A Little Lower Than The Angels

Chapter 13

Disclaimers: I don't own any of the JAG characters; I don't own any product or label mentioned for the purposes of telling this story. Any similarities to situations or persons living or dead are purely coincidental.

Spoilers: Any JAG episode through Season 8 and up to 'A Tangled Webb II' in Season 9. The Season One episode 'Smoked' will be referred to.

Reputation is what men and women think of us. Character is what God and the angels know of us.

Thomas Paine

1620

Sunday

May 8, 2003

Chegwidden residence

The Admiral replaced the handset on the phone as he stood in the small office, off of the den in his home. The last piece of the plan he formulated for Rabb was in place. Much would depend on whether he chose to use his head and not allow his pride to ruin his career. He was sure he had done everything he could; it was up to Rabb now.

Harm arrived promptly at 1630. He was invited inside and followed Admiral Chegwidden to his den. Before he was seated, the Admiral turned to him and began without preamble.

"Let's get to it. At this stage of the game, I don't feel like small talk."

Harm stopped short, not sure of what to expect.

"Do you want to come back to JAG because you want to do the job, or because you don't have anywhere else to go?"

"What?" Harm was taken aback by his bluntness.

"You heard me. Answer the question." The Admiral was in no mood to mince words.

"How do you know I want to come back?" With audaciousness he would never be able to explain, Harm returned the Admirals question, with another question.

The Admiral looked hard at him, as though he had just about enough of him.

Harm immediately saw that his challenge was ill timed and before the Admiral had a chance to throw him out the door, he answered, "I want to do the job."

AJ quietly considered his answer, the tension still thick in the air. "This will require me to have a conversation with the SecNav and I don't like having conversations with the SecNav, do you understand Rabb?"

Harm knew there couldn't be any love lost between them since the revelations about the SecNav former assistant, Lindsey, not to mention his use of Commander Manetti. He nodded the affirmative.

The Admiral began,

"I will meet with the SecNav Friday to request that you be reinstated. However, this will be contingent upon two things. One, I expect you to report to Bethesda for a full physical and work up."

He nodded toward the still healing cut on Harm's forehead. "I want that blow to your head assessed, and I don't want you to tell them you had a bump on the head. You had to have been unconscious for at least a half an hour and it better be reported as a part of your assessment. The flight surgeon, Captain Dan Morrison, is aware that I want a full report on your condition on my desk by 1200 hours Wednesday. Two, you will report to Captain Oliver Miles Wednesday afternoon. He will perform a complete psychological examination and after provide counseling services, if they are required, for as long as he deems necessary. He is already aware that I also expect a full report from him before 1200 Thursday."

"Sir, I don't think I ne...

"I don't recall asking you what you think you need. There are no choices here, if you come back, you will do this. If… you come back…Mr. Rabb, you will be the most squared away sailor in the fleet. There will be no question as to your goals or your focus. You will no longer be known as the 'loose cannon' at JAG. You have the potential to become JAG one day… if you do as I tell you. I have put much of the last 9 years of my life into shaping my staff to function better than any other at JAG Headquarters before us. I'll be damned if I will allow anyone to do any less when I leave."

"When you leave, sir?" This was news to him.

"That is no concern of yours, now…if at anytime I see that you are not equal to these tasks" He walked up to him and looked him directly in the eye. "What will I do, Mr. Rabb?"

"You'll drop me in your wake…..faster than your garbage…..sir."

It took all of the self control that the Admiral possessed, to keep the smile from his face as Harm repeated the words he said to him, upon their first meeting. Maybe he had gotten something through that thick skull of his, after all.

Admiral Chegwidden nodded toward an overstuffed leather chair sitting to one side of his fireplace. "Have a seat."

Harm gave him a questioning look, but sat down as the Admiral's expression grew more stern.

He began to walk slowly, back and forth, in front of the fireplace and as he did, he began,

"Now Mr. Rabb, we're about talk about something personal. As you know, I don't like personal discussions and I don't expect to have another any time soon, are we clear?

