While we were at the barn, I checked to see how secure it was because it looked like it had been standing for years and years and years. No time that I was willing to estimate at the moment. The door to the barn was locked shut with a thick wooden plank, a padlock and a chain. Like they knew that the walkers were dangerous, but if they were so dangerous, why keep them around? Being stuck in a barn was no life for people—even if they were sick.

Glenn spoke to Dale when we returned to the group and told him that he wanted to let everyone know in the morning. I left them to it, knowing it wasn't my business to get involved. Glenn was unsure about what to do, and I never pushed him to an answer. This was his decision for the good of the group.

I spent the rest of my time that afternoon waiting for Shane and Andrea to return from their run. They were taking longer than expected, and everyone in camp was getting a little worried about waiting for them, like me. Anything could be happening, there could be a herd.

Wouldn't that be something? As private and secure as the farm was, I'm not sure too that Hershel would be able to fit a herd in the barn.

The car rolled in through the gate that someone closed behind them. Dale and Carol stepped out of the motorhome and walked over to the oncoming vehicle. I joined them, needing to know what happened on the run. I stood on my toes to see through the windows and over the seats, but she wasn't there.

Only two doors opened.

Only two people got out of the car.

Shane and Andrea walked over to meet the group. I tried to hide the sigh as they approached, the threat of tears falling down my face. It would be hard for me to participate in any conversation about her.

"Anything?" Carol asked.

Shane shook his head. "Not today."

"I'm so sorry," Andrea walked over to Carol. "We'll cover more ground tomorrow."

And the next day . . . and the next day. I felt my head shake automatically, and my arms wrapped around my lower stomach. It was getting harder and harder to hear that, but I couldn't break down, not in front of Carol.

"What happened out there?" Dale asked.

"Um, I—"

I stared at Andrea, waiting for an answer that never came. Looking at her made me realise something that I didn't notice at first. Andrea's hair was dishevelled, and she had the biggest smile on her face that she was failing to hide. Her eyes were always downcast as well. Shane had nothing different about him, but he also looked happy for someone who failed to find a missing child. Glancing between her and Shane, one thought crossed my mind. Did they . . . on the run?

Why is this a question I have to keep repeating?

Excuse me while I throw up.

My nose wrinkled as I clenched my jaw, turning my head away. Gross. Just thinking about it left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I just wanted to run away from the situation. Everyone could tell what they did; I could see that from the look on their faces.

"—The place was overrun," Shane took over.

Andrea nodded, glancing up to meet his eyes, "Yeah."

As soon as the disgust passed, different feelings came rushing in. Feelings of anger or disappointment. I didn't understand why at first, but it soon hit me. Sophia was missing, and they decided that it would be a good time to have sex. It was awful, disgusting. It was almost like they didn't even care.

Even though it was my fault she was gone, I had been out there looking for Sophia every single day. Shane and Andrea promised they would be out there looking. They wasted time getting the information back that she was never in the town by sleeping together. If they couldn't be bothered to do the job, then they shouldn't have gone.

My head lowered, breaking eye contact with either one of them. I flexed my fingers, crossing my arms together as I walked away. I didn't need to hear any more from them, the important thing had already been said. Apparently, I was less apologetic than the others.

Carol reached out, placing a hand on Andrea's arm. "Let's get you cleaned up."

I turned away, walking back over to where my tent was, leaving Shane and Dale alone. Not the best move seeing as they didn't get on, but I was too upset to be talking to any of them, and I wanted to hide away before any of them could get a word in.

I'm not angry that they had sex, but if they really wanted to, they could have done it on their own time. It was completely disrespectful to both Carol and Sophia. Not that I had been too nice to Carol these past few days. I myself had been avoiding her, especially since the motorway.

I couldn't bear to look at her, not after what I had done. Sophia was gone because of me. I understood that Carol probably hated me now, and to be honest, I hated me too. My chest was tight like there was an invisible weight pressing down, and I don't think it was ever going away.

And it shouldn't.

For days now, I had been thinking about the worst-case scenario for what happened with Sophia. While I had been out every day trying to find her, I killed walkers in order to make it easier to find her, it wasn't enough to ease the thoughts that she may not be here anymore. If Sophia was dead, that blood was on my hands.

I wanted time to speed up, so we could reach some kind of answer, but it was going as slow as a walker frozen in the middle of winter. Like we were being taunted with all these clues to find her, but the answer remained hidden under a tarp, and we could never get close enough to pull it off. Even if we found Sophia, which seemed impossible at the time, I would never be able to live down what I had done.

It should be you.

It should have been me, I should be lost right now. I should never have found my way back to the motorway, and it was by some miracle that I did. Sophia should have found her way back, and the group would be halfway to Fort Benning right now. Except not, because hopefully, they would be looking for me like we were looking for her. I wasn't sure about the kind of impact I had on the group, but I hoped that people cared enough if I were missing.

