Sara sat up, looking at Grissom as if he were crazy.
What's wrong with him? Sara thought, wondering what the hell had gone so wrong when they were going so well in the first place.
Grissom, on the other hand--his thoughts weren't so chrystal clear. In fact, it was more like the clarity of tar. It was turmoil inside his head. There was so many things going on. He wanted to go further with her, he really did...but on the other hand there were so many more good reasons not to...
"Grissom, what are you talking about?" She asked, still a little breathless. He blew air out of his mouth and his body seemed to melt as his shoulders slumped. The fire she'd seen in his eyes turned down into small embers.
"Sara, I can't so this." He repeated. The way he'd seen her, the way he'd seen all of the other women who'd been hurt my men…it scared him. It scared him to know how much power he had, and he couldn't help but feel responsible for not using his power to help them.
"I…I don't want to hurt you," He said, not looking her in the eyes. She reached out a hand and ran it along the line of his beard, wondering what was going on in his head.
"What do you mean? I know you'd never hurt me," Sara said softly. He grabbed her hand with his.
"Do you? Is that why you became an alcoholic?" He said bitterly. Her eyebrows sunk further toward her eyes.
"Look at me." She said, forcing him to look into her brown eyes.
"My drinking problems are over. They have nothing to do with this. Grissom," She pleaded, her eyes watering, "You make me happy. Please …" She pleaded, not knowing what exactly she was pleading for. Maybe for Grissom to start making some sense…
His hand, still around her wrist, squeezed a little tighter.
"Sara, just then…just then I didn't see you beneath me…Sara, I saw Charlotte Connors. And I felt like Heath Michaels. And it scared the living shit outta me."
"What!" Sara shook her head in confusion, "…you're saying that you think you'd hurt me like that…this is about what he said, isn't it?" Grissom swallowed and blinked at her.
"Geez, Griss. He was just some crazy psychopath. You're not like that! God, Grissom, you're not. You'd never hurt me like that. And you better damn know that I wouldn't hurt you," She said, a small fierce tone in her voice, "You're being entirely irrational! You hear me? You. Would. Never. Hurt. Me." She said, putting extra emphasis on the 'never'.
Grissom shook his head, as if trying to rid himself of such thoughts about hurting Sara. He honestly didn't want to hurt her in any way whatsoever, but he was still caught up in the chance that maybe someday he would and she'd end up hating him. It seemed that she'd talked some sense in to him.
"Sara…" He exhaled, lowering their hands to the bed, "I just don't want you to end up hating me. And I know that sounds dumb, but I really do…I care about you so much…"
Sara smiled a sad-looking smile of understanding. She was about to open her mouth when he interrupted her.
"Yeah. I know. You won't hate me." He said, smiling at being able to read her mind, "But still, I can't do this…"
"Why not? What are you afraid of?" She asked.
"Now? Nothing. Its just…I don't want it to happen this way, honey. I…I want it to be perfect. I want us to spend time together, talk about things. I want you to call me Gil and I want to just be with you…" he said, slowly.
Sara just nodded, tears still watering her eyes. This time, though, they weren't the sad kind. Both of their hands met between them, her small, pale ones and his big, warm ones.
"And when the time comes, I want everything to be just right…the way things happened just now…" Grissom said, thinking of the past twenty minutes, "It was…well it was enjoyable, but I think if we do things right it can be ten times better."
"I think you're getting the hang of this experiment thing," She said, kissing his lips slowly and caringly, "But will you at least stay with me tonight?"
He nodded and reached his arms around her to give her a gentle bear hug. They stayed like that for a while; sitting up in Sara's bed, moonlight pouring through the curtains and illuminating Sara's pale face and Grissom's shirtless torso, each touching the other in a warm embrace.
Both could not believe it was happening. It finally caught up with both what they were doing. Sara was finally in the arms of the man she loved, in her bed. She'd waited seven years for this. And Grissom…well Grissom didn't think that he'd ever end up in her bedroom. Sure, maybe he'd fantasized about it a few times…okay, more than a few times, but he never actually thought he'd have the guts to go through with it.
"Grissom?" Sara mumbled into his warm, bare chest after a moment.
