Today is the day, I kept telling myself. Many more people were involved in the search today, and we all stood around the car, waiting for Rick or Shane to come over and give us an idea of where to search. All I knew was that I was supposed to be joining Andrea and T-Dog on the search today.
We're going to find her.
Rick joined us around the car, standing next to me. Shane grabbed a tool from the car that looked like a mix between a crowbar, hammer and axe. I don't know, some kind of multi-tool. He flipped it in his hands and walked over to the car door, opening it to sit down. I assumed that he wanted to sit because his ankle was still hurting.
"Morning, guys. Let's get going; we've got a lot of ground to cover," Rick opened his map, laying it down on the bonnet. "All right, everyone's getting new search grids today. If she made it as far as the farmhouse Daryl and Ace found, she might have gone further east than we've been so far."
"I'd like to help," Jimmy walked over to join us. "I know the area pretty well and stuff."
I noticed that Rick looked sceptical. He was quiet for a moment, placing his hands on his belt, and he turned to Jimmy, "Hershel's okay with this?" He asked.
"Yeah, yeah. He said I should ask you," Jimmy insisted.
I was surprised that Hershel would agree to let Jimmy join us. It seemed like he wanted to keep his family separate from our group.
Maybe he was having a change of heart?
I doubt it.
"Alright then," Rick nodded. "Thanks."
Jimmy smiled, glancing at me when Rick agreed. I returned his smile, before looking back at the others for further instructions on the search. I really wanted to get started as soon as possible.
Shane was sitting in the doorway of the car, facing away from the rest of the group. "Nothing about what Daryl found screams Sophia to me. Anyone could have been holed up in that farmhouse."
I wanted to argue with him, but I didn't. I bit my tongue, glancing down at the map to hide my annoyance. Why was he being so pessimistic? This was the best lead we've ever had on finding Sophia, and he was just going to complain about it? Sure, it was only small, but it was something.
Then again, it was Shane, and he always had to point out all the bad things when people were finally building up hope. And by people, I meant myself. Shane was a buzz kill for me at least.
"Anybody includes her, right?" Andrea asked, and for once, I was glad she said something.
Okay, that sounded mean. It's a good thing I don't say much of my monologue out loud, or I would always be in so much trouble.
"Whoever slept in that cupboard was no bigger than yay-high," Daryl held up his arm to show them, just as he had done with me the day before.
"Good lead," Andrea said, nodding at Daryl.
Rick nodded. "Maybe we'll pick up her trail again."
"No maybe about it. I'm gonna borrow a horse, head up to this ridge right here, take a bird's-eye view of the whole grid," he pointed down at the map, dragging his finger across the paper. "If she's up there, I'll spot her."
Dale walked over to join us at the car, bringing the duffle bag filled with guns over from the caravan. He placed it down on the bonnet next to Daryl, and peered down at the map as Daryl explained what he was going to do.
It was as good an idea as any, I assumed. With my minimal knowledge on tracking, I had to believe that everything he was saying was the only thing to listen to. It's not like Rick or Shane knew much about tracking.
I looked at Daryl, thinking over his plan to take a horse. "Have you asked Hershel already? If you haven't I'll go ask him quickly, for you."
Daryl shook his head. "It's fine, I got it."
I felt myself frown, and I stared at him for a moment. "You got permission, or you're getting the horse?"
"Whatever."
My lips pressed into a thin line, finally tearing my eyes from him, and not hiding any disbelief in my expression. Hershel seemingly wanted to keep us seperate, and now Daryl was planning on stealing one of his horses.
What if something happened?
I had to say something.
"Not whatever, I'm just trying to understand your words, it's not my fault you don't speak properly," I didn't mean for that to sound so harsh, but Daryl didn't seem to care as he pulled his button-up shirt over his shoulders. I continued, knowing that his idea wasn't right, and it would only get us in trouble with Hershel. "Did you even ask? I'm not sure Hershel would appreciate it if one of his horses were just missing."
"What does it matter?" Daryl finally snapped. "I'm jus' getting a damn horse, 'nough with the naggin' already."
"Daryl, you can't just take a horse!"
"My God! Knock it off, you two!" T-Dog exclaimed exasperatedly. "We're not letting them go together, right?"
Rick chuckled from behind me.
I glanced around, suddenly aware that everyone else was still here and listening to me and Daryl bickering. I continued anyway, turning back to Daryl. "I only offered to get permission to save time! This isn't our home, we can't just go around taking horses."
Dale was the first one to agree. "She's got a point."
"I'll ask him," I said finally.
Daryl shrugged. "Fine, I'll be looking up there either way."
"Yeah, maybe you'll see your chupacabra up there too," T-Dog mocked.
Rick turned to T-Dog. "Chupacabra?"
I also felt as confused as Rick. "What?"
"You never heard this?" Dale asked. "Our first night in camp, before Ace joined, Daryl tells us that the whole thing reminds him of a time when he went squirrel hunting in the woods, and he saw a chupacabra."