"Yes sir."

"Good, we understand each other. I'll get to the point, and put this as plainly as I can….From your first weeks at JAG, I would say, almost from the very beginning, your father's shadow has been cast over everything you've done. While that has been positive in many ways, in others, its nearly destroyed your career and damn near cost you your life."

Harm looked at him steadily, not quite sure where he was going with this.

"Your father was a good man and a good officer, he was shot down over Vietnam; he was taken to Russia as a POW, officially unacknowledged by that government and his own. An injustice was done. You are not responsible for it and you cannot undo it."

Harm visibly blanched, the accuracy of the Admirals remarks stung him, he continued,

"This issue has to be put to rest, you have to do it, to move on and get a life of your own."

Harm could not meet his gaze; this was all hitting him too close to home, when the Admiral has said 'personal' he wasn't kidding.

The Admiral gave Harm a few minutes, hoping that what he was saying was being heard for what it was. True concern and a last ditch attempt at helping him salvage his career.

"I don't know where your focus has been over the past 6 months, Rabb, but to say you haven't been making good decisions lately would be an understatement."

Harm still wasn't looking at the Admiral; but he smiled wryly and shook his head, knowing he couldn't argue with that.

"You didn't tell anyone about the issues with Singer and Sergei, did you? You certainly didn't come to me; it appears you didn't trust anyone, not even the Colonel."

"Not until a few days before…and I didn't tell her everything, I was trying to protect Sergei, I didn't want anything to keep him from becoming an American citizen, the murder charge would have ruined any chance we had of proving he was…."

The Admiral finished his sentence. "Your brother….It still comes back to your father Harm, put it to rest; I can't believe your father wouldn't want you to do that."

He looked up at him sharply, suddenly angry that anyone, even the Admiral, would speak for his father. "I've had no choice but to put it to rest, that choice was taken away, long before I came to JAG."

"If that were true, we wouldn't be having this conversation." He'd been watching Harm chase his father's ghost for over 9 years, there was no way he would allow him to gloss over all that had happened during that time.

Embarrassed and still angry, Harm stood quickly and started to walk across the room, wanting to put some space between them. He lost his balance but recovered it quickly.

"You need to report to Bethesda tomorrow, first thing." The Admiral decided that he would change the subject from the personal to the practical medical issues, he had made his point, though it was painful, it had to be made.

Harm turned back toward him, relieved to be talking about something, anything else. "I will sir, I'm fine, but I will"

Satisfied the Admiral nodded.

Both men stood facing each other, though they were across the room from each other. For Harm, this was as uncomfortable as hell, but uncomfortable or not, he was smart enough to know what the Admiral must have had to do to get them out of Paraguay. The Admiral was still as hard to read as ever. He was standing here, offering him more than an olive branch and Harm knew it, but he was still looking at him as though he'd like to deck him. He didn't even want to think about what he'd have to promise the SecNav to get him back in the Navy, and JAG. Harm had hoped, but was afraid to believe, that he would actually get his career back.

"Now, there is another subject that we have to address, another subject I don't want to have to discuss again. It appears that you and Colonel Mackenzie have begun seeing each other…so be it. However, do not bring it into the office or make it an issue with any of the staff at JAG. If this becomes serious enough that marriage is being contemplated, I expect to be notified in time to adjust staffing so that the integrity of my office is not compromised. Can you handle that Mr. Rabb?'

"Yes…sir" It felt good to address him this way. This was the Admiral Chegwidden he met all those years ago. Harm recognized the no nonsense and ambitious SEAL that became JAG. He also saw the commanding officer who had pulled his six out of the fire more times than he cared to remember. And, in this situation, he was doing it again.

"Then we're done here."

Harm nodded and just that quickly the conversation was over. In moments, Harm was on his way back to Washington and Admiral Chegwidden was beginning another task that he dreaded, but could not put off for another day.

Later that evening…

1930

Vietnam Veterans Memorial

Washington D.C.

