"Jane...sweetheart wake up" Maura says softly trying to gently wake her wife who is currently in the throes of another nightmare. Watching her wife thrash around in her sleep always breaks her heart. Seeing the sweat clinging to her red sox t-shirt and the hurt and pain across her face.
"I'm sorry" Is all the brunette keeps saying. Maura tries once more to pull her wife from her own personal torment. This time she shakes her a little bit harder and calls her name a bit louder "JANE!" she almost shouts. And with that Jane's eyes flick open.
And in one swift movement Jane has pulled herself up and is now in a seating position on the bed. Trying to control her breathing she feels a little disorientated staring into the dark bedroom. Until the sudden flick of a light makes her bring her hands to her eyes rubbing them slightly. Taking a mental note of her situation, her heart is pounding, her top is wet through and her breathing is fast. Shit! Another Nightmare she says to herself. She is pulled out of her thoughts when she feels someone gently taking her hand. Feeling the soft warm fingers intertwined with her own. She knows it's Maura without even having to look at her.
Maura doesn't say anything, she is waiting for her wife to start the conversation. Unfortunately she's been on this rollercoaster ride before and knows the drill too well. After what felt like an eternity she is met with those beautiful hazel eyes. But filled with them is so much sadness. A single tear manages to escape and makes it way down her cheek.
"Oh Sweetheart!" Is all that Maura can seem to get out. Fearing if she says anything else her voice will fail her.
Jane can't seem to get any words out, the lump in the back of her throat is preventing her from doing so. Instead she throws her arms around the blonde. Burying her face into the crease of her shoulder. The lump has escaped and forced a flood of tears. Jane can't help but let out whimpers from the uncontrollable sobbing. Feeling the arms of her wife tighten the embrace just seems to open the flood gates even more.
Feeling her wife in her arms, she can feel the vibrations from all the sadness and fear that Jane is feeling. Maura just holds and places gentle kisses on top of Jane's head. Slowly she can feel the sobbing subside and Jane's breathing starts to even out. Pushing her wife away from her, she puts both her hands onto Jane's shoulders. "Now listen to me Jane Clementine Rizzoli-Isles" she says, trying to sound stern. "I will keep saying this till you believe it...you are not to blame for Cameron and Maddies death" she says making sure she doesn't break eye contact with Jane. "I know you're carrying around all this guilt….the only person who should be feeling guilty is the bastard that did it" Maura says watching her wife's reaction. Getting no response she gently shakes her. "Do you hear" saying it as more of a statement than an actual question.
Jane doesn't say anything but gently nods her head. She knows she shouldn't feel guilty, but how can she not. Charles Hoyt is her personal bogeyman. He always said he wanted company in the afterlife. Dead or not he is somehow killing the people she loves.
It's been 2 weeks since Cameron was killed. Maddie is still missing, but in reality she knows that she is dead too. If this perp is following Hoyt's 'teachings' then her body is probably hidden in some undergrowth somewhere so he can revisit her.
Because of what has happened, even though at first Jane was against it, Maura had called Angela and asked if she would stay for a while and help out with looking after Amelia whilst the investigation was going on. Angela was actually quiet for once when Maura had explained what had happened. Then she had quickly said that she would drop everything and be there as soon as possible.
Angela had noticed how quiet her daughter was being, not just with her but with Maura too. She had tried to ask her daughter about it but Jane had gotten mad with her and stormed out of the house. She was used to her daughter getting annoyed with her but this seemed different. Like a part of her had died, like the fire inside of her had been put out. If she had to put a word to it she would say she looked defeated. Sighing the older woman carries on with doing some cleaning around the house. At first she didn't even notice Jane until she heard the clanking of what sounded like glass in the kitchen. Glancing that way she watches her daughter pour herself a drink. Her heart sinks each time Jane has another drink, which since she has arrived seems to be a lot lately. Fearing that her daughter is spiralling down the same path as her brother Tommy and father. Sighing she carries on cleaning knowing that whatever she says to her daughter, she won't want to hear it.
