¡Warning! The language gets a little more mature in this chapter. Also, someone asked me if this was a Ciel AND Sebastian fic. The answer is no. This is supposed to be a SebastianXOC romance fic, but it might seem like there's a hint of Ciel in there since I wanted him to think of Chêne as a weird older sister that he cares about and trusts, but would never admit it out loud since Chêne thinks of him as a bratty but cute little brother. Ciel and Chêne like each other in a dysfunctional sibling kind of way. I'm sorry for the confusion. ^_^;

I own nothing.


That Butler, Most Evil


'thoughts'

"speech"

[speech heard over telephone]

{setting/stage directions?}

*sound effect*

An entire sentence like this, without quotes, is narration for dreams or stuff like written letters.

=†=†=†=†= scene shift/time shift


"Phantomhive's bouncer is on his way!" Vanel shouted furiously. "Hold the gates. Don't let a single mouse in!" The men scrambled to get their weapons ready. "This is an emergency! Don't stand around twiddling your thumbs! Stop him no matter what!"

=†=†=†=†=

Sebastian calmly walked toward the Mafioso's H.Q.

=†=†=†=†=

"Don't let that bastard set one foot in here!" A few men yelled zealously as they ran outside to secure the perimeter. They didn't even notice Sebastian was already walking up the stairs as they ran past him.

"Quickly!" Henchman A yelled.

"Pick up the pace!" Henchman B shouted.

"I Say! What a splendid manor!" Sebastian said, deciding to stop and mess with them since he felt that getting in had been far too easy.

"Wha…!?" They yelled as all fifteen henchmen turned to see Sebastian standing there ever so innocently.

"Who the fuck are you!?" Henchman B demanded.

"—The hell'd you get in 'ere!?" Henchman A yelled.

"Hmm… You seem to be rather busy." Sebastian said innocently. "Might you be expecting someone—"

"What business doe a butler have here!? Which family are you from!?" Henchman B demanded as they circled Sebastian and pointed their guns at him.

"Me?'" Sebastian asked in feigned surprise. "Aah, forgive me for not introducing myself. I… work for the Phantomhive family." Sebastian said, smirking sinisterly.

=†=†=†=†=

{The Phantomhive Manor Downstairs: The Kitchen}

"Haah… Wherever did Mister Sebastian get to?" Mei-Rin wondered out loud.

"Yeeeah…" Finni sighed.

"He said he had an errand to run." Chêne said, acting bored so that the others wouldn't worry.

"I don't care where he is or what he's doin'… but… there is one problem!" Bard said seriously.

'Could he have figured it out…?' Chêne wondered.

"This pie!" Bard said grandly, motioning to the pie Sebastian had passed to him that was now sitting innocently on the kitchen counter. Chêne sweat dropped.

'Yeah… that figures.' Chêne thought chagrined.

"Since he said 'take care of it,' does that mean we can eat it! Or can we not!? Which one is it!?" Bard shouted.

"But since he went off and left us with it, maybe it's okay to have a bite?" Finni said dreamily as he drooled at the thought of eating the delicious pie. "Smells yummy."

"I don't see why not." Chêne said. "It's just going to go to waste if we don't."

"You idiots!" Bard yelled. Chêne's brow twitched in irritation at the insult. "You've never had to suffer it before Chêne, but making the wrong choice… means ending up with a special triple-decker ice cream scoop on your head!" Chêne sweat dropped.

'He punishes you by giving you three lumps on the head so often, that you've named it?' Chêne thought wryly.

"Think! What'll he do!? It's as plain as black or white!" Bard said dramatically.

=†=†=†=†=

Sebastian paused to check the time on his silver pocket watch as the bloody and beaten henchmen groaned in pain from where they lay on the ground after Sebastian had finished with them.

"Do forgive me… but as I am rather pressed for time—" Sebastian said as he snapped his pocket watch closed. Sebastian entered the H.Q. 'Half past five… I am cutting it quite close.' Sebastian thought as he opened the door to the next room to find himself face with a whole room full of gunmen.

"He's here! Fiiiiiiire!" Another henchman called as they all opened fire on the demon butler. Sebastian easily dodged.

'Hmm… Chêne was right. It appears these humans are using guns that automatically load the next round, allowing them to fire multiple bullets rapidly. My, how humans have improved these weapons since the last time I saw them. Sebastian grabbed the round serving tray he had brought with him and threw it through the air, like a discus. It whizzed threw the air in a graceful arc, slicing fingers and weapons—rendering many of his attackers unconscious or unable to fight.

"Son of a bitch!" Another henchman yelled as he led another attack group against Sebastian, holding axes and lead pipes. Sebastian grabbed a nearby coat rack, and twirled it around, using it to beat down all who opposed him. Sebastian set the coat rack back down and flipped open his pocket watch. He reached up and caught the serving tray as it flew back into his hand.

"5:34pm." Sebastian said, reading the time on his watch.

=†=†=†=†=

"So… I'm thinking of making gumbo or jambalaya tonight, since it doesn't look like Sebastian's going to be back in time to cook supper." Chêne said. "What do you think, Finni?" A vein mark popped on Bard's forehead.

'Don't these guys know I'm tryin' to concentrate here?' Bard thought, irritated.

