A/N: I'm really sorry this took so long to update, (rather chapter three that came out yesterday). My internet was wigging out on me and wouldn't load the site right (it was like a blank screen when I went to stats and stories, so I couldn't get to the edit page). Anyways. Due to what happens in this chapter...I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Please R&R (and please don't hate me!)! Thanks! -Mac

Disclaimer: I don't own Life With Derek.

Chapter Four

Looking Through New Eyes

And when we tried to think of the life inside, we found ourselves looking at the world through new eyes.

My mouth fell open. I couldn't be happening. He couldn't mean she...I was so overwhelmed I barely registered that the man had started talking again. My dad had sunk back into his seat, with his face in his hands. His shoulders shook with silent sobs. He already knew. It didn't matter what the man in front of us said. He already knew. Nora had returned to her seat, tears trailing down her face. Her arms went around my dad, and he leaned into her. Edwin had his head on Lizzie's shoulder as they hugged each other. I didn't move, I listened to him. The only thing I felt was Casey's grip on my hand tightening.

"We did everything we could, but there was so much damage her body just couldn't handle it. She fought hard, she was strong. We were hopeful, but it just became too much. I am sorry for your loss."

I watched him turn and walk out of the waiting room. God, how I didn't want to believe it. It hurt so bad to believe it. How could she be gone?

My legs gave out from under me. I sank to the ground, sitting on my knees, and Casey went with me. She had her arms around me, pulling me to her. She was in front of me, my head found her chest and she hugged me as I cried. As her own tears began to fall they trickled down her face and landed in my hair. I don't know how long we all were like that before the tears began to dry up. It felt like ages. Everything moved in a blur after that. The next thing I knew I was back in the car driving Casey, Lizzie and Edwin home. Nora had ushered up out with assurences she'd get a cab ride home for her and my dad. She said she didn't want the kids to be cooped up in the hospital longer than need be.

Once we were in the car, I sat behind the whelel for a little while. I listened to the light patter of the rain on the winshield and roof of the car. It didn't look like it was going to let up any time soon. I just had to clear my head a little before I started to drive. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before I started the car.

"Would you rather I drive?" Casey spoke up.

I turned and looked at her. She was really concerned about me, I could see it in her eyes. I wasn't really thinking clearly and Casey looked a little more collected than I was. So with a slight nod from me, we switched places. As she pulled out of the hospital parking lot, I rested my head against the cool glass of the window. We were home in no time. Funny how the ride there was like a lifetime, but the ride home passed in a second.

I climbed out of the car once Casey parked. I unlocked the door and let Edwin and Lizzie pass by me. I turned around to see Casey lock the car doors and come up the sidewalk to the house. She passed me the keys to the car as she walked through the door. I followed her in and closed and locked the door behind me. Lizzie had curled up in a chair, while Edwin laid down on the couch. The TV had been turned on and set to a low murmur. I let out a sigh as I watched them. I hated the sadness in their eyes. They didn't deserve to feel this kind of grief.

I turned away and went into the kitchen where Casey had disappeared to. I found her hunched over the sink, washing the few dishes left over from breakfast this morning. I walked up behind her and put my hand on her shoulder. She gave a little start, dropping the plate she had in her hands, before turning to look at me. She attempted a smile, but failed in accomplishing it. She turned back to the sink and picked up the plate she had dropped.

"You don't have to do that." I said quietly.

"Yes I do." Casey corrected me, "If I leave them, my mom will feel like she has to do them and I don't want her to feel like she has to do anything."

"Let me do them. You look exhausted. You should get some sleep." I offered. She really did look exhausted. We all probably did. I didn't want her to feel like she was obligated to do the chores right now.

"No, I'll be finished in a minute." Casey shook her head and pushed me away gently. "Let me do it. I need something to do. Besides I don't think I can sleep right now anyway."

"Yeah me neither." I nodded. I hopped up sat on the counter next to the sink, watching her finish up.

"I should probably wait up for my mom to get home." Casey replied, "She rushed us out of there so fast I didn't really get a chance to see how she was...or George."

"God, my dad must feel..." I trailed off. "I didn't really talk to him at all, all night. If feel bad about it."

"You were upset Derek, we all were. No one was--is--in a talkative mood."

"Yeah, but he's my dad...and it was his daughter. I should have been able to say something. I should have been there for him." I sighed, "Instead I was off in my own little world."

"Believe me, Derek, you are the most self-absorbed person I know, but tonight you lost soemone really close to you. Being off in your own little world is understandable this time." Casey said stopping her washing to look me directly in the eye as she spoke. "Don't feel bad because you were distracted by your own grief."

