisfied that Jane is 'Clean' to enter the NICU unit they let her enter the room. Once in the room Jane looks around for her wife but can't see her anywhere.
Walking towards her mother she asks her "Where's Maura?" Feeling somewhat puzzled that she's not there.
Taking a deep breathe in before answering her daughter. "She didn't want to hold her" Angela says with a hint of sadness in her voice. She can see that her daughter is torn in wanting to go and find her wife and holding her baby girl. Angela quickly speaks again "She's gone to get a coffee" taking a step forward she asks Jane, "Are you ready to hold your daughter?".
Putting her arms out ready to take this tiny little bundle in her arms. Gently her mother passes her daughter to her. She looks so small and tiny in her arms. Without even realising it she starts to sway from side to side. Jane can't describe how she is feeling in that moment. This is all she has wanted to do over the past weeks, is to hold and cuddle her child. Before long happy tears are streaming down her face. She feels a gentle arm wrap around her back. Her mother is by her side, placing one of her fingers in the tiny hand of the little girl in front of them.
Angela says in almost a whisper "She's beautiful Janie".
"She's an Angel Ma" Jane says softly back, not wanting to break the silence filling the room. No more words need to be said. Feeling the love radiating off her mother for this little person in her arms. She can't help thinking of her wife, and what she is going through. But in that moment, Jane knows that she isn't capable of helping Maura. That she can only be there for her. And once there finished here, she will get the help her wife desperately needs.
A few days have passed since the hospital visit. Jane has been worrying about to how to approach her wife with the information of the counselling service.
Once again Maura is sat in the chair by the window, in her own little world. Jane slowly and cautiously approaches her wife. Crouching down in front of her she gently places her hand on the blondes knee. Gently giving it a squeeze, "Hey baby, I need to talk to you about something".
Slowly the blonde turns to look at her wife. "What about?" In her voice are hints of annoyance at being disturbed.
Taking a deep breath and trying not to react to her wifes demeanor towards her. "I have some information here for you that I think you would benefit from" Jane says giving her wife a warm smile. After receiving no reaction from the blonde, she hands over the leaflets for her to take.
Taking the leaflets from her wife, looking at them she reads 'Solace for Mothers: Healing After Traumatic Births'. For some unknown reason she suddenly feels angry. And without warning she throws the leaflets back at Jane. "I'm fine" Maura says. "I don't need this".
That's it, Jane loses it with her. Grabbing the leaflets from the floor she stands up and heads towards the kitchen table. "Like Hell you don't" she shouts slamming them down onto the table. All the frustration that has been building over the weeks comes spilling out. "I can't keep doing this with you?" Jane says whilst throwing her hands up in the air.
Maura isn't fazed at all by any of this. "Doing what?" she asks coldly whilst staring at her.
Walking back into the living room so she is stood in front of the smaller woman. "This" Jane says pointing between the two of them. "Look, I get it, I don't understand what it must have been like for you to go through such a traumatic birth".
"No you're right, you don't" Maura shouts at Jane whilst jabbing a finger into her chest.
Grabbing her wife's hands in her own, "Then tell me, tell Ma, just tell somebody, please" Jane says almost pleading with her wife.
"What!" Maura says "Like you always do" ripping her hands out of Janes. "You always deal with your problems at the bottom of a bottle of JD" she says almost snarling at her.
Throwing her hands up in the air again as she heads out of the room. "God damn it Maura! This isn't about me" Jane says. Turning around to look at the blonde. "This is about our daughter knowing that her mother actually gives a fuck about her", getting no reaction from Maura she heads for the garage door, before walking through it Jane leans on it and places her head on the door letting out a big sigh. "I just want my wife back" she says almost as a whisper but loud enough for anyone to hear. She then walks into the garage closing the door behind her.
Maura knows she should feel something more than anger at what has just transpired but she doesn't. Turning to stare out of the front room window. She suddenly hears loud music blaring from the direction of the garage. She knows that means either two things. Jane is either punching the shit out of her punch bag or she's cracked open the bourbon or both. Letting out a big sigh she turns to head to where Jane placed the leaflets down.