"Hmm?"
"Do you wanna talk for a while or something?"
"Sure," He said, his hand tracing patterns on her back and playing with her silky dark hair.
"What do you want to talk about?" She said, snuggling closer.
"Anything that is unrelated to Charlotte Connors, work, or the Lab," He said, placing a small but chaste kiss on her jawline. She smiled. Maybe it was good to talk about something light after what had just happened. The weight of the situation was getting a little heavy.
"What don't talk about us. You." He proposed.
"What do you want to know?" She asked, pulling away so that they were sitting across from each other, just staring into the other's eyes in the moonlight.
"Hmm…What do you like most about me?" He asked, throwing her off-guard with one of his weird flirting comments. As usual. Sara smiled at him sweetly.
"Hmm. Physically – your eyes. But other than that I like your intensity…I find it incredibly sexy…" Sara said tauntingly. He quirked his eyebrows at her.
"Oh, and that too," She added.
"What?"
"That thing you do with your eyebrows." She answered. He pouted his lips.
"And that."
"What is it this time?" He asked, both amused and bemused by their little game.
"Your lips. When you pout them…they make me want to ki--"
She was about to say 'kiss you' when those gorgeous lips she'd been in the midst of talking about covered her own. They kissed for a moment when Grissom pulled away.
"Anything else to add?" He asked, quirking his eyebrows and pouting at the same time.
"Everything," She laughed. The weight had definately lifted.
"Well, that's not fair," Grissom said playfully, "I asked you what you liked about me most. You can't say everything. It's against the rules."
"Fine then. What do you like about me the most?"
"Everything."
Then she laughed, flopping down into her pillows. Grissom did the same. Around then, it was when she realized that although she'd been disappointed at first about Grissom's decision not to go any further, she now realized that they didn't need to have sex to forget all thoughts or worries about work, or Nick's accident, or her parents. She didn't need sex to forget her lifefor a moment.
Sara had found the cure for the feelings caused by the horrible cases she saw every day...and this time, it wasn't alcohol. She smiled to herself, snuggling closer to her antidote. She was surprised when his arm came to rest upon her flat stomach.She felt like a small fire was burning inside of her, confirming her thoughts.
I love him.
I could do this until the day I die…Thought Grissom, enjoying the radiating warmth of Sara beside him. She'd surprised him by snuggling her back into his chest. He'd surprised her back by wrapping a warm arm around her. He lay there like that, listening to her soft breaths as she fell asleep and inhaling the soft scent that was Sara. As much as he tried, he couldn't decipher what exactly it was.
Then he got to thinking about what had just happened…the taste of her, the feel of her, the sounds she made when he kissed her and he touched her. It had been amazing. They'd almost…done the unthinkable. Well, not-so-unthinkable anymore.
But in some odd, sort of un-stereotypical masculine way, he was glad that they hadn't. It wasn't that he didn't want to, or that he wasn't ready…it was just he wasn't the type of person who had spur-of-the-moment, consequences-be-damned sex.
At least not the first time. He thought to himself, imagining him and Sara actually being together as--dare he say it--a couple. But for their first time together, he wanted to make love Sara; to take it slow and make it mean something, to make sure that she knew exactly how much he felt for her. He wanted to whisper sweet nothings in her ear, to be able to be called a "we"instead of just an "I".
He lay there, drifting off and feeling warm and happy, and surprisingly satisfied with himself. Although they hadn't made love as in the normal sense, they'd made love in the literal way.He lay there thinking about the beautiful brunette in his arms and what his life would be like with her, now that he'd finally made a decision to move on together. And before he knew it, he was asleep, all thoughts of Charlotte Connors and her case out of his head.
a/n: sorry if i disappointed anyone. i hope my attempt at expressing grissom's many feelings came out okay. im not sure if i got the whole thing across, but basically i tried to convey his wants and needs and all that...but it was harder than i thought. he's a very confusing man after all. this was one of the hardest chapters to write.i have a feeling you guys wont be very happy with my decision to make him copp out. but i'll try not to dissappoint you in later chapters. i'm waiting to write the 'perfect moment'! please tell me what you think.