Jimmy tried to stifle his laugh, and I just stared at Daryl with the utmost confusion. A chupacabra? Really? I had no belief in Daryl's story, and I had to refrain from asking what he had eaten that day to make him believe that he saw a chupacabra.
I assume Rick had the same expression as me, because Daryl looked at him and said, "What are you braying at, jackass?"
Rick placed his hands on his belt, "You believe in a blood-sucking dog?"
Daryl shrugged his shoulders, taking one of the guns that Dale placed on the bonnet of the car. "You believe dead people walking around?"
Jimmy reached for one of the guns, but Rick grabbed the gun before he could. "Hey, hey. Ever fire one before?"
"Well, if I'm going out, I want one," Jimmy argued.
"Yeah, and people in hell want slurpees," Daryl scoffed.
Shane stood up, turning around to look at us. "Why don't you come train tomorrow? If you're serious, I'm a certified instructor."
Training tomorrow?
It was the first I was hearing about it, but I didn't sit around with the group the night before, so I probably missed him telling the group. I knew I needed to join, as much as I hated guns, I had to learn to shoot. It seemed like a necessity. My only problem was that I knew I was going to be shit.
Hopefully, their attention would be on anyone else while we were practising so no one would see how awful I was. Yeah, like that would happen. The only thing I could really hope for is that everyone suddenly became blind. That would help.
Andrea took her own handgun. "For now, he can come with us."
I glanced at her and smiled. Jimmy was nice enough, and seeing as we had so little people around, we needed all the help we could get.
"He's yours to babysit then," Shane said.
Again, I was annoyed with the way Shane was acting, but I had to remind myself that he did just lose Otis two days ago. When he was saying what happened it sounded awful, and I could never imagine seeing anyone die like he did. Shane was probably struggling with being there when it happened, and I knew that if that happened in front of me, I would be a little off too.
"When everyone heads out to their grids, you need to mark the area," Rick said. "I've given T-Dog some blue cloth to nail to trees in the grid so everyone can see where they've searched, to stop anyone else from getting lost. That's the last thing we need right now."
They all nodded.
"T," Rick pointed back at the map, "you, Andrea, Ace and Jimmy will check this grid. Once it's done, come back here and mark it off. We'll get some more grids tomorrow then."
"Sure thing."
"Got it," Andrea said.
"Everyone gather up your things, and then head out to your grids," Rick said, rolling up the map. "Stay safe out there."
T-Dog gave a nod. "Will do."
"I'll be there in a second," I announced before leaving quickly to find Hershel.
I knew I needed to ask for permission before Daryl was able to steal a horse, just to keep us in Hershel's good books. I knew that he would, there was no doubt in my mind. Hershel was already so inconvenienced by us just being there, and taking one of his horses would be just plain rude.
Hershel in one of the sheds on the farm, filling what looked to be a generator with fuel. It looked pretty old, if I was being honest. I stared at the generator for a few seconds that I actually had forgotten what I was there for. I glanced back up at Hershel, but he hadn't noticed me standing there yet.
"Sir?" I pressed my lips together, changing my mind on my greeting as soon as it left my mouth. "Mr. Greene?"
"Yes, miss . . ." He trailed off, realising that he didn't actually know my name.
"I'm Ace," I stated. "Ace Daniels."
I figured that Hershel would be more proper and may probably want to address me by my last name. With this being the first time I had spoken to him, I didn't actually know what he was like. All I knew was that I was eternally grateful because he saved Carl, so I was going to be polite.
"Ace," he repeated.
Before asking for a horse, I wanted to express my gratitude to him. "I wanted to thank you for what you're doing for Carl, and my group. What you've done is just so amazing. Thank you for letting us stay."
"Well, I was just doing the Christian thing," Hershel told me.
"Still," I smiled, "if you ever need any help around the farm, I'm willing to do anything. Help you out."
"That is generous, but I'm sure that once the boy is better and you've found the girl, your group will be on their way," Hershel said, which made me frown. Leave? "Rick was telling me about Fort Benning."
I never expected us to stay here forever, because this wasn't our land, but Hershel was talking like we'd be leaving in a few days. My mouth hung open for a second, and I didn't really know how I was supposed to respond.
Hershel stared at me for a second. "Did you need anything, Ace?"
I forced my mouth closed and nodded slowly. "Yeah . . . Well, it's not actually me . . . But one of the people in my group, Daryl, wants to borrow a horse to look for Sophia. Would it be okay if he took one of the horses?"
Stupid awkward rambling.
I had to remove any disappointment from my face from what he had just said, knowing that we would just have to carry onto Fort Benning, wherever the hell that was. I really didn't want to be on the road again, especially not after everything that happened on the motorway.
Hershel took a moment to think about what I was asking, before he finally nodded. "He can, but be sure to tell him that the horse with a brown mane and white mark on her face is Nelly, as in 'Nervous Nelly'. If she gets scared she'll throw him, so he should take the other one."
I tried taking in all the information through my anxiety.
Brown mane, white mark, jitterish.
"Okay, I'll tell him," I said, barely bringing a smile to my face to be polite. "Thank you Mr. Greene."