I can't believe how selfish I sound.

Sophia is gone, and I was wondering whether the group would have looked if it were me. My head fell into my hands, covering my face. I gripped my hair in my fingers, yanking a little to return my mind to the problem at hand. I felt awful, and I couldn't imagine the kind of things Carol was going through.

I wanted to speak to her, to apologise, but I didn't know how. Anytime I thought about it, my stomach turned, and I wanted to hide away. After not speaking to her for a few days, I didn't know how she felt about me now, and she still felt the same as before then; she still hated me.

Carol wasn't going to accept my apology, but if I didn't try speaking to her soon, then the guilt was going to kill me. If the consequences were anything like Shane was saying, then maybe the guilt was the reason I couldn't shoot. Part of me wished I could just turn off the switch.

I had to talk to her.

If the past few days were to be used as an example, Carol would either be in the caravan right now. I don't think Carol was using her tent any more, not after Ed died there. There was blood all over the floor from where the walker had bitten him, and Dale offered that she and Sophia could use the bed until they found them a new tent. We didn't get around to it.

I needed to speak to her, I couldn't keep putting it off. Maybe I couldn't turn off a switch, but I could try to fix what I had done. I walked through the centre of camp, where everyone was getting things ready for dinner. Carol was in the back room of the RV, sitting on the bed. Her head was resting on the tiny windowsill, and she stared out at the golden fields. She didn't see me when I entered the bedroom.

"Hi," I sounded like a kid who was meeting someone for the first time.

"Hey," Carol looked over and gave a small smile. "Do you need something?"

"I just wanted to say that I'm sorry; Sophia is missing because of me. It should be me out there now, not her."

"You don't deserve that," her voice was soft. "Nobody does."

Maybe not.

My neck bent forward, and my eyes were cast to the ground. I wasn't going to argue with her. She was probably grieving because of me, losing sleep, worried because of me. Besides, my brain isn't going to be nice and tell me I don't deserve to be lost.

"You've done everything in your power for my little girl, you ran after her when the walkers saw her, and you lured one away from her so she wouldn't get spotted. You didn't have a weapon, but you put yourself in the way to protect her."

"If I didn't leave, she would still be here," I argued.

"Or you could both be gone."

That was true, we could both be gone. I couldn't even say it would be better that way because, in that scenario, Sophia is still gone. It was one of the decisions that Shane said I would have to make, but the person I wanted to go right now was myself.

"You and everyone else in this group have done more for her than her daddy ever would have," I was shocked when she brought up Ed, and my eyes shot up to see her reaction.

I knew how bad Ed was, I was there when he hit her at the quarry. While I never knew how Ed treated Sophia, it never stopped the nagging voice in the back of my mind from worrying. Maybe he wasn't an abusive father, but he was still neglectful. The thought of him being here now and worrying less than me about his own daughter made me sick to my stomach.

"Is that all?"

The apology didn't go so well, obviously. You all saw my failure.

But I needed a new excuse to end the conversation that wouldn't be wasting her time like I just did. I glanced around and saw everyone starting to sit around the fire. I swung my arm up, pointing my thumb back over my shoulder. "Just . . . they're starting to cook soon . . . I think."

Carol nodded, "I'll be right out."

My lips pursed, and I took a few steps back, "Okay."

I needed to escape whatever awkward conversation I had been thrown into, and fast. My heart felt like it would explode. I was almost angry that it seemed like she had forgiven me because I had not forgiven myself one bit, and I doubted that I ever would. Which I shouldn't, but that isn't the point.

My name was called the second I exited the RV.

"Ace!" Maggie was standing there, almost ten metres away from the group. Her arms were crossed, and she stood still, waiting for me to go over and see her.

I walked over, "Yeah?"

Maggie glanced around like she was looking to see who was nearby. "Can I talk to you for a second?"

I nodded, and she gestured her head for me to follow her away from the group. So I did. She walked me around the back of the RV and stopped. It was strange that she wanted us to talk alone, seeing as the last time we had a private conversation, I was sure that anyone who walked past was in earshot.

It took her a while to say: "I saw you talking to Glenn."

I nodded my head. "Yeah."

We do that . . .

"Did—?" She stopped herself quickly before changing directions. "What did you talk about?"

I raised my eyebrows, and for a split second, I felt some agitation. In that brief moment, I wondered if she was suspicious about Glenn and me, and then I felt stupid. Because I am stupid. I remembered the barn, she wasn't suspicious of Glenn and me; she was suspicious of what Glenn told me.

As she should be.

"Is there a reason you're drilling me about talking to my friend?" I cringed at my own words.

