disclaimer: All characters (except the brief mentions of Jenny) are the property of Marvel and I expect no monetary benefit from this work of fiction.

prenote: This story is a sequel to "Waiting". If you hve not read it, you might not fully understand what is going on. I supposed it's not required to read it first, but it would definitely be less confusing.


The Journey Home
by Dizi

Chapter 1: Jubilee

The sun is shining brightly through the thin skin of my eyelids, but I lay still, lethargic, unwilling to move. I haven't felt this peaceful, this whole, in so very long. In fact, I haven't felt this way since...

Suddenly, I'm aware my "pillow" is an arm covered in an excessive amount of hair, and the warmth I'm enveloped in is from a hard muscular body wrapped protectively around me spoon fashion.

Wolverine.

Though not fully dressed, we both have clothes on. He insisted, saying something about doing things at a slower pace this time. We were both eager to celebrate our reunion physically - I could tell he was and I know I was - but neither of us wanted to repeat past mistakes. He wants to have a good understanding between us before we're intimate again, a strong foundation, and I guess he's right. I hate that he's usually right. Not that I'm wrong but he's more right.

We spent all night talking. Well, most of it anyway. I really don't remember where we left off. I definitely don't remember going to sleep in his arms. I'd like to remember that.

Which makes me realize we're lying on a pile of blankets on the floor because we sent my mattresses back with Scott in the Blackbird. That's service for ya, huh? But Wolvie's are so worn out it's just pitiful and my bed at the mansion is a twin. I wasn't going to give up my nice new queen-size mattresses. They both protested but I got my way.

I guess Wolvie's right and I have changed. I don't think I'd have argued with either of them about something like this so strongly before. I worked for these things. I didn't touch the money from my parents since just after I left. These are MY things and I'll decide what to keep and what not to. If they don't like it, too bad. Before I would have given in to Wolvie at that first scowl to keep him happy. Now I want him happy but will stand my ground.

Scott said something about the others being surprised by the new me, while Wolvie winked at me behind his back. If I am different I don't care because he's fine with it. Actually, I think I still wouldn't care. Maybe I finally grew up.

I don't feel pressure to pretend and can just be me. The obsession to be with Wolvie that I felt for so long is gone. I still want to be with him, of course I do, but I no longer want to be with him to the exclusion of anything and everything else. This last year I remembered that I can make it on my own without him. I want to live my life with him but I don't need him to live. That was a really painful lesson, I'm just glad I don't have to live that way.

He's also not quite so perfect in my eyes for some reason. Don't get me wrong, he is the best sight there is, at least to me. But he's a man. A wonderful man, a man I feel a claim to, the man I love, but a man and not something or someone larger than life. Okay, he is larger than life in many ways and so is my love for him, but I don't know how else to say it.

And I did. I said a whole lot. So did he. Among other things we established that I'm not a child, he's not my parent or father figure, and never really was. He is someone I was extremely close to, still am and always will be, and more than anything else in the beginning was my anchor. Which works out fine because he said I was the same for him. We found each other when we both needed someone. In different ways, he would have died and I probably would have found myself in dire straits pretty quickly, but we were also both lonely, I think.

Both of our feelings just grew from there. I simply realized it sooner than he did. Wolvie seems to think it's because I'm smarter than he is. I'm not sure I agree with that one, but I'm not stupid enough to deny it either. We both have our strengths, maybe that's one of mine.

Another thing we agreed on is that we're going to try living in the mansion. Together. Openly. As a couple. Not like we can hide it, everybody knows what's going on. His room is big enough for us both and I really did miss everyone. I just think it might be a little awkward. Not as awkward as it was before, but we were "hiding" it then. We're not going to even try to hide anything this time.

Over the past year, the others stopped treating me as the rambunctious teen I used to be and more like the rambunctious woman I am. Or was inside. Whatever.

Or maybe how I see their actions has changed. For example, used to be Jean or Ororo would say something a certain way, would give me a certain look, probably just being themselves, and I would think they were indulging me or acting like I was being immature. Now they do the same things and it just doesn't feel that way. Whether the way they see me has changed or the way I see them, I don't know.

Deep down, I guess, I always knew they all cared about me. I just sort of overlooked it when I was feeling sorry for myself. The X-Men are good people and I was childishly holding things against them without trying to see it from their side. If I was right or they were in sending me away no longer seems important anymore. So that's over too. In the past.

Scott hinted at me rejoining the team before he left last night. Wolvie left it to me and I think I'll give it a try. Some of what we'll do on the way back is get me into shape again. That's one of Wolvie's strengths. I didn't fall apart physically, but I'm not really in fighting form anymore either. I'm not looking forward to that part. He promised not to go easy on me. Oh goody.