"Please," he raised a hand. "Call me Hershel."
I nodded. "Thank you, Hershel. I should probably go and tell Daryl which horse to take now."
I left quickly, feeling like I was about to explode. Everyone in camp thought we were staying, they were all so happy to be somewhere safe, and Hershel wanted us to leave. That part was obvious to me. Why would he bring it up if not to lower my hopes when he finally asked us to go. I pushed the thoughts to the back of my mind.
Entering the stables, I saw that Daryl was opening one of the gates to get a horse out. It took me a second to realise that he was taking out the one with the brown mane and a white mark on its face.
Nervous Nelly.
"Hey, wait!" I stopped him quickly.
Daryl looked annoyed, but turned around to look at me anyway. "What?"
I ignored his obvious attitude to pass along my information. "Hershel said don't take that one because she'll throw you off if she gets scared, so you have to take the other one."
Daryl glanced back at the horse, and then to me. Without another word, he backed the horse into the stable and closed the gate, moving his things over to the second stable so he could get the horse ready.
"You know, you could've gotten really hurt today if the horse had thrown you. I think I need an apology."
Daryl only scoffed out a response, and I was sure that if he hadn't already pulled the other horse from the stables, that he would've taken Nelly on the run just to spite me. I kept quiet and watched him tie the horse up to put on the saddle and get it ready to ride.
"I'm going to go, I think T and Andrea are waiting," I said, "be careful."
Again, Daryl didn't answer, but I took his silence as my cue to leave. Daryl had never been chatty, and I wasn't expecting anything different here. I walked away from the stables and back towards the cars that were ready to leave for the run.
I saw that Jimmy was also walking to the car after grabbing some things for the run. T-Dog and Andrea were leaning against the vehicle as they waited and talked. They straightened up when they saw us, and Andrea walked around the car to sit in the passenger side.
"Come on, Rick and Shane left already," he said.
I grinned. "Okay, Theodore."
"Are we still on that?" I could hear his eyes rolling when he sat down.
"We're never going to be off that."
T-Dog drove us down one of the lanes so we could look through our grid. The only thing I had to go off of for a location were trees, which meant that I had no idea where we were, as usual. He grabbed a hammer and some of the cloth that Rick gave him before stepping out of the car.
Andrea checked that her gun was loaded before she followed T-Dog and exited the car, "Come on, kids. Stick close."
Me and Jimmy got out of the car and caught up to them. I walked next to T-Dog, watching as he stopped at one of the trees and nailed the cloth into the bark. Hopefully, they knew where they were going.
I didn't realise Jimmy was standing next to me until I looked over to search for Sophia and he was there. His eyes scanned the forest, but he didn't say anything to me as we all kept walking.
T-Dog walked ahead to hammer another piece of cloth into a tree.
I stopped alongside Jimmy. He was just looking around for Sophia as we waited. I pursed my lips, thinking of a way to start a conversation. The awkward silence was killing me. "I didn't get to say thanks, by the way. It's nice that you want to help. It really means a lot."
Jimmy shrugged modestly, turning to look at me with a smile. "Well, I've lived around here my whole life, I thought I could be useful."
"It's still really nice," I said. "Thank you."
Talking to Jimmy only reminded me of what Hershel told me. I wondered if he knew that Hershel wanted us gone, whether Hershel had told anyone in his family. They were all acting really nice, and none of them acted like we would be leaving any time soon. That didn't matter, though, I knew it was whatever Hershel said goes.
We continued walking for a bit, and I could tell everyone was losing hope.
"I don't see her," Andrea stated.
"Me either," T agreed. "This is the end of our grid; we should start heading back now."
The grid didn't take very long to search, maybe an hour at most, which left me a little disappointed when it was time to go back. It took even less time to walk back through the woods and to the car.
I wanted to stay and search some more of the grids, but apparently, we were only resigned to simple and very specific tasks. I kept quiet on the ride home, annoyed that we couldn't keep looking and upset that Sophia was still out there.
Maybe Rick and Shane found her, I told myself. Or Daryl.
For all I knew, one of the other groups had already found her, and she was back at the farm safe and sound. Back with Carol and Carl, back with people who love her where she was sheltered.
Except I was wrong, as usual. Neither Rick, Shane or Daryl had returned when we made it back, and all the hope that I had built up in the car ride back was rubbish.
Andrea went to talk to Hershel when we got back, and T-Dog had also left us to mark the grid off of the map. Me and Jimmy walked back into the camp.
"Thanks again for coming," I smiled.
"It's no problem," he told me, "really."
We were so focused on our conversation that I almost missed that Hershel was marching over to us. He looked annoyed, or frustrated, and he wouldn't even look at me when he was finally standing in front of us.
"Jimmy," Hershel looked annoyed. "Where have you been?"
"I was helping them look for the little girl," Jimmy answered, his voice unwavering.
I frowned, looking at Hershel. "I'm sorry, I thought you knew?"
Hershel ignored that I had even spoken, and I looked over to Jimmy. He definitely told Rick that Hershel was okay with him joining us on the search, which meant that Jimmy had lied to Rick earlier that day.
