Chapter II: Escape, Princess!
"Cap'n Slawgans, sir, we have another problem."
Inuyasha grown, lifting his head from the table. Where the hell was he? Inuyasha glanced around, seeing nothing but blue water and ugly men with beards.
"Where the fuck are we?" Inuyasha asked.
"Huh? Oh, Cap'n Slawgans, sir, we're umm… on the open sea because umm… you see, we're pirates, sir. And we slay and kill innocent people. We don't rape, at least, you don't, neither does Miroku because you see, he's a monk, but we do. At least I don't, I don't believe in violence… And we—"
"When I ask you for story time, you will give me story time, until then, shut your trap, puppy!" Inuyasha laid his head on his fingers, before looking over the young pirate again, who the hell was he? Inuyasha wasn't sure but he sure he seen that kid sometime in his life.
The kid was definitely not Miroku, not that other punky weasely guy or that scrawny guy, what the he—oh yeah, Hobo… Hoko… Hoso… something like that. He had sworn that his name was Hobo. It had to be, it was the only thing that fit. The man was really needy looking and only Hobos look needy like that. Slap his momma and call her Jen, his name had to be Hobo, he was sure of it.
"Sir," Hobo squeaked, "We still have a problem."
Five minutes later, a little black haired man running out of the way. "He's mad, he's mad, I'm telling you!" Hobo squeaked before Miroku looked quizzically at the berserk little man.
"Oh, he must've told him the news." Miroku smiled, tapping patiently on his fine ass Rolex that he just stolen.
"MIROKU!"
"And there's my cue." Miroku said to the onlookers, "You see, my little yuppies, wherever there is a problem, I am to fix it, hence me waiting patiently for—"
"MIROKU!"
"Later." Miroku tipped his hat, walking slowly towards the direction of the hanyou Captain, which was as always, on the table deck, slumped over the table, sobering up from last night's drinking feast, "You rang, oh, Cap'n Slawgans, sir?"
"What is it that that Hobo…"
"…Hojo." Miroku corrected.
"…said to me?"
"That…"
"I KNOW WHAT HE SAID, YOU MORRON! What do you mean that the only females that exist in that whole fucking kingdom place is the goddamn princesses and the princesses' hired help? Jesus CHRIST!"
"Please do not use the Lord's name in vain."
"Shut the hell up, you're a Buddhist, you don't believe in God!"
"Jesus is not God, Jesus is—"
"Shut up!" Inuyasha yelled, "I'm talking! Don't talk when I talk, how hard is that to understand?"
"Not—"
Inuyasha growled, "Are you trying to make me throw you off the fucking deck because I'm willing to do that if you want, Monk! All I want to know is why are we heading towards a kingdom where the only women are MAIDS AND PRINCESSES? Where are my sluts, whores, my prostitutes! You know, sensible women!"
"Obviously don't exist in that kingdom. Listen, it's the best we could do in a short notice. Be happy that we could find women at all. We either, raped, killed or sold them all. It's hard to find women nowadays."
"Whatever. Don't let this happen a-fucking-gain! Okay!" Inuyasha sighed, "Now where are we again?"
Miroku rolled his eyes before walking away, muttering something about drunk Captains and how only sober Captains show control the ship and not ones who are always drunk. Inuyasha shrugged, tapping on his head, now… where were they again?
"Get ready for an invasion!" Miroku called.
Wha? Since when? Man… maybe he really did need to lay off of all that Vodka.
"Operation: Take Good Looking, Slutty Looking Women, IF POSSIBLE…" He continued.
Oh God…
"KAGOME, Hiten is here…" Kikyou yelled,
"Uh-gain."
Kagome groaned, banging her head slightly against the desk that she was working at. She slightly smoothed back her hair, pasting a sweet smile upon her face. Did that kid understand the word 'no?'
"KAGOME!"
"Shut up." Kagome muttered walking down the stairs, "Just because you're an old hag and haven't had any suitors in almost three years, doesn't mean you—HELLO Kikyou."
Kikyou grunted before making her way up the stairs. If Kagome didn't know her sister, she would think that Kikyou might be a tad bit jealous. Maybe Kikyou shouldn't have pissed off those fairies…
"My fair lady—Kagome…" Hiten made his way for Kagome's hand before she snatched it up, "Will you?"
"Get any closer and I swear to—"
"INVASION, INVASION, THERE IS AN INVASION! PROTECT THE CHILDREN, PROTECT THE—"
Kagome gave a deadpan look at Hiten, "Not again. Hiten, what's wrong with you? I told you once, I told you twice, I told you a thousand times, the answer is no. Why do you always try to kidnap me? Serious—"
"This isn't me, Kagome."
