"The Adventures of Professor Proton, Jr: The Proton Express…"

Summary: In my first longer Proton Jr tale, can Prof Proton Jr. aka mild-mannered Sheldon Cooper and Dr. Amy aka Amy F. Fowler save the world at Christmas…And can Proton Jr. keep that blond sob of an engineering genius Tom Swift, Jr. away from his girl?

Equally important…Should Cameragirl Penny allow this thing to appear on her acting credits or just accept that all hope of a professional career is gone and just enjoy while peddling her drugs?

Disclaimer: All is Chuck's…

Part V…

Conference room, Swift Enterprises' Fearing Island submarine pens,

"So these are the coordinates we were able to glean from the transmissions from Earth before all signals were jammed on our friends' frequencies and all near ones…" Swift indicated the figures on screen.

"Latitude and longitude…?" Wyckcliffe asked. "The aliens grasp the concept?"

"It's fairly basic, any four-year old with the ability to read at a twelve-grade level could grasp that…" Proton, smugly.

"Really? I read at college level at four. But maybe in Texas the term 'genius' applies to anyone wearing glasses and able to read…At the first grade level." Wyckcliffe smiled.

"People…" General Smith glared.

Worse than those negotiations between the IS and Iraqis…But I could have them all droned.

"But aliens surely would need more reference…" Wyckcliffe pointed out.

"We were working with the aliens to determine their past landing sites during their ancient failed expeditions to Earth in hopes of finding the sites. We gave them very detailed explanations of our mapping systems over the last decade. The point is…" Swift, patiently… "We have the approximate coordinates of the crash site…In the South Atlantic, near one of those likely ancient landing sites."

"Maybe we should call in Erich von Dannike ("You want correct names or you wanna avoid lawsuits?" Howard noted to a frowning Sheldon.)." Proton sneered. "He could tell us all kinds of unfounded fairy tales about ancient astronauts and UFOs…And fairies…"

"Is wise and funny man, this Proton, no?" a pleased Dr. Hofstadter eyed Dr. Amy who frowned.

"No." curt response.

("Yeah, that's very funny…Hee…Suggesting me jealous of my dear bestie and her unquenchable allure for all red-blooded males, particularly macho types from Texas. Anyone might think all my efforts to befriend her and mildly hint at a lesbian interest in our past days were ploys to uncover her relationship with Sheldon and undermine it." Amy, nervous smile to Leonard. Penny, Howard, Bernadette staring. "Way to go with the extreme fantasy, screenwriter Leonard. Real 'Twilight Zone' stuff." Nod, nervous chuckle. "Isn't that crazy fringe stuff, Sheldon?"

"Even I knew you were bitterly jealous of Penny, Amy. It was a huge turn-on." Sheldon, quietly.)

"If you don't wanna be a part of this, Proton…" Swift noted.

"Yeah, lets get the kiddies and kiddie show host outta here and get to work, Tommie." Wyckcliffe nodded.

"Hey…" Dr. Amy glared.

"Dr. Wyckcliffe…" the General sighed. "Professor Proton, Jr's scientific work in dark matter is noted…"

"As much as his failures in string theory…" grin.

("Leonard!" Amy, fiercely. "I had to work it in to get Lesley to do this…" Leonard sighed. "Sheldon said he was ok with it, so long as he got a biting and witty riposte…" "It had better be very witty and biting, Hofstadter." Amy,grimly. "Yeah, bite me, Cooper." Lesley grinned.)

"String theory has theoretical validation and everybody has heard of it, even say, blonde waitresses/actresses who can't master basic Physics 101. Run the video of our blonde waitress, Dr. Amy…"

"Check…" Amy pressing button on portable camera. Projection video of blonde waitress on wall, remarkably similar to Dr. Hofstadter in appearance,

"Like fer sure I've heard of stringing theory and that dark matter stuff…Dude." The waitress responds to off-camera voiced question. "Like quantum what?...Who's ever heard of a quantum loop gravity? Dude?"

"See…" Proton, folding arms… ("Thanks…" Amy beams to Penny. "For my bestie and to get Lesley, the girl who nearly made my honey's life a rerun of his parents? Anything…" Penny offering high-five…)

"Doctor? I can have you shot for having an unauthorized video camera in here." The General eyed Dr. Amy.

