14. And with her came the birds
It was a bright sunny day in the very beginning of autumn when I was told that my wife would finally be paying a visit. The prospect of meeting – under whichever circumstances – the woman whom I vowed before the Valar to cherish and love, and then left to her own fate on impulse and in the pursuit of something she must have found preposterous, threw my mind out of kilter the moment I heard Elrond's announcement, made in a guarded voice and with a deliberately neutral facial expression. It was millennia, for Eru's sake, since I have seen Calawen's face and talked to her, and the last words, spoken in great anger and anguish, were far from kind – from either of us.
I have not cheated on her while I was away, in body or spirit. In fact, during the wars in Beleriand I had the full intention of prevailing and returning to Aman – and to her – clad in victor's silks, then throw the treasures I intended to win in Middle-Earth at her feet… as the means of atoning before her, if nothing else. That, and sing the songs of triumph, elation and reconciliation for her, what else?.. Of course, it all ended up a pipe dream, and after the disastrous attempt at wrestling away the Silmarils, that door was veritably shut before my own nose. Since then and up until recently, I have been sure that splinter – no, a huge bar of cold iron – would be lodged in me forever, and I would be getting no second chance, nor even a way of learning what befell her. Now, I absolutely had to make this one count.
Seeing my trepidation, Elrond nodded knowingly and told me to get away from the ever lively halls of New Imladris's central quarters. Instead, he pointed me in the direction of the gazebo on the shore of the lake fed by the waterfalls descending from the cliffs surrounding the settlement. It was the place I knew well, and liked a lot, because I appreciated solitude at times whenever I wanted to draw some inspiration from nature. The significance of this gesture was not lost on me, and I nodded gratefully. Elrond grinned in return.
"I believe you won't be in need of any audience whatsoever for this. And there will be none provided by us", he chuckled, and shooed me away.
The wait was excruciating, and my mind was getting the more restless the more time was passing. Surely enough, pretty soon I found myself tapping some kind of rhythm on the wooden wall, but it turned out akin to a war march, with no discernible melody to evolve on top to serve as a basis for yet another song. The inability to channel this feeling of anticipation – and the event it was leading up to was bound to be a significant milestone in my life, whatever outcome I would be seeing – into music vexed me greatly. In order to calm myself down, lest my anger directed against myself bled through and spoiled the fateful meeting, I started to look around, turning to nature for a lifeline. However, as the day was so sunny, the lake's surface was blindingly bright with reflected rays, and really hurt to look at. It's a conspiracy, I sighed irritably, but then remembered that I had my sunglasses, another tiny but useful memento of my life on Earth, with me. I put them on and was, at last, able to contemplate the placid landscape before me without any kind of impediment.
But where was the guest that never strayed far from my thoughts? Elrond was adamant that Calawen could have been here any minute now when he was sending me off to the secluded gazebo, before promising to direct her the same way the moment she would arrive. I started looking around, without removing the shades from my eyes, and…
And then I heard a loud gasp from the walkway leading from the habitation, and to the lakeshore. The voice was the one I've heard so often in my thoughts and dreams over the millennia, every time evoking a deep feeling – from tenderness to bitter regret and from despair to irrational yearning. I turned my head swiftly… and froze.
Sure enough, she was standing there, and she was also still as a statue, hands raised to her face and covering her mouth in something that could only be described as horror. Her eyes, the same lavender colour I remembered loving so much, were wide as saucers, their gaze fixed upon my own unblinkingly. Oh Eru, these stupid sunglasses must be confounding her, I guessed, for they were concealing half of my face and making it look alien. Maybe she thought that I had lost my sight – or was blinded – during my absence (and tribulations), while Elrond would be mercifully keeping this detail from her; that was a very real option, and I had to defuse the situation as soon as possible. Oh, the meeting was already starting off on the wrong foot, I thought sourly, and only a conscious effort of will stopped me from tearing off the shades and throwing them to the ground; feelings or not, I could not afford to waste an item I had no means of replacing. Instead, I took them off as quickly as possible – yet without any rashness – and put them on the wooden wall, then walked up to the woman who was still standing on the paved walkway, frozen like the pillar of salt from one of Endor's holy scriptures.
I was not sure whether to expect a caress, a slap across the face, or indeed nothing at all, as I sank on my knees before my wife. But there was nothing else I could do at the moment but give myself fully to her mercy and her judgement. As a lifelong arbitrator – that she had chosen this vocation since the First Age was a detail made known to me by Elrond – Calawen would dispense that judgement swiftly and fairly, I was sure. And in a sense, this verdict was even more important for me – within, not without – than the one meted out by the Valar in the not so distant past.
Her hands descended on my head and her fingers buried in my thick hair; as they did, I nearly screamed at the almost physical sensation of another rod of gnarled metal piercing my soul coming loose, being pulled out and gone forever. I was made more whole, once again.
Note: the chapter name is from a song by Cult of Luna (from Somewhere Along the Highway album, 2006)