I looked back over at Jimmy, "You said you told him."
Hershel spoke, still ignoring that I even existed. "I need to speak to you inside."
Jimmy said a small bye as he followed Hershel back to the house. I couldn't really do or say anything to defend Jimmy, other than he just wanted to help, but he had lied to both Hershel and Rick.
I was sure that Hershel was going to complain about the issue to Rick, because he was the one in charge and let Jimmy join the run, in Hershel's eyes. After everything, with what Hershel said earlier that morning, I was just glad that I asked permission for the horse before Daryl just took one.
I walked back to camp, dumping my bag back in my tent. Inside my tent, I saw that my book was laying on my pillow from where I was reading it the night before. Taking the book, I walked back to the logs in front of the tents and sat down on one of them, quietly reading my book.
No one was around, so I just sat there quietly and waited for the rest of the groups to come back with better news than what we had. It wouldn't be long before Rick, Shane and Daryl came back to camp. I waited near to where they parked the cars so I would be able to see each of their return.
Rick and Shane were the first people to come back, and neither of them looked happy. Rick handed Shane his gun, and Shane reluctantly took the weapon back to the RV to be packed away. Rick stormed past me and straight to Lori, who came out from the house when she heard the car returning.
Shane exited the RV and walked away from the house and past me through camp. He didn't even look at me as he marched past. His jaw was tight and he was clearly frustrated. I didn't know whether to ask what was wrong or leave him alone.
I was worried that maybe they had found Sophia in the worst way, but there was no sadness shown by either of them. Only anger and frustration, like they were mad at something, but the only thing they could really be mad at alone was each other.
"What happened?"
Shane ignored the question, didn't even look back. I decided it was best to give him some space, knowing that they probably just had a rough day. I wouldn't want to push.
I looked back over at Rick, who was now called away from Lori by Beth. She said something that I couldn't hear, which made Rick walk away to where he had pointed out. She then said a few things to Lori, who walked away and back towards the house.
I guessed that she was going to sit with Carl, but I had no idea where Rick was going. Hershel had been where Beth sent Rick, so maybe Beth was telling him that he wanted to speak to Hershel.
Beth smiled when she saw me, but walked back to the house, and quickly went inside. I still had nothing to do, so I just sat around for a while.
Rick returned around fifteen minutes later, walking past me and glancing around. He stopped when he saw me sitting there, book in my hands. "Where's Lori?"
"In the house," I said. "I think she's with Carl."
Rick nodded, placing his hands on his belt. Something was still bothering him, and I was worried. Whatever it was couldn't have had anything to do with him finding Sophia, because they would have told the group by now. Still, I was concerned about Rick.
"Are you okay?" I asked. "Did something happen?"
I could see that he was torn between telling me or keeping it to himself. "Just something Shane said."
Rick was restless. It was like he couldn't just sit down or take a break, he needed to be doing something, even if it were just pacing back and forth in the middle of camp. After a while, he just forced himself to sit down, but he was still fidgety, kept bouncing his knees or looking over his shoulders.
I could relate to that, I hated feeling useless. I didn't know what to say to make him feel any better, so I kept my mouth shut and just waited for him to cool off a little. He tried playing it like he wasn't angry, but I could see that he was.
Rick stood, and moved to walk past me.
I stopped him. "Where are you going?"
He was quiet for a moment, like he really didn't know the answer, but he stopped and thought of something to say so he wasn't rude. "I'm going to search some more grids."
The fact that he didn't mention anyone else did not escape me. Since Rick had organised the search he was worried about people going anywhere alone, and I could see that he still felt uneasy leaving Daryl by himself. But now he was just going off into the woods alone, which concerned me.
"Do you want me to come?" I questioned slowly, raising my eyebrows. Again, he was quiet, thinking of an answer. I knew that I was probably not the best partner, but he was clearly very upset with Shane. "You wanted this search organised, right? It's dangerous to go anywhere alone."
Not that I'd be that much help.
Now that I thought about it, it would be a very surprising day if Rick let me join him—
"Okay," Rick nodded. "Grab your knife."
My tent was just at the edge of camp, and Rick waited for me when I grabbed the knife from the ground, putting my book away while I was there. I was honestly completely shocked that he even agreed. It seemed like he needed to be alone to think, but going out alone was dangerous.
When I joined Rick back in the middle of camp, he led me over to the RV. Shane was sitting on the stairs to the inside, and Dale was looking out across the fields at the bottom of the RV, using his binoculars. I wondered why he wasn't on top of the RV, but when I looked up, Andrea was on watch with a rifle.
"Hey, Dale?" Rick called, getting the man's attention. "I'm going to need the guns."
Dale only nodded, and he was able to get into the RV because Shane had stood up when he heard what Rick said. He limped over to the car we had been using as a table, standing directly in front of Rick. I didn't miss the way Shane glanced at me out of the corner of his eye.
"We headin' out?"
Dale came out of the RV with the rolled up map and the bag of guns. He handed both of them to Rick, who swung the bag over his shoulder and rolled out the map on the car. Rick then dropped the duffle bag on top of the map to hold it down. Dale walked back inside the RV, leaving the three of us standing around the car.