Thinking to herself, 'Maybe Jane is right? What the fuck is wrong with me?, I can't bare to be anywhere near my own daughter'. Taking the leaflets she starts to head towards her yoga room. 'I need time to think'.
After feeling more refreshed and more focused after doing her yoda meditation. She picks up her cell phone and starts to dial the number for Solace for Mothers. Feeling the anxiety building in her chest, she takes a big breath and pushes it down into the pit of her stomach.
After a couple of ring tones a softly spoken woman speaks on the other end. "Hello, Solace for Mothers, how may I help?" the voice says.
"Hello, I would like to enquire about seeing someone to talk to" Maura says trying to sound clinical and cold.
"That won't be a problem, please can I ask what area you are calling from?" the soft spoken voice says.
As of yet, Maura is in control of her emotions, "Boston, Massachusetts" she says. She can hear the woman on the end of the line clicking away at what she presumes to be a computer.
"There is a group held at King's Chapel, 58 Tremont St, every tuesday and thursday from 6pm" she pauses before carrying on. "If you find that the group sessions are not working out for you, one to one counselling is available".
She's never done group counselling before, its bad enough for her to speak in front of others sometimes on a professional level. But before Maura can voices her concerns the lady on the phone speaks again.
"We are a volunteer organisation, run by women who have experienced a traumatic birth, as so, our resources are very limited. We recommend all our clients to at least try the group sessions a few times before seeking private counselling" she says in a calming and pleasant tone.
"Ok" Maura says, trying to sound confident, "Do I just turn up on the day?" she asks.
"Yes, but we recommend to turn up at least 15-20 minutes earlier so you can help yourself to the free refreshments and feel comfortable around the other women" she says.
"Thank you for your help" Maura says.
"You're Welcome sweetheart, and just remember, it will get better" and with that the softly spoken voice on the end of the line is gone.
Taking a deep breath in, Maura wipes away the stray tear that has fallen down her face. Placing the phone back in its docking unit. She makes her way towards the kitchen. Realising the music is no longer blaring from the garage, she quietly creeps towards the door, listening for any movement on the other side. And that's when she hears it, the faint sounds of someone crying. Starting to feel guilty she gently knocks on the door before entering the room.
At first she thought she had misheard the crying, as she couldn't see Jane anywhere. And then she hears it again. Walking closer to the sound, she sees her wife, with her knees tucked into her chest, sobbing.
Scanning the room, she doesn't see any sign of any alcohol that has been consumed. Which makes her feel even more worse now.
Placing her hands on her wife's knees, "Oh sweetheart" Maura says trying to fight the lump rising in her throat.
Jane looks up and sees the blonde woman in front of her, she hadn't even heard her enter the room. "I'm...sor...ry" she says through sobs.
"I'm the one that should be apologizing, I said some awful things" Maura says letting the tears that had been building finally flow freely.
Managing to get her breathing under control, Jane gently wipes the tears away from Maura's face. "No, you were right….I came in here and wanted nothing more than to down that bottle of JD I keep in the filing cabinet" she says. "But I didn't, because I don't want to be that person anymore, I want to be able to talk to my wife, my friend".
"I do too" Maura says trying to regain some control of her emotions. "I know there is something wrong with me". Jane is about to interrupt her, so she places her hand on her wifes lips, silencing her. "And that's why I'm going to therapy, I've called the number on the leaflet and there is a local session tomorrow". She says with a little smile, but showing sadness in her eyes.
Jane see's this and instantly throws her arms about her wife and pulls her into a hug. "Hey baby, everything is going to be alright" she says. "We're going to be alright" placing a kiss on top of the blondes head. Cuddling her, afraid to let go, feeling that everything will collapse around them both in more pain and misery.
Authors Note:
Hey guys sorry i've been quiet for a long time, just been busy with work, as well as i;ve been seeing a therapist since January. And in between i've been very sociable too, festivals, holidays and weddings. :-) And i also decided to adopt two baby kittens which are now 5 months old. :-) I hope you do like this chapter as to be honest, i have struggled with it abit.
Peace and love
Paula