Harm stood in front of the familiar section of the Wall, one that he could have found blindfolded, because he'd been there so frequently. His eyes focused on his fathers name as the Admirals words came back to him. 'Your father's shadow has been cast over everything you've done.' Harm reached out and flattened his thumb on the letters and slowly ran it across them, as he had so many times before. It was the only thing he could touch, that made his father real to him.

The Admiral's words made him realize that he was still looking for that tangible evidence of his father's existence, after everyone else had given up, his mother, the Navy, everyone. He was still trying to prove that he didn't die in Vietnam. It was as though every milestone of his life directed him to that goal; from the summer he ran away to find him, to the Academy, to flight school. Then he had continued with his willingness to risk everything, to follow any lead to prove that his father was alive, from Vietnam to Washington to Russia. Sergei was proof of so many things…an injustice; the Admiral had called it an injustice. It was that, and bringing Sergei here, proving that he was his father's son, truly had been his way of righting a great wrong.

Harm sat down on one of benches scattered along the path that ran the length of the Wall. He had spent more than one afternoon doing just this, watching as groups of people crossed the street from the Lincoln Memorial and then walked to the path. It always amazed him how quiet and solemn they became. People could be laughing and talking and then as they walked further down the path, their voices would become hushed, until most people stopped speaking at all.

Harm leaned back, resting his arm on the back of the bench. He stayed for over an hour, deep in thought and watching people as they passed by the names etched on the wall of black granite. It was strangely comforting, to witness a person stopping at the name of a friend or family member and reaching to touch it, or trace it on paper with a pencil. To Harm, it was a testament that another man who answered his country's call had not been forgotten. He watched as other people repeated the same ritual as he had over the years, coming back to their own personal touchstone.

At that same moment…

The Admiral had invited Meredith to dinner; it was time they talked about where their relationship was going, though he had never liked, 'relationship talks'. He cared for Meredith a great deal, but not enough to plan a future with her after he retired. It wasn't fair to allow her to think otherwise. In all the hours of contemplation he'd had since he had returned from Paraguay, he made a decision, he was cleaning house, professionally and personally, a task that was long overdue. He wasn't sure how Meredith would react to what he had to say, but as usual, she surprised him. It had been a welcome surprise; he found that he hadn't given her the credit that she deserved.

Meredith Cavanaugh stood on the Admirals front porch. AJ stood in front of her, and she slipped her hand into his. She leaned up to kiss him lightly on the cheek.

"I'm sorry AJ."

"It's not your fault"

Meredith smiled at him confidently, "I know it isn't. I suppose I'm sorry that we didn't have a future together, but I, like you, have known that for some time."

Her statement made them both chuckle, Meredith was never at a loss for words, that had been true from the moment he met her.

"Seriously, AJ, I think we are at a place in our relationship where we would either become more serious or we would decide to move on. I think without knowing it, we've both chosen the latter."

The Admiral nodded, silently agreeing.

"It's been wonderful AJ." Her eyes were sparkling with the confidence that had attracted him to her in the first place.

"It has" He looked at her directly, hoping that she understood that he meant it.

"I wouldn't change a thing."

The Admiral walked with her down his front steps, "I wouldn't either."

Then as the Admiral closed her car door, after helping her inside, he suddenly remembered a ride he had taken with Meredith in a very small, very fast sports car. Then he immediately recalled a backrub that went horribly awry…

On second thought, he might change a few things.

2130

Harm's Apartment

North of Union Station

Harm had only been home a few moments when he decided to call Sergei, realizing as he punched the numbers on his cell that Sergei had become touchstone, as well. He sat in his apartment now, waiting for him to answer his cell phone, finally, he picked up.

"Hello… Sergei?"

"Brother. Are you well?"

"Yes, I am…just calling…to see how you're doing"

"Good, I am good."

"Am I still your best man?"

"Yes, yes, we look forward to seeing you here. You will come in August…Yes?"

"I'll be there."

There was silence on the line for a moment while Sergei screwed up the courage to ask about Lauren Singer. He had not heard from his brother since he learned that she had been murdered.