Uh…Well…

"Glad to give the order to fire, General…" Wyckcliffe, frowning. "And I might point out, strike two on the treason front for Proton and his doormat…"

"We'll pass on the execution. For now… But turn in your camera, doctor." The General, calmly. Projecting that confident calm that only the truly macho…

("Raj! Get away from that keyboard…!" Howard fumed.)

"I protest. As a Texan, an insult to my woman is an insult to me, sort of. Besides…Taking videos of me in my endeavors is Dr. Amy's principle reason for existing, let alone being on my team." Proton noted.

("Sheldon?! What do you mean, how did I like your venture into screenwriting?! You wrote that?!" Amy fumed. "I want that cut, Howard."

Even if, I'm his woman…She beamed.)

"Oh, she's a woman?" Wyckcliffe, cuttingly. "I figured you made her out of spare parts…"

"I demand an apology! I'd never make a woman out of spare parts…" Proton glared…Amy nodding. "I wouldn't waste my time…I'd have Swift dodad one for me."

"Fine…I apology to Dr. Amy. I was outta line. Sorry. I should sympathize for anyone with a brain slug attached." Wyckcliffe shrugged. "And I meant I'd give the order to fire at Proton…"

"That's it!" Dr. Amy, furious, rising. "Time you dropped 150 IQ points, lady!"

"Still leave me smarter than you and the kiddie host put together!" Wyckcliffe.

"Peoples…" Dr. Hofstadter, shaking head.

Like St. Petersburg U after hockey championship with Ukraine…

"Can we get back to the salvation of Humanity?" Swift, quietly.

("Nice job, bestie…" Penny nudged. "I wasn't acting…" Amy glared.)

Looks round the room…

Fine…Collective sigh…

"I would point out that it seems we are a bit top-heavy with physicists for an alien biohazard team…" Wyckcliffe noted. "Shouldn't we expand to include at least one competent biologist? Or is the real interest here in analyzing the alien vessel? And all this 'menace to Humanity' a blind for the government to get its hands on other-world tech?"

"Doctor?" The General frowned. "Dr. Hofstadter is a world-famous exobiologist. And the menace is quite real, I assure you."

(Hot and world-famous…exowhatever…Penny noted archly to Leonard. It's the glasses…They get those cold Russians all steamy...

Uh…"Howard? Could we take an early lunch?" Leonard called.)

"Quite the eco-radical we have here…" Proton eyed Wyckcliffe. "I'd say you've found your woman or whatever traitor here, General."

"Just because some of us have more on our mind than profit or appealing to kiddies on Saturday morning TV, asswipe…!" Wyckcliffe fumed.

"Professor, Dr. Wyckcliffe, please…" the General raised a hand.

"We also have Proton's and my expertise in theoretical biophysics…Since our collaboration on the biophysics of neural stimulation in drug-addicted monkeys." Dr. Amy, quickly.

"Exploding brains of monkey addicts…That's got be a real help here." Wyckcliffe sneered.

"And we have a microbiologist…" Swift noted. "The last member of our team…She was delayed at her conference, my good pal Bud Barclay…Dashing test pilot, staunch buddy, and all-around all-American type…Just brought her in. Ladies and gentlemen, my younger sister, Bernadette Rostenkowski-Swift."

My dad's second wife kept her maiden with hyphen, he noted as the door to the conference room opened and the handsome, lithe, if compact, Bud Barclay entered with the said Dr. Rostenkowski-Swift on arm.

"Another Swift, naturally…" Proton, low-voiced grouse, frowning.

"Gotta go with you on this one, Neutron…" Wyckcliffe hissed.

"Sis…Good to have you here. Thanks for joining us." Swift beamed.

"Glad…To… Hey, Dr. A. Dr. Wyckcliffe." Curt look.

"Little and large-chested…" Wyckcliffe nodded. "Heya, Buddy-boy…" lewd grin to former beau Bud Barclay, who gave annoyed frown.

("That your contribution?" Bernadette eyed Howard.

"It had better be, comrade husband…" Penny, eyeing a hapless Leonard.)