"I'm going to search some more grids," Rick said, unzipping the bag and rifling through for his gun.
Shane frowned. "You're going alone?"
Rick was quiet, using the search for his gun as a way to avoid the question. Shane had clearly upset Rick earlier, and I don't know if he said to offend Rick in such a way that he did. I thought he may stop while he was ahead if I said something. I used this as an excuse to fill in the silence.
"I'm going with him," I said, planting my elbows down on the bonnet to lean against the car.
"You . . ." Shane trailed off, his attention finally on me as he let out a breathy sound of dismay. Instead of continuing, he ran his hands over his face and turned to Rick. "You know what? I'll go with you."
"You made your views on the search very clear," Rick said in a low voice, holding up what I assumed to be a revolver. Rick placed the revolver on the bonnet and continued digging through the bag.
Shane exhaled through his nose. "So you're just gonna drag Ace out there—"
"—don't even try to turn this around," I interrupted him quickly. "I offered to go."
Rick hadn't said a lot about their earlier fight, but him talking about Shane's views made it very clear to me what they were arguing about. Shane wanted to leave, he wanted to call the search off and leave Sophia out there. You could always count on Shane to leave someone behind; it was becoming a very obvious pattern. I realised that I was starting to feel as angry as Rick looked.
Shane scoffed, looking back at Rick who had now straightened up and was directly facing Shane. He was preparing for more comments or arguing from Shane, but surprisingly, none came. Shane's eyes switched between us, before he turned around and left us at the car.
Rick watched him for a second, before turning back to me. He was holding some kind of black handgun, looking down at it and turning it in his hands. Rick then held the gun out to me.
"Here, take it."
"I can't use that," I told him quickly. "I've never even held a gun."
I thought he might have stopped me from going with him, the way he pulled back the gun worried me of that. Instead, he shoves the barrel under his belt to hold it. "I'll show you when we're out."
Rick then holstered his own revolver. He grabbed the gun bag to take back into the RV, and came back out with some car keys. He nodded his head and walked over to one of the cars.
"We should be able to search one or two more grids before it gets dark," Rick informed me, unlocking the car with a click of the key.
I nodded, opening my door and sitting down. "Sounds like a plan."
Rick's expression had changed when he was driving out to some of the closest grids. He explained part of his plan for a little while, how what Hershel had taken him out to see the day before meant that Sophia could've travelled further than he initially thought. He didn't sound too worried. There was a look on his face that was torn about the whole situation, but I assume that had to do with his argument with Shane.
He parked the car on the side of the road, and before he stepped out, he turned to me, pulling the black gun out from his belt. The same gun out to me that he had offered before. "This is a 92 Beretta. I found it in a tank in Atlanta."
"As you do," I interrupted.
Rick opened his mouth to speak but instead chuckled, shaking his head. "It takes 9-millimetre bullets and holds 15 rounds a clip. To cock it, you pull back the slide," he pulled back the top of the gun as a demonstration. I nodded along as he spoke, trying to take in his words. "This is the safety, but on this gun, it works as a decocker. So you just flick this button down to decock the gun and turn the safety on."
He flicked the button down, just as he had said, and the gun clicked as the hammer moved back up.
"I got my Python," Rick started, and I frowned in confusion. He must have noticed because he tapped the revolver holstered against his leg, "So you can use my Beretta. Should be a good beginner gun. It's a bit bigger than most 9 millimetres, but that shouldn't be an issue seeing as you've never used one before."
He held the gun out, and I took it in my hands, grabbing the barrel.
"Awe, Rick," I grinned, looking down at the stupid lump of metal. "You shouldn't have."
Rick chuckled.
"Be careful with it," he told me. "You have to respect a gun."
"I will."
He gestured his head to the side and opened the door "Come one."
I climbed out of the car, tucking the barrel of the gun in the hem of my denim shorts. I spent a second making sure it wouldn't fall, and Rick stood around and waited for me. When I was finished, I started following Rick into the wooded area.
My legs were tired before we even started. I felt drained. Even though I had rested up the night before, I was still exhausted from the searching and interrupted sleeping that kept happening. Today itself was a weird day, so I spent a lot of my time thinking about that when I remembered what Hershel said.
I didn't want to leave the farm. I didn't want to be on the road again. We were only travelling for a few days, and we had lost so much in that time. The CDC, Jim, Jacqui. I didn't know if I could do it again.
No.
I couldn't do it again.
Being on the road again would probably kill me, kill my spirit at least. But if that's what we had to do, then I had no right to argue. I'd be on my own if it wasn't for this group, and even if I didn't want to, I still had to follow them around until we found somewhere safe.
Rick had spoken to Hershel a lot since being at the farm, and I was sure that he knew that Hershel wanted us gone. There was no way he didn't. I knew Rick well enough to know that he would keep it to himself to keep the group happy, which is basically what I did too.
"Hershel wants us to leave, right?"
Rick was taken aback, his eyes wide as he looked at me. "Is it that obvious?"