"Brother…what happened…about Lauren?"

'It's a long story Sergei, its not important."

"Are you protecting again?"

Harm chuckled, knowing that was exactly what he was doing. "Yes, I guess I am."

"Tell me Harm please, what happened?"

Harm explained most of what had happened, about the fact that Lauren's baby was not Sergei's, just as he had told him. He did not say that he spent time in the brig; he just couldn't bring himself to say it. He did tell Sergei that they suspected him but that he was cleared when Lauren's killer was found.

Harm didn't want to think about being in the brig, though he was found innocent, the shame of it was still with him. They would talk about it someday, Harm hoped, over a beer with their grandchildren playing at their feet.

Besides, it didn't matter anymore, Lauren was dead and her murderer was in Leavenworth, and that was all there was to it.

After he ended the call, he sat back in his chair, listening to the quiet of his apartment. He looked around the room and it struck him how empty it seemed without Mac. They hadn't been apart at all since he found her at Sadiq's compound in Paraguay. He felt an overwhelming impulse to grab his keys and get to Mac as fast as he could. She'd said she had a lot to do, but Harm knew she was giving him some space too. Neither of them knew what to expect when he met with Admiral Chegwidden.

He stood and walked around the room, glancing out the window and down at his SUV parked in front of his apartment. As he walked back toward his bedroom he had already begun to calculate how long it would take to get to Georgetown, he glanced over his shoulder at his keys, on the key ring near his door.

He spoke his thoughts aloud, "to hell with it….I'm going."

1000

Mac's apartment

Georgetown

Mac began to pace inside her apartment, it was exactly 1000, surely Harm was finished talking with the Admiral by now.

She looked out her front window, looking for Harm's SUV. She knew he wouldn't come tonight. She'd made it clear she didn't want him to….but now, she just wanted to talk to him for a moment. She hated being away from him, they had been together every day and night, since he rescued she and Webb from Sadiq's compound in Paraguay, now it seemed unnatural not to be with him.

Mac walked away from the window and into the kitchen. She had already cleaned everything, the counters sparkled, everything was in place, and everything was ready for her work day to begin tomorrow. This was so frustrating, 'Damn it,' she thought, 'why couldn't he just call?'

As she walked back out into her living room, she was just beginning to fume. 'The least he could do is call,' she thought. 'He knows how worried I am about this.' Then a tiny voice inside her asked… 'Doesn't he miss me?'

Mac tried to shake off all the doubts, this was ridiculous, he'd saved her life, and he told her he loved her. She didn't know what she was thinking tonight. Then another thought came, unbidden. She did know what she was thinking; she just wanted him….here, with her. Her need to be with him, to be able sense his physical presence was overwhelming. She had known she loved him for some time, but needing him this way was something new entirely.

Startled from her thoughts by a sharp knock on the door, she turned toward it. Aloud, she whispered the name of the man she hoped was on the other side of it.

She nearly ran to the door and quickly looking through the security lens she breathed, "Thank you," to God, to the Fates, to whoever was listening.

As she opened the door, Harm began talking, hoping she wouldn't be angry with him for not being able to stay away tonight. "Mac, I know we said we'd talk tomorrow, but…"

Mac reached for his shirt and pulled a happily surprised Harm into the apartment. "I'm so glad you're here." She flung herself into his arms. "Where have you been?" She kissed him before he had a chance to answer her.

After he pulled back from her kiss, he laughed; relieved they had both been thinking the same thing. "Glad to be here…did you miss me, Marine?"

He kissed more deeply, pulling her close. There it was... that comfort of having her near him, their connection and attraction immediate. Just as Harm started to walk her backward toward her couch, Mac broke the kiss and asked him, "Did he ask you to come back?"

He still held her close, "not in so many words."

Mac drew back from him. "What?"

"He asked me why I wanted to come back."

Mac was getting frustrated with him; this was no time to be cryptic. "Harm, are you going to come back to JAG or not?"