"But you were there for me, and Lizzie for Edwin! You guys weren't distracted."

"I love you Derek, of course I'm going to be there for you." Casey exclaimed.

"And I love my dad, and I wasn't there for him." I whispered.

"Derek, I loved Marti...sure she was a pest sometimes, and she messed with my things, and she was too far into her belief she was a cat and she was far too much like you, but I loved her. And I'm going to miss her. But no one loved her as much as you, no one is going to miss her more than you. Because of that, all night, all I could think about is how you felt, how you were going to take it if it turned out for the worst. I barely thought about how I was going to feel. You were the only thing I could think of. So no I wasn't distracted, because you were the only thing on my mind." Casey explained.

"I'm sorry, Case." I murmured.

"For what?" Casey frowned, scowling slightly in confusion. "What could you possibly be sorry for?"

"Everything." I said simply.

"Oh Derek. You're not still blaming yourself?" Casey questioned, "Because I told you before that..."

"No. For not think about how everyone else might feel. For not thinking of you when you're so mindful of me. For ever saying that we might be a mistake. Because I know now that if I didn't have you, I would have fallen apart by now. For..." I was rambling.

"When did you ever say we were a mistake?" Casey cut me off.

"Our first real fight as a couple. Not the ones we staged. The one when you got really frustrated with me because I refused to study for soem stupid test...it turned into this big old fight and I said it. I still remember the look on your face when I said it. I told myself that I would do whatever it took, from then on, to never cause you to look that way." I explained quickly.

"That was only, like two months in." Casey responded, "You really believed it then..."

"No, I didn't. I was just afraid. I was falling in love with you and I was scared. I had never experienced that kind of feeling before...and it scared me big time. I was afraid of what would happen if my dad and Nora found out. I was afraid they would make us stop seeing each other. I couldn't lose you." I admitted, "I was scared I would lose you."

"That's crazy, Derek. You won't lose me." Casey replied.

"No I won't, because I won't let go. Not like I let go of Marti." I said softly, "I won't lose you like I lost her."

Casey moved so she was standing in front of me, between my open legs. She came as close as she could to me. I leaned down and rested my forehead against hers, looking deep into her eyes.

"I love you too much to let you go." I whispered.

"Same here, Derek." Casey smiled.

I kissed her lightly, then she wrapped her arms around my neck pulling me closer. I kissed her deeply, with more force. I poured all the love I felt into that kiss. For her. For Marti. For my whole family. I was going to hold on to them with all my might. I wasn't going to let any of them slip away. I would keep them together. For Marti.

My hands found Casey's back and I steadied myself as I leaned forward into the kiss. I had no intention of falling off of the counter. I was almost to the point were I completely lost myself in Casey when I heard it. A sharp gasp that hadn't come from Casey or myself. I pulled away abruptly and we both looked up to see Lizzie in the doorway to the kitchen.

She visibly shook off the shock before saying, "Uh, Edwin fell asleep."

"I'll get him." I said. Casey moved aside and I hopped down from the counter.

I headed for the living rooma and didn't look back. Casey would have a better chance at explaining to Lizzie what she ahd seen. I have to say the surprise on her face was even more than my dad and Nora had shown. I would have thought it would be the other way around. But when I really thought about it, the circumstances under which they found out, probably played a part in their lack of reaction. They were focused on Marti. Discovering us was almost an afterthought in that moment. Lizzie probably never thought she would ever walk in on what she walked in on. Casey could talk her through it, easily I hoped. As Lizzie had said, Edwin was fast asleep on the couch--half hanging off it as it was. I gently shook him to try and get him up.

"Ed, Ed! Come on, time to go to bed." I spoke quietly. He sleepily obeyed, standing and heading for the stairs.

I followed behind him all the way to his room. I sat down on his bed and waited for him to change. I moved over when he came to climb in. He pulled his blankets over himself and then looked right at me.

"Things will be okay without her, right? We'll make it?" Edwin asked sincerely.

"Don't worry Edwin. We'll be okay. Together we'll make it through." I answered. I believed that. We would make it. We had to, for her.

I left Edwin and made to return downstairs, but a light on under Casey's door stopped me. I knocked softly. I didn't want to disturb her if she was still talking to Lizzie. A moment later the door opened revealing an empty room and just Casey. She tilted her head as she looked at me.

"When do you ever knock?" She asked, gesturing me inside.

As I walked in I responded, "I thought maybe you and Lizzie might still be..."