Today is the funeral for Cameron and she is already hating this day. Waiting for Maura to get ready she heads to the drinks cabinet and makes herself a drink. She knows her mum can see her but she doesn't care. Not today. Needing something strong she grabs the bottle of Jack Daniels. Pouring herself a couple of shots she decides to sip it neat. Taking the first sip the cool liquid hits the back of her throat. Feeling the warmth of it as it makes its way down her esophagus and into her empty stomach. Taking another sip, this time a bigger one than the first she walks over to the full length mirror in the hallway. Putting the drink down on the hallway table she stares back at the reflection.
She has decided to wear a black trouser suit with a navy blue blouse. Grabbing her hair she pulls it into a ponytail. Taking a deep breath and letting out a big sigh. Glancing at herself wishing this day had never come.
Maura comes down the stairs and instantly can feel the tension in the air. Glancing over to her mother in-law Angela gives her a comforting smile. That's when she sees' Jane in front of the mirror and the glass of what she presumes is alcohol on the hallway table next to her. Letting out a sigh she makes her way over to her wife. She gently places a kiss on Jane's cheek "Ready?" she asks softly.
Jane turns to look at her, and to no surprise her wife looks stunning as always. "Yes" she says sadly.
Looking into her wifes beautiful face, Maura can see that Jane hasn't put any of her foundation on to cover her scar. This makes her heart break, for her wife not to care about it, she knows that Jane is really hurting right now.
Looking at her for a few seconds Jane turns away and grabs her drink. Downing the rest of it before heading out of the house and towards the car. Not saying a word to anyone.
Walking over to her daughter-in-law. "I'm worried about her," Angela says with concern in her voice.
"Me too Angela, me too" the blonde says whilst gently rubbing the older woman's arm trying to offer some sort of comfort to her.
Leaning into the younger woman, Angela places a kiss on the blonde's cheek, giving her a little smile as if to say everything will be ok.
And with that Maura grabs her car keys and walks out of the house. Leaving the older woman behind. Trying so desperately to believe her words, but she's not sure if she does this time.
The car ride to the cemetery is a quiet one. Both women sit in silence. Thankfully the weather is nice. Clear skies around and not a single cloud in sight.
Jane hadn't even realised they had arrived until Maura had opened her car door and offered her hand to her wife. Jane gladly takes it not wanting to refuse it.
Maura gives it a little squeeze before both walking over towards where the mourners are gathering. Once seated it is not long before the service.
"We are gathered here today to celebrate the life of Cameron Davies, not to mourn it" the priest says to the congregation. "Not only was he a dedicated FBI agent, but he was also a brother, son and friend".
Standing opposite Jane, she recognises Cameron's parents and his sister. Visibly upset with their uncontrollable crying. Not wanting to look at them anymore, feeling the guilt pushing down on her. She tries to look at someone else. Not wanting to believe what she is seeing she suddenly gasps. Sat next to them is Cameron's mutilated body. Squeezing her eyes shut to try and get rid of the ghastly image. Whilst wondering if she is losing her mind. Her thoughts start to race wildly. Wondering what the FBI told his family. Did they know the truth? That she's to blame. Before she can slip further down the dark hole of her somewhat fractured mind. She feels someone giving her hand a little squeeze. Opening her eyes Cameron is gone and is now replaced by an elderly looking gentleman.
Releasing the breath she didn't even realise she was holding in. She feels the same gentle squeeze of her hand. Forgetting that Maura has been holding it the entire time. Looking at her wife she notices the red puffy eyes, which makes Jane feel guilty even more. Not once has she asked if Maura is doing ok. Cameron was both of their friends and selfishly she's made it about her, again. She vows to make it up to her, she doesn't know how but she will. Squeezing her wife's hand back she whispers "I love you" to her.
The rest of the funeral was a bit of a blur, every now and again she could hear Maura sniffling trying to stifle her crying. As for Jane, she didn't cry, she couldn't. The lump in her throat wouldn't move, no matter how much she wanted it to. It was like she was being punished. That she wasn't allowed to mourn to grieve for her dead friend. After a while she stopped trying to make her body cry. Instead she just started to feel numb. Hopefully the service would be over soon and she can scurry off home and get blind drunk. Seeing everyone start to rise she joins them by standing, closing her eyes and lowering her head in prayer.
"We have entrusted our brother to God's merciful keeping, and we now commit his body to the ground" the priest says indicating to the funeral director to start to lower the casket into the earth. "Earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust. In sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life through our Lord Jesus Christ, who died, was buried, and rose again for us. To him be glory forever. Amen" he says finishing with making the sign of the cross.