"I think so, contingent on two things; the Admiral is going to talk to the SecNav Friday."

"Go on." Mac had slipped out of his arms and stood in front of him.

"He wants me to go to Bethesda, get a physical," Harm pointed toward his head. "MRI, CT, everything, and he talked with someone in the psych dept. there, so it looks like at least one of us will have to see a shrink."

"You are going to do it, aren't you?"

"I'll do it. He made it pretty clear that if I don't, I won't be back, period."

"Harm I know you hate this, I'd hate it too, but please cooperate, humor them, do what ever you have to. I want you to come back to JAG."

'I will Mac. I want to come back." The worry lines on his forehead softened and he pulled her more closely to him again.

"Did you talk about anything else?"

"Nothing important, we can talk about it later." He leaned down and kissed her neck. He didn't want to talk about what the Admiral had said about his father, it was painful enough to hear the first time, though what he'd said was probably true. Besides, being here, like this with Mac was making it all go away, no one had ever been able to do that for him and as he had told her before, there was no way around it. Sarah Mackenzie was addictive.

Mac knew there had to be more but she was so happy that there was a way for Harm to return to JAG, she wasn't going to press the question. She put her arms around him, sighing heavily, "This feels so good."

"Hmm, I can't argue with that." His hands skimming down her back, kissing her temple and nuzzling her ear.

Mac snuggled further into his arms as she allowed him to walk her backward toward the couch. Then she remembered that she had her own meeting with Admiral Chegwidden tomorrow. She pulled him down to sit on the couch beside her.

"Did he say anything about us?" She looked at him warily, knowing that this might not be the best time, but given where she knew they were both going, they might not get a chance to talk about it again, before she had to meet with the Admiral in the morning.

Harm gave her an indulgent look; he knew she was worried about this too. He rested his arm on the couch behind her and leaned in to brush a kiss on her cheek.

"He said that as long as we keep everything out of the office he doesn't have problem with it." That's it Rabb, keep it short and sweet and keep her on task, he thought as he kissed his way back down to what he had learned was the most sensitive spot on her neck.

"That's great." She was beginning to slur her words; it amazed her how quickly he could get under her skin. There was something else, she could bet on it. It took all her control to step back and ask him while she could still think.

"And?" Mac arched one eyebrow, waiting.

Undeterred, Harm answered her as he traced his fingers down her arm. "He, uh…said that…if we decide," He looked up into her eyes now, "if we decided to make our relationship permanent, he wants plenty of notice. You know, so that JAG isn't compromised."

"That's reasonable." She was trying to read him how he felt about that proposition, but he was definitely on a mission that had nothing whatsoever to do with talking.

"Don't panic Harmon; I'm not demanding that you make a decent woman out of me." She was only half teasing him.

"I wasn't thinking that." He looked at her, suddenly indignant.

Mac only smiled at him and slipped deeper into his arms. "Okay…whatever you say."

"Mac…we've got a lot going on now. You know that." He pulled her back from him, trying to get her to look at him. "I just know that I want to be here, with you." His words finally caught her full attention. "I love you."

"Me too," Mac giggled in spite of herself and she felt Harm slip his hand under the hem of her t shirt. As he flattened his palm and skimmed up her back, she pulled him to her and whispered a question into his ear. "What are we going to do, Harm? I can barely stand to spend a night without you?"

He rested his forehead lightly against hers, grinning as he released the hook of her bra. "Doesn't sound like a problem to me."

He kissed her again, his mind and body focusing completely on her. He didn't think he'd ever get enough of this, and with any luck, he'd never have to worry about it. The Fates could keep them together, forever.

0030

Monday

May 9, 2003

Chegwidden Residence

MacLean, Virginia

Admiral Chegwidden sat in the overstuffed leather chair, leaning forward, holding the phone to his ear as he listened to his daughter speak. He had been trying to reach her all weekend. She had returned his call just a few minutes before.

"What is it Papa?" Francesca's voice was filled with concern.