"He told me," I stated. Rick's eyebrows raised, and I shrugged my shoulders. "Well, not outright. But he was saying about how we were going to leave when Carl is better and we find Sophia. Kept talking about Fort Benning. It just seems like he doesn't really want us around."
Rick was quiet for a moment. "Nothing is decided yet."
"I hope not," my lips pressed into a thin line. "I like the farm."
"Yeah, a lot of people do," Rick agreed.
I could tell that was the last Rick wanted to talk about that, so I focused my mind on actually looking for Sophia. That was the biggest problem right now, so I was going to give my full attention to this search, seeing as it would be the last one of the day.
I turned to look at Rick. "I think we're going to find her, you know. Sophia. I know I'm not the best person to ask when it comes to this stuff because I've never actually looked for a missing kid before. Shocker, I know. But I think she's out there somewhere."
Rick nodded along as I spoke, well rambled. His expression shifted when he opened his mouth to speak. "Shane thinks that Sophia only matters to the extent that she doesn't pull the rest of us down."
My lips pressed into a thin line. "Is that what he said?"
"He said that we should call off the search. That it's wasting too many supplies, resources," I could hear the uncertainty in Rick's voice as he spoke, which was strange. When Rick first joined the camp, he was always so sure of his actions, what was right or wrong. Now it was almost like he didn't know. "He was saying that it's just numbers, how much food, how much water. He said that my . . . good intentions are making us weaker. Sounds real easy when you think of a life like that."
"That isn't a life; that's just . . . surviving," I thought about what Rick was saying and whether he was right to question himself. No decision was easy anymore, and I was glad that I wasn't making them for a group, but Shane had some kind of point in his argument. At what point do we call it a quit? I pushed the thought to the back of my mind. "Besides, people are a kind of resource. We can't just leave them behind. That isn't in Shane's number game?"
Rick nodded, his face becoming softer. He knew in some way that both me and Shane were right, and I couldn't give Rick a definitive answer. I partly hoped that what I was saying made no sense, so it would help him make a decision easier, but I just voiced my own opinion.
I couldn't understand how my opinion meant so much to him, but it did. I could tell. I was just a kid, what I said shouldn't mean anything, but it did. Rick had known me for a week at most, and here he was, venting to me like he was one of my high school friends.
"Would you want to keep looking if it were Carl?" I asked.
"I wouldn't stop."
"Then I don't see why Sophia is any different," I said. "If it were my kid . . . bad example I guess. But if it were my kid, I'd want to know what happened one way or the other."
Rick thought about what I said. "You're right."
We walked quietly around the grid, but we couldn't find Sophia anywhere. It was tense. I had never felt more guilty, I had never felt more responsible. I was responsible, so I had to feel this way, but it was hard. I wondered how long I could keep going with this weight on my shoulders.
Rick felt the same way, but I knew that he was not as responsible as me. He would never believe me if I said that to him, but I was the one in the wrong. He left Sophia in my care, and I left her. Dead in the water. Rick had every right to resent me at this moment, because we were wandering around the forest because of me, of what I did.
It sickened me.
"You want to give shooting a try?" It was a simple question as we made it back to the car, but I frowned. Shooting would be awful, I would be awful. Shooting right now would be a waste of ammo, and it would be noisy. Rick laughed at the look on my face, before speaking for me, "No?"
"Won't it be noisy?" I tried thinking of excuses quickly.
"I promise we'll leave before we see any walkers," Rick smiled.
Oh, good. . .
I couldn't think up any more excuses. Well, I could, but Rick would never accept them. He would keep coming up with ways to make my excuses and worries minute. Still, I didn't want to do it. Before the world ended I promised myself that I would never shoot a gun. America had a huge problem with the need for guns and I didn't want to be a part of a problem.
Now things were different. I needed to defend myself, to defend the group. If I had been able to shoot or kill walkers then Sophia would not be missing right now. I was only asking Daryl to help me the previous day, so learning to shoot with Rick was the next best thing.
Rick shifted his weight, placing his hand over his Python. "You can learn with me now, or you can try shooting in front of everyone else tomorrow."
"With you!" I couldn't have answered any quicker. The thought of missing every shot in front of the group tomorrow flashed in front of my face, and I was already embarrassed. I had forgotten that they were planning to do gun training the next day, but now I was reminded it was actually happening.
Rick chuckled, and moved so he was standing next to me. I pulled the gun from the hem of my shorts, and held it awkwardly in my hands, waiting for further instructions from Rick.
"Now I don't normally train people, that was Shane's job," he said the last bit with frustration and resentment, the thought of Shane reminding him why we were even out here right now.
"How long did you guys know each other?"
"Since we were kids," he answered.
I knew Rick and Shane were best friends, it didn't seem that way now, but there was definitely a huge connection between the two. I felt sorry for Rick, he didn't know about Lori and Shane in Atlanta. Telling him wasn't my job, it was one of theirs, but it wasn't right to hide it from him. Maybe Rick knew, maybe that's why they weren't really friendly anymore. I couldn't tell for sure.