"Great." Kagome tapped her foot against the floor as Hiten dove underneath the nearest table, "Do anybody understand the word illegal anymore? God—"
"DAMMIT, all these women are ugly!" Inuyasha yelled, trying to tug off some manish looking maid off of him, "Stop touching me!"
"Where are the princesses?"
"I've seen one of them… She was absolutely hideous! My whole body is numb from shock and my eyes—Jesus, words cannot describe how much my eyes fucking BURN!" Mantan cried.
"Well, let's take what is at least somewhat decent looking and I guess we could put a paper bag over their faces when they entertain us." Miroku said thoughtfully.
"Right. I'm going ahead." Inuyasha said holding up his dinky Tetsusaiga, "Ugh, more ugly women. Don't touch me! I have a weapon, I don't know how to use it but I'm sure I could do some serious damage!"
"Oh Lord… At rate, these ugly whores are going to be jumping on our goddamn ship." Kouga replied.
Why do these kinds of things happen to her once her parents left the castle? This was the second invasion this week. What's wrong with these people? All they do was kidnap her… the moment she says no and the moment she's alone, she gets kidnapped.
What the hell… seriously, she's the prettiest princess of all the land but goddamn, these princes needed to lower their damn standards because apparently she didn't want to be their queen. Apparrennttly.
Kagome sat comfortably in a chair, crossing her ankles while watching her staff run out of the door.
She might as well wait; every time she runs she gets captured anyways and they get even more pissed when they have to run. Oh, imagine the audacity of not wanting to get capture and having to run after the captive. Imagine that.
"Who the hell are you?"
"What you're looking for." Kagome said sarcastically, "Hurry up and throw me over your shoulders and say 'you're going to be the queen of my castle, Princess Kagome' before you take off with me because you're time is limited, my parents always save me in less than three days."
"Huh?" The silver haired man asked, scratching his hair, "Who the fuck are you?"
"You don't know who I am?" Kagome questioned before throwing her head back to laugh, "Wow, this is amazing. So, you didn't come to take me away to your castle for we can make beautiful babies together? This—wow… I'm shocked. Okay, well, if you're just trying to steal my stuff, go ahead, it can easily be replaced. I am the princess, don't you know."
The silver haired man grabbed Kagome's arm before she could fully escape. He took one good look at her face before shrugging. What the hell was that supposed to mean? She was trying to be modest but, honestly, she was damn well offended! She was supposed to be the most beautiful woman of all the lands, even though she would like to concur, in all the worlds, even, shouldn't he be ecstatic that he had her? Every man was ecstatic to steal her at least once! And he was shrugging her off like—like—like… oh she didn't know what.
"I guess I'll take you." The man effortlessly threw her over his shoulder, "You're the best looking thing in the whole entire castle."
"Thanks. I think."
"Whatever, wench. Oh by the way, I don't like your voice, so don't talk, thanks."
"Who—"
"Sshh…"
Kagome shut her mouth, watching the ground as she was effortlessly being taken away from her castle. Once again. Kagome let out a sigh as she watched the wooden planks be stepped upon. Oh God, this never happened to her before, usually, they took her to their castle by horse…
"You're not a prince, are you?"
"Definitely not. I'll let you know I'm a—"
The man was interrupted as a squawky black haired man was underneath Kagome's eye sight. The man holding her dropped her on the floor, glaring at the man.
"What do you want, Hobo?"
"Cap'n Slawgans, sir, its Hojo, sir,"
"You are who I say you are, you fuck tart!" Captain Slawgans snapped.
"Sorry, Cap'n Slawgans, sir. Umm… I just wanted to report to you that the women entertainment raid was a mere success…. Sort of. Umm… we're probably going to have to go to another port or something and steal a few more because there's…" Captain Slawgans rolled his eyes before walking off, "…SIR!"
Hojo quickly ran after the Slawgans character, both disappearing around the corner. Kagome sighed, wincing as she stood up. What a mean old grouch. Kagome looked around, looking for a possible exit before they dock. Kagome peered over the deck, wow that's a really long way to swim.
"Isn't this the fastest thing you've ever seen? We can leave ports faster than most ships this size."
Kagome groaned, rubbing her temples. Now, they tell her, Kagome thought, "Whatever."
Why couldn't this sort of stuff happen to Kikyou, even though, Kagome chuckled to herself, Kikyou is extremely—well… She hoped that she could go home pretty soon. She sure missed being proposed to every five minutes…
I'm going to be honest. I was never going to update this story again. But then the first chapter made me laugh… and then I was like… UPDATE. It's a comedy, practically a parody, just making fun of fairytales and stuff.
