I own nothing.


That Butler, Omnipotent


'thoughts'

"speech"

[speech heard over telephone]

{setting/stage directions?}

*sound effect*

An entire sentence like this, without quotes, is narration for dreams or stuff like written letters.

=†=†=†=†= scene shift/time shift


{In One Of The Many Hallways of The Phantomhive Manor...}

"Aaaw, brother." Bard sighed as he stared at an electrical wire that had been chewed up. "They got us. I guess they have it bad for cable pasta. Those damned mice." Bard griped as he rummaged around, trying to fix the damage.

The chef had removed a panel from the ceiling and was perched atop a ladder, wearing a hard hat with a light on it, just like a construction worker, He also had extra cables looped over his arm in case he needed it. Finni and Mei-Rin stood next to the ladder and stared up at the chef as they watched him work. They had somehow managed to get through their other chores without causing too much mayhem today, but now they had nothing else to do. The lights had flickered in the study, so Sebastian sent them to check on the electrical wiring while he took care of a few last minute things. Chêne had wanted to go with them since as she was certain something interesting or fun would happen, but Sebastian had made her watch the dessert he had loaded into oven to make sure it did not burn. Since Chêne had an attention span the size of a gnat, it was like sentencing the poor girl to Chinese water torture. Not only would she be incredibly bored, but she had to stay in the room where she would be tempted by the mouthwatering aroma of whatever Sebastian had decided to serve the young master—and she would not even be able to taste it! Well, back to the shenanigans of the three stooges.

"It's them again, is it?" Mei-Rin asked worriedly.

"We've got lots of them this year, don't we?" Finni asked, equally concerned.

Rats were not only annoying little pests, but they could also be carriers for certain diseases. They had been the ones that spread the black plague by bringing their infected fleas into the homes of humans, and although there was no danger of that now, they could not help but be concerned for the health of their young master. Chêne got sick easily too, but she always seemed to get better faster than was normal for the average human.

"I fixed it." Bard said as he climbed down the ladder. "I heard there's an epidemic of these things in London. They're just popping up all over the place… but I didn't think they'd bother coming here, to the city's outskirts. Business will go bust if we keep having power outages so often." Bard said, annoyed, as he scratched the back of his neck.

"Business?" Mei-Rin asked, confused.

What business? Didn't they work in a Manor house? A mouse scooted across the floor behind Bard's back.

"AH!" Finni yelled in surprise. "Mouse spotted!!"

Finni grabbed a nearby bust mounted on a pedestal, and heaved it at the tiny rodent.

* WHAAM! *

"BUH! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!"" Bard yelled as he and Mei-Rin managed to dodge at the last second. They were both blue with shock from their little brush with danger. The impact from the sculpture had resulted in a dust cloud from the disintegrated marble bust that had once been attached to the pedestal.

"Squeeeek!" The mouse cried frantically as it escaped.

"Ah!" Finni said as he watched it scurry out of sight. "Oops, it got away! Tee-hee!" Finni had a silly expression on his face, sticking his tongue out at himself, and rubbing the back of his neck.

"Hoh! Hoh! Hoh!" Tanaka laughed softly in the background as he came upon the scene of destruction.

"'Tee-hee'…ain't gonna cut it!" Bard shouted, a vein popping on his forehead. Poor Mei-Rin was still a little blue with shock. "You tryin' to kill me too!? You idiot!" Bard stood up and brushed himself off. "Anyway, it's no use going at 'em directly! We have to use what we got up here!" Bard said tapping his noggin. Although he was the Phantomhive family chef, bard liked to think of himself as a brilliant strategist.

"Up here…?" Finni and Mei-Rin asked as they and Tanaka pointed to their own heads.

"We gotta really use our heads and read the enemy's movements!" Bard explained to the other three servants. They gulped, adding to the dramatic tension. "A direct assault isn't the only way to fight battles. That's right! What we need's a diversion! So here's my plan!" Bard said as he dramatically slammed a huge soup pot down in front of him. "Because there's so many of 'em now, I figure they're short on food." Bard said darkly, his eyes gleaming. "There ain't nothing as tough as starving on the battle field." (The Phantomhive manor was not a battlefield though…) "So we'll use this!" Bard said as he removed the lid from the pot to reveal a mysterious stew that had a few bones sticking out of it. It was going *glub-glub* as the thick and questionable liquid's surface bubbled, despite the fact that the pot of slop had already cooled. It looked and smelled like Chicken-pot-die. "Better known as 'Chef Bard's Home-cooking, Mice Full Speed Ahead' plan!"

"Oohhhh!" The others said in awe.

"Well! Can't expect anything less from a pro!" Bard said, enjoying the attention.

"Kaay! Then I'll… Have at it with the 'Showdown of the Archenemies, Tom and Jerry' grand plan!" Finni said excitedly as he held up a cat he had just pulled out of nowhere.