"There wasn't much to say. She caught us. I couldn't lie to her. She's a smart girl, simple answers were enough. She didn't ask many questions." Casey explained after she closed the door.

"What did she ask?" I asked sitting on the edge of her bed. Casey joined me before answering.

"How long we've been together. She voiced her surprise when I told her. She made the usual crack about you and how it couldn't be possible that you've been committed to one person for that long. She asked if Mom and George knew I told her that they found out tonight, and that they were surprised, but hadn't quite gotten around to talking to us about it. She asked if Emily knew. I told her no and that I didn't feel comfortable with the idea of her knowing when nobody else did--she might have just let it slip. She asked if Sam knew and I told her a big no. I told her I didn't even really talk to him anymore, that you didn't even really talk to him anymore and because of that we never really got around to telling him that I was in a relationship with his best friend and you were in a relationship with his ex-girlfriend. It wasn't really a road I wanted to go down. Then she asked if we broke up, so I could be with you. After I voiced my shock that she would even ask me something as personal as that, I told her no."

"Well you never explained to anyone why the two of you broke up--except me of course. He sort of just dropped out of both of our lives." I commented.

"Yeah, well I told her that Sam and I breaking up had nothing to do with us getting together. I told her there were many reasons that we did, and you were not one of them." I said. "I figured if she was to really understand how we ended up together she had to know the whole story."

"Did she ask anything else?"

"She asked why we didn't tell anyone."

"What did you say?"

"I said we were kind of afraid of what everyone would think. That in the beginning it was still new to us and being afraid to mess it up was an easy excuse. As things progressed it just got harder and harder to tell everyone...so we just didn't." Casey explianed, "I told her the truth."

I let out a soft sigh, "Edwin will know before morning."

"I know. That's why I told her she could have the honor of being the one to tell Edwin, because I knew she would be anyway." Casey nodded in agreement.

Sorrow began to seep back in as I realized, "Marti will never know."

"Yes she does. She's probably up there watching us. Wishing she was still down here with us." Casey said lacing her fingers with mine.

"You really believe that?" I asked looking at her.

"Yes. She's always going to watch over her Smerek. You meant the world to her. You were her big brother, she loved you. She'd never leave you completely." Casey knew just what to say to me to make me feel better.

"You mean the world to me, do you know that?"

"Do I, really?" Casey inquired.

"Yes you do. You are the absolute best thing that ever happened to me." I responded sincerely. "And I want you to know that I don't care what my Dad or Nora thinks. I'm not going to let you go. I'd be a fool to let you go."

"I love you too Derek." Casey laughed lightly. "When did you turn all mushy or me?"

"I am not mushy. I did not turn mushy!" I exclaimed, and Casey gave me a look that said 'yes you did.' "Okay maybe I did. Don't tell anyone, okay?"

"Okay." Casey nodded. She pulled away from me slightly so she could lay down. She patted the empty area beside her, asking me to lay with her.

"I should probably go." I murmured.

"Stay, please. I don't want to sleep alone." Casey pleaded, and stuck out her lip in a dramatic pout.

"My dad will kill me if he finds us. Nora would kill me if she found us."

"Please?" Casey sighed, and I gave in. I always give in.

I sighed and laid down next to her. She pulled her blankets over usa nd we curled up together in each other's arms. She rested her head against my chest and my arms went around her waist. Man I could get used to sleeping like this.

"Night Case." I whispered into her hair as I pressed a light kiss there.

"Night Derek." Casey reciprocated and I felt the slight rush of breath on my chest.

I hugged her tighter to me as I closed my eyes. This was all I needed. Knowing she loves me just as much as I love her, having her in my arms, being able to comfort each other through hard times. It felt good. There was no way I was letting go of that.

I don't know what I would do without her in my life--even more so than Marti. I can't even imagine what it would be like if I lost Casey. It hurt so bad to know my little sister is gone, to know she never truely got to experience life...But if it was Casey...I can't even think about it without hurting. I would have fallen apart if I didn't have her to cling to. She is my strength. I know it. I'm not going to let her go.

I was nearly asleep when I heard my dad and Nora come in. I know they aren't going to take us being together well. It isn't something they can accept right away. But I don't care. I am not going to let them take Casey from me. If there is anything I have learned from Marti, from losing her, it is that life doesn't wait around for you to experience it, it passes you right up. I'm not going to wait for them to be ready fo us. I'm ready for us now. I'm seizing life today. I'm experiencing it today. I'm not going to miss out on anything. I'm not going to let it pass me by. I'll take my chances and I'll make my mistakes, but I will live me life. I will really live it. I'll make it worthwhile. For Marti.