"The Adventures of Professor Proton, Jr: The Proton Express…"

Summary: In my first longer Proton Jr tale, can Prof Proton Jr. aka mild-mannered Sheldon Cooper and Dr. Amy aka Amy F. Fowler save the world at Christmas…And can Proton Jr. keep that blond sob of an engineering genius Tom Swift, Jr. away from his girl?

Equally important…Should Cameragirl Penny allow this thing to appear on her acting credits or just accept that all hope of a professional career is gone and just enjoy while peddling her drugs?

Disclaimer: All is Chuck's…

Part XL…

"Sermek? Come in, Sermek." Bernadette tried.

"He's not responding, Arthur." She turned to Proton in his Fat Man suit, feet of his mechanical legs securely bound to hull.

"You, tin-clad, mechanical clod!" Proton called into his mike. "Stop mucking around in there and give us a report! At once! That's an order!"

"Nothing…" Bernadette shook her head within the suit.

"Sermek? Come in…" she tried again.

"That's another order!" Proton added.

"I hear and obey…" a female voice vaguely familiar…

"Pretty good, huh, huh, huh?" Sermek's normal voice. "That was Tina Louise aka Ginger Grant in 'Gilligan's Isle' from the episode when the mad scientist Balinkoff had her and the other castaways under his control."

"Bud and his jokes…" Bernadette sighed. "Not to mention his occasionally creepy obsessions…"

"Stop fooling around and give us that report like a normal robot, Sermek!" Proton, annoyed. "And why didn't you respond to us before?"

"Stopping…Fooling…Around…Master." Sermek's voice, typically robotic. "That was my B-9 brother from 'Lost in Space' before he was fully programmed and still rather a bore though very good at crushing and destroying. And I had to find a working frequency…Force field, ionization…Makes radio communication difficult, you know. Or you would if you weren't a kiddie show quack, Proton…Junior."

"I swear I am gonna disassemble him…" Proton fumed.

"You and what room full of theoreticists? Huh, huh, huh." Sermek chortled.

(Howard, smug grin to Leonard…

"Wow." Penny edged to Leonard, adjusting his uniform. "That thing is amazing. Number One, just how advanced was that sex robot of his you told me about?" her commanding look.

"Seriously? Just a test model. But I've always kinda wondered a little about Bernadette." He noted.

"She has a family…" Penny, blanching a bit.

It would explain so much…

"Who always seemed exactly like the sort Howard would imagine a Catholic girl would have…" Leonard, arch look to her blinking stare.

"And where you can build one android…Why not three?"

"You know it's a punishable offense to terrify your Commander…" she eyed him. "You must be…Disciplined…Later."

"Da…Oh, da. By the way…Commander…Are these our new 'names' for each other?"

"Da." She noted, curtly. Then eyes widening…

"Say…I would know if I was an android, right?"

"Penny…" Leonard stared, then reflected… "Of course, in 'Blade Runner' Rachel had no idea she was a biorobot till Harrison Ford showed up. And it really improved her performance…Sorta like you in 'Sheldonopolis', playing evil Futura." Arch grin…

"C'mon…Howard's not that good an engineer." He sighed at her look. "And would he have given you to me, at any price?"

"No, of course not." She nodded, sighing happily. "But you know, Futura wasn't 'evil'. She was just following orders."

"I suppose…" he agreed. "That was what I was trying to convey…"

"However, you have earned more demerits, Number One." Stern tone, finger to his lips. "I fear you must undergo the most severe penalties…" …cozying up to him.

"Dudes…Seriously?" Raj, seated behind, eyed them. "You're creeping me out worse than my girl Emily used to."

"Like you wouldn't be ordering a Bernadette Mark II right now if it were true?" Leonard eyed him.

"Hey…I have Lucy back now." frown.

"And I'll bet she cost a pretty penny." Penny grinned at him.

"For me and my dad to know…You to find out, if Howard ever talks. But I meant the Russian officer sex talk…" Raj, smugly.

"Though of course as robots go, I'd've probably gone for a young Buffy or Scarlett Johansson… What?" at Penny's grim stare.

"Like you wouldn't go for a Robert Downey Jr bot? And Lucy's the only human I want." Raj, plaintively.

Ok…He's got me there...She whispered to Leonard while maintaining frown at Raj. Leonard nodding.

"Really couldn't blame you. Though I'd stick with the Penny 1000."

"You…" she beamed.)

"Sermek, that's enough." Bernadette cut in, firmly. "What's your report? Have you gotten inside? What did you see? Can we enter?"