"I-I won't lose to you! Here we have the 'Once I Catch You, I Won't Let You Go, Mice Hoihoi!' grand plan!" Mei-Rin said as she swept her arm dramatically, revealing an entire section of the hallway floor that had somehow been carpeted with mousetraps.

"Hoh! Hoh! Hoh!" Tanaka said as he held up a butterfly net.

"Yaaay! All right! Then… Let the battle begin!" They cheered as they pumped their fists in the air excitedly.

=†=†=†=†=

{The Billiards room}

A stern-faced, bespectacled old man eyed the doors of the dim room that led to the hallway. A loud commotion could be heard taking place on the other side of them.

"How terribly noisy." The old man said. Two billiard balls clinked as they collided with each other on the table. "It would appear there are mice here as well." The man's words were weighted with a double meaning as he looked at the other occupants of the room that had arranged themselves in various positions around the billiards table.

They were in the middle of a game of nine-ball. Closest to the table were two men. One of the men was leaning over the table, taking aim for his next shot. He was dressed in a pinstripe suit and had dark hair, piercings, and a scar across his face. The other man, standing on the opposite side of the table, was a china man. His eyes were closed, and he had an air of the mystery of the orient about him. He was wearing traditional Chinese clothing, a tangzhuang. Leaning against the wall near the table, was Chlaus and a mysterious woman dressed in red. A few feet away from them, on the same side of the table as the man with a scar on his face, was a rather portly man lounging in a chair and enjoying a sandwich.

"How long are you planning to let the vermin roam free? All they do is forage for food and spread plagues." The rotund man said.

"'Let them roam free?' Is he not purposefully 'leaving them at large?'" The oriental man said. The woman in red smirked.

"Quite right. He always aims for the nine ball." The woman said. "Will you be passing again… Earl Phantomhive?" Ciel smirked at the woman from where he was lounging casually in his chair.

"Pass. I do not believe in shooting useless balls." Ciel said calmly. The scarred man took another shot and the balls clinked together as they collided, but he did not manage to sink any of them.

"Enough of your pompous talk." The stern old man said. "When will you carry out your extermination of the mice?"

"Right away." Ciel said. His cue stick made a tapping sound as he set it on the ground, holding it up vertically as he leaned forward in his chair. "I have already had Chlaus secure the necessities. The billiard balls clinked again as the oriental man took his turn at the table. "It will be rather a spot of bother as to find their nest and eradicate them. I hope you are prepared to pay me a tidy sum?" Ciel said patronizingly.

Ciel's eyes had a slightly predatory look to them as he smirked. The old man was sweating slightly, a little unnerved and agitated by the boy.

"…You vulture…!" The old man growled.

Ciel narrowed his eyes slightly and glared intensely at the man, his face cast partially in shadow. Those present in the room could swear the temperature of the room dropped a few degrees.

"Have you the right to insult our coats of arms?" Ciel asked darkly. "You who have spent a fortune on bloodhounds that cannot kill even a single mouse." The old man furrowed his brow and grit his teeth. What the young Earl said was true, he had no comeback.

"Too bad, that. A foul." The china man said. He sighed. "My, billiards is difficult."

"It is the Earl's turn. Will you take your shot?" The scarred man asked smirking.

"I suppose it is about time I ended this silly game." Ciel said standing up and walking towards the table. "Well?" Ciel asked as he passed the old man. "When will you have my compensation ready?"

"…B-By this evening." The man said, not pleased with the situation, but resigned to do what he had to.

"Very well." Ciel said as he leaned over the pool table to take his shot. "I shall have a carriage pick you up later, and I shall be waiting with high tea at the ready for you, Sir." Ciel said condescendingly.

The old man grit his teeth, seething. High tea was, traditionally, an early evening meal for the lower classes, not something normally served to the guest of a noble. Ciel positioned his cue stick so that it was aimed at a path that would allow him to win the game.

"Three balls left, and you're aiming for the nine ball?" the rotund man in the chair asked.

"Of course." Ciel smirked.

"Let's see the skill of this game prodigy for ourselves!" the rotund man laughed. Chlaus smirked, knowing full well what Ciel was capable of.

"Greed shall prove to be your downfall... Ciel!" The stern old man said.

"Ha!" Ciel laughed as he struck the cue ball with his stick. The balls slammed together, knocking each other into the corner pockets. "Greed, hmm…?" Ciel mused as the all-important nine ball rolled into the pocket.

* Clink! Thud! *


I did not name anyone in the billiards room other tha Ciel and Chlaus because in the manga, the others' names weren't revealed yet, and I thought maybe it was more mysterious this way? I also know that in the manga Finni says different names for the 'archenemies' in the title of his plan for catching mice, but I changed it because the original joke was a reference to 'Tom and Jerry' anyway. So yeah, like I said at the beginning, I own nothing. Don't sue me, please.