"Does there have to be a reason to speak with my own daughter?"

Francesca waited a beat and then answered, "No, but you must admit, it is not common for you."

"I'd like to change that."

"Papa…" This was a familiar conversation.

"I want to know you better."

"You have tried Papa, your job is your life, it takes you away. There is no time for family."

"Something else I intend to change."

"Will you be leaving your Navy?" Francesca spoke as though she knew the answer to that question.

"I'm strongly considering retiring. I think its time."

"If this is what you want, I am happy for you Papa, but….."

The Admiral listened to silence on the telephone line then pressed her to finish her sentence. "But…"

He heard his daughter heave a sigh. "But, I don't want you to treat me like a….devo...you owe… you call it…debt. I want to see you Papa, to know you better…as you say, but please do not act as if your time…your love… is a debt you must pay me. If my life as taught me nothing, I know I do not want this."

The Admiral awed into silence by the truth of what his daughter had just said.

"Papa? Are you there?"

"Yes, I'm still here." He hesitated to broach the subject on the telephone, but the door was open and she seemed ready to talk. He had no idea when he would have this opportunity again.

"Would you mind…telling me when you first felt that I treated you that way? I swear to you Francesca, I never felt that way, ever."

"Papa…"

"Francesca, please..."

She waited a moment and then she began, "This feeling did not begin with you. In my memory, it began with my stepfather, though he was a good father, I was not his daughter. You know that in my country, blood means everything and I was your daughter, a reminder of the love of my mother's life. I was a debt…an obligation, no more."

The Admiral closed his eyes tightly, knowing his daughter spoke the truth of his life as well. Hearing her say it, somehow made it more painful to him.

"Do not misunderstand, my mother cared for and respected her husband. She was an obedient wife, and I respect her for this, but we did not agree about marriage. My mother says I am too passionate and independent. She says this, I get from you."

The Admiral smirked when he remembered that Marcella could be passionately angry, he had the scars to prove it. Their passionate love for each other had produced Francesca and for that he would be forever grateful. Other women had passed through his life since then, but he could never love anyone the way he loved her. He told himself it was because he had been young and that the passage of time had allowed him to forget the more difficult things in their relationship, but he knew, deep down, that it wasn't true. He would love Marcella until the day he died.

"I'll have to plead the 5th on that one."

"Plead the 5th?"

"Sorry, I'm not using the phrase properly, but it's a term used by defendants in court cases, meaning that a person can refuse to answer a question on the grounds that it might incriminate them."

"So you admit you are too passionate, Papa?"

"No, I said I was pleading the 5th…about your stepfather?" The Admiral returned to the original topic of discussion.

Francesca continued… "I think you understand the meaning of what I was saying, and with you Papa, so guilty, so careful in the few times I saw you, in my childhood. I wanted the man my mother described, the father who was strong, independent and fearless."

"If you will give me the chance, I will show you that you are no debt, Francesca."

"No, no…I'm going to challenge you. Come here, come and stay in Naples for a time, for a time with no duty to be performed, a time for your family. I have someone I want you to meet. If you want to know me better, you must know him also."

'It will take months after I submit my retirement for it to go through. Let me look at my schedule and I'll get back with…."

"No, Papa. I don't want you to get back with me…as you say. If you truly mean what you say, you will come. If you do not, I have my answer."

"Francesca…"

"Goodbye, Papa."

Francesca replaced the handset in the receiver and turned to look at the 10 month old baby boy sitting on a blanket on the floor, surrounded by his toys. He was the image of his grandfather, from the brown eyes, to the rounded head with very little hair visible. He sat watching her, with what appeared to be an intense interest. Then, as though the little boy knew the possibilities of the conversation that his mother just had, he laughed and clapped his hands.

TBC

A/N: Yes, I know I took a different turn here with Meredith and AJ, but I hated that she was turned into a faithless…you know what, on the show.

A/N: I have 14 nearly complete and will do my best to post tomorrow or Tuesday at the latest. I think RL has cut me a little slack….I sure hope so.