We did talk, Wolvie and I, but it couldn't have been for that long to be honest. Have you ever tried to pack up a whole apartment in just one evening? It's not a fast process. Most of the furniture is going to a women's shelter, they'll send someone to pick it up whenever I call. We're keeping the chair I bought with him in mind and the couch.

I won that one too. I'm not living with the old one in Wolvie's room - our room now. That couch is so worn out springs are popping out all over it. He doesn't like change, said it's probably why it took so long to understand his feelings for me had changed. But he'll accept these changes for me, and it's definitely time for some changes. Not in him - I love him the way he is - but in his surroundings. Or his furniture, at least. Jenny said once that he'd keep his old things until they turned to dust.

She's the only one I made any effort to keep in touch with. I might have been testing the others, looking to see if they would make an effort, see how much they cared. Wolvie admitted that he made them come towards the end, but I don't think that's really it. It's my opinion they were testing him too. Waiting to see how long he'd last or trying to push him into coming to see me himself. Remy would have thought it a fun game, both finding me and watching Wolvie go all freaky when he found out I was gone.

Funny thing is that Jenny always knew where I was. I would call her at Harry's when I settled somewhere and she swore she wouldn't tell anyone, not even Kurt. I dont' know him as well but close as he is to Wolvie I would think he'd have let the cat out of the bag if he had known. So she must have kept her word - not that I doubted she would - because they had to seach for me each time.

Wolvie almost had a conniption when I mentioned she knew.

I suppose I should think of him as Logan, it's the more adult thing to do. But he is the Wolverine. That's more who he is than anything else he's been called, and he'll always be my Wolvie. I'll save 'Logan' for those serious conversations. Like the way he calls me Jubes most of the time and Jubilee or Jubilation when he's serious. I probably got it from him. Just because he wasn't a father to me doesn't mean I didn't learn from him.

Hiding my feelings about the really bad stuff is something I learned from him too. He wanted to know about... that time. Bastion. He didn't like that I wouldn't tell him. I can't. Not just because it's such a painful time or that I don't want to. I don't, I really truly don't, but that's not why I can't tell him.

He's always felt like a failure because of me getting captured in the first place. There was no way he could have known. He saved me in the end, but always blamed himself for me being there. It affected him when he found out about the rape, to put it mildly. I had been so successful in hiding it in all the years since it happened, but I couldn't hide it once we were under the same roof again. The nightmares wouldn't let me.

But it's not just because of how he feels about it either. It's what he would do if given the chance. He's killed before. He'll probably kill again. The deaths have weighed on him, justified or not. If I told him, he would find a way to find them and kill them. They should pay for their crimes. I want them to. What I don't want is him putting another mark on his soul, not in my name.

Telling him might bring me closure in a way I have never been able to have before. But I can't have that without having the risk as well. It's a risk I'm not willing to take. I love him too much for that.

Maybe I'm letting my feelings color my judgement. Maybe it's wrong for me to keep it from him, especially when he asked me. Maybe telling him wouldn't be as bad as I think because I think he'll go into a rage that even I'm scared to see. Maybe this is something else we need to work on during our journey as I doubt he'll just let it go.

Tenacious is the word some would use. Stubborn is the word that sticks in my brain. It's part of his charm and can be endearing in the right circumstances. No sex and digging into my past just isn't the right ones.

All of this runs through my head in only a few seconds, touching on the past only briefly. I'm laying here enjoying the feel of his arms around me. He's awake I know, his chest started vibrating against my back as soon as I woke up, his arms tightened around me.

We're leaving today and we should get up, but I don't want this moment to end. I feel complete in a way I never have, whole. I don't want to take the chance that feeling will go away. That this is only another dream. I couldn't take that again.

to be continued


note:
I'm not going to give little hints as to what the next chapter is about for this story. However, I will say that it will follow the pattern of "Waiting" by alternating pov. Which means next chapter is in Wolverine's pov. Pretty sure I alternated evenly this time.

There are six chapters total and from now unil I finish posting both "The Journey Home" and "Ordinary People" I will alternate each week posting from each story. Not sure if I said that clearly. Well, what this means is that this coming Wednesday will be the next chapter of "Ordinary People" and the next Wednesday will be chapter 2 of "The Journey Home". Hopefully by the time I'm done posting both of them, I'll havefinished "What Might Have Been" and can start posting the rest of it. Or that's the plan right now.

Thanks for reading and the support,
Dizi