A Little Lower Than The Angels

Chapter 15

Disclaimers: As previously stated

A/N: This will be short; I hated to leave you all in that spot for more than 24 hours or so. Thanks everyone for your interest

2055

Tuesday

Leesburg, Virginia

Harm had driven out of DC and toward Leesburg. He always went there to clear his head, he thought he'd take Sarah up for a while and when he came back down, everything would make sense. He realized though, by the time he got there that he couldn't take Sarah up either, at not for 60 days.

Pops, resident mechanic, and owner of the hangar allowed him to keep a locker there and he changed out of his uniform into an old pair of jeans and t shirt. He hadn't had time to do any maintenance on his plane since last fall, so he decided to do it now. He didn't want to go back to Washington right now; he didn't want to talk to anyone. Working on this plane had always helped him clear his mind; he hoped it would still be true.

Harm had been working for some time when he heard the sound of footsteps on the concrete floor. He looked up to see Admiral Boone walking into the building.

"Do you know you've got half of DC looking for you?"

"Did Mac call you?" He returned his attention to the engine of his plane. Harm thought he knew why he had come; he thought Mac must have told the Admiral about his restricted flight status.

"No, it was Admiral Chegwidden, he just had an idea you might be out here.

Hell Rabb, I'm surprised that Homeland Security isn't looking for you."

Harm looked down from the ladder he was standing on and gestured toward the plane. "Did Dad ever tell you about this?"

"Is that the Steerman he was always talking about restoring? What did he call her…Sarah?"

"The very one, my grandmother kept it for him and then later……for me." and to himself, he thought 'and now the name 'Sarah' has a whole new meaning.'

Tom Boone walked around the plane, occasionally running his hand over the wings and fuselage.

As Tom walked over to the open hangar door, Harm asked him, "How did you get over it?"

Tom looked over his shoulder curiously, "Get over it?"

"Being limited, never being able to fly off of a carrier again."

"I don't know if I am over it."

Harm continued to work on the plane, not finding much comfort in the Admirals words.

Admiral Boone walked around the hangar, not feeling the need to converse, appearing to be deep in thought; Harm would glance at him now and again, wondering what he would say next or if he was going to say anything at all.

Some time later Harm made his way down the ladder and over to the tool bench and Admiral Boone met him there. "I'll miss flying for the Navy until the day I die, and you will too, but there's something else you should think about."

Harm stopped what he was doing and gave him his full attention.

"Think about how few men ever have the privilege that we've had, flying the most sophisticated aircraft ever built, in the most powerful military in the world. We've both had our time, in our turn, to make a difference, Harm. It's time to let the younger men coming up, have theirs."

Harm turned and leaned back against the tool bench; looking at 'Sarah' and wondering if just flying for pleasure would ever be enough. Less than a week ago, he couldn't think of anything but getting Mac out of Paraguay, no matter what it took. Now, though he'd never regret going after her, the loss he felt since he'd talked to Captain Morrison this afternoon was profound.

"I know you're right…..it's just hard to explain….the loss, to people who've never …"

Admiral Boone finished his thought for him. "It's hard to describe something so …..superior to any other experience, to someone who hasn't experienced it themselves."

Harm chuckled, Admiral Boone had nailed it. "Yes, sir…..that's what I mean, exactly."

"As far as Mac is concerned, I don't really have any advice there."

Harm looked over at him, surprised that he would mention something so personal.

"I never had anyone permanent enough in my life to explain it to."

Admiral Boone laughed and said "It made things less complicated."

Harm laughed with him, but he caught what the Admiral was trying to say, he did need to try to talk to Mac. He was fortunate to have her in his life and he knew that. He just hadn't been ready, the news was too fresh, and he didn't want to deal with it. He still didn't know how he felt about it.

Admiral Boone started to walk away from the tool bench. "I'm going to get back."

"You can stay if you like, I could use the help."

"No thanks…I'm retired, besides, I said what I came to say. I am going to say one more thing, though. You still have another 10 years left in your Navy career. You can spend it bitter about what you've lost or enjoy what you have now." He began walking away from him. "It's up to you."

Harm turned and watched him leave and as he passed the open door of the hangar, he said "Admiral."

Admiral Boone stopped and looked at him.

"Thanks."

He nodded an acknowledgement, "Anytime, I think I could get used to being an old sage."

Harm spent the next hour finishing up his maintenance check on 'Sarah'. He'd completely lost track of time when he noticed that it was nearly 2200. He turned out all the lights and closed up the building, as he'd promised Pops he would.

After he got into his vehicle, he took out his cell phone and dialed a familiar number.

"Hello?"

"Mac?"

'Harm, where are you?"

"I'm in Leesburg?"

"Leesburg?" Surely he wasn't trying to fly now; he had been restricted from anything for 60 days.

"I wasn't flying…just doing some maintenance on my plane…..Look Mac, I'm sorry I walked out like that."