I hadn't meant to snap. I really needed to work on that. My defence was I felt annoyed about the whole barn thing and for Glenn being put in that position. It was a question of safety; a danger like this shouldn't be kept a secret. I thought maybe I could get over the walkers being there, I didn't like it, but it was their home, their loved ones. But we deserved to be prepared and ready if something would happen. If she was so worried about it, I wanted her to just say it.

"I saw you walking to the barn together . . ."

I turned my head as I rolled my eyes, not wanting her to see. I waited in silence for a few moments, but she wouldn't say it, "Rick was talking about us maybe staying in the barn, so we'll have shelter. Hershel said no. Glenn told me that it's because the barn is . . . occupied. He said we wouldn't get on with the current tenants."

"He said he wouldn't tell," she sounded miffed. "Who else knows?"

I looked at her, suppressing a glare. That wasn't Glenn's responsibility.

"Dale, but I think you know that," I kept my tone even. I liked Maggie, so I didn't want to be mean. I just didn't like her that day, "In Glenn's defence, I'm relentless. Besides, he was just asking for some advice."

"And?"

I crossed my arms. "You're not going to like my answer."

Maggie's gaze moved to the side, and she was quiet for a moment. "If you tell your group, my dad will make you leave."

"Your dad wants us to leave anyway, he told me," I argued because, at the moment, it seemed like Hershel couldn't get any angrier with the group being around. He was just letting us stay out of principle now. "I'm not stupid."

"Then why tell?"

"It's wrong to keep something like that from the group. It was wrong of you guys to keep it from us for as long as you had. They should be able to make their own decision on whether we get to stay or go."

"Those aren't your group's only options," Maggie told me.

I wondered what she meant because apart from being more prepared, that's really all there was. "What else is there?"

"You think they're just going to sit back and let us keep the walkers in the barn?"

That's not their choice.

"What could they do?" Maggie couldn't give an answer, so I continued. "That doesn't change the fact that we should be prepared."

It was Maggie's turn to be confused. "Prepared for what?"

"How many more walkers do you think you can put in there before they bust through the doors or break down the walls?" I questioned because they clearly hadn't thought about the answer. It could be any number of walkers, and if they ever broke out of the barn, we would be overrun. Not only that, our camp would be one of the first places to be hit. "It won't be a lot."

Maggie was quiet, understanding everything I told her, but the same stern look was still on her face. Like I was the one that needed to be told what to do. I'm not the one keeping walkers trapped in a building.

I tilted my head to the side. "Is that all?"

"Just please," she asked one final time. "Rethink what you're doing."

Should I be concerned or flattered that she somehow thought I had any authority over anything that happened ever?

I shrugged, "We'll see."

Maggie pressed her lips into a thin line, her eyes moving to the barn for a second before coming back to me. Instead of saying anything else, she turned back to the farmhouse and stormed away.

When I was sure she left, I walked over to join the group. As I passed, Dale reached out to hand me a plate. "Here you go."

I smiled, taking the food. "Thanks."

I walked away and took my usual seat next to Glenn. He was already sitting there with his plate, eating some of the meat he had been given. He looked up when I sat down and put his fork on his plate.

He leaned over and whispered, "Was that Maggie?"

"Yeah," I shovelled food into my mouth.

"What did she want?"

"What do you think? She was asking about, you know what. Saw us walking over earlier," I shrugged my shoulders. "But other than that, nothing really."

He winced and grabbed his fork to eat, "Sorry."

"It doesn't matter," I shrugged. "It's you she's gotta try and convince."

"I know, it's just not cool that she was bothering you about this."

"It's fine," I shrugged.

Later on, I watched as Rick walked over, his face sullen as he grabbed a plate of food and sat down. Not long later, Lori was walking over to the group, holding Carl's hand. They sat away from one another, Lori sitting with Carl and Rick on a chair across the fire.

It was strange, I wondered why they were sitting apart. They must have argued about something, but what? Maybe he found out about the baby, or maybe Shane. I don't know, I was just making things up at this point.

I don't understand why you want to know what I think.

When I had almost finished eating, I stood up and walked over to her, holding out my plate, "I'm not hungry; do you want it?"

Lori didn't get the chance to answer before I dropped the meat on her plate, walking away to wash my own plate in the RV. Maybe I had been too obvious, and maybe now she knew that Glenn had told me, but she needed the food more than I did, and no one was getting proper servings anymore.

She definitely knew Glenn told me because I caught her looking over. Her eyes met mine, and she just looked down at her food.

"I'm going to go to bed," I stood up, running my hand over my face.


A bit of a shorter one this time; my apologies. Unless you like it this way, in which case, you're welcome.

Let me know what you think and I hope you enjoyed :)