"Ma'am. If I may hold the first to last as the longest. Yes, I got inside. There is a central corridor to what appears to be a main area. There appear to be a series of forcefield distinct areas all around that corridor and central spot which may be containment chambers but I cannot scan them through the fields which were not accessible to me. Not much by visible light but holy crap by infrared and electromagnetic reception. Yes, it's safe to enter and an atmosphere nearly Earth typical-Pressure 684 millibars, temperature a balmy 20C or 68F for idiots like Proton who can't master the Celsius scale…"

"Sermek, please." Bernadette as Proton fumed.

"Ok. Oxygen is 19%, Nitrogen 80%, Argon 0.80%, Carbon dioxide 0.035%, other trace gases, non-harmful or not harmful at current levels."

"Hmmn…Pretty Earthy." Bernadette considered. "Certainly not modern Mars but it could have been Mars a few hundred million years ago. Any evidence of micro-organisms in the entranceway?"

"Or any creepy-crawlys in general?" Proton asked.

"The interior areas not shielded by the forcefields appear to have been subjected to intense UV radiation after the hull opened." Sermek. "No creepy-crawlys to make Dr. Proton Smith scream his head off."

"Decontamination?" Bernadette pondered as Proton glared. "Is it safe?"

"In your suits, yes. Without them…Oooh really bad as in. killer, sunburn." Sermek noted.

"So, we can't take the suits off?" Proton pondered.

"Correction. Ms. Bernadette cannot. You, by all means. Fricassee of Proton coming right up." Sermek noted.

"Of course, once the ship senses us inside…" Bernadette considered. "They surely know we'd be coming in and would adjust once they do an initial decon with us in the suits."

"If they've seen your videos, you are doomed. The Mistress is probably safe." Sermek noted to Proton.

"Well, we'll be cautious inside and keep the suits on till we know for sure." Bernadette noted.

"Don't let a woman restrict your freedom, you wuss!" Sermek turned to Proton, indignant tone. "You're plumb from Texas, You march in there, throw off the suit, and show them their alien sidewinders what kind of a quivering pale mass of whatever you are, you are. Unnnh…" As Proton angrily pulled his power pack.

"Proton! We need him!"

"Fine." Returning power pack.

"Whoa, who turned the lights out?!" Sermek, raising bubble top.

"Just behave yourself, Sermek. Stop teasing Proton." Bernadette, sternly.

"But it's my programmed purpose, ma'am. We're a comedy team, Robot and Smith, Abbott and Costello, Martin and Lewis, Ms. Piggy and Kermit. You're the Junior partner in all of them, Junior." Sermek turned to Proton.

"You pile of plodding…Puffoonery!" Proton glared…But faint smile.

"Stop it Sermek. And you too, Costello." Bernadette shook head. "I know you're actually enjoying this, Arthur."

"Not at all…Well, maybe just a bit." He shrugged from inside his glass.

"I get it but ok, fun's over. Time to see what's what." She put up an arm. "Sermek, you couldn't get any bio readings through the force fields?"

"Sorry, no, Dr. Rostenkowski-Swift."

"A real robot's robot would have found a way in to one of the chambers, bulled right through the field." Proton insisted.

"And been destroyed, possibly destroying the ship and you, you idiot." Sermek noted.

"But you are welcomed to try it yourself."

"Boys! Enough." Bernadette glaring from her glass. "It's possible the ship is waiting for humans to enter. Sermek? What about the infrared and electromagnetic readings you said were so strong?"

"Definitely. But impossible to ascertain if they indicated biological organisms or simply reflected the ship's power systems in operation." Sermek noted. "Detailed analysis could reveal more but will take several hours at least."

"Hah!" Proton, smugly. "If I'd done the readings…"

"You would have had to carry about 500 pounds of bulky instrumentation, and you probably would have been fried by the UV or entrance forcefield unless the Mistress is right." Sermek noted.

"Well…You must weigh 900." Proton, annoyed.

"857.23, but I carry it so well. Huh, huh, huh." Sermek noted, chucking.

"If only we could somehow access the controls…They must have left something for us to do so." Bernadette pondered.

"Perhaps the message they sent me would help." Sermek suggested.

Proton, angry glare. "Message?! Now you tell us?!"

"You didn't ask." Sermek noted calmly.

"Fine." Bernadette shaking head within the suit.

Bud, you and Tom really had to give this thing a sense of humor?

"Ok…Sermek…Can you play the message?" Bernadette, trying to be patient.

"Certainly…" Holographic image of Princess Leia kneeling displayed…

"Help me, Obi Wan Kenobi. You're my last hope…"

"Damnit, Sermek!" Bernadette fumed.

"See!" Proton insisted. "Useless pile of scrap metal!"

"Sorry, Bud's idea." Sermek noted. "The real message is only played inside, I couldn't record it. You'll have to enter."

"Well, at least tell us what it said." Proton frowned.

"I don't do human brain wave frequencies…" Sermek noted, raising and lowering bubblehead, as if to shrug.

"Actually, it seemed rather rude of them…" the robot, turning from side to side as if shaking head.