"Amen" Jane says in almost a whisper before she opens her eyes. Both women take a rose from the small table that has been set up next to the grave. Walking over to their friends final resting place. Staring down at the casket all she wants to scream is Forgive me. Mentally saying it instead she throws the rose in the grave saying "Goodbye" in a barely audible tone.
Moving away from the grave she watches as Maura says her goodbye too. Taking her hand they both start walking back to where they parked the car.
"That was a beautiful service" Maura says.
"Yeah it was" Is all Jane can say back. Before Maura can say anything else Jane notices Cameron's family and wants to pay her respects. "I'm just gonna pay my respects to the family," she says.
Nodding her head "I'll just wait here" Maura says. As much as she would like to go over there as well. This she feels is something that Jane needs to do.
Approaching Cameron's family, Jane can see that his mother is still visibly emotional. She catches the eye line of Cameron sister. Jane watches her say something to her mother which then makes her walk away.
"I'm so sorry for your loss" Jane says but before she can say anything else she is slapped hard across the face. The force of it nearly knocks her over. Bringing her hand to her cheek she just looks at the woman.
"I know exactly WHAT you are," she says. Taking a step forward so she is in Jane's face. "You're Cursed! Evil follows you around….stay away from my family" she says almost spitting in her face.
Watching Cameron's sister walk away, Jane doesn't hear Maura come up behind her. It's only when she feels a hand on her shoulder she realises she's there. Great! She thinks. Her wife has obviously just seen everything, and she's not really in the mood to talk about it.
"Oh my god Jane, you ok?" Maura asks with concern in her voice.
Jane doesn't know why she is feeling angry, she's not mad at Cameron's sister for slapping her. Hell if she could beat herself up she would. Afterall she felt like she deserved it. Shrugging Maura's hand off her shoulder she turns and walks away without even looking at her. "I'm fine!" she says in a harsh tone. Leaving her wife stood looking lost and alone.
Angela has just finished feeding Amelia and goes to lay her down for a nap in her crib. Hearing what she thinks is a car pulling up outside The girls are back early, she thinks to herself. Making her way downstairs she sees Jane come storming into the house. Heading straight for the liquor cabinet and grabbing what looks like a bottle of Jack Daniels.
By now Angela has made her way to the kitchen counter. Watching her daughter fills her with nothing but worry. Something clearly has happened to make her so agitated. "Janie baby...what's happened?" she asks tentatively.
Hearing her mother's voice behind her Jane lets out a sigh, she isn't in the mood to be lectured right now. She just wants to get drunk and to be left alone. Picking up the bottle, she turns to face her mother. Giving Angela one quick glance before brushing past her and heading to the garage.
It breaks the older woman's heart seeing her daughter like this. Seeing those eyes, even for just a quick second she can see the pain and guilt within. Just as Jane disappears into the garage Maura comes into the house. Knowing that she is not going to get anything from Jane she goes to her daughter in law. "Maura...Did something happen at the funeral?" Angela asks. When the younger woman's eyes meet hers, they are red and puffy from crying. "Oh sweetie" She says enveloping Maura in a loving embrace.
Angela gently takes the younger woman's arm in her hand and leads her towards the dining room table. "Sit yourself down, and I'll make us a nice pot of tea" she says whilst giving her a smile.
Grabbing a tissue from the box on the table, Maura starts to dab at her wet eyes. "Thank you Angela, that would be lovely" she says whilst still trying to calm her breathing after getting upset.
Glancing towards the kitchen and seeing the liquor cupboard open nearly starts the wave of tears off again.
Suddenly the sound of music can be heard coming from the garage. Luckily it's pretty much a stand alone room and separated from the rest of the house by a small corridor. So Jane can be as loud as she wants to and won't wake the baby up.
Returning to the table, Angela places down a tray with a pot of tea and two cups, giving a quick nod with her head towards the sound of the noise. "Well" she says "At least we know what mood Janie is in" glancing back towards her daughter-in-law. Happier to see that she is no longer so upset.
Grabbing the tea pot and pouring into one of the cups, she is hoping that Maura will tell her why they both are upset. "What happened?" Angela asks whilst placing one of the cups down in front of the younger woman.
"It was awful Angela," Maura says whilst taking a sip of her tea. "Jane went to offer her condolences to Cameron's family…..and Cameron's younger sister slapped her".