"See that sign?" He pointed out at a road sign up towards the junction. It wasn't a very big sign, just a street name. "We'll use that as our target."
Rick explained everything clearly, just the same as he had done in the car—that was the good part. Everything took a turn when he actually asked me to shoot. I thought I was aiming right, but the bullet was always too high or too low. Not that I was surprised. This is why I didn't want to shoot in the first place. It was a waste of ammo.
"You're waiting for the kick," Rick told me. "You have to just let it happen."
"It's hard," I complained.
"I know," Rick agreed. "I spent months training."
After around five more shots, the sound of metal rang out like someone had dropped a saucepan. The bullet finally landed in the sign, a little off to the side, from what I could see of the dent, but it was there.
I breathed out a sigh of relief, and lowered the gun.
"Good job," Rick squeezed my shoulder, shaking it a little. "Hit the target two more times, and we can head back."
"Two?" I blinked rapidly.
"Yes, two."
"We're going to be here all night!" I exclaimed.
"If that's what it takes then we'll do it," Rick stated.
It only took three shots to get the two hits because I missed the first one. But once I hit the other two I lowered the gun just as I had done before and flicked the safety down. The gun clicked as the hammer flew back up and the gun slid back into the right places.
"And you thought we'd be here all night," Rick said accusedly.
"There was a good chance we could have been," I answered.
"You'll get some more practice in tomorrow," Rick told me. "Let's head on back."
I nodded, stepping back and sliding into the passenger seat of the car.
The ride back was quiet, but I was proud of myself. It may have taken a lot of bullets, but I was finally able to hit the target. If I was able to shoot I could help the group out on more things, like runs into town, now I knew I could defend myself. Looking for Sophia would be a lot less stressful too.
When we returned, Daryl was leaning against the gate as we drove in. He opened it when he saw the car coming and closed it immediately after. Daryl then walked up to the car window before Rick could even park the vehicle. Sophia wasn't there as far as I could tell.
Rick rolled the window down and he was already smirking. "See your chupacabra?"
"Fuck off," Daryl scoffed and rolled his eyes, leaning his arms on the now open window. I felt a huge grin work its way onto my face.
"Sorry," Rick was not sorry, and neither was I for laughing.
"We're never letting you live this down, you know that right?" I asked.
Daryl just stood there quietly, waiting for the harassment to end, but he knew it probably never would.
Rick finally gave in and started asking about Daryl's run, which gave Daryl the chance to actually say what he wanted to. "You find anything?"
"I found this," Daryl held out a doll to Rick. "This is hers, right?"
Rick took the doll from his hands, the same doll that Eliza gave Sophia when we left the Atlanta camp. "Where did you find this?"
"In the creek," he said. "I'll mark it up on the map."
"If I'm thinking right, this basically cuts the search area in half," Rick looked almost excited. "Thank you."
Daryl shrugged, turning to walk away. "It's nothin'."
Rick watched him leave before turning and handing the doll to me. I was chewing the inside of my cheek when he started up the car again and moved it to where we kept the rest of the vehicles. All I could do was stare down at the doll, my chest tightening as I remembered that this was it. We hadn't found Sophia.
Not yet.
"You should give this to Carl," I told him. "I think he'd want it."
Rick nodded and took the doll from my hands. It was better than Carl had it, and not me. I couldn't bear looking at it any longer; all the grief and pain I had been feeling for the past couple of days were bubbling right up to the top.
I was reading my book when it slowly started to get darker and darker. There was no one sitting around camp, I didn't actually know where everyone had disappeared to. I just sat in front of my tent, trying to read as much of the book as I could before the words vanished into the night.
Footsteps near me, but I tried finishing my sentence before looking to see who it was. Someone nudged their boot against the side of my leg.
"C'mon," Daryl said.
I glanced up from my book. "Why?"
"They said they were makin' dinner in the house or somethin'," Daryl shrugged his shoulders. "They wan' everyone to go an' eat."
I frowned. This was the first I had heard about any dinner, but apparently Lori and Carol had been in the house cooking all day. It was strange that Hershel was allowing this to happen as well, but I had to make myself forget that Hershel didn't want us around. "Strange."
"I know."
I leaned back, throwing the book back inside the tent. When I stood up, I closed the tent flaps and turned to follow Daryl, who had already started walking away to the house. I jogged to catch up with him and walked silently at his side.
Everyone was already in the house, Maggie gave me a sweet smile as I sat down. My plate was already on the table, like everyone else's, but I waited until everyone else was eating before starting. Hershel was Christian and I assumed that he would like to say Grace.
I just kept my head down when he started. I was the furthest thing from religious, and didn't really want to sit there and pray before eating, but I remained respectful to Hershel and his practices. It was the least I could do.
"Does anyone know how to play guitar?" Glenn asked, turning to look at everyone on the bigger table. "Dale found a cool one, on the highway."
Again there was no answer, everyone looked at him silently and he waited around for someone to say something. I kept quiet, and looked down at my food.
"Someone has to know how to play," Glenn drawled.