"I shouldn't have said what I did, Harm. I don't think the way you feel about flying is a game. I just didn't like having my own words used against me. I just wanted to help, you know?"

"I know…its okay, listen, it will be late by the time I get back to DC, so I think I'll just go back to my place. I have to see Captain Miles tomorrow at 1000. "

"The psychologist?"

"Yeah….I didn't even ask you about your appointment."

Silence

After an interminable few seconds, Harm spoke. "You don't want to talk about it either….do you?"

Mac laughed, though a tear was falling down her cheek. "No…I don't."

"We're a pair aren't we, Mackenzie?

"Yes… we are." She wiped another tear away, never giving Harm an indication that she was anything but calm.

"I'll call you." He could have said tomorrow, but he knew he wouldn't be ready to talk about anything then either. He wasn't looking forward to his turn at a counseling session.

"Okay, I'll talk to you then."

After Mac ended the call, she stood with her hand still on the receiver. She wanted him here with her, but she wasn't ready for the kind of conversation they need to have when they saw each other again.

0915

Wednesday

JAG Headquarters

Falls Church, Virginia

Mac was leaving the conference room and starting for the break room to get the largest cup of coffee she could find. Trying to sleep last night had been ridiculous, and when she finally did, she only dreamt of Sadiq hate filled face, with Webb screaming in the background. This was the reoccurrence of her nightmare since her first night back from Paraguay and in that instance, Harm had been there, his voice calming and reassuring her.

She missed him; she'd missed him so much last night. He seemed fine when she spoke to him last night, but distant. Just as she rounded the corner toward the break room, she saw Harm walking across the bullpen toward the elevators.

"Hey" She tried to sound casual but she'd never been so glad to see anyone in her life.

"Hey, I just wanted to stop by for a moment on my way to Bethesda, I thought I might catch you for a couple of minutes after staff call." He smiled at her, but he looked tired and more than a little tense.

"I've got a few. Come on into my office." Her heart was warming at the thought that JAG wasn't on the way to Bethesda. He'd made a special trip, for just a few minutes with her.

Harm looked at his watch, "Okay, I've got a few more minutes."

After Mac had closed her office door behind them, she saw a note in the middle of her desk pad, along with a cup of coffee. She walked around her desk and saw the note placed just under the bottom of the cup.

"Did you leave this for me?"

"Yeah, Mac I should probably go." He honestly would be late if he didn't get out of there. The other thing was, he wanted to hold her close to him so badly he could hardly stand it.

"But you just got here." 'Okay Harm,' she thought, 'No pulling me close, then pushing me away.'

"I know, I just….didn't want to leave things as they were last night. I over reacted Mac, I'm having a harder time with this than I should be. There is so much I want to say now, and this is not the place…"

"I understand…..I know." Her voice was soft and she took a step toward him.

The sound of her voice and her nearness was having the effect it always did on him lately, he could hardly keep his hands off of her, so he turned and took hold of the door knob.

"Harm what is it?"

Harm shook his head and turn away from her. "It's not you, or anything like that…I guess it is you, in a way...but I."

"Harm what are you talking about?" She hadn't seen him at loss for words like this, in a very long time.

"I don't know, I feel like hell, I don't want to go to this…. damn appointment." He looked at her in a way that broke Mac's heart. "And I want to touch you so badly that if I don't get out of here, counseling will be the least of our worries."

"Oh." Mac looked down, smiling shyly and feeling relief washing over her. "I understand." He was still hers.

"Do you?"

'Yes, I know just how you feel." She looked back up at him, trying to tell him with her eyes how much she'd missed him last night, and how much she needed him now.

Silence

"Will you come over tonight, let me make you dinner?" He'd asked her in the note, but he needed to know now. He wanted to take the thought of it with him when he went into that session. Why did he feel as though he were going into battle?

Mac looked at him for a moment, not sure she was ready for another blow up like they had last night.

"Maybe we need to decide some ground rules, Mac. It's like you said. We have to get through this."

He looked out into the bullpen and saw the Admiral crossing the room. "I should get going." He opened the door. "1800?"

"Yeah, I'll be there."

"Good." He opened the door and slipped out, glancing back at her, melting her heart with the warmth in his tired eyes

After he left, she picked up the coffee cup and drank deep from the still warm brew. God, she loved that man, he'd made her coffee just the way she liked it.

She picked up the note Harm had left her. It was inside an envelope, it looked as though he had written it before he came this morning. It read,

Mac,

I know I already said it last night, but I'm sorry about yesterday. I know I got too angry, too fast. We've both been on an emotional roller coaster for the last few weeks, I know yesterday wasn't easy for you either. We do need to talk about this; I don't want to lose what we have. I need you. Come to dinner tonight, I'll cook and we can talk.

Harm

PS: Last night was one of the longest nights of my life.

A/N: As I said, I know this is shorter than usual, but your posts gave me a guilty conscience.