Taking a deep breath, whilst thinking of something to say. However, Angela for once in her life is lost for words.
"But that wasn't the worst part Angela" Maura says trying to swallow the lump that was threatening to surface again. "She said Jane is cursed and evil follows her around".
"Oh my god, my poor baby" Angela says getting up from the table and starting to make her way to the garage door. No one says that shit my baby she thinks to herself.
Getting up too Maura stops the older woman. "Please don't" she says, almost pleading with the older woman.
Angelas hand is on the door knob but she doesn't go in. Resting her head on the door, she takes a deep breath in and lets out a loud sigh. As much as she wants to comfort her daughter and tell her everything is ok. But if she is being honest with herself. She too has thought on several occasions that her daughter might be cursed. And she always hates herself for thinking that way. But how can she not, after all the bad things that have happened to her.
Turning round and heading back to the sad looking blonde in the kitchen, she places both her hands on the side of Maura's arms and gives them a gentle squeeze. "She wouldn't listen to me anyway" Angela says sadly.
"Oh Angela, it's not that Jane wouldn't listen, it's just I think she needs to be alone, and when things have calmed down a bit. Or depending on how drunk she gets I'll talk to her then" Maura says trying to give her mother in-law a reassuring smile.
Angela left the Rizzoli-Isles house many hours ago, she said she was gonna go and do some sightseeing and maybe some shopping. Really she just wanted to give the girls some space.
Maura had tried to keep herself busy, so she decided to do some gardening, as being outside always seemed to relax her. After being outside in the midday sun. She felt incredibly thirsty, entering the house to grab herself a drink she notices the music coming from the garage has stopped. Taking a deep breath and letting out a big sigh, Maura removes her gardening gloves and decides to see how Jane is.
Reaching the garage door, Maura pauses for a few seconds to see if she can hear anything from the otherside. Nothing. Gently knocking on the door, "Jane" she says softly "I'm coming in". Twisting the door handle she opens the door and steps into the garage.
Straight away she notices there is a strong smell of alcohol lingering in the air. And something else, something recognisable, sweat. I know Jane uses the garage as a gym but usually it doesn't smell this strong Maura thinks to herself. Scanning the room, she doesn't see Jane, however the punch bag is still swaying ever so slightly like it's just been used. Looking at the bag the outside looks almost wet. Odd She thinks to herself then she sees the droplets of a reddish brown liquid on the floor leading away from it. Her heart starts racing in her chest, as the fear and anxiety starts to build.
"Jane" Maura calls out louder this time. With urgency in her voice. Following the trail of reddish brown liquid, it leads her to the farthest corner of the garage. Where there is a little recess. If you didn't know it was there you could easily miss it. Huddled in the corner with her hands resting on her knees and her head in her lap is Jane. Relief starts to fill the blonde, knowing that her wife is ok. But that once again is replaced with fear.
Realisation dawning on Maura that it must have been blood on the punch bag that she saw earlier. And that Jane in her drunken rage has decided to take it out on the bag but in doing so has hurt herself.
"Jane..sweetheart" Maura says calmly "I need to look at your hands" she says whilst gently placing her hands on the side of Jane's thighs.
Reluctantly Jane lets her wife look at her bloody knuckles. If it was up to her she would wallow in her self pity. But Maura always has this way about her that she seems to be able to drag out whatever emotions and feelings she's currently feeling. Like she is powerless to resist her.
Once the initial shock of how bad Jane's hands look, Maura turns on doctor mode and detachaches herself from this. Dealing with her wifes medical needs methodically. Looking closely at the hands she can see that the knuckles are split and will more than likely need a few stitches. Maura tries her best to clean and disinfect the areas without causing too much pain to her wife. But Jane doesn't seem to react at all, she doesn't even flinch. Maybe it's the alcohol in her system that has made her numb. She hopes it is, otherwise the worst case scenario is that Jane has completely detached herself from everything and everyone. And this frightens Maura, as maybe this time whatever demons are tormenting her wife. Will pull her down to hell and she will be lost forever.
Authors Note:
I hope everyone is keeping safe and protecting themselves and each other. Thank you for your patience, and I hoped you all liked this chapter. This story is far from over yet. :-)
Peace and Love
Paula