There was a moment of silence before Patricia said: "Otis did."
"He did," Hershel agreed. "And he was very good."
Glenn. Please stop trying.
The room went completely silent. Glenn turned around and glanced at me, pulling an uncomfortable face that he reminded Patricia of Otis. The only sound of the cutlery scraping against the plates. It was so awkward. I kept my eyes down as I ate, enjoying the first actual meal we had in weeks. For once, my stomach was actually filling up.
Glenn looked down at his lap, and when I finally brought my attention back to the room, I saw Maggie looking at him. He was looking down at a piece of paper that was nearer to me, his body blocking it from the rest of the room. It was like passing notes around in primary school.
Beth and Jimmy hadn't seemed to notice and kept eating and quietly whispering to one another in a silent conversation. I looked over at the big table, seeing that Dale and Hershel both gave the occasional glance over. I just looked back at my food and ignored them.
Glenn scribbled something back on the piece of paper, folding it as quietly as he could, which wasn't very quiet and handed it back to Maggie. She put the paper in her pocket, I assumed, and went back to eating. I looked down when she glanced across the table and made eye contact with me.
I finished food pretty quickly, and helped Beth clean our table's plates. She insisted I didn't need to help, but I grabbed a tea towel waiting to dry the plates. "So, that could have gone better?"
Beth smiled, but washed the plates. "Daddy only found out dinner was happening recently. He's normally more talkative."
I didn't say another word, not wanting to talk about Hershel or his family behind their backs in the kitchen. I wasn't sure how much the rest of the house knew about Hershel wanting us to leave, but I was sure that the only ones in the group that knew were me and Rick. I didn't want to bring it up and ruin the mood.
Beth handed me a plate, and I used the tea towel to dry it before placing it on the side. I didn't know where they were kept, so I knew I'd have to ask Beth when we were done. The other room was still silent, but I did hear some of them saying their thanks as they got up and left. Rick and Lori probably went to sit with Carl again.
Patricia and Maggie came into the room not long after with some more dirty plates. Patricia moved to help Beth with the washing, and Maggie grabbed the clean plates I had left on the side and put them away.
"You don't have to help," Maggie told me. "You're our guests, we got it."
"Are you sure?"
Maggie nodded. "I'm sure. Go get some rest."
Reluctantly, I put the tea towel down and left the kitchen. I was really tired anyway, so getting some sleep would be good for the search tomorrow. Rick hadn't really said what grids we were looking at for the next day, but he wanted to look at where Daryl found the doll before deciding anything.
The air was crisp when I stepped outside, and I was immediately cold. It must have been coming for the end of summer, hopefully. I hated how warm it could be, and my skin was still stinging from the sunburn I got back in Atlanta.
I ran into Glenn on the way back to my tent. He immediately stopped when he saw me, his eyes widening. It was only then that I realised that he was holding a pillow and blanket under his arms, like he didn't want anyone to see them.
I stared at him for a moment. "What are you doing?"
"I'm . . . uh . . . I . . ." I waited as he struggled to think of an answer. "I was going on watch?"
"With a pillow?" I questioned.
Glenn looked down at the items in his hand. "Well . . . yeah."
I stared at him for the moment. "You won't fall asleep?"
"Maybe?"
His questioning tone was not escaping me, like he himself didn't actually know what he was doing. But he did know what he was doing, he just didn't want to tell me. I would try to get the answer out of him, only because it was funny watching him come up with excuses any time I asked a question. "Shouldn't you be awake on watch?"
"Yeah, well," Glenn scratched the back of his neck. "It's not very comfortable in the RV."
I frowned. "And the blanket?"
"It gets cold."
As funny as it was to keep asking these obvious questions that made him really flustered, I had to sleep. This was just way too weird for me to deal with right now. "Um . . . okay. You have fun with that."
Glenn nodded and walked off, but when I looked back to see where he was going, it was not to the caravan as he had told me. Instead, he was walking down to where the barn was, across the long dark field.
"Why—?" I couldn't even be bothered to finish the question, the confusion making me tired. "Whatever."
I started walking back to the tent, already done with this day. But I could barely make it across camp before I was interrupted again.
"Ace!" Maggie ran up to me, panting as though she had just finished a marathon. "Have you seen Glenn?"
I shrugged. "Well, he said he was going on watch and then walked to the barn. So he could be there, but who knows anymore?"
Maggie didn't say anything else and ran off towards the barn, following the direction Glenn had just gone.
On my way to my tent it made me think about what Glenn was actually doing with the blanket and pillow. And then I remembered them passing the note back and forth. Was he going to see Maggie?
Glenn was never the most subtle person. They were handing a piece of paper back and forth at the dinner table like they were back in primary school. I couldn't see what they were talking about, and they only really sent one message each. I think it was because Hershel was getting suspicious, he kept looking over when he heard the paper folding.
Maybe they were planning on seeing each other that night, as a nice way of putting it. I felt my face contort into disgust, and my past greetings with Glenn made more sense now. He was always nervous, and he blushed when I asked him about the run with Maggie.
Did they . . . on the run?
Gross.