"Hmm… I don't know. They're both so yummy… let's flip a coin!" Finni suggested. Another vein mark popped on Bard's head.

'Apparently not…' Bard thought. Mister Tanaka took a sip of his tea and did his Santa laugh. "Geeeeez! You're being too noisy! Can't you talk with your inside voices!?" Bard yelled.

"Bard, you ought not to get cranky. You mustn't be getting enough calcium. Here, drink." Mei-Rin said as she slammed a bottle of milk down on the counter in front of Bard.

"Keh! Forget that… Seriously, where the heck did that guy go!?" Bard asked, still fuming over the whole pie scenario. If only he could ask Sebastian…

"Don't underestimate milk!" Mei-Rin scolded him.

"Yeah, listen to Mei-Rin, Bard." Chêne said, smiling cheekily at him. "If you drink lots of milk, your bones will grow strong!"

=†=†=†=†=

* CRACK * SNAP! *

"GYAAAAAAAH!" a man screamed as Sebastian twisted his arm and broke it. Sebastian dropped the man and he passed out from the pain. Sebastian walked up to the large pair of doors leading to the next room and opened them, revealing a grand dining hall. The table had been set and everything.

"There he is! Kill him!" Someone shouted. Sebastian looked up to see men armed with guns lining the balcony overhead. They opened fire on him. Sebastian held the serving tray in front of him, using it as a shield as he jumped onto the dinning table.

"Tch! He's hopping around like a jackrabbit!" a man shouted in irritation as they kept trying to shoot Sebastian. Sebastian grabbed the plates on the table and hurled them at his attackers, taking out most of the men on the balcony when the plates smashed into their heads. A man suddenly came up behind Sebastian and lunged at him with an axe. Sebastian kicked the man, and he fell backwards, off the table.

"Get all the guys in the west wing! We'll turn him into Swiss cheese!" Another man yelled as he reloaded his gun and began shooting at Sebastian again. Sebastian sighed and looked at the man the same way a parent would at a child who just couldn't learn from their mistakes. This was turning into such a bore.

"Just one mouse after another… I am not making the least bit of progress… This will never do." Sebastian said as he flipped open his pocket watch. "5:38pm."

=†=†=†=†=

"—All Right! I've made up my mind! I can't take it anymore! It's all Sebastian's fault. He shoulda been clear! I'm eating this!" Bard declared dramatically. A vein popped on his forehead and his eyes gleamed in a conniving way. "We were forced to wait, so we'll drink expensive tea as interest! Mei-Rin, tea! Finni, get the silver!"

"Yes, Sirree~!" Finni and Mei-Rin said as they and Tanaka saluted him. Chêne sweat dropped.

'First of all, you're the reason we had to wait. Second… if you're so afraid of getting a 'triple-decker ice cream scoop' on your head, why are you doing something you know will definitely piss Sebastian off… like drinking the expensive tea?' Chêne thought. She had already given up waiting for Bard to make up his mind and was currently cooking supper. The others were at least staying out of her way, since they were all still in the kitchen. She had decided on jambalaya since she was feeling too lazy to go to the market and buy the seafood she would need for the gumbo. Chêne had also taken the liberty of sending a note to Lord Randall. She had realized that even if Sebastian did manage to get back in time, Ciel probably wouldn't want to deal with anyone after going through such an ordeal, so the note explained to Lord Randall that urgent business had come up, and Ciel sent his deepest apologies for not being able to keep their appointment and that he would be happy to reschedule at a time that was more convenient. Of course, she had worded it after Ciel's own fashion and forged his handwriting since Lord Randall would suspect something if he received a note from the maid. Chêne figured Ciel wouldn't want anyone to know someone had caught him by surprise, or that he was currently playing damsel in distress.

"Let's see… the silverware should be… huh?" Finni said when he opened the drawer that should have contained the silverware.

"Is something wrong?" Mei-Rin asked.

"How odd. It should be in here, but… The silver's all gone. There's nothing left in here but spoons." Finni said, feeling puzzled. Chêne sweat dropped again.

'I guess I should have made gumbo after all.' Chêne thought. '… But I think I know where the silverware went…'

=†=†=†=†=

Sebastian flung his both his hands to side and the silver knives and forks slide out from his sleeves and into his hands. The demon butler held the silverware in between his fingers, like a ninja holding kunai. There was an air of deadly calm around the butler as he threw the silverware at his intended victims with deadly accuracy.

"What the hell!?" A man cried right before knife embedded itself in his forehead. Sebastian smirked sinisterly as he continued his attack while dodging a hailstorm of bullets.

"Gyaaah!" Another one of his victims cried.

"Who the hell is this bastard!?" Another man yelled as he continued to fire. Sebastian leaped into the air and flipped in mid-air, stunning the humans below him.

"I am the butler of the Phantomhive family. It goes without saying that such minor feats are within my repertoire." Sebastian said as he took out the last men still standing. The chandelier creaked when Sebastian landed on it. He was now hanging from the chandelier like a bat, the tails on his coat fell down, framing him. Their silhouette looked like bat wings. "Heavens. That was unexpectedly time-consuming." Sebastian said and jumped down from the chandelier, flipping open his pocket watch once more. "5:43pm."